0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.
0:00:03 > 0:00:04As a public broadcaster,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08it's essential that we avoid bias by always hearing both sides
0:00:08 > 0:00:11of an argument. For example, any airtime we give
0:00:11 > 0:00:14to a Conservative, we must also give equal airtime
0:00:14 > 0:00:17to a crazy commie from the opposition.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21If the BBC present a news piece about the royal family,
0:00:21 > 0:00:25to avoid bias, we must also feature an antimonarchist,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27even if they are a dirty, ignorant crusty.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32If a documentary features the Archbishop of Canterbury,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36we must also feature a nonbeliever, even if God will smite them down,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39send them to hell and punish them for all eternity.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And if we have a man on to talk about serious issues,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46like the economy or foreign affairs,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48we're also obliged to let a woman appear
0:00:48 > 0:00:50to gas on about shoes or diets or something.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Goodnight.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17He's a hard-bitten cop, looking for a new partner.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21She's a menopausal lady with a huge collection of Tupperware.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Together they are Good Cop, Indian Mum Cop.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Now, come on. You're on the bank's CCTV.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We find 400 grand in your flat.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37You're bang to rights. Why don't you just confess?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Don't know what you're talking about, mate.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Oh, come on, Razor, I'm trying to make it easy for you.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49So you've tried the good cop act, what you going to do -
0:01:49 > 0:01:52try and get me to squeal with a bad cop?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You'll see. Come in.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55He's all yours.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Hello, darling.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Agh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Loafer, rapscallion, big girl's sari.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11She's not allowed to do that.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I can do what the bloody hell I like.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I've seen your file. I've talked to your aunt.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Oh, yes, me and your Auntie Pat had a nice long chat.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You spoke to Auntie Pat?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Do you want to kill your auntie with shame?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Auntie Pat don't need to know about this.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Too late, Sonny the Jim.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36And if she doesn't put you over her knee, I will.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Duffer! Dunce! No-bollocks Nancy!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- So, you ready to confess? - Confess to what?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Confess to being a disappointment.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47I'm not a disappointment.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, really? Do you have a girlfriend?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- No.- Aha!
0:02:53 > 0:02:58My sister-in-law's cousin's daughter has been single for ever.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Do you like very big girls with monobrows?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Can we just get back to talking about the robbery?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07This is a photograph of your bedroom,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09where we found the 400 grand.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10SHE GASPS
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Argh! What's that for?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Look at the state of your room. Do you want to catch diseases?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19When are you going to give your mother some grandchildren?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21What's that got to do with anything?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's got everything to do with everything.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Your poor mother, don't be so selfish!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27She's the real victim here.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, I think the real victim's the bank.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Ow!
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Tell me, Razor, are you eating properly?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- What?- Oh, look at you, you're so thin.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43You're wasting away.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Let me give you something.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We can't expect you to talk when you're hungry.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- No, no, I'm fine.- Samosa?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51- No, no, I'm...- Pakora?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- No, I don't want nothing. - Aloo tikki?- No.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Biryani?- No.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Chapati, falooda, dosa, egg curry, bhindi, malak...
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Twix?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- I'll have the Twix. - Hey! Not for you.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Leave it alone. You're too fat already.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08You are a bit lumpy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Look at him. Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16No wonder Priya didn't want to go out with him.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Razor, tell me, what are you planning to do with the money?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- What money?- The money you stole.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27You can't leave it lying around.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You really should put it into property.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34My friend Sushma, she is selling her place.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- You know Sushma? - No.- Everybody knows Sushma.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Mercedes. One very big ear, one very small ear.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- I haven't got any money. - I can get you a very good deal.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Three bedrooms, double garage, gas barbecue.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- I'm skint.- Hot tub in the garden for your hot date with Priya.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- No, I haven't got a penny. - It's only 400,000.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- She take cash? - Got you.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Ha! That... is for stealing the money!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That is for not eating my food!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12And this is for having filthy thoughts about Priya!
0:05:12 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Get off him, he's not worth it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You're two weeks from retirement.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- BREATHLESS:- I'm all right. I'm all right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25We've got what we need, now take him away.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28OK. Come on, darling.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Argh!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Where are you taking me, to the cells?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34No, to the bank, to apologise.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Move away from the Twix!
0:05:40 > 0:05:46Opera boy band Il Primadonnas return with their brand-new album,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Songs Of The Playground, including this tender ballad.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55# Pick it, lick it roll it, flick it
0:05:55 > 0:05:57# Lick it... #
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Let them captivate you with their rousing rendition
0:06:03 > 0:06:05of English Country Garden.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# What do you do when you want to do a poo
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- ALL:- # In an English country garden?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15# Pull down your pants and suffocate the ants
0:06:15 > 0:06:23# In an English country ga-a-a-rden. #
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Witness Il Primadonnas at their most passionate as they sing
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yum-Yum, Bubble Gum.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33# Yum-yum, bubble gum, stick it up the teacher's bum
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# When it sticks, pull her tits then we'll all have Weetabix
0:06:35 > 0:06:38# Yum-yum, bubble gum, stick it up the teacher's bum
0:06:38 > 0:06:42# When it sticks, pull her tits then we'll all have Weetabix. #
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Marvel at the epic love story of
0:06:44 > 0:06:48star-crossed lovers Fatty and Skinny.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52# Fatty and Skinny were in the bath Fatty blew off and Skinny laughed
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha. #
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Listen in wonder as Il Primadonnas dig deep into their souls to channel
0:07:00 > 0:07:04the heartfelt pain of diarrhoea.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10# People think it's funny but it's really hot and runny, diarrhoea
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Diarrhoea
0:07:13 > 0:07:18# People think it's funny but it's really hot and runny, diarrhoea
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# Diarrhoea. #
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Il Primadonnas' Songs Of The Playground -
0:07:25 > 0:07:29the perfect album to give your loved one this Valentine's Day.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32# My friend Billy had a ten-foot Willy
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# And he showed it to the girl next door
0:07:34 > 0:07:36# She thought it was a snake and she hit him with a rake
0:07:36 > 0:07:37# And now it's only four foot four
0:07:37 > 0:07:39# Now it's only four foot four
0:07:39 > 0:07:41# Four foot four. #
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I know, and it wasn't even that expensive.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48So I thought, "Why not? Go on, treat yourself."
0:07:48 > 0:07:49ENTRY BUZZER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Oh, it's here. Wish me luck.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Somebody order a malebot?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Yes, that's right. - Sign here, love.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Thank you.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So, where is he?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It's me.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Sorry, you're the pleasure robot?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- That's right, darling.- Are you sure?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You don't look like a robot.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27We are getting more and more realistic every day.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh, no. No, no, no, I think there's been some sort of mix-up.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33The... The robot I ordered looks like this.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, yeah, a lot of ladies do go
0:08:35 > 0:08:37for that model, the Cristiano.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I'm the Terry. - But I want a Cristiano.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, you should have read your contract.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49If he is out of stock, Malebot Inc endeavour
0:08:49 > 0:08:52to replace him with a product that is similar
0:08:52 > 0:08:53or higher quality.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And that's you, is it?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Yeah. It's like Ocado.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01You order bog rolls and you get nappies.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06But I don't understand why they had to make a robot so unattractive.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I'll have you know, love, this ain't fat,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13there's a lot of state-of-the-art technology packed into here.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And they had to put it all in your belly, did they?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19No. Some of it's in me chins.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21A lot of it's on my arse.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Right, now, get out the way. I want to have a sit down.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30You really need to get a lift in a building of this size.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It's two floors.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Yeah, tell me about it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Now...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39..plug this in, will you?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Where?- Plug socket.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, thank God for that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Ohh. That's better.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Robot equivalent of a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Five minutes, I'll be good to go.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59So where do you want to start, bedroom?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01N-No. Thank you.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You sure? Rutting is my prime directive.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I've been programmed with over two sexual positions.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Well, actually, that is a step up from ex-husband,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13but, no, sorry, never.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16So why don't you cook me something then?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You do cook, don't you? I saw it on the website.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Oh, yeah, about that,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23the truth is I deleted the cordon bleu cooking programme.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I wanted to record the West Ham game.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28This really isn't working out, is it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I would like to return you straightaway.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Sorry, love, you've already signed for me.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I just want you to go!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Listen, all us Malebot 5000s are programmed
0:10:39 > 0:10:41to give sensitive emotional advice.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46- Really?- Yes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Now, come on, Jenny, I sense hurt.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Let me in.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, Terry, you're right.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I suppose you must have guessed by the fact that I ordered you
0:11:00 > 0:11:04that there's a hole my life. After my marriage broke down,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I had a few relationships, but none of them seemed to last.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And I've tried internet dating, but men my age just aren't interested
0:11:11 > 0:11:15in women my age. I suppose that's when I saw
0:11:15 > 0:11:17your advert for the malebot.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21And I thought you could be the answer to all my dreams.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22SNORING
0:11:29 > 0:11:31HE BREAKS WIND
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh. Oh.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- NERVOUS VOICE:- Here at Safe Savers,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40our staff are proud to bring you unbeatable value.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- FLAT VOICE: - Check out the cheese section,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46where we have lots of cheap...cheeses.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Psst!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Art thou looking for great value sau-sages?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Then stop! Look no further.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Your quest is at an end, my friend.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Thou will never, ever find cheaper sau-sages.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05We've got a great deal on bin bags.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Our price on all multipacks of crisps.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Check out the savings all over the store.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17We will SAVE you £1.50 on beef-bur-gers.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Buy this curry sauce, get double Super Savers points.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Just out-of-date biscuits - half price.
0:12:28 > 0:12:3150% off these chicken "nou-get".
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Yorkshirean puddings,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36mini cay-akes and chicken...
0:12:36 > 0:12:37SATAY!
0:12:39 > 0:12:44If thou thinkest thou canst get a cheaper deal elsewhere,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47then you can take your money back!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Never darken the door of Super Savers again!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Super Savers.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- OTHERS MUMBLE:- ..never be beaten...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Our prices will never, ever be beaten.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And bow.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Exit stage left.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Encore. For me?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Good evening, and welcome to Election Debate Live,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32where we have representatives from all the major political parties.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37We'll start tonight with an audience question from Major Gerard Napier.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Ever since I was a young boy,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I've been a fan of the pop singer Justin Bieber.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And as a staunch Belieber,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I would like to ask the panel their view on the Bieb's hair.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Should it be combed forward or short and spiky?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Charles Edwards, Conservative.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The Conservative Party have always
0:13:58 > 0:14:00had a clear vision for Justin Bieber's hair.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02We want it back to how it was
0:14:02 > 0:14:05when he first went viral on YouTube.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Combed or brushed forward!
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Ruth Williams, Labour.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Typical. This just shows how completely out of touch
0:14:12 > 0:14:14the Government is with modern Britain.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17If you actually speak to the hard-working families
0:14:17 > 0:14:18in this country - as I have -
0:14:18 > 0:14:21they like Bieb's hair best when it was long on the top,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24shaved on the sides and he looked like a lesbian.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What is Ukip's position on Justin Bieber's hair?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Let's have a reality check here.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33When it was long, around the time of his collaboration
0:14:33 > 0:14:36with Sean Kingston on the single Eenie Meanie,
0:14:36 > 0:14:37J Biebs looked like a girl.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39A very attractive girl, I'll warrant you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43A girl I would very much like to kiss, but a girl nevertheless.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46A crewcut is much more appropriate. Short and neat.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48At last, he looks like a man.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50A man I would very much like to kiss.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55With all due respect, no way should JB's hair be short.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59If you actually take the time to sit down and watch the video for
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh hundreds of times, as I have,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05you'll see Justin's hair at its best -
0:15:05 > 0:15:09silky and luscious and perfectly framing his adorable face,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12which sits proudly atop his banging bod.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Now, the Conservative...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16No, no, no, you've had your say, you've had your say.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21Bieb's hair has to be Ross Kemp on the sides, Clare Balding on the top.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24May I remind the panel they're not discussing
0:15:24 > 0:15:27JB's buns, guns or killer abs tonight.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29We covered those in depth last week in Norwich.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Before we move onto the next question,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I'd like to bring in the leader of the Scottish National Party.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, thank you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45We in Scotland feel there is much more pressing issues facing us today
0:15:45 > 0:15:47than a Canadian pop star's hair.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Let him have it whatever way he wants.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52As long as it's dyed ginger!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54No way...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04A group of celebrities who used to captivate their audience.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Now, their audience are holding them captive.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Will they ever be let out?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11No. They should have read the small print.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15This is the most degrading reality show on television.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Welcome to Celebrity Slammer!
0:16:31 > 0:16:343987.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Eamonn Holmes is receiving a visit from his TV
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and real life wife Ruth Langsford.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You know, I'm beginning to think, love,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44that it was a big mistake you signing me up
0:16:44 > 0:16:45for this Celebrity Slammer.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Yeah, but your appearance fee paid for the most unbelievable holiday
0:16:49 > 0:16:52in the Maldives. We had nearly three months there. It was fantastic.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- We?- Well, anyway, doesn't matter.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56But you are coming over so well on TV.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Ruthie, I just want to come home.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Listen, darling, you've only got three years.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Two years with good behaviour.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Won't be long. - I miss you so much, darling.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Mmm, that's nice.- I love you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Oh, that's really sweet. - MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Oh, excuse me.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Hi, baby.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16About half an hour. No, doesn't suspect a thing.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Who was that? - Oh, doesn't matter.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Listen, it won't be long now
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I've got to go, but I'll see you, what, six months?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Six months?- Yeah, six months goes really quickly.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Listen, so proud of you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Pretend children's book author David Walliams is in the diary cell.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34If there is a plus side to Celebrity Slammer,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36it's that it's had a profound effect
0:17:36 > 0:17:37on some of the inmates.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Because we're all locked up, oh, 24 hours a day,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42quite a few cellmates have turned to religion.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Jim Davidson has joined the Hare Krishnas.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Chris Evans is now a Buddhist monk,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50he's shaved his head and taken a vow of silence,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53which is a relief for everyone.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And of course Nigel Farage has converted to Islam.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Sorry, I shouldn't call him "Nigel" Farage. Muhammad Farage.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05It's 4pm and Eamonn Holmes has returned to his shared cell.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Hey, I know what would cheer him up. We'll sing my favourite song.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Oh, good, let's have a go.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12# ChuckleVision Chuckle-ChuckleVision
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# ChuckleVision Chuckle-ChuckleVision... #
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Have you always dreamed of living like a Celebrity Slammer inmate?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Then why not enter our premium rate competition now
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and you could win these amazing prizes?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26A monogrammed slop bucket.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27A home-made knuckle-duster
0:18:27 > 0:18:29confiscated from Christopher Biggins.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31A year's supply of toilet roll.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35And a two-week luxury stay in the Chuckle Brothers' cell.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Terms and conditions apply. Winner will be detained for a period of
0:18:38 > 0:18:41up to 25 years. Winners must sleep between Paul and Barry Chuckle.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43'I am not going to tell her. You should tell her.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45'I can't tell her, she's six!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47'You get in there and tell her right now!'
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Hello, sweetheart.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hi, darling.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Tell me what, Daddy?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Oh, what are you playing with there?
0:18:58 > 0:19:03- Peppa Pig?- I'm making a house for Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Oh, well, what if Mummy Pig went to live
0:19:06 > 0:19:08in the Peppa Pig house and Daddy Pig
0:19:08 > 0:19:12went to live in the Peppa Pig car?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Why would Daddy Pig live in the Peppa Pig car?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Because he's looking for rented accommodation.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What's rented accommodation?
0:19:22 > 0:19:27It's where Daddy Pig goes when he's upset Mummy Pig.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Why has Daddy Pig upset Mummy Pig?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I'll let you take over.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Oh, no, no, no, why don't you carry on?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35You're doing so well.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41Well, you know Daddy Pig is really good friends with Captain Dog?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Daddy Pig and Captain Dog were at a heating and engineering conference
0:19:46 > 0:19:48just outside of Leicester.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51On the last night, Captain Dog
0:19:51 > 0:19:55knocked on Daddy Pig's hotel room door.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Was Captain Dog scared and wanted to sleep in Daddy Pig's bed?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yes. Something like that.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Daddy Pig was scared.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07But he was also heady with excitement.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Then, in the morning, Mummy Pig
0:20:09 > 0:20:12called Daddy Pig's hotel room,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and Captain Dog picked up the phone.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And Mummy Pig was a little bit cross.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19That's an understatement.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Why was she cross?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Because Mummy Pig went through Daddy Pig's text messages
0:20:25 > 0:20:30and Daddy Pig had to admit that for the past six months
0:20:30 > 0:20:33he'd be meeting up with Captain Dog in the Peppa Pig car.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37When he said he was looking at tools in B&Q.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Well, now we know what kind of tool he was really looking at.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46So are Daddy Pig and Captain Dog going to live together?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49No. Daddy Pig was very upset
0:20:49 > 0:20:53when he found that Captain Dog had a new best friend.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Called Raul, who he met on Grindr.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01What's that?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I'll let Mummy explain.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I'll be in the Peppa Pig car.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Thanks so much for coming in.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Today we are auditioning for the News At Ten.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Oh, right.- We are looking to cast the people
0:21:15 > 0:21:18who sit at computers and sort of mill around
0:21:18 > 0:21:20in the background behind the newsreaders.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Oh, that will be really interesting for me, actually,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26it's very different to the sort of roles I normally play.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Oh, what have you done before? - Oh, you know, a real range of parts,
0:21:30 > 0:21:35women in sari shop, corner shop owner's sister, Indian prostitute...
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Erm, woman in queue for Bollywood film, Mexican prostitute,
0:21:41 > 0:21:47women being frisked by airport security, Osama bin Laden's wife,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50woman in hat behind Ben Kingsley.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, and I'm in the new series of Casualty.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, great, who are you playing, one of the doctors?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Woman choking on poppadom.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, let's just look at this role today, shall we?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Does the character have a name? - Oh, yes, yes, she does.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08She does. She is called...
0:22:08 > 0:22:13"Woman Who Works In Newsroom (Racial Diversity Opportunity?)"
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Ah, so, very simple.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20All we need you to do is just walk into the background and pick up
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- that piece of paper.- OK.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23OK. Action.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Tonight's lead story.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The Prime Minister was at the G8 summit today to discuss...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- I'll stop you there.- Yeah?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35That was a bit big.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Was it?- Yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Why not just have another go?- OK.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Action.- Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Tonight's lead story.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51The Prime Minister was at the G8 summit today to discuss climate change...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Oh, my God, Clive, you've got to see this! It's awful!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56SHE SOBS THEATRICALLY
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- I'll stop you there.- Yeah?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You know what I said earlier about being a bit big?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Yeah.- You're doing it again.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Yes!- So...
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I've got an idea. Let's try something else.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Basically, the focus is on the newsreader.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16We just need you to be as real as possible.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17So why don't you just go into the background
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- and pick up the telephone as if a news story's come in? OK?- OK.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And...action.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Tonight's lead story, the Prime Minister...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Ring, ring! - ..was at the G8 summit...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Ring, ring!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Ring, ring!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Thanks a lot, I don't think this is for you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Oh. OK.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Well, oh, it's fine.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I've actually got a heavy pencil on another job
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- and there might have been a dates clash.- Oh, what's the role?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Mixed-heritage prostitute.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Good luck with that.- OK, well, thanks for seeing me anyway.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Bye.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Stop right there. That was brilliant.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00The way you just walked out, that was so real, so natural.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Really?- Yeah, just, just do it again for me.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- OK.- OK.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Action.- Good evening and welcome to the News At Ten.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Tonight's lead story...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Like that? - We'll let your agent know.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Your three o'clock is here.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, what's his name again?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- He says it's...Gaz. - OK. Send him in.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Oi, oi, it's Gaz!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Hello, Gaz. Well, your persistence has paid off.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Do have a seat. I believe you have an idea
0:24:40 > 0:24:42for a new TV show,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45so why don't I just let you dive in?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49It's Saturday night, teatime, and your hosts are Ant and Dec.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh, well, everybody loves Ant and Dec.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53So what's the show called?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Ant And Dec's Saturday Night Piss-Up.- Piss-up?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Ant and Dec come out, they have a bit of banter, usual stuff.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Ant says to Dec, "Oi, Dec, I hate your guts, you short prick!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:08And then Dec lamps Ant. They have a bit of a ruck.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- They have a fight? - Yeah, but Simon Cowells comes out,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14breaks up the fight and then he does his catchphrase.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18"Watch it, everybody!" And the audience all go, "Watch it, Simon!"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I've never heard him say that.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Yeah, you have. It's his catchphrase.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25And then he starts singing the Macarena.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Does the dance and all.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# Oh, Macarena. #
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- But Clarksons, he don't like it. - Jeremy Clarkson?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Yeah, he's in it, keep up. And he's got a bazooka.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35A bazooka?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Yeah, you can get them quite cheap these days.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And he's going, "Simon, stop singing."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And Simon's going, "Ohhh, Macarena!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:46So Clarkson gets out his bazooka and blows up Simon Cowells.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Ad break.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Right, thanks so much for coming in.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- It was...- Back from the ads and they clean up the bits of Simon Cowell,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57they've exploded all over the audience.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Then who turns up?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I have absolutely no idea.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Holly Willoughbys.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And just for a laugh, she's got no top on.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Something for the dads and the grandads.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08And she gives out the scores.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11You know, that... That just doesn't make sense.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Why are there scores?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15She says, "Simon Cowell's team has got no points,
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"but Paddy McGuinness's team has got ten."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Paddy McGuinness is there? - Yeah, he's a team captain.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Keep up. And then there's a knock on the door.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Who's this?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's Gary Linekers.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And Ant and Dec say, "Oi, Gary, you've got to eat that."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34And Gary's going, "I'm not going to eat that."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36And it's something really disgusting.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Something you wouldn't even want to put in your mouth, like...
0:26:39 > 0:26:43hummus. Ant and Dec go, "You've got to eat it, Gary,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"or nobody gets their dinner in the jungle."
0:26:46 > 0:26:49The jungle? The show takes place in the jungle?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Yeah, it's all in the jungle.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Keep up. And then they go over to Will.i.am,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56who's sitting in this big red chair, all right?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58And this bloke comes out and he sings a song
0:26:58 > 0:27:01and the song's all right, and Will.i.am spins round,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04he sees the guy and he goes, "Oh, no, I got a fatty!"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:06 > 0:27:07That all kicks off.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09And then who slides down the pole?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Where does the pole come from?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Well, from the ceiling. Look. Who slides down it?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Noel Edmond. Yeah. And it's called Noel's Pole.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24That was all my idea.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And Noel's got all these red boxes, but he's done a dump in one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I have a very important meeting that I need to get to...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And then it's the big finale!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Michael Bubles comes out.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Bow tie, dinner jacket. He's had a shave.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And he wops his old fella out.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Something for the mums and the grannies.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47And he starts singing his song.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# New York, it's a city what never kips... #
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And he starts swinging his old fella round like a propeller.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55But he don't get his balls out.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Because it's teatime and there could be kiddies watching,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01and that would be wrong. And then who comes out of the Love Lift?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I really need to wrap this up right now, so...
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Davina McCalls.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And she says, "Because of your donations tonight,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12"we have raised a million quids."
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Wait, the show's for charity?
0:28:16 > 0:28:17No, all the money goes to me.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23This is the worst idea I have ever heard. Get out.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29If you want, Bubles could get his balls out...
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Out!