0:00:21 > 0:00:25Well, Kit, not so dusty, eh? Things are looking up for me and no mistake.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Already I have not one but three plays in Burbage's repertoire.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32And what's more, they are all called Henry VI.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Which must surely be some sort of record.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36No doubt about it, Will,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40you're absolutely ripping London theatre a new arsington. Big respect, cuz.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Feels good. Can't deny. And there's more.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47See here, I have an invitation to Lord Southampton's saucy prancings.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Think of it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Me, a Stratford bum-shankle,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55a-hobbing and a-nobbing with the cock-snobbled folderols.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Hell of a step up for you. And one in the eye for Robert Greene.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Him and his varsity wits think the Southampton prancings
0:01:01 > 0:01:04their own private literary salon. Tch!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06He's going to crap a dead cat when he hears you've been invited!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Which is, of course, brilliant. I salute you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14- Thanks, mate.- Mind you, not sure about this teenage romance thing
0:01:14 > 0:01:15you've been banging on about.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16I'm not going to lie.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Sounds lame.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Same. I think it's wet.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21I love it.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Well, as it happens, I've decided to shelve Romeo for now.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I need a guaranteed smash to cement my reputation and, sadly,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32lovey-dovey smoochy-woochy just ain't going to cut it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yeah, you got that right. The plebs want violence and murder.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Of course we do!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40So this morning I knocked out a really satisfying Richard III.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Bit too much information, Will.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I mean, why do we need to know?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- It's a play.- Oh, right. - Oh!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Even Richard must wait,
0:01:52 > 0:01:56because the one I'm really pleased with is my big new Jew play.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, yes!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Love a Jew play! No chance you'll give it to me, I suppose?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02No, Kit, I'm afraid not.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Come on, it's just the sort of thing I should be writing.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Then why don't you? - You know why.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ah, of course. Your other job.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Hunting Catholics for Walsingham's torture chamber.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Defending the one true, pure and divine faith.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19This being the one true, pure and divine faith that Henry VIII basically invented
0:02:19 > 0:02:22so that he could dump his missus and have it away with bonker Boleyn?
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Yes, that's the one.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26A romance so spiritually true, pure and divine
0:02:26 > 0:02:28that it went from rumpy-pumpy lovey-dovey
0:02:28 > 0:02:31to choppy-woppy heady-deady
0:02:31 > 0:02:33in just three years.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34I don't make the rules, Will.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Well, I'm sorry, but you can't have my Jew play.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I'm on a roll and it's my time to shine.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Fine. Can't really blame you, I suppose.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I'm off to the bawdy house for a quaff and a roger.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Pretty hose, Mr Marlowe.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Very trendy.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48ENGLISH ACCENT: Tres joli, monsieur.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Italian. Latest thing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Gosh, I envy you, Kit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I could never carry off tights like that.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- I'm afraid they just wear me. - Oh, don't be ridiculous. You've just got to strut!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59- Oh!- That's all.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02You're too apologetic. Just get out there and show the world
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- that you don't give a damn. Hey! - Oh!- I love you loads.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Easy for him to say.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11The problem is, I do give a damn.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I crave approval and people sense that in me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17It's true. You're very needy.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Not needy. Just nice.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22People don't like nice. They look upon it as weakness.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I want to be liked, and so for some
0:03:24 > 0:03:26dark reason located deep in the human soul,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28people are less inclined to like me.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- HE WHISTLES - Feet!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Marlowe, on the other hand, doesn't give a tosslington,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- so everyone wants to be his mate. - I'm just like you, Mr Shakespeare.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Girls used to call me a try-hard because I wanted to make friends.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41But the more I tried, the more they'd pull my hair
0:03:41 > 0:03:44and stab me with their knitting needles.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46But, in the end, I made three great pals.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Latin, Greek...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49and mathematics.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53A good lesson for all us farts and try-hards, Kate.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What we lack in easy charm we must
0:03:55 > 0:03:57make up for with talent and hard work.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00And mine is finally paying off!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I have my big new Jew play ready for Burbage.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05And an invitation to Southampton's prancings
0:04:05 > 0:04:08in the pocket of my puffling pants.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Even Robert Greene, who doth hate my gutlings,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13must now admit I am the coming man.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20THUNDER RUMBLES
0:04:20 > 0:04:23William Shakespeare.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Curse him for an oafish country bum-snot.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Already are his first three Henrys hits,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35whilst mine own sublime Friar Bacon And Friar Bungay
0:04:35 > 0:04:38fades in the fickle memory of the mob.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Many a time and oft have I thought
0:04:42 > 0:04:47to dispatch this upstart crow with steel.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51But such a death would be too quick for one so base.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Instead, have I employed
0:04:55 > 0:04:56a crueller weapon.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57THUNDER RUMBLES
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Tomorrow, all London will know
0:05:01 > 0:05:05how Robert Greene doth treat a low pretender to the rank of gentleman.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08For never more a poet will I be.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Instead...
0:05:10 > 0:05:11..I am become...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14...a critic.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15HE CACKLES
0:05:18 > 0:05:19A critic...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20A critic!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23HE CACKLES THUNDER RUMBLES
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Greene's review is out and it's an absolute stinkington.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Oh!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32No!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Ouch. "Upstart crow."
0:05:35 > 0:05:37That'll hurt.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38You are right, Condell.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40He'll hide away for a while after this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Hm, yeah, nasty.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Mind you, might be the wake-up call he needs, so...
0:05:48 > 0:05:49I beg your pardon, Kempe?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52This is the 16th century.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53He has to move on.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Test the boundaries, challenge the form, yeah?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Like with his comedy. Comedy isn't jokes.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Comedy is attitude.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01It's not what you say.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It's what you don't say.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Do shut up, Kempe.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10"Upstart crow"?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13He calls me "upstart crow"?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14I can't believe it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I mean, one welcomes intelligent criticism, but this is just abuse.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I thought you never read reviews.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23We all say that, Bottom, but it isn't true, obviously.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We contrive to bring the good ones to the notice of our friends
0:06:26 > 0:06:31while letting the bad ones eat into our souls until the day we die!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Don't be so soft. It will be forgot by tomorrow.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35That used to be the case,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39but since printing took off, bad reviews hang around for ever.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Woe to Albion that through this new invention,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44any clueless arse-mungle may make
0:06:44 > 0:06:47his puerile twitterings known to the world...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52..as Robert Greene has done with his oh-so-amusing pamphlet,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54a Groatsworth Of Wit.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You have to admit it's a pretty good title.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Huh! If such little wit be worth a groat,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02then a king's ransom would not purchase my brilliant gag
0:07:02 > 0:07:06about waking up in an enchanted forest and falling in love with a donkey.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Seriously, Master, you didn't expect Greene to be nice to you?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12He's a rival poet.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15For a genius, you don't know much about human nature.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Actually, understanding human nature is one of my big things.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Well, then, you should be able to see that he's jealous.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He's jealous like...like...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26The green-eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Well, I was going to say, like a talentless turd in tights, which...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33..actually, I think is better.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The point is, don't let him live in your head rent free.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Huh? Who cares what he thinks?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I care! These salty barbs will ruin me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45All London will revel in my shame.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Yeah, cos everyone in London's talking about you, aren't they(?)
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Got nothing else to worry about at all(!)
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"Got the plague. Could be worse - I could've been called an uppity crow."
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"Starving to death? Ooh, at least you haven't had a bad review!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Yes, all right, Bottom!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"You're burned alive for refusing to deny Jesus were made of wine and wafers?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"Well, that's nothing! Will Shake got called upstart crow by a posh boy!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"All your kids dead? Well, that's nothing..."
0:08:12 > 0:08:16All right, Bottom! I get the gag.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Yeah. And you know I'm right, too. - I do not know you're right,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23and getting a bad review is much worse than getting the plague,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26because at least with the plague, the person that gave it to you dies!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Good morrow, Will.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Mistress Kate.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I let myself in. Don't really do manners. Just kind of go where I please.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Of course, Kit. Always welcome.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I suppose you've seen Greene's piece in the Groat?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Oh-ho-ho! Absolutely!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41You got a serious bitch-slapping.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Still, forget about it, eh? - I can't forget about it, Kit.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It's...it's eating away at me.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Well, in that case, kill him. Ain't no thing.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Challenge him to a duel when you see him at the prancings.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I can't fight him, Kit. I'm no dashing blade.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Where I went to school, we did our duelling with conkers,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and the loser had to give everyone a bite of his carrot.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Besides which, I can't go to the prancings now.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Why not?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Because I'll look a fool.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Everyone will have read the Groat. I couldn't stand the shame.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Will, please! Grow a pair of Bolingbrokes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17The way to put Greene in his place is to show London you don't care what he thinks.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21But I do care, and all will know it. 'Tis writ upon my face.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22- He's transparent. - Come on, Will!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The noble peacock doesn't hang his head.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28He displays his bum-shank with magnificent feathery plumes.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Show this churl your feathery bum-shank!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33But how?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Strut, man! Rock some fine thread! Put on a show!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Confidence is attractive.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Believe me, the only way this review can hurt you is if you let it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Go a-prancings in silken tights of figure-hugging Italian cut,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and Lord Southampton will see you are a dainty man of taste and breeding,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and Greene will look a fool he ever called you upstart!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Do you know, I think that could really work.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56If I turn up in form-fitting tights,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58everyone will see I've got balls.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03My sweet wife Anne is a pretty seamstress
0:10:03 > 0:10:04and for a few pence-worth of silk
0:10:04 > 0:10:07will she stitch me hose fit for the thighs of a prince.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Sounds like a plan.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Then ho for Stratford.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14As I always say, the apparel oft proclaims the man.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I still think that should be "clothes maketh the man".
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Well, I imagine that's how it'll end up getting misquoted.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24HEN CLUCKS
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Father is returned. Let joy be unbounded.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Ugh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Where's our presents?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Uh... "Hello, Dad. Nice to see you."
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Did you bring us anything?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Blimey!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Here's your bloody sugar sticks.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43How did it ever get to be the rule that as soon as a father
0:10:43 > 0:10:46takes one step outside his front door,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49he's obliged to bring his children presents on his return?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Methinks that in future, less-indulgent ages,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56kids will not be suffered to demand sweets on an almost-monthly basis.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, this is a nice surprise, Will.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00We weren't expecting you.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Mwah! - Dad!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05We've been practising for the May Day stupid dance.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Mum's making us costumes! Will you watch us?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Run along and play, kids. Give your father a minute.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12WILL SIGHS
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Good journey, Will?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Absolutely. Good seat, clean coach, on time.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Well, that makes a nice change.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Except... Hang on - no, that was in my dreams!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Unfortunately, I made the mistake of travelling in the real world
0:11:27 > 0:11:29so, no, appalling journey.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Will you stay long? - Sadly not, my love.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I'm just so busy in London churning out plays,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I can only stay a night. I really am becoming quite a success.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41In fact, I'm invited to saucy prancings at Lord Southampton's.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, zounds, that is posh.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Posh indeed, good wife, and a good show must I make,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49which is why I've come home. I need your help.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Take this shilling and with it
0:11:51 > 0:11:53stitch me tights in the Italian style.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Italian style, Will?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57People'll see the contours of your Bolingbrokes.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Ooh, Mum!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03That's exactly what I want them to see, Anne.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07My big, bad, country-boy Bolingbrokes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I think I am actually going to be sick.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16It seems this upstart crow still flies.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Word has reached me that he is seen about the town in fine new tights.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26'Tis clear the rustic fool intends to try to brazen out
0:12:26 > 0:12:28the shame of my savage review
0:12:28 > 0:12:33by showing the world the contours of his Bolingbrokes. Well...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39If he be so vain as to think he can
0:12:39 > 0:12:42come a-prancing 'mongst educated men,
0:12:42 > 0:12:47then, perchance, I can turn that vanity against him.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49HE CHUCKLES EVILLY
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Nice bloody tights, Mr Shakespeare!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Nice indeed, Kate.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Strutted have I from Fleet Street to Fenchurch,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and many a cheeky whistle have I got!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I'll wear these to the prancings, brazen out Greene's review,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and then my big, new Jew play will
0:13:05 > 0:13:09make my reputation as London's best bard.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Actually, I wanted to mention the big, new Jew play, Mr Shakespeare.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- I read it. I hope that's all right.- No problem, Kate. Enjoy it?
0:13:17 > 0:13:22The bit where the wicked Jew poisons an entire convent full of nuns?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24The end, where the Jew gets boiled
0:13:24 > 0:13:27in a big pot by the righteous Christians?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Yes, I was wondering about those bits, particularly.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Well, they are good. Nothing like whipping up violent
0:13:33 > 0:13:35prejudice against small, defenceless ethnic groups
0:13:35 > 0:13:37to get bums on seats.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Actually, it's that aspect I was wondering about.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I just thought...well, that you were a bit better than that.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Oh, here we go.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I might have seen that coming.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Lighten up, Kate.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Has theatre got so sensitive and correct
0:13:53 > 0:13:57that a writer can't even start a pogrom without causing offence?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Jew-baiting is funny.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It's a joke.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Get a sense of humour.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06But you actually feel that,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10or is it that, deep down, you know it's mean and cruel and divisive,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13but you can't resist easy thrills and cheap laughs?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Look, it's...it's layered.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I... I'm being ironic
0:14:17 > 0:14:18and post Renaissance.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Oh... It's irony, is it?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Yes. By massaging prejudice, I'm actually satirising it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28B-B-But really, though, are you? Honestly?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's a joke.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31It...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32BANGING
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Goodness. 'Tis Robert Greene. Shall I get Bottom
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- to heave a bucket of wee over him? - Yes.- Yes!- No...- No.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43He must've come about some purpose and I would know it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46But since he hates you, surely he'll dissemble,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50concealing his true thoughts and seeking to gull you into further shame.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You're right, Kate.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55So, what I'll do is, I'll hide me behind this chair
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and bend my little ear to hear the secrets of his heart,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00for doubtless will he speak his thoughts out loud,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02as is the custom 'mongst the dainties.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Brilliant idea!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You hide, I'll go and let him in.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Good Master Shakespeare...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16But soft! The room is bare.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18That foolish girl mistaken must have been.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24'Tis shame indeed
0:15:24 > 0:15:27for I am come all contrite
0:15:27 > 0:15:32to make amends for my foolish slander in the Groat
0:15:32 > 0:15:35and offer a token of my future love.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39God's conkers, here's a minty fix.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He has come to make amends, and I am hid.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46I will reveal myself but dissemble of the cause.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48HE SNORES LOUDLY
0:15:48 > 0:15:50But soft!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54What's this? Why, good Master Shakespeare be here after all!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Sirrah, are you well?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:15:58 > 0:16:00What? What? Oh...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Yes, quite well, sir.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04HE YAWNS
0:16:04 > 0:16:08W-Weary was I and so did lay me down to rest
0:16:08 > 0:16:10behind this...chair.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Well, now, Greene, it seems right strange
0:16:14 > 0:16:17that one who dubbed me crow comes now a-calling.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21I am come to beg your pardon
0:16:21 > 0:16:25for the wrong I have done thee.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Wow.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Really? That's...that's extremely sweet of you.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Sweets, like the honeyed goat balls that toothless crones
0:16:35 > 0:16:36do suck on Lammas Eve.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40A brilliant image from a brilliant poet.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Thanks. I will grant thee my pardon gladly, cuz.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46And for the new love I bear thee,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48will I speak further.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53'Tis whispered abroad that you would attend the saucy prancings
0:16:53 > 0:16:55all clad in silken hose.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Aye, 'tis true. Spy you these naughty boys.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I beg thee, cuz, to think again. The fashion changeth daily.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Silken hose is banished in Florence just now.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Instead, purple puffling pants,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13yellow tights and really silly cross-garters are all the rage.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Any who come a-prancing dressed not so
0:17:16 > 0:17:18will make a poor show indeed.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Really?- Really.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Goodness. M-My heartfelt thanks for telling me this,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25for I would fain make a good impression.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Then I will see you at the prancings.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Good day.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Well, what did he want?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He said he was sorry and wanted to make amends.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Isn't that lovely?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39He's lying.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40It's bloody obvious.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It does seem a coddling good turnaround
0:17:43 > 0:17:45from him that called me "upstart crow".
0:17:45 > 0:17:47'Tis certain this Greene, who was
0:17:47 > 0:17:50all green, like the green-eyed sea-monster,
0:17:50 > 0:17:54does not turn joyful pink, like the one-eyed trouser-monster
0:17:54 > 0:17:56in so swift a time.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Hmm. It is a bit strange, when you put it like that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03He told me my tights weren't fashionable enough
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and that I should wear purple puffling pants,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08yellow tights and really silly cross-garters to the prancing.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- He's trying to trick you into looking stupid.- Exactly!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14So must I go all clad in sombre garb,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16like a God-prodding pure-titty
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and thus filch him of his gulling.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Absolutely.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22And yet...
0:18:23 > 0:18:26..why does this Greene hate me?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Because he's jealous.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Exactly, Bottom.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Because I'm a genius.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33That's not actually what I said.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36And...and since he knows how clever I am,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39he must know that if he tells me to wear stupid prancing pants,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I will get his bluffle and come in sombre garb,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44whilst he besports his dainty leg
0:18:44 > 0:18:47in finest Italian cross-gartered yellow.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You're over-thinking this, Master.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52And so must I practise on him a double-bluffle
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and go a-prancing in purple pants!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Where be Will Shakespeare and his Jew play?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04This is most frustrating.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Well, bad review - knocks you back. I know the feeling.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Except, hang on, I don't,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12because I've never had one!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Personally, I never read reviews.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Oh...
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Although there was a lovely piece of graffiti about my Faerie Queene
0:19:19 > 0:19:21scratched on the wall behind the privy at the Red Lion!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Master Burbage!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Why, Mr Greene, to what do we owe this honour?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You know very well.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I sent word suggesting a revival of mine own sublime Friar Bacon And Friar Bungay
0:19:33 > 0:19:35for your next production.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You have not replied.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Ah, yes. Well,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- lovely idea, Bunglay And Bacon. - Bacon And Bungay.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Brilliant stuff, and all that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47It's just that we await a new piece from Mr Shakespeare.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Really?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Shakespeare...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Shakespeare...
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Well, you may yet find you come crawling back to me 'ere long.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04This crow you speak of
0:20:04 > 0:20:07is invited to saucy prancings at Lord Southampton's,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10and methinks he'll put up so poor a show
0:20:10 > 0:20:12he'll ne'er be seen in this town again.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13HE CHUCKLES EVILLY
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I'll await your summons.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Good day.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Unbelievable!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30He just stopped. Stopped dead.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Susanna, your father's home. Help him with his cloak.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Oh, yeah. That's right.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I forgot I'm a slave!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What stopped, doll face?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42The coach. We were just pulling into Leamington Spa when it stopped
0:20:42 > 0:20:45barely 50 yards from the post house.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47No explanation! No apology!
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It just stood there...for a day!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I mean, why? Just why?!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57What are you doing home, anyway? Did you miss us?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I mean, not your mother, obviously. You're not insane!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I can hear you, Anne Shakespeare, and you're a very common woman.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08To tell the truth, Wife, I've had a bad review
0:21:08 > 0:21:10and must put on a really good show, so...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Oh, we might have just the thing, William. Go on, John.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Tell him your idea.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Idea? Dad, wh-wh... What idea?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Don't listen to him, love. He's a nasty, jealous old arse-mungle.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It seems to me
0:21:24 > 0:21:29you've made quite a success of yourself with your ready wit
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and uncanny command of language,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34but you're not that bloody clever.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I'm as witty as you are, easy.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Hmm.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I'm...I'm...I'm wondering where we're going with this.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45He wants to get in on it. Don't you let him.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You want to write plays, Dad?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48No, not plays. I hate your plays.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52But you're not just a playwright, are you?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56You're also a poet, a wit and an all-round smartarse.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59A raconteur, Husband.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01In Paris, they say "raconteur",
0:22:01 > 0:22:03which is French for smartarse.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And I was thinking, we could do it together.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Together? - Like a sort of double act.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11You the famous, witty, successful son,
0:22:11 > 0:22:18me the grumpy old dad who's unimpressed by your success and fashionable ways.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22The only one who can really point out what a knob you actually are.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Because he's your dad.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28M-Maybe...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I'm n-n-not sure.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34You're ashamed of me cos I'm a convicted criminal.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35No, no. I just...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oh, you think you've got above us with your bloody London ways?
0:22:38 > 0:22:43But I fear you'll never truly be accepted by the cock-snobbled folderols
0:22:43 > 0:22:48on account of the fact you're a turnip-chomping country bum-shankle.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Not so, Father!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54As you well know, I'm invited to Lord Southampton's saucy prancings,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and you don't get more cock-snobble than that!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00On which subject, Wife, I need new tights.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It seems, to fit the fashion, I must
0:23:02 > 0:23:05come all attired in purple puffling pants,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08yellow tights and really stupid cross-garters.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You must stitch them for me.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11And how am I to afford the material?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Why, from what remains of the shilling I did give thee last time.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- I've spent it. - Spent it? On what?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19On what(?)
0:23:19 > 0:23:20On what, mate(?)
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I've got a bloody cottage to run and a family to raise, that's what!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I'm having the roof thatched, the chimneys are being swept,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I've had the rat-catcher round to do the beds,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Hamnet's wooden tooth needs re-varnishing,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and I bought a ferret for Judith's hair, to eat the nits.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I paid off the witch-accuser so he won't accuse me and Susanna of being witches,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42even though I think she might actually be a witch!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Oh, God, Mum! Thou art so funny(!)
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I bought the twins lovely new outfits for the May Day stupid dance,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52a beautiful purple doublet and hose for Hamnet,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56and a lovely yellow dress for Judith!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Dad, you came back! You're going to watch our May Day dance!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01We love our new clothes,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and thanks for this wonderful colourful ribbon!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Hmm...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Um...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Look, kids, it's bad news.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12You...you're not going to watch us?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Actually, it's a bit worse than that.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, yes! Yah!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Kate, Bottom, I just thought I'd drop by to check out Will's tights
0:24:22 > 0:24:25before the prancings, you know, make sure he's hanging properly,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27showing good Bolingbroke contour.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- He's already gone, Mr Marlowe. - Yeah, he were too excited to wait.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Ooh, I bet he was. How did he look? Pretty cool?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Mmm...not exactly cool.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38He looked like a massive futtocking cod-dangle.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Robert Greene came round
0:24:42 > 0:24:45and told him to wear really silly pants, tights and cross-garters.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So, obviously, he realised it was a bluffle, to make him look a fool?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Yeah.- But then he decided it was a double-bluffle.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Hang on, hang on.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You're not saying that Will thought that Greene would guess
0:24:54 > 0:24:58that he would spot his bluff to bluff him into wearing stupid prancing trousers,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00so thought his actual plan was to twice-bluff him
0:25:00 > 0:25:02into not wearing stupid prancing trousers,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06so he decided to counterbluff by wearing stupid prancing trousers?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Exactly. It's that simple.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Yes, hello.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I'm here for My Lord Southampton's saucy prancings.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Yes. The artists' entrance at the back door, please. And hurry up,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25the other clowns have been here half an hour.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Will! Will! Will, thank God I've caught you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Greene's been playing you, mate. Trying to make you look a fool.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- No! - Well, well, well!
0:25:33 > 0:25:39Our upstart country bum-snot come a-prancing 'mongst the dainties?
0:25:39 > 0:25:44I know. I see now you are come as a jester to amuse the children.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47The apparel oft proclaims the man and you,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50sirrah, are proclaimed a fool.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I salute you, Greene.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You knew that I would guess
0:25:54 > 0:25:57that you would guess that I would guess about the stupid pants
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and so, with fiendish cunning, did you triple-gull me.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04No, I just told you to wear stupid pants, and you did.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06HE CHUCKLES EVILLY
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Happy prancing!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Well, that's that, then.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Thank heavens you got here in time to stop me, Kit.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19If I'd gone in there dressed like this,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I would have been laughed out of London.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24As it is, I must skulk away like a lowly oik
0:26:24 > 0:26:26and miss my chance amongst the folderols.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Skulk away? Skulk away?! Will, mate, have you learned nothing from what I told you?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33A gentleman doesn't skulk.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37He struts!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Kit, you'd go to the prancings dressed like that? For me?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Course I would. You're a mate.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Besides which, I quite fancy the skit.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47By the time cool kid Marlowe's danced a jig or two dressed like this,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49the whole of London will be wearing purple pants!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51How can I ever thank you?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- I'll leave it with you. - Right.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59And I hear Shakespeare made a huge success at the prancings after all.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Perhaps now he will deign at last to give us his new piece.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Actually, Burbage, Will has a bit of writer's block at the moment
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- and he sends his apologies. - Oh...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I, however, have been on something of a roll.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15A new play? By you?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19It's just a little thing I dashed off. I think you might like it.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21The Jew Of Malta...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24..by Christopher Marlowe.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Ah!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28HEN CLUCKS
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I'm glad you gave that play to Marlowe.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Kate was right.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37There's enough intolerance in the world without clever dicks like you
0:27:37 > 0:27:39using it to thrill the mob.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Perhaps you're right.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You're bigger than that, doll. You know you are.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Yes. I think perhaps I am.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52You should do another big Jew play sometime.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55But give the Jews some sympathetic traits.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57A nice Jew?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Bloody hell. Pretty radical, Anne.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Oh, I don't say he has to be nice, just human.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I don't know any Jews meself.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10No-one does.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14They were all thrown out of England by Edward I,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16and none has ever been allowed back in.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19But I imagine, if you prick 'em, they bleed.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22If you tickle 'em, they'll laugh, just like we do.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25These are bold thoughts, Wife,
0:28:25 > 0:28:29but there may be something in it. I'll let it gestate.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Gestate?!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Gestate?
0:28:33 > 0:28:37If you mean think about it, then why not just say it?
0:28:37 > 0:28:41I'm not doing a double act with you, Dad. Go to bed.