0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening. I'm the head of the BBC.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Before tonight's show begins,
0:00:05 > 0:00:09I'd like to talk to you about how cutbacks at the BBC will affect you,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11the viewer.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12In entertainment,
0:00:12 > 0:00:16The One Show will now be known as the Two For One Show.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18MasterChef will be renamed LittleChef.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21And Wonders Of The Solar System
0:00:21 > 0:00:25becomes Wonders Of The Swindon One Way System.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28In drama, Call The Midwife will become
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Call The Midwife But Please Can You Use Someone Else's Phone?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35And Death in Paradise will become A Minor Injury In Butlin's.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And in current affairs, The News At Ten
0:00:39 > 0:00:41will be renamed The News At £9.99.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46And finally, the show you're about to watch, Walliams And Friend,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48will become Walliams And Cheapest Available Celebrity.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Goodnight.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15OK, let's get some valuations done.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.- The first one is a one-bedroom flat.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Needs a lot of updating.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Any outside space?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23You can stick your head out of a window.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Whereabouts is it?- Knightsbridge.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27What shall we put it on at?
0:01:27 > 0:01:32- Oh, Knightsbridge, oh, 1.2 mil?- 1.4?- 1.5?- 1.55?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- 3.9. - 3.9.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40All right. This one... It's a cupboard.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- An actual cupboard?- Yeah, cupboard.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And who would this cupboard suit?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Young, single guy,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48not claustrophobic.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Doesn't mind sleeping standing up.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And whereabouts is this cupboard?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Mayfair.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- 2.2?- 2.7?- 2.9?
0:01:56 > 0:01:572.99?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Whereabouts in Mayfair?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Oh, it's in the middle.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- 8.1.- 8.1.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04KNOCKING
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Empty cardboard box.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Is it near a tube? - It's right outside the tube.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Which tube?- Notting Hill tube.
0:02:12 > 0:02:143 mil.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Have you gone berserk?!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19This is an empty cardboard box outside Notting Hill tube!
0:02:20 > 0:02:214 mil?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23HE SCOFFS You could get way more than that.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Dig down, create a superbasement.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Dig down, dig down. - Dig down.- Dig down.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Way down.- Cinema room.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29- Swimming pool.- Nespresso room.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yoga space.- Wet room.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32- Dry room.- Hot room.- Cold room.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33- Room room.- Car park.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Servant's quarters.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Earth's core.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41So what are we going to say for this cardboard box?
0:02:42 > 0:02:434.9.
0:02:43 > 0:02:454.99?
0:02:45 > 0:02:464.999?
0:02:46 > 0:02:484.9999?
0:02:48 > 0:02:504.999999?
0:02:51 > 0:02:564.9999999.99.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Shall we say 5?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- 10?- 10, yes.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Ooh! Ooh, this is a big one.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Country estate.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Nice.- 12 bedrooms.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Mm, what tube is this near?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12It isn't.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What? Where is it?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16The north of England.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Zone 6?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Oh, no, it's outside the M25.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I've heard of the south of England,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I've never heard of the north of England.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's been there a while, apparently.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29How far is this place from London?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30300 miles.
0:03:32 > 0:03:3350 quid?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Good luck getting that for it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Love.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Passion.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Sex.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Doing it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Humping.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Knobbing.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Rutting.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52How's your father.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Slap and tickle.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Sexual intercourse.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Frottage.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Getting your leg over.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Hiding the sausage.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Sticking it in and wiggling it around.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10A good rogering.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Dipping your wick.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Having it off.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Shafting.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Doing It.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21The new fragrance for men
0:04:21 > 0:04:23who like doing it...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24a lot.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29But, like, REALLY a lot.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Like, too much.
0:04:31 > 0:04:3299p.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Ken?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39We need to have a talk.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Can't we just watch a movie?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44No, I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my mother.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Godzilla?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Not only my mother.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I want to talk to you about the way you speak to my father.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52The Grinch?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I know you've always found my parents...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Insidious?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58..difficult.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00But they actually really like you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I know you don't get on with my brothers.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Dumb and Dumber?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08My grandparents, for that matter.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09The Evil Dead?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I know last Christmas was a bit...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- World War Z?- ..trying.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But if we get together this year...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There Will Be Blood.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19..I think it will be better.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I know my mum's cooking was...
0:05:23 > 0:05:24- Superbad?- ..disappointing.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28But you have to give Mum a break. I mean, she's getting on a bit now.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I really think we should...
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Terminator?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35..be patient.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Same with my aunt.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- I think we should... - Terminator 2.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41..be patient with both of them.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And you know, you must understand...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49..that my father's very frustrated these days.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I mean, he doesn't get much chance to...
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Enter The Dragon?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56..play golf or anything like that any more.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I think we should take them...
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Into The Woods.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06..away for Christmas.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- We could hire... - The Man With The Golden Gun.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13..a little cottage, or something like that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Luckily, this year, Stella won't be joining us.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Whenever you're near my sister, I can tell you want to get...
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Interstellar?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26..into an argument with her,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30and I know that when we all went on holiday together, you saw her...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Untouchables?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33..bad side.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It's just a shame you didn't get to see her...
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Hot Fuzz? Jumanji? Snatch?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42..kind heart.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Because you certainly showed her your...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Alvin And The Chipmunks!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49..maudliness.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Look, I know we've been having problems recently.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You sometimes struggle to get it...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Up?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58..together.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I know we've been married a while, now.
0:07:00 > 0:07:0212 Years A Slave.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05But I know what we have is...
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Love Actually.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Yes, exactly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Oh, come over here and give me a kiss on...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13The Ring?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19There you go, thank you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Can I have a plastic bag?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21They're 5p.
0:07:21 > 0:07:235p?!
0:07:24 > 0:07:275p for a plastic bag?! I ain't paying that, it's a rip off.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Are you sure? You've got quite a lot of stuff there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Yeah, don't need one!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Sure you don't want a bag? It's only 5p.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45SQUELCH
0:09:29 > 0:09:31CAMERAS CLICK
0:09:51 > 0:09:525p!
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I know, it's a rip off.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:01I have a Gaz here to see you.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Oh, no, no, no, tell him I'm out, tell him I've gone for the day.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Oi, oi, oi!- Hello.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Nice to finally meet you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Thank you for all your letters and...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15drawings.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I done a film idea, ain't I?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, I always love hearing a new idea.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21So, take it away.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24It's a kiddies' film, one of them Harry Potters.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Oh, is JK Rowling involved?
0:10:28 > 0:10:29No, he's not in it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32OK, well, do you have a title?
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Harry Potters And The Punch Up In The Pub Car Park.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Thanks for coming in.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41So, Harry Potters has given up all his magic malarkey
0:10:41 > 0:10:43and he's just having a quiet drink
0:10:43 > 0:10:45with the missus down his local Wetherspoons.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Wetherspoons?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Yeah, it's like a posh O'Neill's.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And then he's coming back from the bar with a couple of pints,
0:10:53 > 0:10:54a bag of pork scratchings,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and a packet of fags for his missus cos it's her birthday,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and then this geezer barges into him,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03and he spills beer all down Harry Potters' trackie bottoms
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and Harry Potters does his catchphrase,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06"Who the shit did that?!"
0:11:08 > 0:11:11That's not his catchphrase, he doesn't have a catchphrase.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Yeah, he does! He does it in all his films.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"Who the shit did that?! Was it Voldemorts?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And then, Harry Potters turns around
0:11:19 > 0:11:20and who is it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Only James bloody Bonds!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24James Bond?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yeah, he's in it, keep up.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28But James Bonds just ignores Potters
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and he goes over to the bar and he does his catchphrase,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Hey, mate, I'll have a packet of cheese and onion crisps, please,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"shaken, not stirred."
0:11:37 > 0:11:38That's not his catchphrase either.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Yes, it is! He does it in his film!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43And then Potter goes up to Bond and goes,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Oi! Do you want my mate to give you a slap?!"
0:11:46 > 0:11:51And Bond goes, "I don't care, I bet your mate is a big girl and all."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And then who should come out of the bogs?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Supermans!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59We could never do a film with Harry Potter, James Bond AND Superman.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00All right, then, Batmans.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Batmans comes out of the bogs,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06he flaps his cape and he goes, "Oof, I'd give that a minute."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"I've done a really big batshit in there."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And then Batmans clocks what's going on between Potters and Bonds,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and he goes up to Bonds and he goes,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"Hey, I'll tell you what you are, mate, a prick."
0:12:20 > 0:12:21And Bond goes, "I'm not a prick."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I think I've heard enough.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And then the landlord, who is Gandalf...
0:12:25 > 0:12:26You know, from X Men? He goes,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"Batmans, Bonds, ye shall take this outside."
0:12:30 > 0:12:32But as soon as they're out in the pub car park,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Batmans kicks Bonds in the nuts and Bonds goes,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"Oi! That is bang out of order, mate!"
0:12:37 > 0:12:40And Bonds' bird's there, who's Mary Poppins,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and she is whacking Batmans over the head with her handbag,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46going, "Get off him, Batmans, you fat bastard!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I really need to wrap this up now.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51No, no, no, this is the really good bit.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Batmans and Bonds have this massive ruck in the pub car park
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and then, who should poke his head out of the window
0:12:58 > 0:13:00of the flat above the pub?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Chewbaccas.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Chewbacca's in it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, yeah, from Star Trek! Keep up!
0:13:06 > 0:13:07And then they all pile in.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13Hannibal Lecters, the Hulk, Kermit the Frog, Forrest Gump, Han Solo,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Indiana Jones, AND his sister Bridget Jones.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And Bridget Jones, she does her catchphrase,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23"Oh, no! I done it with two geezers and now I've up the duff!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27And then, the bloke from 50 Shades Of Grey,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30he pokes his head out of this Fiat Uno,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and he goes, "Oi, stop rocking my mum's car,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"I've got some kinky bird in here and she's giving me a hand shandy."
0:13:37 > 0:13:40You see her hand go up and down, but you don't see his old fella,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42cos it's a kiddies' film and that would be wrong.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And everyone's fighting,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and then, for no reason, they all look up,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and across the car park,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53just past the recycling bins, they see...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56they see the giant head of the Statue of Liberties,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and Harry Potters goes to his knees in the sand
0:13:59 > 0:14:02and goes, "Oh, no!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"We're in the Planet of Apes!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05"Who the shit did that?!"
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Opening titles.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Please, stop talking.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'm glad you said it, actually, because I've got to catch a bus.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I'll come back and tell you the rest of the idea tomorrow.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Oh, by the way,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21it's a trilogy. That means five films.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23See you tomorrow!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25APPLAUSE
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You can tell Steve I've finished the accounts.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29I'll see you in the morning.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Goodnight, Brenda.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Ow. My feelings.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43My line manager has been calling me Brenda for three years,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45even though my name is Glenda.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I called Hurt Feelings Direct
0:14:47 > 0:14:49and they got me £100 compensation.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Have you had your feelings hurt
0:14:52 > 0:14:54in a work place accident?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Have you been emotionally bruised
0:14:56 > 0:14:57in the office,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58and it wasn't your fault?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Then call...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Hurt Feelings Direct.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03On my birthday,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07three different people in the office signed my card with Get Well Soon.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And I brought in a cake, and no-one said "Thank you."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I locked myself in the disabled toilets
0:15:12 > 0:15:14and cried for 20 minutes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Hurt Feelings Direct got me £50.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Why should only manual labourers get cash
0:15:21 > 0:15:23when they suffer in the work place?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Our experts are standing by
0:15:26 > 0:15:29to testify that your hurt feelings are just as painful
0:15:29 > 0:15:32as something like getting acid in your eyes,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35or catching your nuts in some bricks.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I tried to get Gangnam Style started at the office Christmas party,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41and no-one joined in.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42So I danced on my own,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44and it was faintly embarrassing.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Hurt Feelings Direct got me £47,000.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54I overheard my boss calling me "boring."
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Call Hurt Feelings Direct to speak to one of our operators,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06who are specially trained to listen to your story
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and not say, "Grow up and stop whingeing, you pathetic wimp."
0:16:10 > 0:16:12ALL: Hurt Feelings Direct.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Direct.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15You. You were too slow.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Great choice of car, madam.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25And it's yours for just £12,000.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- That's not too bad. - There are a few...optional extras.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- I'm fine, thank you.- Well, let me just take you through them,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34see if any take your fancy. Obviously, they are all optional.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- OK.- Sun roof?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- How much is that?- £200?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Nah.- Nah, we don't need a sun roof.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Sat-nav, £400?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Nah, I'm fine.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Tyres?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- Sorry?- Would you like tyres?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Or are you the kind of driver who prefers to have sparks
0:16:52 > 0:16:55flying out from underneath your car as it screeches along the motorway?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58No! Of course I want tyres!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59How many?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Four?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- £500.- Could be worse.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Each.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07It is worse.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Car battery.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- What?- Are you planning to turn the car on and off?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Well, yes, obviously I want a car battery.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Fantastic, £700.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Petrol tank?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, you can't get anywhere without a petrol tank.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Yes, you can.- How?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You could roll the car down a hill.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28How would I get back up the hill?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30That's why we would recommend the petrol tank.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33All right, then.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Fantastic, £1,200.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38- Are we done?- Pretty much, yeah!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Oh, um, seats.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- What?- Do you prefer to stand up as you drive,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46or would you like to sit down?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Sit, obviously!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That's £2,000.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Now, when you're driving along,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55if someone was to run in front of the car,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57would you prefer to stop or just plough on through?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I'd want to stop.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Then I'll put you down for some brakes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07£1,500.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09You're going for quite a few extras here, madam.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Now, are you the kind of driver who enjoys wind and rain
0:18:12 > 0:18:16and loose stones flying into your face as you drive, or...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I want a windscreen.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Course you do! That's £2,000.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27So, with those optional extras,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30the car now comes to...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33£22,300.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34That's a lot more.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Well, we could lose the brakes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39No, I'm not going to lose the brakes.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42What do I do if I want to stop? Open the door and stick my foot out?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, you want doors?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50FAINT TRAFFIC NOISE AND BIRD CALLS
0:18:58 > 0:19:00HE SIGHS
0:19:01 > 0:19:04'Gillian Turner lives alone in Rotherham,
0:19:04 > 0:19:09'and has an obsession with a certain well-known celebrity.'
0:19:09 > 0:19:11He presents,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13he sings,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14he acts,
0:19:14 > 0:19:15he dances...
0:19:17 > 0:19:21..and he's got a great big forehead that covers half his face.
0:19:22 > 0:19:28Who could it be but Antony David McPartlin OBE?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32But Gillian has a surprising reaction
0:19:32 > 0:19:34to Ant's on-screen partner,
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Declan Donnelly.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40And she's come up with a novel solution to liking only one half
0:19:40 > 0:19:42of TV's favourite duo.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45As Ant always stands on the left
0:19:45 > 0:19:49and he who shall not be named always stands on the right...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53..I Tippexed over the right-hand side of my telly.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57It tends to work.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Gillian has the biggest collection of Ant and Dec memorabilia
0:20:01 > 0:20:03outside of Newcastle.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Of course, I bought his autobiography.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12But what I did was...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What I did was, before I read it,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I read it, I, like,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I blacked out every mention of...
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Oh.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30I missed one.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34CHAIR CREAKS ITEMS CLATTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:41This is what our children will look like.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Not just a fan of Ant McPartlin's TV work,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Gillian is also a huge fan of his music.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Ant's got a beautiful voice.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53What I do...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55whenever I listen to his songs,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I turn the volume down whenever "it" is singing.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00# Psyche!
0:21:00 > 0:21:01# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready
0:21:01 > 0:21:03# Let's get, let's get
0:21:03 > 0:21:04# Let's get ready, ready
0:21:04 > 0:21:06# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready
0:21:06 > 0:21:08# Let's get ready to rhumble!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09# Straight up prooving...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12# This track's booming...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic
0:21:15 > 0:21:16# Watch...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19# Let's get ready to rhumble! #
0:21:19 > 0:21:21He actually sends me secret messages through blinking.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Whenever he's on the telly, I ask him a question. I say,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31"Anthony David McPartlin, do you love me?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:35And after a short pause...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37..he'll blink.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And that blink means...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Yes, Gillian McPartlin,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"I love you, too, and I want to be with you forever."
0:21:50 > 0:21:51All we have to do is kill Dec.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Then I lick the television.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11FOOTSTEPS
0:22:17 > 0:22:18SLURPING
0:22:23 > 0:22:24All right?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Yes.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26You're Julie, right?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29I'm Phil.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31All right?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Yes!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37You found this place all right?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Yes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's all right, isn't it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Yes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You look different in your profile pic.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You didn't have your glasses on.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Yes.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Are you all right?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Yes.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Everything going all right?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Work all right?
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Yes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Pets all right?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03My cat died yesterday.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08But apart from that, it's all right?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Yes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Wine looks all right.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Yes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Weather all right?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Yes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Sometimes it's too hot or too cold,
0:23:27 > 0:23:28but at the moment it's...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30all right.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33(Oh, thank God.)
0:23:33 > 0:23:34You all right?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Yes.- Everything in the restaurant all right?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Yes.- Bloke in the kitchen all right?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Erm...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Yes.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Pets all right?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I don't have any pets.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, she don't now, either, her cat died yesterday.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Nah, she's all right.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'll be back in a moment to take your order.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Food looks all right.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Yes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04So I read on your profile that you used to be married.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05How was that, all right?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09He had an affair with my sister, and she fell pregnant.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Then he gambled away all my life savings,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and she moved in and he changed the locks on the house.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Every night when I go to bed I have to cry as quietly as possible
0:24:18 > 0:24:21so as not to disturb my disabled mother,
0:24:21 > 0:24:22with whom I share a bed.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30But other than that, it was all right?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45HE MAKES WHIRRING NOISE
0:24:45 > 0:24:47FOUR BEEPS
0:24:48 > 0:24:49WHIRRING
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54WHIRRING
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LOW WHIRRING
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Welcome back to Middle Class Jeremy Kyle.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Our next guest has been with her husband for 43 years,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21but their marriage is in tatters after his vile behaviour.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Let's bring him out.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25BOOING
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Go on, Margaret.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Tell us what this repulsive piece of excrement has done to you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Well, we had our grandchildren over
0:25:41 > 0:25:43for a cup of tea
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and when I served up the biscuits,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I noticed they were a bit stale
0:25:48 > 0:25:49because Oliver had left the lid
0:25:49 > 0:25:51off the biscuit tin!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53- AUDIENCE:- OOOOOOH!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Unbelievable!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02You lazy, good for nothing, pathetic excuse for a man.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Did you ever stop to think
0:26:03 > 0:26:05what would happen if you left the lid off the biscuits?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- May I just say... - Shut up! You've had your turn.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- No, I haven't.- I'm talking.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Do you want me to have you thrown off this show?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I'd welcome it.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, it's not going to happen.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You'd better shut it or I'll shove that walking stick
0:26:21 > 0:26:24where the sun don't shine, got it, mate?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25OHHHHHHH!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32So, Margaret, what are you going to do?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Well, I'm not sure it's that big an issue.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I've got one word for you, Margaret.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Divorce the bastard.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What, over a tin of biscuits?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45A leopard doesn't change its spots, love.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48First, he leaves the lid off the biscuit tin.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Next, he'll be leaving the pickle jar open.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Before you know it, bang,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55he's sleeping with hundreds of lap dancers.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Doesn't sound too bad.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I don't think Oliver meant to leave the lid off,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I just think he's getting forgetful.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well, before the show...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21..we sent Oliver here off to do a lie detector test.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26And the results are in. We asked him, are you forgetful?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Oliver replied,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"I can't remember."
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And our lie detector said...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"Does not compute, system failure."
0:27:45 > 0:27:48You've beaten the lie detector, you devious bastard.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Oh.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51What are we talking about?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Oh, shut up!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I'm sick to the back teeth of you.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Get off my show!
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Gladly.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Bring back Trisha!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09SOBS
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Oh...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16WEEPING
0:28:16 > 0:28:18That's all from us this week.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Bye.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I'll get the counsellor.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Why are people so mean?!
0:28:27 > 0:28:31APPLAUSE