0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06The corporation has been put under a lot of pressure
0:00:06 > 0:00:08to reveal what it pays its top earners.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10So, for the first time, I will reveal the list.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Mary Berry's fee is one crate of Jack Daniel's
0:00:13 > 0:00:16and front row tickets for Megadeth. LAUGHTER
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Jeremy Clarkson only requested one thing -
0:00:19 > 0:00:20a hot dinner.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And if it isn't hot,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24he also requests an ice bucket for his fists.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Every series, the Hairy Bikers receive a pint of real ale
0:00:28 > 0:00:31and a packet of pork scratchings...
0:00:31 > 0:00:33to share. And they seem happy enough.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Aled Jones is not actually paid at all for presenting Songs Of Praise,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39but he IS allowed to take home
0:00:39 > 0:00:43as much lead from the church roof as he can carry.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Sir David Attenborough's payment is a VIP booth at Stringfellows,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50where he can observe birds in all their glory.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53So-called comedian David Walliams is paid
0:00:53 > 0:00:56with an annual trolley dash around Dorothy Perkins.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59But the biggest earner at the BBC is Simon Cowell,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03who we pay £10 million every year to stay on ITV.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Enjoy the show. LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33TV SHOW THEME TUNE
0:01:35 > 0:01:39One has always wanted to know more about one's family tree,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43which is why one decided to appear on this televisual programme.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- So, Your Majesty, I've been working through your family records.- Yes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And I found an entry here for your great-great-grandmother.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57What was HER name?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- Queen Victoria.- And what did she do?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- LAUGHTER She was the Queen.- You're joking!
0:02:06 > 0:02:12- No.- Who'd have thought it? Little old one related to royalty.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Yes, Your Majesty.- And when was this Queen Victoria the queen?
0:02:15 > 0:02:20She was the ruler of Great Britain and Ireland from 1837 to 1901.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So, in Victorian times.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Yes, Queen Victoria - hence the word "Victorian".
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ah, one learns something new every day.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And was she named after the pub in EastEnders?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Records suggest it was the other way around.- Ah, one sees.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42And she was married to your great-great-grandfather.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And what was HIS name?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Prince Albert.- Was he named after the gentleman's piercing?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Again, records suggest it was the other way around.- Jolly interesting.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59And their grandson was your grandfather, King George V.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00And what did HE do?
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- He was the King.- Another one? You're having a laugh!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Goodness me. One's in danger of getting rather bigheaded.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12One's family tree seems to be chockablock with kings and queens.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Yes. And he had two sons, the younger of whom was King George VI.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Shove off! From the King's Speech?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- That's correct. Your father. - My father's Colin Firth?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:29No, Colin Firth played your father in the film.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- So, one isn't related to Colin Firth.- No!- That's a shame.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I would have rather liked to have had famous blood in the family.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:46One's really very glad one did Who Does One Think One Is?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48This morning, one thought one was just an ordinary OAP
0:03:48 > 0:03:52who liked a flutter on the gee-gees and a gin and Dubonnet.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I was always curious as to why everyone bowed and curtsied to one
0:03:55 > 0:03:58and how one could afford to live in such an enormous house,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00and now one knows.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Now, if you'll excuse me,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05one has to go to the balcony and wave at the people.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07One doesn't really know why, but they seem to like it.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We're not storming out, we're walking purposefully,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15so no-one from the BBC has to resign.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Do you want longer lashes?
0:04:24 > 0:04:25No.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Are you looking for that supermodel style?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Er, I'm all right, thanks.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37Do you want guys to be dazzled by your sparkling eyes?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I think there's been a bit of a mix-up.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Do you want a mascara that's going to make you feel
0:04:42 > 0:04:44like the hottest girl in the club?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I've come to mend a photocopier.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Then look no further than Lash Sensation from Coverstar.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I feel like a bit of a pillock, to be honest.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05James has prepared roasted cod,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08served with a tomato and olive salsa.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16AS JOHN TORODE: It's light, it's fresh.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- The balance of the flavours is exquisite.- Wow, thank you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Very well done. Gregg?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Gregg?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- AS GREGG WALLACE: - I ain't eating that!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Why not?- I don't like fish.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You had fish last night.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yeah, fish and chips.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- This is the same fish.- No, it's not.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's got no batter on it. It looks like a fish!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Just try some of the tomato salsa.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- I'm allergic to tomatoes.- Are you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Yeah, I've got a note from my mum.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- You had tomato ketchup on your chips last night.- Well, that's different.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- That's from a bottle.- Well, at least have an olive and we can move on.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- No.- Why not?- I don't like olives!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Have you ever had one?- No.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Well, then how do you know you don't like them?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Well, look, they're green!
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Just eat it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Disgusting.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's in your hand.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Eat it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29HE GAGS
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Good boy for trying.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40Matt has prepared a mango and duck curry with coconut and saffron rice.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- What's the matter now?- It's foreign!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:53You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Where do you think that's from?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Croydon!
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Look, the nice man's spent a long time cooking this for you,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- didn't you?- Yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03So, why don't you show him what a brave boy you are
0:07:03 > 0:07:05and have a spoonful?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Come on.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Here comes the choo-choo train.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Did you swallow it?- Mm-mmm.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:29- Do you feel that the duck and the mango complement each other?- Mm-mmm.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:32JOHN SIGHS
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- AUDIENCE:- Urgh!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Carla has baked a red velvet chocolate cake
0:07:42 > 0:07:44with mascarpone icing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:07:59This is exquisite.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01It's rich, it's nuanced.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- And it's got chocolate in it! - LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- He likes chocolate.- She should win. It's got chocolate in it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well, don't say that now. Keep the audience guessing.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Oh, yeah, but she should win. Well done, love, you've won.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Carla, tell us, how did you keep the cake so moist?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, the secret really is in the beetroot.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- The what?!- I put beetroot in it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Why did you put beetroot in a chocolate cake, you weirdo?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You liked it a minute ago!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yeah, but I didn't know it had stupid beetroot in it!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Well, thank you, Carla. Thank you, contestants.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You've given us a lot to think about.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Like why would you put beetroot in a chocolate cake?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44We're going to go away now and pick our favourite dishes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- It's going to be tough. - Because they're all disgusting.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51And when we come back, we'll announce the winner.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Can we go to McDonald's to decide the winner?- Yes, OK.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I want a double cheeseburger but don't I want no gherkins.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- I'll take them out for you. - Oh, thanks, Uncle John.- Come on.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Ah...
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- Good morning.- Good afternoon. - Is it that already?- May we join you?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- That's very kind of you. - Do I know you?- No.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Just admiring a pretty young girl.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- I wouldn't say I was young! - Oh, but you can't be more than 25.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Don't insult the lady, Maurice!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34She's 24, if she's a day.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- I wish I WAS 24.- 21.- 20.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- 19.- 81. I mean 18.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I've just turned 72!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- I don't believe it! - I WON'T believe it!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- I SHAN'T believe it! - I REFUSE to believe it,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50even 50 years hence from now.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53If any man dared to say you looked 72,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I should pop him over my knee,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58pull down his panties and spank his bare bottom.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00She looks 72.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:08- Nice to have met you both. - Yes, of course, and here's my card.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Do keep in touch.- My number is here on the back, in Biro.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15What for?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- TOGETHER:- An afternoon of delights. - Just the three of us.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And a digital camera.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- LAUGHTER - There's another one.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Do excuse us.- Madam.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Good morning.- Good afternoon. - Is it that already?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return
0:10:39 > 0:10:41with their brand-new album,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44The Ultimate Jingle Collection.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Let Il Prima Donnas transport you to a magical land,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52with their unique take on PC World.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56# Where in the world?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:07- ALL:- # PC World... # - LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Tears will well in your eyes
0:11:09 > 0:11:12when you hear Il Prima Donnas perform
0:11:12 > 0:11:14that song off the Flake advert.
0:11:14 > 0:11:21# Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate
0:11:22 > 0:11:27# Tastes like chocolate never tasted
0:11:27 > 0:11:31# Before... #
0:11:31 > 0:11:35You'll be captivated by Il Prima Donnas' rendition
0:11:35 > 0:11:38of this timeless classic.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42# Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back
0:11:42 > 0:11:44# Do the Shake n' Vac And put the freshness back... #
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Marvel at Il Prima Donnas' breathtaking performance
0:11:47 > 0:11:50of this much-loved song.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- # If you like a lot of chocolate- Ah
0:11:54 > 0:11:56# Join our club... #
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Il Prima Donnas, The Ultimate Jingle Collection.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Includes 45 tracks,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06giving you almost six minutes of musical enjoyment.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09# Washing machines live longer with Calgon... #
0:12:09 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:13BACKGROUND CHATTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Give me the nutronium crystals. - Over my dead body.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- OK, cut. Excuse me.- What, me?- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Sorry, you just looked straight into the camera.- I don't think I did.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35You did.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39OK, so just drinks down. Whatever you do, don't look into the camera.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Got it.- OK, let's try again.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- Give me the nutronium crystals. - Over my dead body.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- Would you like any space nuts or space pork scratchings?- Cut!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- I didn't look into the camera. - You just made up some lines.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- What, they're not in the script? - No, you're an extra.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Extras don't have lines.- Got it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05OK, let's go for another take.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Oh, I just think it's odd that I come in,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10put down the drinks and don't say anything.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- I mean, the scene is about this space waiter.- No, no, it isn't.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Well, it IS, and everyone will be thinking
0:13:14 > 0:13:16what kind of space waiter is he?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Is he a good space waiter, a bad space waiter...?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- I don't think anyone's going to be thinking that.- My mum will.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Most of our audience will be focussed
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- on our lead characters here. - What, these guys?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Can we swap him with someone else?
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- Put him behind the bar where he's out of the way.- Oh, promoted!
0:13:32 > 0:13:38So, is it my own space bar or do I lease it from a space brewery?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41None of that is important. You're just standing there.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Holding my space nuts?- No! You're just standing there, doing nothing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- So, when do I look into the camera? - You never look into the camera!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Ready.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Action.- Give me the nutronium... - Time, please, gentlemen and aliens.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Drink up. Thank you very much. - Cut! Get him out of here!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Great working with you all. See you at the premiere.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05OK, has he gone?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Good. Places, everyone.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Action. - Give me the nutronium crystals.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Over my dead body.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17So be it, Cando Barra.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Argh.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Space doctor coming through.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24He's dead!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28The end.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Cut!
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Nailed it.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35BAFTA, BAFTA, BAFTA. LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:37INDISTINCT MUMBLING
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Excuse me.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Good afternoon.- Good evening. - Is it that already?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Remarkable, the beautiful young girls
0:14:47 > 0:14:50you get in the audience for Pointless.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- Have we met before? - No! We're meeting right now.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I know a gentleman should never ask a lady her age,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- but you can't be more than...- 35?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Gerald, don't be so impertinent!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07It's quite clear this young lady is barely in her 20s.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Actually... - No, don't tell us! We'll guess.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- We're good at this. 22.- 21.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- 20.- 19.
0:15:15 > 0:15:1981. I mean, 18. LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- I'm 65.- I don't believe it!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- I REFUSE to believe it! - I SHAN'T believe it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28I will never believe it, not even until my dying breath.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And beyond. LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:34If any man dared to say you look 65,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I should drag him down to my cellar, handcuff him to the radiator,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40pull down his trousers, pull down MY trousers...
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- LAUGHTER - ..and thrash him with my belt.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- She looks 65.- Oh.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:54If the sight of Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman in action
0:15:54 > 0:15:58has got you in the mood then, by chance,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01we've booked a junior suite at a nearby hotel.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- A Premier Inn. - Just five minutes' walk away.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Or even quicker on your mobility scooter.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Room 014. It's ground floor, so no stairs.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16And it has a bidet. LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Sorry, what's this for?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- TOGETHER:- An evening of delights. - Just the three of us.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26And a web camera. LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Ding-dong!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER Woof-woof!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Excuse us, madam.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Good afternoon.- Good evening.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Is it that already? - LAUGHTER
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0:18:00 > 0:18:02Tonight, on Arts Wipe,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05we look back at the work
0:18:05 > 0:18:09of the often emulated comedian Harry Enfield.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11'Am I the greatest comic actor of all time?'
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- I didn't ask you that question. - It's not really for me to say,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17but I'm probably up there in the top one or two.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Or one.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Did I ever think my characters and catchphrases would be quoted
0:18:21 > 0:18:24in every school, street and factory floor in the country?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- I didn't ask you that either. - Yes, I think I probably did, yeah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Yeah, yeah, yeah. What makes me so much better than everyone else?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Didn't ask you that.- My editing.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Every sketch that we recorded
0:18:36 > 0:18:38that wasn't up to my extremely high standard,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I took the tapes and I hurled them in the skip
0:18:40 > 0:18:42at the back of the BBC.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Never to be seen again.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:49So, is there any way I could get a temporary extension to my overdraft?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Typewriter says no!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER SHE COUGHS
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Let me get one thing straight. I wasn't even a comedian back then.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And in all my years as a BBC skip removal man,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I never even saw those tapes. LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I sat down to watch this new comedy show.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I think it was called The Bald Man And The Unfunny One.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Little Britain.- The same thing. And I couldn't believe my eyes.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The vile little vermin had been through my skip.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- FALSETTO:- I'm a transvestite.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- IN DEEP VOICE:- A man dressed as woman.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:37I mean, is he seriously suggesting that I bought a small stepladder,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39climbed into a skip,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41retrieved some rejected tapes,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43took them home, watched them,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46copied down all the lines and then passed them off as our own?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I mean, I have no idea what the man's talking about!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Anyway, I would never copy Harry Enfield,
0:19:52 > 0:19:56because I actually find a lot of his comedy very distasteful.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Now, today's sketch is getting you a new wheelchair.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I require that one!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03But you always said it was wrong
0:20:03 > 0:20:06to do sketches of people in wheelchairs.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You said there was a strong possibility
0:20:08 > 0:20:12that even touching on disability could cause offence.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Yeah, I know. But it's OK cos I don't actually need a wheelchair.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Oh, that's all right then. Super.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Didn't see a thing. - LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:27The main thing about this Walliams or Wall-iams - I don't know -
0:20:27 > 0:20:29is his career's taken such a nosedive,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32he's ended up as a judge on a TV talent show.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Thank God he's not making sketch shows any more.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:39What, he IS? Guest stars?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42God! Who'd be desperate enough to do that?!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- NERVOUSLY:- Here, at Home Fix-it,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51we, the staff, want to tell you
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- all about our mega sale. - LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Tile adhesive down to £3.99.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Hinges half price.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06IN GRANDIOSE VOICE: Linoleum...flooring...
0:21:06 > 0:21:11just £19.99...
0:21:11 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:12 > 0:21:15..per roll. LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Screws, £1.99 a box.
0:21:22 > 0:21:2420% off all radiator paint.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29White...spirit.
0:21:29 > 0:21:3399 pence...per litre.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Bottoms up.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Prices down on everything. All trowels £1 off.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:46This sale is madness!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48It cannot last!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Buy this beautiful mop,
0:21:51 > 0:21:56get this exquisite bucket absolutely free.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Free!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Freeeee! LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- ALL:- All this weekend at Home Fix-it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10And bow.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14And exit.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And solo bow.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Ooh, we're finally here.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35We were looking for a parking space for the past hour.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You'll have to forgive my wife. She's prone to mild exaggeration.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42It wasn't an hour, it was a mere 58 minutes.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Nice to meet you both.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Well, I'm so glad we bought Barbara a bottle of champagne.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Looks like everyone else had the same idea.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50She's already got a dozen bottles.
0:22:50 > 0:22:5311 bottles. I did warn you about the mild exaggeration.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So, do you know the birthday girl well?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Oh, yes, I've known Barbara for ten years.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Nine years, ten months. - I'm glad there's some food.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07She sucked on a toffee in the car on the way here!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Talk abut laying it on with a tiny trowel.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- So, what do you do? - Me and Ken own Yappers,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18which is the biggest dog grooming parlour in Basingstoke.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Biggest in terms of size,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22second biggest in terms of dogs through the door.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Once again, my dear wife is exaggerating - albeit mildly.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30We're very lucky. We live five minutes' walk away from work.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Five minutes' jog, seven minutes' walk.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35But I'm very interested to know how YOU know Barbara.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40She's overegging it. She's not very interested, she's mildly curious.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- Barbara and I met at Pilates. - Oh, I love Pilates!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I do it every single week. - She missed a class on 12th March.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Me and Barbara are actually going on holiday next week
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- to celebrate her birthday. - Oh, lovely. Where are you going?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Skopelos, where they made Mamma Mia!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Oh, me and Ken went there for a fortnight.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01The sun shone every day, there was a lovely variety of food to eat,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03the local people were so friendly.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Me and Ken had a very romantic time.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It was 13 nights, it rained on the first day,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13the lovely variety of food was meat souvlaki, fish souvlaki,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15one of the locals was slightly grumpy
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and, as for the romance,
0:24:17 > 0:24:23we only did it once and we had to abandon the attempt halfway through.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:38Well, er, it was nice to meet you both, but I really should mingle.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Good idea. You run away.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44- The wife witters on so, you'll be here till dawn.- Till dawn?!
0:24:44 > 0:24:48How dare you! Ken, stop exaggerating!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- I've told you 100 times!- 98 times.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:58 > 0:25:01AS JEREMY KYLE: Welcome to middle-class Jeremy Kyle.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Today, we're going to meet a man with the neighbour from hell.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Please welcome to the show Humphrey Horton-Jones.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:25:13 > 0:25:17So, Humphrey, tell us your tragic tale.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Well, my neighbour, Cassandra, hasn't cut her hedge recently
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and it's casting a shadow on my conservatory.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:28That is absolutely despicable.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Let's bring out the selfish cow.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Cassandra, get yourself out here.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You deserve that, you piece of scum!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:45So, Cassandra, your hedge is way out of control.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- This man's life has been ruined. - Well, I wouldn't say ruined.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Shut up!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52What are you going to do about it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Come on, speak up!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Well, I've already... - Shut your face!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58We've heard quite enough from you!
0:25:58 > 0:26:03You know what? Of all the guests I've had on my show over the years,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07you are the absolute worst.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11What have you got to say for yourself?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16The problem is the hedge is ten feet tall,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I'm short and I don't have a stepladder.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:27IN CHILDISH VOICE: "Hedge is ten feet tall, I'm short,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"and I don't have a stepladder." LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Very convenient!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Well, before the show today,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39we sent Cassandra here for a lie detector test
0:26:39 > 0:26:41and the results are in.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45We asked her, "Do you own a stepladder?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Cassandra answered, "No."
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And the lie detector said...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:01She was lying.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I did say that.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'm sorry, I lied about the stepladder.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I have low blood pressure. I get dizzy spells.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I was worried I was going to fall off.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16You know what, Cassandra?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I think we're all sick to the back teeth of your lies and deceit.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I mean, is your name even Cassandra?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Do you actually own a hedge?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- She does.- Yes, I do!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Hey, don't get a aggressive with me! LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Steve here will put you in a headlock, OK.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thank goodness you're here, Steve.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Why don't I pop round tomorrow and bring my shears?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42If I can borrow your stepladder, we'll be done by lunchtime.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Thank you so much. I could lay on some tea and sandwiches.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48That would be wonderful.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53You need to damn well man up and not let this bully -
0:27:53 > 0:27:57cos that is what she is, a bully - walk all over you!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And you need to cut your OWN hedge!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I don't care if you fall off that stepladder.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06- In fact, I hope you do, do you understand me?- Yes.- Shut up!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10The two of you, get off my show before I kick you both in the balls!
0:28:10 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Have a great day, everybody! Bye-bye!
0:28:16 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE