0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08It's just that I helped Julia's dad off himself and...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I feel guilty about having a secret from her.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- I've got a belt. - I've got some scarves.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Don't you have handcuffs? - Ah! Yes, I have.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Oh, I wish I could quit that job.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- It's the only way we can get the drugs.- I know a guy that can get 'em. What's your poison?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I can finally get away from that arse-grabbing whore.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Cos when it comes to this dead-end,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27getting groped by my way-past-her-prime boss job,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31you can blow it out of your arse, you psycho-nympho bitch!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- 20 quid each.- For a bloody boner? - I'll take one.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Scott? What's going on in there?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hold on. We don't have the drugs because you gambled away the money!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Go away! - HE RETCHES
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- I know exactly why you're here.- Oh, shit.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh! Oh, God! That was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- Ah!- "Had a great time last night. Can't wait to do it again."
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56You don't understand. She's my boss.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- # Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine.- #
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No, Scott, stop! You can't do this!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- Course I can. It's easy.- Easy!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- I press down on this lever here, and within seconds, you're dead. - Dead!- Stop doing that.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Doing that! - No! I'm your bloody brother!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30- Please don't!- Please don't what?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Gamble away all the money we needed to buy Pemrutox
0:01:33 > 0:01:35so I have to nick it from work, nearly get caught by my boss
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and have to bang her to get her off my trail?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Is that what you mean by "please don't"?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I just meant please don't murder me, not any of that other stuff.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- You had to bang your boss? What was that like? - The worst moment of my life.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Really? Cos for me, sex is like pizza. Even the worst is good.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- After we kill him, can we go for pizza?- OK, OK, OK, OK! I get it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Look, it was my fault that you had sex with your boss, OK?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56But, really, what's the big deal?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58My girlfriend found out and left me, you cock!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- It's not my fault you don't know how to cheat! That's it. We're done. - Oh, no! Fine!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03OK. But I've lined up another client.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And if you kill me, I will never tell you who it is.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Who is it?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- HE LAUGHS - You see? There it is.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Now who's in charge?- Pull the lever. - Happily.- She's got terminal cancer!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17OK? I got talking to her at the King's.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And in fact, she said meet her back there in an hour.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I'm going to say this once, and once only.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26You're getting help with your gambling or you're finished.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Absolutely. If you've got a better tipster, then let me know.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You're going to a gamblers addiction support group, you stupid knob!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35There's a meeting tomorrow night, and we're taking you!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39It just depends what time. I've got a wine-tasting... No! OK! I'll reschedule!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- HE CHUCKLES - It's probably just sugar water anyway.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Go ahead. Try it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I will. Oh, yeah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Later.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- I've just brushed my teeth. - DOOR CLOSES
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Hey, Julia. It's Scott. Er...look.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I know I've left you, like, 50 messages,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09and that might seem a bit on the needy side,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11but I swear to God, I never intended for you
0:03:11 > 0:03:13to catch me sleeping with my boss.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16No, wait! No, no, no, no! That's not what I meant. I meant, um...
0:03:16 > 0:03:17PHONE BEEPS Oh, shit.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Hang on. Some dickhead's trying to call me.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Hello?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Stop calling me. - Julia, wait! Before you say anything, you are not a dickhead.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28You had sex with another woman during our date.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30We're done, Scott. It's over. Goodbye.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34But you haven't heard what I've got to say... Oh!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Hi.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Well, hello, handsome.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Er...may I?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02So, er...how are you feeling?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05A bit nervous. I mean, I've never done this before.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- No. Well, you... you don't get to do it twice.- Fair enough.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Just the once will be something.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Since my old fella died, I've been so lonely.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Right, er...can I just...?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Hello! Um...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Your name isn't Amanda, is it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- No, it's Phyllis.- Why?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Sorry for listening in, but are you... Are you Scott?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Cos I'm Amanda.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35God, I hate those self-service tills.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39You know, people say use the humans, but I hate them even more.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- HE SOBS - Cozzo, what's the matter?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Penguins.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, Jesus.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49This daddy penguin, he was sitting with his chicks
0:04:49 > 0:04:53when suddenly, this seal comes up on the beach and...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55well, cos our daddy penguin was a bit...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57He's a lard-arse, basically.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- HE SOBS - He couldn't waddle away fast enough,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01and the seal bit his frigging penguin head off.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And now his chicks have got no dad!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- HE SOBS - They're bastards!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Orphans.- All because he was a lard-arse.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- HE SNIFFS - What if that happens to me, Debs? Cos I'm a lard-arse too, you know.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Cozzo, I seriously doubt a seal's going to come into our house and eat you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Maybe if we lived in Eastbourne.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I can't imagine my little chick growing up without a father.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I've got to start shaping up.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28From here on out, I am done eating crap.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- That's it, finished. - Good for you, Coz.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I did just buy some stuff to make spaghetti Bolognese.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36But you know what? I'll throw it and I'll make you a salad.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I mean starting tomorrow. You... You can't begin these things in the middle of the day.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42That's not good for the digestive system.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44CLACKING ON TV
0:05:46 > 0:05:47HE CLACKS
0:05:47 > 0:05:49HE SOBS
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Amanda, you... You're too young for all this.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Mm, tell me about it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I mean, that old sow you were talking to just then,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I mean, what's she got left to live for?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- Random sex with strangers off the internet? - Oh, God, don't. I'll puke.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I mean, who'd miss her?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08And yet I'm the one who gets cancer.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I've spent half my life with it, beating it down,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12but the shit keeps coming back with a vengeance.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Fucking injustice of it all that gets me. I could have done so much more with my life.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Exactly. Why opt out now? What have the doctors said?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, don't talk to me about fucking doctors.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24They're clueless. Nothing they've tried has worked.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29- I've had more drugs pumped through me than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards combined.- I doubt that.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Yeah, well, it's been a lot.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And what good's it done me? I've got six months left, Scott, at best.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39If they told you in six months that you'd get run over by a car, would you kill yourself?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Yeah, I would if I had to spend those six months in agony
0:06:42 > 0:06:44with no control over my bowels whatsoever.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Fine. Look, here's my email.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Take a couple of days or months thinking it over
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- and then if...- When.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- ..you decide...- I've decided. - ..you want to do this...- I do.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- ..you'll write to me, but hopefully I'll never see you again.- I'll see you in a couple of days.- Great(!)
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I don't know what you're rattled about. Amanda's not that young.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Compared to the others, I'm performing an abortion.- Oh, God! It's just like drinking a lawn!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Look, I know you're trying to get into shape for fatherhood, but blended grass ain't going to do it.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, really? How many sick rabbits do you see?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I work in a vet's, so loads.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Look, there it is, room 103.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Sex Addicts Support Group. Can we go to that instead?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31That can't be a real thing, can it? Sex addiction?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Blokes'll use any excuse to bang other women. We're bloody geniuses.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, my God, Scott! You should use that on Julia.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- Use what?- "Sorry I screwed my boss, But I couldn't help it. I've got a disease of the dick." Joey?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Disease of the dick? That's brilliant.- Thank you.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Are you mad? I'd have to be desperate to use something like that.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Let's go.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Hi, guys. I'm Phillip. Welcome. - Just so you know, this is the one who's fucked up.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55We're just here to support the idiot.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Oh, shit.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Julia, I...I need to talk to you.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Scott, if you don't leave now, I'm going to call security over to Taser you.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I saw them do it to a shoplifter last week, and one of her eyes fell out of her head.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Just give me a minute, please. That's all I ask, and then you can...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26have them beat me over the head with this mannequin, if you like.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I would like. 55 seconds left.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I never wanted to tell you this, but I've got a sickness.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's something I've been living with for years.
0:08:34 > 0:08:3549, 48.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Have you ever heard of sex addiction?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Oh, Jesus! - It's a real thing, Julia! I swear! - It's a real thing that blokes say
0:08:42 > 0:08:45when they can't keep their dick in their trousers.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46I'm skipping straight to 15. 14...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Look, I know it really sounds like that, Julia, but it's true. The guys in the group...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, did I mention that I'm in a support group
0:08:52 > 0:08:54to help me fight this bastard affliction?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Cos...cos I am.- You're actually getting help for this?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59For years, but I... Look, I missed a couple of sessions.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I suppose I got cocky, what with things going so well between you and me,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and I fell off the wagon.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09But I'm trying to change, Julia. Really, I am.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I... I can't lose you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- You're serious about fighting this? - Serious? I... I want it licked!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17That's not the best choice of words, considering,
0:09:17 > 0:09:18but I do want to beat it.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21OK, that's another bad choice.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- I'm coming to a meeting.- What?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I want to see how committed you are to this.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Well, no. No, no, no, no, no.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30That... That would be irresponsible of me,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33bringing someone who looks like you into a roomful of pervs, you know.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37That'd be like tossing raw meat to sharks.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Not that I think of you as meat, you know. That's the old me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41So, you're just brushing me off? Is that it?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44What? No! No, no, no. Not at all. I...
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Look, if... If this is what it takes, then fine.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's a meeting tonight. Come with.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Just don't wear anything too revealing with those freaks.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56With my fellow freaks.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I'll be there.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58It's a date.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- No, it's not.- Right.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01- Can I have a hug?- Security!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm leaving! Don't Taser me. Thank you. OK. I'm going.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Scary man.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I really appreciate you being my sponsor, Phillip.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Means a lot.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I'm the one who should be thanking you, Joey. Helping others is one of
0:10:15 > 0:10:17the most important parts of my programme.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18That's great. By the way,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20can I still play poker?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Or...does that count?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Everything that involves gambling counts.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Oh, good. Makes it easier to remember.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Gamblers lie, Joey. You know that. We cheat.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31We deceive
0:10:31 > 0:10:35and we can never break that cycle till we learn to open up about our lives.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Now, if I'm going to be your sponsor,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39then you need to be absolutely honest with me about everything.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Everything?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Everything.- I don't like that shirt.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44- About yourself.- Oh.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- I quite like my shirt. - Remember...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49we're only as sick as our secrets, Joey.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- What are your secrets? - I really don't have any.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54None at all?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, maybe one. I'm not allowed to talk about it.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'm your sponsor. You can tell me anything.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01It's the only way you're going to get better.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Are you sure?- Positive.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05OK.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'm a third part owner of an assisted-suicide business.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Assisted what?- Suicide.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It's like a Dignitas clinic, only with less Alps.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17We've been going for a few weeks. We're doing really well.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- That can't possibly be legal. - No, it's not.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Never should be.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Open to so much abuse.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26So, that's it. That's all I've got. Is that OK?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28It's great, Joey.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I'm proud of you for telling the truth.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Really, really proud.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Cool.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I can't believe Julia's coming to this meeting. I don't even know what to do.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Just wait for someone to speak
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and then stand up and say, "See that, what he said? Me too."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Have a little cry, sit back down. Job done.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'm trying to win back the love of my life here. I think I should put in some effort.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Yeah, that's true. Is there any way you could give yourself crabs?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I mean, really show you've got a sex problem.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55She already thinks I've got a sex problem. I just need to figure out
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- how to act at the meetings. - Scratch a lot?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00We are fucked. I mean, totally screwed.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- And it's all your fault, you shit! - What did we do?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Oh, go to Gamblers Addiction Support Group? Get help?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'll tell you where it got me.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Some slimy dipshit on my back demanding two grand I haven't got,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12or he's going to go to the cops about our business.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13How does he know about the business?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16He's my sponsor. We have to be absolutely honest with each other.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Yes, so he can use it to blackmail you for two grand!
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Toxic money-spunker.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Look, we don't judge at meetings.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Anyway, I've blown all my money.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26So, you two have got to pony it up for me or we are done.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Un-fucking-believable!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Bacon, double cheese, fries and coleslaw?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Yeah, here.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Green salad?- That's me.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And that just leaves a double choc shake.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39That's me too.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I need something to take the taste away.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48This chip means everything to me.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Two years no contact with my qualifier.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I got my wife back. I got my life back.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Don't stop coming here, people. This thing works if you work it.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Thanks.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Thanks, Grant.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Thanks. OK. Now we've handed out the chips, we're going to begin open sharing.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Who'd like to start?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Er...er...I would.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Hi. Er...I'm Scott and I'm a sex addict. ALL:- Hi, Scott.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Oh, hey there.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31As you all know, I've been coming here for many, many years.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33But no matter how hard I fight,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36this damn disease keeps coming back with a vengeance.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Trust me, if this was cancer,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39they would have filled me with more drugs than...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Mick Jagger and Keith Richards combined!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44But there is no medicine for what we've got.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47No machines to hook us up to. And do you want to know why?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Because this is a disease of the mind.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yeah?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And it makes us do things that we don't want to do!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Like having sex with your boss. I took no pleasure in it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It was just base animal rutting,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06like two goats, where the nanny goat was, bluntly, a bit past it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09There was no love in it, no respect,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and the whole time, I kept thinking
0:14:11 > 0:14:16about what I was doing to someone that I truly cared about.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Oh, damn this bloody disease!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21This is how it gets! Just back me up here, people!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I was looking for love in all the wrong places, when I should have been looking...
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I should have been looking...
0:14:30 > 0:14:31I should have looked.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34OTHERS APPLAUD
0:14:39 > 0:14:41SIREN BLARES
0:14:49 > 0:14:50It's all there.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Now fuck off. - I appreciate it. I really do.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53It's been a terrible month.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Are you still gambling or are you behaving yourself?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Oh, like you give a shit. - No, don't be like that.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Just cos I'm enjoying a little lapse
0:14:59 > 0:15:00doesn't mean I don't care for my fellow sufferers.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Yeah, well, it's been tough, but I'm working on it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Good for you. You should be proud of yourself.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Me, I'm having a hell of a time.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I got an advance on a horse. I swore it was going to be a sure thing.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12I did the research. I did.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13It was the right track, right weather.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Everything was lined up for me to make a fucking fortune,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19then the gates opened up and the nag went straight out, broke its leg,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22fell to the ground and had to be shot, really tough luck.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHS Well, at least now you can pay for it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Oh, no, no. This money is covering a football match I lost last week.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31The horse thing happened this morning, and I need ten grand to pay for that.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Ten grand? - By the end of the week.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Or else I'm going to have to go straight to the cops. - Sorry.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Fancy a pint? My treat.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Four...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47SIGHS AND GRUNTS
0:15:47 > 0:15:48...five!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Hey, Hulk Hogan. There's someone here to see you.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53He's going to kill himself to stay alive for his baby.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55For your information, I've lost five pounds.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- You've gained four. - Yeah, I know.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Pass us that, will you?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Not that. The rubber thing.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Cozzo, you can't tell Scott, but I'm in the shit.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- What else is new? - Well, it's the amount.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11This time he wants 10K, or else he's going straight to the cops,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- and we are going straight to jail. - Uh-uh, I'm not going to jail.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Well, what am I going to do? - You're going to have to kill him.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Should I be getting diarrhoea from protein shakes? Or is that how they work?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm sorry. How exactly did you mean the word "kill" just then?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26As in stop him from being alive. I've got some serious raspberry runs.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'm not going to kill him, Cozzo. He's a perfectly healthy man.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Well, so am I, Joey.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I mean, I'm obviously not. Look at me.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36But if that penguin had a chance to kill the bitch of a seal before it killed him,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38he would have done it, understand?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39No.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Oh, my God. Open the window, boys.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Er...the stink means I'm losing weight.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yeah, you can smell the fat's burning off.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48This is our bedroom, Cozzo.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53There's no way I'm spending the rest of my life locked in the slammer,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55leaving my baby to grow up without a father.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Well, you kill him, cos I'm not.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- We'll do it together. - No fucking way.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04All right?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Did you tune the machine up?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Yeah. Here's the McFlurry of Death.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12The girl should die instantly.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Still doesn't feel right, this one. - What, because of her age?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I mean, it doesn't matter if she was wearing a BabyGro.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20We need the cash or we are totally screwed.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Listen, Scott. Look, I know you're nervous,
0:17:22 > 0:17:23but sometimes people have to die.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You know? For the greater good. Right, Joey?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30It's one thing seeing people off in their 60s...50s even. But this?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32She's doing the right thing, Scott. You know why?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Because she knows if you've got an impending problem,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36you deal with it head on before it gets worse.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Much, much worse. Right, Joey? - Yeah, that's more or less what she says.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43See? It's not just me who thinks it. I say we help her die.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Before it all gets nasty and there's no coming back.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Right, Joey?- Coming back from what?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- It's either her or us. - No, it's not.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54And sometimes a man has got to be a man.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56So let's be men. Right, Joey?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Right! Let's be men!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Sorry, did I miss something?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah, I lost five pound.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Do you like it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- It's an engagement ring. - You've got a fiance?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Well, I did have...till I got sick.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15So, he dumped you? What a ball bag!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16No, no, it wasn't like that.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I just... When I found out I only had a couple of years left,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I thought, do I really need to spend them
0:18:21 > 0:18:24hearing how this arsehole's career isn't going where he wants it to,
0:18:24 > 0:18:25putting up with the crap sex
0:18:25 > 0:18:28and the snoring and sitting through his box sets of Star Trek,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and the answer came back, "No, fuck him."
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Cried his eyes out. Huh.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Pussy.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Do you want it?- No, thanks.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44CAR HORN BLARES
0:18:45 > 0:18:47You wanker!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Hey, Joe. Give us a hand with this, will you?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Where did you get this place? It's dismal.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Remember my mate Frank Thompson?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Seven feet tall, red Mohawk, covered in tattoos, no left arm.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Vaguely.- Yeah.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11He's letting me borrow it while he's out of town at a dentists' convention.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- It's perfect, isn't it? - Yeah, what if someone finds out?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15No-one's going to find out nothing, as long as we don't tell anybody
0:19:15 > 0:19:18we killed the toxic money-spunker, understand?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Right.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Now, let's swear on our cocks.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23- We'll take this to our grave.- What?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I swear, on my cock, I won't tell anybody we killed him.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Now you swear on your cock. - Do I have to?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Yes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- I swear on your cock...- Your cock!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- OK, fine.- I swear on your cock...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Say, "My cock"!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- But I love my cock.- Just say it!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41OK, fine.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I swear on my cock that I won't tell anyone we killed him.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Good.- But yours more.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48I swear on my cock. I swear on my cock!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:19:56 > 0:19:58DOOR SQUEAKS There he is.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- I didn't think you'd find it. - No, no.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Just placing a couple of big bets. I can't stop.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05This where you live?
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Yeah. No, no. I was going to buy a flat but you keep taking my money.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, speaking of money, where is it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- Right here!- What the...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16What the fuck are you doing? Get off me!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Aah!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Get off me! Get off me!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23So, Scott...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Is there a lucky lady in your life?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29There's a lady, yeah, only I don't know how lucky she is.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You don't give yourself enough credit. You're quite sweet.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Which makes up for the fact you're not the handsomest guy in the world.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Has anyone ever told you you can be a bit of a bitch?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41SHE LAUGHS
0:20:41 > 0:20:43No. I'm just being honest.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Healthy people lie all the time,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47because they know they're going to live long enough
0:20:47 > 0:20:49to face the ramifications if they don't. It's only when you're going to die
0:20:49 > 0:20:52that you know there's nothing more powerful than telling the truth.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53It's not always that easy.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Hm. Well, I guess it's probably easier for me. Having cancer.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I mean, I can say anything and everyone cuts me so much fucking slack.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Because what are they going to do? Kill me?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Huh! That's a laugh.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Always tell the truth, Scott. Trust me, it works.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Right.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16So...what are we doing here?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Um...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22well, all you have to do is pull this lever and then...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- You're going to die. - What did I do to you?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26My wife is having a baby!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's not mine! I swear! I never even met the woman!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32No, but if you tell the coppers about our business,
0:21:32 > 0:21:33then my kid grows up without a father.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yeah, but she'll probably have boyfriends and a string of uncles, but...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Oh, shut up, Joey.- Yeah.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39The main point is we can't risk you blabbing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42So, to keep us out of trouble, we're going to kill you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I swear to Jesus I won't tell anyone.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48No, don't trust him. What did you say about gamblers?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- We cheat, we deceive... - Yeah, but...
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Oh, say goodbye.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Goodbye.- Enjoy being a bitch, wherever you end up, Amanda.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Thanks.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Beam me up, Scotty.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Actually, you, er...beam yourself up.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Right.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07So, here we go.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08On three.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11One.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Two.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Three.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18What happened?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- You're supposed to drop it. - You didn't drop it either.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Cos I didn't see you dropping it.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Yeah, but you didn't say, "Drop it now."
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Nobody says, "One, two, three, drop it now."
0:22:24 > 0:22:26You didn't say you weren't going to say, "Drop it now."
0:22:26 > 0:22:27It was implied when I said, "Drop it on three"!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Yeah, well, is it supposed to be, "One, two, drop", like it's the three?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Or is it the four?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Four? It's always, "One, two, three, drop."
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Otherwise we'd drop it on "two", and nobody ever drops anything on two.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Well, we can't do this anyway. It's going to make way too much mess.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40HE SOBS
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You're right, Frank'd go crazy.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44He'd beat us up with his one good arm.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46How are we going to kill him, then?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48SOBBING
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- I'm really sorry about this. - Yeah, sorry.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- SOBBING - Shut up!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Julia! What...what are you doing here?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I suppose I'm catching you screwing around on me. That's what I'm doing here.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Screwing around?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04You didn't even last a day. You didn't even try.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Hang on. Did you follow me here? - Don't try and put me in the wrong!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You've pushed me far enough already! Just tell me the truth, Scott!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Julia...- The truth, for once.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17OK, OK. I'll...I'll tell you the truth.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Last week I met this girl in a pub, and...
0:23:28 > 0:23:29And?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32And she...
0:23:32 > 0:23:33And she what?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And I was shagging her.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Just like you suspected. I...I'm so sorry.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43See?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Being honest. It's all I ever asked for.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47So, you're OK with this?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49No.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I hate your guts for this.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55But it makes ending this joke of a relationship much easier.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Have a nice life, Scott, because I'm going to make damn sure that I do.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Julia, no! You don't understand! You...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Just...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05DOOR SLAMS, CAR ENGINE STARTS
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- VEHICLE LEAVES - Julia! Wait! Julia!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Shit.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14MOBILE PHONE QUACKS
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Scott, we have got another one.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He is in agony.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh! My diseases!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh! My skin!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30He's putting a brave face on it but he's got it really bad!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Text me the address. I'll be right there.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37CAR REVS AND SOUNDS HORN
0:24:39 > 0:24:41You...prick!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47MOANING
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, my God!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- What's going on?- It's this poor guy with his terrible...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- terrible... Joey?- Blood disease?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Thank you. He's got really shitty blood.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Why has he got a bag on his head?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03It's the blood thing. It's got to his face.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It's so shitty.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Jesus Christ!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08This is the bloke from your gamblers group.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11There was nothing wrong with him three days ago.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Goddamn blood diseases! They're so fast and...shitty!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Aah! They're trying to kill me!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- You don't say(!) - He tried to blackmail me
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- for more money!- It's not my fault! I'm an addict!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I couldn't help it!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I just needed some money to help me get through a bad patch!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Please! You can't let them do this to me!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I swear I'll back off! I won't breathe a word. On my daughter's life!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Please let me go! Please!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34No, no, Scott, you can't do this! He's a gambler!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- You cannot trust him!- Yeah.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38But he's also a dad, and I know what that means.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Just go home, get out of here.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Thank you. Thank you so much!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45If I'd known you were a father, well... Cos I'm going to be one too, see?
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Have my own little penguin. They can't grow up without us. They need us so much.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It's the seals we've got to watch out for, and I was almost a seal.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's all right. I understand.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Oh, and by the way, I haven't got a daughter, you stupid dick!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06But when yours comes, it won't ever know its dad,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08cos I'm going straight to the cop shop!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11You are so fucked, the lot of you!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15TYRES SCREECH
0:26:20 > 0:26:22DOOR SHUTS
0:26:23 > 0:26:25So, who's for pizza?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# So I get a hold of fame and I shine it on me
0:26:36 > 0:26:40# I'll be a better man This is the superstar luck machine
0:26:40 > 0:26:46# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #