0:00:00 > 0:00:00Please help me!
0:00:02 > 0:00:04OK. Let me take a look.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Scott. Not your job to touch the animals.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09George Best's football boots. There'll be a payment.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- Payment? - I want you to kill me.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12I'm going to break it on "three," OK?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- One...- Ahh!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Deal with it yourself. I've got my own shit going on.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17- But you're my brother.- Half-brother.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Well, give me four grand, then. - Dick.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20What is it they knock the dogs off with?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- Pemrutox.- Stick it in my vein.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24And why couldn't you do that?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26You're dumping me for somebody who eats at Nando's?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28It's all top quality there, you know.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Have you been munching fur-burger? - I'm pregnant.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33You want me to build you a suicide machine?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Are you out of your mind? My wife's a copper.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Well, that's the point of the machine. It's suicide, not murder.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Da-dah!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- What the hell is that? - The McFlurry of Death.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Paddy? Ha-ha! We did it!
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Oh! We did it.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:00:50 > 0:00:53# Cos I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:00:53 > 0:00:54# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:01:03 > 0:01:06That's gotta be murder.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Murder? What do you mean, murder? Why would you think it was murder?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Dying of a heart attack like that, all alone in your flat.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's awful.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Dying of natural causes that, you know, naturally occur.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Just terrible.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- PHONE QUACKS - Oh, er...sorry.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Gotta change that.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Hey.- 'Where are you?' We're supposed to be there in ten minutes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31They're taking Paddy away.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33'Well, it has been two days since you helped the bloke kill himself.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36'The place probably stinks like Mum's corned-beef hash by now.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38'Ha-ha. Just hurry up.'
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Well, this is all very exciting, isn't it?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Our second assisted suicide in a week.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Remember, don't let him pull the lever
0:01:47 > 0:01:49until you make sure all the money's in your pocket.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Right, Scott? Scott? - Seeing Paddy in a bag like that.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Just knowing I was the one responsible. I feel...
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Awesome. I know.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Finally you're doing something interesting with your life.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Anyway, today's guy is called Elroy Carrington.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03He's coloured, and he's got stomach cancer.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Sorry? Did you just say the man was coloured?- Yeah. Why?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Do you only think we should be helping white people,
0:02:08 > 0:02:09you ignorant racist pig?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12What's racist is you using the word "coloured," you ignorant lummox.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Then how am I supposed to describe a black guy?- By saying he's black.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, come on. That is so obvious.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- I don't think I can do this again. - What's the big fucking deal?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- It's a human life.- Using the word "coloured."
0:02:21 > 0:02:23People have been saying it for centuries,
0:02:23 > 0:02:24and suddenly now it's racist?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's been racist since before you were born, you wazzock.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Oh, so many rules, I can't keep up.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I just don't think I'm doing the right thing.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Think of it this way, Scott.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You're helping people kill themselves so you can earn money
0:02:34 > 0:02:37to go to medical school so you can help people get better.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40That, right there, is the circle of life.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I can still call Chinese "Orientals", though, can't I?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Of course. What else are you going to call 'em?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Go get him, killer.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Knock 'em dead.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That thing looks like it was made from old Coke machine parts.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Coke machine?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, no, that's ridiculous. This is a very hi-tech piece of equipment.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Shake machines?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Yes. But, er...trust me. It's...it's all going to go smoothie.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Smoothie?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I meant smoothly.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Are you sure it's going to work?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Er...nobody's lived yet.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, ain't life amazing?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36In just a few short minutes, I ain't going to have one any more.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I'll be dead. Stiff. Gone forever.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Just a blot on the memory of the world.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And you're the bloke who made it all possible. Ha!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48You. That must make you feel good?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52HE COUGHS
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You know, the plastic from those bottles leeches into the water
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- and causes brain damage.- Bollocks.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I once saw a show about people living in a Third World country
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- who drink the same water from the river they shit in.- Urgh!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And they can live like that, drinking their own shit?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Not only can they live like that, I've never seen anyone happier.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Those people are always smiling.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Oh, Jesus! Shit! Christ! Fuck! - What's going on?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Look at the police car over there. It's Debbie.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Do you ever worry, with her being a copper and that,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- she might be a lesbo? - Pretend you're alone!
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Ohh...!
0:04:35 > 0:04:36She's gone.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Oh, you stink. Oh, I forgot to tell you something.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- What? Ahh!- My wife's not a lesbo. - Ahh!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Dick.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47HE GRUNTS
0:04:47 > 0:04:48- Here you are.- Sorry.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I...I think I must just have a touch of food poisoning.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Food poisoning?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I've got stomach cancer. I've never thrown up as much as that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Here, just, um...get comfortable and...and we'll do this.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01HE GRUNTS
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Um...er...this is the needle. It's, er...it's sterilised.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I don't care if it's got AIDS on it, I'm going to be dead.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Right. Yeah, course. Um...so, if you just, er...lie still.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Make...make a fist for me.- Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20HE SOBS
0:05:20 > 0:05:23OK, I'll, um... I'll put this in your arm now.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24What the hell, man?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'm the one who's dying, not you!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'm sorry. I don't know what's the matter with me.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I do. You've got serious mental problems.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32No, no, I...I can do this.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The fuck you will. Get out.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- And take your shake machine with you.- Please, no, I'm...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh, fucking amateur.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43What I can't understand is how come these Third World countries
0:05:43 > 0:05:44are so loaded up with people.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I mean, who's drinking a bucket of shit water
0:05:47 > 0:05:48and then going in for a shag?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51If I'm drinking shit water, I'm going straight to bed.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Ooh, there he is.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- How did it go? - He didn't want to do it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Let's get out of here.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59- What do you mean, he didn't want to do it?- I don't know.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01He just...he saw the needle, completely freaked out.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02So that's it. Off home.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, wait, the man wants to die and he's afraid of a needle?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06That's impossible.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, there's no accounting for people's fears, Joe.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I mean some people are afraid of snakes, but not bears. Huh!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Which is crazy, cos a bear could take your head off with one whoosh.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Right. Let's go.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I mean, that's not to say I'm not afraid of snakes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I mean, I am. Just not as much as bears, that's all.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20OK. Let's go.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Actually, now I say it out loud,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I think I'm more afraid of snakes than bears.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Who cares? Let's just go!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Chillax! We're going.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- I'll tell you what I'm afraid of. - Don't say it. It's racist.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Have you been working out?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Er...no, not really.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Your shoulders are getting bigger.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- Still going through puberty, I guess.- Not you. You're ripe.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Come on! Time to take out the rubbish.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Ever played football?- Er...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03middle school. Hmm..!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Can I ask you a question? - Had 'em tied five years ago.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Every time you put one of these animals to sleep,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11how do you do it without getting all, you know...emotional?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Emotional? Oh, fuck, Scott.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16As far as I'm concerned, every single one of these cats and dogs
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I put down is just a furry little ball of cash in my pocket.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21But still, you've gotta feel something, right?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I mean, after all, you are a human being.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Aren't you?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I used to cry, first ten or eleven times.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Until my wonderful father, a very successful shoe salesman,
0:07:33 > 0:07:38took me aside and said, in a way only Daddy could,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42"Grow some balls, you stupid bitch. It's just business."
0:07:42 > 0:07:43And he was right.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Instead of selling shoes, I was killing dogs.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48There's no place for emotion in business, Scott.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52When I realised that, everything changed.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Be careful with the next one. It's a St Bernard.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Use the knees.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07HE COUGHS
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I...am...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Baby Daddy! Oh! Oh!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Baby Daddy! Dabby Babby!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Babby Booby!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Booby Booby!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I want boobies! Yeah!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Why weren't you at work today?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29What do you... Of course I was at work!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31But now it's time for play.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35So, how about letting me see those big ol' baps filling with milk? Hmm?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36The elixir of life.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Me want to live!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I saw you parked outside the Belmont Flats at 11,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43with that slacker Joey sitting next to you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Joey? Yeah. Well, yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I mean, I was picking him up for the car share.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- What car share?- Didn't I tell you?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I've been, er...car-sharing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You know, for the environment.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I don't want our baby sucking on exhaust fumes
0:08:57 > 0:09:00the second it comes out of your muff, right?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Now, how about we put something into that muff, if you know what I mean?
0:09:04 > 0:09:05HE LAUGHS
0:09:05 > 0:09:07There is no work, is there?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10What do you mean, there's no work? Of course there's work.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Cozzo, just tell me the truth.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Boobies!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Look at me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19There is no work.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Not at the moment, no.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24But I promise you, Debs, as long as there's air to breathe,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27you and that thing in your squish-mitten
0:09:27 > 0:09:29are never going to have to worry about nothing.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Never?- Never ever.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Now, come on, quick, I'm almost finished.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36THEY LAUGH
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Last night, while my Debbie and I were doing the intercourse,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I did something I never done before.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Satisfied your partner?- No.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I let one loose. It just came straight out.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You know, thrust, thrust, "Phrrrrt!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:55At first I was embarrassed, but then I must say,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58there was something actually quite intimate about it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, by the way, I've paid off my moneylender.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03So, from now on, everything I earn goes straight to the bank.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- No more broken fingers for me. - Congrats, mate!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Ow! What did you do that for? - Come on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10What? You held up your hand.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14A business seminar? What's this about, Scotty?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Is this some sort of a joke? - No, we're the joke.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17We're conducting ourselves like amateurs.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I mean, look at this piece of shit machine you made.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The McFlurry of Death? That's a thing of beauty.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25It looks like they're about serve themselves an ice cream, not die.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Well, if I was going to die, I would love an ice cream. Joey?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Mint choc chip with sprinkles. That's a good way to die.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- Thank you!- Just make it look more professional.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35You know, streamline it. Something. And this is just the beginning.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38But if we're actually going to do this thing, then I have to...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41we've got to start thinking of this as a legitimate business.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Although, God knows, it's the furthest thing from it.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45He's right, you know. We've not even agreed on a pay structure yet.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Well, if you ask me, people should only pay what they can afford.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Plus we should have a reward scheme with a little card that you stamp.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Buy four deaths, get the fifth one free.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Like a frequent-dier programme.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- You can't die frequently. - No, no, no.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57You buy it for the whole family.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58And then if the kids want to kill themselves,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00well, then, it's already sorted, isn't it?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Well, it's good parenting. No?- No.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Mothers of Mercy!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- What?- That could be our name.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Mothers of Mercy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09We don't need a name, and we're not women.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No, no, no, not those sorts of mothers.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Mothers as in "motherfuckers."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Oh, I see. But of mercy!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Exactly. Cos "mothers" is fucking hard, right?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Then you throw in a little bit of "mercy",
0:11:17 > 0:11:19softens the whole thing right up. What do you think?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20We don't need a name.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I could totally see "Mothers of Mercy" on a hat.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27With the Ms as the bones and then O in the "of" as a skull.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- I'd wear that hat. - We're not getting hats.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Every business has a hat. - And jackets.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34We're not getting jackets or hats or scarves or badges...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Badges!- I want a badge!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38...or anything that says, "Look at me, everybody!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"I'm helping people kill themselves!" Got it?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Now, the seminar starts at two.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I've already bought tickets. I expect you both to be there.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Is that clear?- Fine. But when we do get jackets, can I vote for fleece?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Oh, I love a fleece.- So comfortable. - Yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Is it really four hours?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56MUSIC: "Hot In Here" By Nelly
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Come on. That's it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Keep it going. Let's shake those booties!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yeah, can you see that?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Making good. Shaking booties!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Yes, Mrs Martin!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Shake that pelvis like it's 1949!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Come on!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Oh, crap.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Just so you know,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'm not going to need your monetary services any more,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20considering I've decided to forgo gambling
0:12:20 > 0:12:21and take up a respectable business.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well, sort of.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27In fact, not at all. But it's not gambling.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Good for you, my friend, eh? That makes me very happy.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Oh, thank you. In fact I'm off to a business seminar right now.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Quick question. Is it wrong to call you people coloured?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Hey, I'd kill somebody if they called me that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42See? That's exactly what I thought.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Now, thank you for settling an argument.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46OK. Oh, by the way.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49You still owe us £4,000, eh?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50- 4,000? I paid you everything.- Mm.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Hey, relax, my friend.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54There was a mistake in our accounting department.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56It's OK. It's our own fault.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59So we're not going to break your finger.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04You're going to break somebody else's finger.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07GIGGLING
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Joey hasn't texted you, has he?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14No. Are you happy with the size of your cock?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Scott?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Oh, I'm sorry. Was I actually supposed to respond to that?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I was in the shower this morning, scrubbing my bits,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and realised that I don't think mine's as big as it should be,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24you know, for a man of my size.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You'd think a lifetime of tugging on it would have made it a bit bigger,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28but no.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- What do you think I should do? - Keep plugging away?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I know, but there's only so many hours in the day.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Maybe you should take a look? - What? No!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I thought that's why you applied to medical school,
0:13:38 > 0:13:39so you could be a doctor?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Well, yeah, I am, but I'm not a doctor yet,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and even if I was, I wouldn't want to look at your tiny dick.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- You haven't applied yet, have you? - Yeah, of course I have.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Bovus fimus.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- Bovus fimus? - It's Latin for bullshit.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You'd probably learn that if you went to medical school.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- I'm waiting, OK?- For what?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56To, you know, see if this whole thing works out.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I just don't want to count my chickens before they hatch,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59- that's all.- Are you kidding me?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00When this business gets up and running,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02there'll be no chickens hatching,
0:14:02 > 0:14:03cos all the mother and father chickens
0:14:03 > 0:14:05will have killed themselves. That's how great we're going to do.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Yeah, I dunno.- Yeah, and that's cos of you, you know that?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I'm going to be able to afford to take care of my baby,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13all because of you. Give me a hug.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- We're going to be late for the lecture.- Give me a hug!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Cozzo!- Aah!- Get off!
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I'm pressed all the way against you,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and I bet you still can't feel a thing, can you?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Get off me.- Shit.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I don't understand how there can be so many people starting businesses.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Everything's already been done.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I mean, at least with assisted suicide, it's something new.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Will you keep your voice down?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Hey, you with the no hair.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What kind of business are you starting?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I'm opening a shop that sells light fixtures.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Oh, yeah. Like we need more of those. See what I mean?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Good afternoon, everyone, my name is Harold Adams,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and welcome to The Business Of Starting A Business.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50You know, I've heard that little men like this guy
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- have unusually large peni.- Ssh!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Today is all about making a potential client believe
0:14:55 > 0:14:58that your product will change his life. Because if you can do that,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00you'll get him every time.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Is that a fold in the front of this guy's trousers,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04or am I looking at the outline of his cock?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Why don't you try listening to his words
0:15:06 > 0:15:07instead of trying to gauge the size of his penis?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I'm trying. I really am.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11So, why don't we begin with this word here?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Image! Sorry.
0:15:13 > 0:15:19I...I thought we were all supposed to say the... Go on.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20- WHISPERS:- It's definitely his cock.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22...consideration when you're starting a business.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25But it begins with you. How you talk, what you wear.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27From the very second a client meets you,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32he should be comfortable with the...image you present.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Mm. So, apparently, this guy wants to present the image
0:15:34 > 0:15:36he's hung like a horse.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37You should really get checked for ADD.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40He's the one who's got ADD. A donkey dick.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42HE LAUGHS
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Question for everybody.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47What other forms of image are there in a company? Yes, you at the back?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Company name?- Excellent. Yes.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And when it comes to names, they don't have to be clever.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53They just have to stand out from the crowd.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55What's the name of your company, sir?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Mothers of Mercy.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Oh, well, that's an excellent name. - Thank you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Depending, of course, on what the business is. What's your business?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- What business?- The business you're starting.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- My business?- Yes. What is it?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Well, it's...it's none of your business
0:16:10 > 0:16:11what my business is...Mr Big Cock.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Why don't you just get on with your business,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- telling everyone about businesses? Mm?- Yes,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19well, move...moving on. Er...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21See that? He liked the name.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Core values.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- There's no way I can do this. - Of course you can.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33With just a little bit of force, a finger snaps like a candy cane.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35And you like candy canes, don't you, Razak?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36HE CHUCKLES
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Where is the guy?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Mm.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Over there.- That's a woman.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Kelly. Sweet girl, but short on cash.- But that's a woman.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Why do you think I don't want do it? Eh?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50They just scream like small, small girls. It hurts my heart.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52So, what are you going to do if I don't, eh?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You going to break my hand? Is that what you're going to do?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56He wants to know if we're going to break his hand.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59THEY LAUGH
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Why are you laughing? You're always laughing!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Because if you don't do it,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Razak here will just shoot off your kneecap.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06With a gun?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Relax, my friend, eh?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12He jams the barrel behind the kneecap and shoots outwards.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15That way it just blows off the patella without damaging the femur.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's a very good technique.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- I'll never walk again. - Oh, definitely not, no.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- That's a terrible technique. - Not for us it's not.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23HE LAUGHS
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You're laughing again. Stop laughing!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27You have 24 hours.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I don't know why we have to dress in suits to help kill someone.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Look, we should dress like a clown or something to make 'em happy.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Oh, I'm sure people would love to see a horrifying fat clown
0:17:38 > 0:17:39just before they died.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Well, it doesn't have to be you. I could dress up like that.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Either way. Oh, shit, I left my wallet...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Hey! Hey, er...Mr Carrington!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Oh, the barf-man cometh.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I'm glad to see you haven't killed yourself yet. How are you?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Horrible. But now slightly worse.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Look, I'm...I'm really sorry about what happened.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Yeah, I was supposed to be decomposing by now.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03But apparently I'll have to use another option to get there.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04No, no, don't.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I promise you, my business is still the best option there is.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10What? Getting thrown up on, to death? I don't think so.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12The bell-end in there acted like he didn't have my wallet.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15He even threatened to break my nose if I didn't stop harassing him.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16- So, he never gave it you back?- No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It was actually in my back pocket the whole time.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19But still, what a dick.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Who's this? - Cozzo, this is Elroy Carrington.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Carrington?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Wait, you're the bloke who pussied out instead of killing himself?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28- Cozzo.- Pussied out?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I never pussied out.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32It was your friend here that pussied out, not me.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Scott? Look at him, he's not a pussy.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- He said you were the pussy. - You said I was a pussy?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I might have implied that you changed your mind.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Aw, you more than implied it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42The way he made it seem, it was a total pussy-fest.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Can we stop talking about pussy?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Afternoon, ladies.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Mr Carrington, please. Overdosing is not the way to go.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53We are. But you don't have to decide right now.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57How about we come over and pitch you our business with a new attitude
0:18:57 > 0:18:58and a new and improved machine
0:18:58 > 0:19:00to ensure that you get to the other side
0:19:00 > 0:19:02quicker and more painlessly than our previous model?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Right, Cozzo? - Do you not like ice cream?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Right?- Right!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Mr Carrington, I promise you,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10what we have to offer will change your life...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12into, you know...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14death.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19All we have to do is explain to this guy
0:19:19 > 0:19:20why he shouldn't be killing himself with pills.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Yeah, or anything else for that matter.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I saw a picture of a guy on the Net
0:19:23 > 0:19:25that went to shoot himself in the head,
0:19:25 > 0:19:26and accidentally blew his face off.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28All he had left was this tiny little hole
0:19:28 > 0:19:30where his mouth used to be. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32That's horrible. We should use that.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Yeah. Although it turned out he was a marvellous whistler.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Won a competition. Bird calls, I think.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Don't mention that part. But the face thing is brilliant!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- How do you do it, Scott?- Do what?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Just something to someone else. It's just so many emotions.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I just can't imagine it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's why we have to think of it as a business, Joey.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54You know, that's all it is. It's just business.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Right.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Yeah, it's just a business.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Click-click. Pow!
0:20:00 > 0:20:01WHISTLES
0:20:01 > 0:20:02SCOTT LAUGHS
0:20:03 > 0:20:04COZZO CHUCKLES
0:20:04 > 0:20:06KNOCK AT DOOR
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Can I help you?- Hello.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12My name is Joey. I've been sent by Nkanta.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Shit.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Are you here to break my finger? - Sorry, ma'am. Yes, I am.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Oh, fuck.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21OK. Er...come in, then.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Thank you, ma'am.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Would you like a drink?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'm good. Unless you've got an orange cordial.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Sorry, fresh out.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Then I'm fine, thanks.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Orangina?- Ooh.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Orangina. That would be wonderful.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Lovely place.- Thanks, yeah, I'm very fond of it.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48You know, Joey, you really don't have to do this.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I wish I didn't.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53But if I don't, then they're going to blow off my kneecap.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55And if it's all the same to you, I'd much rather keep it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Course you would.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59This is all for you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Thank you. Thanks.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05So, where shall we do this?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I was thinking right here.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09What...what are you doing?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10FLY UNZIPS
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Oh. Oh.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Ohh.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Ooh, God.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Oh. Ohh. Oh.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21SLURPS DRINK
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# Arise thy mortal souls!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# We are the Mothers of Mercy!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30# The Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32# The Mothers of Mercy! The Mothers of Mercy... #
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Cozzo?- Jesus Christ, Debs!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36If I'd had a knife in my hand,
0:21:36 > 0:21:37- I'd have stabbed you in the face! - Sorry, sweetie.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I got off work a little early.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Well, great, let's go for dinner.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- What are you working on there? - Nothing. Come on, I'm starving.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Come on, Cozzo, tell me. What is that thing?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Fine, if you want to know, I'll tell you,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52but you've got to promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53I swear.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm working on a machine that...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00...cleans up the world's water supply,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02you know, so that children in the Third World nations
0:22:02 > 0:22:04don't have to drink the same water they shit in.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07This is what you're doing with your day instead of looking for work?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09This is work. As a matter of fact,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I'm going on Dragons' Den when I'm done with this, get investors.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I swear, Duncan Bannatyne will chew my leg off
0:22:15 > 0:22:17for the chance to clean up the world's shit water supply.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I'll make more money than God.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20SHE LAUGHS
0:22:20 > 0:22:22What are you laughing at?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh, my God, Cozzo.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I love you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39SIGHS
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh, that was amazing.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Best ever.- Yeah.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Apart from this one girl down in Greenwich, it really was.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Mm.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49CLICK
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh! What the fuck?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- What?- Jesus! You just broke my fucking finger!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I said I was going to. That's why I came here.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- But we fucking shagged! - What's that got to do with anything?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I did it so you wouldn't break my finger, you stupid fuck!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Well, you didn't say that.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04- It was implied!- Implied?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I thought it was cos you thought I was super hot.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Just get the fuck out of here! - Oh, God, I feel so used.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh, just get out!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11So, what, like no dinner?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15No! Jesus fucking Christ! Oh!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18MUSIC: "Supermassive Black Hole" BY Muse
0:23:24 > 0:23:28# Oh, baby, don't you know how I suffer?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32# Oh, baby, can you hear me moan?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36# You caught me under false pretences... #
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Mr Carrington, we guarantee you an easier, more effortless death
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- than any alternative possibly can. - Or your money back.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44For example, you were thinking of taking pills.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I thought we were starting with jumping off a bridge.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Pills first.- You'll love the bridge part. Very exciting.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The problem with pills is you've got a one-in-five chance
0:23:51 > 0:23:53of choking, vomiting, and/or going into a coma.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Boy, oh, boy, Scott! That sounds bad.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57But not as bad as jumping off a bridge.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58- Windows next.- Is it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Pills, windows, gun, bridge.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh! I forgot about the gun. You're going to love the gun.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03When jumping out of a window,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06not only are the bone fragments, blood splatter and internal organs
0:24:06 > 0:24:08strewn hundreds of feet from impact,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11but also there's the chance you could land on an innocent bystander
0:24:11 > 0:24:13or dog, killing them too.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Boy, oh, boy, Scott! That sounds bad.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17But not as bad as jumping off a bridge.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18- Gun.- Jumping off a gun.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Shooting yourself with a gun.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Because if you miss, which happens one out of ten times,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24you could wind up completely paralysed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Or, if you're lucky, spend the rest of your life
0:24:26 > 0:24:27as a competitive whistler.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Pow! - WHISTLES
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- A what?- Forget about that. All that matters is that you choose us.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- Mothers of Mercy. - That's not our name.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Do you like that name? - Forget the name.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39All that matters is that you choose us to, er...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41to, um...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43to...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Do you know what? Er... we're done here.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50What do you mean, we're done? What about the bridge?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I act out what goes through your mind as you fall towards the water -
0:24:53 > 0:24:57birth, marriage, kids, face-plant!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- It's a tour de force. Can I do it? - You just did.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Er...I'm sorry, Mr Carrington.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I hope we didn't waste too much of your time.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04You know, the...the time you have left.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13What are you doing? We had him!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This is a human being, and we're trying to sell him assisted suicide
0:25:16 > 0:25:18like we're selling steak knives.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19OK, fine, we'll leave out the part
0:25:19 > 0:25:21about the dangers of killing himself with a steak knife.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I can't think of what we're doing as a business.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And you say you want to be a doctor?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'll find another way to pay for medical school.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29This has nothing to do with the money.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31What do doctors do for people, huh?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35What do they do? They help them feel better by getting rid of their pain.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36What's that got to do with anything?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Because that's what you're doing by helping these people off themselves.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Please.- You are!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42You're giving them a permanent kind of no-pain.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Which kind of makes you the best doctor in the world, don't it?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Mr Carrington, you've had a wonderful life,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53and we hope that you choose us...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Mothers of Mercy.- ...to help you have a wonderful death.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01All right. Let's do this.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- What?- Hook me up and get me out of here.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Really?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Only don't say another fucking word.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I don't want to die with an 'eadache.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- That's not very nice.- Shut up.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15MUSIC: "Me So Horny" By Live Crew
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Yeah!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Well done, kids! Amazing today.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Hey, and give it up for Mrs Dunphy,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23who managed to hold in her gas this time around.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Well done, Mrs Dunphy. Amazing, amazing!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28How did it go?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29- Not bad.- We killed him.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31We didn't kill him. But our pitch killed him.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33And then he, you know, killed himself.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34This is incredible, bruv.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36When word of mouth gets out about this,
0:26:36 > 0:26:37our business is going to explode.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39There is no word of mouth, you idiot.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41If we do a good job, our clients are dead.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Oh, yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45So, where are we going to find people who want to die?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47MAN COUGHS
0:26:50 > 0:26:51COUGHING
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# I'll be a better man
0:27:08 > 0:27:12# This is the superstar luck machine
0:27:12 > 0:27:17# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:27:26 > 0:27:27# This is the superstar luck machine. #