Sheridan Smith

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0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening, I'm the Head of the BBC.

0:00:03 > 0:00:06Due to some viewer complaints about swearing, I'd like to reassure you

0:00:06 > 0:00:10than any offensive language in tonight's show has been substituted.

0:00:10 > 0:00:14For example, some people find "bloody" offensive.

0:00:14 > 0:00:16So, instead, we'd say "ruddy".

0:00:16 > 0:00:18This is something we, the BBC,

0:00:18 > 0:00:22must do to appease all those self-righteous duckheads.

0:00:22 > 0:00:25The fact that we have to make these funking substitutions

0:00:25 > 0:00:27is a steaming pile of bullfrog

0:00:27 > 0:00:31and to me, personally, it's a giant pain in the aerosol.

0:00:31 > 0:00:35After all, you only have to visit a pub or football terrace

0:00:35 > 0:00:37to hear any Tom, Duck or Harry say,

0:00:37 > 0:00:39"Funk this, funk that!"

0:00:39 > 0:00:41"Kick him the bollards!"

0:00:41 > 0:00:45Or, "The referee is a complete and utter tossed salad."

0:00:45 > 0:00:47But, of course, here at the BBC,

0:00:47 > 0:00:50the last thing we want to do is get on anyone's tittle-tattles.

0:00:50 > 0:00:54Even if they are a whining fudgewit.

0:00:54 > 0:00:58Now, duck off, you annoying winkers, and enjoy the trucking show.

0:01:21 > 0:01:25Our kingdoms will become entwined

0:01:25 > 0:01:27as our bodies may be in lust.

0:01:27 > 0:01:31You bring out the dragon in me, Ingabord.

0:01:31 > 0:01:35Then let us see how this troublesome beast...

0:01:35 > 0:01:36may be tamed.

0:01:40 > 0:01:41Cut.

0:01:41 > 0:01:45OK, we're going to do the naked part now, so bring out the body doubles.

0:01:52 > 0:01:57Right, how do you want me to start off, on me back or on all fours?

0:01:58 > 0:02:00Who's that?

0:02:00 > 0:02:02That's your body double. Mick.

0:02:02 > 0:02:04I'm just going to line up the next shot.

0:02:05 > 0:02:08- You're my body double? - Yes, love.

0:02:08 > 0:02:10You are joking.

0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Well, it's good news for you. - How's that?

0:02:12 > 0:02:16Well, everyone will see my smokin' hot bod and assume it's yours.

0:02:16 > 0:02:18Where's the director gone? Robert?

0:02:18 > 0:02:20What's the problem, Amelia?

0:02:20 > 0:02:22I'm Amelia.

0:02:23 > 0:02:25You just look so alike.

0:02:25 > 0:02:29I'm absolutely outraged that you would choose THAT as my body double.

0:02:29 > 0:02:31- You're just jealous. - I'm not jealous.

0:02:31 > 0:02:33Please, Amelia, calm down.

0:02:33 > 0:02:36Look, I know there's an elephant in the room....

0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Don't call her that, not to her face.- How dare you!

0:02:39 > 0:02:42The elephant in the room is that your double is a lot younger.

0:02:42 > 0:02:45And...thinner.

0:02:45 > 0:02:48- And I got a better rack. - No, you haven't.

0:02:48 > 0:02:51You look like a gorilla, you're all covered in body hair.

0:02:51 > 0:02:54Make-up actually stuck all this on me, to make me look more like you.

0:02:54 > 0:02:57Right, that's it, I'll just do the nude scene myself, OK?

0:03:00 > 0:03:04- What?- It's just...nudity's a big part of the show.

0:03:04 > 0:03:07What else are nerds are going to knock one out to?

0:03:07 > 0:03:09They can knock one out to me!

0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Ah...- What?

0:03:11 > 0:03:13Mm...

0:03:13 > 0:03:15With the best will in the world it would be quite a struggle.

0:03:15 > 0:03:17How dare you!

0:03:17 > 0:03:20Amelia, we need to do a take. Places, everyone.

0:03:20 > 0:03:23Right, let's keep this nice and professional, mate, yeah?

0:03:23 > 0:03:24No getting over-excited.

0:03:24 > 0:03:26HE GROANS

0:03:28 > 0:03:30And...action!

0:03:30 > 0:03:33Let's see how this troublesome beast may be tamed.

0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, that's nice.

0:03:37 > 0:03:38MOANING AND GROANING

0:03:38 > 0:03:40Cut!

0:03:43 > 0:03:45That...was...stunning.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47Thank you.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49Right, that's it.

0:03:49 > 0:03:53I'm walking off the set. You can find someone else to play my role.

0:03:53 > 0:03:55Good luck finishing the series without me.

0:03:57 > 0:03:59What do I do now?

0:04:00 > 0:04:04Will you consider taking on Amelia's role as Ingabord?

0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yes.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08But I would need a clause in my contract.

0:04:08 > 0:04:09What's that?

0:04:09 > 0:04:11I want to be nude at all times.

0:04:11 > 0:04:14Sure!

0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Let's go for a take. - Right.

0:04:20 > 0:04:24Good evening and welcome to What's She Cross About?

0:04:24 > 0:04:27The game show that tests how much you really know about your partner.

0:04:27 > 0:04:30Playing tonight are a couple who've just celebrated

0:04:30 > 0:04:33their 20th wedding anniversary - Julie and Peter Evans!

0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Welcome to the show. - Hello.- Hi.

0:04:45 > 0:04:48So, Peter, you've got one minute to guess what your wife Julie

0:04:48 > 0:04:51- is cross about. - She's not.- I am.

0:04:51 > 0:04:54For everyone at home and our studio audience,

0:04:54 > 0:04:56here's what Julie is cross about.

0:04:58 > 0:05:01Right, peter, what's she cross about?

0:05:01 > 0:05:03Is it that time I broke wind in front of your mother?

0:05:03 > 0:05:05I thought that was her.

0:05:05 > 0:05:06Is this about Megan from work?

0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Who's Megan?- Nobody.

0:05:08 > 0:05:1030 seconds.

0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Is it something around the house? - Oh, it might be.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15Is it that time I dropped your toothbrush down the toilet?

0:05:15 > 0:05:18- What? When was that? - I didn't.- Time's running out,

0:05:18 > 0:05:20we're going to have to hurry you. What is she cross about?

0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Um...my internet search history? - Don't know your password.

0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, thank God for that.

0:05:25 > 0:05:27Ten seconds. What's she cross about?

0:05:27 > 0:05:28Too much time in the pub!

0:05:28 > 0:05:30Too little time in the pub!

0:05:30 > 0:05:32Telling you to vote Leave!

0:05:32 > 0:05:34Peeing in the sink!

0:05:34 > 0:05:36GONG AND KLAXON

0:05:36 > 0:05:39Time's up. Julie, please put Peter out of his misery.

0:05:39 > 0:05:41What are you cross about?

0:05:42 > 0:05:45He left a wet towel on the floor.

0:05:45 > 0:05:47When was that?

0:05:47 > 0:05:482012.

0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Well, why didn't you tell me then? - I shouldn't have to!

0:05:52 > 0:05:55So, no points there, I'm afraid.

0:05:55 > 0:05:58Time now to turn the tables as we play...

0:05:58 > 0:06:00What's He Cross About?

0:06:00 > 0:06:03For our viewers at home, let's see what Peter is cross about.

0:06:07 > 0:06:09OK, Julie, one minute on the clock.

0:06:09 > 0:06:10What's he cross about?

0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Football. - BELL DINGS

0:06:14 > 0:06:17Correct! See you after the break.

0:06:17 > 0:06:19APPLAUSE

0:06:28 > 0:06:30- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in.

0:06:30 > 0:06:32DOORKNOB RATTLES

0:06:34 > 0:06:37Ah, Mr Ballcock, it's you.

0:06:37 > 0:06:39Your knob's a bit stiff!

0:06:39 > 0:06:42HE LAUGHS

0:06:42 > 0:06:43That's quite enough of that.

0:06:43 > 0:06:48Now, I've had a number of complaints from female members of staff

0:06:48 > 0:06:51who you've made very uncomfortable with your lewd comments,

0:06:51 > 0:06:52and I won't have it in my factory.

0:06:52 > 0:06:53Where will you have it, then?

0:06:53 > 0:06:55HE LAUGHS

0:06:55 > 0:06:57I've had dozens of women in this office...

0:06:57 > 0:07:00I bet you have, you dirty old man! HE LAUGHS

0:07:00 > 0:07:02..so you'd better change your ways or you'll be facing

0:07:02 > 0:07:04a sexual harassment tribunal.

0:07:04 > 0:07:07Sexual? Corr! Harassment? Phwoar!

0:07:07 > 0:07:11Tribunal? Don't know what it means, but PHWOAR!

0:07:11 > 0:07:14Control yourself, Mr Ballcock! One more lewd comment from you

0:07:14 > 0:07:17and I'll be forced to take serious action!

0:07:17 > 0:07:18Tea lady!

0:07:18 > 0:07:21Oh, yes, come in, Miss Jugs.

0:07:27 > 0:07:29Mr Stern, your knob's a bit stiff.

0:07:32 > 0:07:34I've got a fresh pot of tea,

0:07:34 > 0:07:37- would you like me to give it to you right now?- Oh...!

0:07:37 > 0:07:40Yes, I'd like you to give it to me right here on the desk.

0:07:40 > 0:07:41Hm-hm-hm!

0:07:41 > 0:07:44Mr Ballcock, would you like me to give you one?

0:07:44 > 0:07:46Ahhhhh...!

0:07:46 > 0:07:47Yes, he'll have a cup of tea.

0:07:47 > 0:07:49How do you take it?

0:07:49 > 0:07:51Ahhhhh...!

0:07:51 > 0:07:53You're very quiet today, Mr Ballcock.

0:07:53 > 0:07:55Are you feeling yourself?

0:07:55 > 0:07:57Ho! Mmmm!

0:07:57 > 0:07:59Control yourself, Mr Ballcock.

0:07:59 > 0:08:01I said, are you feeling yourself today?

0:08:03 > 0:08:06After seeing you, I'll be feeling myself later!

0:08:06 > 0:08:07HE LAUGHS

0:08:07 > 0:08:09- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Mr Ballcock! - I can't help meself!

0:08:11 > 0:08:13Would you like to see my buns?

0:08:13 > 0:08:14Oh, I've seen 'em already!

0:08:14 > 0:08:16HE LAUGHS

0:08:16 > 0:08:18- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:18 > 0:08:20Sorry there's no cream on them.

0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, I'll squirt some cream on 'em later!

0:08:22 > 0:08:23HE LAUGHS

0:08:23 > 0:08:25- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:25 > 0:08:29Please, Miss Jugs! We've had complaints about you, too.

0:08:29 > 0:08:32I'm trying to reform Mr Ballcock and you're making it harder.

0:08:32 > 0:08:33It's hard enough already!

0:08:33 > 0:08:35HE LAUGHS

0:08:35 > 0:08:37- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:37 > 0:08:39Please, Miss Jugs, I'm not sure you're grasping this.

0:08:39 > 0:08:40Grasping!

0:08:40 > 0:08:42- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Here's the bottom line. - Bottom!

0:08:44 > 0:08:45HE LAUGHS

0:08:45 > 0:08:48If this doesn't stop I'll be pulling you both off the factory floor!

0:08:48 > 0:08:49Pulling you off!

0:08:49 > 0:08:52- LAUGHING:- Saucy! - You'll get the sack!

0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, ball sack, nut sack, testicle sack, d'you get it?

0:08:55 > 0:08:57Not as often as I'd like to get it!

0:08:57 > 0:08:59- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:08:59 > 0:09:00Quite, the both of you!

0:09:00 > 0:09:04I just want this factory to be a place where women can work without

0:09:04 > 0:09:07having to deal with smutty remarks from the male members of staff.

0:09:07 > 0:09:09BOTH: Male members!

0:09:09 > 0:09:10THEY LAUGH

0:09:10 > 0:09:12- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm doing this for you, love!

0:09:17 > 0:09:18Did you just call me "love"?

0:09:21 > 0:09:22Yes.

0:09:22 > 0:09:25Mr Stern...

0:09:26 > 0:09:29..I'm appalled at your sexism.

0:09:29 > 0:09:32I thought we'd moved on from a patriarchal society

0:09:32 > 0:09:34that denigrates women.

0:09:35 > 0:09:37As a feminist myself,

0:09:37 > 0:09:39I find it deeply offensive

0:09:39 > 0:09:43that you'd use a patronising and archaic term such as "love"

0:09:43 > 0:09:45to describe this crackin' bit of crumpet.

0:09:47 > 0:09:49I apologise unreservedly.

0:09:49 > 0:09:52I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this close to your chest.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54Well, I'd love to keep it close to her chest!

0:09:54 > 0:09:56- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Breast!- Oh!

0:09:58 > 0:09:59Ladies' bits!

0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Men's willies!- Oh!

0:10:04 > 0:10:06- LAUGHING:- Saucy!

0:10:06 > 0:10:11Opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return with their brand-new album,

0:10:11 > 0:10:15Songs Off Of Children's Telly.

0:10:15 > 0:10:18# Oh! Byker Grove!

0:10:18 > 0:10:20# Oh, Byker, Byker

0:10:20 > 0:10:24# Byker Grove. #

0:10:24 > 0:10:28Opera lovers everywhere will adore the Iggle Piggle concerto

0:10:28 > 0:10:31from the operetta In The Night Garden.

0:10:31 > 0:10:35# Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle

0:10:35 > 0:10:39# Iggle Piggle-wiggle-niggle-piggle

0:10:39 > 0:10:43# Yes, my name is Iggle Piggle

0:10:43 > 0:10:48# Iggle Piggle-niggle-wiggle-woo. #

0:10:49 > 0:10:55Experience a once-in-a-lifetime operatic duet. Together at last -

0:10:55 > 0:10:59Il Prima Donnas and Katherine Jenkins.

0:10:59 > 0:11:01# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

0:11:01 > 0:11:03# Ch-ChuckleVision

0:11:03 > 0:11:07# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

0:11:07 > 0:11:10# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision

0:11:10 > 0:11:13# Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision Ch-Ch-ChuckleVision. #

0:11:13 > 0:11:17Il Prima Donnas' Songs Off Of Children's Telly,

0:11:17 > 0:11:22available now, by the mince in service stations.

0:11:22 > 0:11:25# Bob the builder

0:11:25 > 0:11:28# Can we fix it?

0:11:28 > 0:11:30# Bob the builder

0:11:30 > 0:11:34# Yes, we can. #

0:11:37 > 0:11:39Can you remember, like...

0:11:39 > 0:11:40What?

0:11:40 > 0:11:41Like, back in the day.

0:11:41 > 0:11:43When?

0:11:43 > 0:11:45Like, back in the DAY.

0:11:45 > 0:11:47What was that game we was always playin'?

0:11:47 > 0:11:48Game? What game?

0:11:48 > 0:11:51You know, back in the day, that game we was always playin'

0:11:51 > 0:11:53where we was, like, tryin' to find things.

0:11:53 > 0:11:57- Oh, like hide and seek?- Nah, nah, nah, back in the day, you know,

0:11:57 > 0:11:58we'd be, like,

0:11:58 > 0:12:01looking for them things in the garden and all over the streets.

0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Oh, you mean, like, looking for eggs at Easter?- No!

0:12:05 > 0:12:08Like, back in the day, you know, and we'd be, like,

0:12:08 > 0:12:10you'd be on your phone and you was tryin'

0:12:10 > 0:12:12to collect them little monsters.

0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Oh, Pokemon Go. - Pokemon Go! That's it.

0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Back in the day.- Yeah, but, I mean, I wouldn't say that was, like,

0:12:18 > 0:12:21- back in the day, that was, like, last week, innit?- Yeah, last week,

0:12:21 > 0:12:22like, well back in the day.

0:12:24 > 0:12:27D'you remember back in the day what a ball ache it was to watch a movie?

0:12:27 > 0:12:31Oh, what, like, goin' down Blockbusters an', like, get a DVD?

0:12:31 > 0:12:33No, I'm talking, like, back in the DAY.

0:12:33 > 0:12:36Oh, when you had to wait ages for, like, a movie to come out

0:12:36 > 0:12:37an' watch it on the TV?

0:12:37 > 0:12:40Nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm talkin', like, back in the DAY!

0:12:40 > 0:12:42You know, when you be, like, sittin' on a bus,

0:12:42 > 0:12:45you'd have to get your phone out your pocket and press play.

0:12:45 > 0:12:48What you mean, like... watchin' a movie on your phone?

0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yeah, that's it, you got it.

0:12:50 > 0:12:52But that ain't back in the day, that was, like, this mornin'.

0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yeah, this mornin', back in the day.

0:12:55 > 0:12:57Well back in the day.

0:12:57 > 0:13:00D'you remember, like, back in the day when was just chillin'

0:13:00 > 0:13:03- and chattin' an' that.- What, at my mum's house?- Nah, I'm talkin', like,

0:13:03 > 0:13:06- back-back-back-back-back-back-back in the day.- Oh, in the playground.

0:13:06 > 0:13:08Nah, nah, I'm talkin' back in the DAY!

0:13:08 > 0:13:11You know, when we was, like, sittin' on this sofa,

0:13:11 > 0:13:13but it was made of wood.

0:13:16 > 0:13:19- D'you mean this bench? - Yeah! That's it.

0:13:19 > 0:13:23I've got, like, this memory of us sittin' on this bench,

0:13:23 > 0:13:25talkin' about Pokemon Go.

0:13:25 > 0:13:29No, that ain't back in the day, though, is it? That is NOW!

0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Yeah!- "Back in the day" is a long time ago!

0:13:32 > 0:13:35It don't mean now, innit?!

0:13:35 > 0:13:37All right, I got it.

0:13:41 > 0:13:44D'you remember back in the day when you told me

0:13:44 > 0:13:47- what back in the day meant? - Oh, shut up!

0:13:47 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE

0:13:49 > 0:13:54Time now for round two - What's Different About her?

0:13:54 > 0:13:56And for the viewers at home...

0:13:56 > 0:13:59let's see what's different about Julie.

0:14:00 > 0:14:01OK, Peter.

0:14:03 > 0:14:08You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts...now!

0:14:08 > 0:14:11- What's different about her? - You've lost weight.- No.

0:14:11 > 0:14:12- You've put on weight.- No!

0:14:12 > 0:14:14No, you don't look like you have.

0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Your rash has gone.- What rash?

0:14:16 > 0:14:18Um... Er...

0:14:18 > 0:14:20- You've finally had your teeth fixed. - No!

0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Is it something to do with hair? - You're getting warmer.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25- You've waxed your moustache.- No.

0:14:25 > 0:14:27- You've shaved your ears?- No!

0:14:27 > 0:14:29GONG AND KLAXON

0:14:29 > 0:14:30Time's up.

0:14:30 > 0:14:33Julie, tell us, what is different about you?

0:14:34 > 0:14:37I've gone blonde!

0:14:37 > 0:14:40Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I was going to say that, yeah.

0:14:40 > 0:14:43- What were you before?- Brunette! - Yeah, brunette!

0:14:43 > 0:14:45I knew that, I knew that.

0:14:45 > 0:14:48Julie, now it's your turn to play!

0:14:51 > 0:14:55For the viewers at home, let's see what's different about Peter.

0:14:58 > 0:15:01OK, Julie, 30 seconds on the clock. What's different about Peter?

0:15:03 > 0:15:05- He's shaved. - BELL DINGS

0:15:05 > 0:15:07Correct! See you after the break.

0:15:11 > 0:15:13FOG HORN

0:15:13 > 0:15:15COUGHING

0:15:15 > 0:15:19Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

0:15:19 > 0:15:24your entertainment for this evening - Miss Gina Ferrari!

0:15:24 > 0:15:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:31 > 0:15:34Thank you! Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen, and good evening.

0:15:34 > 0:15:38It's a very special night tonight because I've been told

0:15:38 > 0:15:40we've got a big, hotshot manager in the audience.

0:15:40 > 0:15:44A big round of applause, please, for Mick Waterhouse!

0:15:50 > 0:15:53"No pressure, Gina! Just your last chance at the big time."

0:15:53 > 0:15:54OK.

0:15:59 > 0:16:02# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

0:16:02 > 0:16:03# You can always go... #

0:16:03 > 0:16:05Just to say, Mick, sorry -

0:16:05 > 0:16:08there's nothing wrong with working on cruise ships.

0:16:08 > 0:16:11Some of the most talented entertainers work on cruise ships.

0:16:11 > 0:16:13I'm just ready for a change.

0:16:17 > 0:16:21# When you're alone and life is making you... #

0:16:21 > 0:16:24Sorry, when I say "change", I mean, I am happy where I am.

0:16:24 > 0:16:27Although I would pack this in at the drop of a hat

0:16:27 > 0:16:29if I was offered a record deal.

0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'd steal a lifeboat if I had to!

0:16:31 > 0:16:36"Oh, come on, Gina, you're supposed to be singing, not prattling on."

0:16:36 > 0:16:38OK, here we go.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

0:16:42 > 0:16:45Oh, I meant to say, I've already got a big online fan base.

0:16:45 > 0:16:48326 followers on Twitter.

0:16:48 > 0:16:52If all them of them bought an album, tenner an album, you do the maths.

0:16:55 > 0:16:56# When you're alone and life... #

0:16:56 > 0:17:00Just over three grand. I did it in my head, see?

0:17:00 > 0:17:01Not just a pretty face.

0:17:01 > 0:17:03Got a business mind, too.

0:17:03 > 0:17:06I want to be like Beyonce, running me own empire -

0:17:06 > 0:17:08clothing range, perfume, leisurewear.

0:17:10 > 0:17:13# When you're alone and life is making you... #

0:17:13 > 0:17:15I mean, I'm not getting ahead of meself here, Mick.

0:17:15 > 0:17:18I just know that deep down in my heart I've got something special.

0:17:21 > 0:17:23# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

0:17:23 > 0:17:26It came across a bit arrogant, that, didn't it? "Something special."

0:17:26 > 0:17:30But those aren't my words. Those are the words of the Whitby Gazette.

0:17:30 > 0:17:32Gave me two stars.

0:17:35 > 0:17:36# When you're alone and life is... #

0:17:36 > 0:17:38..out of three, not five.

0:17:38 > 0:17:39That wouldn't be so good.

0:17:42 > 0:17:45# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

0:17:45 > 0:17:46# You can... #

0:17:46 > 0:17:49Actually, the reviewer was a bit of an arsehole.

0:17:49 > 0:17:53I mean, he used the word "flawless". How is that not three stars?

0:17:54 > 0:17:56# When you're alone and life is making you lonely... #

0:17:56 > 0:17:59But when I see an arsehole I call him an arsehole.

0:17:59 > 0:18:02But don't think you couldn't trust me to headline the Royal Variety -

0:18:02 > 0:18:04you could. No way I'd say "arsehole" in front of the Queen!

0:18:06 > 0:18:09# When you're alone and life is making you lonely

0:18:09 > 0:18:11# You can always go... #

0:18:11 > 0:18:14Oh, that's it. He's off. Seen enough, have you?

0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Too old, Gina!" Well, good!

0:18:17 > 0:18:21Because I don't need you, anyway! That's right, go on, walk out!

0:18:21 > 0:18:23Screw you, you...arsehole!

0:18:25 > 0:18:27Sorry, what was that?

0:18:29 > 0:18:31You're just going to the toilet? OK.

0:18:31 > 0:18:33Sorry.

0:18:33 > 0:18:36Well, I take that back. OK, we'll wait for you.

0:18:41 > 0:18:43- MUSIC STARTS - Wait!

0:18:43 > 0:18:44MUSIC STOPS

0:18:48 > 0:18:52Welcome back to Middle-class Jeremy Kyle.

0:18:52 > 0:18:55Now it's time to meet a vicar

0:18:55 > 0:18:58with the parishioner from hell.

0:18:58 > 0:19:01Please welcome to the show Reverend Stevens.

0:19:07 > 0:19:12So, Rev, tell us about this sickening turn of events.

0:19:12 > 0:19:15Well, after Sunday service there's a rota

0:19:15 > 0:19:19where one of the ladies of the parish bakes a cake,

0:19:19 > 0:19:21which we all enjoy with coffee.

0:19:21 > 0:19:26We take great pride in our baked cakes at St Christopher's.

0:19:26 > 0:19:30Last week it was Meredith's turn and I'm pretty sure she brought a cake

0:19:30 > 0:19:33from a supermarket and pretended that she baked it herself.

0:19:33 > 0:19:35Despicable!

0:19:35 > 0:19:38Let's bring out the evil hag!

0:19:38 > 0:19:42BOOING

0:19:42 > 0:19:46All right, let's not judge this turd of a woman just yet.

0:19:47 > 0:19:49So, Meredith...

0:19:51 > 0:19:54..tell us your side of the story.

0:19:54 > 0:19:59I don't know why Reverend Stevens would say that. I did bake the cake.

0:19:59 > 0:20:03Well, I ate five slices of it and I'm pretty sure it came from Tesco.

0:20:03 > 0:20:08Well, earlier today, we sent Meredith here

0:20:08 > 0:20:11for a lie detector test.

0:20:11 > 0:20:15She was kicking and screaming but we strapped her into it anyway.

0:20:15 > 0:20:21And the results are in. We asked Meredith, "Was the cake from Tesco?"

0:20:21 > 0:20:24She answered, "No."

0:20:24 > 0:20:26Our lie detector said...

0:20:26 > 0:20:29TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:34 > 0:20:36..she was lying.

0:20:36 > 0:20:37AUDIENCE GASP

0:20:37 > 0:20:40It was from the Tesco Finest range.

0:20:42 > 0:20:45- God forgives you. - He might, but I don't!

0:20:45 > 0:20:49OK, Meredith, I think we all know how this goes.

0:20:49 > 0:20:52First, you pull off a shop-bought cake as your own.

0:20:52 > 0:20:56Next thing we know, you're burning down the church, stripping naked,

0:20:56 > 0:21:01covering yourself in goat's blood and praising the dark lord himself.

0:21:01 > 0:21:02Praise be to Satan!

0:21:02 > 0:21:06I really believe that what we need here is forgiveness.

0:21:06 > 0:21:07Shut up, Reverend!

0:21:07 > 0:21:10Or I'll get Steve here to smack you on the bottom

0:21:10 > 0:21:12with one of your own hymn books.

0:21:12 > 0:21:15Well, if that is God's will...

0:21:15 > 0:21:18Shut your face! Right, this is what needs to happen -

0:21:18 > 0:21:21YOU need to bake your own cakes! It's not hard.

0:21:21 > 0:21:23Eggs, flour...

0:21:25 > 0:21:27Just watch Bake Off. And you...

0:21:27 > 0:21:31need to stop flirting with Steve. It'll get you nowhere.

0:21:31 > 0:21:33He's bi-curious, at best.

0:21:33 > 0:21:35Now get off my show

0:21:35 > 0:21:39before I bake a cake and shove it up both of your arses!

0:21:40 > 0:21:43If you'd like to be a guest on the show, just call the number below.

0:21:43 > 0:21:45Goodbye!

0:21:45 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE

0:21:52 > 0:21:54Look at him.

0:21:55 > 0:21:57Look at him.

0:21:58 > 0:22:00That's my hubby, that is.

0:22:00 > 0:22:01Hot, ain't he?

0:22:03 > 0:22:07He should be in list of Top Ten Hottest Guys In World.

0:22:07 > 0:22:09And I'm the luckiest girl alive.

0:22:11 > 0:22:13Feel like I've won Lottery every day.

0:22:13 > 0:22:18I wake up and I see him lying next to me naked.

0:22:18 > 0:22:22And I say "Ooh, yeah, please, I'll have a portion of that!"

0:22:25 > 0:22:29Ticks every box. Great conversation - tick.

0:22:29 > 0:22:32Hot bod - double tick.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34Smashing sense of humour - triple tick.

0:22:37 > 0:22:40I only have to look at him and I know what he's thinking.

0:22:40 > 0:22:43Just that lickle look and I roll with laughter.

0:22:43 > 0:22:45Look, he's doing it now - look.

0:22:46 > 0:22:47Stop it, you.

0:22:53 > 0:22:55If you start me off, I won't stop.

0:22:57 > 0:23:00Tough at times being with such an Adonis.

0:23:00 > 0:23:05As you can imagine, when we go out I have to fight off womenfolk.

0:23:06 > 0:23:08Holidays are worst, though,

0:23:08 > 0:23:11when he's on beach in only his Speedos...

0:23:12 > 0:23:15..giving the ladies a glimpse of his lickle wrinkly ball bag.

0:23:17 > 0:23:20And all senoritas, they gather round to have a gawp,

0:23:20 > 0:23:22they're like flies round shit.

0:23:22 > 0:23:25"Who is he? Is he an actor?

0:23:25 > 0:23:27"A model?" they ask. And I say, "No.

0:23:29 > 0:23:31"That's my husband, Clive Stoat."

0:23:33 > 0:23:37"Is he... Is he a model and pop star in films?" and I say, "No."

0:23:39 > 0:23:41Actually, my Clive's currently unemployed

0:23:41 > 0:23:42on account of his gangrene.

0:23:44 > 0:23:47Not everyone gets to meet the perfect man.

0:23:48 > 0:23:51Sometimes I think of all girls he could've had if he'd wanted.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53Nicole Scherkinger.

0:23:54 > 0:23:55No.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58Angelina Jolly.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01In your dreams, love.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03Ry-anna, jog on.

0:24:06 > 0:24:10Because Clive picked me - Bertha Stoat.

0:24:11 > 0:24:14And he's made me happiest girl in world.

0:24:16 > 0:24:17Ain't ya?

0:24:19 > 0:24:22Right, come on, sexy.

0:24:22 > 0:24:26Let's hoist you onto toilet.

0:24:27 > 0:24:29We all have dreams as children

0:24:29 > 0:24:32but very few of us get to see those dreams come true.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35Trudi Funt loved playing with her dolls so much

0:24:35 > 0:24:37she actually changed her name to Barbie.

0:24:37 > 0:24:40This is the story of Barbie Funt.

0:24:43 > 0:24:45I used to play with Barbie when I were a little,

0:24:45 > 0:24:48up to the age of about, er, 27.

0:24:49 > 0:24:53And, er, I always hoped that one day I'd grow up to be Barbie

0:24:53 > 0:24:54and now I have -

0:24:54 > 0:24:56a beautiful, real-life princess.

0:24:59 > 0:25:02But this Barbie's dream hasn't come cheap.

0:25:02 > 0:25:04Well, this were five grand.

0:25:04 > 0:25:08These were two grand. These were a grand each.

0:25:08 > 0:25:09This were ten grand.

0:25:09 > 0:25:11Still saving up for this one.

0:25:12 > 0:25:15Did cost a lot but I were dead lucky cos, er,

0:25:15 > 0:25:17me nan got hit by a truck.

0:25:18 > 0:25:19She left me all the money.

0:25:19 > 0:25:21Thank you, Nanna.

0:25:22 > 0:25:26I know she's looking down on me now right proud, thinking, "Nice tit."

0:25:28 > 0:25:32Barbie Funt's obsession has made it hard for her to form relationships,

0:25:32 > 0:25:35but she finally found a soul mate in local electrician Darren.

0:25:35 > 0:25:37This is my dream man - Ken.

0:25:37 > 0:25:38Darren.

0:25:40 > 0:25:43If anything, he's more of a Barbie fan than I am.

0:25:43 > 0:25:46I don't think that's possible, my love.

0:25:46 > 0:25:49So I sold his motorbike and all his mum's furniture

0:25:49 > 0:25:51and look what it paid for -

0:25:51 > 0:25:5317 separate procedures.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56And a lot of arse ache from the lads at work.

0:25:57 > 0:25:58I made him have it all done -

0:25:58 > 0:26:03teeth, highlights, liposuction, buttock lift,

0:26:03 > 0:26:06breast reduction, nipple relocation.

0:26:07 > 0:26:10But the one thing I love about a Ken doll

0:26:10 > 0:26:13is that he's smooth as a runway down there.

0:26:13 > 0:26:15Totally hairless. But he wouldn't do it.

0:26:17 > 0:26:21So when Ken were asleep I immacced his privates.

0:26:21 > 0:26:25She left it on too long. Hurt like buggery. Went red raw.

0:26:26 > 0:26:27Having found her Ken,

0:26:27 > 0:26:30this Barbie is now ready to live happily ever after.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32And we're gonna get married.

0:26:32 > 0:26:33Are we?

0:26:33 > 0:26:36Yeah. It's gonna be the Barbie dream wedding.

0:26:36 > 0:26:39We're gonna have a life-size princess carriage

0:26:39 > 0:26:41pulled by four pink ponies.

0:26:41 > 0:26:43You can't get pink ponies.

0:26:43 > 0:26:46Just spray 'em, Ken. Use the paint left over from your van.

0:26:47 > 0:26:51I'll be in a diamond-encrusted princess dress with a diamond tiara.

0:26:51 > 0:26:53He'll be in a diamond encrusted thong.

0:26:53 > 0:26:56You what?

0:26:56 > 0:26:59Best thing is, just like the real Barbie and Ken,

0:26:59 > 0:27:03we're gonna be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

0:27:03 > 0:27:06And one day we'll have a little Barbie running round.

0:27:06 > 0:27:08Well, what if we have a boy?

0:27:08 > 0:27:10Well, these days there's procedures for that.

0:27:15 > 0:27:19Welcome back. Time now for our quickfire round -

0:27:19 > 0:27:21What Do You Love About Him?

0:27:24 > 0:27:27Julie, you're first up, you have just ten seconds

0:27:27 > 0:27:31to list all the things you love about Peter, as many as you can.

0:27:31 > 0:27:33Your time starts now.

0:27:33 > 0:27:35Er, well, we have a laugh together.

0:27:35 > 0:27:37He's good round the house.

0:27:37 > 0:27:42He always sends me for a curry on a Friday night, um, looks after me.

0:27:42 > 0:27:45He's good with the kids, er, works hard,

0:27:45 > 0:27:47we've been together for so long, he knows me better than anybody.

0:27:47 > 0:27:49GONG RINGS

0:27:49 > 0:27:52Seven things!

0:27:54 > 0:27:56Let's see if Peter can do any better.

0:27:58 > 0:28:02OK, Peter, you've got ten seconds and seven to beat.

0:28:02 > 0:28:04What do you love about Julie?

0:28:04 > 0:28:06Your time starts now.

0:28:07 > 0:28:10Um...

0:28:10 > 0:28:12Um... Um...

0:28:12 > 0:28:14Um...

0:28:16 > 0:28:17Her tits!

0:28:17 > 0:28:19GONG RINGS

0:28:22 > 0:28:25So, Peter managed one.

0:28:26 > 0:28:27Technically it's two.

0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Forget all your troubles

0:28:31 > 0:28:33# Forget all your cares and go down... #

0:28:33 > 0:28:36Sorry, I forgot to say the toilets on G Deck are blocked.