0:00:20 > 0:00:22I just think if we're going to win this account,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24we need to prioritise our strengths,
0:00:24 > 0:00:29so that's logistics, focus our energies on European experience...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Sorry...what are you doing?
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Oh, keep going, I'm listening. I just don't want to walk on the cracks.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Right, erm.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40So, yeah, we need projections of our costings
0:00:40 > 0:00:43so I'll speak to David and set up a meeting as soon as possible.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Actually, do you mind not doing that? You're not six.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- I know I'm not six. - Well, then why won't you walk on the cracks? It's childish.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Look, we have an image to maintain,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53we're meant to be professionals, remember?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55SHE SCREAMS
0:00:55 > 0:00:56PHONE RINGS
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Hi, Joanne? Yeah, it's Caroline, Katie won't make the meeting.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Bear got her.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09This one's in from Middlesex...
0:01:09 > 0:01:10What's the situation?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12RTA - truck driver.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14What happened?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Impact to the chest. Missed his turning but took it anyway.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19He's in shock. BP 50/30.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21We need to act fast.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Nurse, call radiology. Tell them we'll need a portable chest scan.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Nurse, not so fast. What's his BP?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28140.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30He'll need eight milligrams of adrenaline
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and three milligrams of atropine.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37We're struggling find the family.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39So no information on any allergies?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41'Fraid not.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'll tread carefully.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He's crashing!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Then let's get things moving.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Doctors, we're running out of time.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Come on, then.- Good luck.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Doctors, your hands!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30CAMERA CLICKS
0:02:31 > 0:02:32KNOCK ON DOOR
0:02:32 > 0:02:34In!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Your husband, Prime Minister.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Oh, hello, darling. Everything all right?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Mike and Lucy have been waiting next door for almost an hour.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Mike and Lucy? Why?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46We're having dinner with them, remember?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- It's been in the diary for weeks. - Yes, yes, of course, I remember.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Absolutely. Lovely boozy Mike and lovely chatty Lucy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Yes, well, Lucy's brought their wedding photos with her.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56She's very keen to show them to you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That sounds...great. I'll just switch this off.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Oh! Oh, no!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05What is it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It's an e-mail from the...Europe. Looks like it's all kicking off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Really?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Yes, looks like I'll have to have a little chat with our friends across the channel.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Sort their mess out. As per. Get me Merkel!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Yes, looks like the future of our economy and the jobs of millions
0:03:20 > 0:03:23of British men and women are going to be decided by my actions over
0:03:23 > 0:03:27the next few hours, yikes, so I probably won't be able to make...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Oh, no, you don't.- What?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Tonight, we are having dinner with our friends.- YOUR friends.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And if you think for a second that I'm
0:03:35 > 0:03:38buying your guff about Angela Merkel and a European crisis,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41then you really must think I'm a very stupid man indeed.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43KNOCK ON DOOR
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Angela Merkel to see you about the European crisis, Prime Minister.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- Frances!- Angela!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53SHE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:03:59 > 0:04:03SHE REPLIES IN GERMAN
0:04:19 > 0:04:21She's really not happy.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I think we're looking at an all-nighter here, my love. Do you mind?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37No. God, no, of course.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I'll tell Mike and Lucy something came up.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Thanks, darling.- See you later.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Bye...um...Angela.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Dummkopf!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56MERKEL LAUGHS
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So, erm, this is me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Wow. Nice neighbourhood.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Mm. Oh.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Look, erm, I know this is the first date
0:05:13 > 0:05:16but, erm, I don't suppose you wanted to come in for a quick drink?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I'd love to.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Come on, then.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24SHE SIGHS So, here we are!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Oh, gosh, this place is a real tip, actually, sorry...let me just erm...
0:05:30 > 0:05:35That's better. So, just, er, make yourself at home, really.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Wait, this is...what?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh, drinks! Sorry, I'll just...I'll get them.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49So, we've got, er, skinny latte, er, or....Coke?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52No...thanks. Sarah?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Yep?- Do you live on a bench?!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Well, "benchette".
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Yeah, it's tad cosy, but the boards are original, which is nice.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05But...your bedroom...?!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Ooh, easy tiger.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Let me just slip into something a little more...comfortable.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:26CHIMES
0:06:31 > 0:06:34So, where were we?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Sarah, I'm not entirely happy with...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Ssh!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Can I borrow some money, please?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54MUSIC: "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by Scissor Sisters
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# Wake up in the morning with a head like "what you done?"
0:06:57 > 0:07:01# This used to be the life but I don't need another one
0:07:01 > 0:07:03WHISTLE BLOWS
0:07:03 > 0:07:06# Good luck cuttin' nothin' carrying on, you wear them gowns
0:07:06 > 0:07:10# So how come I feel so lonely when you're up getting down?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14# So I play along when I hear that special song
0:07:14 > 0:07:19# I'm gonna be the one who gets it right
0:07:19 > 0:07:24# You better know when you're swingin' round the room
0:07:24 > 0:07:27# Look's like the magic's solely yours tonight
0:07:27 > 0:07:32# But I don't feel like dancin' When the old Joanna plays
0:07:32 > 0:07:37# My heart could take a chance But my two feet can't find a way
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# You'd think that I could muster up a little soft, shoop devil sway
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# But I don't feel like dancin' No sir, no dancin' today
0:07:45 > 0:07:49# Don't feel like dancin', dancin' Even if I find nothin' better to do
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# Why'd you break it down when I'm not in the mood?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56# Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
0:07:56 > 0:08:02# Rather be home with the phone when I can't get down with you... #
0:08:06 > 0:08:09MUSIC ENDS
0:08:12 > 0:08:15MUSIC: "True" by Spandau Ballet
0:08:22 > 0:08:26# Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
0:08:33 > 0:08:36# Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
0:08:51 > 0:08:54# So true, funny how it seems
0:08:54 > 0:08:57# Always in time
0:08:57 > 0:09:00# But never in line for dreams
0:09:00 > 0:09:06# Head over heels when toe to toe
0:09:06 > 0:09:10# This is the sound of my soul... #
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Hi, Ingrid! - Oh, hello. Good weekend?
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Yeah, yeah, it was great.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Had a good old catch up with Valerie,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21so, yeah, it was lots of fun!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23PHONE RINGS, VALERIE RINGTONE
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It's Valerie.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28# Why don't you come on over, Valerie
0:09:28 > 0:09:32# Why don't you come on over, Valerie
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Why don't you come on... #
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Hello. Hi, Valerie!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Yeah, no, I just got in.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43SHE LAUGHS
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Oh, you crack me up. All right, bye.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50What's with the new ringtone?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Oh, I just set up specific ringtones for certain people.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Oh. Right, long train journey, then?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I've got Starman for my brother.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01You know, cos he likes David Bowie and he's a little star.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Aw, that's quite nice, actually.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Having a ringtone to say how really feel about somebody. What's mine?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Hm? Oh. Nothing.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh. Is it Beautiful by Christina Aguilera?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16No.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Erm...ooh, You're My Best Friend by Queen?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Yeah.- Aw!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That's what I've got for you!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Let's have a listen.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28PHONE DIALS
0:10:30 > 0:10:33PSYCHO THEME RINGTONE
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Hello?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Hello, Lorna. It's your former best friend here.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06But I suppose you already knew that because I've got a special ringtone.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Ingrid, don't be like that - I'm going out.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12But I chose it for a good reason,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16cos you're really intense and you like...showers.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17SHE SIGHS
0:11:17 > 0:11:19PHONE DIALS
0:11:20 > 0:11:21RINGTONE
0:11:21 > 0:11:23It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37It's stupid Lorna.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38It's stupid...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40RINGTONE STOPS
0:11:43 > 0:11:44MICROWAVE BEEPS
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- You seen my phone? I left it in here.- No.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Yeah, you have. You're holding it in your hand.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54No, that's my phone.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57No, it's not, it's got my screen saver.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Stupid Lorna. Stupid Lorna. Stupid Lorna...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Hello, girls.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again
0:12:16 > 0:12:20so she won't be home before bedtime. I'm so sorry.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21They've gone left!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23DOGS BARKING, GUNSHOTS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'm out! Harris!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32GUNFIRE, SHOUTING
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Here you go. Oh, hello!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38This is Sergeant Harris. He works for Mummy.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Well, not "for".
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- It's an inter-departmental liaison, so I work WITH...- Get down!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46GUNFIRE
0:12:46 > 0:12:48So have a lovely sleep
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and Mummy will see you first thing in the morning.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52BLOWS KISSES
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Right, I'm going for door! Cover me! Go! Go! Go!
0:12:58 > 0:13:06Right, so, er, that's the cheese...er...there. So that's done.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So, what are you doing, Susan? What are you doing?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10BELL RINGS
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, right!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16So, that's good. Yes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Good morning, Madame.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Ah, yes, be with you in just a second.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Erm, yes, so that's off.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Greaseproof paper's there, cheese is here, greaseproof paper. Yes?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Pardonnez moi, Madame? Vous parlez francais?
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Ah, right. Yes. No. Yes. No. Erm, sorry. Where are we?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Where were we? France! Le France! Le francais.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Erm, French. Yes, erm, so...em...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Bonsoir. Oh, oh. What are you saying, Susan? That's evening.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Buongiorno. No, Italian!
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Jour, I mean bonjour! Bonjour, jour. Jour. Bonjour to you...erm...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Welcome to Blakely Manor.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Right. Done the bonjour bit, so that's done.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Er, yes, so...you want to entree?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Vous voulez-vous voulez voulez voulez...?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Enter, yes. But we do not to speak too good of English so....
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Um. No. Yes. So...attendez...attendez, la...
0:14:11 > 0:14:16While I get the, er, the er...French audio guides.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Les...les....les....Walkmans. Les Walkmans.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Les Marches Hommes.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Marches Hommes for the audio. Attendez. Attendez. Attendez.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35What are you looking for, Susan? Audio, audio, audio, audio, audio, audio...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Right, got those!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Er, oh dear. Who's left these in a...erm...?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Diane!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Someone's left these in a bit of a...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Er, right, so...
0:14:47 > 0:14:52That's, er, £4.50 each for entry plus the audio commentary.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54So, that's £2.50 each, so, that's, er...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57No, that just goes round there. No, I'll do that. Thank you. No.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I don't know if you're helping me or I'm helping you now!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03No. I'll just take that, cos you haven't paid for it yet.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Eight, nine, ten, 11. I'll just...er...
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Thank you and...that's £14 please.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13But, er, I would also like to buy some cheese.
0:15:13 > 0:15:20Yes. Right. Cheese. Yes. Le chezz. Erm...yes, so, right...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Ein, ein... Ein moment.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28One second, I'll just pop these...pop these back on.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30How do I pop these back on?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Can't get my hands in the...thing. That'll do. Doesn't matter.
0:15:34 > 0:15:40Sweaty fingers. Been one of those days. But lovely day for a...right!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Move these for the cheese. Er, yes...
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Right.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49But we only want half of this, please.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You only want half?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Yes, right. So, how do I...what do I...?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I just need to, er...I don't think we've got anything to cut
0:15:58 > 0:16:01the, erm, erm, er...Diane! I need to cut the French!
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I mean cheese! I mean chez! No! Erm, what are you doing, Susan?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08What are you doing? I need to find a knife!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Oh! Look, Prince Harry!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Right, er...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Let's just call it £10 for the lot, shall we?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Do you take euros?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Diane!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Next up, Charles and Eddie. Would I Lie To You?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# Look into my eyes
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# Can't you see they're open wide
0:16:46 > 0:16:51# Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52# Oh, yeah
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# Don't you know it's true
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Girl, there's no-one else but you
0:16:56 > 0:17:00# Would I lie to you, baby? Yeah
0:17:01 > 0:17:07# Everybody wants to know the truth
0:17:07 > 0:17:11# In my arms is the only proof
0:17:11 > 0:17:16# I'm telling you baby you will never find another girl
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# In this heart of mine
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# Oh
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- # Look into my eyes - Look into my eyes
0:17:23 > 0:17:25# Can't you see they're open wide
0:17:25 > 0:17:29# Would I lie to you, baby? Would I lie to you?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31# Oh, yeah
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# Everybody's got their history
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# History
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# On every page, a mystery
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# It's a mystery
0:17:40 > 0:17:44# You can read my diary, you're in every line
0:17:44 > 0:17:48# Jealous minds are never satisfied
0:17:48 > 0:17:54# I'm telling you, baby you will never find another girl
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- # In this heart of mine - In this heart of mine
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# Woo!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# Look into my... # Oh!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Do you know, I get so annoyed with all our friends
0:18:06 > 0:18:08obsessing about when we're going to get married.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I mean, I know we've been together for, what, seven years now,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15but just because they've all conformed to this ridiculous
0:18:15 > 0:18:17social stereotype doesn't mean that we have to.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20No, I was never one of those girls that
0:18:20 > 0:18:22fantasised about you know, the "fairytale wedding",
0:18:22 > 0:18:24with the dresses and the bridesmaids.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25SHE LAUGHS
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I mean, we love each other, right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29And that's all that counts.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32No, I don't need some piece of paper to...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Izzy?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Oh, my God! Mark! Yes! Yes! Yes, I will marry you!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40DINERS APPLAUD
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I love you so much. Come here!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Oh, my God!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You were you going to ask about the, erm, napkin.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Yep, yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's, it's stuck under your chair.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08No, I haven't got it, you need to lift up, lift up your chair.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Got it. Got it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Can we have the bill, please?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- But I was going to get a pudding. - Don't you dare.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Can I help you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh, this colour looks well good on you, babes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31You should wear it Saturday night.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32- Do you reckon?- Definitely.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Oh, yeah, I look proper fit, don't I?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Nadia? Emma? Customer waiting?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Customer.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Can I help you, madam?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, yes, thank you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I'm going to my daughter's graduation next week,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00she got a first in Classics at Warwick University.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I don't know where she gets her brains from, certainly not from me.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Well, anyway, I've just bought a lovely red dress
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and I was just trying to find a lipstick to go with it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I thought, I thought perhaps this one. What do you think?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What I think is, is that you're too old for that lipstick.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I beg your pardon?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Ah, she's losing her hearing, you're too old for that lipstick.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Nadia! Emma! Apologise to the lady immediately.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What? I'm just being honest. She can't wear that lipstick
0:20:25 > 0:20:28cos of all them wrinkles she's got round her mouth.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30She's right. It'll leak everywhere.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's the truth and I'm not gonna
0:20:33 > 0:20:35stand here and tell a blatant lie cos that's what you wanna hear.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Don't.- Cos I wouldn't be being myself and I've gotta be true to myself.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Always.- And I'm never gonna apologise for being myself.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- Don't.- Cos then I'd be lying to myself
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and I'm never gonna do that cos I'm a really honest person.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47- She is.- And that's just who I am.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Emma, I'm warning you... - Can I be honest, Michelle?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- You're coming off really aggressive right now.- You are actually.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I know you're having a rough time cos Ted left you for a 22-year-old
0:20:56 > 0:20:58but maybe if you took more care of yourself in the lady area...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Bit of a tidy. - ..He wouldn't have gone.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I'm not gonna not tell the truth
0:21:03 > 0:21:05just cos you don't wanna hear it. Sometimes the truth hurts.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- It does.- If you don't want to hear it, you shouldn't ask me
0:21:08 > 0:21:10cos I'll speak the truth cos I'm such an honest person and...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- That's just who I am. - That's just who she is.- Get out.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16We will get out. We're getting out right now.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Oh, and by the way, the 22-year-old Ted's shacked up with? It's Beth.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25We seen 'em down Ritzy.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I knew it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- You've just got to be honest, haven't you?- Absolutely.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Hello and welcome to Realistic Cooking. I'm Shirley.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45And I'm Jenny.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Tonight I'm going to be showing you how to make a realistic lamb casserole.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I'm going to do what most people do, and make a pudding quite badly.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Right, so let's start with that casserole.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Now, for your casserole, you're going to need some lamb.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Most cuts will do, although I didn't make it to the shops in time,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02so I'm making my lamb with chicken.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Will any chicken do, Shirley?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Well this is all I had in the freezer, so it'll have to.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09OK. Now we're going to want some body to the casserole,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11so we're going to add some vegetables.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Err, carrots work well, as do leeks and onions.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- What have you got there? - Oh, some broccoli.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17As I said, I didn't make it to the shops in time.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'm going to put that into the casserole dish and,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22as you can see, I haven't actually cleaned that
0:22:22 > 0:22:23since the last time I last used it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25That's just what happens, so let's go with it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Jen! Do you want to talk us through your pudding?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Sure, yes. Well, I was going to show you how to make a tarte Tatin.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Then of course I realised that I didn't know what that was
0:22:34 > 0:22:36so I'm just going to make apple pie instead.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Now, as you can see, I've already made the pastry case for this,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and if you look carefully, Shirley,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43you can see that this bit here is completely burnt.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It is, yeah. And of course, all around here as well.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Pretty much everywhere, really.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49And that's because I was on the phone to a friend
0:22:49 > 0:22:51and simply forgot all about it. That will happen.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53If it's not the phone, it's someone at the door,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55or the kids getting on your tits
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and you may as well just accept that the whole thing is going to be
0:22:57 > 0:22:59burnt to buggery and move on.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Anyway, what I'm going to do next is get some apples,
0:23:02 > 0:23:03or in my case, grapes.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh, unusual.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yes. Well, that's what the moron from my home supermarket
0:23:07 > 0:23:11delivery service decided was the closest thing to apples. So his bad.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13While you half-heartedly wash those,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I'm going to carry on with making my lamb and carrot casserole,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17which I'm making with chicken and broccoli.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'm going to pop some cauliflower in there as well.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Why's that?- Oh, because it needed eating up, frankly.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Is it on the turn? - Oh, It's doing summersaults.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27But I'm two glasses of white wine down so I couldn't give a toss.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Now the stock is very important.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32So it's just a shame that I haven't got any.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Of course, you can make your own by simply boiling down the bones.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38THEY LAUGH
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Just taking the piss. As if!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So water it is.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Now, you can also use white wine, but frankly why pour it on food
0:23:45 > 0:23:47when you could be pouring it down your neck instead.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50We'll shove it in the oven. Time to watch a some Downton Abbey
0:23:50 > 0:23:51and it should be done.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- MICROWAVE BEEPS - Jenny.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59Yes, well, erm...my grape flan's all but finished.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00And by finished I mean ruined.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03As you can see, I've accidentally put it in a microwave
0:24:03 > 0:24:06instead of the oven, so the grapes have all been exploded
0:24:06 > 0:24:07and the pastry's gone soggy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Now all we have to do is pop that in the bin.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'll turn off the oven, because frankly no one's going to want to
0:24:12 > 0:24:15eat chicken, broccoli and cauliflower in water.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- And go and order a takeaway. - Still watch Downton though.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Oh, yes. BOTH: See you next week.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32CAT MEOWS
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Mornin', nurse!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45'Midwifery is the very stuff of life.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49'A midwife is in the thick of it, she sees it all.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52'I knew nothing of poverty or filth...'
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Apples and pears? Dog and bones?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57'Of families sleeping four to a bed...'
0:24:57 > 0:25:01She's in there.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Been screaming the house down all morning, she has.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08'In short, I knew nothing of life itself.'
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Thank you...commoners.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17'Never in all my days, had I seen such squalor.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21'I crossed over to the bed and said...'
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Mrs Harris, I'm...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24'Mrs Harris, I'm Nurse Nancy.'
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Yes, I'll take it from here. Thank you.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27'Sorry.'
0:25:27 > 0:25:29How are you feeling, Mrs Harris?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Well, Nurse, I've been diddlin' on me rinky dinks for the last
0:25:32 > 0:25:35square 'n fivepence, trying to scraggle out a tiggywink.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Right. Um...
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Oh! Well, we'd better get this baby delivered then, hadn't we?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Can I go down the pub now?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50No, Mr Harris. We need hot water and clean towels.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Hot water and clean towels?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Yes, Mr Harris. As many as you can find.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Right-o then.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Now, I'm just going to examine you, Mrs Harris, so try to relax.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Well, that all looks fine. Is this your first child, Mrs Harris?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Not exactly.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Golly.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Here you go, Nurse, hot water and clean towels.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Thank you, Mr Harris.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Can I go down the pub now?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27No, Mr Harris. We need hot water and clean towels.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29As many as you can find.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Right-o then.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32He seems like a good man, Mrs Harris.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He's all right.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I suppose you're wondering if I've got a fella.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38SHE MOANS IN PAIN
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Well you see, there's this one chap who I sort of like,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43but I don't know if I actually love him.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Have you ever had that?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47SHE GRUNTS
0:26:47 > 0:26:49No, I don't suppose you have.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And then there's this other fella, who I'm madly in love with,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56but he's married so you see, it's sort of really complicated.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57SHE SCREAMS
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Oh, I know what you're thinking, Mrs Harris, with this flawless skin
0:27:00 > 0:27:04and glossy hair, there's no chance of me being on my own for long.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09And do you know what, Mrs Harris? I think you're probably right.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11SHE SCREAMS
0:27:11 > 0:27:14We've run out of hot water and clean towels.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- So I got these instead. - Thank you, Mr Harris.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Oh! Oh! It's coming, the baby's coming!
0:27:20 > 0:27:25Right, Mrs Harris! Push!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28SHE SCREAMS, BABY CRIES
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well done, Mrs Harris. You've done it!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32What is it, Nurse? Let me see.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It's...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35A cockney.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Sounds like I've arrived just in time.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Sister Bridget!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Is it the end of the episode yet?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Yes, Sister.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Lovely. Well, that can only mean one thing.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Tea and cake?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Oooh, lovely.- Yes, please.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01'Looking around that room, I no longer saw squalor and filth
0:28:01 > 0:28:08'and cockneys, I saw only squalor and filth and cockneys and...cake.'
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Can I go down the pub now?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14ALL: No, Mr Harris!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd