0:00:29 > 0:00:35- Hello. Hello, there. You look nice. - Ooh, I like your house.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What lovely knickknacks.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40I think your should make more of a feature of your knickknacks -
0:00:40 > 0:00:41they're exquisite.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45We don't have any, but if we did, we would make a feature for them.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Lecture over. Cheerio. Bye.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Do I look awake? I feel awake.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I've had six coffees, a mochaccino and a biscotti. It cost a bomb!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I've spent a week's wages already and it's only 10:00.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Tell me about it. I've had seven coffees and a double flappuccino -
0:00:58 > 0:01:00it cost loads. Worth it, though - I feel brilliant!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03One more coffee each or we'll never get up tonight.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Where are we going again? - Stringfeathers.- BOTH:- Nice!
0:01:06 > 0:01:10SHE YAWNS
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Oops, sorry. No, I am listening - tell me more about your kids.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I can't believe this. Some friends they are.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22They organise a party to celebrate
0:01:22 > 0:01:25pulling through a triple bypass operation
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- and not one of them shows up. - Surprise!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, my heart!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30THUD
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Yes, I thought that might be a bad idea.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sorry, mate! (Call the ambulance.)
0:01:34 > 0:01:36THEY LAUGH
0:01:37 > 0:01:43No! That's good! I keep doing it!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- It's so funny!- I know!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I know! It's hilarious!
0:01:50 > 0:01:56- All right, once more... Once more. Are you ready?- Yeah! Yeah!- OK.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Picture the scene - one of us, right...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..walks into the bar...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:11..up comes the barman, who says, bold as brass...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:16.."Why the long face?!"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"Why the long face?!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Whoo!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Eurgh, what a day.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Network crash, lost my wallet, phone's run out of battery -
0:02:34 > 0:02:35couldn't get any worse.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Eurgh! Oh....
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Cracking stuff.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, here is Edgar Trolls, the Ghanaian, and a big crowd favourite.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51He's been dominant this season - and he's over! He's almost over.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53The bar there is at 42 centimetres,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57which means a new championship record. He's still going.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00He's making it look like a training jump, really.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Yes, he is still going - and he's over - a good, clean landing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08And the bar stays up! The bar stays up!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He's just clipped it on the way, but it stays up.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14That's great, and the crowd are going wild, and so they should!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Yes, he had an enormous amount of expectation on his shoulders, but
0:03:17 > 0:03:20he took the jump incredibly well - look at the effort on his face.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23And it's a huge jump, really - he cleared it by a mile.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That's serious high jumping, that's what I'm talking about.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28And deservedly, Trolls has got the gold.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Shouldn't have had that 12th coffee.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I can't blink any more and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I don't get it. Mary had the same as me and she went to bed hours ago.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Tell me about it! I tried to go to bed, but rang one of those late-night quiz thingies.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Name something a woman keeps in her handbag.- What was it? A mouse?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47That's what I said - then I said phone, lipstick, taxi numbers.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- What was the answer?- Spatula. They're just making them up now.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Hello there. I'm Vernon Brooks, I'm your examiner for today's test.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Michael, how many times have you done the test?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- This will be my fifth time.- OK. And you, Alison?- I've failed four times.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02OK, so you know what's in store. There's no need to worry.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You're holding position one really well -
0:04:04 > 0:04:06we'll soon be ready to move off.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Remember to look all around you, give a clear signal,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10relax, and then, in your own time,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12just start flapping your wings really, really fast
0:04:12 > 0:04:15until you take off.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18In your own time.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Feel free to move off whenever you're ready.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27MUSIC: "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce
0:04:29 > 0:04:31RECORD SCRATCHES
0:04:43 > 0:04:46RECORD SCRATCHES
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And...in your own time.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Feel free to... pull out whenever you're ready.
0:05:02 > 0:05:09- Hugh!- What?- Hugh!- What?- Question Time's on!- Question Time?! Now?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Question Time!- Question Time?- We're going to miss it! Who's on the panel?
0:05:13 > 0:05:17I think it's Paddy Ashdown, George Osborne and Ross Kemp On Gangs.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- Sweet!- Smashing line-up.- Oh, no, wait - it's just an advert for it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23I thought it was a bit early.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Nailed it. Perfect blending.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Me, branch, branch, me - invisible to all.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Eh up - what's this on t'twig?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, back to the drawing board, I suppose.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40OK, the test is now complete, and unfortunately this time,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- it is a fail for both of you. - Oh, no, not again.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I'm never going to get my licence.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I'm failing you both for not using your wing mirrors.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Oh, Richard - good to see you. How are the Spanish lessons coming on?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Not too bad, thank you, Neil. - Not long till holiday now.- No, no.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Dos weeks.- You seem to be rattling through those language tapes.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Yes, indeed, I'm on tape dos of three.- Lovely stuff.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05I hope you got a bargain -
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I hear it's a good time to book at the moment.- I couldn't go wrong.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Dos weeks all-inclusive, dos-star hotel, dos hundred notes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Lovely stuff. Are the kids going with you?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No, they're going to be staying at Carol's mum's,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19so it's just going to be the dos of us.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Well, if I don't see you, have a great trip.- Muchas gracias.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26HE SPEAKS IN FLUENT SPANISH
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Pack it in, Rich.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Night-time...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Daytime!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Night-time...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Daytime!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Night-time...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Daytime!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- What are you doing?- Having a game of Night-time daytime! You want to play?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46No, you're all right - I've got an Xbox.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Ssh! Ssh.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57MUSIC: "Spring" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi
0:07:15 > 0:07:17MUSIC DRAWS TO AN END
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- APPLAUSE - Bravo, bravo!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Oh, no - here he is, Jumping Justin.- Good day to you, boys.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Oh, look at me, I'm Jumping Justin. See how I prance, what, what!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:34It's called style, Leonard - style! And you're a savage.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- "Oh, I'm Jumping Justin!" - No, I'm Jumping Justin!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No, I'M Jumping Justin!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- You're all fools, goodbye.- Ooh!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- He's cool, though.- Yes, nice moves.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- I wish he'd hang around with us more.- I really like him.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Oh, hello there. Welcome to the village.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Glad to see someone's moved into the old vicarage.- What? Why're you glad? Who are you?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I'm Lorraine, I'm on the committee.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Committee? What committee?
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- I could organise some of the Scouts to clear your front garden for you. - What's wrong with it? It's fine.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yes, dear, but we've been voted prettiest village in the show
0:08:11 > 0:08:14for the last 19 years, and it's that time of year again.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Prettiest village? Couldn't give two hoots. Hoot! See? Just one.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- That's all you're getting.- Yes, but it's just that...- Shut up!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Well, I really think...- Shut up!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- But the neighbourhood! - I told you, shut up!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Well, what an awful skank!
0:08:27 > 0:08:32- Si-i-id.- Who's that?- This is your conscience, Sid.- What?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- You've been a very naughty boy, Sid. - I ain't.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Leaving them banana skins on the floor so people slipped on them.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- No, I didn't. The bin bag, it ripped.- bin bags?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- To dispose of biodegradable banana skins? You must be punished. - What? No!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Ha-ha! Gets him every time!
0:08:49 > 0:08:54MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Ow!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Heh-heh!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Heh-heh!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Oh, Kevin - that's a lovely tribute. - I just miss him, Mum.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Karen! Karen! It's a Spitfire, love.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Oh, have a listen to that.- Oh.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Rolls-Royce Merlin 45 supercharged V12 engine - what a beauty!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I suppose it's better than his Morris dancing phase.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Can you come inside and wash your hands now, please, Cristiano?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Ah, Mum - can't Jamie stay for dinner?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- No, it's time for Jamie to go home. - Oh, Mum, please?- I said no.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Oh, Jamie's mum lets him stay out.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Well, I'm not Jamie's mum, am I? Jamie, come here, please.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I said go home!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Now, you, bath - now!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Dean, at last, where have you been? We're meant to be going out.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Sorry, Rach, but have I got a treat for you!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Oh, no - what have you gone and bought now?- Hear me out.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00We're meant to be saving for the new nest.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But I got us something for the nest.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Oh, OK - was it that bedding I showed you?- It's better than that.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've had a state-of-the-art, quadraphonic,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10digital home-entertainment centre fitted.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Oh, no.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Bass! How low can you go?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Check it out, Rach! - It's hurting my head.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- That'll be the sub-woofer! - Turn it off!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22IT GOES OFF
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Oh! Thank you.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- I thought you LIKED music.- We agreed to consult on major purchases.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32MUSIC GOES ON You what, love? I can't hear ya!
