0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27My dog's shat herself right in my bed!
0:00:27 > 0:00:28There's something wrong with her!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- Are you open? - We're open 24 hours a day.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33We were just cuddled up watching telly, when all of a sudden - bam!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35She's covered in shite. I'm covered in shite.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38All the cushions are covered in shite.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40It even hit the TV!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Please, help me! - Sorry, I'm just the receptionist.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44But if you fill out this form,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- the vet will be with you any minute. - Please!
0:00:48 > 0:00:49OK. Let me take a look.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50< I've got it, Scott.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Not your job to touch the animals.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Clear that up.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Ah! There he is!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Long night at the animal clinic, eh?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Yeah, very. I'm going to hit the sack.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Listen, come in here a minute. I've got something to show you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, no, I can barely keep my eyes open.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Come on, you're going to love it.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I just want to sleep!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Look at these.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37George Best's football boots.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40He wore them when he played for Manchester United
0:01:40 > 0:01:43in the European Cup Final in 1968.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46You can still smell the grass on 'em. Here, have a smell.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- No, really...- Smell!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50HE SNIFFS There's George!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Worth a bloody mint, these.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And I want you to have them.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Me? No, I can't take these.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It's not a gift, son.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00They'd be a payment.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Payment? For what?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I want you to kill me.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Cup of tea?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13MUSIC: "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Right, kids, are you ready to have some fun?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And, bounce those legs! Come on, let's roll up now.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23And left arm, 1-2. And right arm, 3-4.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27And left leg, 5-6. And right leg, 7-8.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And again, double time. Let's have it!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And, all together now. Come on!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And all together, yes! Let's just do some freestyle.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Freestyle. Who knows what freestyle means?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Tea and biscuits in a minute.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Freestyle, come on. Both, and right. And both.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45So what do you think, Joey? Are they getting into it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, yeah, yeah, deffo. They're moving way better.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I mean a couple of 'em even touched their toes today.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53'Course, they fell smack over on their faces, but, you know...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56THEY GIGGLE We don't make those kind of jokes here.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58We respect the dignity of our third-agers.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, you should've told that to Mr Connolly
0:03:00 > 0:03:04when he started dry humping Mrs Wallace during squats.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Not much dignity there. See you Friday.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08See YOU Thursday.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Oh, fuck!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's not a very cheery welcome.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- You said I had a month. - Two weeks ago.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Well, yes, so I've still got 12...a fortnight!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- He's scaring me. - Relax, my friend.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- We are not here to kill you. - Oh, good.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- I'm just going to break your finger. - My fin...wait! No!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Last time we lent you money, it took too long to pay back.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38We just can't take that risk again.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Now, come, give me your hand. - OK, OK, hang on!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Why don't we just pretend it's broken.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I'll put a cast on it. I'll never use it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I'm a great actor. I did Peter Pan at junior school.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And then what am I supposed to do?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Lie to the people who pay me?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You don't expect a man like me to lie?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I don't expect it, but I would quite like it.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Eh?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Yeah, I like that one!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00OK, OK, I will make you a deal.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, thank God! Or Allah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I mean, is it Allah with you two?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Cos I love the guy! - You may choose the finger.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- What?! No!- I will give you ten seconds, or I choose.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No, no, no, look, honest, I was Captain Hook!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- He was missing a whole hand! - Ten, nine, eight...
0:04:14 > 0:04:15No, no. I'm begging you!
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Seven, six, five...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I don't know which one! I like them all!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I would go with the pinky. Four, three...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Here! Here! Shit!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Good. Good. Now, relax. I'm going to break it on three, OK?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28One... BONE SNAPS HE SCREAMS
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- You said on three!- The element of surprise dulls the pain.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- You reckon?!- Good. Two weeks.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Now we know you won't forget.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36HE GIGGLES
0:04:36 > 0:04:38So long, Mr Captain Hook!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Lou Gehrig's disease?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That's what they call it in the States, yeah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Over here, they call it ALS -
0:04:51 > 0:04:52A Life of Shite.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Would you like a biscuit with that?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Look, Mr Brennan, I feel terrible
0:04:57 > 0:04:59about you having this Lou Gehrig's disease...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- It's Paddy.- Paddy Gehrig's disease.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04It's Lou Gehrig's disease. You call me Paddy.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- But I can't do this.- Why not?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08All you've got to do is get some...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10What is it they knock the dogs off with?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Pemrutox.- Stick it in my vein, press the plunger and Bob's your uncle!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You've got the boots, you're a rich man. Why couldn't you do that?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I think it's mostly because I was taught NOT to kill people.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I think that's it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Look at me, Scotty.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Every day, it gets harder to chew.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I keep dropping things.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Pretty soon, they're going to put a hole in me throat
0:05:28 > 0:05:29so that I can breathe.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Now, I don't want my lovely daughter
0:05:31 > 0:05:33having to look after a decrepit old man
0:05:33 > 0:05:36who can't wipe the shite out of his own arse.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I'll get you some beans on toast.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40People can beat the odds, you know?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Live long, productive lives.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Look at Stephen Hawking. He's doing brill.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He writes books, lectures, opened the Paralympics.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50He speaks into a box and pisses into a bag.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Well, sure. You can spin it either way.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Look, I lived my life the way I wanted to live it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I want to go the way I want to go.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I'll get you a packet of crisps.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03How did that American bloke,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Dr Kevorkian, kill people?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Shhh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Didn't he use some sort of machine to let his victims kill themselves?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12I don't know.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Though, if they killed themselves, were they really his victims at all?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Bloody hell, Scott! I'm trying to get off here
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and you're banging on about nut job killers!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Ah, but was he a nut job?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Or was he just, you know, doing the right thing?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Who gives a toss? I don't even know what you're going on about!
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Do you want to nip out for a curry?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I'm seeing someone else.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Or we could get one in. Where's that menu?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Wait, what?- I'm seeing someone else.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Chuck us my knickers.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41What do you mean, you're seeing someone else? Since when?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45A couple of weeks. There just hasn't been a good time to tell you.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47How about before we had sex? That would've been a VERY good time!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Scott, please, don't.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- This is really hard for me. - Oh, I'm sorry(!)
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Would you like me to help you relax by shagging you again?!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- No, I don't think that would work. - Where did you meet him?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59He's always in the restaurant at lunch.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You're dumping me for somebody who eats at Nando's?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It's all top quality there, you know!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I appreciate, as a proud employee,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07you're obligated to say that, but it's really not.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10That's because you order everything without sauce.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11It's the sauce that makes it!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I don't believe this! Who is he?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16He's an up-and-coming music producer, Scott.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Not some berk that dropped out of medical school
0:07:18 > 0:07:20and is now doing nothing with his life.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I didn't drop out of medical school. I couldn't afford it.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life
0:07:24 > 0:07:25paying back the government
0:07:25 > 0:07:27for something they should be giving me for free!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Oh, Christ, Scott! This isn't your Occupy London bullshit again, is it?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Because if it is, you can occupy your arse with it!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Lucie!- Goodbye.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38HE SHOUTS I'll try the sauce!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41HE GROANS IN PAIN
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Night!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47HE POUNDS ON DOOR
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Shit!- Have you got a bag of peas?
0:07:52 > 0:07:53What happened now?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I've got two weeks to get £8,000
0:07:55 > 0:07:57or they're going to cut my head off.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I can see your pubes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- You're still gambling? - Oh, just a bit.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- You've got a job now. - I make WAY more gambling.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- You never win! - But I keep getting SO close!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09HE SCREAMS
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Lucie left me. Says I wasn't doing anything with my life.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13That's ridiculous! You're a vet.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I'm not a vet. I'm a vet's receptionist.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- You don't save animals and shit? - No, I answer phones and shit.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh. That's a terrible job.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Did you ever get a good look at her arms?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23She's got beautiful arms.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Look, Scott. 8K. That's all I need. - Deal with it yourself.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I've got my own shit going on.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- You're my brother!- Half-brother.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Give me four grand, then.- Dick!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Look, anything! Please, Scott!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I mean, if they kill me, Mum'll have nobody left.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- There's me! - I mean, nobody left to love.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Look, I am begging you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I don't want to die.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I don't want to die.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51HE SOBS
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- I can still see your pubes. - Oh, for God's sake!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03QUIET COUGHS
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Hey, pal? Could I get a little help here?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06My cat's just puked.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Hello? Hello?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Cat sick on the floor!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Excuse me?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Puke!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15£12,000!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Vomity cat. Right here.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Could I get some help?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Welcome to Chicken Bun.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Would you like to try our Sausage and Chicken Breakfast Bun box combo?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Actually, I'm looking for Cozzo Costigan.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Great big fella, fixes the machines. - For your information, knobhead,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I dropped eight pounds last month on a mind-blowing diet.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Debbie said you'd be here. - Well, you only just caught me.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm heading across town to another job.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Shake machine explosion. Complete carnage.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Do you want a Chicken Biscuit? They taste like shit.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- No, thanks. - So, um, how's what's-her-name?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02The one with the arms?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Lucie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's good.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, no. You've been dumped.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08She was sleeping around.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Good! Now you can too!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Not me. I'm stuck with Debbie.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14There's nothing doing, penis-in-vagina wise.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I've not seen hide nor hair of her growler for months.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18We're not getting on, you know?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20She's just cleaning all the time, obsessive.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I think she's got that OCD.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It can be a guilt thing, that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Like a distraction, from something to hide.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- What would she be hiding, anyway? - You never know.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I didn't have the faintest Lucie was banging someone else.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Debbie is not banging anyone!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Including me.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35I could kill myself.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Well, that's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You want me to build you a suicide machine?!
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Shhh, keep it down!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Look, I'll pay you 4,000 squids, cash.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Lucie's left, but there's plenty more fish in the sea.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Some with bigger tits! - It's not for me.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- You want to kill Lucie? - I'm not killing Lucie!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52If they find out in jail you killed a woman,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55your bumhole'll end up like that big red dot in the Japanese flag.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57It's not for Lucie, OK? It's this old bloke.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58He lives next door, he's got ALS,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and he's offering me all this money...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03To murder him? Are you out of your mind? My wife's a copper!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Well, that's the point of the machine. It's suicide, not murder.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Look, all you have to do is rig it so it releases six ccs of Pemrutox.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Pemru-what?- It's the stuff vets use to put dogs to sleep.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Oh, right, yeah.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17We had to put Snowball to sleep a few months back.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The thing went blind and kept bumping into walls.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It was quite funny at first, actually!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- HE CHUCKLES - Then...not so much.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- So could you make something like that?- Yeah, 'course I could!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- And you will?- Will I bugger!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31This is loony tunes! Debbie's in the filth!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I can't get involved in shit like this.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, should've been at McDonald's ten minutes ago!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Look, nice to see you, Scott.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And soz about Luce. Those arms!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58All right, who is he?!
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Who's who?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01This bloke you're seeing!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- Is it someone at the station? - What are you talking about?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Oh, come off it, Debbie! I'm not thick!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Is it...is it Frank?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Johnny? Dave?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Oh, it's Dave, isn't it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16The one with the muscles and the...face!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Cozzo, there is no bloke!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, my God, it's a lady!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Urgh, tell me it's not Bonnie!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Have you been munching fur-burger?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Tell me!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'm pregnant.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31What?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Almost three months.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Why didn't you say something?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I thought you'd freak.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You know, ever since you lost your job...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Went freelance!
0:12:42 > 0:12:43And with what I make in the Met,
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I don't know, I just...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I didn't think that we could afford to...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51To keep it? Are you nuts?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Look who you're talking to.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'll make sure we can afford it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58That's our baby in there, Debbie.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- That's our frigging baby! - HE SOBS AND GIGGLES
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It is OUR baby, right?
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Oh, stop!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13MUSIC: "Noisy Neighbour" by Reverend and The Makers
0:13:48 > 0:13:49You two ready for this?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You've been asking us for the last ten minutes. We're ready!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- What about you, Joe? - Let's just see it! Jesus Christ!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Dun-du-du-du-du-dun-du-dah!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Wow! That is beautiful!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- What the hell is that?! - I call it...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The McFlurry of Death.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Oh, for God's sake!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch and learn.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Joey, get us a glass of water.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15OK, you put the bottle in the top here.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Attach the IV needle to this end of the tube. Like so.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- And then, see where it says "ice?" - Yeah.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Well, that's what the old man pushes down to, you know...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Ice himself?!- Clever, huh?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Yes, when people are about to kill themselves,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29they can't get enough of clever!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Why don't we recite Oscar Wilde, while we're at it?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33No, that would just be boring.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34OK, I've rigged it so it dispenses
0:14:34 > 0:14:36just the right amount of Pump Your Cocks.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- Pemrutox.- Exactly.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Watch this.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48MACHINE WHIRS
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Oh, wow!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57It's turned the water green.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59That is brilliant!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Oh, no, that's just residue from the shake machine.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03It was St Patrick's Day last week.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04You didn't clean it out!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07OK, so here's how it goes.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I, er...I'll let you two use this thing. But on loan.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Every time you help someone to top themselves,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- I get a percentage.- That's fine.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15What do you mean, "every time?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:17This is just ONE desperate old man.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19One old man? Are you having a laugh?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22You don't build a Snickers machine and only make one Snicker.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24There must be shedloads of people that want out.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27He's right, Scott. We could make a fortune with this thing.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- I mean, look at Snickers. - This is NOT Snickers!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- All right, Mars bar. - This is not chocolate bars!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34This is people's lives we're talking about! Not Mars Bars!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37It doesn't have to be a bar. It could be a packet of something.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You know, like, Skittles.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- M&Ms.- Thank you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Look, we are helping ONE person
0:15:42 > 0:15:45out of a tragic situation, and that is all.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Then I'm selling the boots on eBay.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You'll have your money, and you'll have your money.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Then we dispose of this thing so nobody can trace it back to us.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Understand?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Do you understand?!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Snickers!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- What's he got against Snickers? - I don't know.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'm going out for a smoke.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Do NOT touch the animals.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49- Hey, Scott. - HE SCREAMS
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Bloody hell! Jumpy or what? - It's the middle of the night!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And this is an all-night clinic.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You should be prepared for people coming in.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I am. People with pets, which you don't have!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02So until you get a sick, y'know, weasel or something, please leave!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06You left some clothes at my place. I thought you might want them back.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I ain't washed them or nothing.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Great. Thank you. That's wonderful.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Thank you very much, Lucie. Goodbye, now.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Is something going on?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yes, something's going on! It's called work!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Just like what your music producer does.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20But instead of going "La la la la,"
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I go, "Typety-type-type-type," OK?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Now good-the-fuck-bye!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Who was that?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33My ex.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Nice arms.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Eh, relax, will you?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Nobody's ever going to find out.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54All you've got to do is phone the police after a couple of days,
0:17:54 > 0:17:55tell them you haven't seen me for a while,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58and they'll think I died of the disease.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- It's easy-peasy! - Right, yeah. Easy-peasy.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01D'you want a spliff?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03What? No, I don't smoke.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Go on. Have a toke. It'll loosen you up.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07No. I'm fine. Thanks.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Make a fist for me.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16You know, if yours is the last face I'm ever going to see,
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I'd like to see a smile on it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Oh, God, no! Go back to the other face.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Right, you might feel a little prick.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You never said we were going to get personal.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29It's a joke!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Oh. Ha!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- OK?- Yeah. You're a natural.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You must have been a smackhead.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Two years at medical school.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Ah, not as much fun, eh?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It was, actually. I wish I could've done more.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50OK, so if you just pull this lever,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53and the rest should take care of itself.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Ice!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58That's clever!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Thank you.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You sure about this?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Sayonara, Scotty.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Goodbye, Mr...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Paddy.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13HE CLICKS LEVER
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Paddy?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Am I dead? - HE SCREAMS
0:19:35 > 0:19:36- Oh, God!- I don't think it's working.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Shit!- Oh, I'm not dead.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Nothing's coming out! - Is it jammed or something?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- I am SO sorry! - Is there anything I can do to help?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45No, no, no, you just sit there.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46This is your moment of peace.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50HE SHOUTS Work! Why are you not working?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You piece of shit! Work!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54So? How'd it go?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Apart from the fact it didn't work? Smashing!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Impossible!- The needle's in his arm, his eyes are shut,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00and the whole thing jams up.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02What? So, you didn't get the boots?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Paddy's not dead, you self-centred twat!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06You forgot to turn off the safety catch, you tit!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I didn't know there was a safety catch, you shit!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Everybody knows anything that kills people has got a safety catch!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- It's just common courtesy. Joey? - Common courtesy.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Thank you.- You didn't tell me!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Well, now you know. So go back.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No. It's an omen. A sign. I should NOT be doing this.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's a sign you're chicken shit, that's what it is!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I'm going to go and do it. I don't give a toss about him.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26That's exactly why you won't be going anywhere near him!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29This is somebody's life we're talking about!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Yes! Mine! Isn't that the point?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Killing him to prevent people from killing me!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Maybe I'm all right with them getting rid of you!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It'd be easier than digging you out of the shit all the time!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Fuck off! You...fucking fucker!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42You see, Cozzo? Now that's clever(!)
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Joseph Robert Copeland! Off your brother's back, right now!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Put me down!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Fill it up, Gary.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I...am going...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25for a poo-poo.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- NKANTA:- Jo-ey?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54NKANTA LAUGHS
0:21:54 > 0:21:58PHONE RINGS
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Good evening, Animal Clinic.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03They broke my pointing finger, Scott. I can't point any more.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Sorry, this is an animal hospital.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Even though you'd fit right in, I'm hanging up.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09No, no, Scott! No, no! Please, please, don't!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Please! Look, I'll change.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I swear to God, on Mum's life,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I will never place another bet.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Mum's life? Good luck at the casinos!
0:22:16 > 0:22:17'I've always been there for you!'
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Always, OK?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Ever since Mum and your dad split up and you moved down south.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24I've always been there.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'Do you remember when you nearly cut your thumb off?'
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Who stitched it up for you?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You did - with fishing wire and a rusty nail.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I had to spend Christmas in the hospital!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Do you know what Santa brought me that year? A blood transfusion!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Look, I try my best, Scott. I really do.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I just keep screwing up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I can't stop screwing up.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I'm going to miss you, bruv.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47I love you, man.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah. Go ahead, lad.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08HE GIGGLES Oh, this shit's good!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Yeah. Sticky Icky, it's called.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I used to smoke White Rhino,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15but this stuff's smoother.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18What did you do with your life?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Not, like, the family stuff.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I mean, all that's brilliant.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24But, like, what did you do, do?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27HE GIGGLES I said doo-doo!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I was in advertising.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36You're shitting me? For who? Like on TV?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well...you've heard of Pepsi?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Pepsi? I love Pepsi!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- The taste test campaign?- Yeah?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Well, I helped them out with that.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49FUCK OFF! That was you?!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Well, I was part of a team, yeah.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- I took that test!- You did NOT!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I swear down, I did! Look, I was like...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"I like that one best!" PADDY CHUCKLES
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Which one did you choose?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh, I don't know. The wrong one, I think.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07But, fuck it! THEY GIGGLE
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So that was really you?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Yeah. I had a clipboard and everything.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I mean, you changed the world, man!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18I mean, you're a hero!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21The world needs heroes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23You don't want to do this, Paddy.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I do.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29But why? Why?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Why? Why?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Why? Why?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Why? Why?- Why, why, why?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Why? PADDY LAUGHS
0:24:39 > 0:24:43For the same reason that you chose the drink that you chose.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It's the right choice for me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Why should I let life dictate what happens to me?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51This way, I dictate what happens to my life.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Let's do it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- You're ready? - I'm ready. You ready?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58- Let's do it.- Let's do it!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03So I just stick that in there, and...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Thank you. - ..and then all you have to do is...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08MACHINE WHIRS
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Paddy?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Paddy?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20He did it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24HE SQUEALS We did it!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26HE LAUGHS We did it!
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Oh...we did it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34See that, right there?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Uh-huh.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37That's the heart beating.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Oh, my God!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Cozzo, our baby's heart!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43To think, you were going to have an abortion!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- SHE HISSES - Cozzo!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27What do you mean, you've found another?!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28No, no, no, no!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It's just some guy I was having a pint with.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32He's got stomach cancer. How fantastic is that?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You told some bloke you've never met before
0:26:35 > 0:26:37what we've done?! Are you mental?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40But it's shit loads of money, bruv. And not in football boots. Cash.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We can't.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44'This is your ticket to do whatever you want.'
0:26:44 > 0:26:47There's got to be something you want to do with your life.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Right...Doctor?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Joey...
0:26:50 > 0:26:51'Is that a yes?'
0:26:51 > 0:26:53That's a yes, isn't it? I can hear it in your voice.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56'You're saying yes! Just not actually using the word.'
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Fan-fucking-tastic! We're in business, man!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I'll phone you later with the details, yeah?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Yes!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11POLICE SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE
0:27:22 > 0:27:24POLICE SIRENS BLARE OUTSIDE
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Oh, shit!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33All right, all right! Please don't hurt me!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Hurt you?! We need your help!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Our dog's broke its leg.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Oh, thank God! HE LAUGHS
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I'm sorry! HE LAUGHS
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Oh, and that is quite sad, yeah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me
0:27:53 > 0:27:54# I'll be a better man
0:27:54 > 0:27:58# This is the superstar luck machine
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# And all the things in the dark
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:28:09 > 0:28:10# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd