0:00:22 > 0:00:24Ah, a toast, Will. A toast to the age of exploration,
0:00:24 > 0:00:25and for once I'm paying.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Every ship returning from the New World brings riches to Albion's shore.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Everyone's coining it in!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34You've got that right, Kit. Hmm! I'm making plenty gold myself.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37You should get a piece of it, Will.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Timid bull don't pleasure no cow.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40No, thank you, Lucy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm aware that the city's sharp boys in their Italian-designed tights
0:00:43 > 0:00:46are coining it big on the New World commodity market,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48also, that the occasional bonus even trickles down
0:00:48 > 0:00:52to smaller investors like yourselves, but I'm a conservative sort of bloke.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I prefer to keep my money in my puffling pants.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Rubbish! You told me you were investing in Burbage's new theatre.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Bricks and mortar, Kit. Very different. Solid. Respectable.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Why invest in malodorous leaves and tuberous root vegetables
0:01:05 > 0:01:09from a mosquito swap in north Virginia, when you can build here in London,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12using bricks made of solid dung and straw?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Well, it's your loss, mate.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Robert Greene is setting up a syndicate
0:01:15 > 0:01:17to buy the cargo off the next ship that docks.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19He needs investors and - mmph! - this fella's in!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Me too. I'm saving up to buy a warship,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26so I can cruise the Ivory Coast freeing slaves.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27THEY CHEER I've often wondered
0:01:27 > 0:01:29how you won your own freedom, Lucy.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Perchance I'll immortalise the story in a play.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I bribed my way out with a diamond ring,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39which I cut from the man who first stole me from my home.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Goodness! You cut off his finger?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43It wasn't on his finger.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45KIT CHUCKLES
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Thoroughly invigorating woman.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I'd miss her if she did go off and become a lady pirate.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Ahh!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Quid agis, Marlowe?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Omne bene, gratias, Greene.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Ni illud velum sic habis bonum mane, Shakespeare.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Um...um...wait, I know this.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Ah, yes, I was forgetting.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05You speak but little Latin.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Sad. Come, now, Marlowe. Have you money for your investment?
0:02:09 > 0:02:14I would fain not stay a moment longer in these immoral surroundings than I must.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Hey! Mr Greene! Here again so soon?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Hey! Phwoar!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You are a naughty boy.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I know not what you mean.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I am here to speak to Mr Marlowe.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29'Tis true, I occasionally visit this establishment,
0:02:29 > 0:02:33but only in order to raise up fallen women with Bible-reading.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It is unlike you to take the missionary position.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The money, Marlowe.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Da mihi pecunia.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Hic pecunia mea.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Just bung that on whatever's in the next ship.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52Mr Shakespeare, vis ad obsedendam in unico tempores opportunitate?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Um... Vis - that's "would". - He's asking if you want to invest.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Oh, uh, right. Well...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Non ego...non.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Non...quick...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04tibi...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07..keepus cashus...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12No matter. Most of the cargo is already sold.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16The sacks of potatoes are spoken for, likewise the bags of tobacco.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Before long, the only thing left on that boat
0:03:18 > 0:03:22will be a couple of cases of syphilis sive morbus Gallicus.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24MARLOWE AND GREENE CHUCKLE
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, sorry, Will. You wouldn't get it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Latin joke.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Need to have gone to Cambridge.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32CAT MEOWS
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Deum, daem, dadum,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37dadum, dadum da bloody dum.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It's no good, Kate.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It won't stay in that which supports a hat but be not a hook,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44has a crown but be not a king,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and is fringed with hair but be not my Bolingbrokes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Pardon?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50He means his head, love.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You will, Mr Shakespeare, you will.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You already have your schoolboy Latin to build on.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I taught myself from scratch.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yes, but I think it's easier for girls,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03their heads being otherwise so empty that...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05that there's more room to learn things.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yes, because that's really logical(!)
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I don't know why you care, anyway.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I mean, how many dead Romans are you going to be chatting with?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Apart from the obvious social advantages of knowing Latin,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18all legal documents are writ in the language of the Caesars.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21If I'm to be a theatre owner, I must be able to read the contracts.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Theatre owner?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Such an exciting idea, Mr Shakespeare.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Isn't it? Yes. Burbage must move his productions to south of the river
0:04:28 > 0:04:32to escape the wrath of the God-prodding pure-titties who run the city.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, I hate those God-prodding pure-titties.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They're so grim. There's no singing, no dancing...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yes, and most crucially, no point!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I searched the Bible in vain
0:04:41 > 0:04:45for the passage that tells us that putting horseshoe nails
0:04:45 > 0:04:49on the inside of your codpiece will give you a front-row cloud in heaven.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Still, the pure-titties' righteous fury could be the making of me,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57for Burbage has asked me to come in with him as investor and producer.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Such a joyful happenstance!
0:04:59 > 0:05:00And what's more,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04he has hinted that if I can but finish my great teen romance in time,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- it will open the new house. - Why don't you just tell him it's finished?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Because it isn't. - It is if you want it to be.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Liberate yourself. Just stop writing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Put a big full stop, and you're done.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17But nothing will be concluded of plot or character.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Trust me, no-one will notice.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22They're not really following, anyway.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Your plays are too long.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I mean, Richard III was nearly four hours. That's just wrong.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29People cheered.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, they were glad it was over!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Didn't you get that?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Bottom, your barbs do bite most bitterly.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, no-one else will tell you except me. You give 'em too much.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Kate, you don't agree with this, do you?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Well, they are quite long, Mr Shakespeare.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I mean, it's all great.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It's just sometimes, less is more.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48A short play's a good play.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52You don't want Juliet's balls dropping halfway through the balcony scene.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Well, that's true.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And 'tis ever a danger with these beardless youths
0:05:56 > 0:05:58that we must employ to play the ladies.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Of course, if an actual girl were playing the role...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, God, here we go. Would you let it drop, woman?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Girls can't act.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09No, no, Bottom. I confess I'm beginning to come round to Kate's way of thinking.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I would love to hear my Juliet in the true voice of a maid.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Sadly, we're constrained by law.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It's so frustrating!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20A woman may not disport herself on stage for fear she be thought a trollop.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It does seem silly, but there it is.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24If ever I am to hope to sneak you into Burbage's company,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27it must be in disguise. You must make him believe that you be that
0:06:27 > 0:06:30which, though it hath teats, hath no breasts,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and though it hath balls, be not a game of tennis.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- You mean a man, right? - Yes, I mean a man.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39A bit tortured, that one, if I'm honest, Master.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You have to let 'em roll and then edit later.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Now, I must be on my way.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm to meet Burbage to discuss our great venture.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Let me come. - You, Kate? How so?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I speak Latin, I understand compound interest.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I can be your secretary.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56But you're a girl. Girls can't be secretaries. It's unheard of.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Exactly!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And so I shall come disguised as a man,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and if I can do that without discovery,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06then surely I can audition as a boy to play Juliet?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Well, I suppose I could do with a Latin speaker on my team.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, no. I don't like this at all.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13This is just rubbish, this is.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14You have an objection, Bottom?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Yes, I have got a flippin' objection.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I can't read, I can't write, I own nothing and I'm sewn into my underwear,
0:07:21 > 0:07:25but at least I've got more rights and status than any bloomin' bird!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27You start edging women into the workplace,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30then where's that going to leave all of us pig-ignorant blokes?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Now, Kate, be ever vigilant.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39The tiniest mistake could see you unmasked as a weak and timorous girlie.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41What sort of mistake? Any hints?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Well, do not, under any circumstances, discuss your feelings.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Not discuss feelings?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What do men talk about?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Sex, beer and sport.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52On the subject of feelings,
0:07:52 > 0:07:56if a rehearsal begins, do not cry at the sad bits,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and if blood sports be suggested, and a pack of dogs
0:07:59 > 0:08:01be set upon a tethered goat for fun,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03you must cry, "Kill! Kill!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:06not, "But he looks so sweet. Why do we have to hurt him?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:10And, of course, there's the most important factor of all in pretending to be a man.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12What's that?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I must ne'er be seen to perform a multitude of tasks
0:08:14 > 0:08:16all at the same moment.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21For 'tis a fact well known that men cannot perform a multitude of tasks
0:08:21 > 0:08:22all at the same moment.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Actually, that's a fundamental misunderstanding on the part of you girls.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29In fact, men can perform a multitude of tasks all at the same moment.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32We just prefer to sit around drinking beer.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36So, Master Shakespeare, we come, as promised, to discuss plans
0:08:36 > 0:08:39for our new theatre and... Who's this?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Cuthbert, my secretary. A young fellow who would make a life in the theatre.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- DEEP VOICE:- Wotch, you bunch of hugger-tuggers!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Anyone get any minge last night?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Boo-hey! I love minge.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Seems a very pleasant fellow, Will.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yes, come and sit down, Cuthbert.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Tell you what, perhaps later on we'll go bear-baiting, eh?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Brilliant! I certainly won't cry!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05So, Will, as you know,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09the God-prodding pure-titties in the city have forced our company
0:09:09 > 0:09:13beyond London's walls, so we plan to build south of the river, in Southwark.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Yes. England's first purpose-built theatre.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Think of it, Burbage! We're actually inventing the form.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Absolutely.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It falls upon us to lay the very foundation stone
0:09:23 > 0:09:25of theatre architecture.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27So, a playhouse.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30What is it?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33A big space...for people to stand in.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yes. That's a good beginning.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Yes. What else? What else?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39A stage at one end, probably?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42A stage, for certain. A stage.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43This is so exciting,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46and since our building will be only for the production of plays
0:09:46 > 0:09:50and not also for boozing and bear-baiting, as has been the custom to date,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52there's no limit to the effects we can install!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Traps, drapes, screens -
0:09:55 > 0:09:59with such devices great battles and mighty tempests can be presented.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Hmm, yeah? Really?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02HE GRUNTS
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- SQUEAKY VOICE:- Not sure.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You have an observation to make, Kempe?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Just saying. Battles? Tempests? Bit dated?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Wrong thing to say? Don't care. Said it now, so...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Dated, Kempe?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Not going to lie. All that shouting,
0:10:18 > 0:10:23all that, "Oh, I'm a king and my army's all dead..." That's not relatable. That's not interesting.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24What do you suggest?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Well, instead of setting the big scene in a battle,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29why not set it in the king's counting house?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30In an office?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Observational, see?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Minimal is the new epic.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Yeah? Instead of having heroic characters struggling with war and murder,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44they could all be really ordinary and worried about really tiny things,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47like, "Ooh, did you use my quill?" "Oh, was that your quill?"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"Well, yeah. That was my quill. It's got my name on it."
0:10:50 > 0:10:51"Oh, sorry."
0:10:51 > 0:10:55"Well, you can borrow it, but if you ask, maybe. Please respect my stuff."
0:10:55 > 0:10:57That sort of thing. It'd be brilliant.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Do shut up, Kempe.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01We must consider the auditorium too.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We'll need a toilet, methinks.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Will's plays be very long.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Very, very long.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Incredibly long. Like mad long.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09They're not long!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10A bit long, Will.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Yes, we'll definitely need a big trench out the back to piss in.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18And numerous closeted stalls for the ladies,
0:11:18 > 0:11:2020 or 30, I'd say, otherwise there'll be a queue.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The ladies? You think we should cover for them?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Well, of course, yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27While there be no ladies on stage, many do attend the play.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yes, well, I suppose we could knock up a little shed
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and put a bucket in it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34So, the conveniences.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37A 20-yard pissoir for the men,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and a single bucket in a cupboard for the ladies.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Mr Burbage, a single stall?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Surely you can see that in times of greatest traffic, such as the interval,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49a large queue will form of angry ladies with their legs crossed.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Remember, sirrah, that what we design here today
0:11:52 > 0:11:56will set the pattern for theatres across future centuries.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00So, as I say...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03..a 20-yard pissoir for the men
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and a single bucket in a cupboard for the ladies.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07(Have a care, young Kate,)
0:12:07 > 0:12:10(for your outrageous special pleading for your own sex will unmask you.)
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- (It's just so unfair!) - Right, lunch!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I have a meat pie.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16- Meat pie.- Meat pasty.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Meat pie.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Oh, I've made a lovely little salad, which you're all welcome to pick at.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Just some fresh leaves and carrot goujons.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Also some rose petals, just for scent and colour, but you can eat them.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33You're a bloody girl, aren't you?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37An ambitious little bitchington trying to steal my job!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39No. Minge! Flange!
0:12:39 > 0:12:40- HIGH VOICE:- Anal!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44We get one like you every fortnight.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Silly little girls pretending to be boys,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50in the pathetic hope that they'll be as good at being girls as boys are.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Be gone, you foul sluttage.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54And find yourself a husband!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57So, theatre design complete. Now,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59if you want to be in on this venture, you've got to invest.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Four quid minimum shares. Are you in or out?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06In, Burbage. I journey to Stratford this very e'en to get the cash!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Hoorah.- For there is a tide in the affairs of men
0:13:09 > 0:13:13which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Meaning?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Well, I'm just reiterating, really...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23that I'm going to Stratford to get the cash.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24His stuff's too long.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- Oh, very long. - Very, very long.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28HEN CLUCKS
0:13:28 > 0:13:30God, what a journey!
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Lost a whole half-day stuck behind a seriously unhelpful shepherd,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39who simply refused to pull his sheep over to the side of the lane.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Let me tell you, when we finally did edge alongside,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45we all made some seriously rude gestures out of the carriage window.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Which was satisfying, but considering it took three hours to pass him,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51rather tiring on the arm.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Well, I'm glad you're back, love.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Your "dad jobs" list's getting longer than a pure-titty's sermon.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Aye, mistress.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Such was the longing I felt for thee,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04so fervently did tug the bonds of love
0:14:04 > 0:14:08that I must needs forswear all other thoughts and hasten to thy side.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10What d'you want?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11The family savings.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Our savings?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Yep. All of them.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16The whole four quid.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19What about our plans to buy New Place?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23And Susanna's dowry? She be 13 and thus fast approaching marrying age.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26And she's such a gobby little bitchington,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I really don't think we're going to off-load her for less than ten bob.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Shut up! God, you're so weird.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Everything I do is wrong. Shut up!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And I've told you ten times to move your cup and plate
0:14:37 > 0:14:38and tidy away your clothes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I'm busy.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Why is it always me?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Ask the twins. Shut up.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46'Tis true, Wife.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Unless we can happen upon a youth who finds selfish lethargy
0:14:49 > 0:14:52and impenetrable self-righteousness attractive,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54we may be stuck with her for quite a while.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I didst not ask to be brought forth
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- into the world.- What do you mean, you want our savings?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I want them in order to double them.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Treble them.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Burbage and I intend to build a theatre on the south bank.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Wife...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13nearly all the money's gone.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Our savings? Stolen?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Yes. We had four pounds, and now there's only one.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Oh, the shame of it.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Your own son.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Mum?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25He took it. Your father.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29To think, me, an Arden, married to a thief!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Oh, yeah, cos it's all about you, isn't it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35He's been fined again. Illegal wool-trading.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39He bought and sold sheepskin without paying the excise.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Oh, the shame of it!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43The very shame.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Dad, be this true? Are you become a criminal?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Criminal?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Well, depends how you define "criminal".
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Somebody who has broken the law.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54But which law?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Real law or natural law?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Real law.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00What about all the bankers and traders
0:16:00 > 0:16:03who've tempted thousands to lose everything
0:16:03 > 0:16:05in a fruitless search for mythical El Dorados?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07They're the real criminals.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yes. If by "the real" you mean "also".
0:16:12 > 0:16:16None of this makes it all right for you to steal my life savings!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Look, I was desperate!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20When you turned down my idea
0:16:20 > 0:16:24for a dad-son double act, it was the last straw.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26This is my fault?!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Well, I do think you might have considered the idea, William.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I still think we can make it work.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I have to find three pounds in the next week,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37and shameless, self-indulgent, cross-generational fame-whoring
0:16:37 > 0:16:40ain't gonna do the job!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44So, Mr Shakespeare,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47you wish to invest after all?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Yes. I...I have a pound
0:16:48 > 0:16:52and would hope for a great return, as you promised.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I also said you should hurry, sir.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58All the investments are made - the potatoes, the tobacco, the spices.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02But what about those cases of syphilis whatnot you mentioned?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04You said there might be some of those left.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10And so does this upstart crow's lack of education condemn him.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I have him in my clutches!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Hmm...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Well, now, let me see.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Yes, it seems, in fact, there are a number of cases of syphilis reported
0:17:23 > 0:17:25on a ship just docked.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Then I would beg you, let me invest in one.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28By all means.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Although, caveat emptor. For the purposes of my duty of care,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36you are aware of the nature of that in which you would invest?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Who cares? It's been imported from America.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42We in England will instantly adopt anything from America.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46What is a potato but a starchy tuber?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48What is tobacco but a dried weed?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52What is a corn cob but a big, yellow, bobbly dildo?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I would invest in the very next case of syphilis that be brought ashore.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I have a pound.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I fear the minimum stake would be two.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I have but one.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07The trap shuts.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Why, sir, let me lend you another.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Really?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13You'd do that for me?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16And for surety on the capital?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Name it. My house? My wife?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21No, sir, nothing so onerous.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Let us just say that, for my one pound,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I would want merely one pound back...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Well, that seems very reasonable.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30..of your flesh.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34So, the investment's sorted.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'm off to the Red Lion.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Burbage is conducting preliminary auditions for my Juliet
0:18:40 > 0:18:42and if I'm not careful, he'll choose the wrong boy.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Oh, Mr Shakespeare, let me try again. Please!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Kate, I've told you.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49In order to be a girl, you must first be a boy.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Give me another go.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Give me some hints.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I just need to get deeper into character.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Well...all right.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Supposing we go to the tavern where the new American potato tuber be served,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03diced into batons and fried.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Oh, God, I love them! - Aye, all men do. Women also.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And here, Kate, lies the rub, for without care you will be exposed.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11How so, Mr Shakespeare?
0:19:11 > 0:19:16When the diced potato tuber be offered, do not refuse to order your own,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18only then to steal it from another's plate.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Oh, my God, I so do that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22For then will all at table know you are a girl.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'll be so careful.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Will you also lend me another suit of clothes
0:19:27 > 0:19:29so they don't recognise me from last time?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31All right. But we have to hurry.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Kate, you must decide!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I can't! I can't.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Every garment from the wardrobe hath been hurled upon the bed
0:19:40 > 0:19:41and yet you still claim
0:19:41 > 0:19:45that you have not a single thing with which to robe yourself!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Full, round and plumpish all do make me look.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52But, Kate, can't you see this is a case in point?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54As with the diced, fried tuber-batons.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Girls can't stop being girlie.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58'Tis at the very core of their nature.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02A man would simply grab the first pair of puffling pants to hand,
0:20:02 > 0:20:03give them the sniff test,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07and if they be not actually rotted with his dung, shove em on!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I've only ever owned a single pair!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I've had these on for 15 years.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13You must decide.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16All right. Which do you think?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- These or these?- Erm, those.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So you hate these? You think I look full, round and plumpish in these?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24No, you asked me, by Jehovah's nostrils!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28You...you forced a choice upon me and then you turned that choice into a slight!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Was ever there a thing so girlie?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- This is impossible! - All right. I'll go with these.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Finally. And actually, for what it's worth,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I think you look very nice in those puffling pants.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Yeah, right! As if! I do not.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41You're obviously lying.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Oh, God. Look, Kate, I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's quite clear that you can never convince as a man
0:20:47 > 0:20:51and, therefore, there is no possibility of your ever earning the opportunity
0:20:51 > 0:20:54to convince as a woman. Now, I have far more pressing concerns.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You wait, Mr Shakespeare. I will find a way to prove my worth.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Kate, gentle Kate, thou provest thy worth
0:21:02 > 0:21:05every day with thy joyous smile,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08thy girlish laugh and the soft, tender grace
0:21:08 > 0:21:12that all Eve's daughters bring to the rough world of men.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Oh, Mr Shakespeare, you are like he who gives support,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18like that which sweetens all that it covers.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22You are a great poet and are like the heavens.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Kate, your words move me, but I would fain know their meaning.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Why, he who gives support is a patron,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32that which sweetens all that it covers be but icing,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34a great poet is a bard,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36and the heavens, of course, be starred.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Put them together and you get...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Patron...icing...bard...starred.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I'll leave it with you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51God! Her and her women's emancipation stuff.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Talk about having a diced, fried tuber-baton on her shoulder...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I think I'm outward-going and with a great personality.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03It's my dream to play Juliet, and I really, really want it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Thank you. Next.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08But you haven't heard my backstory!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10My mum's just got the plague!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I was bullied at dame school.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm bringing up my sister's son.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I said next!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17You'll see.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I'll be a futtocking star,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21and then you'll look like dicks.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Crappage! Crappage. They all be crappage.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30At this rate, our theatre will be built before we find our Juliet.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33But you've got your bloody Juliet. Me!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Except, oh, that's right, once an actor who plays women reaches a certain age,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39the roles dry up.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44My dear Condell, Juliet be but a maid of 13.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49And Romeo be 14, yet no doubt Burbage here will be playing him.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh, yes, it's all right for actors who play men.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54They can be geriatric and still get romantic leads.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57But we actors who play women are tossed away
0:22:57 > 0:23:00in favour of younger actors who play women.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Enough of this carping.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03We've a play to cast and a theatre to build.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Speaking of which, Will, have you your four pounds investment?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08At any moment, Burbage.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I expect news of my investment on the hour.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Mr Shakespeare, we just got a note from the Board of Trade.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Ah, brilliant!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Not brilliant. I'm ruined.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20My investment was in twice-poxed sailors.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Your ignorance condemns you, sirrah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Syphilis sive morbus Gallicus
0:23:25 > 0:23:28is but the recently coined term for the French disease,
0:23:28 > 0:23:33but since the name be conjured by the poet and astronomer Hieronymus Fracastorius
0:23:33 > 0:23:36in his Latin lyrical verse cycle,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40an oikish country bum-snot like you knows not of it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I'm sorry, Burbage. I'm broke, and cannot invest in your theatre.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Oh, I think your problems are a little more urgent than that, sirrah.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52I would have my pound back, and if it be not in monies, then let it be in flesh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:55But I...I have no monies.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Then these officers of the law will keep you safe
0:23:58 > 0:24:01until a court of law orders that my debt be paid!
0:24:01 > 0:24:06But, Greene, a pound of flesh cut from a man means certain death.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Hmm...yes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I'll get a lawyer! I'll fight this case!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Your case is hopeless, sirrah!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I have my signed bond.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19There is not a man in London who will represent you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Take him away.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26All rise for His Honour Sir Robert Roberts, judge presiding.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Be seated.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Who will speak for the prosecution?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I, my lord, will prosecute.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Being a Cambridge graduate, I am of course a qualified lawyer.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And who will speak for the defence?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I fear none, my lord, for this case is so hopeless
0:24:47 > 0:24:50that there be not a single man in London who will speak for this wretch.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- DEEP VOICE:- Not so, sir.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I am a man...and a lawyer.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And I will defend this wronged man.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01You, sirrah, who are you?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I am Cuthbert Capulet, your honour.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Do you wish to argue that Master Greene should not take his bond?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Go for it, good Kate.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Nail him with some brilliant Latin stuff.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14On the contrary, my lord,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18if Mr Greene wishes to cut a pound of flesh from my client then he must,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20for 'tis his legal right.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21- What?! - Master Greene,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23you may extract your bond.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Oh, how sweet
0:25:27 > 0:25:32will be this unkindest cut of all.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Please, Master Greene. The quality of mercy is not strained.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the earth beneath.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Not even iambic pentameter can save you now!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Tarry a little.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47There is something else.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53This bond doth give thee here no jot of blood.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I beg your pardon?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Take then thy bond.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Take thou thy pound of flesh, but in the cutting it,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04if thou doth shed one drop of Christian blood...
0:26:04 > 0:26:05No blood?! How can I avoid it?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Exactly, sirrah.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10If you must take your flesh, you must needs also steal blood,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and thus would my client die.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Well, I must say, this does alter things a bit.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Will you still take your bond, Master Greene?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I shall be happy enough to try you straight'way after for murder.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26But, my lord, this Capulet's argument is utterly spurious!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Why, flesh contains blood!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Flesh be not flesh without it. You do not visit the butcher and say,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"A pound of beef, and don't forget to leave the blood in," do you?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Actually, that's very true. Master Greene is entirely and absolutely right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Your whole pound-of-flesh argument is in fact wafer-thin rubbish!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare, you're going to have to let him carve a steak off.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48But I'll die!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Hmm. Sorry. Right, lunch recess.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59A moment, Mr Greene!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Your honour, may I approach the bench?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Come.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- NORMAL VOICE:- Just wanted to say, nice gown.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Really loving it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12- SOFT VOICE:- Thanks so much. I thought it might make me look a bit full, round and plumpish.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16So, a salad-eater who thinks a perfectly nice gown makes him look fat.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Or should I say, makes HER look fat?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20You're a girl!
0:27:20 > 0:27:21It's true!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Ever since I first came to London as a young girl,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I've known that it's a man's world.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30And to prosper I must needs become one.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Please, do not expose me.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Don't worry, I get it. I really do.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Just let my client walk and your secret's safe.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Case dismissed!
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- What?!- Costs awarded against the plaintiff.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- Set at... - I need four quid.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47..four pounds!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- I love your shoes. - Thanks, Judge Robert.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Please...
0:27:51 > 0:27:53call me Bob.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Kate saved my sweet white country arsington and no mistake.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05If the judge hadn't turned out to be another woman,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I'd be a couple of giblets short of a playwright.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Yeah, well, it's lucky you didn't have to rely on
0:28:10 > 0:28:12her stupid pound-of-flesh argument.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15It's bloody obvious flesh contains blood.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20If the end of one of your play's hinged on such a half-baked notion,
0:28:20 > 0:28:25all would boo and jeer and call thee a total wankington.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Hmm, yes.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Absolutely.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Although it might work.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34You know, if I buried it in a lot of iambic pentameter.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Well, it's your call, love.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38You're the genius.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Yes, Wife. I absolutely am.