0:00:19 > 0:00:24Mm... This upstart crow is ever more advanced in the world,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28beautifying himself in the feathers of a gentleman.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30In vain have I sought to find
0:00:30 > 0:00:33some chink in the armour of his propriety,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35some lewd scandal or base crime
0:00:35 > 0:00:38with which to dispatch him to the dungeon -
0:00:38 > 0:00:40or the gallows.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43He claims to lead a blameless life -
0:00:43 > 0:00:45married, sober, solvent...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47dull.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50But all men have their secrets,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54and when I find Will Shakespeare's,
0:00:54 > 0:00:55I will crush him
0:00:55 > 0:01:01like a walnut betwixt the iron buttocks of a Titan.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Oh, yes.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Oh, bloody yes!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Nailed it!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"..and this by that I prove,
0:01:12 > 0:01:17"Love's fire heats water, water cools not love."
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Finished! By Jupiter's hairy armpits!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Bloody finished!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Finished what, Mr Shakespeare?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25My 154th sonnet.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26The cycle be complete.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Result! Oh, yeah!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Who the bard? Me the bard!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Iambic pentameter is my bitch!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I thought you were working on your wonderful star-crossed lovers play.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I am, Kate, but a sonnet be like the idle wind -
0:01:41 > 0:01:44when it bubbleth within, you have to let it out.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Besides, these verses be my ticket to immortality.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Through them will I live forever.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52How so, Mr Shakespeare?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I'm to have them published.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Imagine it!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57A play is but a puff of air,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00a player's stinking breath doth give it life,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03but no sooner is it spoke than 'tis lost
0:02:03 > 0:02:05amid the burps and fartle-barfles of the groundlings.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08But a published poem lives forever!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10People love 'em.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Particularly now these short and easily-digestible sonnets
0:02:13 > 0:02:16have made the epic verse cycle look SO last century.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Young people have such short attention spans these days.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And with publishing, kids have instant entertainment
0:02:22 > 0:02:24in the pockets of their puffling pants.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Oh, you see them hanging around together,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30hunched over a book of 14-line iambic pentameter,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34thumbing away, transfixed like zombies.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Not talking to each other.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Not interacting socially.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Lost to the world.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"Get off your book of sonnets!" cry parents up and down the land.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"You'll develop a hunch!"
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I do worry about how their brains will develop
0:02:47 > 0:02:51with so little variation of stimulus to challenge their imagination.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Who cares?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The point is, sonnets are what the kids are digging and ever shall.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Which is why I have, for a time, abandoned drama
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and switched to churning out poems.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03I thought I'd never get them finished.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I've been struggling over this last one all morning.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Couldn't get the final rhyme.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09So you gave up? Probably best.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I didn't give up at all.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I found my final rhyme, and it's genius.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"..and this by that I prove,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"Love's fire heats water, water cools not love."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Except "prove" doesn't actually rhyme with "love".
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Ah, yes, but it nearly does, which is...which is even better.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Hmm, not really.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yeah, it's not even close.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36For "prove" to rhyme with "love",
0:03:36 > 0:03:39you'd have to say "pruv", which would be just rubbish.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Or you could say "loove".
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"..and this by that I prove,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"Love's fire heats water, water cools not loove."
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I think it could work... at a stretch.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I don't want it to stretch!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57The proper rhyme is boring.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I honestly think people prefer their poems
0:03:59 > 0:04:01to actually rhyme, Mr Shakespeare.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Course they do. Like that brilliant one
0:04:04 > 0:04:06about the cock that couldn't cluck.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Have you written any poems lately, Bottom?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Can we expect to see a collection of 154 sonnets
0:04:13 > 0:04:15attributed to the divine Bottom in the foreseeable future?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17No.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18No? And why would that be?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Cos I can't write. - Exactly.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Let all stand in wonder
0:04:22 > 0:04:26at the world's first illiterate literary critic.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I thought you said all critics were illiterate.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Don't get clever with me, Bottom!
0:04:31 > 0:04:32I'm sorry. I thought I was thick.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Which one am I? Clever or thick? I'm confused.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Thick, because you can't see how good my rhyme is.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Cos it doesn't futtocking rhyme!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Which is the entire futtocking point.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Now shut thee that which eateth food but grows not fat,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46speaketh words but be not wise,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and burpeth loud but makes not gas.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Bloody hell, master, just say "mouth".
0:04:50 > 0:04:52People aren't impressed, you know.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Sorry, must try harder! My bad!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Come on, boys.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Let's not fall out over a rhyme that doesn't rhyme,
0:04:59 > 0:05:00even though it's a rhyme.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Have you really written 154 sonnets, Mr Shakespeare?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05That's amazing.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Well, I find it therapeutic.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09They help me deal with my moods.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Like being in love with a bloke. - I am not in love with a bloke.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- You've written him a lot of poems. - Not just him.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16My... My sonnets are inspired by twin muses.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The mysterious Fair Youth...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Who you fancy. - Whom I admire aesthetically.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25..and my other muse, the sultry Dark Lady.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Who you absolutely definitely fancy.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Yeah. I absolutely definitely do,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31ever since Kit Marlowe introduced us.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34But, Mr Shakespeare, you are a married man.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I know that, Kate, which is why I've used my secret passion
0:05:37 > 0:05:39to create a lengthy series of sonnets,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42which I will then publish and thus become immortal.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46So much more satisfying to consummate a passion poetically
0:05:46 > 0:05:48betwixt pure white sheets of paper
0:05:48 > 0:05:52rather than physically in the snowy linen sheets of love.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Hmm. At least that's what I keep trying to tell myself, anyway.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Me, too.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58But I must confess,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I have allowed myself one small romantic indulgence.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I have commissioned Burbage and his players
0:06:03 > 0:06:07to recite my sonnets to my twin muses prior to publication.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10The first 126 to my Lord Southampton.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Lord Southampton?!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Is he the Fair Youth?!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Good goss!
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Some might think it be him,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20but the identity will always remain ambiguous.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22And the other 28 I will send to Emelia Lanier.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Emelia Lanier?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Daughter of the celebrated Venetian court musician?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28She's the Dark Lady?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Again I have left the matter open,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33but between you and me it's definitely her.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36As if anyone will ever give a tosslington about it either way.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38And now I must journey to Stratford,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41where I keep the second copies, which I intend for publication.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Goodness, Mr Shakespeare.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You keep copies of these passionate poems in Stratford?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Aren't you worried that Mrs Shakespeare might read them?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49No chance of that.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51They be too well hid.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52She can't read.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Home am I...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Mother, Father, Wife, Daughter!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Bring ale and pies.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Summon the twins from their dame school.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Your ever-loving husband, father and son is home.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Er, yes, well, not a bad journey.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Thanks for asking(!)
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Only half a day late.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Coach crash at the Watford Turnpike.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It wasn't the crash that delayed us.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Amazingly, the local watch cleared that up with some efficiency.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32No, 'twas the fact that all who then passed must slow to a snail's pace
0:07:32 > 0:07:33to gawp at the wreck.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Why do people do that?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It occurred to me that there be good and bad in all of us,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and they be in constant conflict.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I've been toying with a soliloquy on the subject. What do you think?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50"To gawp, or not to gawp - that is the question.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51"Whether 'tis nobler to ogle
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"at a coachman squashed under a dead horse...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"..Or take arms against the urge to perv,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"And by opposing, feel a bit better about oneself."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05What do you think? Might be useful somewhere?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06I like the structure.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Hello!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I'm here!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Returned with news of ever more success in London.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18My poetry is much noted.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Oh, I know all about your poetry, Will Shakespeare.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25She found the sonnets, Dad. You're so crap, you really are.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28The sonnets?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30But surely she couldn't read them.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32She made me read them to her.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Why did I teach that girl to read?!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Hoist am I by my own socially-enlightened petard!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I never thought a son of mine could be so base.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44My own fault for marrying beneath me.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The only thing beneath you when you got married
0:08:46 > 0:08:48was the bloody floor, woman.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You didn't have a pot to piss in.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Who's this Dark Lady, Will?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Dark Lady? I-Is there a Dark Lady?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Oh, you know right well there's a Dark Lady, forsooth!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Nobody says "forsooth" any more, Mum. It's medieval.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Oh, the Dark Lady in the sonnets? - Yes, Will.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11The lady in the sonnets.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14The dark-eyed woman with the thick black hair
0:09:14 > 0:09:16you seem so fascinated with!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Well...perchance 'tis thee, Anne, for...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23you have dark eyes and raven hair.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26In a certain light.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Good poetry is never direct or literal.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31The imagery should be oblique.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Read me those bits we marked, Susanna.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37"Your love is as a fever...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Frantic mad with evermore unrest."
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Yuck, Dad! I mean, seriously, just yuck!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Is that about me, Will?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Are you frantic mad with restless love for me?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Is this really a proper conversation for the front parlour?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Mary, your husband's taking a dump in the front parlour!
0:09:57 > 0:09:58It's raining.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01An Englishman's home is his privy.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Are you having an affair, Will?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06No. No, I-I swear.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Honestly. Truly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11You do hurt me with these churlish suspicions
0:10:11 > 0:10:15and bring to mine eye that which though 'tis water be not drunk
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and though 'tis salted be not cod.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22What?!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Tears, girl. Tears!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Yeah, Dad, I know you mean tears. I'm just, like, aghast.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Look, they can't all be gold. It's work in progress.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Wife, please,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I am a true and faithful husband.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40No other tufted lady grotto than thine...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43..hath given good shelter
0:10:43 > 0:10:46to the stranger in the purple helm that doth...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49..that doth enter upstanding strong
0:10:49 > 0:10:52but departs a limp and shrunken weakling.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I am actually going to be sick.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I shall certainly have to have a lie-down.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I be married to thee.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02You're married to me,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05but you're writing poems about some stinksome whore-slap!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07And the Fair Youth.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Don't forget the Fair Youth.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Yeah, Dad, that is pretty weird.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And dangerous. There's laws, son.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The Fair Youth is just a pal.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Look...
0:11:19 > 0:11:24I admit that while in London seen and admired have I
0:11:24 > 0:11:27many dainties of beauty and experience
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and perhaps did idly pen
0:11:29 > 0:11:33some obscure and somewhat impenetrable verse about them.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36But I be faithful to thee.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Well...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40..maybe you are and maybe you aren't.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42But I shan't share my bed
0:11:42 > 0:11:44with someone who is thinking about Fair Youths
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and Dark Ladies.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48So until you sort yourself out,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51you can either sleep in the cowshed with Mrs Moo-Moo
0:11:51 > 0:11:54or you can sod off back to London.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Because I don't like you very much at the moment, Will Shakespeare.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I don't like you very much at all.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05DOOR SLAMS
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Do you want to get in here?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, no...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16you're already up to your neck in it.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:27- Oh, I do think that's pretty. - Yes.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Such a lovely image of one's love like a beauteous August morn.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yes. Fresh, sparkling, sun-drenched.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Hm, yeah, unless it's raining.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"Shall I say you're a bit wet and soggy?" Hmm!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Romantic? Don't think so.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41HE LAUGHS
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Do stop doing that, Kempe.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45What? Stop what?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Being brilliant?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Can't. "Why?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Cos I am brilliant. - HE LAUGHS
0:12:50 > 0:12:54That... That...laugh. You keep doing it all the time. Now, stop it!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yes, it doth rattle me to my very teeth.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, right, yeah, the laugh.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59See, the thing is...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I see comedy everywhere, yeah?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I get stuff you couldn't even begin to get, so...
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I understand comedy very well, thank you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Hm-hmm! Quite well, Burbage, quite.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13But if you're a genius, like me, there's another level, so...
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Another level, Kempe?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Yeah. I see deep comedy, yeah?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Beneath the, "Ooh, it's a bit funny," and beyond...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23to the secret, very funny comedy only I get.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25That's why I do my massively annoying laugh, yeah?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27To let you in on it. It's a bit of a favour, really.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29HE LAUGHS
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Now, before I go to Lady Emelia's, I wanted your help, Kate.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39I'm in urgent need of your unique insight into the feminine mind.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm looking for the understanding that only one woman
0:13:41 > 0:13:43can bring to the feelings of another.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh...
0:13:45 > 0:13:46my...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47God!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Thank you!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Thank you. Thank you!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Thank you.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Pardon?
0:13:54 > 0:13:59You're finally going to let me be your Juliet!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Don't be ridiculous, girl. Whatever gave you that idea?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07When you begged use of my unique feminine understanding, I...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10..naturally presumed...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Naturally presumed? God's bodikins, girl!
0:14:13 > 0:14:14What nonsense!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I know we've discussed the idea, but the more I think about it,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19the more I see that what is required
0:14:19 > 0:14:21to convincingly portray a woman on stage
0:14:21 > 0:14:24is not feminine understanding or girlish insight,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28it's a squeaky voice, pouty lips and a couple of half-coconuts.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I just really...
0:14:30 > 0:14:35really feel that an actual girl would be more convincing.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Plus, it's my dream.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Kate, be realistic.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42The law states that a woman may not attend university,
0:14:42 > 0:14:43take a profession,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45hold public office or own property.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Men are better than women, by law.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Exactly.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It therefore follows that they must even be better at being women.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Well, that's just obvious.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Now, please, forget these silly notions of becoming an actor
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and attend to me. I need advice.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Advice?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Be there no men left in Christendom to confide in?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Surely even the most ignorant would be a better oracle than I,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11who, though I read Virgil and Cicero - in Latin -
0:15:11 > 0:15:14have no cod-dangle, which clearly be the font of all wisdom!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Kate...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Do yourself a favour. Wind in Mrs Smartarse.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Blokes can't stand clever birds.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Can we focus?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26My wife Anne is very angry with me
0:15:26 > 0:15:31because I've written 154 love poems to people who are not her.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35God. Women! I mean, they're so bloody sensitive.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I know. I know.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39The point is, Kate, how can I put it right?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Well...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46I suppose the first question is, do you still love Anne?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Yes, definitely.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I-I honestly do.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Ignorant, illiterate milkmaid though she be.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It's just that...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56after 13 years, I'd...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I'd really like to lie with someone else.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Well, duh! Huh!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02I'm not going to.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I'd... I'd just like to.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A lot.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08A really, really lot.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Poetry helps me deal with these unworthy urges.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I grab my trusty nib, my wrist starts to fly and...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20..within a few strokes, relief pours out of me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well...
0:16:22 > 0:16:23I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26but if ever things are to be right 'twixt you and Anne again,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29you're going to have to stop loving whoever it is
0:16:29 > 0:16:31you're writing these... naughty poems to.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33If only it were so simple -
0:16:33 > 0:16:37but the Fair Youth and the Dark Lady are my twin muses.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39'Tis they who empower my verse.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Besides, once the two of them read my sublime and bewitching sonnets,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I...very much doubt that they'll be able to stop loving me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"..and this by that I prove
0:16:52 > 0:16:58"Love's fire heats water. Water cools not lo-oove."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00KEMPE LAUGHS
0:17:00 > 0:17:01It doesn't rhyme.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03The sonnets, my lady.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08See how fervently she reads.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13How grateful will she be to be the subject of such divine verse.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- ITALIAN ACCENT:- Just reading the one
0:17:18 > 0:17:20about my eyes being nothing like the sun.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Ah, yes, a brilliant opening image, don't you think?
0:17:22 > 0:17:27The sun being bright, shining, radiant
0:17:27 > 0:17:29and, above all, hot.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Yes, absolutely. - But you are saying my eyes are not?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Bit of an own goal there, mate.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, not as bright, shining, radiant or hot, obviously.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40We're talking about the sun, Emelia.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48"If snow be white, why, then, her breasts are dun."
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Dun...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55is an English word for grey-brown, no?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58As when you say...dun cow.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Ouch. 2-0.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Well, yes, but the image is only partially bovine.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I'm... I'm not suggesting you have but one bosom with four nipples.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Will, you're really digging a hole for yourself here, mate.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17"The breath of my mistress reeks..."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Were you happy with this as well, Mr Shakespeare?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I don't know. Should it have been "stinks"?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29So this is supposed to be flattering? Just so I understand.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I get it. Perhaps I should have explained.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34This love sonnet is particularly brilliant
0:18:34 > 0:18:39because besides being a love sonnet it also satirises love sonnets.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You see? You're... You're getting double-bubble.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Ah! This is satirical?
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Yes. Conventionally, love sonnets are ridiculously flattering.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54They make absurdly overblown claims for the beauty of their subjects.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Exactly.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The love I show you
0:18:59 > 0:19:03in my startlingly innovative 130th sonnet is greater,
0:19:03 > 0:19:04because it recognises your flaws.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Next time bring me sweets.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Actually, I wrote a poem for you as well.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Ahem!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Emelia, Emelia.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17By God, I'd like to feel ya!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21SHE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS
0:19:21 > 0:19:22At last!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24A poem with a proper rhyme!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Good day, Mr Shakespeare.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Perhaps you'll have better luck with your boyfriend.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33SHE LAUGHS
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Lord Southampton is a pal.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41"A woman's face with Nature's own hand Painted hast thou..."
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Hang on, stop there.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So you're saying I look like a girl?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yes. I-I don't mean it literally.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Oh, don't you?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"..For a woman wert thou first created."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Now, that means...
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I'm so pretty that when God made me he actually intended to make a girl.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Yes, but as I quickly add...
0:20:02 > 0:20:06"Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
0:20:06 > 0:20:07"By adding one thing."
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Which would be a cod-dangle?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Well, I don't actually say it, but...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So I'm a Venus with a penis?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17A strumpet with a trumpet?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19A Miranda with a stander?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23A Judy with a protrudy?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Put very simply...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"And by addition me of thee defeated."
0:20:30 > 0:20:34So, to be clear, you think I'm pretty,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36but because I'm a man
0:20:36 > 0:20:39you can't have sex with me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- But...- Get thee hence to your milkmaid wife
0:20:41 > 0:20:44who is clearly but a beard to your bechambered whoopsidom
0:20:44 > 0:20:49and returneth not till ye be ready to celebrate God's rich rainbow!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52KEMPE LAUGHS
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Not laughing at the word "whoopsidom".
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Laughing beyond the word "whoopsidom".
0:20:58 > 0:21:00So, actually, that's not offensive.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Actually, I find it deeply whoopsiphobic.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Blimey.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You try and write a nice series of classic love poems
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and what do you get?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The Dark Lady objects to the tiniest allusion to halitosis
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and the Fair Youth seems to have a problem with being told
0:21:20 > 0:21:22he looks like a girl.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I don't know why I bother!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Twin muses not happy?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29No, Kate, they weren't - which is really weird,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33because all 154 of them are works of genius.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36And what's more, once they're published, the world will know.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Bottom! I want Bottom!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Yes, I think that is clear from the first 126 sonnets.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Bottom, did you deliver my sonnets to Her Majesty's Master of Print
0:21:47 > 0:21:49that they may be licensed for publication?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yeah, I gave them straight over to Robert Greene this morning.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Greene? Robert Greene?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Yeah. Looks like he's oiled himself into another top job.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57He's the new print master.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Greene has my sonnets?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00This is terrible!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He'll probably deny me a licence out of spite.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08No, I think you'll find it's a little more serious than that,
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Mr Shakespeare.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Guards!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Arrest this man for incitement to hugger-tuggery.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Let go! What are you...? No!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25HE YELLS
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Mr Greene...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I am the Lord Inquisitor.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Why lies this man upon the rack?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Sodomy, my lord. Sodomy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40This inquisition will establish that Mr Shakespeare's vile pornography
0:22:40 > 0:22:46is nothing more than an incitement to foul hugger-tuggery.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47They're just poems!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Sodomy is a crime for which circumstantial evidence
0:22:50 > 0:22:52is always allowable,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54there being rarely witnesses save the perpetrators -
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and one of them is looking the wrong way.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59HE YELLS
0:22:59 > 0:23:00My lord...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I wish to speak in Mr Shakespeare's defence,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07assisted by my clerk, Ned Bottom.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Don't you worry, Will. Bottom and I have been working on a plan.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh, God!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Proceed. - Well...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I...pluck a text at random.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25"Wilt thou, whose will is large and spacious..."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28My lord will of course understand in this context
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"will" clearly denotes carnal desire.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The man's very business is literary criticism.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35He's absolutely right.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36The couplet continues...
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"..Vouchsafe to hide my will in thine,"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42the second "will" being quite obviously a deliberate pun
0:23:42 > 0:23:44on the word "willy"...
0:23:45 > 0:23:50..an, er, uncouth slang for the male sexual organ.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Damn, he's good!
0:23:51 > 0:23:56I will quote the prisoner's Sonnet 126,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59which addresses this Fair Youth.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00CLEARS THROAT
0:24:00 > 0:24:04"Th'expense of spirit in a waste of shame."
0:24:04 > 0:24:10Clearly, in this context "spirit" is an allusion to seminal fluid.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13He's right. That is how the line is destined to be interpreted.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Thus we have an ejaculation in a "waste of shame",
0:24:18 > 0:24:20which can only mean a man,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24for there is no more shameful place in which to expend one's spirit.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Apart from perhaps a donkey.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Stretch the damned hugger-tugger till he confesses!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33A moment, if you please.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Don't you worry, Will. I've got this.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37GRINDING, HE YELLS
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Sorry, sorry.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43My Lord Inquisitor.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Yes. - You have the evidence before you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47154 sonnets.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51But may I enquire if you've actually read them?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I'm not going to lie.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Skimmed a bit.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59And do you think that many people are ever going to read them?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Not really, no.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Of those who do actually read them,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05how many of those do you think, honestly,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08will actually have the faintest idea what it's about?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, not very many of them, if I'm honest.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- Just a minute! - Of those who do have a vague idea
0:25:14 > 0:25:15as to what they're about,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18how many of those will only have arrived at such an understanding
0:25:18 > 0:25:22via forced study from joyless schoolmasters?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Well, most of them, I imagine.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Can't really see them being read for pleasure.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Not really a privy book, is it?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Are you mad? They're brilliant!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34The defence contends
0:25:34 > 0:25:37that far from being an incitement to sexual depravity,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41these sonnets are in fact an incitement to a nice long nap.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Well, yes, I did nod off once or twice.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I rest my case.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Release Mr Shakespeare!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- I object! - I bloody object, too!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Well...thanks to you and Kit Marlowe, Bottom, I'm acquitted.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04But only on grounds that my poetry be too wilfully obscure
0:26:04 > 0:26:07for anyone to bother actually reading.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I'll no more of sonnets.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I think you should write one more sonnet, Mr Shakespeare.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Another one, Kate? Why?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Who for? None likes them.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21For Anne, your wife.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I've been thinking about what you asked me -
0:26:23 > 0:26:25how to win back her favour.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27And it seems to me that if 'twere poems to other women
0:26:27 > 0:26:28which did upset her,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32then to set it right, you must needs pen one to her.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Of course.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Of course!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36What a subject!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40A love poem to an illiterate farm wench whom I only married
0:26:40 > 0:26:42cos I'd got her up the duffington.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Such a challenge!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Hmm, yes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48The muse be upon me.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"My darling, you are my entire world."
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Good. Nice start.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55"Though you be old...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"and rather plumpish, sadly..."
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Er...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04"A common, saggy, ignorant old girl..."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Er...
0:27:06 > 0:27:10"..and yet for all that I do love you madly."
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Um... - What do you think?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Pretty good so far, eh?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16It is good, but as a woman,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20if I might suggest just one or two tiny cuts.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23It isn't even finished. That's four lines. I need ten more.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Honestly, we've got enough.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29"My darling, you are my entire world.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33"I do love you madly."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Is that it?
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Yes, that's it.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Oh, Will, it's lovely.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Lovely? It doesn't scan and it's missing 12-and-a-half lines.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I don't care. All I ever wanted was me own sonnet.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54My own sonnet by Will Shakespeare.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Hm... Yes...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Although it's not actually a sonnet.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I don't care.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04It says "I love you", which is all a love poem should do.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Hm. A lot of people think that, which, personally, I find weird.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Anyway, I'm done with sonnets.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13They've brought me nothing but misery and rejection.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15These 154 will warm our toes a little,
0:28:15 > 0:28:16and that's all they're good for.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Ooh, stay thy hand, Husband.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22There's a couple in here might be worth a few groats.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24There's one about a summer's day
0:28:24 > 0:28:28that I think could be popular on its first two lines alone.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31And there's another one about a marriage of two minds
0:28:31 > 0:28:34that I think might be a big hit at weddings.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35You think so?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Come on, read me mine again.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Oh, God, if I must.