0:00:20 > 0:00:26APP NARRATOR: Welcome. You've made the right choice in downloading this Running Scared,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29the motivational programme developed by qualified sports scientists
0:00:29 > 0:00:30to get you running.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Are you ready?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33OK, let's go!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36So, let's start at nice, even pace,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39just finding your rhythm before we...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Wait a minute.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44What's that? Footsteps behind you, getting closer...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Oh, my God! Run! Run! Run!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49There's a hit man behind you and he's armed!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53He's going to take you out, he's going to take you out because you look like someone
0:00:53 > 0:00:55who double-crossed the Mafia and the KGB!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56GUNSHOT
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- MALE VOICE:- Argh! I've been shot, I'm shot!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Don't look back! You have to get away! You have to run!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04It's not safe!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07You're dead meat, Emma!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- How do you know my name!? - You can't outrun him.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Your only chance is to hide, hide, hide!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Oh, thank God, you lost him!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18And relax.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Oh, no. - What is it?!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Oh, God! It's a massive swarm of killer bees!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And they're angry, Emma, they're angry with you!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31BUZZING
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Where are you going to go, what are you going to do?!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Congratulations.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You have burnt 12 calories.
0:01:53 > 0:01:5726, 27, 28, 29, 30.
0:01:57 > 0:02:0031, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- 38, 39...- Excuse me?
0:02:03 > 0:02:0554, 54, 56...
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Sorry, I just...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'll be with you in a second. Diane!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13So, that's all fine, uh, there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17So, what am I doing? Uh, yes!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20So, yes, I'm dealing with you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23How can I help you, young man?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26It's just that I've got separated from my gran.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I was out in the maze and I think she might still be
0:02:28 > 0:02:31in the agricultural exhibition in the great hall.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I see, so... Not a problem.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38So... What am I doing?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Right! So I've done that, I've cashed up, so that's...
0:02:41 > 0:02:47So I'll simply put out a message on the, uh,
0:02:47 > 0:02:52on the, uh... Diane... On the, erm, Diane, love... intercom.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What's your gran's name?
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Oh, Mrs Lawler.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Lawler. And you are?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59David Baines.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Right, let's have a look for the, um... Lawler, Lawler, Lawler...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Law-ler, Lawler, Lawler...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Intercom. Right, so...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13TANNOY FEEDBACK
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Good after- good mor- um, hello.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Bit of a problem - if there's a Mrs Lawler in the, um...
0:03:25 > 0:03:29..Mrs Lawler in the, um... Diane!?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Lawler in the great hall...
0:03:33 > 0:03:37could you, um... What are you doing, Susan?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What are you up to?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Yes, that's it!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44If there's a Mrs Lawler in the exhibition, um,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47in the great hall, your, um...
0:03:47 > 0:03:50What was it? Nephew or uncle?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Grandson.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52That's it!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Where were we? Uh, yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01So your grandson, David,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05is here in the, um, where is he?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08What are you doing, Susan? Where is he?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yes, no, ticket office!
0:04:11 > 0:04:15He's in the ticket office for collection...
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Um, well, so actually you're now in the ticket office
0:04:19 > 0:04:23here with me.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28David is, is, is standing right next to you here,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32so, uh... Thank you.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Thank you. We'll be off now.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Got there in the end, didn't we, Mrs Lawler?! Baines!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Lawler!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Honestly, how can you forget to take your own grandson with you?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Some people would forget their heads if they weren't screwed on properly.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Hi, Mike, hi, Veronica, Steve and Vicky here.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Just wanted to say we're running a little bit late, I'm afraid...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Why don't you just go without me?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06We're just having a little bit of a wardrobe crisis, that's all.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08The reason I'm having a wardrobe crisis
0:05:08 > 0:05:11is because the outfit I bought specifically for today,
0:05:11 > 0:05:12that cost me nearly £200,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15actually makes my arms look like massive, fatty, bulging hams.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17So if it's all right with you, Steve,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'll just crack on here until I've found an outfit
0:05:19 > 0:05:21that doesn't make me look like a sausage in a dress.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Oh, and for your information,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm pretty sure that Veronica will back me up on this - Hi, Veronica!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28When a woman asks you how she looks,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32you should try and come up with something more encouraging than "fine."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I didn't say you looked fine, I said you looked nice!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Do you see what I've to put up with?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I hate myself.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Hello.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You must be the new girl. I'm Alison.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Nice to meet you. I'm Megan.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Oh, I know who you are.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Sorry?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Here are the helpful elves,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03helping others, not ourselves.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Pardon?- It's OK.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Oh, um...
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I'm one, too.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12One what?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You're a Brownie.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So are you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I used to be, but I left when I was like ten.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25You didn't leave the Brownies. No-one leaves the Brownies.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Your moussaka's ready.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Oh, um...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Now's not the time but the time will come.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34The time for what?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38You might want to try that with Parmesan. I also have the cooking badge.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Listen, I...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Just tying my shoelace.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I'll see you around.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Someone's hungry.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Oi, you lot, keep it down!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Sorry, love, there's no sausages left.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Oh, right.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Oh, no. Off we go.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Oh, no.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- There's trouble.- Here it comes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Someone's off.- Hold your horses.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- There she is.- Don't you start.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Watch it, you.- Oh, happy days.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What you got there, then, Pat? Peas and mash, is it?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That's right.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Oh, gone vegetarian, have you?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I've gone vegetarian. You gone vegetarian?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Your guess is as good as mine. - I bet you do.- Oh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02BOTH: Oh, dear.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06No, seriously Pat, that's all you're having, is it?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Well, they ran out of sausages so... - Oh, right. Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm always last in line, see.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I miss meat.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Course you do, Pat.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Listen, this might be your lucky day.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Oh, my lucky day, is it?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Well, that'd be telling,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31but keep it on the down low, yeah?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Sausage! I don't believe it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You yanking my chain?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Not if I can help it. Tell you what, there'll be a very disappointed Terry
0:08:42 > 0:08:45waiting for me back home. Mr Twinkles loves his scraps, he does.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47But, well, I won't tell if you won't.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Well, I've got some transfers coming in from Broadmoor, so...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Pat?- What? - I said I'd better go.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh yeah, yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00You might want to blow on that, it's been in my pocket.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04See you later, mischief.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Pat?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, yeah, not if I see you first.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09It takes two to tango!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14That's what they all say!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Bon appetit, Pat. Bon appetit.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22OK, hello, Veronica and Mike.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23MOOING
0:09:23 > 0:09:26What was that?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Did you hear that?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I did try to call but you're obviously busy getting married,
0:09:32 > 0:09:33so not to worry.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36It's just that I seem to have got a bit lost, actually.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41So if you could you call me back if you get a mo, that'd be grand.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Obviously only if you get a chance, obviously.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's just that I did follow the directions to the church
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and I definitely went through Kent
0:09:50 > 0:09:53but I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere
0:09:53 > 0:09:56because I seem to have ended up in...
0:09:56 > 0:09:57France.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Madame? 'Allo?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yes, go away!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05No, go away, thank you!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Bonjour, thank you.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I don't know if you can see this, erm...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Madame, 'allo, 'allo?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14OK. If I'm not back in a week, then call the police.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY LITTLE MAN!
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Time for your two o'clock meeting.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- What meeting?- Follow me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Hello, Megan.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40What is this?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I told you. No-one leaves the Brownies.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Our work goes on.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51We make the office a better place, one good turn at a time.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Who do you think cleans up the cups every night? Sally.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59She's got a covert washing-up badge.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Who do you think bakes the birthday cakes? Rachel.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03She's got the baking birthday cakes badge.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Do you want me to go on?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Who does the toilets?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11That's... Private contractors. But everything else is us.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Join us, Megan! Help us help the world!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16This all sounds really great, but, erm, I think
0:11:16 > 0:11:18you've got the wrong girl.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Walking away! Not exactly the Brownie way.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You swore an oath to do your best, to do your duty to God...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I was eight years old!
0:11:29 > 0:11:30To serve the Queen.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35- ALL:- To help other people and to keep the Brownie Guide law.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I can't, all right?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41(Megan, what are you so scared of?)
0:11:41 > 0:11:45That dress! I really hated that dress!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50But it's the dress that gives the Brownies their power!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52We wore this thing week in, week out
0:11:52 > 0:11:55when we were at our most emotionally vulnerable.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56But we survived.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58(And we thrived.)
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Brownies, we live in an age where no-one cares any more.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Help desks that don't help.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Good Samaritans that don't Samarit good!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Megan, it's time to take the Brownie Way out of the office
0:12:12 > 0:12:13and into the streets.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It's time to do a good turn for the world! Are ya with me?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Let's do this!- Yes!
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- TOGETHER:- Brownies lend a hand!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Megan, you're up! Help that old lady carry her shopping across the street.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Hey, do you need any help? - No, I'm fine, dear.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Says she's fine.- What?!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46She says she's all right, so...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Why won't you let us help you? - No, I'm all right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Just let us help you. Be much easier if you just let us help you!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59No, thank you!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Be much easier! Why won't you let us help you?!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04OLD WOMAN WHIMPERS AND CRIES OUT
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Brownies lend a hand!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Brownies lend a hand!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oi! Cyclist!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27I'm going to help you!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I'm going to help you so good!
0:13:31 > 0:13:36I'm not in a mood. I just want some fresh air, woman! God!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- 'Allo, Rodg.- Oh, all right, Pete?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43You all right, mate?
0:13:43 > 0:13:48No, I'm not. Bloody livid. Second place, can you believe it!?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Bloody joke! Yeah, well they can take their second place
0:13:51 > 0:13:53and shove it up their...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56God! Son of a bitch!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01And I don't know what you're staring at, either!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He's a Pug. That's just his eyes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, well, that's inbreeding for you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09So who won, then?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Who do you think? John Pierre!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13What, again?!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Shouldn't be allowed, mate. Coming over here, taking all our rosettes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Bonjour!
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Oh, all right, Jean Pierre? Well done, mate. I like your collar.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Ooh, Merci!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25What?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"I like your collar"(!)
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Well, I do like his collar! It's got all them sparkly bits on it.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Listen, I've been meaning to ask you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35you've been doing this for a while, right?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Dogs' years. Why? What's up?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Well, it's just that, sometimes,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42when I'm on the judging table, the rosette guy sort of...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43lifts up my tail and...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- You know.- Perfectly normal.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Oh, right. Good. I wasn't sure if I should be reporting that, or...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52No, it's totally legit, mate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Well, that's me. I suppose I better go and brush my fur.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Well, your looking good to me, mate.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Yeah, proper dogs bollocks.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04- No, you're all right.- Yeah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06How is it down there? Is it all healed up then?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Yeah, all good. Yeah, was a bit sore for a while,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11had to wear a cone on me head to stop me nibbling at me...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- All right, mate.- Oh, sorry, mate.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Must be nervous. I talk a lot when I'm nervous.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Don't be nervous, mate!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Eh? Look at you! You're in your prime! Yeah.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You got great lines, lovely, wet nose.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I reckon you got it sewn up this year!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't mean to... - No, you're all right.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Thanks a lot.- Yeah. - Well, I'll see you later then.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yeah. Don't forget. Balls of steel, yeah?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Oh, sorry, mate!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41See you later...bud.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45What?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Hello, Adrian. I forgot you worked here.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53So,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55anything you want to tell me? No?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You don't want to tell me what happened last night?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Cos I thought you were coming to that after work drinks do
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I told you about, remember?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Not that you said you'd come or anything,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I just presumed that you'd want to meet my friends given
0:16:07 > 0:16:10that that would be the next logical step in our relationship.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I mean, I've met all your friends, Adrian.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Well, I say 'met', it was more of a wave, really,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17cos they don't let members of the public past the gates.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20But they can put a face to the name, which is more
0:16:20 > 0:16:22than can be said for my friends, Adrian.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Adrian, I'm joking. Look, something came up. I get it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Don't beat yourself up about it. There'll be other drinks dos.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It's not a big deal.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Although I did tell everyone you were going to be there,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38so bit embarrassing for me when you didn't turn up.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Thanks a lot, Adrian!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Look.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44All I'm saying is,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47if this is going to work, you've got to let me in.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I can't get close to you if you don't let me in, Adrian.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Oh, God, why can't I quit you?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Adrian, no, no, no, no!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Haven't I been hurt enough? Hm?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'm sorry it has to be this way, Adrian...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08But it's over.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28You know what that was, don't you? Our first fight.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Remember that for the wedding speech.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Can I have borrow some of your lip gloss?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- You like my lipgloss? - Yeah, it's really nice.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's nice, isn't it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Do you like my hat?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Yeah, I really like it. It's really nice.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01BOYS: Hey.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Hey.- Hey.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Shall we go in?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Yeah, we should totally go in.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Four tickets for Zombies Versus Woolly Mammoths, please.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35You got ID?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36No.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Well then, I can't let you in. (It's an 'R' rating.)
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Oh, OK. Cool.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48There is a film about to start in screen six,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Teenage Vampires In Love?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Do you want to go see Teenage Vampires In Love?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58I don't know. Do you want to go see Teenage Vampires In Love?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I don't know.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Yeah. OK, whatever, sure. Four tickets. Thanks.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19WOMAN IN FILM: 'Who are you?'
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- MAN IN FILM:- 'I'm... I'm a teenage vampire.'
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- He's nice.- Yeah, he's really nice.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35'I really like you, Ella.'
0:19:36 > 0:19:39'I really like you too. Rupert.'
0:19:43 > 0:19:45'Kiss me!'
0:19:45 > 0:19:47'It's too dangerous!'
0:19:47 > 0:19:49'I don't care! Kiss me!'
0:20:02 > 0:20:05'Rupert, your teeth are growing!'
0:20:05 > 0:20:08'I can't fight it! It's who I am!'
0:20:09 > 0:20:12'Rupert! What are you doing?!'
0:20:12 > 0:20:16'Oh, my God! No! Noooooo!'
0:20:16 > 0:20:17SNARLING AND CHOMPING
0:20:30 > 0:20:33G'day, Veronica and Mike. Brian and Pam here.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Sorry we can't be there on your big day,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39but in case you'd forgotten, me and Pam are Australian.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42That's a 24-hour flight you're talking about there.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Not to mention the price of the flaming plane tickets.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Tell them, Pam. - Well, they're not cheap.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49And then there's the time difference.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Did you think about that?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Did you think about me and Pam having major jetlag?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Tell them, Pam.- No, you didn't.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Not to mention work.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01You got any idea how hard it is for Pam to find cover at the shop?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Tell them about Sheila being off sick, love.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Well, Sheila's off sick again. - Told you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Something to do with her thyroid apparently.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Yeah, don't go on about it, love.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And then there's all the other expenses.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15The overpriced hotels, the booze, the taxis.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I don't know who you think we are.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Tell them who they think we are, Pam.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well, we think you think we might be Brad Pitt.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Now, I'm not an unreasonable man, am I, Pam?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28What?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31But I don't think you thought this through properly,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34because if you had, you wouldn't be asking me and Pam here to remortgage
0:21:34 > 0:21:37our flaming house just so as we can fly half way round the flaming
0:21:37 > 0:21:41world to watch you two flaming galahs getting flaming hitched.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Anyway.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Congratulations and have an amazing day.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Bottoms up! - Ah, what a couple, eh, Pam?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, they're the best, Bri.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56If you'd like to step this way, Mr Secretary General.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58This is Ms Speedy.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00She'll be your chief bodyguard during your visit
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- and will be giving you a quick security debrief.- Thank you.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed. Over.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- It's a pleasure to meet you, Ms... - Shh.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12We have company.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Room service.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31You were saying?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35I'm impressed. You're very thorough, Ms Speedy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Just doing my job, Your Excellency.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42How did you know?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I'm afraid that's classified. Shall we begin the debrief?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47By all means.
0:22:47 > 0:22:53For the next three days, wherever you go, I go. Any questions?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54No, I don't think so.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Press this and they'll have you in an armoured vehicle en route to the airport
0:23:01 > 0:23:03quicker than you can say, "Help me, I don't want to die".
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- I understand. - Which leads me to my final point.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Don't fall in love with me.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12I'm sorry?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Don't fall in love with me. - Don't fall in love with you?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18If you fall in love with me and we're out in the field
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and the shit hits the fan, you might try and protect me.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I'll be telling you to run and you won't be listening cos you'll be so in love with me.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25And there'll be a terrorist
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and he'll see that you're in love with me, and then to get to you,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31he'll shoot me in the leg and then there'll be blood everywhere,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and I'll be shouting to you to get the hell out of there,
0:23:33 > 0:23:38but you'll be too busy turning your jacket it into a tourniquet cos you're so in love with me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And I'll be slipping in and out of consciousness, and you'll cradle me in your arms shouting,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"Nooo!" cos you're in love with me, and there's nothing worse
0:23:44 > 0:23:47than watching someone suffer when you're in love with them.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50And you'll resign from the UN, buy a gun and spend the rest
0:23:50 > 0:23:53of your days tracking down the guy who shot the woman you were in love
0:23:53 > 0:23:56with, with only one thought running through your despair-ravaged mind.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Revenge.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01If that is all, I have a meeting with the Prime Minister.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03At 1500 hours. Yes, Your Excellency.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06The eagle is on the move. Over.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10And don't worry, I can assure you I won't be falling in love with you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Then why have you just opened the door for me?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Guys, I'm taken myself off detail.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He's fallen in love with me, big time.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Right, come on, you lot.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Laundry's not going to do itself.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Quick as you can.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Oh, no.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Oh, no.- There she is.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Off we go.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oi, trouble!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Where you going to in such a hurry, eh?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, don't tell me. Going to the theatre, are you?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Going West End, are you?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'm going West End, you going West End?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Oh, no, off she goes! Eh, Pat?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Pat?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Pat Taylor, stop right there!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01What are you lot staring at? Eyes front.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Pat. Look at me, Pat.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11What's going on? You ignoring me or something?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Is it something I've said?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17You do know I wasn't being sarcastic when I said your hair looked nice?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- It's not cos I didn't put you in goal, is it?- Nah.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Well then what is it, Pat? You can tell me.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27They think I'm a snitch.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- You what?- They think I'm a snitch so I can't talk to you no more.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Who thinks you're a snitch, Pat?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- We do!- Eyes front!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Right.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43There's only one thing for it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Punch me in the face, Pat.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- What?- You heard. Punch me in the face.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- I can't punch you in the face. - I can take it. I'm a big girl.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59# Snitch and the officer sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s... #
0:25:59 > 0:26:01In your face!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Nice one, Pat!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Right. You lot, show's over.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Laundry duty, now!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Blimey. She's stronger than she looks, that one.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Oh, dear!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I would like to sing a song for you now that is very close
0:26:29 > 0:26:32to my heart. Perhaps you know it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It's called El Tigre de Pasion.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:40MUSIC BEGINS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Actually, I can see one or two of you don't know it.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00So for you, I will explain. It is from a saying in my country,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04'Escondida el catalpa por de nada, de nada, de nada'.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Enjoy.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Actually, now I say it out loud, it doesn't really make any sense,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20but it means this, if you give your love to another,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24you can never take it back, even if the person you give it to...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26(does not want it.)
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Basically, it is the story of me and Raul, the great love of my life,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42at least he was until he left me for that waitress in Vegas.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46But in the end the joke was on him, because she died.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Not that I'm saying I'm happy she died, although she did deserve it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54This song is for broken-hearted people everywhere.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01If you're asking if me and Raul still have chemistry, then sure,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04sure we do. Will it ever work? I don't think so,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08because I am the dove and he is the bastard mountain cat that I adore.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Really there is only one thing left to say...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:39 > 0:28:43For more material just press the red button,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45and what I mean by that is this...