0:00:02 > 0:00:04THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR
0:00:04 > 0:00:06You want me to build you a suicide machine?
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Du-dah!
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Make it look more professional, you know.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Streamline it. We've got to start thinking of this
0:00:11 > 0:00:12as a legitimate business.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14- Go get him, killer. - Knock 'em dead.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17In just a few minutes, I'll be gone forever.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18That must make you feel good.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Every time you put one of these animals to sleep,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23how do you do it without getting all emotional?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26As far as I'm concerned, every single one of these cats and dogs I put down
0:00:26 > 0:00:29is just a furry little ball of cash in my pocket.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32By the way, you still owe us £4,000.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Is that a fold in the front of this guy's trousers,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36or am I looking at the outline of his cock?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38You're going to break somebody else's finger.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40But that's a woman. CLICK
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh! Jesus! You just broke my finger!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I said I was going to. That's why I came here.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I promise you, what we have to offer will change your life.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Into, you know, death.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We didn't kill him. But our pitch killed him. And then he killed himself.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55When word of mouth gets out about this, our business is gonna explode.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57If we do a good job, our clients are dead.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58So where are we gonna find people who want to die?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01COUGHING
0:01:01 > 0:01:05# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Are you gonna finish that?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22- What?- The sandwich.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Are you going to finish that?
0:01:24 > 0:01:29It would make me very happy for you to enjoy the rest of my sandwich.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38You know, everyone's always saying that they wish there were real-life superheroes.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Well, there are, and you happen to be sitting right next to one.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I'm a life-saver.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47CHOKING
0:01:50 > 0:01:53SCREAMS
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Check out her nips.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Hey, hey, hey! Great news.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- If this involves a woman letting you put your knob in her bum, I don't want to hear it.- I do.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, I was on the bus today, just minding my own business,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10when I saw this homeless guy who looked really hungry.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13So, me being a nice fellow and all, gave him over my ham sandwich.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Ah, so for the first time in your life, you weren't a selfish prick? That is great news.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20No, no, the great news is, he choked on the sandwich and dropped dead.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Right in front of me. Bang! Just like that.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's not great. That's horrible.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25- No. Don't you get it? - Yeah, I get it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27What Hitler was to the Jews, you are to the homeless?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- No, don't you see? We've got an out. Do you mind?- Yes, I do.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33We're always worried about getting caught doing this euthanasia thing.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, we won't if we subvert suspicion.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40How do we do that? By making people look like they choked to death.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I call the technique ham-sandwiching. What do you think?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44What do you think we think, you stupid tit?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Can you believe I'm half-related to this nutter?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I think it's brilliant, Joey.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Oh, come on! You do not! - Think about it.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You help the guy off himself at the kitchen table,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54shove a ham sandwich in his mouth and then leave.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Nobody'll think twice. But it's gotta be with cheese.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Cheddar? - Hmm...I'd say Brie.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You've got a little more viscosity with Brie. Or feta?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Feta's too crumbly.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Do you ever the fuck listen to yourselves? I mean, seriously.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Sit the fuck still and fucking listen to what the fuck you are saying.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He's right. Feta is a bit crumbly.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14We're helping people die with dignity. Not with their lunch sticking out of their face.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I gotta get to work. Joey, stop coming up with stupid ideas
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and start finding people at the old age home that want us to help them finish themselves off, would you?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I didn't say they shouldn't die with dignity. Just that we should shove a sandwich in their mouth after.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28- They wouldn't even know.- Exactly.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Mozzarella!- Mozzarella!
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Mm-hm.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41How much longer am I gonna have to wait to see the vet?
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Sorry. She should be with you any minute.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46This thing won't go near my wife or my daughter. And I just need to know if the parrot's a poofter.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Cos if it is, I don't want it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Well, sure. You can't have a poofy parrot flying around your flat now, can you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52PARROT SQUAWKS
0:03:54 > 0:03:57What am I supposed to tell my kids? They're going to be devastated!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Oh, sweetie, just buy them another cat.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05That way, they'll be focused on something else and they won't even be thinking about how bad they feel.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08OK? Great. Have a good night.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14You still going out with that girl? What's her name? Lacey?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Lucie? Er...no, no. We...we broke up.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20But there's a man here who wants to know if he's got a homosexual parrot.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I only met her once. Tracey.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27But she didn't seem like she'd be any good in the sack.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Next, please! Er...the gay bird.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Sorry, no, not...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34not you, miss, the...the parrot.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I would never... Sorry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40PARROT SQUAWKS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I can't believe there isn't a cot
0:04:43 > 0:04:45anywhere in the country for less than £200.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46You still on about that?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I don't think you grasp how much this baby's going to cost us, Cozzo.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52There's clothes, shoes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Nappies. God knows, the expense of baby food alone is a nightmare.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00So we'll switch. He can eat my steak, and I'll suck on your tits.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I'm serious.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I don't want to hear nothing more about money, Debs. We're fine.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08As a matter of fact, I got a job, first thing in the morning,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10tuning up the machines at Chicken Bun.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Really? You do?- Yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14So, er...how about...
0:05:14 > 0:05:18we become the first couple in history to have two babies six months apart?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Mm-hm. Mm.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LIFT DINGS
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Hold the lift!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Hold the lift! Hold the lift!- Oh!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Ah!- Oh, shit!
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Mm.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And I thought chivalry was dead.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No, just the nerves in my hand.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I'm Claudia, moved in last week.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Scott.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56How ironic. That's my father's name.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00That's not ironic. It's more of a coincidence and it's barely that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I haven't spoken to my father in ten years. Can you believe that?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Not since he went to jail for molestering me.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Wow. Well, that's quite a bit of unnecessary information.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Everyone thinks that's why I do porno, cos he effed me up sexually.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15But it's really not. I just enjoy getting shafted on camera.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16You do realise we just met?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You're a sweetheart. LIFT DINGS
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Right, well...well, this is me.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You should come up to my place and let me take care of that.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh, my hand's OK, really. But thanks.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I wasn't talking about your hand.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- Oh. Well, I'm quite... - HE YAWNS
0:06:32 > 0:06:35..tired, so, you know, I'm just gonna go to bed.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Well, I owe you one. So, if you ever need anything at all, I'm number 33.
0:06:40 > 0:06:4133.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46TOILET FLUSHES
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'd give it five minutes if I was you. I gotta go.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You look smoking hot.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It's picture day at the office.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54I bet you're the best-looking copper in the whole department.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I'm fat.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Yeah, but you're pregnant. - Wrong answer.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I can say that. I'm fat too.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Yeah, wrong again. Um...you haven't seen my gold earrings, have you?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You know the ones that my gran gave me, with the rubies in?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- I can't find them anywhere. - When I took 'em off last night,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I swear to God, I put 'em right back where I found 'em.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Same with your bra and French knickers.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15The only thing I've got that are worth anything, and I've lost them.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm worth something, and you'll never lose me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Oh, God, I hope I find those earrings.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Wrong answer. See you tonight.- Yep.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Hm.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Holy shite.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Looking a bit pale today, Gladys.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Do you think the diabetes has reached stage five yet?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Mr Patel.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50How are the knees holding up? Pain too much for you?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Mrs Martin?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Mrs Martin!
0:07:56 > 0:08:00The anniversary of your husband's death today, isn't it?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Wouldn't you just love to be back with him?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05HE SHOUTS Wouldn't you just love to be... Oh.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- How are you doing, Arthur? - Can't feel the legs any more.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13My back's shot. All I can eat is slops.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17I wish I was a horse. They would have put a bullet in my head years ago.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Have you got a minute?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25# One plus zero... # THUDDING
0:08:25 > 0:08:30# ..Ain't enough to make two and I hope you know
0:08:30 > 0:08:33# One plus zero
0:08:33 > 0:08:37# Ain't enough to make two and I hope you know... #
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- Need help with anything? - Oh!- Oh, sorry!
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Jesus! You scared me half to death.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Sorry. I'm...I'm Scott, Scott from next door.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I-I-I saw the door open. I was worried there might be a burglar.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53And...and if you are, then that's fine.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I'll just get out of your way and let you burgle it up.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- BOTH CHUCKLE - I'm Julia, Paddy's daughter.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Um...he used to live here. - I know.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Um...I'm sorry. I'm Scott. - I know.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- You do? How?- You told me.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I did? Oh. Well, I got it right, then.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Um...oh, do you want a hand or anything?- Thank you.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm lucky my dad lived as long as he did.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23He could have died from an overdose of tackiness.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yeah, I think there comes a time in your 60s
0:09:25 > 0:09:28when you believe buying porcelain animals made in China will increase your lifespan.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- SHE CHUCKLES - That's funny.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Um...Dad was gonna take me to China, just the two of us.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It was going to be his last hurrah before...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I was really looking forward to spending that time with him.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44It was gonna be lavish, first class all the way.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Obviously he didn't have a lot of money, but he was gonna pay for it by selling his prize possession.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Oh, what was that? - A pair of old football boots.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- SMASH - Oh!- I'm...I'm so sorry.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Honestly, it's fine. They're meaningless.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59The only thing of any value around here were those boots.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Apparently, they were some kind of collector's item, worth thousands.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- You haven't seen them, have you? - His football boots? No. Never.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11I mean, I don't even watch football, let alone look at the boots.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I can't find them anywhere and I've scoured the place.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'm starting to think maybe they were stolen.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Yes! Yes! Deffo.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I mean, things are always getting pinched around here. It...it's an epidemic.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Ah, so maybe I should call the police?- No! No! Bad idea.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Why?- Well, you never want to get the police involved.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I mean, that is just a recipe for disaster.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Cos before you know it, they... they start pointing the finger at you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- SHE LAUGHS - But I didn't steal them.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Well, yeah. Yeah, you and I know that, of...of course.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38But...but can you prove it?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Probably not. And that puts you in a tough position. Right?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Right, well, I...I better get going.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Er...your father was a really good man.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Er...wait. Er...wait.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Here's the, um...info for the service.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's Friday.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07No obligation to come, obviously.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Thanks.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Thanks.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Hi. Is Cozzo here? - Welcome to Chicken Bun.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Would you like to try
0:11:22 > 0:11:26our new chicken parmigiana strips and chips bun box combo?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Where is Cozzo?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Out back.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- What the hell do you want? - I bet that pierced lip of yours
0:11:34 > 0:11:38would feel good against the delicate skin of my stinky pickle.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I hope you die of emphysema.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42I like you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You think she'd actually call the police?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't know. She seemed pretty upset about the boots.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- What do you think I should do? - Oh, if this were a movie, I'd say you should kill her.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- I'm not killing her.- Yeah. You're right. That would be too obvious.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Maybe she should murder you. Nobody would see that coming.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Your wife's in the Met. Ask her if the police can trace down people who sell things on eBay.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Because if they can, we're screwed, and we're gonna have to try to buy back the boots
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- and place 'em somewhere where Julia can find them.- All right? Did you tell Coz I got our next victim?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09They're clients, not victims.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Whatever. We're still gonna...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12BOTH SNIGGER
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Anyway, nice old guy. Lonely, depressed.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He's got some sort of metastasising liver tumour.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, wow, that's wonderful!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Do you believe in love at first sight?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- What?- Like, when you first met Debbie, did you know right away that she was the one?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I knew she was the one I wanted to yank my crank.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Why? Is this about Paddy's daughter?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I don't know.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, it better not be about the girl running this place. Cos that skank is mine.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34The Goth bird? Are you mad?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37What? Ever had one? They bang you like they hate you. It's great.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I bet. All Debbie does is make love to me like she cares.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- Oh, sorry.- Yeah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45CUTLERY CLINKS
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Mm. Great lasagne, Debs.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You do something different this time?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- I got it at the supermarket. - Mm. Much better, yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57So, I got a question for you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Let's say somebody sold something on eBay.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Right? Could the police trace it back to the person who sold it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04- Why do you ask? - Oh. I don't know.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Just curious, that's all.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yeah, people aren't curious about being caught at something
0:13:08 > 0:13:11unless there's a reason.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13So, what is it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Well, er...you know, actually, if you must know,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I've been, well, thinking of writing a movie.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It's a mystery.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23A mystery, huh?
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Yeah. It's about this guy who kills a woman. Or does she kill him first?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I don't know. That's the mystery.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- I don't believe you. - What do you mean, you don't believe me? Why would I lie to you?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Oh, I don't know, Cozzo.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Maybe it's because you sold my earrings on eBay,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and you're afraid that I'll find out?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What earrings? I don't know what you're talking about.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, give it up, Cozzo. I found the money.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- What money?- In your underwear drawer!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Oh, Jesus.- Why would you do that?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Why would you sell my granny's earrings?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Something that's important to me. - Debbie.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Why?- I...I just panicked, OK?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03You made me so nervous about not being able to...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05give you and the baby all that you needed.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I...I sold the earrings!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I didn't know what else to do. - Oh, Cozzo.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I just felt so worthless!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15No.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Cozzo. It's me.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's my fault. I've...I've been putting too much pressure on you.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25No.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29All I've been talking about is money, and it's not important.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Hm?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What's important is that we have each other, right?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42SNIFFS It's OK.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44I forgive you.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- CRIES - Oh...!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Hello again. - Come back when we're open.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Or lick a light socket. That would be better.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Stop acting like you don't want me as bad as I want you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I do want you...to go fuck yourself.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Ah, why would I do that, when you're here?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Get the hell out of my face before I shove this mop up your arse.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Head first.- See?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14That's the problem with women like you.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You always think everyone's out to get you,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19so you shut down before someone can find their way into your heart.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Well...I'm not that kind of guy, miss.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I'm crazy about you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29And if you can't open yourself up to that kinda shit,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31you don't deserve what I've got to offer.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Are you sure this is the right address?- I assume so. It's where I sent the boots.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I'm so nervous. I'm sweating like a paedophile at a Wiggles concert.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Just be incredibly nice and complimentary,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and I promise you, everything'll be fine.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Yes, can I help you?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Can I just say, you look fantastic.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Great jeans, flip-flops and lovely socks.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You finished? Who are you?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Hi. I'm Scott. This is Cozzo.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03We're the guys that sold you the George Best football boots.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah! Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I gotta tell you guys, Bestie is such an idol of mine.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I've already had it written in my will that I want to be buried wearing those boots.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- What do you think of that, eh? - It's great.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- So what can I do for you fellows? - Great beard. Scott?
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Yeah. Um...look, here's the deal, and I feel terrible about this,
0:16:23 > 0:16:24but the boots that we sold you...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26they're, uh...they're fake.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- HE SIGHS - What do you mean, they're fake?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31As in "not real". That's what fake means.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- He knows what fake means. - Well, he asked what it meant. - Anyway, look, um...it just so happens
0:16:36 > 0:16:38that our grandfather had dementia when he gave us the boots,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41and it...it turns out they're just an old pair from his university days.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Ah, it's an awful thing, dementia is. My aunt's got it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Last time I saw her, she thought I was her husband. Tried to kiss me on the lips.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Is she sexy?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52What? That's a normal question.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Anyway, um...look, we feel terrible about giving you false merchandise
0:16:55 > 0:16:57and we just wanted to let you know
0:16:57 > 0:16:59that we're going to give you every last pound back, yeah.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Plus another 100 quid for being such a nice guy.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Seriously? Another 100 quid, eh? - Not bad, eh?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06- Not bad at all. - So what do you say?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- I'd say your mother's a transsexual prostitute.- Excuse me?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Think I just fell off the banana boat?- No-one said anything about a banana boat.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15If those boots were fake, you would have kept the money.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17That's not true. Only a thief would do that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Really? Cos in my opinion, a thief would try to buy the boots back,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- cos he realised they were worth way more than what he sold 'em for. - What? No.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I bet I can get 40 grand for 'em tomorrow.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- That's crazy.- 50.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- What do you care? You're gonna be buried in the ruddy things!- Cozzo.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Not if they're worth 60 grand, I'm not, son.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Look, mate, we're being dead straight with you.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Yeah, and I'm being honest with you. Go fuck yourself.- Right! Look here, arseface,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- you give us those boots... - What are you gonna do, chunky? Eat me?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Right, that's it! - No, no!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Well, what are we going to do now?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I might have something.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Oh! Oh! You like it, bitch! - Oh! Give it to me!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- I'm giving it to you hard, you skank!- Oh, yeah! That's it!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Oh! You dirty little whore! - Oh! Oh!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Ah! Why did you do that? - I'm not a whore.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- It's all right. - Mm!- Oh! Yes! Oh, yes!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35DOOR SHUTS Hi, sweetheart.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37How would you like to watch series three of Downton Abbey?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Spoiler alert. I, er...heard Elizabeth McGovern has a graphic lesbian scene
0:18:41 > 0:18:43with a very frail Maggie Smith.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Why would you lie to me?
0:18:44 > 0:18:45HE LAUGHS It was just a joke.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- Although it was based on a dream I had about the both of them last month.- I'm talking about these.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh, wow! Look at that!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55You found your earrings!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You said that you sold these on eBay.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02Yes! Of course I said that, but only as part of the...the mystery.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04What mystery?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05That I'm writing! I just...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I just didn't know if it made any sense, you know.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10The guy pretending to sell his wife's earrings
0:19:10 > 0:19:13and then blaming her for forcing him to
0:19:13 > 0:19:14because she's always going on about money.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18So I just wanted to see what it would be like in the real world and...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21and it worked, it did! Yay!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- So, you used me.- No.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I mean, yes, but only for...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27For your own benefit.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Exactly. Oh...
0:19:29 > 0:19:30God, I love you. Come on, let's watch.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32No, no, no, no, no. What about the money?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- What money?- In your drawer! Where did it come from?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37It's Joey's. All right?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41He...he asked me to hold onto it so he wouldn't screw it away on...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43On what?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Transsexual prostitutes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55BELL CHIMES
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You came. I didn't think you were gonna make it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Make it? Of course. I...I wouldn't miss it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13I would. I hate these things. Mingling, pretending to know people.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I think right now I'd rather be where my father is.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- Is this the boyfriend? - Um...Aunt Charlotte, this is Scott. Scott, this is my Aunt Charlotte.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Are you the boyfriend?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I don't have a boyfriend.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Oh, that's too bad. He's so...tall.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Cousin Margaret! This is the boyfriend.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I think we'd better leave them alone.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39BOTH CHUCKLE
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Sorry about that. - No, no, it's fine.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43If I ever become that person, I will shoot myself.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- There are other ways.- So...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49how do you fancy taking a little orphan girl out for a walk?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Sure.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58HE LAUGHS Where have you been all my life?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00TOILET FLUSHES
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- What the fuck happened to you? - What do you mean?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Your face. You've taken off your face.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Yeah. When we were shagging, the make-up smeared.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I can't work with smeared make-up, so I washed it off.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I finish at six. How about after that?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I come round to yours. We have another go.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Nah. I'm done.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- What?- It's the Goth bird I want, not you.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- It is me, just without make-up. - Huh. Yeah, I don't think so.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- I could put it back on. - Oh, no. I wish it was that easy.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Once the curtain's been lifted, the fantasy's over.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It's like watching behind the scenes of Lord Of The Rings.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32The magic's ruined. Sorry.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Just so you know, you've got a teeny-tiny dick.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I know, I hate it. Can't do anything about it, can I?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Funerals are such a waste of flowers.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It's like, "Someone beautiful died,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"so let's kill all of these other beautiful things to celebrate."
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- I never thought of it that way. - Well, I'm a very deep thinker.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Oh, right, I can see that. - HE CHUCKLES
0:21:54 > 0:21:57So, did...did you ever find those shoes you were looking for?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The football boots? No.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Look, I know you don't think it's a very good idea, but I'm going to file a police report tomorrow.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Oh.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06What's the matter?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Sorry. I'm...I'm just worried about you.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Aw, that's nice,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12but don't be.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- I'm actually doing pretty well, considering.- Look, um...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18you know how when a cat dies,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20and people go out right away and buy another cat
0:22:20 > 0:22:22so that they've got something else to focus on
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and not have to feel bad about the first one passing away?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Well, you said yourself, you know,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29your biggest regret was not going to China with your dad.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33And...and he was gonna pay for that trip with what, you know, the boots.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36So, if you ask me, all you're doing
0:22:36 > 0:22:39is avoiding emotions about your father's death
0:22:39 > 0:22:41by focusing on something else.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46You know, that's why you're doing so well, because those boots are a tie to your father,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and, as long as they're out there, you...you can't let him go.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Maybe you're right. Maybe I am avoiding my feelings.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Yeah, exactly.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Well, maybe I just need something else to focus on other than boots.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Something else? Like what?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- What do you think? - Good...good idea. Yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- Hey, where's Scott? - Inside, hooking the old man up.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Good, good. So, listen, look.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37If you bump into Debbie, I had to use you as an alibi.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- What?- It's no big deal.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It's just that she...she found all my money,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44so if you see her, I said it was all the money you had left in the world
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and I was keeping it for you so you wouldn't screw it away.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49On what? Like gambling?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Right. Yeah. Gambling.
0:23:54 > 0:23:5965 years I was married to the same girl.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Joan Elizabeth. Oh, best lady in the world.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Well, that's beautiful. Good for you.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Not once did she give me a blow job.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Excuse me? - No matter how much I begged her.
0:24:10 > 0:24:1465 years of begging. But nothing.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Oh. Well, I'm sorry about that.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You ever had one?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21A blow job? Er...yeah, yeah, yeah, once or twice.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- How was it? - Oh, it's not bad.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- You're down-playing it, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28It's the best thing in the world, isn't it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Maybe.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, damn it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, well, too late now.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I'm gonna die without ever having had a blow job.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Well, I suppose everyone's got at least one regret.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Right? Ha.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Yeah.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Mm.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04That's a really nice thing you did for your father.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Ah, well, you know, the...the man's given me a lot, so...
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Chivalry. Call me.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Can I call you?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Absolutely not.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20OK, Arthur, if you just get into bed, then we'll, uh...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Arthur?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I want to live!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- What?- I can't kill myself now.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Not after discovering the meaning of life.- Oh, shit.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34BJ's aren't that great. Most women use their teeth.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38That's the beauty. The women in this place don't have teeth.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Are you sure you don't want to do this?- Why should I go off to see God when I just saw him?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Oh!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You stupid tit!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Sorry! I didn't realise a blow job was gonna make him want to live.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Then you're getting your blow jobs in the wrong place.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56That dick-smoking just cost us a bloody fortune!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Who cares? We just gave somebody the will to live.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- What could be better than that? - You son of a bitch!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I'm going to ham-sandwich your arse!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06THEY GRUNT
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Joseph Robert Copeland! Off your brother right now!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Have some respect. There's old people present.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Some day, Joey, you'll realise there's more to life than money.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Sorry. Sorry.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- What's wrong with him? - He's in love.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25How are you?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26What's up?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Guys...hey.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Oh, shit.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# I'll be a better man
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# This is the superstar luck machine
0:26:43 > 0:26:48# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# This is the superstar luck machine. #