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- It just keeps going off - I'll have to get it looked at.- Gah!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40OK, boys - plankton break over. Pull your fish fingers out, come on.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42We have some scuba divers approaching.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47You know the drill - everyone into position. OK...two, three, four.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Duh-duh.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Duh-duh.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54THEY SING THE "JAWS" THEME TUNE
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Louder, boys - louder! Give me fortissimo. More cello, Roger.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Use the gills. Brian, I love it! You're even scaring me. Andrew!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Andrew, are you chewing?- No.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Well, I hope you brought enough for everyone. Come on, spit it out.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17OK, back into positions. And one, two...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- DANCE MUSIC PLAYS - Oh, yeah - going down Shimmers!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Oh, disaster - there's a massive queue here.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25We're never going to get in.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Don't worry, Jenny put us on the guest list. She knows the bouncer.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Oh, result - good old Jenny. - Hi, I'm... Argh!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Er, did you, like, totally eat my mate?- Aye. What about it?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Well, it was his birthday. - Well, he wasn't on the list.- He was.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Jenny put him on the list. - Oh. Was his name Andy?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48- Yes, Andy Connor-Smyth.- Yes, Jenny did actually tell us about him.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Are you going to mention this to Jenny?- Yes, I am - this is an outrage.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Sorry, mate - that was the wrong answer.- Uh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Excuse me, I'm having a bit of trouble with my wing.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- I think it's broken. Can anyone help? - Do I know anyone who can help?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Gather round, brothers and sisters! Join me!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Are you ready to receive the healing? Ready to receive the light?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Feel the power and feel the love.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17If feeling the love is wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- I don't believe it! Look, everyone - he's healed my broken wing.- Behold!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25He believed and now he has received the healing.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Hang on, it's still broken. - Nonbeliever!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Oh, no, it is working again. - It's a miracle!
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Pele, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka, Kaka! Kaka...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Kaka...
0:12:38 > 0:12:46Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oal!
0:12:48 > 0:12:54Brazi-i-i-i-i-il!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56ROCK MUSIC
0:13:04 > 0:13:05What you looking at?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You want some? Eh?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Well, gertcha!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Why don't you take a picture?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Yeah, I was watching that Deal Or No Deal. You seen that?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Don't see no point to it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Giving it all that, "Blue box, red box, banker, Noel Edmonds, eh?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Bonkers, bonkers, it's Mr Blobby." Eh?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Rubbish.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Two little posh lads celebrating a birthday?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38No, can't help you, officer. Eh?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Oh, Arnold - the brigade - the best years of our lives.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Brigade is a wonderful place to be when there's no wars on.- Here, here.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Gives a chap a sense of purpose - endless days filled with brekkie, bit of marching around,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56showers, bit of lunch, round of golf, bath, 40 winks,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58then down to the mess for G&Ts at 5:00. Bliss.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04- That's the life. - Arnold! Are we under attack? - Quite possibly, Alistair.- Quick!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Dust down my blunderbuss. Show yourselves, you cowards!
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- How does my moustache look, Arnold?- Fearsome.- Good show. Thought as much.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Come on, Billy - everybody's going in.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Look, be a big, brave boy now.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- No, Mum - I'm scared!- Come on. The first day of term should be exciting.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29- You make lots of new friends. - I don't want any new friends. They've got you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Look, love - you can't live in my mouth all your life.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- You've got to fly the nest one day. - Please, Mum?- No, no, no. Let go!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Come on! You'll be fine. - I won't be fine!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I'll go to school, everybody hates me, they talk about me behind my back,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48they say I smell and my neck wobbles when I talk.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- You have to go in, darling. - But why do I?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Cos you're the headmaster.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55HE LAUGHS
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Oh, dear. He's trying to compose himself, but...
0:14:59 > 0:15:00HE LAUGHS
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Oh, classic.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09John, I never thought I'd laugh so much. Big-nosed monkey snooker.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye
0:15:12 > 0:15:16# I've been really trying, baby
0:15:18 > 0:15:22# Trying to hold back these feelings for so long
0:15:24 > 0:15:29# And if you feel like I feel, baby
0:15:29 > 0:15:32# Come on, oh, come on
0:15:32 > 0:15:35# Ooh, let's get it on
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# Ah, babe... #
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Boo!- ALL: Argh!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Ha-ha - gets them every time!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Oh, Wendy.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Wendy, Wendy - there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- right now.- I know exactly what you mean, Stephen.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- You make me feel like it's just me and you versus the world.- Wendy?- Yes?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Wendy? Will you...?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- All right, lovebirds. Mind if I come and join youse?- Actually, Phil...
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Wendy and I would...- Thanking you. - Ouch! Phil, we were actually...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Don't mind me. You won't even notice I'm here.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- When is he going to move out? - He's your brother. - Any of those Wagon Wheels left?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- MUSIC ON - Sorry, Rach - we're going to just have to wait
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- until the batteries run down. - I'm leaving you, Dean.- All right.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Two sugars, but only if you're making one for yourself!
0:16:22 > 0:16:27And the Lord said go forth and spit, for you are llama, my child,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and spitting is in your blood.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33And the llama did spit and cover all the earth with his spit.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And his wife did spit and his children did spit
0:16:36 > 0:16:37and their children did spit.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42And now, he says to us, spit, for it is your right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Blessed all that spit, for they shall know heaven.- Speak up!- Shh!
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- Mum, quiet. I can't hear a word he's saying.- Shh!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Oi! Will you shut up?- Did he say blessed are those that knit?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02It refers to anyone involved in the manufacturing of textile products.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07- Oh, good - well, I'm in.- You don't knit.- Will you blooming shut up?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Language! And Terry, stop chewing so loudly.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15I'll chew if I want to - I'm a llama. That's essentially what I do.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Yes, we chew and we knit.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- He didn't say knit, he said blessed are those that spit.- ALL: Oh!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Oh, that IS nice.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- He looks like he's going to ask me. - I think I'm going to ask her.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- I wish he'd just ask me.- I should ask her.- Why won't he ask me?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- What if she says no? - I'm not going to say no.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Come on, don't be a wimp - just ask.- Be a man and just ask.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Ask!- Ask!- Ask!
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- Ahem... Do you like cheese?- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, dagger in the heart.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, there's Emma - I might say hello.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Right, there's no-one around, I'm safe.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- SHE PASSES WIND - Emma!- Oh, typical.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00This is typical. Hiya, Trace. Come on, clear! Cor, it's thick!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Don't come up!- Why? - I've got chickenpox.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- It's all right, I've had it. - This is the new one, from...Taiwan.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Oh, no - that's terrible.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Chickenpox, on top of your rancid bum burps?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15You poor lamb.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17All right, chief - word to the wise.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's tough around here, so you've got to gain respect.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's all about how you present yourself. You've got to look tough.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28People see me on the street, they know not to mess. I'm menacing.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30What you need is a proper tough walk.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Be lucky.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Be lucky.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Be lucky.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Oh, at last, he's gone. What a frightful imposition.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- No matter, dear. What were you saying?- Yes, erm...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Well, this last year has been the most wonderful of all my life
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and, well, I was wondering if you would do me the great honour of...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- of becoming my... - All right, you two?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It's like Piccadilly Circus out there. I am rough.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I've eaten three nets of them BabyBels -
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I forgot to take the wax off!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08All red on my teeth.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10MUSIC: "Africa" by Toto
0:19:13 > 0:19:16# I hear the drums echoing tonight
0:19:16 > 0:19:23# But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
0:19:23 > 0:19:24# Ba-dow, dow-dow
0:19:24 > 0:19:28# She's coming in, 12:30 flight
0:19:28 > 0:19:34# The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation... #
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Oh, this guy is great! I love this song! Go on, sing it!
0:19:40 > 0:19:46# Hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies
0:19:48 > 0:19:50# He turned to me as if to say
0:19:51 > 0:19:54# "Hurry, boy It's waiting there for you..." #
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Brilliant! That's why I hang around with these guys!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59These guys know how to party!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03THEY ALL SING THE CHORUS
0:20:03 > 0:20:08# There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
0:20:08 > 0:20:13# I bless the rains down in Africa
0:20:13 > 0:20:20# Going to take some time to do the things we never have... #
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, this is brilliant -
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I wonder if they're having this much fun down in India?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30SITAR MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Hot, isn't it, Rajesh?
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Nah, boring.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43# I bless the rains down in Africa
0:20:43 > 0:20:51# Going to take some time to do the things we never have
0:20:51 > 0:20:54# Ba-dow-dow-dow! #
0:20:54 > 0:20:57So, I bet you get some strange requests.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02What's the maddest thing you've tattooed on someone?
0:21:02 > 0:21:08- This one fellow wanted a tattoo of Ant and Dec on his bum.- No way!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12THEY LAUGH
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What a numpty!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I couldn't remember which one went on the left or the right.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Some people are weird.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Hey, guys - you're back! Did you have a good migration?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29THEY SIGH AND TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Absolute shambles...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Obviously picked up by some lowlife parrot...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37So we had no idea where we were going...
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- "I'm sorry, sir - I don't speak neo-Polynesian."- Thank you, Iceland. Stopped by the volcanic ash...
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Ended up costing us for a fortune. - And not one shred of evidence...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Act of God, they say, which I'd say is ironic.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Well, that's the wrong use of ironic.- Then, we came back to this letter from the council...
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I wonder if they'd notice if I flew off backwards?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- None of that came up in the survey. - Insurance null and void.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Need another holiday to get over the stress.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06MASTERMIND THEME TUNE
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Next, we have Gordon Croaker from Lilypad Downs.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Gordon, your one-minute general-knowledge round starts now.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19The dish mainly consisting of melted cheese
0:22:19 > 0:22:21on bread is known as Welsh...?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Rarebit.- Correct.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26If you see a £5 note on the street, you should...?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Grab it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30How should you dispose of an important financial document?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31- Shred it.- Correct.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35The two most widely used types of bank card are credit and...?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Debit.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40In literature, the character Bilbo Baggins belongs to which race?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Hobbit.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45What sport is played at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Quidditch.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Which Manchester United defender also plays for Serbia?- Vidic.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Which town in Worcestershire lies approximately 15 miles south of Birmingham?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Redditch.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The cartoon character Popeye...
0:22:58 > 0:22:59- Spinach.- Correct.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Which city...? - BEEPING
0:23:01 > 0:23:02I've started so I'll...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Finish.- Don't push it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Karen! Karen! It's only a Lancaster bomber, love!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Oh, pride of the fleet! Oh, the rivet work is a joy to behold.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16When he said he was going to show me the Great Plains,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19this isn't what I had in mind.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You are ruining this holiday for me, love.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26MUSIC: "Feel So Good" by Barry White
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# Feels so good
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# You lying here next to me... #
0:23:37 > 0:23:40HE SCATS TO INSTRUMENTAL SECTION OF "AFRICA"
0:23:52 > 0:23:56# Hurry, boys It's waiting there for you! #
0:24:00 > 0:24:04GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It's telly for toffs.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12'Ladies and gentlemen, can you please take your seats?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14'Tonight's performance will start in four seconds.'
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- Excuse me, excuse me.- Shh!- Excuse me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21POLITE APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Ooh, these are good seats.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, the ballet. It's been too long.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Ah! Oof!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Uh!- Ugh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37GRUNTING
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Next time, I'm bringing my own ice cream.
0:24:40 > 0:24:444.60 for three scoops? Someone's having a laugh.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh! A tragedy.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Such a beautiful love story.
0:24:53 > 0:24:574.60? Three scoops?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oof!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Bravo!- Bravo!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Haunting. Brings a tear to my eye.
0:25:11 > 0:25:134.60?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Hot today.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Oh, I've blown a gasket!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21I'm overheating.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, there goes another one.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27And another one! I am a write-off!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31SNORING
0:25:41 > 0:25:44PAAAAARP!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Oop!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Think I got away with that.
0:25:51 > 0:25:58Explosion! Coming to the nation - strictly hard music!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02DUB MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Right, I'm home - where are my keys? I thought they were in me handbag.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Where's me handbag?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Oh, no - I've left it in the karaoke bar. Bill's going to go crackers.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26This happened the last time I went out with the girls.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I'm going to have to get him up.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31(Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!)
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- Hey, can you keep it down out there? - Oh, heavens.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- The kids are sleeping up here! - Sorry. Sorry. Just one more try.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41(Bill! Bill! Bill!)
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Bill, man! BILL! BILL!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Right, that's it! I'm calling the police.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- The real police, or the monkey police?- Monkey police.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Oh, that's all right - they're hilarious.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57Hey, big man. A wee fly like me taking liberties in your head!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Leave it out, will you, man?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- What you going to do about it, ya big handbag?- Just leave it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- We dinnae want any trouble. - Trouble? I'm not even a wasp.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- I can't even sting ye.- Don't give him the satisfaction, Dougie.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- All right then, we're leaving. - That's right, swim off to your mammy.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Coming up later on Wild Side 4, the inspiring story of Susan Gibbs,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24the bird whose back was a synthesiser.
0:27:25 > 0:27:31SYNTHESISER VERSION OF "POKER FACE" BY LADY GAGA
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Susan has used her rare condition to bring joy to others, allowing
0:27:43 > 0:27:50her keyboard back to be used by local musicians - free of charge.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Yeah! Yeah, yeah! This is awesome!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Let's dance! Yeah! I love festivals!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01You know the first band's not on for half an hour?
0:28:01 > 0:28:06Whatever! I've had two pints of cider! I'm king of the world!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Oh, I think I just twisted something.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Oh, brilliant, an injury - I'm so hardcore!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Be lucky!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd