0:00:22 > 0:00:24Ta-da! What do you think?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- Erm...- What? Too short?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Too dressy? What, too fussy?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- Erm...- Not my colour? Not with my skin tone?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- Mmm...- Too tight? Bit cleavage-y?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- Not cleavage-y enough?- Mmm...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Too last year? Too "Hello, boys"?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- Too big?- Mmm.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Too cheap? Too young?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45- Too see-through?- Erm...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Gives me pancake bum?- Mmm.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Too "I bought this from a tranny shop"?- Erm...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- A bit too "This old thing? I just threw it on," when I blatantly didn't?- Erm...
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- A bit too "Hey, I got a Mad Men box set and Peggy's my favourite character?"- Mmm.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Too "I run a shop selling overpriced candles?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Too "Don't look at me, but do look at me, but don't look at me"?- Mmm.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Too "I'm a high-class prostitute but not high enough"?- Mmm.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Too "I'm a sportswoman collecting an award"?- Erm...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Too "I was dressed by the Romanian Gok Wan"?- Mmm.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Too "My mother dressed me until I was 24 and I'm stuck in the '80s
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"and I'd rather be wearing a school uniform because it was always so much simpler then"?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19This dress is repellent! It's disgusting, I look...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I look like Hitler!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Oh, my God!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I thought it looked all right.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30So, first of all, I'd like to thank you so much
0:01:30 > 0:01:33for taking the time to meet with me today.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38I'd like to begin, if I may, with a brief outline of my business proposal.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39- Sure, yes, go ahead.- By all means.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Thank you so much.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49So, basically, as you can see,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52my business is a global international business
0:01:52 > 0:01:57which specialises in the knowledge diversification of strategic market sustainability manoeuvres
0:01:57 > 0:02:01whilst simultaneously maximising corporate profitability expenditures.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Right, yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, moving on, if I may,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12we are looking to implement core competence across all subdivisions
0:02:12 > 0:02:16to enable us to optimise capital realisation strategies going forward
0:02:16 > 0:02:18so that in the next five years...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20COMPUTER BEEPS
0:02:21 > 0:02:22COMPUTER BEEPS
0:02:23 > 0:02:27..we will be the leading business provider of robust fusion solutionabilities
0:02:27 > 0:02:32in both the global and international markets.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33OK, yeah, sure.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Which is why I'm looking for a financial investment
0:02:36 > 0:02:40funding injection package of £10 million.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42COMPUTER BEEPS
0:02:43 > 0:02:47So, what is it the company does? It's a global...?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Global international business, that's correct, yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Which is...?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Which is a business that is both global and international.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59So, say we were to invest the 10 million,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03what sort of return could we expect over the first 12 months?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Sure. You'd be looking at a strategic profitability influx margin
0:03:07 > 0:03:13of between 200 to £210 million.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14COMPUTER BEEPS
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Sorry, just to be totally clear, the company, it's, it's a...?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Sure, so, it's a global international business
0:03:22 > 0:03:26which diversifies outgoing growth potential knowledge projections
0:03:26 > 0:03:30to increase its strategic sustainability margins, mmm.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Sorry, what is it? Sustainability diversification...?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Knowledge diversification projections, yes.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Richard?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Erm, where's the company based?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46It's a globally-based company.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50On this globe, for example, where exactly would you say it's based?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Mmm, well, it's probably easier to say where it isn't based
0:03:53 > 0:03:55than where it is based.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- So, where isn't it based, then? - Globally speaking?- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Luxembourg.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:13 > 0:04:15# You cast a spell on me Spell on me
0:04:15 > 0:04:19# You hit me like the sky fell on me Fell on me
0:04:19 > 0:04:23# And I decided you look well on me Well on me... #
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Tamara, can I have a word with you, please?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm just having a dance.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Toilets, Tamara. Now.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- What's going on? - What do you mean?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Do you like that bloke?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42That bloke on the dance floor? Yeah, he was nice.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- What about Nathan? - What about Nathan?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46You and Nathan have only just split up
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and you're already dancing up next to some random.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Nathan split up with me, Emma. - Emma, I don't...
0:04:51 > 0:04:52- Stay out of this, Lise.- Right.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Right, the thing about me is, yeah, I'm a really honest person.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- She is.- So I'm not going to pretend you're not coming off really easy,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00cos I can't lie to you. And I'm sorry if that upsets you,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03but I'm not going to not tell the truth, cos I just can't do that,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- cos this is who I am. - That's who she is.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change who I am for no-one,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- so don't ask me to cos I won't do it.- Deal with it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Just like I'm not going to stand here and be all two-faced
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- and say you look nice in that dress...- Don't.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19..when what you actually look like is a massive fat banana.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- You really do. - And I'm sorry if that upsets you but I've gotta be myself, yeah,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- cos I'm a really honest person. - She is.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26And if you don't like that, then I'm sorry,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30but I ain't never going to not be myself because then I'd be lying to myself, and I can't do that,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- cos I'm a really honest person and that's just who I am. - That's just who she is.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I think that's enough now, guys.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45By the way, Lisa slept with Nathan while you were at your nan's.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Don't worry about it, Lise, he'd slept with half of Romford by the time he got to you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Just got to be honest, haven't you?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Absolutely.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, thank goodness you've come.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17We do what we can.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Can I get you a cup of tea?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I'll get these bad boys down first. Where are the Jerries?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, er, the mice? Erm, well, they're over there.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Cupboard by the cooker.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- So, what now?- Now...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47we wait.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52So, is it a good time for pest control?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I can't talk about that, Madam.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55OK.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEAKS
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Oh, God, there it goes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01SHE EXHALES
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Are you all right? - Yeah, no, I'm fine.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEAKS
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Gah!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Are you sure you're all right?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Yeah, nope, you think you get used to it, and...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15TRAP SNAPS, MOUSE SQUEALS
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Oh!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Look, is there something I can get you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22No, it's, erm... It's just that, erm...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Killing things is the part of the job that I hate, so...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Isn't that the main part of the job?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Yeah, which is what makes it very, very hard.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I love the other stuff, so...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The uniform, the people, the smell of rodenticide in the morning.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Just not the poisoning of the rodents.- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Someone's son, someone's daughter, you know?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Not really...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45TWO TRAPS SNAP
0:07:47 > 0:07:49SHE SIGHS
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That's a mummy and a daddy, and two babies.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, that's a shame.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54All right, give me a minute.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57SHE EXHALES
0:07:59 > 0:08:02May God have mercy on us all.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14- RADIO:- "Next up, that 1985 hit from Falco, Rock Me Amadeus."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# Rock me all the time to the top
0:08:18 > 0:08:20# Er war ein Punker Und er lebte in der grossen Stadt
0:08:20 > 0:08:23# Es war Wien war Vienna Wo er alles tat
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# Er hatte Schulden denn er trank Doch ihn liebten alle Frauen
0:08:26 > 0:08:29# Und jede rief Come and rock me Amadeus
0:08:29 > 0:08:31# Er war Superstar Er war popular
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair
0:08:34 > 0:08:37# Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus... #
0:08:45 > 0:08:46POLICE SIREN BLARES
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus
0:08:49 > 0:08:51# Come on, rock me, Amadeus
0:08:51 > 0:08:53# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus
0:08:53 > 0:08:56# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus
0:08:56 > 0:08:59# Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus
0:08:59 > 0:09:01# Hey!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04# Es war um 1780 Und es war in Wien
0:09:04 > 0:09:07# No plastic money any more Die Banken gegen ihn
0:09:07 > 0:09:10# Woher die Schulden kamen War wohl jedermann bekannt
0:09:10 > 0:09:12# Er war ein Mon der Frauen Frauen liebten seinen Punk
0:09:12 > 0:09:15# Er war Superstar Er war so popular
0:09:15 > 0:09:18# Er war so exaltiert Because er hatte Flair
0:09:18 > 0:09:20# Er war ein Virtuose War ein Rockidol
0:09:20 > 0:09:23# Und alles rief Come on and rock me Amadeus
0:09:23 > 0:09:26# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# Amadeus, Amadeus Amadeus
0:09:28 > 0:09:32# Amadeus, Amadeus Oh, oh, oh, Amadeus
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# Come on, rock me, Amadeus... #
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oi! Denim. Crisp packet.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Bin. Now.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Lucky we were here.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Unbelievable. See that?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Good morning, Susan.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Ah, erm, er, yes.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I'll be with you in a second, er, Lord Blakely.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Right, so, vase, trifle, and china, so that's...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So, erm, where were we?
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Um, er, yes, and a good morning to you, too, Lord Blakely!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Got there in the end, didn't we?!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11I was just coming in to check they'd brought in my blue jasper?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Ah, 234 years she's been in the family.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17What a beauty, eh?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yes, the, er, the vase, that's on display.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Good. Right, well, Fiona Bruce is just outside in the courtyard.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I'll be bringing her in in a sec to take a look at it,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30and I dare say she'll be wanting a taste of your delicious trifle, Susan.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Shan't be long.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Oh, er, yes, right. Fiona Bruce! Um...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Diane, we've got a code red celebrity situation happening down here, my love!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Oh, hello, Mrs Bruce.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"Er, Miss Bruce. I mean, Ms Bruce.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"Hello, Fiona Bruce. Would you care for some trifle?"
0:10:57 > 0:10:59That's all, er, set.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03WASP BUZZES
0:11:10 > 0:11:15BUZZING CONTINUES
0:11:18 > 0:11:21What are you doing, wasp?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What are you doing?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26BUZZING CONTINUES
0:11:32 > 0:11:35BUZZING STOPS
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Oh!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41BUZZING RESUMES
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Diane?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Can you come down, my love?!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47BUZZING CONTINUES
0:11:47 > 0:11:49BUZZING STOPS
0:11:49 > 0:11:51BUZZING RESUMES
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Ooh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Diane, we've got an A-list sting potential
0:11:58 > 0:12:01with Bruce in transit, my darlin'.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Susan, this is Fiona Bruce...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14CHINA SMASHES
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Bruce!
0:12:19 > 0:12:20WASP BUZZES
0:12:20 > 0:12:22HE YELLS, VASE SMASHES
0:12:22 > 0:12:23My jasper!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25BUZZING CONTINUES
0:12:29 > 0:12:30BUZZING STOPS
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Got ya, you bleeder!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Not you, Bruce.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40DIANE!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43RADIO: # It's everything about you You, you
0:12:43 > 0:12:47BOTH: # Everything about you you, you
0:12:47 > 0:12:51# It's everything that you do Do, do
0:12:51 > 0:12:54# Everything about you... #
0:12:56 > 0:12:59MUSIC CONTINUES
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Hey, Fi.- Hey, Bea.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Hey, Melissa.- Hey, Clarissa.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Thank you for taking us to the concert, Mr Beckford.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's my absolute pleasure, Melissa.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Did you have a nice birthday? - Yah, I had a really nice birthday.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Do you want to see my presents?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Totally.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I got a One Direction pencil case.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24That's nice.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I got a One Direction Velcro purse.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28I like that.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I got a One Direction ringbinder.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32That's nice.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I got a One Direction lunchbox.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I really like that.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I got a One Direction flask.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39That's nice.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I got a One Direction hot water bottle.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I like that. I think it's really nice.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And I got a Take That calendar.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It's from my aunty Catherine.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58She's, like, bipolar.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07'I guess it was a night like any other.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11'I was writing up a story about a district attorney who was living way beyond his means.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14'He was waving more notes than a fat kid in gym class.'
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Night, Ginger.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Good night, Joe.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21'That's his yacht. Pretty, ain't she?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23'And I guess the girl's not bad either.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25'I had it all figured out. Just another DA on the take,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28'another actress on the make. So far, so blah, right?'
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Good night, Joe.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31'Boy, could I be more wrong?'
0:14:33 > 0:14:35'It was no good. I couldn't sleep.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38'Something had gotten under my skin. Something in those photographs.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41'Something stank like three-day-old fish.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43'And it wasn't my three-day-old fish.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47'I just had to take a closer look at those photographs.'
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Hi, Joe.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56'What was wrong with that picture?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59'What was eating away at me like a piranha at a pool party?'
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Come on, Ginger, you're looking at this all wrong.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08'And then I saw it!'
0:15:12 > 0:15:14My God!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17'I had a grenade in my hand, and I'd pulled out the pin!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20'I needed to call Joe, my editor, not Joe the photographer.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21'Or Joe the cleaner.'
0:15:21 > 0:15:23PHONE RINGS
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's 3am, Ginger! This better be good.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32She has cellulite, Joe! I'm going to win the Pulitzer with this!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Forget it, Ginger! You're off the story.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I've had a tip-off the VP's selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38How's your Mandarin?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Put Jimmy on the Chinese nukes! An actress has orange peel skin!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Don't you see?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And I'm telling you now to drop it, Ginger!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47People don't want to know about the physical
0:15:47 > 0:15:49imperfections of the rich and famous! It just don't sell.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I remember when I was just a cub reporter working for an editor
0:15:52 > 0:15:54who didn't care what would sell.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57The only thing that editor cared about was the truth.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And the truth is an actress has got slightly bumpy thighs.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04People need to know, Joe. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07but in three months' time while they're waiting for the dentist.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Goddamn it! I'm going to run this story!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, you won't regret it, Joe!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Hold the front page! We're running with "Famous Lady Has Bumpy Thighs"!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Think I'll make a drink.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31What do you want, Sal, tea or coffee?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Erm...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Sally Marshall. I'm from the future. Listen carefully.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40We don't have much time.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43The future of the planet lies in your hands.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47You must choose tea. Do you understand? It's your destiny.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It's vitally important that you choose tea! I must go.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Choose tea.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Sal? Tea or coffee?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Er...tea, please, dad?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh, no, we're out of bags.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Do you want to pop to the shop, darlin'?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll just have a coffee.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Oh, well, thanks a lot, Sally Marshall.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Seriously. Thanks a... Argh! Laser in the face!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Actually, Dad, have you got a biscuit?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41If you could marry one of One Direction, who would you marry?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I'd marry Niall. He's really nice.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Oh, he's so nice.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47He's nice, isn't he?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Yeah, Niall's really nice.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I really like Niall.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Yeah, I really like Niall. I think he's really nice.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Yeah, I like Niall, but I also really like Liam.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00ALL OTHERS: Really? Do you like Liam?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Literally. I think Liam's eyes are so nice.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yeah. I really like Liam's left eye.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11I like Liam's left eye, but I also really like Liam's right eye.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Yeah, he's got a really nice right eye, I really like it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I'd marry Harry.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, I really like Harry!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yeah, I really like Harry. He's got really nice hair.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Yeah, his hair's so nice.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It's such nice hair.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Yeah, he's got really nice hair. I really like it.- Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Do you not like Zayn's hair?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Right! That's it! - CAR HORN BEEPS
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's like a part of me likes Zayn's hair
0:18:43 > 0:18:46but another part of me doesn't like Zayn's hair.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47ALL OTHERS: Totally.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Is there a story there, Ginger? Is there anything in it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, there's a story, Joe. There's a story all right.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You just need to know what you're looking for. Open your eyes!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59There's a slight overhang on her waistband
0:18:59 > 0:19:01like the top of a muffin - a muffin-top!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Hold the front page!- Not so fast!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Bump muffin top to page four! This is dynamite!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Look at this famous man - he has small pockets of fat on his torso!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- He's got man-boobs!- Moobs?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I could kiss you, Joe! Now you're talking like a real newspaperman!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19But wait! Bump moobs to page six! Look at this famous lady!
0:19:19 > 0:19:20My God!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23There's no clear demarcation where her calves end and her ankles begin!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25She's got cankles!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Hold the front page! We're running with cankles!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Hello, girls.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Just letting you know that Mummy's stuck at work again,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41so Mummy won't be home for bedtime tonight.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Will you hold the camera still?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- I'll give you a list of names in a minute, all right?- Hurry up!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48That's Sergey. He's a baddie.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Hello! We're not baddies. We have legitimate aims.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53No, they don't.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Oh! I like your pyjamas. Are they kittens?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Don't tell him anything!- Ha-ha!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Right! Be good for Daddy.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And, Rosie, don't jump on the bed, all right?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Mummy will be home as soon as she can steal a helicopter.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Hello. I'm Denise May and welcome back to Treat Yourself TV.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Well, you've certainly been treating yourselves tonight
0:20:26 > 0:20:29because the genuine multi-gemstone Flamingo Princess droplet earrings
0:20:29 > 0:20:33with matching quartz studded Flamingo cameo has almost sold out.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Only 50,000 left in stock, so what are you waiting for?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Pick up the phone and treat yourselves.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Moving on to our next item, and here to present it is Lenora.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Hello, Lenora.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Oh! Hello, Denise.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So, I'm here today to introduce to you a brand-new product
0:20:51 > 0:20:53that I'm so excited about, I really am.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57So it's called the Globaliser, and basically
0:20:57 > 0:21:01it's an international facilitating device that not only promotes
0:21:01 > 0:21:05structural stability on multiple levels, but also distributes
0:21:05 > 0:21:07independent strengthening functionalities...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09globally speaking.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10So, it's a kind of, erm...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13well, it's, you know, the kind of thing you'd use
0:21:13 > 0:21:16when, obviously, when you wanted to, erm...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Globalise. That's correct, yes. - Great, great!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK! Well, shall we take a look at it? I'm sure it will become clearer.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Absolutely.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29So this is it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And if I can just direct your optical organs to this global
0:21:32 > 0:21:35accessibility display panel,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38not only does it enable you to instigate key variables
0:21:38 > 0:21:40of existing core manoeuvres,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44but it also promotes intrinsic sensibility fluctuations,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46on a global scale.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I don't know if you can see this at home actually,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52but the detail on this is really rather special.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Just look at the finish here. And the shape.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It really is very unique indeed.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Lenora, talk us through it in a bit more detail.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03What are we actually looking at here?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Well, it's very simple, Denise.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09So, basically, this bit opens up like this,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and then you have your immobiliser there...and then of course
0:22:13 > 0:22:16you have your flexibility accentuaters,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20but then you have your standard global enhancement activators
0:22:20 > 0:22:22here,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25here, and thus.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27And what's this bit?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29That's the handle, Denise.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32So that, for example, you can take it with you to work
0:22:32 > 0:22:34or to the supermarket.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Lenora, where are our viewers most likely to use this?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Well, Denise, it can be used pretty much anywhere,
0:22:40 > 0:22:45but personally I like to use it in my living room and at barbecues.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And how much will one of these set you back?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Well, it usually retails at a price of six million pounds.- Oh!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59But tonight, and for one night only, we have a special promotional offer
0:22:59 > 0:23:02of just two million pounds.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07- Gosh! So that's a saving of... - Just four million pounds, yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Well, I don't know about you at home,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12but I can definitely see myself buying a Globaliser.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So why don't you? Come on.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Pick up the phone and treat yourself.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17And, for a limited period only,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Lenora, tell us what you're giving away.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Well, Denise, with every purchase of the Globaliser,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26we're giving away a free fibre dispersal catalyst
0:23:26 > 0:23:27completely free of charge.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31And that is a...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34A hairbrush! Of course!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Well, that's me sold!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'll tell you what, if I wasn't at work, I'd be buying myself a Globaliser right now.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42You can have this one if you like, Denise.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Oh! I do like. Thank you very much!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47See you after the break.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49That's two million pounds, please.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- KNOCK AT DOOR - Come in!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Good morning, Prime Minister.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- No rest for the wicked, eh? - There's your morning schedule.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Thank you, Mark.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Mummy, Mummy, look!
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Oh, that's lovely, darling.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16HE MAKES LOUD NOISE
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Don't forget it's your day to take the kids to school.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Mum, I think I drank too much chocolate milk.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yes, well done, darling. That's today, is it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Yes, it's on the calendar.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, right, well, if it's on the calendar(!)
0:24:32 > 0:24:34HE RETCHES
0:24:36 > 0:24:38What is it you're doing again?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'm pitching to the Swiss, first thing.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Right, yes, of course you are.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- See you later.- Yes. See you later.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Oh, God! I don't believe it. We're going to war!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53What?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Yes, I've just had a text from the Foreign Secretary
0:24:55 > 0:24:59and it looks like we're going to war, so I'm probably going to have to go in early, I'm afraid.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I didn't hear you get a text message.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03No, well my phone is on silent so...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06PHONE RINGS
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Pushed the thingy by mistake there.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Looks like you're going to have to take the children to school. Sorry about that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15The Foreign Secretary told you we're going to war...in a text?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Yes, I should probably have a word with him about that, actually.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Bit unprofessional.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21- Let me see it.- What?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Show me the text.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23I can't.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It's...it's classified.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Show me the text or I'm going.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31There - see?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Frances, are you pretending we've gone to war
0:25:34 > 0:25:36so you don't have to take the kids to school?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Oh, my God, Jeff! How could you even think that?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You're right. I'm sorry.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Thank you.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Aha-ha-ha-ha-haa!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07ALARM RINGS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I told you it was classified.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Bye, boys! Be good for Daddy.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Bye, darling!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Hello
0:26:29 > 0:26:33# I'd like to introduce myself to you
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# I'm that girl from all those adverts
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# That your boyfriend wishes he was married to
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# I'm cute
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# I sound just like a baby when I sing
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# I can play the ukelele
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# And do cartwheels in the rain, that's just my thing
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# I wear dark-rimmed retro spectacles
0:26:54 > 0:26:55# And ankle socks with brogues
0:26:55 > 0:27:00# Now I'm rolling in a meadow in my girly vintage clothes
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# That's right, I'm kooky girl
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# And my favourite mode of transport
0:27:05 > 0:27:10# Is a bicycle with a basket on the front
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# For flowers and French baguettes
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Cos I'm a kooky girl
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Look, a fountain! Now I'm in it
0:27:17 > 0:27:22# How original! Who can resist my quirky charms?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# Adorable, cutesy, nerdy # She's feminine and flirty
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Kooky girl
0:27:30 > 0:27:35# If you need someone to advertise your bank or mobile phones
0:27:35 > 0:27:40# Or your dating website needs more hits, we'll make it more well known
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# Yes, we are kooky girls
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# We're all over your TV
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Like Zooey Deschanel
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# We're the quirky girl army # We're so non-threatening
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Men and women both love me
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# We'll sell you anything
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Cos we look so flippin' twee... #
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Right, what do you want?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05We've got digital cameras, we've got perfumes, mortgage deals...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Quick! It's the fuzz!- Laters.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13POLICE SIREN WAILS
0:28:42 > 0:28:46So the transmission is concluded but there is additional material
0:28:46 > 0:28:50if you digitate the red protuberance, right now.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Push the red button for more.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd