0:00:29 > 0:00:31OK, are we rolling? Yeah?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello, this is Outback News, and I'm Tim McKenzie,
0:00:34 > 0:00:35reporting to you live from...
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, hold it there.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- Excuse me, mate. You're in shot. - Oh, sorry. I'll get out of the way.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40OK, no problem.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Am I out of shot now?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43No, you're still in it. Keep walking.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- Am I out of it now? - No, you're still in it.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- How about now?- No. I'll tell you when you're out of it, mate.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Keep walking.- Now?- No.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- How about now? - Oh, someone get security!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53- And now?- No!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- Now?- No!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55- What about now?- No!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- Must be out now. - No, you know you're there, mate.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58- Now?- No!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59- What about now?- No.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00- Now?- No.- OK.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Is this gorilla enough for you? Yeah?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Hey, Keith, Keith! Do that thing where you fart through your head!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10All right, then.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11FARTS
0:01:11 > 0:01:13BOTH LAUGH
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Oh, mate, that was wicked!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# You know it, you know it, You know it!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Hey, Keith, have you been eating tuna again?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Ha-ha, yeah!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Oh, I'm going to the surface for some air!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Oh, that's rank!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30< Thank you for filling out the application, Mr... Bluebeard,
0:01:30 > 0:01:31< is that correct?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Yar!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34< OK. Address.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38< "The five oceans and seven chartered seas vast and untamed."
0:01:38 > 0:01:40< "That be my abode."
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Yar!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43< It says here your occupation is
0:01:43 > 0:01:46< "a-blundering booty and imbibing hearty grog."
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Yar!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50< On the health questionnaire, you've put you have a scar from the
0:01:50 > 0:01:53< "cursed cutlass of the Barbary villain".
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Yar!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58< And final question, can you say anything other than "yar"?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Nar!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03< Next!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06MUSIC: "Seven Nation Army"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12SQUIRREL "PLAYS" PANPIPES
0:02:33 > 0:02:37In some ways, and this is literally just off the top of my head,
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I think I'm more...
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I could be...
0:02:39 > 0:02:41In some ways, I'm like Cher.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, I'll tell you what,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I don't like that man who's just moved in next door.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, he's really creepy.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50THUNDERCLAP
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Oh, hello! Could I trouble you for a cup of sugar, please?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I was getting chased one Tuesday morning,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and one of the cleaners left a tree lying around.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I suffered mild whiplash and couldn't type for a month.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07'Have you been hurt or injured at work?'
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Not your fault?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10'Ever been bitten by a crocodile?'
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Not your fault?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16'Ever been knocked over by the sea?'
0:03:16 > 0:03:18'Or fallen off a rhinoceros?'
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Not your fault?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Well, here at Claims On The Plains,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26we've helped thousands rebuild their lives after accident or injury,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and our team of experts could do the same for you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I was working late in the sea one night,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and someone had left a killer whale lying about.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I felt humiliated.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Claims On The Plains took my case,
0:03:39 > 0:03:44and I received a lump sum of 3,000 squid, and my dignity back.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Where there's blame on a plain, there's a claim.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Terms and conditions apply.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51We will not pursue any action against the tiger community.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57They're off! Away first time in the crab Grand National.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Sideways Glance shows early, then Nipping Boy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Coming up is Giving It All That, then Delicious Dean,
0:04:01 > 0:04:02and then Pincer Movement.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05We have Crusty Crustacean, Soon To Be Paste,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08and I'm Not A Lobster, Nor Do I Taste Like One is bringing up the back.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Giving It All That takes the lead from Sideways Glance,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and Nipping Boy is coming up. What's this?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I'm Not A Hermit And I'm Quite Outgoing shows for the first time.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16He's coming out of his shell.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Just two furlongs to go,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and it's Giving It All That followed by Nipping Boy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Crusty Crustacean almost fell there.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Pincer Movement a little shellfish there.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Onto the home stretch, it's Nipping Boy,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27followed by Giving It All That, then Crusty Crustacean,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30with I'm Not A Hermit making a scuttle from the back.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34But it's Nipping Boy, followed by Pincer Movement
0:04:34 > 0:04:35and Crusty Crustacean.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It's Nipping Boy. Nipping Boy takes it by a claw.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Three, two, one, bungee!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Waaaah!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06SPLASH
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Wow! What a rush!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Oh, hey, I love ants, me. I'll have them in anything.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Ants on toast, ant lasagne, even had an Ant Kiev the other day, man.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Very exotic.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I once went to this place down in London, like,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and I had Queen ant risotto.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, they are lovely.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Much smoother than your worker ants, but about ten times the price,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30you know, but I couldn't have one every day, like.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Very rich. Much like the people who eat them! Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:37 > 0:05:42MUSIC: "Yakety Sax"
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Well, I suppose a lot of my anger issues come from the fact
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I was the youngest.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51My mum never really groomed me like she did with the others,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53and I suppose I felt a little bit left out.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I see.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Then, of course, my sister went to Hollywood on the back of that
0:05:58 > 0:06:01tea advert, my brother was Cheeta in the Tarzan films.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I just felt a bit of a failure.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06OK. Vell, that is the end of your session today, Sebastian,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09and I think we have made a lot of headway, ja?
0:06:09 > 0:06:15But I will see you again next week, und... There is just this one thing.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Yes?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Well, if...
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Yes?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- If you could perhaps... - Spit it out, man.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24If you could wear underpants next time, that would be good.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, OK. Well, you're the doctor. Whatever you say.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Wait for it, wait.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's coming up.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Coming up. Now!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40MUSIC: "Chop Suey" by System Of A Down
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It hurts a bit!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Come on, Linda. Take the photo!
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Hang on a moment. I just need to wind it on. >
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I can't find the button. >
0:06:54 > 0:06:57You don't need to wind it on, it's digital!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Just hold that smile. You look lovely, Ron! >
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Right, do I look through the hole or the little telly on the back? >
0:07:02 > 0:07:05The little telly on the back. Now get on with it!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I can't hold this smile much longer!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Did it flash? >
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Yes! Now check it on the little telly on the back,
0:07:12 > 0:07:13and quickly do one for luck.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, it's all blurry. You look like you're in a sauna. >
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I'll do it again. Hold that smile. Oh, the red light's come on. >
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You're doing a movie, woman! Click the switch back to camera!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25All right, grumpy chops. Keep your scales on! >
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Right, you ready? >
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yeah, and this time, get this lovely twig in.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32So I was down the reef bar, Friday night.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I saw this octopus, I thought "Phwoar, nice legs!"
0:07:34 > 0:07:37And being a leg man, I sidled straight up to her,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40thrown some fierce moves, she's loved it, can't blame her.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Went to the bar, got her a spritzer, when I got back, gone.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Not bothered. Plenty more fish in the sea! Ha-ha!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51# Ask me question, I tell you no lie
0:07:51 > 0:07:54# Ask me no question, I play music. #
0:07:54 > 0:07:57REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Two little ducks, 22. Quack, quack.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Eight and seven, 87!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Two fat ladies, 88!
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Bingo!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Two and four, 24!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Bingo! Bingo! Over here!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Straight to heaven, 47!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Bingo! - < Bingo!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Oh, we have a winner!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What? This is a swiz!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Right, it's that time again. I've got a tough decision to make.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40One of you will be fired.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I've consulted with my eyes and ears on the ground, Nick and Margaret.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It's actually Karen.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I'm talking now!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Simon, you were project manager.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Good project manager?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54MURMURS OF APPROVAL
0:08:54 > 0:08:55No complaints, no complaints.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- That's not what Margaret says. - It's Karen. My name's Karen.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I won't tell you again. I am talking!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02OK, I've made up my mind. Simon.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07With regret, you're tired.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Thank you, Lord Sugar, but you're making a big mistake...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Nick, I think Margaret might need the afternoon off.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14It's Karen!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15She's acting a bit weird.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Argh, I can't get the jar open!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20All right, Kev? How was work?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Que dia miserable! Estaba tarde, como siempre.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Al volver habia problemas en el tren.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Oh, Kevin, I didn't know you could speak Spanish!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32No, nor did I! It's just come on.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Oh, I fancy you all over again! Do a bit more.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Eh... Smblmbplthmb pdrsmakpth...
0:09:41 > 0:09:42No, it's gone.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44You been to the barbers, love?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I see you took the picture of Elton John with you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Yes, I did. They did a fine job.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54# Don't let the sun go down on me! #
0:09:55 > 0:09:59'Tonight, on Bingeing Beasts Go Ballistic,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02'more sickening scenes of the antisocial mayhem that's shaming the
0:10:02 > 0:10:06'natural world, and making certain parts of the jungle a no-go area.'
0:10:08 > 0:10:12'This pie-eyed panda can barely stand, but is still having a pop.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16'The reason for this madness? Someone spilt his bamboo.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'The black and white waster was so out of it,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21'he ended up trying to start a fight with a tree.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24'Talking of trees, these grogged-up goats have got themselves
0:10:24 > 0:10:27'stuck up one after a heavy session.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'It might have been a laugh at the time,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'but they'll be shamefaced when the emergency services turn up.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34'Muppets!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36'It's just after closing time,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39'and this mashed-up marsupial is itching for a fight.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41'A flippant comment made by the roo on the right
0:10:41 > 0:10:45'about the bagginess of his wife's pouch has pushed him over the edge.'
0:10:48 > 0:10:52'His wife tries to pacify the situation, but the mouthy kanga
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'that's caused this ruck just goads her own even more.'
0:10:56 > 0:10:59'The situation is now out of control.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03'Thankfully, a concerned rabbit has tapped out 999 on the jungle drums,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06'and it's not long before the elite police tusk force
0:11:06 > 0:11:07'arrive at the scene.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09'With the threat of zoo hanging over him,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13'this kangaroo will think twice before kicking off again.'
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Oh.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Oh!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Oh, my word!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Flipping heck!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27It's... It's...
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Shelia!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Put the kettle on! We've got guests!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Is it the aliens again?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Yep!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Well, they're not coming in! They left a terrible mess the last time.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46# Lets their wings unfold
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Dave, take your headphones out. I'm stuck in the...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Dave, Dave. Take your headphones out.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Dave, I'm stuck. I've got my foot stuck. Dave!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Dave! Dave! Dave, can you take...? Dave!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01David! Dave!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03# ..loving angels instead. #
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Dave, mate, I've got my thing stuck in the mud.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07# Through it all...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09# She offers me protection
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Dave, take your headphones out!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13# A lot of love and affection
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Dave! Dave!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Dave! Dave! I've... ow!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Dave! Dave, come on!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22David! David!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Dave! Dave!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Shoot! Shoot!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36GUNSHOT
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh! I didn't think he'd do it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43MUSIC: "Isn't She Lovely" by Stevie Wonder
0:12:43 > 0:12:46# Isn't she lovely. #
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hmmmmm.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Can anyone hear that?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yeah, it's coming from over there.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Hannah, are you humming?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Right, it's not Hannah, so where is it coming from?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hannah, do you know where it's coming from?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08It's annoying!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09It's going to send us all mad.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hannah, is it bothering you?
0:13:11 > 0:13:17Hmmmmmm. Mm-mm. Hmmmmmm.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ro?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Rowena?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Ro?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Ro-bot?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Kids?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Where is everybody?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Is it Wednesday today?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm sure it was Wednesday this morning.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36They should be here if it's Wednesday.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh, now, this is weird.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Kids?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Rowena?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Hang about, this isn't my tree!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49How stupid do I feel? There's my tree, next door.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I feel a right pudding-head!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54What am I like?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56This time you're on your own.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57What if I miss it?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Just feel it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I think I'm going to miss it.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Now!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah! I got it!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07You rock!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Thanks!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Here, Johnno, pull me flipper. I'm going to do one of me head farts.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Oh, Keith, no way, man. That last one made me gag.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, come on, mate.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I've got a belly full of tuna, and a head full of fart, all right?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Oh, go on, then.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24There she blows!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26FARTS
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, Keith, I caught that one in the face!
0:14:28 > 0:14:33# Yeah, you caught it, you caught it, you caught it. #
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Keith, you need to let it go, soft lad.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah, I did let it go!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I'm going up to the surface for some air. That's disgusting!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44MUSIC: "All The Single Ladies" by Beyonce
0:14:44 > 0:14:47We all looking so hot this evening, ladies!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Yeah, all we need now is some arm candy.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52We need to get down Shimmers and get ourselves some fit footballers.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oh, no, look who it is.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Hello, ladies. Looking fine on this fair evening.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Where are we all off to tonight?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Go away, Colin. - Yeah, get lost, Colin.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Well, nice talking to you, ladies. Probably see you later.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Probably won't!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08How'd it go then, Colin?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Yeah, got loads of numbers, gave out a few raffle tickets
0:15:11 > 0:15:14that I'll be cashing in later, if you get my drift!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Whoaaaa!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You always get all the good birds.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That's the Colinator 3000.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Not out in the shops yet. Laters, lads.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# At the copa, Copacabana
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# Music and fashion Is always the passion
0:15:28 > 0:15:29# At the copa...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Hey! Are you filming me in the bath?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Get out! Howay, man, I'm naked!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35You'd better not put it on YouTube!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38'Fur feeling too tight?'
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Me fur's getting a bit tight.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42'Hiding choccies in your pouch?'
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's for emergencies, mate.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46'Wallaby fatter than you are?'
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Oh, OK.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Then you need me, The Champ.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52For the price of a packet of biscuits,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55you can get my seven-day jumpstart weight loss programme.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It's on a DVD. It's not like your regular daggy workout.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Oh, no.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I can guarantee that after seven days, if you don't feel
0:16:09 > 0:16:12like a ruddy rockstar, you can have your blinking money back.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17But I'll say this - if it didn't work, you didn't try hard enough!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Suitable for all fat marsupials and mammals. Not fish! No refunds.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26OK, everybody.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31It's week one of our new production, Close-up Of Ross Kemp's Head.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39So, like the great Houdini, I will dangle
0:16:39 > 0:16:42high in the sky from a single branch.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Unaided.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48But, unlike Houdini, I will stay here, not for one hour,
0:16:48 > 0:16:54not for four hours, not 24 hours, but 25 hours!
0:16:56 > 0:17:01For the next 25 hours, I will hang from this branch.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I will eat nothing. I will drink nothing. I will simply hang.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09This is more than illusion, more than magic. This is daring magic!
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I may die doing this. No-one has ever done anything like this before.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Hello, David. >
0:17:16 > 0:17:17All right, Robert.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Aaaah!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Ugh!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, you idiot!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Oh, this is very embarrassing. Oh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"
0:17:47 > 0:17:48PHONE RINGS
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hey, Fliss, where are you?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'm here, where are you?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- I'm here!- Where? - Here!- Where?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- By the grass!- The green grass?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Yeah!- Oh, hang on, I've got an incoming call.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Jenny, are you here? - Yeah, I can't see you guys.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Oh, I must get back to work. My lunch break's over.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Yeah, me too. Let's try again tomorrow.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Lovely not seeing you!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You too. Bye!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Hey, Darren, have you tried that new toothpaste?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Yeah, it's horrible. You sure it's not bubble bath?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Of course it's not, you idiot.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Norman, have you tried the new toothpaste?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23No, it's disgusting. It's made my gums go all numb.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I've lost control of my lips!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I think it's nice. Minty fresh.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Goodness, that was a wonderful starter.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I'm bordering on full already.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34But they were amazing.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Yeah. Very moreish.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39That dip, it was magnificent. What was it? Garlic?
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Houmous, I think. Lovely. Go easy on the sardines, Steve.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We've still got two courses to go.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I feel so bloated. Do I look bloated?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Hang on. I might just have one more.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53HE COUGHS
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Steve...
0:18:54 > 0:18:55EXPLOSION
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Whoa, pants on fire!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Crumbs. Whoa. Whoa!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01That just happened!
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Gentlemen, I see your friend has exploded.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Will you still be wanting your main course?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Yeah.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11It's what he would have wanted.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Yeah, yeah. We'll have this, and then we'll tell his wife.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Very good, sirs.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Yes, Doctor.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22As you know, my mother's domineering presence loomed large
0:19:22 > 0:19:24over my formative years.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Mm-hmm.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Through the work we've been doing in these sessions,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I can now see that a lot of the problems
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I face in forging relationships stem from that dysfunctional dynamic.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Zat is time, I'm afraid, Sebastian.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Next veek, ve vill vork through the break-up of your second marriage,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42und, in the meantime, I have a question for you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Oh, yes?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Erm...
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Yes, Doctor?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Do you...?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Oh, spit it out, man.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Do you possess underpants?- Ugh!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Yes!
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Boobs!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- You what?- Sorry, did I just say that out loud?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh...!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06What is left for me now?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Why did they cancel The Bill?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Oh, Sun Hill, how I shall miss thee!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19SINGS THEME FROM "THE BILL"
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Night-time.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Daytime!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Night-time.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Daytime!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Night-time.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Daytime!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Honestly, Gareth.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I'm not called Gareth any more.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40What are you called now?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Night-time Daytime! New name!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It's been over a year now.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Night-time....
0:20:46 > 0:20:48It's not going to catch on, you know.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I've got my own Facebook group. 470 members!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Daytime!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57And I saw it come down, about 45 inches from goal,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and I am just belting it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Looked up, it's gone straight past the keeper into the back of the net.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05That is a contender for goal of the season, that is.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Last time we played that lot, that's when I got my hat-trick.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, yeah, and we ran them all over the riverbank, didn't we?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I don't think they even got a touch first half.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15They never. It was boys versus men.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Are you all right, Tom?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Er, no.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I think my wife's having an affair.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Oh.- Hm.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Are... Are we still top of the league?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Yeah, yeah. Goal difference.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Hm.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Right.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I've made my decision.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Andrew.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47MUSIC CONTINUES
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Is it all right if I go to the toilet, Lord Sugar?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12No! I'm building up tension!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Thanks for the opportunity, Lord Sugar, but I'm desperate.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Hey, Jaymo. How's it going, brother?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Not so bad. Hey, like your shoes. Nice.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Do you think? I'm not so sure, mate. Bit showy, you know.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Got it off that eBay.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They're vintage, but there's no way they're an eight. Proper tight.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You've just got to break them in. They're always tight first.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Suits you, though. Really brings out the colour in your gorgeous eyes.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Aaaaanyway. You see the old football last night?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Great game, great game. You?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Yeah, I went down the disco, met a few birds.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I bet you did, I bet you did.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Let's not mention this again.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Yeah, deal, yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Aaa-tchoooo!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Sorry about that one, there, pal.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Is that phlegm or venom?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's phlegm, don't worry. I've just got a bit of a cold.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Starting to sting a bit. Are you sure that's phlegm?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Aye.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Well, you could at least cover your mouth!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17With what? How?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Atchoo!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20SNAKE COLLAPSES
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Aye, it's venom, so it was.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27MUSIC: "The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Hiya, love. You all right?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yeah, just being silly.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Oh, what's up? You can tell me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40No, no, it's nothing. It's nothing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Come on, spit it out!
0:23:43 > 0:23:49Well, do you think my horns are a bit girly?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51No, don't you dare!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Who's been putting silly ideas like that in your head?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Oh, just some of the lads at work, you know, they mentioned it,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01saying they're not very manly,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and that even Barbara in accounts has got bigger horns.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06That is ridiculous! You're all man.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10You're my big, hunky sheep and I love you!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13"You?" How are you spelling that? Like a female sheep?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Oh, there's no point talking to you when you're like this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I just don't want the lads to think I'm not, you know,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21manly and butch as the rest of them.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I tell you what.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Shall I run you a bath with lots of candles and put Buble on?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Oh, that would be smashing!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Can you make us a fruit tea, as well?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Course I can!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35# ..People are the same...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43# Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# Learn to give each other
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# What we need to survive
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Together alive
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# Ebony
0:24:59 > 0:25:00# And ivory
0:25:00 > 0:25:06# Live together in perfect harmony
0:25:06 > 0:25:12# Side by side on my piano keyboard
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# Oh Lord, why don't we? #
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- I love you, man. - I love you too, man.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Oh, my word!
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Goodness me. It's... It's... It's...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It's...
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Sheila!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Are you decent?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38We've got guests!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Is it the aliens again?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yeah.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I'm in the shower. And anyway, they can't just turn up uninvited.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Well, I don't complain when your friends pop round!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Well, my friends don't leave a trail of green slime
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and drink straight from the toilet bowl!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I've told you, Sheila! It's just their way.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Nice day today.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Think I might... Is that Alan?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Alan! Al! Alan!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No, I don't think you can hear me, you know.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Alan! Alan! Al!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh, that's not Alan.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's Steve, that, Steve.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Steve! Steve! Steve!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Hey-ho-hooo.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Oh.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Ooooh.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oooooh! Hey!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Oooh!
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Oh.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh-oh-oh!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Oooh! Oh!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Oh, I shouldn't have eaten that spacehopper.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52MUSIC: "I Vow To Thee, My Country"
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Is it videoing now?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Yes, Ma'am.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05'Ello, you lot.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07As you sit there, with the families,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10with the massive dinner with all the trimmings and crackers
0:27:10 > 0:27:14and the little sausages wrapped up in bacon, spare a thought for me.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15I've had a very busy year,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19and not all of it was going to the racing and giving out medals.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I had that silly business with my grandson dressing
0:27:21 > 0:27:24up as a zebra to deal with in February.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I had to open a youth centre.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It was noisy, and they wouldn't let me have a go at their ping-pong.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31It's been an annus baddus for Queenie!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34So, yes, think on, before you start moaning about anything else.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38It's not easy at the top, so, erm, Merry Christmas.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Ding, Dong, Merrily On High, and all that.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42With love, as ever, your Queen.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Was that all right, Geoffrey?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- Lovely, Ma'am.- Yeah, it was.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, no, that's not Steve. That is Alan.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Alan! Alan! Al!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Did someone just say my name?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Did you say Alan?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd