:01:18. > :01:23.Oh, guys, this has been such fun, I know, and I've had such
:01:23. > :01:27.and the burlesque lessons, the go-carting and the massages
:01:27. > :01:30.and the kayaking and... Oh, the massive penis cake
:01:30. > :01:32.with Ryan's face on it.
:01:32. > :01:34.It's just that Ryan's parents are arriving early, crack of dawn,
:01:34. > :01:36.so, you know, I should go.
:01:36. > :01:39.You'll miss Long Dong Silver. What?
:01:39. > :01:43.WOMEN WHOOP
:01:43. > :01:45.Lucy, I said I didn't want a stripper!
:01:45. > :01:47.Stripper! Stripper!
:01:47. > :01:49.See? Your mum wants a stripper.
:01:49. > :01:52.Listen. I'm sorry, Lucy, but I've got to go, OK?
:01:52. > :01:54.Don't. Ow!
:01:54. > :01:57.You listen to me. I'm the maid of fricking honour
:01:57. > :02:00.and I've spent six months organising this bastard thing,
:02:00. > :02:03.so nobody leaves until I say so.
:02:03. > :02:08.So sit down, shut up and put on these furry handcuffs.
:02:08. > :02:10.SLEAZY ROCK MUSIC
:02:10. > :02:11.SLEAZY ROCK MUSIC
:02:11. > :02:21.WOMEN CHEER AND WHOOP
:02:21. > :02:38.
:02:38. > :02:41.RADIO DJ: Coming up, the weather, right after this classic.
:02:41. > :02:43.MUSIC: "Barcelona" by Freddie Mercury
:02:43. > :02:48.# Ooh, el me habo de ti
:02:48. > :02:51.# The bells are ringing out
:02:51. > :02:54.OPERATIC VOCALISATION
:02:54. > :02:59.# They're calling us together Guiding us forever
:02:59. > :03:09.# Wish my dream would never go away
:03:09. > :03:11.# Barcelona
:03:11. > :03:14.# It was the first time that we met
:03:14. > :03:16.# Barcelona
:03:16. > :03:19.# How can I forget?
:03:19. > :03:27.# The moment that you stepped into the room you took my breath away
:03:27. > :03:31.# Barcelona
:03:31. > :03:33.# Such a beautiful horizon
:03:33. > :03:34.# Barcelona
:03:35. > :03:37.# Like a jewel in the sun... #
:03:37. > :03:39.OPERATIC VOCALISATION
:03:40. > :03:43.Oh, no!
:03:43. > :03:52.I'll call you later.
:03:52. > :03:55.So! What do you think?
:03:55. > :03:57.Erm... What? He's boring?
:03:57. > :03:59.Mmmm... He's out of my league?
:03:59. > :04:03.Um... He's too keen? Er... Bit slimy?
:04:03. > :04:05.Erm... Too quiet?Mmmm...
:04:05. > :04:08.Too loud? Too lairy?
:04:08. > :04:12.Erm... Too intense? Um... Bit slippery?
:04:12. > :04:15.Er... He's going to cheat on me?
:04:15. > :04:17.Mm... He's already cheated on me?
:04:17. > :04:18.Mmmm...
:04:18. > :04:21.Bit nerdy? Bit creepy? Bit thin on top?
:04:21. > :04:23.Erm...
:04:23. > :04:25.Bit "I'll put my hand on the small of your back
:04:25. > :04:28."just so everyone knows I'm going out with you"? Mmm...
:04:28. > :04:31.A bit "I've paid you a compliment so now I'll insult you"? Mmm.
:04:31. > :04:33.Bit "Can I borrow your mascara"? Mmm...
:04:33. > :04:35.Too "I can't have a lie in, I'm cycling to Brighton"?
:04:35. > :04:38.A bit "I do the accent when I'm ordering in French restaurants"?
:04:38. > :04:41.A bit "I'm so vulnerable, hold me, hold me. Oh, great,
:04:41. > :04:44."now we've had sex. Turns out I'm not so vulnerable"?
:04:44. > :04:46.Mmm... Bit of a vegan?
:04:46. > :04:48.Bit "I wear a hat, that's my thing"?
:04:48. > :04:51.Bit "My beard is so thin I look like a magician"?
:04:51. > :04:53."I wear more moisturiser than you and all my ex-girlfriends
:04:53. > :04:55."are models and I live in the flat above my mother?"
:04:55. > :05:01.Oh, my God. I'm going to have to change the locks and my Facebook status! I can't see him again!
:05:01. > :05:07.I thought he was all right.
:05:07. > :05:10.ITALIAN ACCENT: Oh!
:05:10. > :05:12.ITALIAN ACCENT: Eh!
:05:12. > :05:15.Oh!
:05:15. > :05:17.Eh!
:05:17. > :05:19.Ciao bella!
:05:19. > :05:21.Eh, belissima!
:05:21. > :05:24.Vieni qui sexy!
:05:24. > :05:29.Sexy baby!
:05:29. > :05:34.BOTH: OHHHHHHHHH!
:05:34. > :05:37.Lesbiana. Ah.
:05:37. > :05:41.you to know that I really love you
:05:41. > :05:45.and I would have been so proud to be Mrs Ryan.
:05:45. > :05:47.Oh! Oh, thank God! Please! Help me!
:05:47. > :05:49.I've been kidnapped by my own hen do!
:05:49. > :05:50.They won't let me leave!
:05:50. > :05:53.I'm afraid I can't help you, love. I'm on a stag. Wahey!
:05:53. > :06:03.MEN CHEER
:06:03. > :06:08.
:06:08. > :06:11.Oi, L-plates.
:06:11. > :06:13.We thought we'd lost you.
:06:13. > :06:18.I just went to get some fresh air. What's going on? Karaoke.
:06:18. > :06:20.WOMEN WHOOP
:06:20. > :06:23.I've hired us a private booth. We've got it for a full five hours
:06:23. > :06:26.so we can sing all the songs to Mamma Mia just like we used to
:06:26. > :06:29.in the good old days, before you met Ryan. Wow(!)
:06:29. > :06:32.Get in the limo. What limo?
:06:32. > :06:33.THUMPING DANCE MUSIC
:06:34. > :06:37.Oh, God...
:06:37. > :06:40.MEN CHEER
:06:41. > :06:46.Mum?! In the limo, Janet.
:06:46. > :06:49.So, as a special treat,
:06:49. > :06:52.your lovely Auntie Sarah's going to- read you your bedtime story.
:06:52. > :06:53.I'm so excited.
:06:53. > :06:56.And she'll do it really well because she's an actress
:06:56. > :06:59.who's been on the stage and the radio, and the television.
:06:59. > :07:01.Once. Thanks, Alice.
:07:01. > :07:03.Right, story time.
:07:03. > :07:07.Tales From The Big Wide Wood. Mm!
:07:08. > :07:10.It was a warm day in the big wide wood
:07:10. > :07:12.and Robbie the Rat was going for a walk.
:07:12. > :07:15.But he suddenly realised he was hungry.
:07:15. > :07:18.So he said to himself, "I want my dinner."
:07:18. > :07:20.MOTHER CLEARS THROAT
:07:20. > :07:22.Problem? No, no. It's just, well,
:07:23. > :07:26.we tend to play Robbie as a sort of cheeky chappie cockney.
:07:26. > :07:28.I can work with that. I'm a pro.
:07:28. > :07:31.So Robbie the Rat said to himself
:07:31. > :07:33.COCKNEY ACCENT: "I want me dinner."
:07:33. > :07:35.COCKNEY ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie? You want your dinner?"
:07:35. > :07:37.said Cedric the Squirrel. Oh.What?
:07:38. > :07:41.It's OK, it's just you did Cedric the same as Robbie. It's OK.
:07:41. > :07:45.I tend to Cedric as Northern. You know...
:07:45. > :07:47.YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie! You want your dinner?"
:07:47. > :07:51.OK, forget it. Nathan, I'm sorry, I think Mummy should read your
:07:51. > :07:53.bedtime story tonight. No, no, no!
:07:53. > :07:56.I just want it to be what Nathan's used to, that's all.
:07:56. > :07:59.So just finish the story. It's fine.
:07:59. > :08:03.Although, erm... I will say that Robbie is cockney,
:08:03. > :08:05.Cedric the Squirrel is Northern,
:08:05. > :08:07.Danny the Dog is from... New Zealand?
:08:07. > :08:10.Mildred the Mouse is Brummie
:08:10. > :08:13.and Ralph the Rabbit is from Northern Ireland.
:08:13. > :08:16.Near Portadown.
:08:16. > :08:19.Three villages to the east.
:08:19. > :08:21.YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie!
:08:21. > :08:23."You want your dinner? I've got some nuts."
:08:23. > :08:27.COCKNEY ACCENT: "Thank you, Cedric. Maybe I will," said Robbie.
:08:27. > :08:30.NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Danny the Dog.
:08:30. > :08:33."You want your dinner? I've got some biscuits."
:08:33. > :08:38.Was that Australian? Biscuits? 'Buscuts'.
:08:38. > :08:42.COCKNEY ACCENT: Thank you, Danny. Maybe I will." said Robbie.
:08:42. > :08:44.MIDLANDS ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Mildred the Mouse.
:08:44. > :08:47."You want your dinner? I've got some berries."
:08:47. > :08:51.Maybe I will," said Robbie.
:08:52. > :08:54.NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Hey, Robbie," said Ralph the Rabbit.
:08:54. > :08:59."You want your dinner? I've got some carrots."
:08:59. > :09:03.COCKNEY ACCENT: "Thank you, Ralph. Maybe I will." said Robbie.
:09:03. > :09:06.Robbie couldn't decide what to have and he was about to go home.
:09:06. > :09:14.So all his friends offered their favourite food one last time.
:09:14. > :09:17.YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "My acorns are very nice," said Cedric.
:09:17. > :09:20.NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: "My biscuits are delicious," said Danny.
:09:20. > :09:23.MIDLANDS ACCENT: "My berries are very juicy," said Mildred.
:09:23. > :09:26.NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT "My carrots are crunchy," said Ralph.
:09:27. > :09:31.And so they all went to Robbie's house for tea. Yes! Nailed it!
:09:31. > :09:39.Can I have another story?
:09:39. > :09:47.The Adventures Of Billy Badger, And His 100 International Friends.
:09:47. > :09:52.PRISON DOOR CLOSES
:09:52. > :09:57.Here we go.
:09:57. > :09:59.Oh, no!
:09:59. > :10:01.Oh, no!
:10:01. > :10:04.There she is. 'Ere it comes.
:10:04. > :10:06.Rather you than me. Someone's off.
:10:06. > :10:08.Hark at her. If you catch my drift.
:10:08. > :10:10.Don't you start. I'll bet you do.
:10:10. > :10:12.THEY LAUGH
:10:12. > :10:14.BOTH: Oh, dear.
:10:14. > :10:15.So, what you up to today then, Pat?
:10:15. > :10:17.Got any plans, have ya?
:10:17. > :10:18.I'm joining the circus, ain't I?
:10:18. > :10:20.Oh, 'ere she goes. Joining the circus, are ya?
:10:20. > :10:22.I'm joining the circus. You joining the circus?
:10:22. > :10:24.Don't mind if I do. Easy for you to say.
:10:24. > :10:27.Oh, she's off again. There she is. 'Ere it comes.
:10:27. > :10:30.Off she goes.
:10:30. > :10:32.THEY SIGH
:10:33. > :10:35.No seriously, Pat, it's your big day today, innit?
:10:36. > :10:37.That's right.
:10:37. > :10:40.I'm going home, ain't I?
:10:40. > :10:44.Yeah, I know.
:10:44. > :10:47.Can't believe it's been six long years,
:10:47. > :10:48.feels like six months, don't it?
:10:48. > :10:50.Six weeks more like. Try six days.
:10:50. > :10:54.Or six minutes. Six seconds.
:10:54. > :10:56.What's smaller than a second?
:10:56. > :10:59.Listen, I, er... I got you a little present.
:10:59. > :11:03.It's nothing much, just, er, a book on Tuscany.
:11:03. > :11:06.Oh, grazie mille.
:11:06. > :11:08.Prego, Pat.
:11:08. > :11:13.I know you've always wanted to go so...maybe now you can.
:11:13. > :11:21.Well, I've always fancied going Tuscany myself.
:11:22. > :11:24.Yeah, well, I've got Mr Twinkles at home
:11:24. > :11:27.so makes travelling a bit difficult.
:11:27. > :11:29.Y'know, likes his routine.
:11:29. > :11:33.He's a fussy eater as well so...
:11:33. > :11:36.Jean? Oh, all right, Bill? Didn't see you there.
:11:36. > :11:42.Right, Pat. Time to go.
:11:42. > :11:48.Out you come then. Out I come then.
:11:48. > :11:56.Well, I guess this is it. Looks like it.
:11:56. > :11:57.Ow! Ow!
:11:57. > :11:59.Right, well, I'll see ya later then.
:11:59. > :12:01.Yeah, see ya later.
:12:01. > :12:09.MUSIC: "Goodbye" by Spice Girls
:12:09. > :12:12.Oh, Pat! I forgot my suitcase.
:12:12. > :12:16.Oh, yeah, course.
:12:16. > :12:19.Arrivederci, Pat.
:12:19. > :12:22.DOOR CLOSES Arrivederci.
:12:22. > :12:25.# Listen little child
:12:25. > :12:29.# There will come a day
:12:29. > :12:32.# When you will be able... #
:12:32. > :12:34.Sshh.
:12:34. > :12:35.I won't tell if you won't.
:12:35. > :12:41.Cheers.
:12:41. > :12:48.I'll just pop this in your box for later. Wink wink.
:12:48. > :12:50."So...
:12:51. > :12:54."What's with the champagne, Sarah?"- I hear you ask.
:12:54. > :12:56."Bit much for a Tuesday, isn't it?"
:12:56. > :12:57.Well, not when you've just found out
:12:57. > :13:00.you're being transferred to the New York office it isn't, Adrian.
:13:00. > :13:04.Which is exactly what's just happened to me, by the way.
:13:04. > :13:07.Yeah.
:13:07. > :13:10.No, it's going to be so great for my career, you know?
:13:10. > :13:13.The money, the experience, I'd be crazy to turn it down.
:13:13. > :13:16.Not that anyone's asked me to...
:13:16. > :13:18.yet.
:13:18. > :13:22.This is my home, Adrian, you know?
:13:22. > :13:27.I've got great friends, family, a great flat,
:13:27. > :13:31.as you know cos you've been there, in my bed...blah, blah, blah.
:13:31. > :13:34.It's going to be really hard to say goodbye, you know?
:13:35. > :13:37.Yeah, shame I can't take everyone with me really.
:13:37. > :13:40.Do you fancy coming to New York with me actually?
:13:40. > :13:43.That would be weird, wouldn't it? Or would it?
:13:43. > :13:46.You and me in the Big Apple,
:13:46. > :13:49.creating memories together.
:13:49. > :13:51.But what about your work, Adrian?
:13:51. > :13:55.Your whole life's here. You can't just give everything up.
:13:55. > :13:58.This is crazy. It would never work!
:13:58. > :14:01.Or would it? I mean, I'm prepared to give it a shot if you are.
:14:01. > :14:04.Listen, Adrian, I know how much you- want this but I can't let you do it.
:14:04. > :14:06.Sssh.
:14:06. > :14:10.Don't make it harder than it already is.
:14:10. > :14:13.Goodbye, Adrian.
:14:13. > :14:23.Chin strap.
:14:23. > :14:27.
:14:27. > :14:28.Adrian!
:14:28. > :14:38.Oh, my God, people are watching!
:14:38. > :14:40.
:14:40. > :14:48.MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
:14:48. > :14:49.Well, well, well,
:14:49. > :14:53.looks like our little hen's trying to fly the coop.
:14:53. > :14:55.You're insane.
:14:55. > :14:57.Maybe I am.
:14:57. > :14:59.But I'm not letting you leave until I've shown you
:14:59. > :15:02.what an amazing and thoughtful friend I am.
:15:02. > :15:07.No! This stops now.
:15:07. > :15:09.How long have we all been here?
:15:09. > :15:11.Haven't you got homes to go back to?
:15:11. > :15:13.She's right.
:15:13. > :15:15.Who are you?
:15:15. > :15:16.Becky Turner.
:15:16. > :15:20.See? These aren't even my real friends.
:15:20. > :15:23.I haven't seen half these people since secondary school.
:15:23. > :15:27.Nobody leaves until I say so.
:15:27. > :15:34.Well, I guess I'll have to fight my way out.
:15:34. > :15:44.ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
:15:44. > :15:46.
:15:46. > :15:56.THEY SCREAM
:15:56. > :16:02.
:16:02. > :16:11.HISSING
:16:11. > :16:18.THEY SCREAM
:16:18. > :16:27.METAL CLICKS
:16:27. > :16:34.Come on, everyone. Let's get out of here!
:16:34. > :16:41.Mum!
:16:41. > :16:43.You're kidding me!
:16:43. > :16:45.Lorna!? I want a biscuit.
:16:45. > :16:47.Do you?
:16:47. > :16:49.Yes!
:16:49. > :16:50.That's what you really want?
:16:50. > :16:51.Yes, where are they?!
:16:51. > :16:54.Ingrid...
:16:54. > :16:57.Come here.
:16:57. > :16:58.Are you going to give me a biscuit?
:16:58. > :17:01.I've got something better than biscuits.
:17:01. > :17:05.Oh, no, this is going to be a metaphorical thing, isn't it?
:17:05. > :17:06.I have truth.
:17:06. > :17:08.There it is.
:17:08. > :17:10.I have truth about you and your life.
:17:10. > :17:12.I'd rather have a biscuit.
:17:12. > :17:14.What's the problem?
:17:14. > :17:16.The problem is that I want a biscuit.
:17:16. > :17:18.And yet you don't. What could I say to you
:17:18. > :17:23.that would genuinely convince you that I genuinely wanted a biscuit?
:17:23. > :17:25.You could tell me
:17:25. > :17:28.that you've never really connected with your father.
:17:28. > :17:31.I've never really connected with my father. Now give me a biscuit.
:17:31. > :17:32.I knew it! Give me a biscuit.
:17:32. > :17:35.Or have you, as I am now suspecting,
:17:35. > :17:38.eaten all the biscuits?
:17:38. > :17:43.Call him.
:17:43. > :17:44.Hello, Dad.
:17:44. > :17:48.Oh, hi. Yeah, good thank you.
:17:48. > :17:51.Listen, Dad, I've got something I'd like to ask you. Could you do me a favour?
:17:51. > :17:53.Could you bring round some biscuits?
:17:53. > :17:56.Yeah, Lorna's eaten them all.
:17:56. > :17:59.Yeah, she's pretending she hasn't by coming up with this psychobabble,
:17:59. > :18:02.which is why I'm calling you, but erm...
:18:02. > :18:03.Yeah!
:18:03. > :18:06.Yeah, she is isn't she?
:18:06. > :18:07.Yeah!
:18:07. > :18:11.All right then, Dad, well, thanks very much. Love you. Bye.
:18:11. > :18:12.You have eaten them all, haven't you?
:18:13. > :18:16.Yes. The whole pack.
:18:16. > :18:18.I wasn't even hungry.
:18:18. > :18:20.Really?
:18:20. > :18:24.I hate myself.
:18:24. > :18:26.Why doesn't my mum ever call?
:18:26. > :18:29.Oh, come here you, hug it out. Yeah.
:18:29. > :18:38.Here you are, darling. Oh, thanks, Dad.
:18:38. > :18:40.What am I going to do?
:18:40. > :18:42.Have another biscuit.
:18:42. > :18:45.Ooh, lovely.
:18:45. > :18:47.Your dad brought these round very fast.
:18:47. > :18:51.This isn't real. He was an actor.
:18:51. > :18:53.Oh, yeah.
:18:53. > :19:03.Thought he was younger than you.
:19:03. > :19:04.
:19:04. > :19:06.GERMAN ACCENT: Hey!
:19:06. > :19:08.Hi!
:19:08. > :19:11.Hey!
:19:11. > :19:13.Hi!
:19:13. > :19:16.Hey!
:19:16. > :19:19.Hi, Fraulein!
:19:19. > :19:22.Hey, sexy!
:19:22. > :19:24.Hi, sexy baby!
:19:24. > :19:29.Komm sofort hierher, ich will Geschlechtsverkehr mit dir haben!
:19:29. > :19:34.BOTH: Oooohhhhhhhh!!
:19:34. > :19:44.Lesbisch. Mm.
:19:44. > :19:47.
:19:47. > :19:51.Hello, and welcome to Realistic Festive Cooking. I'm Shirley.
:19:51. > :19:53.And I'm ever so slightly drunk, actually.
:19:53. > :19:59.Now, today we'll be talking you through how to make the perfect Christmas dinner.
:19:59. > :20:01.Not really!
:20:01. > :20:04.Just how to get through it all without killing someone.
:20:04. > :20:06.Now Christmas Day is all about preparation.
:20:06. > :20:10.More specifically, while you're cooking you'll have a constant stream of elderly relatives
:20:10. > :20:12.coming up to you telling you you're doing it all wrong.
:20:12. > :20:18.Now, I've prepared for this by lining up four bottles of sherry.
:20:18. > :20:20.Don't forget that as it's Christmas Day you are allowed
:20:20. > :20:23.to start drinking as early as you like.
:20:23. > :20:26.Super, so while you open those I'm going to tend to my turkey.
:20:26. > :20:29.Now the aim here is to keep the moisture in,
:20:29. > :20:31.so we'll need a bit of tin foil for that.
:20:31. > :20:35.And as you can see, my five-year-old has used all my tin foil making a robot.
:20:35. > :20:38.So, what I've done is, I've gone to the fridge and I found this,
:20:38. > :20:42.dirty bit of foil which was covering a half-eaten steak and kidney pie
:20:42. > :20:44.so I'm just going to pop that on there.
:20:44. > :20:47.As you can see, it's far too small to cover it properly
:20:47. > :20:50.so it'll no doubt come out drier than the Sahara desert. Jenny?!
:20:50. > :20:51.Mmm,
:20:51. > :20:55.quick tip if you are worried about dry turkey,
:20:55. > :20:58.my advice would just be to get over yourself really.
:20:58. > :21:00.So we'll just put that into the oven
:21:00. > :21:02.and until it's nice and brown on the outside
:21:02. > :21:06.but still frozen in the middle, a sort of turkey Alaska, if you will.
:21:06. > :21:09.Let's face it, Jenny, it's all about aiming low, isn't it?
:21:09. > :21:13.Very much so, Shirley, which leads us onto the pud.
:21:13. > :21:17.Now, as you can see I've made a Christmas pudding and I...
:21:17. > :21:19.Sorry, Jen, think you accidentally said "made" there.
:21:19. > :21:22.Did I? Oh, so sorry.
:21:22. > :21:25.I really am off my face!
:21:25. > :21:27.So, as you can see I've bought a Christmas pudding.
:21:27. > :21:29.And they come in all shapes and sizes
:21:29. > :21:31.and obviously you get what you pay for,
:21:32. > :21:34.so my family are getting a very average pudding.
:21:34. > :21:35.But what I will do
:21:35. > :21:38.is cover it in so much booze that they won't notice.
:21:38. > :21:42.And are you going to present that pudding on some kind of decorative plate, Jenny?
:21:42. > :21:44.In an ideal world, Shirley, yes,
:21:44. > :21:47.but I've actually used up all of the available receptacles in the kitchen
:21:47. > :21:49.and I can't be bothered to wash anything up,
:21:49. > :21:53.so what I'm going to do, is I'm going to take this Frisbee here,
:21:53. > :21:55.which I found wrapped up under the tree.
:21:55. > :21:57.I'm just going to pop the pudding on that instead.
:21:57. > :22:01.As you can see I'm now doing some dousing, Shirley.
:22:01. > :22:03.Now ideally this would be covered in brandy
:22:04. > :22:11.but, erm, sadly I drank all of that last night after an argument with my husband,
:22:11. > :22:13.No, I don't think so but this is my husband's favourite beer.
:22:13. > :22:15.So in a way, I win. Super.
:22:15. > :22:17.How about a sherry?
:22:17. > :22:25.Don't mind if I do.
:22:25. > :22:28.ETA three minutes. That's three minutes. Over.
:22:28. > :22:31.So my PA tells me you recently worked with a good friend of mine.
:22:31. > :22:32.Al Pacino?
:22:32. > :22:36.I'm afraid that's classified.
:22:36. > :22:37.But he's alive, isn't he?
:22:37. > :22:39.Welcome to the Baftas.
:22:39. > :22:40.Thank you.
:22:40. > :22:42.OK, so here's how it's going to work.
:22:42. > :22:45.I'll be two paces behind you at all times.
:22:45. > :22:47.I'll be your eyes, I'll be your ears.
:22:47. > :22:50.Just do what you've got to do and let me handle the rest. OK.
:22:50. > :22:53.or take a photo for you, forget it.
:22:53. > :22:55.I'm here for one reason only and that's to keep you safe.
:22:55. > :22:59.Comprendez? I understand.
:22:59. > :23:02.I've got agents positioned in the audience and on the roof.
:23:02. > :23:05.Press this panic button and they'll have you back in the car
:23:05. > :23:08.quicker than you can say, "It's not my time to die."
:23:08. > :23:11.Clive! Hey, it's good to see ya.
:23:11. > :23:12.Oh, my God!
:23:12. > :23:14.Keep moving.
:23:14. > :23:17.That's Roger White! He's hosting the show!
:23:17. > :23:19.Not any more he isn't.
:23:19. > :23:21.Which brings me to my last point.
:23:22. > :23:24.Don't fall in love with me.
:23:24. > :23:25.I'm sorry, what?
:23:25. > :23:27.I can't keep you safe if you fall in love with me.
:23:27. > :23:29.Do you understand?
:23:29. > :23:34.What on earth are you talking about?!
:23:34. > :23:37.Look, you might not want to fall in love with me,
:23:37. > :23:40.but you could fall in love with me, and if you do fall in love with me
:23:40. > :23:42.then I won't be able to protect you when the shit hits the fan.
:23:43. > :23:45.Cos there'll be this crazed fan in the audience,
:23:45. > :23:46.and she'll be walking towards you,
:23:46. > :23:49.and she'll have this camera and she'll be shouting your name,
:23:49. > :23:52.and I'll know she's trouble cos I will have already spotted
:23:52. > :23:55.the tattoo of your face on her face which is always a worry.
:23:55. > :23:57.Anyway, she'll start taking photos of you
:23:57. > :24:00.but you won't be listening
:24:00. > :24:02.because you'll be too busy trying to get me in the photos with you
:24:03. > :24:04.cos you're so in love with me.
:24:04. > :24:06.Then she'll see that you're in love with me
:24:06. > :24:07.and then she'll rip open her shirt
:24:07. > :24:10.strapped to her chest
:24:10. > :24:13.her to take the brunt of the blast
:24:13. > :24:15.you'll then jump on top of me,
:24:15. > :24:17.and then before she detonates,
:24:17. > :24:19.you'll tell me you can't think of a better way to go
:24:19. > :24:22.than physically on top of me, cos that's how in love with me you are.
:24:22. > :24:23.And then she'll pull the trigger,
:24:23. > :24:26.all over the red carpet
:24:26. > :24:29.and you'll never find out if you won the Bafta for best actor in a leading role.
:24:29. > :24:31.More champagne, sir?
:24:31. > :24:39.No, thank you.
:24:39. > :24:41.By the way, my mum said to tell you
:24:41. > :24:46.you were really great in that film about the tortoise and the... thing with the...
:24:46. > :24:49.Are we done? Affirmative.
:24:49. > :24:51.All agents on stand-by. Over.
:24:52. > :24:56.Oh, don't worry, I definitely won't be falling in love with you,
:24:56. > :24:58.I'm gay.
:24:58. > :25:01.So was George Michael.
:25:01. > :25:04.guys, it's happened again.
:25:04. > :25:11.And I'm not even wearing deodorant.
:25:11. > :25:13.Rrrglh!
:25:13. > :25:15.Niknik!
:25:15. > :25:19.Rrrglh!
:25:19. > :25:20.Niknik!
:25:20. > :25:24.Rrrglh!
:25:24. > :25:26.Niknik!
:25:26. > :25:30.Ooooohhhhh!
:25:30. > :25:36.Venus muncher.
:25:36. > :25:39.Oi, Pat!
:25:39. > :25:41.Oh, oh sorry.
:25:41. > :25:44.MUSIC: "You Raise Me Up" by Westlife
:25:44. > :25:49.Yeah, well, so anyway I said...
:25:49. > :25:52.# When troubles come
:25:52. > :25:58.# And my heart burdened be
:25:58. > :26:05.# Then I am still And wait here in the silence... #
:26:05. > :26:06.'Oh, there she is!'
:26:06. > :26:15.# Until you come and sit awhile with me
:26:15. > :26:23.# You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
:26:23. > :26:29.# You raise me up to walk on stormy seas... #
:26:29. > :26:32.Oh, no!
:26:32. > :26:33.Oh, no.
:26:33. > :26:35.Morning, stranger!
:26:35. > :26:37.Don't you start. What you doing back in 'ere then?
:26:37. > :26:40.I robbed a bank. didn't I?
:26:40. > :26:42.Oh. 'ere we go. Robbed a bank, did ya?
:26:42. > :26:44.'Ere it comes.
:26:44. > :26:45.Barclays. On the high street.
:26:45. > :26:47.Oh, right, yeah, I know it.
:26:47. > :26:52.Then went to the nearest police station and turned herself in.
:26:52. > :26:55.What am I like, eh?
:26:55. > :26:57.Trouble, that's what you're like.
:26:57. > :26:59.Oh, off he goes.
:26:59. > :27:03.There he is, 'ere it comes.
:27:03. > :27:08.Right, well, Bill, I'll take it from 'ere. Thanks very much.
:27:08. > :27:11.Right then, you.
:27:11. > :27:13.Let's pop you back in your cell, shall we?
:27:13. > :27:19.Yeah, pop me back in my cell then.
:27:19. > :27:29.What happened at the bank then, Pat?
:27:29. > :28:00.
:28:00. > :28:02.Well, that's the end of the show, but if you'd like to see more...
:28:02. > :28:05.that likes pressing red buttons.
:28:05. > :28:07...then press the red button.