0:00:02 > 0:00:03Good evening. I am the head of the BBC,
0:00:03 > 0:00:06and before your scheduled programme, I want to make an apology.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I'd like to apologise for everything the BBC has done,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11everything the BBC hasn't done,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13everything the BBC did do but shouldn't have,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15everything the BBC didn't do but should have,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18but, most importantly, everything the BBC couldn't do because
0:00:18 > 0:00:21it was too busy apologising.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23At times like this we should remember
0:00:23 > 0:00:24the five key values of the BBC -
0:00:24 > 0:00:29inform, educate, entertain, apologise, resign.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32So I hereby resign with immediate effect. Goodbye.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Good evening. I'm the new head of the BBC,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38and the first thing I'd like to do is apologise
0:00:38 > 0:00:40for the over-apologising of my predecessor.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm profoundly sorry and am left with no choice
0:00:43 > 0:00:44but to immediately resign.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Goodbye.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Good evening. Sorry, I resign.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- BOTH:- Good evening and welcome to Double Or Nothing,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23the only game show on TV with two hosts.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- I'm Christopher Dickinson Edwards... - I'm Sam Snell...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- BOTH:- And with me as always is...
0:01:28 > 0:01:29- Christopher Dickinson Edwards. - Sam Snell.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So, could our first contestant join us on the hotspot, please?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36GAME SHOW MUSIC AND WHOOPING
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- BOTH:- What's your name and where do you come from?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm Jenny, and I'm from Chichester.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Chichester!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Lovely part of the country. - Never been but I hope to soon.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Sorry, what?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52And, Jenny, I believe you have a rather interesting job, don't you?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53I'm a full-time dog groomer.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Tell you what...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- That's given me "paws" for thought. - You must be barking!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I didn't get any of that, sorry.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03OK, it's time for round one, and the category is...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Sorry, was that rock 'n' roll or Dickens?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Start the clock.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Question one for £100.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19THEY READ COMPLETELY DIFFERENT QUESTIONS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I didn't get any of that, sorry.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24BUZZER
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Oh, it was an easy one!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27The answer was, of course...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- A Christmas Carol. - I Want To Hold Your Hand.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Question two...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35THEY READ COMPLETELY DIFFERENT QUESTIONS
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Erm, Rolling Stones?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Correct!- Incorrect.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- You win £100.- You lose £100.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Question three...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Complete the following popular title, Great...
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Erm, I don't know. Great... Great Balls Of...
0:02:53 > 0:02:54..Expectations?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58So close, but incorrect.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05So, at the end of Round One, you have no pounds.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I just feel like this is a little bit unfair.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I mean, why would you do a show where you're asked two completely
0:03:10 > 0:03:13different questions at the same time?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Simple - we get through twice as many questions as any other game show.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Is that a good thing?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29So far this series we've only had to pay out £200.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32But how am I supposed to get anything right?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33THEY SIGH
0:03:33 > 0:03:37How about during the next round, only one of us asks the questions
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and the other one stays quiet?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Yeah, that would work.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Great. Then for the next round,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47you ask the questions and I'll stay absolutely silent.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48OK.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54CLOCK TICKS
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Sorry, is one of you going to ask me a question, or...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I thought you were going to ask the questions.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08GONG BANGS
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Oh! That noise means it's the end of the quiz.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Tonight, Jenny, you're going home with no pounds.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- This is madness!- Well, that's all we have time for today.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- We're back at the same time... - We're back at a different time...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24- ..next Thursday.- ..next Tuesday.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26And, as we always say on Double Or Nothing...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28There's no trouble when you see double.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Double the questions, double the fun.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Goodnight.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39This Christmas, opera boyband Il Prima Donnas return with
0:04:39 > 0:04:44their brand-new album, Il Prima Donnas Sing The Prodigy.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Get off your melon to their touching rendition of Firestarter.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55# I'm the firestarter, twisted firestarter... #
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Cut some shapes and get right on it to Il Prima Donna's
0:05:00 > 0:05:02passionate interpretation of Breathe.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06# Breathe the pressure Come play my game, I'll test ya
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# Psychosomatic addict, insane
0:05:10 > 0:05:14# Come play my game
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- # Inhale, inhale - You're the victim... #
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And have it large to Il Prima Donna's a cappella reimagining of
0:05:22 > 0:05:26the techno classic Everybody In The Place.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30# Do, do, do Dibby, dibby, dibby, do, do, do
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- # Everybody's in the place - Let's go
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- # Everybody's in the place - Let's go
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- # Everybody's in the place - Let's go
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- # Everybody's in the place - Let's go... #
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Have it proper large this Christmas
0:05:41 > 0:05:44with a festive album for all the family.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Il Prima Donnas Sing The Prodigy.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50# I got the poison, I got the remedy
0:05:50 > 0:05:52# I got the pulsating rhythmical remedy
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# I got the poison, I got the remedy
0:05:54 > 0:05:59# I got the pulsating rhythmical remedy. #
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Master Wayne... - Yes, Alfred?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20It pains me to say, Gotham City has become a cesspit
0:06:20 > 0:06:21of crime and depravity.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Someone has to act.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28And that someone is you.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34But to do that, you must become the thing you fear the most.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Welsh.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42The Welsh. I've always felt distinctly uneasy
0:06:42 > 0:06:44walking through Swansea on a Saturday night.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47No, I was thinking of something else, Master Wayne,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50something that used to terrify you as a young boy.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Balloons.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53No, it wasn't balloons.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Foreigners.- No.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Girls with hairy armpits.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- No.- Public speaking.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- No...- Accidentally saying something racist on Twitter?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- No.- Intimacy?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- No.- Late-onset diabetes.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- No.- Dying in rented accommodation?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- No.- Men with beards.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- No.- Women with beards?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- No.- A chicken that's not been properly cooked on a barbecue
0:07:18 > 0:07:21so it's black on the outside but pink in the middle?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22- No.- Sitting in wet trunks and getting a rash
0:07:22 > 0:07:24underneath your nut sack?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- No.- The shark in Finding Nemo?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30If I may stop you there, Master Wayne...
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Farting but following through?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33No.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Do you remember the fateful night when you were a mere boy and you
0:07:37 > 0:07:41fell down that well and were attacked by a colony of bats?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Hmm...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Don't remember that, no.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51- Oh. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Well, trust me, you were very scared at the time,
0:07:54 > 0:08:00and if you are to seize your destiny and be the saviour of Gotham City,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02you must become that thing you fear the most.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05A pipe smoker?
0:08:05 > 0:08:10No, a bat, a giant bat, and you could call yourself
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The Batman.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17No. Fancy that! I'd look silly.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Well, I am a little disappointed, Master Wayne,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24because I've rather run away with the bat theme.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28For the last few years I've been digging a bat cave in the basement.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I've made you a bat suit, I've build you a Batmobile,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34not to mention a bat copter and a bat bike,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37and I'm working on a bat boat for any nautical adventures.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44So it has to be something that I and the dark forces of Gotham City
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- fear the most? - Precisely, Master Wayne.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Getting aroused in public.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00If you'll excuse me, sir, I think I'm going to be rather busy on eBay.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10The Apprentice is back,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13and the challenges are tougher than ever.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18OK, teams, this week's task is...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I want you to teach a dog to play piano.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I want you to turn lead into gold.
0:09:26 > 0:09:32This week's task is to make lasting peace between North and South Korea.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I want you to make Karren Brady levitate.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39No less than ten foot in the air.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Your task is to remake the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46On a budget of £100.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I want you to make this Amstrad
0:09:59 > 0:10:01the number one selling computer in the world.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I want you to turn Claude gay.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Not bi-curious - full-on gay.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I want you to blast a penguin into space.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24This week's task is to move the continent of Africa
0:10:24 > 0:10:26one foot to the left.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28That's South America, Lord Sugar.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's all foreign - who cares?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I want you to write a song as haunting and beautiful
0:10:35 > 0:10:38as John Lennon's Imagine.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40On the bagpipes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45SHE PLAYS BADLY
0:10:45 > 0:10:50This week, your task is to read every book ever written and tell
0:10:50 > 0:10:52me what they're all about.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54You've got 45 minutes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You have to hold your breath for an hour.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Take this coat hanger and stick it up your nose.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Rewrite the questions in Trivial Pursuit...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12..so they're all about me.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I want you to make a life-size Taj Mahal out of milk.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22This week, you've got the hardest task of the series.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28I want you to untie this knot in my headphones.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33The Apprentice, coming soon on BBC One.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I want you to turn Piers Morgan into soup.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Nothing to do with the show, I just want you to do it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46The new work-out video just for dads.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Featuring all your favourite dad-dance moves.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53From waving your hands whilst not moving anything else.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Marching on the spot.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03# It's all too beautiful... #
0:12:03 > 0:12:04# The boys are back in town... #
0:12:06 > 0:12:10The Macarena, even though the Macarena isn't on.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:17 > 0:12:19The "are you sure your dad's not gay?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:23MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners
0:12:23 > 0:12:28The "for God's sake, will someone please join me on the dance floor?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37The "thinking you're Diversity."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42MUSIC: Radio Ga Ga by Queen
0:12:42 > 0:12:44The "clapping out of time."
0:12:48 > 0:12:53The touching tribute to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55GLASS SMASHES
0:12:57 > 0:12:59MUSIC: Wannabe by Spice Girls
0:12:59 > 0:13:02The "pulling your pants out of your crack
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"whilst pretending it's a dance move".
0:13:11 > 0:13:13The "oh, no, they've worked out
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"a routine and they think they're hilarious".
0:13:17 > 0:13:19MUSIC: Do The Conga by Black Lace
0:13:19 > 0:13:21The "not quite enough people for a conga".
0:13:24 > 0:13:27# ..I'll keep holding on... #
0:13:27 > 0:13:30The "are you really sure your dad's not gay?".
0:13:37 > 0:13:41MUSIC: Insomnia by Faithless
0:13:41 > 0:13:43The "flashback to Ibiza".
0:13:48 > 0:13:50The Dad Dancing Workout DVD -
0:13:50 > 0:13:54guaranteed to embarrass your whole family.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Good morning, Miss Britton, welcome to the flight.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Would you like a hot towel? - No, thank you.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Please, Fern, let me handle this.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13I'm Miss Britton's personal PA assistant and I would appreciate if
0:14:13 > 0:14:16all future personal enquiries were directed through me.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- It's fine, really. - No, Fern, it's not fine.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Would Miss Britton like a glass of champagne?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- Yes, please.- Fern,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27the rather aggressive stewardess has asked if you'd like a glass
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- of champagne.- And I said, yes.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I've spoken at length with Miss Britton about the offer of a glass
0:14:33 > 0:14:35of champagne and she has replied,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37yes, she would like a glass of champagne.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Vintage. Quickly, please.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Quickly, quickly!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- What are you doing?- I'm giving her the glass of champagne.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Don't give it to her, give it to me.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I will ensure she receives it.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Mmm, that's very good champagne.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Another three glasses of champagne, please, quickly.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03And is there a lunch menu?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Let me handle this.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Miss Britton is incandescent with rage that so far she has been on
0:15:09 > 0:15:13this flight for 30 minutes and no-one has offered her a lunch menu.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I hardly need remind you that Miss Britton is the star of
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Ready Steady Cook, This Morning and is a regular team captain
0:15:18 > 0:15:20on Celebrity Juice.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22No, that's Fearne Cotton.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Please, Fern, try and control your anger.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Bring her that menu, now!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30We'll bring the menus round shortly.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32But, but, shortly's not good enough!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Miss Britton has not eaten for over an hour.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Honestly, I can wait.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Miss Britton says, unless you bring her that menu this instant,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42she will force-feed you the in-flight magazine.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48If you don't stop being so aggressive,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51we're going to have to get you restrained.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I actually enjoy being restrained,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55so that may very well backfire.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Justin, I really don't like people being talked to like that.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I know. She was so rude, wasn't she?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You wanted to see me, Speccy?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yes, I did, Barry. We've had a lot of complaints in the factory that
0:16:18 > 0:16:20you've been making offensive comments about your co-workers.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, it's just a bit of banter, isn't it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Not all the staff see it that way.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- For example, Philip. - What, Fatso Phil?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- He loves a bit of banter. - No, he does not.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31He was actually very offended when you came up to him in the canteen
0:16:31 > 0:16:35and said, "Your overeating is clearly a displacement activity
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"for the emptiness you feel inside."
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Banter! That's why they call me Barry Banter.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Sit down! Nobody calls you Barry Banter.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49They all do. Deaf Dave, Stumpy Joe, Bug-eyed Brian, Prosthetic Pauline,
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- Shaggy Sharon.- Sharon was extremely hurt when you came up to her
0:16:54 > 0:16:58and said, "Your promiscuous behaviour masks your deep-rooted
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"lack of self-esteem and
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"you are heading into a downward spiral of loneliness."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Banter! I was on fire that day.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's not banter if the other person is offended by it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09That's the best kind of banter.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I've had Carol in here this morning, in floods of tears,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14and we all know how important Carol's faith is to her.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Happy Clappy Carol.- Yes.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Why did you say to her...
0:17:17 > 0:17:22"There is no God and what awaits you for when you die is not heaven but
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"instead, a black empty void of nothingness"?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Banter! Top banter, that.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Think about it - that's quite philosophical banter.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30That is not banter.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34No offence, Specsavers, but I don't think you even know what banter means.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Look it up in your Pictionary.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37B-A-N-T-A, Banter.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You can't even spell it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I have dyslexia so that is actually very offensive.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Well, I'm terribly sorry.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Shut up, that was banter!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I don't have dyslexia - I'm just thick.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Look, Barry,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54a lot of people are upset and they've put together this petition.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00100 signatures demanding that I take action, so I'm afraid to say,
0:18:00 > 0:18:01you're sacked.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Epic banter!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I love it. Now, he's got it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09No, you really are sacked.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Keep the banter coming!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Ah, Barry Banter's got some competition here.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Ding-ding! Welcome aboard the banter bus!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Your contract has been terminated with immediate effect
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and here's your P45.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Not as snappy, that one, but still...banter!
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Right, see you Monday, you short-sighted prick!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Our celebrities have now spent years in prison against their will,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40but at last, not that they know it, tonight is the finale,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43which is a foreign word for "final".
0:18:43 > 0:18:47This is the reality show you should be ashamed to be watching.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Welcome to Celebrity Slammer.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's Christmas Day.
0:19:05 > 0:19:11Or as our celebrity inmates know it, day 5,475.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13After breaking the terms of his parole,
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Christopher Biggins has been forced to return to the slammer.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I can't take it any more.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Christmas is a really special time for me.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I'm meant to be in Scunthorpe doing panto.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30Or as a standby guest on Loose Women in case Gino D'Acampo cancelled.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Worst of all, I've missed a lunch with my best friend,
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Dame Joan Collins.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38At Nando's.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Moments later, Christopher Biggins has sharpened his toothbrush and
0:19:41 > 0:19:43taken the prison governor hostage.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Don't do anything stupid, Biggins.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47These are my demands.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49First, I want out of this awful show
0:19:49 > 0:19:52and then I want a retrospective Oscar
0:19:52 > 0:19:55for my performance in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I want my collection of Widow Twankey dresses to be put on display
0:19:58 > 0:20:02in the Victoria and Albert Museum for future generations to enjoy.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I want a film to be made about my life called
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Biggins: The Man, The Myth, The Legend,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11with me played by Zac Efron.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You know, I didn't think Biggins would be the first one to crack.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19No, nor me. I thought maybe Bob Carolgees would be the first one
0:20:19 > 0:20:21to go doolally. I mean, he has been
0:20:21 > 0:20:24talking to that puppet dog for 40 years.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Puppet? What puppet?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Spit the Dog is a puppet.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Why do you think he has his hand up his backside?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, I didn't like to ask.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34It gets to everybody in the end, though.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I imagine Christopher Biggins has been missing his wife.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Ye... Wife?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Barry, there's something I ought to tell you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Back in Cell D, several hours later,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Christopher Biggins is still listing his demands.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I want the results of Celebrity MasterChef's 2014 series to be
0:20:54 > 0:20:58declared null and void, and me to be crowned rightful champion.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01There are pictures of me sunbathing topless
0:21:01 > 0:21:03in Marbella on the Mail Online
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and I'd like the comments disabled.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I want Madame Tussauds to melt down their waxwork of Dale Winton
0:21:10 > 0:21:12and turn it into one of me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And finally, I want to be in Poldark.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Not the show...the man.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, he's wriggled free...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24No, please, no!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Anything but that.- Time for my final visit to Celebrity Slammer.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29With some exciting news.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Merry Christmas, inmates.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32THEY MUTTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:33How are we all?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Can I just say something?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40On behalf of my fellow celebrities and Bob Carolgees.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43This show is an absolute disgrace.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46We've been locked up in here for years.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I've seen things in this prison no-one should ever see.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I've seen the Chuckle Brothers taking a shower.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You did insist on helping us wash.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57That's not the point. In the middle of the night,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I had a bite taken out of me by Spit the Dog because he was so hungry and
0:22:01 > 0:22:02now I think I've got rabies.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05That wasn't the dog, it was me.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Worst of all, the only nice thing I've had to eat
0:22:08 > 0:22:12in 15 years was a fun-size Mars bar, which, afterwards,
0:22:12 > 0:22:13I found out had been smuggled in here
0:22:13 > 0:22:16in a part of Christopher Biggins' anatomy.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I wondered where that went.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Come on, Dermot. It's Christmas, for goodness' sake.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23We demand out of the show.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Yes?- Yes!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I rather like it here - I've never had so much sex.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, David, I've got some news.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35The BBC have cancelled Celebrity Slammer.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- ALL:- Yes!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Freedom at last.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41But don't worry, it's been sold to Channel 5.
0:22:41 > 0:22:47Which means no-one will be leaving the Celebrity Slammer and you will
0:22:47 > 0:22:50all remain here in prison.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The only difference is, because it's on Channel 5,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55no-one will be watching.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59However, I can reveal that we are about to welcome a new inmate
0:22:59 > 0:23:01to the slammer.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I can now reveal that the new inmate is...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09..Vernon Kay. What?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11What, there must be a mistake.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14No, hang on, I'm worth more than all these put together!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Easy!- Hello, celebrity inmates, welcome.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21How are you? Welcome to Channel 5's Celebrity Slammer.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I'm your new host, Joe Swash, and over the next 20 years,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28we're going to be following the horrendous ordeal of life in
0:23:28 > 0:23:32celebrity prison. Celebrities, I'll see you next Christmas.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Namaste.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Welcome, one and all, to my stress reduction class.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I'm Guru Dave and I'd like to start today, as we should every day,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57with a moment of mindfulness.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Let's find our inner peace.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Why don't we all close our eyes and focus on our breathing?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11CAR ALARM BLARES
0:24:19 > 0:24:21For God's sake, can you turn that thing off?!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I can't find my keys, can I?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Tell me when you do, mate.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- CALMLY:- Keep your eyes closed.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I swear, I'm going to stick it where the sun don't shine!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37ALARM STOPS
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Excellent.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Good. Well, that was very healing.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47Now, our goal today is to find a sanctuary from stress, but what sort
0:24:47 > 0:24:50of things can bring stress on?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Hands up.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Work colleagues.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I said, hands up!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59There has to be a system, otherwise it's just chaos!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- CALMLY:- Please share.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06- Money.- Oh, yes, money, that's a very common source of stress.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Let's pop that on the board, shall we?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10HE SIGHS
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Some selfish shit has left the lid off and now the bastard thing's
0:25:14 > 0:25:18dried up! Yeah, and I suppose this one...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Oh, no, this one works perfectly.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Family problems?- I haven't even finished writing money yet.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Don't let them get to you, Dave.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31That's a good one.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Family. OK.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Are there any others? Yeah, Phil?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Work colleagues.- Work colleagues, yeah, yeah.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Especially ones that are so selfish,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44they don't put the bloody lids back on the pens!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I think there should be an A in "colleagues".
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, strewth, what is this, cocking Countdown?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Thank you for your contribution.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00No, the A should be...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- What?- No, I was just going to say...
0:26:03 > 0:26:04What?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05It's just that you put...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07What?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Nothing.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Good.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Now, on the very rare occasions that I get stressed,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19and even I get stressed sometimes,
0:26:19 > 0:26:25whether it's because of money or family problems or work colleagues,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I like to just take a moment and remove myself from the situation
0:26:29 > 0:26:32and listen to some calming whale song.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:34 > 0:26:39My bloody assistant, why has she put the wrong CD in the box?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Why is she trying to ruin my life?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48And calm, and centred, and breathe, and it's gone.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51How dare you shout at me through the window like that!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52You shouldn't park there.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53It's for staff only.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I am staff, I run the anger management class,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- you fat, ugly turd! - Stop shouting at me,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02there's so many things going on in my head.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I can shout at whoever I like!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And calm, and centre, and breathe.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09And manage that anger.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Can't we resolve this like enlightened adults?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- A punch-up in the car park? - I'd love to.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20And breathe in...
0:27:20 > 0:27:21and hold it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31We will now have the eulogy,
0:27:31 > 0:27:35which will be delivered by the daughter of the departed, Susan.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I just want to say a few words about my dad.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44To who I owe so much...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Erm, excuse me.- Yes?
0:27:48 > 0:27:52At the risk of sounding pedantic, it's "to whom" I owe so much,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54not "to who".
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Is it?- Who is a subject pronoun,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59your father is evidently the object of the sentence,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02so therefore one should use the object pronoun, namely whom.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Pray, continue.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Where to begin? There's so many things we all loved about...
0:28:12 > 0:28:14There ARE so many things, plural.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18First I'd like to start...
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- Erm, "firstly".- What?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Firstly is more formal, so...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I can't believe you're interrupting me.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Everyone here is completely disinterested
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- in what you have to say. - It is uninterested.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Disinterested means impartial.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36One has to respect the departed, not to mention the English language.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43More than anything else, I remember my father's sense of humour.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Whether he was at work or down the local pub,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50he would always be holding court.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52People would literally laugh their heads off.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I doubt it.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- What?- I doubt they would literally laugh their heads off.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Their heads would have become detached from their bodies.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02It seems highly unlikely that your father would ever have said anything
0:29:02 > 0:29:06- THAT funny.- Vicar, you and me are going to fall out.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08You and "I", let's not forget our personal pronouns
0:29:08 > 0:29:09on a day such as today.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11For goodness' sake, you're putting me off!
0:29:11 > 0:29:12No, I'm not putting you off,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15that would end a sentence with a preposition.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16I'm being off-putting.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18How dare you do this to me? I am grieving.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20That is my father down there.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22"Was", past tense, he's dead.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27You've ruined today for everybody.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Now, you just lay there and think about what you've done.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Not lay, lie.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34You shouldn't use the transitive.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35Agh!
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Hi, I'm Cora, Countess of Grantham.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Now that the doors of Downton Abbey have closed forever,
0:29:43 > 0:29:48I find myself with plenty of time to endorse products I truly believe in.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Like this high-class ready meal.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Pot Banquet.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57It's as easy as one, two, three.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03One, ask your butler for a Pot Banquet.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Can I please have a Pot Banquet?
0:30:08 > 0:30:13Two, ask your butler to choose from one of five mouthwatering flavours.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Foie Gras, Bombay Goose, Barbecue Swan,
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Pigeon Flambe or Shredded Fox.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Three, ask your butler to pour on boiling champagne.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27It's so easy, you could almost do it yourself,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29except that would be demeaning.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32And voy-la. Thank you.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39Pot Banquet, only 99.99,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and available now at your local Harrods.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Good, so the forecast for the next quarter is looking favourable.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Now, I know we're running into lunch but we really couldn't finish today
0:30:58 > 0:31:02without paying our respects to Sir Nicholas Caville,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04who founded this company in 1976.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09None of us would be here without him so I think it's only fitting
0:31:09 > 0:31:13that we honour him with a minute's silence.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14Sir Nicholas Caville.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31ZIPPER OPENS LOUDLY
0:31:36 > 0:31:38BOTTLE OPENS LOUDLY
0:31:42 > 0:31:43BOTTLES FIZZES
0:31:55 > 0:31:58CRISP PACKET RUSTLES
0:32:11 > 0:32:13CRUNCHING
0:32:22 > 0:32:24THUMP!
0:32:30 > 0:32:32LID POPS OPEN
0:32:40 > 0:32:42CRUNCH!
0:33:04 > 0:33:06THEY CLATTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Thank you.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16I know we'll all miss Sir Nicholas but none more than you, Bill.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21Would you like to say a few words about your late father?
0:33:22 > 0:33:26Welcome to the show that was formerly known as Double Or Nothing.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Following a number of complaints about the quiz being confusing,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34we've listened to you and changed the number of presenters.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36So, welcome to...
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- ALL:- ..Triple Or Nothing!
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Good evening. I'm...
0:33:46 > 0:33:48THEY EACH SAY THEIR NAME
0:33:48 > 0:33:50..and with me tonight...
0:33:50 > 0:33:53THEY INTRODUCE EACH OTHER
0:33:56 > 0:34:00So, could our first contestant join us on the hotspot, please?
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Welcome to Triple Or Nothing, what's your name?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10My name is Peter Fracks.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Nice to meet you, Peter...
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- Where do you come from? - What do you do for a living?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch any of that.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21So, Round One of Triple Or Nothing and the first category is...
0:34:21 > 0:34:25THEY ALL INTRODUCE DIFFERENT SUBJECT
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Sorry, what was the first one again?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Question one and this is for 100 points...
0:34:32 > 0:34:33..in the crystal dome.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36So, Peter...
0:34:36 > 0:34:41THEY ASK DIFFERENT QUESTIONS
0:34:41 > 0:34:46Jessica Ennis-Hill, Georges Seurat and, erm, Dr Dre.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Correct.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Question two, which...
0:34:54 > 0:34:55ALL ASK DIFFERENT QUESTION
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Ian Thorpe,
0:35:00 > 0:35:05the Portal of Rouen Cathedral and Kanye West.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Correct.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Question three...
0:35:11 > 0:35:14ALL ASK DIFFERENT QUESTION
0:35:15 > 0:35:19Burundi, Renoir and Ol' Dirty Bastard.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Correct.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29I always said this new set-up would be too easy.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Let's start again.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Hello and welcome to...
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Quadruple Or Nothing.
0:35:40 > 0:35:46Welcome back to a special Christmas edition of Middle Class Jeremy Kyle.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50Before the break, we heard from Lucinda.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Poor old Lucinda sent a Christmas card to Hermione here
0:35:57 > 0:35:59and she never got one back.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01AUDIENCE BOOS
0:36:03 > 0:36:04But I did send a card back.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Shut your face!
0:36:08 > 0:36:09Well, I never received it.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Well, I definitely sent it.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I will not tolerate aggressive behaviour
0:36:13 > 0:36:15on my show, have you got it?
0:36:15 > 0:36:16I said, have you got it?
0:36:16 > 0:36:17Apologies.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22So, during the break, we sent Hermione here
0:36:22 > 0:36:25to do a lie detector test...
0:36:26 > 0:36:27..and the results are in.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31We asked Hermione, "Did you send Lucinda a Christmas card?"
0:36:31 > 0:36:33She answered yes.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35And the lie detector said...
0:36:35 > 0:36:37DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:36:53 > 0:36:55She was telling the truth.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Wait, did you send it to the old address?
0:37:02 > 0:37:03Oh, I didn't know you'd moved.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Oh, sorry, then it's my fault.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07We should have let you know.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Well, these things happen.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13You need to damn well send change of address details to everyone on your
0:37:13 > 0:37:17Christmas card list, and you need to double check people's addresses
0:37:17 > 0:37:20before you send a Christmas card, birthday card, any sort of card.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Do you understand me?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24- BOTH:- Yes.- I don't think you do.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26You know what? Get off my show!
0:37:27 > 0:37:30The pair of you disgust me.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33- AUDIENCE:- Off! Off! Off...!
0:37:33 > 0:37:37Why don't you go and lie in a ditch and die?!
0:37:38 > 0:37:42That's all for this series. Merry Christmas, everybody!