0:00:02 > 0:00:03I want you to kill me. I'm Julia. Paddy's daughter.
0:00:03 > 0:00:07This is very exciting, isn't it? Our second assisted suicide in a week.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09And all together, now. Come on.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Start finding people at the old-age home
0:00:11 > 0:00:13that want us to help them finish themselves off, would you?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Wouldn't you love to be back with him?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16JOEY: Do you ever worry, with her being a copper, she might be a lesbo?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- My wife's not a lesbo.- Ah!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Are you still going out with that girl?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Didn't seem like she'd be any good in the sack.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- Is this the boyfriend? - I don't have a boyfriend.
0:00:26 > 0:00:26You're ripe.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I bet that pierced lip of yours would feel good
0:00:29 > 0:00:31against the delicate skin of my stinky pickle.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Get off your brother right now!
0:00:34 > 0:00:35There's more to life than money.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- What's wrong with him?- He's in love.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:00:42 > 0:00:45# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Condoms. Condoms.- Yes, absolutely.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Oh, I...I forgot condoms.- Um... I think I've got one in my purse.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Oh, you're amazing.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I got it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Argh!- What's wrong?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- What?- You screamed.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20With excitement!
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I usually wait longer than this, Scott.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I do. But this last week has just been...amazing.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I know. Why couldn't I have met you sooner?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It was my dad. He put us together.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- What?- If he hadn't have died,
0:01:35 > 0:01:36we never would have met.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39He arranged this whole thing. I sincerely believe that. Don't you?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Course I do.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47So, you ready? Cos I'm ready.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Absolutely, yeah, yeah.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Oh, shit. Erm...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Oh!- Wait.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Let me put it on, eh?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06(Go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away.)
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Scott?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09- What?- Um...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13..it's not, um...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. - No, don't...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- It's not you. I swear. - It's fine. Honestly, it happens.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- What, you've seen this before? - Yeah, of course.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28I mean, never in person, only on the TV. Yeah, but yeah.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Look, maybe we just need to... to start again, you know?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32How about Saturday night?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You come over, we have some wine, dinner, maybe a bit of dancing?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37And then whatever happens...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- just happens.- And it WILL happen.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I promise. Or I will cut the damn thing off.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Mm. Hello, Mr Science Man!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Would you like some pussy?
0:03:13 > 0:03:18Cos I'M probably more pussy than you can handle.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Now, THAT is real comedy. - Yes, like Shakespeare, only wittier.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You want to stick your hand in some pussy?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Cos you can stick your hand in me.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Leave me alone. I'm trying to concentrate.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31What you doing, anyway?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You get 14 years for assisting a suicide,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35so, basically, I'm saving our arses.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36See, after each suicide,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I fill the empty Pemrutox bottles with coloured water
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and place them behind the real drugs at the clinic.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44That way, everything always looks up to snuff.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Then I order a new shipment from the suppliers,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49so by the end of the week,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I can replace the water-filled bottles with the new ones
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and Dr Jill never suspects a thing.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Clever, eh? - You're the mutt's nuts, Scotty!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I can't believe you kept that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He used to torture me with that when we were kids.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I can't get rid of it. Grandad gave it to me the day before he died.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Yeah, and the day AFTER he died,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10he gave me a vintage watch worth £10,000.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Which you pawned five years ago to lose in a poker tournament,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- you twat.- Oh, so edgy.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Are you not relaxed since you've been buttering the muffin?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- THEY SNIGGER - What muffin?
0:04:20 > 0:04:25The lady's? You know, docking your dinghy in the hairy boathouse?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- It's none of your business. - He hasn't put it in.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- PHONE RINGS - Not even the tip.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Hello? Joey.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Mr Rothstein...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36So, what's going on with Julia? She's not fridge-iligious, is she?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- What the hell is fridge-iligious? - It's when you're religious
0:04:38 > 0:04:41and you're afraid God will strike you down for having sex for fun,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44instead of for babies, so you go frigid - you know, fridge-iligious.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, it's nothing to do with Julia. It's me.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Oh, shit. You can't get it up.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I can, just not with her. I've got a kind of mental block or something.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54The kind caused by homosexuality?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55No. It's just...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Look, I helped Julia's dad off himself and...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I guess I feel guilty about having a secret from her, that's all.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Oh, yeah. Of course. Impo-guilt. Very common.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Guys...we've got another one.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He's got some sort of degenerative brain disease.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Has it affected how he acts? - Oh, yeah. He's insane.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17He lights candles on Fridays, speaks some strange foreign language,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19wears a little beanie on his head.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Sounds like he's an Orthodox Jew, you twat.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Yeah, he's still a nut job. Not the nuttiest, though.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Right, Mr O'Malley? - I'm a little girl!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yeah, sure you are.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Mr Rothstein? - Ah, Joey, my son. Come in, come in.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- I didn't wake you, did I? - Ah, what difference does it make?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36By the end of the week, I should be asleep for ever.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Now, then, which one's your brother?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The one who looks like he hasn't had anything to eat, or the one who looks
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- as if he's had everybody else's food. - That's a bit mean.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm Scott. I'm the one who will be assisting you.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ah, Scott. Have you ever heard of Moses?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Baby in a basket with a beard? Yeah, sure.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He died on the 7th of Adar,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56exactly 120 years to the moment he was born.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The exact moment.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00A perfect circle,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03symbolising completion, wholeness and pure serenity.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Do you know why I'm telling you this? - Not a clue.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Because this Sunday morning at 6:47 is the anniversary of MY birth.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And it's also the moment that I want to die.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18This guy is Looney Tunes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And yet my hearing is fine.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Now, this is very important to me, Scott,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and I'm willing to pay a lot of money to make it happen.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26- Can you do it?- Of course I can.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29We'll get here early Sunday morning so you're all hooked up
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and ready to pull the plug any time you want.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32There is one caveat.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I can't do it without a Jew here
0:06:35 > 0:06:38to say the Shema with me before I die.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41And considering that what we're doing is illegal,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45I'm sure you wouldn't want me asking any of my Jewish friends.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Er...no, no, no, of course not. But, er...that's OK because, er...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Cozzo is Jewish.- I am?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I mean, I am, er...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh, of course...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57it had to be the schmuck.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Come here, schmuck.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I want you to have this as a gift for doing this for me.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04My father's tefillin.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He used to wrap them around his arms every morning and pray.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They're the holiest objects I possess, and I hope you like them.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Like 'em? Huh!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- These are at the top of my Jew-wish list.- Good.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Now, get out of here, everybody, and leave me alone.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20My daughter's bought me all of Doctor Who on DVD,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and I'm trying to catch up before I die.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32So, I finally got to this Fifty Shades Of Grey book, with the S&M.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- It's absolutely disgusting. - Well, hang in there.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- You might get a few ideas.- Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I could clamp your balls in a vice.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Mm. Do you know any Jewish people?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Jewish people? Yeah, of course I do. Linda's Jewish.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Linda's Jewish? I can't believe it. She seems so normal.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Cozzo! That's a terrible thing to say.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No, no, no, I'm not... not trying to sound judgmental.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56What I'm saying is Jewish people are bat-shit crazy.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I mean, look at this. They've got so many laws and customs.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Did you know they're not allowed to eat bacon?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Yeah, of course I know that.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Well, then, how do they live? - Without bacon.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08That's impossible. It's like trying to live without air - you can't.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12What is with you? Why the sudden fascination in Judaism?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Why? Well, cos, you know, with the little one on its way,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I...I think it's important to study all religions, you know?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21So we can teach him to understand others and...
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and live together in spiritual harmony.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I mean, even the freaky ones that cut off their dicks.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29If you're talking about circumcision, they only cut the foreskin off.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It's barbaric. I mean, baby's lying there, big eyes,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34brand-new to the world.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"Oh, fantastic! I've just been born! How exciting!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And then all of a sudden,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41someone just comes in and slices off his knob.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44You know, Mike, my boyfriend at university, he was Jewish.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47He had the nicest penis I ever saw.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Except for mine, of course.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Yeah. Yeah, of course.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00SLAP!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Damn fleas.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh, good. You're here.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- What is it? - Ginger's really declining.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08He won't even eat the chicken and rice no more.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- I don't know what to do. - OK, let's get him into the exam room.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38The woman's a mess. I'm going to need you to hold down her dog.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40You like holding down animals that bite, don't you?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Let's go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- He was always such an happy dog. - You can never be TOTALLY sure.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I mean, they can't talk.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Right.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Here we go.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, Ginger, baby!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02My sweet, sweet Ginge!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'd do anything to hear you bark again.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08DOG WHINES
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Holy shit! DOG BARKS
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Ginge? You're back. He's back!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15He didn't want to die!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's a miracle! Hallelujah!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Mwah!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I feel terrible. There's a woman out there
0:10:23 > 0:10:26that believes her dog is the second coming of Christ.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Did you know Jews don't celebrate Christmas?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Of course not. They're Jewish.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32But Jesus was Jewish. What a kick in the tits for the guy.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Which reminds me, did you ever get the drugs
0:10:34 > 0:10:35to help Mr Rothstein off himself?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Couldn't. The horny bitch I work for
0:10:37 > 0:10:40was hovering over me my entire shift, with her boobs in my face.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Oh, my God, that sounds awful. Is she taking anyone on?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45It's constant sexual harassment in that place.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Last night, when I was sweeping up, she smacked me on my arse.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Why don't you just poke her so she can get you out of her system?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I'd rather poke YOU.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I'm always open for business, Scotty. You can come in the back door.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh, I wish I could quit that job,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58but it's the only way we can get the drugs.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Actually, I know a guy that can get 'em for us.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- You what?- Yeah, he gets everything.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He got me some super-strong painkillers
0:11:04 > 0:11:07for after my fingers were broken. I felt so relaxed, I pooed my pants.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09How come you never mentioned this?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It was embarrassing. It went all down my legs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12No, I mean the guy!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15The only reason I've been putting up with the sexual harassment
0:11:15 > 0:11:17is so I could have access to the Pemrutox, you stupid knob!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- You know, a "thank you" would be nice.- Urgh!- Ah!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27- You all right?- All right?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29So, Joey here tells me you guys are interested
0:11:29 > 0:11:31in buying pharmaceuticals in bulk?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Can you arrange that?- I can get hold of pretty much anything you like.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Xanax, Vicodin, OxyContin, Adderall. What's your poison?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Er...er...Pemrutox.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- What the hell is that?- It kills dogs.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Whoa, whoa, whoa. You never said nothing
0:11:46 > 0:11:48about supplying you with stuff to kill dogs.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, no, no. We're not using it to kill dogs -
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- we're using it to kill people. - Joey!- People?!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Well, that's all right, then.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, thank God! I can finally get away from that arse-grabbing whore.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Could you get it by Saturday?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01We've got a job first thing in the morning.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03The earliest I can do is 9pm. Meet me here with a grand,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and I'll sort you out with a full box of shit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- A full box of shit.- Oh, no.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I just remembered. I've got a date with Julia, Saturday night.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- I absolutely cannot cancel. - Well, that's fine.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Give me your share of the money, I'll bring it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13That's a great idea. Cozzo,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I'll give you my share of the money, and you can bring it.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Don't you trust me?- Obviously not.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Fine. I'll see you then.- Excuse me.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Mr Drug Man, sir. Er...while we've got you,
0:12:22 > 0:12:23you don't happen to have any of those pills
0:12:23 > 0:12:25that give you an erection?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's just a, er...a friend of mine is having trouble getting it up.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Cozzo! What are you doing? - 20 quid each.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32For a bloody boner?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'll take one.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Cozzo? What is this I found under the bed?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Oh, shit.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49It's got boxes and leather straps. What is it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52It's part of my religious research, actually.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Turns out Jewish people tie themselves all up in it
0:12:55 > 0:12:58when they pray. I'm sure your, er...ex-boyfriend
0:12:58 > 0:13:00with his beautiful penis showed you that.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Oh, my God. Look at you.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- You're jealous.- No, I'm not.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Yes, you are.- Maybe a little.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Oh, Cozzo. You're so silly.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- So, they really tie themselves up, huh?- Yeah, they do.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Like on page 231 in my book?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- I've got a belt. - I've got some scarves.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Don't you have handcuffs? - Ah! Yes, I have.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Let's do it!- Come on, let's go!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31THEY GROWL AND SQUEAL
0:13:34 > 0:13:36BELL TINKLES
0:13:38 > 0:13:39- Hi, Neil. Where's the doctor? - Room 3.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Can you work Saturday night?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I've got a...a magic convention that I'd really like to go to.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Sorry, mate. I'm disappearing from this place for ever.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I'll teach you how to shuffle cards...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50magically.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58- There she is.- Hello, Scott.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, don't "hello, Scott" me.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I've had enough of your mouth telling me what to do
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and how to do it, especially with your face in my arse.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Well, that's all done with now, "doctor",
0:14:07 > 0:14:11cos when it comes to this stupid, dead-end, getting groped
0:14:11 > 0:14:13by my way-past-her-prime-boss job,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15you can blow it out of your arse,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17you psycho-nympho bitch!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19GIRL: Mummy, what's that man talking about?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22DOOR CREAKS
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Hi.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Sorry about that.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29And the dog.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Going to go now.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35DOOR CREAKS
0:14:35 > 0:14:37DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'm coming! Jesus! Hold on!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Let's go. Todd's waiting with the drugs.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- I don't think I can.- What?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Debbie's not feeling too good. It's the baby.- What?
0:14:46 > 0:14:47So you want me to go on my own?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- DEBBIE:- Cozzo? - I'll be right there!
0:14:49 > 0:14:51She's, er...she's been throwing up all night.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I can't go to a drug deal by myself. That's WAY too dangerous.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Too dangerous?! Christ, Joey. You're the toughest guy I know.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- What, not even for an hour? - DEBBIE:- My hands are turning blue!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03She's in a right mess.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- DEBBIE:- The blindfold's just fallen off.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Er...it's light sensitivity. It means the baby's growing.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08- Oh.- Right, here's my money.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And there's Scott's. Now go.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Look, Cozzo...- Shh. Just go.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- Cozzo...- Go!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Look...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- DEBBIE:- I really need to pee!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Not in the bed!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21MUSIC: "Mississippi Isabel" by King Charles
0:15:21 > 0:15:26# Well, I found out about her Her name's Mississippi Isabel
0:15:26 > 0:15:30# She grows wild strawberries She's made of ivory and pearl
0:15:30 > 0:15:35# To look at the universe She'd abandoned the world
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# I'd go with her to the darkness Abandon my life for this girl
0:15:39 > 0:15:44# I rode around on my bicycle all the way in the rain
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# She kissed me once I took her out for lunch
0:15:46 > 0:15:48# And she never kissed me again
0:15:48 > 0:15:52# I rode around on my bicycle all the way in the rain
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# She kissed me once I took her out for lunch
0:15:55 > 0:15:57# And she never kissed me again
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# Her beauty knows no tick of time She's the song of the nightingale
0:16:00 > 0:16:06# The torture and the remedy The tragedy in the passionate tale
0:16:06 > 0:16:08# And I begged for forgiveness... #
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Oh, shit.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- KNOCK AT DOOR - Shit! Shit! Shit!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Erm...er...be...be right there!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Scott?- Erm...yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Give...give me a sec! I'm...I'm just trying to make everything perfect!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31HE WHIMPERS
0:16:34 > 0:16:36What's going on in there?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm coming!
0:16:38 > 0:16:39HE RETCHES
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Oh.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54HE GASPS AND GROANS
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Ugh.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Eurgh.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Well, hello, my lady.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Oh, wow. This looks amazing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yes, I did.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I mean, er...yes, I did.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well... Someone's had some wine.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Ah, just a pigeon. Er...spigeon.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Spidge.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Smidge!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- I had a pigeon.- OK, then.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I just had one glass, I swear,
0:17:26 > 0:17:32but then I had another glass and... then I just kept on not stopping.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Everything's going to be fine.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Really?- Yes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Do you think I'm cute?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Very.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- You're welcome. - THEY BOTH CHUCKLE
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Yes, coming.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'm on my way.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- How are YOU feeling?- Good.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Yeah, great. I just, um... I feel bad about spilling the sauce.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05No, it's fine. They're only shoes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I can always...buy some more.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08What about your handbag?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- You spilt something on my handbag? - IN your handbag.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'm sorry. I just... I just want everything to be perfect.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17It IS perfect.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Then we'll just wait till taze phoo.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Taze phoo?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24"Phase two" is what I was...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26trying to say.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29First I'm going to lose the you.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32(The toilet.)
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Oh, right. Right.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- You're funny!- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38HAMMERING AT DOOR
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I got robbed!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Jesus! God! What happened?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Well, I was on the way to the drop,
0:18:49 > 0:18:50and these two enormous guys came up behind me
0:18:50 > 0:18:53and hit me over the back of the head and took everything!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- I tried to fight 'em, I really did. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Hold on, hold on, hold on. Where's Cozzo?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Debbie's sick.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04And they got me on the floor and they started punching me in the face.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Wait, wait, wait, wait. You...you were alone with the money?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I have never seen guys this big.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11It was like a weightlifter and a basketballer screwed each other,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12and they had twins,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- and then THEY screwed each other... - Ketchup?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17..then they hit me over the head with two ketchup bottles.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Are you fucking kidding me?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We've got a job first thing tomorrow
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and we don't have the drugs because you gambled away the money!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- I nearly doubled it. - We've got to go now.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I was so close! JULIA: Are you OK? It sounded like...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh, my God! What happened?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Er...Julia, this is my...my brother.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Some...someone hit him on the head with a ketchup bottle.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Wow! You are proper sexy.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Are you OK? - Yeah, he'll...he'll be fine.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I just need to get him to hospital, so someone can stitch his face,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44erm...but I'll be right back.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Well, maybe I should just go? - Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Cos, look, I've been looking forward to this night all my life,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and...and I promise you, please, I'll...I'll be right back.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Mwah!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- See you later.- No!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Can I help you, sir?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07There's something very wrong with my cat.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- What's the matter with it? - Here. Take a look.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Miaow!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14HE COUGHS
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Atchoo!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Can you hear how sick she is? - It's a puppet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20A puppet? What's that? Is that a...a breed or something?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21No, it's...it's a puppet.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Miaow!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Urgh! Urgh!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- She's so sad.- Your hand is inside of its arse and you're making it move.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31What are you talking about? What's he talking about?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Miaow. Don't know.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- So, now it speaks English? - That was just an accident.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- You're out of your head. Go! Go on! - Miaow!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Mee-ee-ee-eeh!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Go! Go away!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43HE RETCHES I don't like cats!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Don't like... Go, you stupid...stupid...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Fuck off! YOWLING
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Miaow! Ah!- You hairy mess!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Ah! Ah! Ah!- Hairy mess!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57HISSES I'm not afraid of you!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00MIAOWING AND YOWLING
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Scott?- Oh, no.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05What the hell are you doing here?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08What are YOU doing here? That's the question.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09- You're drunk.- You're tall.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I'm phoning the police. - No, no, no, no. Please.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I...I feel bad about how we left things,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and I just wanted to come and...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21How can I put this?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Don't say another word.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Please don't call the police.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I know exactly why you're here. - You do?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh, shit.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Oh! Oh, God!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41That was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And it was all because of you! You!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45What a waste of a perfectly good boner.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47But you did get the drugs, right?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Argh!- Ah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Ah!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Dick.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Julia?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Shit!
0:22:25 > 0:22:29OK, Mr Rothstein, you're all hooked up and ready to go.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31It's a real mitzvah, what you boys are doing -
0:22:31 > 0:22:33keeping a man from suffering like this.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- A real blessing. - That's why we do it.- And the money.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Mind you, no-one ever said you shouldn't earn a living.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Come over here, Cozzo.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Oh, it would be great to get a bacon bagel for breakfast, wouldn't it?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But we can't, cos we're Jewish.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Are you ready to say the Shema?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I've been ready since my Bar Mitzvah.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Sh'ma Yisrael... # COZZO MIMICS HIM
0:22:55 > 0:22:56# ..Adonai
0:22:56 > 0:22:59# Eloheinu
0:22:59 > 0:23:02# Adonai
0:23:02 > 0:23:05# Ehad. #
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Oh, that was beautiful.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Thank you. Although, I've never perfected that...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"clearing your throat" sound we all do so well.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And you know what made it even more beautiful?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17That you're not even Jewish.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What? No, of course I am.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- I'm a total munch.- Mensch.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Mensch!- Yes, you are.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Because you took the time to learn the prayer, and that's all I needed.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Now, bend over here so I can touch your head.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Why?- Just come down here.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35How many times do I have to ask?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38May God bless you and keep you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42May He shine His face on you and be gracious to you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46And may God lift His face to you and give you peace.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Amen.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Amen.- Amen.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What time is it, Scott?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58About that time.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Tell me when.- Seven...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02six...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04five...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07four...three...two...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10CLICK
0:24:23 > 0:24:25These people are crazy.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You're going to love the lattes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34They make little animals out of the foam,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and when you pour sugar on their faces,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39they kind of cave in and look like mentally challenged animals.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41That's nice.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43You're still upset about the other night.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Look, I may not know a lot about relationships,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- but I know when one's not working. - No, Julia. That's not true.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Oh, come on, let's be honest. You haven't been able to...
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Julia...- Which is fine.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54And maybe it is me.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56My left breast is a little bit lower than my right one.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58No, no! I love the smaller breast!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- I said lower.- That one too.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- You got drunk and ran away. - No, that was my brother.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Look. Some things work out, and others just don't,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09and that's life.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- But I love you.- What?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I do. I knew the second I saw you.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And, look, maybe you're not supposed to say this stuff so quickly,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19cos you'll scare the other person away,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22but if I'm going to lose you anyway, then you might as well know.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Scott...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Just give me another chance. Please.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Look, shall I get down on my knees?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- No.- I'll do it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30- Oh...- I'll get down on my knees.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Get up!- Not until you say OK.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33- Scott.- Say OK.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34OK!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Really?- Yes. Get up.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- I actually quite like it down here. - Stop it!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Here. Smile.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43CLICK
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Now, does that look like a happy couple or what?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Well, my left breast looks a bit small.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I'm sorry.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56I think I'm ready.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- What?- Let's forget the lattes.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02- Right.- I'll grab our coats.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- We'll go back to my place.- Perfect.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Here you go, so you don't miss me.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08SHE SNORTS
0:26:08 > 0:26:10MOBILE BEEPS
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Come on, let's go.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16What's this?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"Had a great time last night. Can't wait to do it again."
0:26:20 > 0:26:21No, no. I...I can explain.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Two lattes?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29You don't understand. She's my boss.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Shit.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42If it's a boy, I want to have him circumcised.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# I'll be a better man
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# This is the superstar luck machine
0:26:56 > 0:27:01# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# This is the superstar luck machine. #