0:00:19 > 0:00:21HEN CLUCKS
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Ingrate whore!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Stinksome strumpet!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Foul and false be thy black heart!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29But blood-red will be thy shroud!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31SHE SHRIEKS
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Dad, it's your line.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Get one of the women to read it.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Neither of the women can read.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I wouldn't if I could. It's a common business.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Well, then, get Susanna to read it.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Can't think why else you taught her.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51There's no point asking Sue for help. She be of teening years
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and thus a grumpy little bitchington.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I don't why you have to write these new plays, anyway.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00What's wrong with the old plays? The mumming plays?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Theatre's moving on, Dad.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05There's only so many times you can laugh at the Lord of Misrule
0:01:05 > 0:01:09whacking the naughty Turk with a jingly stick...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12while...while St George shows the dragon his bottom.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13JOHN CHORTLES
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Gets me every time, that one.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Will is trying to do his play, which, believe it or not,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I'm actually following.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Come on, love. Queen Liz is threatening Queen Mary in the Tower.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Absolutely.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Right, yes, here we go.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Blood-red will be thy shroud!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And then a nobleman rushes in...
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Majesty, I beseech thee, must not a queen this murder do!
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Shouldn't that be, "A queen must not do this murder"?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, yes, it should, but I always think a sentence sounds better
0:01:42 > 0:01:43if you mix up the words a bit.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's one of my best tricks.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Sounds really try-hard to me.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Or, put more poetically,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54to me sounds hard try really.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56See? Much better.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Queen Elizabeth didn't chop Mary's head off herself, you daft worzel.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02She were topped at Fotheringhay.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Grandad is right about the beheading. Queen Liz never done it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yes, my love. I am aware of the facts
0:02:08 > 0:02:12but as a dramatist, I take the view that a fat man with an axe
0:02:12 > 0:02:14saying, "Close your eyes, love," - thwack! -
0:02:14 > 0:02:17isn't quite as compelling theatre
0:02:17 > 0:02:22as frigid Liz bitch-slapping her cutesome Caledonian cuz Mary
0:02:22 > 0:02:25in a bit of queen-on-queen action.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27So creepy, Dad!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30It does sound a bit creepy. You're better than that, duck.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Look, I work in show business, girls.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Sex sells! We need bums on seats.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Or, in this case, bum on throne...
0:02:39 > 0:02:43because - mark this - Her Majesty has commanded Burbage
0:02:43 > 0:02:45to produce a play for her feast
0:02:45 > 0:02:47on the third Sunday after Lammington Eve.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50The Queen? That is posh.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Which is why I'm writing my history of Gloriana and her traitorous cuz.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It doth flatter Her Majesty most shamelessly.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Now, can I please get on?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00I only came home for some peace
0:03:00 > 0:03:02and quiet so that I can finish my play and...
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Where is my quill? Or must I pluck another from the chicken's arse?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08CLUCKS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Don't you dare, poor Mistress Clucky.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Whenever you come home with the muse upon you, we get no eggs for a week.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Her arse be going balder faster than your bonce.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I am not going bald - I have low eyebrows.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24And my dumplings aren't droopy -
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I've just got a very high belly button(!)
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Ooh, shut up, Mum. You're so gross.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Here's your quill on the table, where you left it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Oh, wondrous wife. Whene'er I lose a thing, you always know its place.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Not so much as being wondrous, doll,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41as not being a clueless, futtocking arse-mungel.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45You're a common woman, Anne Shakespeare, a very common woman!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Why do you want to write about Scotch Mary, anyway?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Yeah, Dad. Why don't you write a play about normal people?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Because normal people are boring.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56The crowd wants plays about posh people.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00They want gangs of geographically named dukes who wander on at random
0:04:00 > 0:04:04and say, "Come, Sussex, Oxford and Northampton!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Let us to York, there to do battle with Surrey, Cornwall,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"Solihull and Basingstoke!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14People might enjoy something a bit more realistic.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17There's plenty of drama in real life.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19If you want to write tragedy, why not write about the plague?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The plague?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I can see people just flocking
0:04:22 > 0:04:25to watch a drama about crowds of the living dead
0:04:25 > 0:04:28wandering around with their flesh falling off(!)
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I'd go.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Caesar, I beg you, go not to the capital today.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Woe! Woe!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Woe!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47What do you think?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Come on, I can take it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I welcome criticism.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- It's crap, if I'm honest. - I know.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I know. I need to dig deeper, explore further.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Really feel the role.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Kate, drop it. You can't be an actor.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Why? Because I'm only the landlady's daughter?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It in't that. You just don't sound like a girl.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- But I am a girl. - Yeah, but you can't act one, love.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11We've been through this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12It takes a bloke.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Women aren't clever enough.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Quae mihi quia ego stulta. - You what?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22It's Latin for "such a shame to be an ignorant woman".
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Live with it, love.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Can you at least give me some performance notes?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28All right. Well, your voice, for starters.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29It's too nice.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It needs to be all raw and squeaky, like this.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Caesar, I beg you, go not into the capital today.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Well, what about my physicality?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Surely at least I move like a girl?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Well, I suppose.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46A bit. Although it'd be better with
0:05:46 > 0:05:49two half-coconuts shoved down your bodice.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Except they wouldn't fit, would they?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53No room for falsies cos of your realies.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Such cruel irony.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Ah, Kate! Are you here? Splendid.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Bottom, ale and pie.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Good morrow'd be nice.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh, terrible journey.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Some pasty-brained arse-mungel
0:06:04 > 0:06:06decided to kill himself on the track.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Ohh.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09I hate that.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12So selfish. I mean, jump in a lake!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Eat some hemlock! Fall on your sword!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Agitate a large bear with a small stick!
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Just don't throw yourself under the bloody carriage in front of mine!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Selfish bastible.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26They didn't close the road?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Of course they closed the bloody road!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I mean, why, for God's sake?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Just why?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33The man is dead.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37There is a large cart track running from his crutch to his cranium.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Scrape him up and put him in a bag.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Just scrape him up and put him in a bag!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44But, oh, no. That would mean passing up
0:06:44 > 0:06:47the opportunity to drive the public insane with frustration
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and, let's face it, this is England, so that ain't gonna happen.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52So frustrating.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And to top it all, our stalled coach
0:06:55 > 0:06:57had to take on passengers
0:06:57 > 0:07:00from the one under which the selfish bastible had hurled himself.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Suddenly, I find myself squeezed next to an oafish groundling
0:07:04 > 0:07:07who spent the entire journey stroking his porker.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I suppose it passes the time.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13A pig, Bottom. A pig.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16He did carry home bacon for his daughter's dowry,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and the beast crawled with vermin.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21'Twas not so much a pig that had fleas
0:07:21 > 0:07:23as fleas that had a pig!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Whenever I crush fleas,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I always use the time to practise my dancing.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31SHE PLAYS A JAUNTY TUNE
0:07:33 > 0:07:36As you know, music and dance are key skills for actors.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Kate...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Stop it now.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49We go through this 17 times a week.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I know I've said I'd help
0:07:51 > 0:07:53but you can't be an actor.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You're a girl.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Where would you put the coconuts?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59That's what I said.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00So unfair!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Morning, all! Let myself in. Kind of go where I please. It's just easier.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Oh, Kit! No, no. Always welcome! Always.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Good morrow, Mr Marlowe. - Mistress Kate.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Make yourself at home. - Yeah, did that.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It's brilliant to see you, Kit.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16You're so cool and confident.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Being your mate always makes me feel a bit more cool and confident.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Of course it does. So, whisper is you're writing another play.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Good work, that man. I can't think how you find the energy.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Actually, I have several on the go at present,
0:08:26 > 0:08:30alongside my teen romance. Mainly just ideas.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32The Taming Of The Vole,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35which I quite like.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Seventeen Gentlemen Of Verona.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39That... That needs trimming.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43A Midsummer Night's Whimsical Old Tosh.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Still looking for the big idea there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I've told you. Just say it's a dream.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You can get away with any old dung-balls if you say it's a dream.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Exactly, Bottom.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And I hope my quill does wither on Miss Clucky's arse
0:08:56 > 0:08:58before I resort to such a lazy cop-out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02It's all a bit "so what?" so far, Will. You got any more?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04The Merchant Of Guildford?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Kind of works. - Kind of doesn't.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09A Not Very Funny Story About Errors.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Ouch.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12They all need work, of course,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15but I have one finished, and I'm really pleased with it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17The Tragical History Of Mary, Queen Of Scots.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Oh, yes, now we're talking! I'm loving that.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And such a strong part for a woman.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You mean, for a man playing a woman.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Women can't act, obviously. - That's what I said.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Where would you put the coconuts? - No room!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Please, Mr Shakespeare.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I would work so hard.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I know I am only an ignorant woman
0:09:33 > 0:09:36but I have read Historia Gentis Scotorum
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and so know something of the Stuart queen's back story.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40A clever girl's an ugly girl, Kate.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Kate, let it lie.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Women are not allowed to act.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51It's so cruel to live in times when women are denied everything!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52SHE GASPS
0:09:53 > 0:09:54DOOR SLAMS
0:09:54 > 0:09:56BOTTOM WHISTLES
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Birds, eh?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58So emotional.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01They're second-class citizens. Get over it.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Anyway, Kit, I was telling you about my new play.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It is to be presented to the Master of the Revels
0:10:07 > 0:10:09that it may be performed before Her Majesty.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Oh, yes! That'll be great!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Except probably better if I presented it. Just a thought.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Here we go, Master. Be strong.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Marlowe, I've told you, I'm not writing you any more plays.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20HE CHUCKLES
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Come on, Will.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23You owe me. It's me that got your
0:10:23 > 0:10:25work before the public in the first place.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27By sticking your name on it!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It was the only way. What were you?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31A country bum-snot fresh off the coach.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Nobody took you seriously.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Exactly.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I was but a jobbing actor when I gave you
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Tamburlaine and Doctor Faustus,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41but now I want credit for my own work.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42A bit selfish, Will.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Not very attractive.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Kit, be reasonable. Mine is a unique voice.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Well, unique-ish. I mean, all you really do is jumble up the words.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Well, I...I admit, I do do a fair bit of word-jumbling,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58and I'm not apologising for that, but also, I create language,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00inventing phrases that I'm sure one day
0:11:00 > 0:11:02will be in common usage. Look here.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Mary Stuart, who is twice damned,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- being both Scottish and French... - Hmm.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13..she I have dubbed
0:11:13 > 0:11:14a frog-jock.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Ooh.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Fair play. That is pretty good.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21That's just the sort of line I should have written.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Hmm. But you didn't.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Don't quibble, Will. It makes you look small.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Come on. Give us a play.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Because of you, everyone thinks I'm this brilliant poet guy
0:11:29 > 0:11:32when, actually, I couldn't be bothered to rhyme "dove" with...
0:11:32 > 0:11:33See?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Lost interest already.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Verse is just not my gig.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38But why do you care that people think you're a poet?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Y-You're a famous roister.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43The most popular man in the city.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Your name is like a cold sore.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Pardon?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49It's on everybody's lips.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Bit rubbish, that one, Master.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Look, Bottom, improvisation needs
0:11:54 > 0:11:56a non-critical environment to flourish.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You can't do it if you're getting heckled by your servant.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You need to man up. Comedy's a tough game. It's adversarial.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I just don't think it needs to be.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Come on, Will.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07You totally know why I need this poet thing.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08It's my cover.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, yes, of course. I was forgetting.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12You're a secret agent.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I'm one of Walsingham's men.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Sworn to defend the realm, yet forever in the shadows
0:12:16 > 0:12:19and so I play the gadsome poet
0:12:19 > 0:12:21whilst on my secret work of vital national importance.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Hmm. This work being the entrapping and burning of Catholics?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Absolutely. - And that's vitally important, is it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Well, it seems to be. Walsingham never shuts up about it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33As a taxpayer, I can't help wondering
0:12:33 > 0:12:35if the state might not be better employed
0:12:35 > 0:12:38expending its resources on other important works.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Building better roads, for instance,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42or some rudimentary urban plumbing.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, you'd think, wouldn't you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47But burning Catholics, that's definitely the big thing.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Just as burning Protestants was the big thing
0:12:49 > 0:12:53of the last insane bint in a crown who passed England's way.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yes, weird, isn't it? But I don't make the rules.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I'm just in it for the expense account
0:12:57 > 0:12:58and the chance to chase foreign girls.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Well, I'm sorry, Kit,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02but you're going to have to have exotic sex at the public's expense
0:13:02 > 0:13:04without my help. I love you, cuz,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06but I'm not giving you my frog-jock play,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08and that's final.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Well, if you won't, you won't, I suppose.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Writing plays can't be that hard.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Maybe I'll just grab a chicken and write one myself.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Kit, you be no poet.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20If you write a play, I...I fear it will be like that
0:13:20 > 0:13:22which stinks but be not fish,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24fertilises plants but be not compost,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and is the last stage of the digestive process
0:13:27 > 0:13:30but be not a glass of port and a pipe of tobacco.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Pardon?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35He means "crap".
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You get used to him over time.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Well, we'll see. No hard feelings. Right, I'm for the tavern.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I love you loads.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I hated saying no.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48He's such a great bloke.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- He uses you. - He's a mate.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- You're his bitch. - I am not his bitch!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You are, but you can't see it cos you're too nice.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What's more, he gave up too easy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00He's up to something. I don't trust him.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Nonsense, Bottom.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Kit's my mate.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05He would never plot against me.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08It's time you stood up for yourself, Kate.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Mr Marlowe, Mr Shakespeare is my friend.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I can't betray him.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Would you rather betray your own sex?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22If Will's play were mine, I'd defy the law
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and let you play the frog-jock queen.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- You'd really make me an actor? - Absolutely.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Imagine it - the curtain calls, the lovely little suppers,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36the licence to bang on endlessly about poverty and inequality
0:14:36 > 0:14:38whilst trousering a golden purse!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And even more important than that,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44the chance to be a strong woman and prove that women are strong.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Absolutely.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Particularly women actors,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50who I imagine will be very, very strong indeed
0:14:50 > 0:14:54and believe strongly in the fact that women are strong.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55- For sure. Totally. - I'll do it.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Good girl.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58But where will I put the coconuts?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00One problem at a time.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, Bottom, today's the day.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Eh?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The poet Robert Greene, who is Master of the Queen's Revels,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10is coming to collect my brilliant play
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Frog-Jock Mary, Queen Of Gingery Savages In Skirts.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Ah, Master Shaky-Talent.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'm sorry.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Did I say Shaky-Talent?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I meant, of course, Shakespeare,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29although oft the tongue will tattle what the heart would hide.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Oft indeed, you preening, supercilious plague pustule.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oops! You see?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36I'm doing it now.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38BOTH CHUCKLE
0:15:41 > 0:15:43But enough of such merriment, sirrah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46The third Sunday after Lammington Eve approaches.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You sent word that you have written a play.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Not even a collaboration, but all by yourself.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You sound surprised, Master Greene.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Well, 'tis only that all London's poets are university men -
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Kyd, Nashe, Beaumont, Marlowe,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04mine own humble self,
0:16:04 > 0:16:10while you, sir, are a country bum-snot and oik of Avon,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13a town-school spotty-grotty.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19And so am I like the fulsome cleavage of a buxom, saucing wench.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Meaning?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Much looked down upon.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I like that one, Master.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26That works.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Woe to Albion!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30This sceptred isle doth burst with talent
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and yet a gaggle of snootish pamperloins
0:16:32 > 0:16:36from just two universities snaffle all the influence, jobs and cash.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40It is as it should be and as it ever will be, sirrah.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Ever will be, Greene? Huh! I hardly think that, centuries hence,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47a tiny clique of Oxbridge posh boys will still be running everything.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Come now, the appointed day approaches.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I would fain have sight of your play
0:16:54 > 0:16:56to ensure the Queen's person be not offended.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Offended? My play's a eulogy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Liz will love it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02If she sees it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Christopher Marlowe, a university man of proven genius,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09has also promised a play.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Kit? He wrote a play after all?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Damn! That was quick.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Come now, I'm a busy man.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Give me your play!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Absolutely. Here it is.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20PAPERS RUSTLE
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Um... I have it,
0:17:24 > 0:17:25but... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:25 > 0:17:27..I-I thought I might drop it off later.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Later, sirrah?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Why later, pray?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Just want to give it a final polish, you know?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Dotting Is, crossing Ts.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38At Cambridge, we tend to dot our Is and cross our Ts as we go along.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I still have a few days.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43But a few, sir. The Queen has taken to her bed with a chill.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45She wants this play to cheer her up.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- And she shall have it. - Good day!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51It's gone!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53My play, it's gone!
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Oh, no!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, no! Woe!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59We must search every inch of this room.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Bye.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It must be here somewhere!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Well, if it is, we can't find it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12True. It is beyond our skill.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15But there is a mystical species that can find anything.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Wood nymphs!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Don't be ridiculous. - Sorry.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Wood nymphs are treacherous creatures
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and would find my play only to put it on the fire
0:18:24 > 0:18:26to warm the toes of their sweethearts, the elves.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30But there is another enchanted species that will serve.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Who's that, then?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Why, to find it, we have only to take a man
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and add woe.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Know you of what creature I speak?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Uh... Someone sad?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Are sad people good at finding things?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Why, a man's woe is his wife,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and add "woe" to "man" and you have...?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Woe-man.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Woe-man? - Woman!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Woman... - My wife, Bottom! Mistress Anne!
0:18:55 > 0:18:56She can find anything.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Honestly, Master, it'd be so much easier if you just said "Anne".
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's what I do!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Now, hie thee to the coaching house and send word for Stratford.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Well, I've found six old quills, three sets of eyeglasses
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and two penn'orth three farthing down a crack.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Bit of a relief, that. I thought it were piles.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20But no Papist-baiting play.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21This is terrible.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Greene will take Marlowe's play to the Queen in my stead.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Marlowe? You mean that bloke you've let take credit for your plays
0:19:27 > 0:19:30cos he's a posh boy and makes you feel inadequate?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32He does not make me feel inadequate.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I just happen to think he's a really great guy.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36When did you last see the play?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38On the day I returned from Stratford.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Marlowe had come over to quaff wine and have a ladsy chat.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Kate was here.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44She will bear witness.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Kate, the landlady's daughter,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48who's always banging on about being a star?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50By St Cuthbert's codpiece, Husband,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52do you not know anything about human nature?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Actually, I have a unique and timeless insight into...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58into the very heart of what it is to be human.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01It's... It's absolutely what I do!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, you must see that Marlowe's got your play,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05pinched by false Kate.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's bleedin' obvious.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Kate and Marlowe?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Y-Y-You're saying they've stitched me up like a pair of winter drawers?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17I'd expect it of him, but I'm very disappointed in her.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, you're too nice, Will.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21We all know that.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24But now it's time to use your unique and timeless insight
0:20:24 > 0:20:27into conjuring some trick to get the play back.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28I will, Wife. I will!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- In fact, I have! - Already?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Yes. And it's a corker.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Bottom, take this to Burbage at the Red Lion and await me there.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39If Kate be false, this will sound her out.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41The play's the crucial factor
0:20:41 > 0:20:44to catch the conscience of our girlie actor.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Well, this is most peculiar.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52All ready? We need to begin
0:20:52 > 0:20:55rehearsal on Marlowe's brilliant Mary, The Frog-Jock.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Such a wonderful part for me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00The traitor queen - half-French, half-Scottish.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02A dialect challenge indeed.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Bonjour, Jimmy...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- FRENCH ACCENT: - ..comment-allez vous...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - ..ya dirty wee bastard?- Yes...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11But now Will Shakespeare does insist upon our old friendship
0:21:11 > 0:21:16that we must posthaste rehearse this fragment of his.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You, Mr Condell, will play Katie, a beautiful young lady.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Typecasting, darling?!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And I am Sir Christopher Stoop-lowe,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25a spy and a charlatan.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26A comic role, I think.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Comedy? Yeah?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30That's right.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You do a bit of comedy, don't you, Burbage?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35English comedy. Boring comedy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38In Italy, where I'm big, we do proper comedy. Yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Ground-breaking, modern... - You shut up, Kempe.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You play one Shakepike. A genius.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Ah, so no acting required, then?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Good morrow, sirrahs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I see you have my new pages.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Well, you sent word you had verse to show us.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Indeed I do, Kit. Come, friends, be seated and let the play begin.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Places, everybody! Places!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Now, remember, speak the speech as I have writ it
0:22:01 > 0:22:04and don't wave your arms about and try to be funny.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I beg your pardon?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And don't shout. Frankly, if you're going to shout,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I might as well get Mr Shouty the town-shouter to shout my verse.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Cheeky sod!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17And please don't do that actor thing of adding one not-very-funny grunt
0:22:17 > 0:22:18and then going around saying you
0:22:18 > 0:22:20made up the whole thing in rehearsal.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21BURBAGE GRUNTS
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And so, let us begin.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32The Lamentable Tragedy Of The False Maid And The Stolen Muse!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34SHE GASPS
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Mark Kate, Bottom. See how she doth squeak in fear.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm Bill Shakepike,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42greatest writer in London,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and writ have I my finest work, so...
0:22:45 > 0:22:46What-ho!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Here come I, young Katie,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50who doth reside with Shakepike.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51- SOFTLY:- That's me.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's me!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Stay cool, pretty lady, stay cool.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Has thou writ a brilliant new play, Bill?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Ooh, have I? Yeah, just a bit.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Stick to the bloody script, Kempe!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Just helping you out, mate.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06'Tis I, Sir Christopher Stoop-lowe!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10A spy and a false friend!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13And I will have Shakepike's play for my own!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Steal the play, Katie!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Steal the play, Katie!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23BOARD WOBBLES
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Steal the play!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I can't bear it!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30but I stole your play and I hate myself.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32But Mr Marlowe promised me the female lead
0:23:32 > 0:23:34and I just wanted it so much, because it's my dream!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36A girl to play a girl?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It's outrageous. Where would you put the coconuts?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Well, Will, nice trick.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44You are a clever little bastible, I'll give you that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Here's your play back, and no hard feelings, eh?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Oh, so does this mean we can still be mates, then?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Bloody hell, Master! Why don't you just send him flowers?!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- Of course we can still be mates. You too, Kate.- Ooh!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Although you are going to have to toughen up
0:23:57 > 0:23:58if you want to cut it in a man's world.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Can't get teary and collapse over a bit of overacting.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I beg your pardon?!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Such an outrage. - Actually, I was brilliant. Fact.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I've got it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I've got my play for the Queen's feast.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I only pray I'm not too late.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Play? Play?!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You talk of plays?!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23The Queen's chill has grown worse and she is like to die.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24The kingdom is in crisis.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27We will have a new monarch by eventide,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and I must hasten to insert my nose
0:24:29 > 0:24:31betwixt the next set of royal buttocks
0:24:31 > 0:24:34before other oily courtiers fill the gap.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Be gone, sirrah, with your play!
0:24:37 > 0:24:38But, Master Greene...
0:24:39 > 0:24:43..if you hope to be master of the new monarch's revels,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45surely you'll need a play
0:24:45 > 0:24:47for the celebration feast?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Actually, that's true.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56No other courtier will have a play so soon.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Guards, see that Mr Shakespeare doesn't leave!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03That were quick thinking, Master.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Your play will be the first of a new reign.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Pretty posh way to kick off your solo career.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Yes, it really is a brilliant opportunity.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Wonder who the next king'll be.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Unless it's another bird.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Oh, bloody hell, I hope not. It's just wrong.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20No chance of that. The succession has been settled
0:25:20 > 0:25:22since the Queen passed child-bearing age.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26There survives a great-great-grandson of Henry VII.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27James VI of Scotland.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30In fact, he'll be James I of England.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Oh. James of Scotland.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Master... - Yes, Bottom?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm just thinking... I may be wrong, cos I'm a groundling
0:25:37 > 0:25:41and it's all crap for us, whoever's on t'throne, but isn't he a Stuart?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yeah, that's right. Son of Mary Stuart.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Mary Stuart, who your play slags off as a frog-jock queen
0:25:46 > 0:25:48and traitorous Catholic whore-slap.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, God. I'm on the wrong branch of the family tree.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55A new head on the coins.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57And a new head in the waste-heads basket.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I've got to run.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02We must burn the play!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03No fire - it's summer.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Then dissolve it in quicklime.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Yeah, cos obviously I've got a wheelbarrow
0:26:07 > 0:26:08full of that in me bag(!)
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I don't suppose you've got any salt and pepper, either.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Glorious news! The Queen is recovered!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29The doctors think her like to live another 20 years!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And, Master Shakespeare,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34you have more luck than you deserve,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38for the first thing the Queen has asked for is a play.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40HE BURPS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I... I had it
0:26:43 > 0:26:45but it's been stolen...
0:26:45 > 0:26:46by wood nymphs.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Mr Shakespeare, Her Majesty is promised a play,
0:26:50 > 0:26:55and you must provide one...now.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15The Lamentable Tragedy Of The False Maid And The Stolen Muse.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Hmm.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Interesting title.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Where's the play?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Um...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22That's it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25It's on the back.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33HEN CLUCKS
0:27:33 > 0:27:38The Queen said my play lacked plot, wit, grace and poetry.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- There was one thing she liked. - That's promising. What?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That it was only 97 seconds long.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I fear I've missed my chance.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And eaten a masterpiece.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I still can't believe that little minx, Kate, stole your play.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I've forgiven her.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Kate is a sweet girl, really,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58and Marlowe is so persuasive with the ladies.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59And the blokes.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I hope this little incident has cooled your bromance.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I like Kit, Anne.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06He's cool, he's confident.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08He's everything I'm not.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10You don't want to be like that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14You're a fartsome baldy-boots, doll. Own it!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Kit Marlowe'll probably die in some bleedin' tavern fight somewhere,
0:28:19 > 0:28:22whereas you will die in your own bed
0:28:22 > 0:28:24with me, your loving wife.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Ah, you're right, Anne.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I'd certainly rather be dull than dead.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30SHE CHUCKLES
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Besides, you showed him, eh?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Oh, that was such a clever idea,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38putting on a play to prick a guilty conscience!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Yes, it did work rather well!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Oh... You should put that in a play.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46A play within a play?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48That's not going to work!