0:00:19 > 0:00:22Once, just once, I'd like to take a coach service
0:00:22 > 0:00:24that fulfils its obligations to the travelling public
0:00:24 > 0:00:27according to the promised schedule.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28I don't like this heath.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- OWL HOOTS - It's spooky.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Well, if they can't manage that, at least be honest about it.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Time of departure - when we can be arsed.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Time of arrival - some point in the latter part of the 16th century.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Well, in fairness, Will, the coach did throw a wheel.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Because the lane was rutted and the axle weak, Kit.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And why is that?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Because the exorbitant fares we pay
0:00:49 > 0:00:51go to line the puffling pants of bloated shareholders,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54and none be spent on upgrading the rolling stock,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57mending the tracks or ensuring there be an adequate supply of
0:00:57 > 0:01:00soft leaves and damp moss in the coach house privy.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04How far is it, do you think, Mr Shakespeare?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I really don't like this heath.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, about a dozen furlongs, Kate.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Mainly bog with patches of swamp.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Well, it's better than being in London.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You do not want to be in Southwark with the Black Death in town.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Such a shame they had to close the theatres.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Hmm, a grim business.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20We were giving my Richard the night it struck.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Awful moment, I thought half the audience had nodded off.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Big relief to discover they were dead.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Course, some of them had died in their sleep.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32A few, Bottom. Ten, at most.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Well, we'll make a merry crew in Warwickshire,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35and no mistake - you at Stratford,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38and me staying at Sir Thomas Livesey's manor house nearby.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Particularly with Burbage and his company forced out of London on tour
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- and booked to perform. - Ah, well, I may skip that.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The Livesey children have a French teacher who teases most cheekily
0:01:47 > 0:01:48whenever I come to visit.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Always whispering l'amour and then running away.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Well, this time I hope to catch her.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57FRENCH ACCENT: Prenons un petit seau, avec un chou le-dedans, hein?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Which is French. It means "chase my little cupcake into the larder".
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Actually, Mr Marlowe, it means,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- "Grab a small bucket with a cabbage in it."- Really?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Gosh, Kit, you're such a cool chap. - Yes, I am.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14It was kind of you to invite me along as well, Mr Shakespeare.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I can't wait to meet your daughter Susanna.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I hope we shall be best of friends.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Hmm. I... I'm not sure I'd call her friendly.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, Mr Shakespeare, I'm sure she's perfect, and I shall love her.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29When I was young, I didn't have a lot of friends...or any, in fact.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30That's dead sad, that.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32No, no, Bottom. It was my own fault.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I was a bit of a swotty try-hard.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Always trying to chat to girls in Latin at slumber parties,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40or discuss the oppression of the female sex.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42John Knox's book,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45A First Blast On The Trumpet Against The Monstrous Regiment Of Women,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48had just come out, and I was so angry about it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50EERIE SCREECH
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, this heath is really, really spooky.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, for goodness' sake, Bottom. Desist!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's the 1590s, not the Dark Ages!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- A glorious age of reason and logic. - You still believe in wood nymphs.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm torn. I think the jury's out.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06HE GRUNTS
0:03:06 > 0:03:09After all, if dew be not the tears of scolded fairies,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- then how do you explain it? - Well, exactly!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13There'd be no rain in the night, yet, come morn, the ground be soft.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I mean, how does that work?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- HE GRUNTS - I did try to make friends.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21One time, I organised a pink-themed girlie party
0:03:21 > 0:03:24with strawberry pudding and raspberry lemonade, but nobody came.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Perhaps it was a mistake to write the invitations in Greek.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You think(?)
0:03:29 > 0:03:33But this time, with Susanna, I am determined to make a proper...pal.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37WITCHES: Double, double Toil and trouble
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44All hail Will Shakespeare.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Owner of your house in Henley Street.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Owner of a fine, new suckling pig.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57And owner of New Place hereafter.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00ALL CACKLE
0:04:00 > 0:04:02WITCHES: Owner of New Place hereafter!
0:04:02 > 0:04:03WITCHES CACKLE
0:04:03 > 0:04:06THUNDER CRASHES
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Well, that was a bit weird. - Ever so.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Such strange prophecy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I am the owner of the house on Henley Street,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16but I have no new pig
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and I'm certainly not the owner of New Place.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- New Place?- The second-largest house in Stratford.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Own water, extensive family area, with room for second cow.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Anne and I would kill for that house.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31SQUEALING AND GURGLING
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36What be that ghostly shriek?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- BOTTOM:- Just a bit of road kill, Master.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40'Tis a fine suckling pig. Still living...
0:04:40 > 0:04:41PIG SQUEALS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43DULL THUD
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Now dead.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Good fortune indeed.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Mrs Shakespeare'll be thrilled to have a nice pig for supper.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Well, that's a bit blooming spooky, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- What?- The witches' prophecy.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56They knew you were owner of the house on Henley Street.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Which you are.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- They said you'd own a pig. - Which you now do!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03And then they said you'd be owner of New Place hereafter -
0:05:03 > 0:05:07ha-ha, ha-ha - which you just said you'd kill for.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Kate's right. That's spooky.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Spooky.- Spooky.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Not spooky at all.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And yet do I feel my spirits quicken within me.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I would love to own New Place.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Property is going crazy in Stratford right now.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24THUNDER CRASHES
0:05:24 > 0:05:26HEN CLUCKS
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, God, I'd love that house.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's a common little hovel.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33When I was a girl, I lived in a manor house...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- POSH ACCENT:- ...but then I was an Arden and of noble birth.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Oh, shut up about your noble birth, woman!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43What music do you like? I'm totally into madrigals.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45They're crap!
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Yeah. No, totally, so lame.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Hate them.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Shall we make a den and talk about female emancipation?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Who are you?!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Shall we have a midnight feast? - SHE GROANS
0:05:56 > 0:05:59This New Place looks like a pretty good buy, Will.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Put us Shakespeares back on the town map.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04After you comprehensively rubbed us off it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Oh, shut up, woman.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It was only a bit of fiddling.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You used to find it quite titillating till I got nabbed.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Anyway, Will, what if those witches' prophecy came true?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Actually, I don't think witches are witches at all,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23just women who don't fit in.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Learned, creative, reluctant to accept the repressive social
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and economic restraints forced upon their sex.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Uh...what?!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Men find that threatening and so they burn them as witches.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Totally obvious to me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Uh, Kate, the three learned
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and creative women we encountered on the heath
0:06:40 > 0:06:42had huge hooked noses,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45numerous enormous warts,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49cackled incessantly and wore pointy hats.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Exactly what part of not being a witch are you getting at here?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Anyway, can we please stop talking about New Place?
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Duncan MacBuff owns it,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and I'm afraid I could never do business with him.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Don't be soft, lad. Why not?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Because he is Scottish and I am English,
0:07:02 > 0:07:06so no matter how much I pay or how generous the terms,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08he will still claim to have been given a raw deal
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and then bang on about it for ever.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14DOOR OPENS
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Ah, Mrs Shakespeare! - Speak of the Devil.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'll trouble you for a jug of milk
0:07:20 > 0:07:24unless, being English, you prefer to deny sustenance to a Scotsman.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28God, MacBuff! Again with the victim thing! Let it go!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30What have you got to feel victimised about?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33King Edward I invading.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35His soldiers murdering William Wallace.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It happened in 1296!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Wallace was topped in 1305!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42When will you let it drop?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44God's boobikins! At this rate,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47you'll still be banging on about William bloody Wallace
0:07:47 > 0:07:48in the next millennium.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Longshanks did plenty cruel
0:07:50 > 0:07:52and bloody slaughter to innocent Scots.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Well, it was your own fault.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I'm sorry, but painting yourself blue is just not a battle plan.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It made us look scary.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03It did not make you look scary. It made you look silly.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05We pulverised you at Bannockburn.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Absolutely, because I am 300 years old and was there(!)
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You dishonour a great and noble heritage, sir,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14but I expect nothing else from an Englishman.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15The milk, if you please!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You're very welcome to go next door to Moll Sluttage, if you wish.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21She is English, too, and so, like you,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23sees it as her birth right to...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26to cheat and abuse us Scots, who are, as the world knows,
0:08:26 > 0:08:31a decent, industrious, fair-minded and egalitarian people...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34in permanent occupation of the moral high ground.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Thank God we're a separate nation!
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Yes, well, I think we can all agree with you on that one, Mr MacBuff,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and long may it remain so.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Here's your milk, Mr MacBuff.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I shall be back early morning before church for a second jug,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51unless, being English,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54you've murdered me in my bed for being Scottish.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59That Duncan MacBuff, he's so bloody self-righteous.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It drives me potty.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04It'd serve him right if I did put water in his milk.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Or worse.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Hmm. Worse?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Oh, it'd be so easy, too.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12There's a bucket of white lead paint
0:09:12 > 0:09:15all ready to do the plaster on the half-timbering.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Do you see what I'm getting at?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Anne, I've told you, I'll get round to it!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Just put it on my "dad job" list.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Some blokes would just take the witches' hint
0:09:24 > 0:09:25and kill the Caledonian bastible!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Yes. Well, fortunately, I'm not some blokes, am I?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I'm your husband, whom you do oft call Snugglington or Tiny Knob.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37And those be no names for a wild and dangerous killer.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Yeah, I know. Nice to think about, though. Lovely dream.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Night.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56THUNDER CRASHES
0:09:58 > 0:10:01HE GASPS
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Is this a milk jug which I see before me...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10..the handle toward my hand?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Come, let me clutch thee.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I have thee not, and yet I see thee still!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27CREAKING
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I see thee yet, in form as palpable
0:10:36 > 0:10:39as this which now I draw.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Thou marshals me the way that I was going,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46and such an instrument I was to use.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I see thee still.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55And on thy spout and handle gouts of white paint containing lead,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57ready to do the outside plaster,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01which is on my "dad jobs" list that I keep meaning to get round to.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05BELL CLANGS
0:11:06 > 0:11:08The bell invites me.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Hear it not, Duncan,
0:11:10 > 0:11:17for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven or to hell.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19THUNDER CRASHES
0:11:19 > 0:11:20HE GASPS
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Wife, a terrible, terrible dream I had.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26GENTLE BIRDSONG
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Ah, me! My hands be all gooey and covered in pale slop.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes, well, you've had plenty of those dreams, Will.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36There's no need to wake me up about it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38No, I did walk in my sleep.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I must put a stop to this before 'tis too late.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Where's the jug?- What jug?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47The jug of paint...milk!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh, the jug for Mr MacBuff?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Yeah, he came round really early on his way to church,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- saw my candle lit and came for his milk.- Oh, no, Bottom.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57You shouldn't have given it to him.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What? Because he's Scottish?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02That's just prejudiced.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04No, because I poisoned it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Well, that's really prejudiced!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Could we get off the geo-political aspect of this for a minute?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15The crucial point is to stop me from being hung for murder.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23He's drunk the paint.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25What am going to do?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I wouldn't worry.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I reckon your plaster's good for at least another year.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- I don't know what Mrs S is on about. - I'm not talking about my dad job!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I'm talking about MacBuff! He's dead!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Maybe he's asleep.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Asleep? Shakespeare doth murder sleep.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I've killed him and I'll be found out.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Milk will have blood!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47God, you're so dramatic, Master.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yes, funny, that.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Except, hang on, it's what I do!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56It's got to be perfect, love.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I've never been to a dinner party before.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01If you need any alterations, I can do them.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02I love girlie dress-up stuff.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Well, OK, thanks. Got this.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Anne, I must speak with thee. Susanna, Kate, would you mind?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Well, can I stay and she go?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Please, Sue, I need a moment.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Come on, I'd love to meet some of your mates.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- That is not going to happen!- Please!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I can't believe I'm going to dinner at Sir Thomas Livesey's.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Me, a farmer's daughter,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28supping with the cock-snobbled folderols!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Anne, I've killed him.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31What?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33MacBuff. I've killed him.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Don't jape.- I'm not japing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Trust me. You'd know if he was japing,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39because you wouldn't get it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I-I've murdered MacBuff!
0:13:44 > 0:13:45In the night!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I filled the milk jug with lead paint.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'Twas a vision that led me. I thought it was a dream,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52but it wasn't a dream. I really did it!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53That's terrible, Will.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I know. I know!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Still, it does mean you can buy his house.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Actually, that's true. We can buy his house.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Anne, I don't think you heard me right.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I've murdered MacBuff!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Which is terrible, Will, terrible.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Wife, how canst thou take this so lightly?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Oh, I'm not taking it lightly. I'm just trying to see the upside.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20We live in tough times. Life's cheap.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I mean, the average bloke's dead by the time he's 25.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I suppose, put like that, MacBuff should consider himself lucky.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Yeah, course he should. Selfish bastible.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I mean, how long did he want to live for, anyway?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33There's no reason why we should be suspected -
0:14:33 > 0:14:36not unless we bring it on ourselves.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Tonight, we dine at Sir Thomas Livesey's
0:14:39 > 0:14:42and we must both appear innocent and carefree.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Smiling and laughing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yes, you're right. Innocent and carefree.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Of course, Burbage and his company are booked for the entertainment,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54so smiling and laughing might be harder.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I think we should aim for forced grins.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm telling you, it's time to take some risks.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Push the boundaries. Mash it up, yeah?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But, Kempe, we have given Gammer Gurton's Needle
0:15:11 > 0:15:14at every private engagement for over 30 years.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh, hello! What are you not getting?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Gammer Gurton's Needle is old.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- It is therefore, by definition, crap.- Oh, it's very harsh.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The world's moved on, mate.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25A little thing called the Renaissance. Heard of it(?)
0:15:25 > 0:15:28We've got to challenge the form, do some proper clowning.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32For God's sake, Kempe. All right, just talk us through it again.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Commedia dell'arte, mate. Cutting edge. We'll do a lazzi.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- A lazzi?- Oh, yes, sorry. Forgot. You're English.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You don't know about new comedy.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42It's a pre-agreed scenario around which we'll improvise.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Impro-what?- Improv, mate. Yeah?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Going with the flow, yeah? Picking up the ball.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Free forming. Finding the comedy - ooh! - in the moment.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54But I don't need to find my comedy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I know exactly where it is.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I simply take my inflated pig's bladder.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I drop it on the floor. I stoop to pick it up.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Mr Condell kicks me up the bum-shank.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I go, "Ooh!" He says...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"Oh, Master, now thy arse be as red as thy face!"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And the whole room explodes in merriment!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Yeah. Sorry, mate, but people don't want jokes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16They want attitude.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19We'll do a famous lazzi - the fly. It's brilliant.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HE CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I'm only going to do it if you stop laughing that laugh.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Can't, mate. Sometimes it's the only way I have of expressing
0:16:28 > 0:16:33the breadth and depth of my comic instincts, so live with it, yeah?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Well, now, Mrs Shakespeare,
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Lady Livesey and I are most happy to welcome you to our mansion.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Oh, yes, it is splendid to be dining with the gentry, Sir Thomas,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50now that my Will is advancing in the world.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Kit Marlowe, whom you know, of course, will be joining us.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56He's just finishing a French lesson with our governess.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- WOMAN:- Ooh! Ooh-la-la!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02And we have another guest come in refuge from the plague -
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Robert Greene.- Greene? Here?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08He gave you a poor review, did he not?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Yes, he did. He called me "upstart" in his Groatsworth of Wit.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17I am honoured indeed that a great poet like yourself
0:17:17 > 0:17:19remembers my poor slander.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22After all, I only studied classics at Cambridge University,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27whilst you, great Hermes, did reading and adding up
0:17:27 > 0:17:29at Stratford Bumbling School.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I care not for your slanders, Greene,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35although methinks a better title than a Groatsworth of Wit
0:17:35 > 0:17:38would be to take "wit", subtract two Greenes
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and add a call for silence.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I do not follow you, sirrah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Why, you, sir, are Robert Greene.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47So two Greenes is double you.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Take W from "wit" and you have but "it".
0:17:50 > 0:17:54A call for silence is a very "sh", and add a "sh" to "it"
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and you have a groatsworth of what you write!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Brilliant, Husband!
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Nobody would guess you'd murdered a neighbour this morning.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Oh, yes, my Will is much raised up in the world.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Soon, we are to buy ourselves a bigger house here in Stratford.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Ah.- New Place, which we have coveted for years.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Perhaps you know it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19New Place? Why, that belongs to Duncan MacBuff.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24- A fine house for a fine man. - Mm. Also dead.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Dead?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28But I saw him but last week.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32He was fit and well and, being Scottish, also honest,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34wise, good-humoured,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36even-tempered
0:18:36 > 0:18:40and possessed of a sparkling, dry wit.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I think it's the accent that I find most attractive.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48If ever I were to seek counsel from an independent financial advisor...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53...I would want to hear it in a Scottish accent.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Poor MacBuff.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58We'll miss him.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It had nothing to do with me. I didn't kill him.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06So, this MacBuff dies all of a sudden
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and the upstart crow is all a-tremble
0:19:09 > 0:19:10at the mention of his name.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16What is more, the shrewish Mrs Crow would take the dead man's house.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19'Tis strange. 'Tis passing strange.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I hope young Marlowe hurries himself.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26We are to have rice pudding and curds,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and it gets a skin if left to stand.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30BOTH GIGGLE
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Oh, monsieur!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34BOTH GASP
0:19:34 > 0:19:35SPLAT
0:19:38 > 0:19:40CRASHING CHORD
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Which of you has done this?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Never shake thy milky chops at me!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50What ails you, sirrah?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Stay back, vengeful spirit!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55He sees some vision!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57His eye is fixed with terror.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Some say 'tis conscience
0:20:03 > 0:20:07that maketh men see vengeful vision.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No, no. 'Tis just a little fit.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12He has a very active imagination.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13It's his thing.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16For Lordy's sake!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It is just a painting of fear.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Like the air-drawn milk jug you saw in your wet dream.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Look, Wife! Look!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28God save us all! Sorry I'm late. Slight accident.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31The chef says the curd pud will be another half an hour.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You all right, Will? You look like you've seen a ghost.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Boogedy-boogedy! - HE CHUCKLES
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Methinks I see a chance to rid myself of this unctuous oik.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Well, if pudding be delayed, then let us have our show.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Bring on the player!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hi. Yeah, right. Hello. Hi.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Erm, we're going to do something a bit different, yeah?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57It's called a lazzi.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- It's commedia dell'arte. - HE GRUNTS
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It's cutting-edge comedy from Italy, where I have performed...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- SILLY VOICE: - ..and won several awards.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- NORMAL VOICE:- Just saying, so...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Right, Punchinello, servant to Pantalone.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13See, my master comes.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Well, now, Servant, I wonder if we shall have any visitors today.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23KNOCK ON DOOR Oh!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Go and see who that is.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Ah.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Anybody there?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Not a fly, sir. Not a fly.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Loving it? Yeah?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37It's Italian, see? Proper comedy.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38KNOCK ON DOOR
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Ah! Go and see who that is.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41SOFTLY: Second.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Anyone there?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Again, sir, not a fly. Not a fly.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Yeah? Yeah? Keeping up so far? Yeah?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Not too challenging or ground-breaking, is it?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54So, yeah, right.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57KNOCK ON DOOR Ah, this time I shall go myself
0:21:57 > 0:21:58to...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Right, right, this is the funny bit. Yeah?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04This is where it gets really good, right?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05And if you don't love it, well...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- HE GRUNTS - ..your problem, so...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10GRUNTING AND CLATTERING
0:22:14 > 0:22:15HE GROANS
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Ohh...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I have been robbed and beaten.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22There are hooligans there, you fool!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yeah, but there wasn't a fly, was there?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Brilliant, yeah? Oh, God...
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Just a bit there.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We're dying on our arsingtons.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Condell, quickly!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38What's this here?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oops! Me old pig's bladder!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Oh! I've dropped it on the floor!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'd better stoop to pick it up. DULL THUD
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Ooh!- Oh, Master, now thy arse be as red as thy face!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:53BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:58This is wrong. This is so wrong.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06GENTLE CREAKING
0:23:09 > 0:23:14And so Anne's conscience doth betray her, as mine did me.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You do wander in your sleep, Anne,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21ever trying to wash away our crime...
0:23:22 > 0:23:26..but all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten that little hand.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Oh, don't be so soft. I went out for a wee.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Don't you wash your hands after visiting the privy?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I can't go on like this!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36LIVELY MUSIC
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Bottom! Bottom, get up!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42My mind is much troubled.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I would seek advice and counsel from the weird sisters.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48You want me to leave this nice warm cow
0:23:48 > 0:23:52to come wi' you looking for witches on a blasted heath?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- No, don't be silly, of course not. - Oh, good.- I'm not going.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00BIRD SQUAWKS
0:24:00 > 0:24:04ALL: Double, double toil and trouble
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Uh...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Hello.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Uh...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Ladies.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Sorry to bother you while you're...cooking.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19But my master's all of a doo-dah.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22He thinks Robert Greene suspects him of murdering MacBuff.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Tell Will Shakespeare to fear not.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33No man born of woman shall accuse him of this crime.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36ALL CACKLE
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Oh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Well, that sounds all right.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41What's in t'pot?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Eye of newt and toe of frog...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Wool of bat...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48And tongue of dog.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Can I have a bit?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55So, they said that no man born of woman could e'er accuse you.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57But this is brilliant news!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Greene, like all men, was born of woman.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- We're off the hook.- Absolutely.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04We have it on the authority of three homeless derelicts
0:25:04 > 0:25:07with clear mental-health issues.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11And, quite frankly, the way I'm feeling, that's good enough for me.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15As long as Greene was born of a woman, I'm in the clear!
0:25:15 > 0:25:19In that case, sirrah, you will hang,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23for untimely was I ripped from my mother's womb,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25born by the Caesar method!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28No, the prophecy!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Hang on! What difference does that make?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32You were still born from a woman.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I mean, tummy or front bottom, it's still a birth, isn't it?
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Shakespeare, you murdered MacBuff, and I will see you hang!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43ALL SCREAM AND GASP
0:25:43 > 0:25:46See! See! He returns!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49ANNE SCREAMS The vision is come again!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- I see him too! - HE GROANS
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I'll trouble you for a jug of milk, Mrs Shakespeare.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- Mr MacBuff, you're...you're alive. - Of course I'm alive!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'm Scottish!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07We're more than alive!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10We are vibrant, creative, uniquely generous,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13strong, fair-minded, even-handed, good-humoured.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Look, I...I saw you out cold in your parlour yesterday morning.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I...I thought you were dead.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I was just having my morning nap after church.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23A big jug of milk always makes me sleepy,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25and I got it all slopped over me.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28But the milk...I...I poured it from the...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30The milk bucket!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33That be Mrs Moomoo's milk bucket, Husband!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37And if you're looking for the paint to do the plaster,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40it's over here beside the wash tub.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Such milk, Mrs Shakespeare -
0:26:42 > 0:26:45full, creamy - I...I came to thank you,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and as a neighbourly token,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50here is a gift of sweetmeats for the children.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Oh, lovely.- Yeah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Taken have I a solid base of nougatine,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58spread upon it burned caramel
0:26:58 > 0:27:03and enfolded all in a sweetened cocoa paste...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, that sounds utterly delicious.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08..then dipped in batter and deep-fried it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You see, now you've gone too far.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I bid you goodnight.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16No need to kill him for his house.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Simply sit back and wait for him to die of a heart attack.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Owners of New Place hereafter!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24SHRIEKING
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I can't stand her any longer!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30She's driven me mad! Mad, I tell you!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Susanna, where is Kate?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Your hands be blood red!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You've murdered Kate!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Kate! Kate!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Yes, Mr Shakespeare?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44If you don't get her away from me, I will murder her!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46We're just having a girlie slumber party
0:27:46 > 0:27:49with strawberry pudding and raspberry lemonade, Mr Shakespeare,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51but I think Susanna might have had enough now.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57You know, it seems to me, Husband,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00all these doings would make a really good play.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Yes, you're right. Of course.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07A light and breezy comedy
0:28:07 > 0:28:10about a laughable misunderstanding over some milk.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Well, actually, I was thinking more of the weird sisters,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17the ghost at the feast,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19the conscience-struck wife,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21endlessly washing her hands in the night.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23You know, a proper blood-and-guts thriller.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26No, no. I think comedy's the way to go.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Two Milky Jugs by William Shakespeare.