0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Following complaints that our output is too London-centric,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08we'd like to reassure viewers, who sadly
0:00:08 > 0:00:11are forced to live outside the M25 that we value you.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13LAUGHTER
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You might be sitting on the sofa at home in Norfolk,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19with your wife and sister, who are, no doubt, the same person.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20LAUGHTER
0:00:20 > 0:00:25You might be in Manchester watching this through a shop window,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29a brick in your hand, ready to make off with some electronic goods.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Maybe you're watching this in a pub in Glasgow,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37tanked up and stripped to the waist, ready to beat up some students.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Or you might be in Cornwall, where you've only just got electricity,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44and you're thinking, who's this tiny wizard in the box?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46LAUGHTER
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Don't be alarmed, it's not witchcraft.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Remember, it's your BBC, wherever you have the misfortune to live.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Enjoy the show.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I'm better than you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- You what?- I'm better than you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40That phone, it's the old one, isn't it?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Well, came out about six months ago.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Yeah, but they brought out a new one, didn't they?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Last week, wasn't it?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49And I got it, didn't I?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Waterproof, innit?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57That's why I'm better than you.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58All right, mate.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm better than you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- You said, about the phone. - Yeah, and the trainers.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Well, they look pretty similar to mine.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yeah, but they ain't, though, are they?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Mine have got an air cushion in them.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Got a little window so I can look in,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17see all the air, check up on it.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20See it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- See it?- Yeah, yeah, I see it, yeah.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That's why I'm better than you.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27All right, mate.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- I'm better than you.- Oh...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- I'm better than you.- What now?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41General appearance.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Well, what does that mean?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Everything.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48My barnet is better than you, my tan is better then you.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Teeth, better than you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Biceps, better than you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Triceps, better then you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Quads, need a bit of work, but still better than you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Complexion, better than you.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Nasal trimmings, better than you.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Dental hygiene...
0:03:06 > 0:03:07HE EXHALES DEEPLY
0:03:07 > 0:03:09..better than you. Height...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12..better than you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Swagger...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20..better than you. Moves...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24..better than you.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Grooves...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29..better than you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Manscaping...
0:03:33 > 0:03:34..better than you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- In conclusion, I am better than you. - Yeah...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40All right, mate. Well done, you're better than me.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Yep. Better than you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Yeah, all right, you've proved your point.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46You're better than me.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Your hair's better than me, your phone's better than me,
0:03:49 > 0:03:50your trainers are better than me.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Your grooves, your moves and your manscaping is a thing of wonder.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You've probably had more sex than me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Well, how many birds have you had sex with?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Just my wife, so one.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06All right, mate.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08It's not a competition.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oh.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Hello, Sherlock.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20You're back early.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Watson, what's going on?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Your brother called. - Don't change the subject.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29You were up to something.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32No, I was just thinking about having a cup of tea.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Would you like one?- Something's going on, and if you won't tell me,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I will figure it out myself by using my powers of deduction.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Oh, God...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46The sheet music has been removed from my violin stand
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and replaced with a copy of the Littlewoods catalogue,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52conveniently opened at the women's underwear section.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's daytime, but the curtains are shut,
0:04:55 > 0:04:56and a scented candle has been lit,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00as though to create a romantic ambience, but you're on your own.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03On the top of the stereo system lies an Usher CD.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07His R&B grooves are synonymous with getting down with it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08And on the mantelpiece,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11a framed picture of me has been placed face down.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14What is it that you didn't want me to see, Watson?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Perhaps it's Mrs Hudson's bottle of lavender hand lotion,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19which has been mysteriously removed from the washroom
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and placed on the table next to you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24On the floor is a woman's glove, but the stitching has been frayed,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27as though it's been worn by a larger hand, a man's hand,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29the hand of a man.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32But here's the final piece of the puzzle, Watson.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35You're right-handed, but on your left side,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38a box of Aloe Vera fragrant tissues has been placed.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Answer me this, Watson,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43what was it that was keeping your right hand so occupied
0:05:43 > 0:05:45that it could not reach for the tissues?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I'll do it in my room from now on.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57If you would.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Welcome back to the Dating Game.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Please welcome our new contestants, Sammy and Joey.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:15 > 0:06:21But...only one of them can bag a date with the luscious Lindsay.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22WHOOPING
0:06:23 > 0:06:26OK, Lindsay, time for your first question.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Over to you.- Hi, guys.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29- Hey.- Hello.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:35So, around the house, I'm afraid I'm not a DIY expert.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Are you the sort of man who knows how to use a tool?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Ho-ho-ho-ho! Saucy stuff.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Sammy.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Well, Lindsay, I've got the wood.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You just tell me where you want the screw.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Oh... - WHOOPING
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Ho-ho-ho! Easy, tiger!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Joey.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Well, Lindsay, if you needed me to,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I could put up a shelving unit for you,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06or unblock your toilet.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Not exactly what we're looking for, Joey.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Have you got anything a bit racier?
0:07:17 > 0:07:22You know, something about hammering, or drilling, or banging?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23OK, I see.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25All right, off you go.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Here's something you may not know about me, Lindsay.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I have got an enormous 24-piece spanner set.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- That's your answer, is it?- Yep.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45OK, back over to you, Lindsay, for your killer question.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Make it count.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50One of my favourite things is doing it in the kitchen.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Ho-ho-ho! Filthy.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Cooking, of course.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Bit disappointing.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00How well-equipped are you to satisfy me in the kitchen?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh... Final chance to join the lovely Lindsay
0:08:04 > 0:08:07on that sexy trip to Barbados. Sammy.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13Well, Linds, I'm known for my big, juicy sausage.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18And once you've had a taste, you'll keep coming back for more, baby.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Me likey!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Is it getting hot in here?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Joey.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Well, Lindsay, if you came over to my place...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Ooh, sounds promising.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36..I'd cook you chicken nuggets and peas.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39And then for afters...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, here we go.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43..yoghurt.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Have you seen this show, Joey?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I think so, yes.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Well, we're looking for something sexier.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Oh, I see.- All right?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- All right, off you go.- OK.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Lindsay, I would very much like
0:09:06 > 0:09:08for you and me to have sexual intercourse.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Stop you there, Joey.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Too sexy?- Well, sort of.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The question was about cooking,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21so we're looking for something sexy, but about food, OK?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23A bit of innuendo.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, yeah, OK.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Hm-hm! All right, it's all yours, Joey.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Lindsay, I would very much like
0:09:30 > 0:09:35for you and me to have sexual intercourse in a kebab shop.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:40So, join us after the break,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43when we'll be finding out who the luscious Lindsay
0:09:43 > 0:09:45will pick for that sexy trip to Barbados.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Sammy.- Well... LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- We'll find out after the break. - No, it's going to be Sammy.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I've got a sexy food one.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57All right, one last go.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I once drew a face on a watermelon and then I drilled a hole in it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:10:02 > 0:10:04We'll see you in a mini mo.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Thank you.- And you put it in... - No, no, no, no...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:16Opera sensations Il Primadonnas return with their brand-new album
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Chants From The Terraces.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Including the smash hit single One-Nil.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26IN TUNE TO AMAZING GRACE: # One-nil, one-nil
0:10:26 > 0:10:30# One-nil, one-nil
0:10:30 > 0:10:34# One-nil, one-nil
0:10:34 > 0:10:38# One-n-i-i-i-il. #
0:10:38 > 0:10:43All your favourite football chants on one spectacular album.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Marvel as Il Primadonnas present their unique take
0:10:48 > 0:10:50on Boring, Boring Arsenal.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54# Boring, boring Arsenal
0:10:54 > 0:10:57# Boring, boring Arsenal. #
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Admirers of Manchester City Football Club
0:11:04 > 0:11:07will love If You All Hate Man U.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13# If you all hate Man U Clap your hands
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# If you all hate Man U Clap your hands... #
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Admirers of Manchester United Football Club
0:11:19 > 0:11:22will love If You All Hate Man City.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25# If you all hate Man City Clap your hands
0:11:25 > 0:11:29# If you all hate Man City Clap your hands... #
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Lose yourself to Il Primadonnas' touching tribute
0:11:33 > 0:11:38to England's all-time leading goal-scorer Wayne Mark Rooney.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43# Rooney
0:11:43 > 0:11:45# Rooney
0:11:45 > 0:11:49# Rooney. #
0:11:49 > 0:11:52But no football chant album would be complete
0:11:52 > 0:11:57without the towering majesty of Who's The Bastard In The Black?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59IN TUNE OF BREAD IN HEAVEN: # Who's the bastard
0:11:59 > 0:12:01# Who's the bastard
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- # Who's the bastard in the black? - In the black?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08# Who's the bastard
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- IN BASS VOICE:- # In the black? #
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Il Primadonnas' Chants From The Terraces.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The perfect album to make love to.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20# Who ate all the pies?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22# Who ate all the pies?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23- # You fat bastard - You fat bastard
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# You ate all the pies. #
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- So the thinking is, the merger... - Here we are.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31..will go through next year.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34The reason for next year is everyone thinks
0:12:34 > 0:12:36we'll be out of Europe by then
0:12:36 > 0:12:39and it'll be a lot easier... SHE SLAMS THE DOOR
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Don't get up, darling.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I thought it'd be rude to leave our guest on his own, darling.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46SHE SLAMS PLATE
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'd be interested to know what our guest thinks about this, actually.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Say you had a friend over for dinner.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I'm talking hypothetically here.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Would you expect your partner to do all the cooking?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Well...- You're putting Richard on the spot, darling.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Let's not involve him in our private business.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I said "hypothetically".
0:13:05 > 0:13:06All right, then.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Talking hypothetically, if you had a joint bank account,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17which was categorically for food and household products only,
0:13:17 > 0:13:22would it be right to use that money to buy a £400 handbag?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I wouldn't buy a handbag.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Exactly. - I have no need for a handbag.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Especially if you had a dozen already.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Nine is not a dozen.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Here's another one for you, Richard.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Hypothetically...- I'd rather not. - No, no, this is fun.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Hypothetically, say it was your anniversary.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Well, I'm not married. - Hypothetically.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's your anniversary, and you purchase your partner
0:13:44 > 0:13:47a brand-new set of golf clubs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48But all they get you...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50is a £10 Boots voucher.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54What message do you think that would be sending out?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Would you say that was a happy marriage,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59or one that had descended into nothing more
0:13:59 > 0:14:02than a bitter pantomime of contempt?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I really think this is something
0:14:03 > 0:14:05the two of you need to discuss in private.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I said "hypothetically".
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Don't feel you need to answer, Richard.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Maybe we should just enjoy our starters.- Quite right.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Let's enjoy our delicious starters, cooked by my darling wife.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- This looks lovely.- Thank you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I made it all on my own.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- What kind of cheese is this? - Goat's cheese.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29HE THROWS DOWN CUTLERY
0:14:31 > 0:14:32But, darling...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I'm allergic to goat's cheese.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I know, darling.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Mm!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I have a question for you, Richard. Hypothetical, of course.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47If you knew your partner was allergic
0:14:47 > 0:14:49to a certain type of cheese -
0:14:49 > 0:14:53let's say, for example, cheese from a goat, goat's cheese -
0:14:53 > 0:14:55would you serve it to them knowing full well
0:14:55 > 0:14:59they'd have to spend the next 12 hours clinging to a toilet bowl,
0:14:59 > 0:15:03sweating and shaking and spraying from both ends?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I would say that was fair if your hypothetical husband
0:15:06 > 0:15:10had made you take your hypothetical bag back to the hypothetical shop.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12The hypothetical bastard.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- No.- Please don't.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I beg you, don't leave us on our own.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20How would you like it, hypothetically,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23if a couple invited you round to their house for dinner
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and all they did was involve you in their petty arguments
0:15:25 > 0:15:27because they clearly hate each other?!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Goodnight.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What got into him?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37He really soured the atmosphere.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Well...I'll be in the toilet, darling.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- See you in the morning. - Love you.- Love you, too.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54A group of celebrities, three prison cells, one slop bucket.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57This is the toughest reality show on television.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Welcome to Celebrity Slammer.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Day 3,226.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Mildly amusing comedian David Walliams is in the Diary Cell.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I just assumed Celebrity Slammer would be in the studio.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31But no, it's an actual prison.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I thought it'd just be two or three weeks.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37That was seven and a half years ago.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I wish I'd done I'm A Celebrity now.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I'd much rather put a kangaroo's balls in my mouth every night
0:16:42 > 0:16:44than Barry Chuckle's.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49TV hard man Chris Ellison has spent the last 18 months
0:16:49 > 0:16:52sharing a cell with highbrow comedy duo the Chuckle Brothers.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Now, you've got that end and I've got this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Right, take it through there. - To me, then.- To you.- To me.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- To you.- To me.- To you. - It's not going.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Come here, come here. You've no idea, have you?- No.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- It won't go through like that. Turn it over.- Right, OK.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- That's it. Now then, to you. - To me.- To you.- To me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- To you.- To me...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Well, it's too much.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Only, you just try watching two,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18and let's be honest, DEEPLY weird brothers
0:17:18 > 0:17:21trying to move furniture around a prison cell.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Well, it's...it's really getting to me.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28To you. To me. To... Argh!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It's time again for me to make my annual visit
0:17:30 > 0:17:32to the celebrity inmates.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Well, I can tell you that the public have been voting for the past year.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39The phone lines are now closed.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Your votes have been counted and verified,
0:17:43 > 0:17:48and we can now reveal that the public have selected...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52..Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog...
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Yes, we're out of here!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56..to go into solitary confinement.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, no, you are joking.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Why couldn't that have been me?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03We will see you all next year. Thank you.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Coming up, TV hard man Chris Ellison reaches breaking point
0:18:07 > 0:18:09with the Chuckle Brothers.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11THEY SNORE
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- SLEEPTALKING:- To me...- To you... - To me...
0:18:17 > 0:18:21And Christopher Biggins tries to break INTO Celebrity Slammer.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Let me in! I want to get back on TV! Please!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28The lines are now open.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Remember, you choose who stays in Celebrity Slammer.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Simply text the celeb's name and the year you'd like them to leave.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38For example, text "Eamonn 2025"
0:18:38 > 0:18:42if you'd like Eamonn Holmes to be released in 2025.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Or text "Chucklelife" to give the Chuckle Brothers a life sentence.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50We'll see you next time for more Celebrity Slammer.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56KEYS RATTLE IN LOCK
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Oh!- Oh!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Morning, Sherlock. You're back early.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Watson, Mrs Hudson, what's going on?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Your sister called. - I don't have a sister.- Oh.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Would you like a cup of tea, Sherlock?
0:19:14 > 0:19:15You're trying to change the subject.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Something's going on, and if you won't tell me,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I shall figure it out myself.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22By retreating into my mind palace.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, not again, no.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Shh.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Both you and Mrs Hudson are out of breath,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32but there's no evidence that either of you
0:19:32 > 0:19:34has been partaking in any exercise.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Watson's flies are partially undone,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40revealing beneath them his best pants - his pulling pants.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41The pants he puts on for occasions
0:19:41 > 0:19:44when lovemaking is a distinct possibility.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45When I left this morning,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Mrs Hudson's cardigan had six buttons on it,
0:19:48 > 0:19:49yet now there are none.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52But six identical buttons lie strewn across the floor.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Presumably ripped from her.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57My violin bow is hot to the touch.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06As though it has recently been in contact with human flesh.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08HE SNIFFS
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Buttock flesh.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Then there's my deerstalker, my dear Watson.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19On it, I see a single hair, a fine hair,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21a lady's hair, the hair of a lady.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Mrs Hudson's hair.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I can only deduce that my signature headpiece
0:20:24 > 0:20:28has been used as a prop in some sort of cruel, erotic role play.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34And finally, despite the absence of toast, crumpet or a scone,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38I note perched on the armchair an open tub of Utterly Butterly
0:20:38 > 0:20:40with a fistful removed.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44There can be only one explanation.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Watson, Mrs Hudson, how long have you been in flagrante delicto?
0:20:51 > 0:20:52You what?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Humping.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56How long has this been going on?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- This was the first time. - Five and a half years.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'll...I'll put that back in the fridge, dear.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Cock blocker.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Hello, Bond.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Off to Moscow, I hear.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yes, Q.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Now, this first gadget is standard issue for all 00 agents.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's a My Little Pony lunchbox.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It's much more than that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Simply pull on this handle,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47and it releases a cloud of smoke, cloaking your escape.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50But I'm going undercover in Russia.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54What if the KGB spot me with a little girl's lunchbox?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Hence the smokescreen.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Gadget number two.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03What does this look like to you?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05A Hello Kitty watch.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Exactly.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11One flick of the wrist and this releases a poison dart.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15But won't a grown man wearing a Hello Kitty watch in a Russian gulag
0:22:15 > 0:22:18attract unnecessary attention?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Well, you could always cover it
0:22:19 > 0:22:22with a standard issue MI6 High School Musical sweatband.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Couldn't I just have a gun?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Far too predictable, James.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30What they'll be looking for is a man with a gun.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32What they won't to be looking for is a man...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34with a Frozen backpack.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Simply pull on Princess Anna's pigtail
0:22:36 > 0:22:40and this emits a laser beam strong enough to cut through steel.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's also got a pouch inside for your juice.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45But couldn't the laser be put in a gold cigarette case?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Too obvious.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Finally, this is a gadget we've been cooking up
0:22:49 > 0:22:51in the lab for sometime now.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55What appears to be
0:22:55 > 0:22:58a standard, everyday Sylvanian Families cosy cottage
0:22:58 > 0:23:01is actually a miniature tracking device.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04All you need to do is surreptitiously attach this
0:23:04 > 0:23:06to the bonnet of an enemy operative's vehicle,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and our satellites can track it to within a one-metre radius.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Won't they spot it on the bonnet?
0:23:13 > 0:23:17It's considerably smaller than 006's Barbie Malibu dream house.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Listen, Q, I don't think you get it.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm James Bond.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I'm an MI6 agent.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I can't be seen with gadgets emblazoned
0:23:28 > 0:23:32with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony and Sylvanian Families.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'm sorry, Bond.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I want Octonauts!
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Welcome to a special edition of middle-class Jeremy Kyle
0:23:48 > 0:23:51called World's Worst Parents.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57Our guest is an innocent young child whose life has been torn apart.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Please welcome to the show Gideon Scott-Rees.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12So, Gideon, tell us your heartbreaking story,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and if you could cry, we'd love it.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Um, well, every year since I was a toddler,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Mummy and Daddy have taken me on holiday to Val d'Isere.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Only this year...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25they've said that they want to go on their own.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And how old are you, little fella?
0:24:30 > 0:24:3228.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Just 28 years old.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I think it's high time we met these repulsive parents of yours.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Let's bring the bastards out!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Hello, darling.- How do you do?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46BOOING
0:24:46 > 0:24:50This poor boy's life is in tatters because of your selfish behaviour.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Shame on you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Come on, Gideon, what do you want to say to this pair of turds?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Mummy, Daddy, ever since you told me that I'm not coming to Valley,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I've been in a terrible funk.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Last night I was so upset
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I couldn't even go to Cressida's birthday party at Boujis.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10So let's get this straight.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You take your only child skiing every year
0:25:13 > 0:25:15but the moment he hits 28,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18you say, "Sorry, mate, we're going on our own."
0:25:18 > 0:25:23So come on, what have you got to say for yourselves?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Well, this year...- Shut up!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Speak up! We'd all like an explanation.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Well, this year, we just...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Shut your face!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Well, come on, then.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Let's hear your side of the story.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40We sat Gideon down...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Will you let me get a word in edgeways?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- I'm trying to explain. - Don't make a lunge at me, love,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48or I'll get Steve here to wrestle you to the ground.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Thank you, Steve, you're a life-saver.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Well...
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Papa...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58you've been very quiet.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00What have you got to say for yourself?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Why aren't you taking your son on a skiing holiday?
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Well, when he does come, he doesn't actually ski, anyway.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I apres-ski.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13That's just drinking and going to nightclubs.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Yes, and I'm a very good apres-skier.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I could be an instructor.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I don't think it's that Mummy and Daddy
0:26:20 > 0:26:22want to spend time with each other.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I think the real reason...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25is that they find me irritating.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28We love you very much, Gideon!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32We just want to wake up in the morning in bed
0:26:32 > 0:26:34without you for once.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38You know I get nightmares when I eat too much fondue.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Well, before the show,
0:26:42 > 0:26:48we sent Monty and Beatrice here to take a lie detector test,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and the results are in.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54We asked them, "Do you find your son Gideon irritating?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56They both answered, "No."
0:26:56 > 0:26:58The lie detector said...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01TENSE MUSIC
0:27:07 > 0:27:08..they were lying.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14We only find you mildly irritating.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18HE SOBS
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Mummy...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26What are you crying for, you pathetic loser?!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You're 28 years old!
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Now, come on!
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Man up!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38What are you going to...? Don't laugh!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42What are you going to say to these shit heads?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Mummy, Daddy, I don't care!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Go on your stupid holiday.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I hope you both drink too much vin chaud at lunchtime
0:27:50 > 0:27:51and die on a black run.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, you may be interested to know, Gideon,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57that when we did the lie detector test,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01we also did a DNA test, and the results are in.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04This man is not your real father.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Mummy?!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Well, that's all we have time today.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- Have a great weekend. - It was just a moment of madness!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Goodbye! - I always knew it was Malcolm.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I'm so sorry...
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I hope you both drink too much too much vin chaud on a black run and...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- I can't even say...! - Get your line right!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Get off me! Steve, stop him!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Steve, get him. Get him, Steve.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I'm trying to help you. Sit down. I'm going to help you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34God. Sit down.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Stop showing off in front of your mother.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Shall we go from the slap again?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42No! No!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I think, yes, I think we might have got the slap.