0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello, and in the few moments before the next programme,
0:00:05 > 0:00:09I'll just fill you in on the next few weeks.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I'm having a small sherry party on Wednesday.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Just a few friends. That should be nice.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I have a pair of curtains arriving from Laura Ashley on the 15th.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Sky blue with a Regency stripe.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And at the end of the month, I'm being fired.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26So, that's what's coming up for me and here's what's in store for you.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Some old trouts and a man who ought to be in the army.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31It's on now, unfortunately.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Good evening.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Or if you're watching this on video, press fast forward.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I look better with stripes through.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I'll keep my coat. I'm not stopping.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09This is a BBC special -
0:01:09 > 0:01:14it's an extra ten minutes long and I've bought a new bra.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20You see, the cookery programme had the oven up too high,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22so it finished ten minutes early
0:01:22 > 0:01:25and Gardener's World didn't want them, so we've got them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31This special is a temporary farewell from me to TV comedy.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34AUDIENCE GOES "AHHH" I've taken a part in That's My Boy.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41That was an entirely unnecessary and cruel remark. Let's keep it in.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Let's have more of those.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Let me explain.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48This is all lies, what I'm saying.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50We've actually been axed.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53We've been axed because we're not a soap opera.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Well, EastEnders is hugely popular.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I prefer something more light and frothy...
0:02:00 > 0:02:01like The World at War.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I don't mind Brookside because that's on Channel 4
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and we can't get Channel 4.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12We live behind a hill and there's some sort of a delay.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14We get Whirlybirds and The Plane Makers.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I don't mind Emmerdale...
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I suppose I see it about once every ten years.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23So I've seen it about four times.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It's always the same episode,
0:02:27 > 0:02:28or seems to be.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Annie's in the kitchen, making the tea...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35They all come in, stamp on the mat, say, "Ee, by 'eck, Ma, it's parky!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Walk to the sink, wash their hands, dry them on the roller towel,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43the phone rings, "Emmerdale Farm..."
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Then it's time for the adverts!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I've read there's to be a fatal accident on Emmerdale Farm!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I can't imagine what it's going to be.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I suppose Annie will be making the tea...
0:02:56 > 0:03:00they all come in, stamp on the mat, say "Ee, by 'eck, Ma, it's parky",
0:03:00 > 0:03:02slip on a buttered barm cake
0:03:02 > 0:03:04and knock themselves out on the roller towel!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I assume.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And I've given up on Crossroads, I'm afraid, since Miss Diane died.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Very upsetting. She lost the will to live.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Mind you, if I was in Crossroads for 20 years,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I'd lose the will to live.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30I got confused when people from the Archers turned up in Crossroads.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34What if everyone in Crossroads turned up in EastEnders?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Or just Benny!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39He wouldn't have say anything,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42he could sit in Pat Beale's cleavage, smiling!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48My friend watches TV all day,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52from Wincey Willis down to the Open University things about germs.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56And I said to her, "Do you think television has killed the art of conversation?"
0:03:56 > 0:03:58She said, "Erm..."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I like TV catchphrases,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07like the one every tired wife hates to hear at bedtime -
0:04:07 > 0:04:08"I've started so I'll finish."
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Oh, look! This is supposed to be a 40 minute special,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16now it's a 37 and a half minute special.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18People write in and complain if you gabble.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21They do. I don't mind. I'm using the stamps for a lampshade.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28A little thing Janet Ellis taught me.
0:04:30 > 0:04:36I hope you enjoy the show, because we haven't half been in a bad mood getting it ready.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Julian and Celia smashed a huge bottle of meths on the floor,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42so they haven't had a drink all day.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Hello! Want to wear a bra but you don't want to wear a woman's bra?
0:04:56 > 0:05:02Just for Men. Like a woman's bra but feels and looks totally masculine.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The straps keep clear of collar and tie,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09and it won't ride up during sport or locker room horseplay!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Just for Men.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14The bra that's wasted on women!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You know, I've scoured this store from top to bottom.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Can I find a sidewinding thermal bodybelt? Can I buffalo!
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Why do you want one?- Miss, I think you'll find there's Spam on that!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That gippy kidney.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Flared up?- Ohh! It's like being continually poked!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Can you imagine that?- No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:55Dr Brewster said if I don't keep it lagged, I could be spending a penny every 20 minutes come March.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- Can't they operate?- Well, I haven't time to go in! I'm on the phone night and day about that carpet!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- What's the soup, dear? - Country vegetable.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05What country? Taiwan?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Is that steak?- Doubt it.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Probably some poor beast that came a cropper at Beecher's Brook.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And I had a huge to-do and a hoo-ha at the hairdresser.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- What about those Dublin prawns?- No!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22D'you know, they hang around sewage outlet pipes
0:06:22 > 0:06:25treading water with their mouths open?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29They love it!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31So, anyway, I'm at Maison Rene...
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- Aren't prawns an aphrodisiac? - I wouldn't put it past them.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I'm waiting to be shampooed,
0:06:39 > 0:06:43flickin' through a Woman's Weekly - lovely piece on Alma Cogan...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- What's the hold-up, dear?- We're waiting for fresh cauli.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Fresh?
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Might as well wait for Maurice Chevalier.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54So, I'm pulled into the cubicle...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, this is ridiculous! Let us by! I'm a diabetic!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- So in comes Rene...- She must be getting on.- Exactly!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11She leans too far forward with a sponge roller,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14she topples out of her walking frame!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15And you have to shout.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I don't want the whole world to know I'm not a natural Conker!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Don't have the gateau.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25She just scratched her armpit with the cake-slice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30And Rene's very set in her ways, style-wise.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I don't mind, I'm a great admirer of Phyllis Calvert.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36So, why the hoo-ha?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I decided to go mad, it being the smoked meat purveyors'
0:07:40 > 0:07:42buffet-and-mingle at the weekend.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Could we get by? We're not having a sweet.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Very wise, with those hips!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53So I said, "Skip the Conker, Rene,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- "I'll have Burnished Beechnut and to heck with it!"- Yeah...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Well, you know she's colour-blind.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Colour-blind?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02She can't tell red from blue!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07She once tottered into a brothel, thinking it was a police station!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Tea, coffee?- No!- She didn't! - It was OK.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12One of the girls changed her tyre.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Are you waiting for something?- Yes!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18A small mineral water and an orange squash.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Back by the trays. Tea, coffee?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You have a look of Eva Braun, did you know that?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28So...
0:08:28 > 0:08:33what Rene mixed up - Burnished Beechnut it was not!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35More like Varicose Violet.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- I could have wept! - Did she make you pay?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, she knocked off my Bourbons.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Then in walks Maxine, waving her whitlow.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Is that the bodybuilder? - No, that's Lois.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Excuse me!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Grey eggs. Is that an Arab custom?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Now you can have, in your own home, to view and view again,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02the very best of 50 years of British television.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Classic programmes such as Coronation Street
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and other classic programmes like that.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And all on video for you to keep and keep again.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13A video compilation you'll treasure forever and keep on treasuring.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16THEME TO CORONATION STREET
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Oh, thank you, Ena. Good health.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I'll give you good health, Minnie Caldwell!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh, Ena! I'm sure I never meant...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You never do mean, Minnie Caldwell!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, sup up and shut up!
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I've heard enough scragging to last me from Weatherfield Viaduct to Whit Week!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It's a lovely milk stout, Ena.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You take the barm cake, you do!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Oh, Ena! You've a chip on your shoulder that big,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Jackson's chippy couldn't cover it with vinegar!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Put a pikelet in it,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and you might hear summat to your own advantage.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08'Appen I might. What's to do?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Oh, yes, Ena! What's to do?
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Well, I keep my trap shut and you can learn a bit
0:10:16 > 0:10:19if you keep your hairnet jammed up against vestry walls.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24You weren't behind t'mangle when they was handin' out stair-rods!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Oh, Ena! What have you heard?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31That stuck-up Ida Barlow - who's no better than she should be -
0:10:31 > 0:10:33not be too long before she falls under a bus.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Harry Hewitt'll likely get crushed under the axle of his own van.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41And Valerie Barlow - and if this isn't judgment for setting herself up
0:10:41 > 0:10:44as a so-called hairstylist, then my name's not Ena Sharples.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49From what I hear, it's two clogs to a threepenny bit she'll electrocute herself with her hairdryer!
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- What about the poor little twins? - Their Peter and their Susan?
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Off to Scotland. Coming back after 20 years without so much as a Scottish accent!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01That's nice! I must tell my Bobby.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Is that all?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04All?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I can't listen to gossip all day!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I have clinkers to riddle and pots to sign!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Did you not hear nowt about me?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15'Appen I did and 'appen I didn't.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17But I tell you one thing...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You won't be wanting this.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23CLOSING MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Hurry, Fiona!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I can't, Doctor, my stockings are rubbing together!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33In here!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- ROBOTIC VOICE:- Bow wow!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Who is it, Doctor? I'm not very bright and I haven't got my glasses.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46My old enemy Crayola.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Hello, Crayola!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Doctor! It's been a long time!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Eons!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55As long as that? You don't look a day over five million!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57How do you do it?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Table tennis! CRAYOLA CACKLES
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I'll keep him talking. Sneak behind him and disconnect his tubing.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07We don't have any mingmongs!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Then I'll creep behind him and you show him your operation scar.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Doctor! Look out!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Game, set and match, I think, Doctor.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Run for it, Fiona!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You've killed him!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Not at all, my dear.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I've merely converted his mega-plum-finity
0:12:29 > 0:12:31into negative creepathogs.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33But what does that mean?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Search me, dear!
0:12:38 > 0:12:44Employment. Job losses - 3,000 in Paisley and 800 in Sunderland,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47with the closure of GK Metalworks.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Job gains - good news in Hove,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Mrs Mason of the Sea Breeze Restaurant
0:12:52 > 0:12:55is taking on somebody to peel the potatoes.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Hello! Welcome back to McOnomy,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07where we try to protect your pennies and pile up those pounds!
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Oh, I spat on my cardigan.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13This is the time of year for that thorny problem -
0:13:13 > 0:13:14insulation.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19A lot of heat is lost through ill-fitting windows and doors.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24And elderly people often live in draughty surroundings
0:13:24 > 0:13:27which they can't afford to insulate.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32So why not invite the elderly person into your home
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and get him to lie down against the bottom of the door?
0:13:35 > 0:13:41It would make a change for them and a cheap draught-excluder for you!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45How many times has somebody thrown a brick through your window?
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Such vandalism is increasingly common.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And the question we're all asking is -
0:13:52 > 0:13:55what on earth can you do with the bricks?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56What did you come up with, Molly?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Well, of course, there's all the obvious things.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Like earrings...
0:14:04 > 0:14:08..ornamental buttons on a favourite coat...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12..but my particular pet...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Now I'm spitting on my cardigan!
0:14:16 > 0:14:17..is this!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Attractive, practical,
0:14:22 > 0:14:27a marvellous, inexpensive present for a newlywed or a blind person.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Cost, Molly?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Once I bought a drill for the wiring, I'd only to buy the shade,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37the bulb, the flex and the plug!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So the whole thing came in at under £55!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Don't plug it in and you won't use any of that expensive electricity!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You will not.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, our minute's up now, so that's it from Molly and myself for this month.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Do continue to send us your money-saving hints.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58One viewer suggested the TV company could economise
0:14:58 > 0:15:00by not making this programme,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03which is well worth bearing in mind!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's a canny notion indeed.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Ta-ta!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# I've got a house Got a TV
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Got a doormat that says "Welcome" and it's pointed at me
0:15:34 > 0:15:38# Cos I don't No I don't need you
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# I've got friends I've got pals
0:15:43 > 0:15:46# Some are chaps And some are great big hairy gals
0:15:46 > 0:15:50# So I don't No I don't need you
0:15:52 > 0:15:57# Cos love's a high...risk area
0:15:57 > 0:16:01# I've got a notice on my brain
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Saying don't get caught again
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- # Inside that high... - High!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09# ..area!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# Well it's my lucky day
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- # I'm keepin' well away - Away!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19# I've got brains I've got hair
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# I've got athlete's foot which seems very unfair
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# So I don't No I don't need you
0:16:28 > 0:16:31# I've got cash I've got pounds
0:16:31 > 0:16:34# I've got a letter from Access saying they're gonna send somebody round
0:16:34 > 0:16:38# So I don't No I don't need you
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- # Cos it's a high... - High!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# ..area!
0:16:45 > 0:16:51# And the thing I'd rather do is stand well back and wave at you
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- # Inside that high... - High!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57# ..area
0:16:57 > 0:17:00# It's just a loony bin
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- # And I'm not signing in - Signing in
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# I've got a degree I've got O level maths
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# I've got a certificate saying I can swim two lengths of the baths
0:17:10 > 0:17:14# So I don't No I don't need you
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# I've been to Rome I've been to Dubai
0:17:19 > 0:17:22# I've been to Keynsham Spelt K-E-Y
0:17:22 > 0:17:25# And I've been thinking that I don't need you
0:17:25 > 0:17:28# I don't need you
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# Love...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# I really can't be bothered
0:17:34 > 0:17:37# Love...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# I haven't got a clue
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# Love...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46# I know your heart is bleeding
0:17:46 > 0:17:51# But none of what I'm needing is supplied by you
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# Cos I want heart I want soul
0:17:55 > 0:17:58# I want everybody in the Oxo family to fall down a 60-foot hole
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# But I don't No I don't want you
0:18:04 > 0:18:07# I need flowers I need trees
0:18:07 > 0:18:10# I need a new pair of trousers cos the zip's just gone on these
0:18:10 > 0:18:14# But I don't No I don't need you
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- # Cos it's a high... - High!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:18:20 > 0:18:21# ..area!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24# Where only fools go rushing in
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# Looking for their crazy twin
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- # Inside that high... - High!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# ..area
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# Well I've had mumps and I've had flu
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- # And I'm not having you - Having you
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- # Avoid that high... - High!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# ..area!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48# It doesn't make a lot of sense
0:18:48 > 0:18:51# To scrape your knees To climb the fence
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- # To reach that high... - High!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- # ..risk... - Risk!
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# ..area... # APPLAUSE
0:19:01 > 0:19:02DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Hello, Jean! Mmm! Your lavatory smells fresh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15There's a tang of the ocean about it, isn't there?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17My shoes are rather muddy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21No problem, Sue. I carpeted the house in wipe-clean floor-web.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The dirt simply floats off and it doesn't break the bank!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Sit down. The kettle's on.- Thanks!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29BUZZ!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32There's the kettle, with a buzzer, light and cut-out switch,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35no boil-dry worries! Tea or coffee?
0:19:35 > 0:19:41I like both, but health reports make me want a safer alternative.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44But where can I find taste without tannin?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Try new Aroma.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49All the taste, none of the nasties!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I have to watch my weight.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Who doesn't? At only 15 calories a sachet,
0:19:53 > 0:19:57it tickles your taste buds without tipping off your tum!
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- Oh!- Don't worry, lady. I won't be two ticks. I'm using Krystalene.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Gets windows twice as clean in half the time!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09With Krystalene's buffing pad, no smears are guaranteed!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Ta-ta!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13By the way...nice legs!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14HE WHISTLES
0:20:14 > 0:20:18And comfortable too, thanks to Stretchihose,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22the support stocking with the built-in wolf whistle!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Your loose covers certainly have feel appeal!
0:20:26 > 0:20:32It's Springsoft, the fabric softener that coats each fibre individually.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Home-made biscuits? Aren't you too tired?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Two drops of Megavitality before each meal
0:20:38 > 0:20:42promotes a feeling of genuine wellbeing!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Now the twins have to run to catch up with me!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47THEY LAUGH
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Anyway, how's life?- Life?- Yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52You mean real life?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54No! Life!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56The fragrant pantyliner for those in-between times!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Oh! Life! I didn't know what you meant!
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Oh, Life's wonderful! Individually wrapped for extra daintiness!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Not very realistic. Or was it?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Me and another woman in specs will be discussing that sketch
0:21:16 > 0:21:17and its effect on us
0:21:17 > 0:21:20in The Cinderella Factor at 10.30.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24That's not a TV show, it's a woman's cocktail bar.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Sunday, of course, is very much a day for contemplation,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33religious observance, prayer and worship.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38TV ignores this with a mad whirl of antiques programmes,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41lunatic tenors and hard-hitting thrillers.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Coming up now.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46ANTIQUES ROADSHOW MUSIC
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Ah! Now, this looks interesting! - Interesting.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- We've seen rather a lot of this porcelain today.- Have you really?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02And if I just...turn it over...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Ah. There's a mark.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06That's right.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Any idea what the mark means?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Well, I have, but I'd like to hear your views, as the expert.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Well, this is a mark...
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Well, they've actually written "Wallace Pottery, Hanley."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Hanley. That's right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25- Which makes me think it's probably not Chinese.- Not Chinese?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29And the little price label, 75p -
0:22:29 > 0:22:30pence, I suppose -
0:22:30 > 0:22:35would lead me to believe it's not worth a great deal on the present market.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38That is interesting!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Anyway... Very nice to see your piece.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Now, somewhere along the line...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Hello. ..the top of this went missing.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52So I know it's not worth much,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but we did want to find out a little bit about it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's a blender!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Now you've settled an argument.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05We thought it was.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08But the chappie in the library said...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# God made the world This lovely world
0:23:23 > 0:23:26# The precious sea and sky
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# The sun that shines The stream that winds
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# Each cloud that passes by
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# God made each flower Each blade of grass
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Each tall and sturdy tree
0:23:35 > 0:23:39# He made this lovely anorak
0:23:39 > 0:23:42# Especially for me! #
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Good morning! Thank you for calling the Mayflower Hotel, Nottingham.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57This is Samantha, how may I help?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00PHONE BEEPS
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Ran out of money!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Can I have my bill, please? 319.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10319, sir. Ariadne, could you just check this gentleman's bill for me?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Certainly, Samantha. Won't keep you a minute longer than necessary, sir.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Good!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Have you used your lavish minibar?
0:24:19 > 0:24:25No. The key didn't work. And nobody down here answered the phone.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Thank you for your feedback.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31I hope this didn't spoil your stay unbearably.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Oh, no, that was relatively minor!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37My bath was filthy, the radio didn't work.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39The TV was faulty.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I ordered coffee and rolls,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44two hours later I got some cold cocoa and a trouser-press!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Whilst deploring these occurrences,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51the Mayflower Nottingham cannot be held responsible for any of them.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Unfortunate, isn't it, Ariadne?- Yes.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Our hands our tied.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You see, the Mayflower Hotel Nottingham
0:25:01 > 0:25:04can't really bring itself to give a toss.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12The windows didn't open! Very dangerous in a fire!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15But the most appalling thing is that every floor
0:25:15 > 0:25:17is crawling with call girls!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's absolutely deplorable!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I'll just explain your bill, sir.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26- Breakfast, drinks from the bar, room service and valet.- Hm.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33What's this? "TRT £150".
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Tart, sir.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I never had a tart!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Ariadne, could you just check for me, if 319 was down for a tart?
0:25:41 > 0:25:47319 ordered continental breakfast, a tart and a Daily Telegraph.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I never had a woman in the room!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Did you get your Telegraph?
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Yes! Look! I'm not paying for a tart I never had! This is ludicrous!
0:25:58 > 0:26:03- You'll be revisiting us, sir? - I wouldn't have thought so!
0:26:03 > 0:26:08- We can't actually refund your £150 because of the computer.- Computer.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- We can delete the item.- Good.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And give you a voucher for that amount.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16What?
0:26:16 > 0:26:21And on your next visit, you're entitled to one free tart...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23And one courtesy shower cap.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Appalling! Where's the managing director?
0:26:27 > 0:26:33- In Parkhurst, isn't he, Ariadne?- I believe so, Samantha.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Well, I won't be leaving it there!
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- Thank you for your custom.- And for the £150. We're going to split it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Hello, Tracy. Thank you for leaning on the desk at Mayflower Nottingham.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52Cash, please. 319. He had an all-night. 150 quid.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57319? He said he hadn't had a girl!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I only got dressed half an hour ago.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Hoppin' mad cos he never got his Daily Telegraph.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11ACORN ANTIQUES THEME TUNE
0:27:12 > 0:27:15THEME MUSIC STOPS
0:27:15 > 0:27:19How many people tune in every night to hear that oh-so-familiar music?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21About 54.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24But what goes on behind the scenes?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25What don't the public see?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Let's see what exactly does or doesn't go into the making of Acorn Antiques.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'Get out!'
0:27:37 > 0:27:40If it's raining, dig it up again!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42'It's 7 o'clock Monday morning,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45'and Marion Clune, Acorn Antiques' feared executive producer
0:27:45 > 0:27:48'knocks the week's scripts into shape.'
0:27:48 > 0:27:54Right! Tuesday, Blake. Not bad.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Thursday, Robert. Not totally bananas about the AIDS story.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Would Mrs Overall know what a condom is?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05She could call it a "commdomm".
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Yes, that's very good. We'll use it.
0:28:08 > 0:28:14But I think this AIDS idea is a teensy bit overplayed.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Let's box a wee bit dangerous here.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I'm talking off the top of my hairdo but let's go for it.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Earwax!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23It's an issue, it's health.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Suppose Berta gets earwax... No, she finds a syringe.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Could I throw something in here, Marion?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Feel free. Molto libre.
0:28:32 > 0:28:37Perhaps AIDS has more potential, dramatically, than earwax.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44You're fired. Don't talk to the press if you like having kneecaps.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Watkins, Monday. Funny way to spell "Acorn".
0:28:47 > 0:28:50'And those very scripts end up here,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53'where actors and director sweat to produce the magic
0:28:53 > 0:28:55'that is Acorn Antiques.'
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Phone down, turn to Derek. Yes?
0:28:59 > 0:29:03- Then I look questioningly at you. - Will you? So...
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- That was Immigration, Derek... - HE INHALES
0:29:07 > 0:29:11- Are you going to do that? I'll leave a gap.- No, it's my tooth again.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16- Immigration. Not good news.- Miss Babs?- Can't we cut "Miss Babs"?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19It's Bab, Bab, Bab every two minutes. Anyone mind? Simon?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21No? OK.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26You're to catch the first train to Kirkcudbright tomorrow.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27It's Kir-coo-bree.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30I know that. Babs wouldn't. Simon?
0:29:30 > 0:29:34- Then I'm sort of stunned by the news, isn't it?- No idea.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38- So I go...- Camera's on me anyway...
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Right, Simon? Yes?
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Tea break? Simon? Yes?
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Are you very much like the parts you play? Are you Mrs Overall?
0:29:49 > 0:29:53I think Bo and I are rather alike, Paul, yes.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- Who's Bo?- Boadicea. Overall.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59We're both rather gutsy ladies.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Very determined. Strong moral sense.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06We've both had rather difficult lives.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09A certain amount of personal loss.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11They're both very warm and very giving.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Bless you for that, my darling!
0:30:14 > 0:30:18But I'm younger and, I hope, rather more attractive!
0:30:20 > 0:30:23So the famous lumpy tights and varicose veins,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25that just goes on with the make-up?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Have you got the crossword, Derek, my darling?- Erm...
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Are you one big happy family? Do you all get on well?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39I should say, on the whole...
0:30:39 > 0:30:40no.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43There's been a lot in the press
0:30:43 > 0:30:47about a feud between you and younger members of the cast.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Dear Paul, I'm a huge, huge star.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56This is the price I pay.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00- Look how the press treated poor Yorkie.- Fergie.- Fergie.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05'Thursday is for outside filming.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09'A tricky shot is being discussed.'
0:31:09 > 0:31:14So Mrs Overall comes out of the shop, takes out the letter, posts it
0:31:14 > 0:31:17and goes back into the shop. Go!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19- There's no pillar box.- So...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Mickey! Here! Now!- Yes, Miss Clune?
0:31:22 > 0:31:24You don't...chew...gum!
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Take it out.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Give it to me.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30You're fired.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33- What was that?- No pillar box!
0:31:33 > 0:31:36No problem! Nila problema!
0:31:36 > 0:31:41Slip in a line, "Oh, Miss Babs, the pillar box has been stolen by terrorists.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"What a palaver."
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- And pick that up in another story later?- No.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Bo, how are they? Has this terrible rain brought them on again?
0:31:51 > 0:31:52They're fine.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I'm fine. Kenny, if you could hover with my Veganin.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56I'll be here.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Small change. Pillar box has been stolen.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- So I come out...- Come out.- ..walk, walk, walk to the pillar box...
0:32:03 > 0:32:05"Blimey, oh, fiddly-bob, no pillar box..."
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- React, react, react...- That's it...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- It's here!- Ah! Back to plan A!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Oh, there is a pillar box!
0:32:12 > 0:32:16First there's no pillar box, then one appears. What next? No pavement?
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- So...- Do you mind? This is rather a tricky manoeuvre.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It's rather fussing being filmed as one is working!
0:32:23 > 0:32:27'It's Friday. A quick make-up check before the cameras roll.'
0:32:28 > 0:32:32- So where will I find Mrs Overall? - Her dressing room.
0:32:32 > 0:32:38So I said, "I was wearing leather shorts before George Formby had a ukulele!"
0:32:38 > 0:32:42You all have your own dressing rooms?
0:32:42 > 0:32:43No, not all of us.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Are all these presents...?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48People are so, so, so kind!
0:32:48 > 0:32:52A jobbing actress who scraped to put herself through the RADA!
0:32:52 > 0:32:55I've captured the hearts of the nation.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58It's almost frightening.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02What's this? What is that?
0:33:02 > 0:33:06It's a haemorrhoid preparation, to be brutally frank with you.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08Cut?
0:33:14 > 0:33:18'This is it, the moment when all that hard work pays off.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21'As the actors stand by on the studio floor,
0:33:21 > 0:33:26'Marion and Simon get ready to record episode 1,573
0:33:26 > 0:33:27'of Acorn Antiques.'
0:33:27 > 0:33:31OK! Running up recording! You've done a marvellous week's work!
0:33:31 > 0:33:36Relax, enjoy it, but above all don't touch the antiques!
0:33:36 > 0:33:38I want them back in my lounge in one piece.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Stand by!
0:33:41 > 0:33:42Cue titles.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50ACORN ANTIQUES THEME MUSIC
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- How do you feel?- I won't talk, Paul, my darling.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I just have to gather myself in. Focus. Be.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Coming to two... No, three!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Oh, no, it was two! Now coming to three!
0:34:08 > 0:34:09You're on, Babs!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Love those nostrils!
0:34:13 > 0:34:16And Princess Margaret is so like me. Give, give, give.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Do you mind...? I promised the specialist.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Well...
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Stand by, Mrs Overall.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24On the doorway...three!
0:34:24 > 0:34:28I said, "For you, Lord Telford..." I'm talking, Colin!
0:34:28 > 0:34:34"For you, Lord Telford, it would be a pleasure...and an honour."
0:34:37 > 0:34:41- Where is she? Cue her! - She'll be there.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Be calm. Be calm...
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Come on!
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- You're on!- I'm aware of that, Colin, after 30 years in the business!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Where's the bloody tray!?
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- We'll cope.- It's mentioned!- Hm?
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Mrs Overall! We could smell your bhajis a mile away!
0:35:04 > 0:35:05And do I spy a new tray?
0:35:08 > 0:35:14She'll get us out of it! Come on, Bo! Improvise!
0:35:14 > 0:35:18Yes! I just had to bring it in to show you!
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Take it! Isn't it light?
0:35:21 > 0:35:26Mm! And such a lovely shade of mauve. Look, Clifford!
0:35:26 > 0:35:27Magnificent!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- Shall we cut?- No.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33We professionals notice. Joe Public never clocks a damn thing.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48# It's Friday night I'm getting right excited
0:35:48 > 0:35:50# Picking up my friend at half-past eight
0:35:50 > 0:35:55# We'll boogie down to the hottest spot in town, it's great!
0:35:55 > 0:35:56# Really great
0:35:56 > 0:35:59# Hello Karen Are you coming out now?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02# I were putting on my mousse That's why I'm late
0:36:02 > 0:36:04- # I've done a plait - It's right effective, is that
0:36:04 > 0:36:07# It looks great! Really great!
0:36:10 > 0:36:13# Hiya Pat and Pam D'you fancy coming?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15# Pam's just been stood up She's in a state
0:36:15 > 0:36:17# Well never mind
0:36:17 > 0:36:21- # Come with us and unwind - You'll feel great!- Really great!
0:36:21 > 0:36:23# What is it, a disco or a party?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- # No! - We don't wanna sway or undulate
0:36:26 > 0:36:29# But it's dreamy It's really hot and steamy
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- # It's dead great - It's really great
0:36:31 > 0:36:33- # Where?- Where?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36# At the chippy At the chippy
0:36:36 > 0:36:39# Where the salt stings and the vinegar is drippy
0:36:39 > 0:36:45# Come on through that golden gate
0:36:45 > 0:36:46# It's great!
0:36:47 > 0:36:50# Evening girls What is it - double scallops?
0:36:50 > 0:36:53- # Jumbo sausage?- Nuggets?- Cod? - Or skate?
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- # No chips - THEY SCREAM
0:36:55 > 0:36:57- # Total eclipse! - Unless you wait
0:36:57 > 0:37:01# Yeah that's great At the chippy, we say yippee
0:37:01 > 0:37:03# And our pies never make you gippy!
0:37:03 > 0:37:09# And you won't re-gur-gi-tate!
0:37:09 > 0:37:10# Really great(!)
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- Evening!- Evening!- Evening!- Evening! - BOTH:- Evening!
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- Not so bad.- The weather...- ..could be worse!- That's right.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- # Can we have a bulletin? - The fat is hot!- The chips are in!
0:37:21 > 0:37:24# We're gonna wa-a-a-it!
0:37:26 > 0:37:27# It's great!
0:37:27 > 0:37:30- # The atmosphere is hotting up now! - That's right!
0:37:30 > 0:37:32# The smell of chips begins to permeate
0:37:32 > 0:37:34# It's an event!
0:37:34 > 0:37:38- # Give me that non-Brut condiment! - Just wait!- That's great!
0:37:38 > 0:37:40# At the chippy we go skippy
0:37:40 > 0:37:44# Whoops! The grease does make the lino slippy!
0:37:44 > 0:37:48# But we have to celebrate!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50# Cos it's so great!
0:37:50 > 0:37:52# Really great!
0:37:52 > 0:37:57# We're here...today from at least three streets away
0:37:57 > 0:38:00# We come flying when you're frying!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- # Steady! Eddie!- Chips are ready!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05# At the chippy You go dippy
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- # Burn your tongue - Get grease all round your lippy
0:38:08 > 0:38:13# But it won't ex-as-per-ate!
0:38:13 > 0:38:19- # To the chippy when it's nippy - And you just can't face a Mr Whippy
0:38:19 > 0:38:24# And you will ap-pre-ci-ate!
0:38:24 > 0:38:25# The chippy is great!
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# Just breathing in could make you hyperventilate
0:38:28 > 0:38:31# Chips and Vimto I could drink it by the crate!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33# Daily Mirror's so much nicer than a plate!
0:38:33 > 0:38:36# Bugger yoghurt I think chips rejuvenate!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39# How can you hesitate? Don't it make you salivate?
0:38:39 > 0:38:42# How can we accentuate the fact we don't exaggerate!
0:38:42 > 0:38:46# The chippy's great! #
0:38:57 > 0:38:59It is!
0:39:54 > 0:39:59Well, perhaps not everyone's cup of tea but a jolly nice try all round!
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Later, our popular handyman Ken Chiselit.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Not "Chisel"!
0:40:05 > 0:40:06Excuse me.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10Yes, so, Chiselit. He'll be telling us how a common plastic drainpipe
0:40:10 > 0:40:13can be put to a variety of uses.
0:40:13 > 0:40:18For instance, did you know it makes a marvellous and economical cloche
0:40:18 > 0:40:21for spindly seedlings?
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Just one of Ken's ideas for Doing It Yourself!
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- Oh, Andrew...- Yes?
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Did I explain what happens when you press this switch?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31- Uh, no.- This.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Hello?