0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I helped Julia's dad off himself. I feel guilty having a secret from her.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- The truth. For once. - I was shagging her.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13That makes ending this joke of a relationship much easier.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Shit!
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- Is summat going on?- Yes! It's called work.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Like what your music producer does but instead of going "la-la-la-la",
0:00:19 > 0:00:20I go "typety-type-type".
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- What about the money?- What money? - In your drawer!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Where did it come from?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I'm a third part owner of an assisted suicide business.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28That can't possible be legal.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29We are totally screwed.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I'm going straight to the cop shop!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33HE LAUGHS
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:00:41 > 0:00:42# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Julia?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Julia!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- Julia! - Er, wait. Er, sorry...
0:01:01 > 0:01:02No, stop! I...
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Julia!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You've got it all wrong!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I never slept with her.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21You two are fucking repulsive, you know that?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I've never seen Debbie like this. Screaming, crying.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33This morning, when I left,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35she was like, "Don't leave me, Cozzo. I don't want to be alone."
0:01:35 > 0:01:37This baby's making her mad.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I heard, when the foetus wees inside the womb,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42the urine mixes with the mother's brain juices.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Screws with her mind.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46That's hormones, you pillock, not foetus wee.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Where d'you think hormones come from?- Oh. Good point.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Hiya, fellas. >
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Cider, please, and refills for my mates.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, someone's cheerful. Back with your lady?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55She letting you do it in her bum yet?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sadly, we're not back together, no.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Never done it in the bum. What's it like?- Not good after a curry.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02What do you think about the three of us going away for a holiday?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- What's the occasion?- Who cares?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Can we come back after Debs has had the baby?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Like, after it's out of her but before her tits have got small.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I need to get away, clear my mind for a bit. I thought,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"The business is doing well, let's splurge on a corporate retreat".
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I know the perfect place! They do these overnights at the zoo
0:02:16 > 0:02:18where you can cuddle a gorilla doped up on sedatives.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- That sounds brilliant!- I know.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I've also heard they're doing sleepovers
0:02:22 > 0:02:24at an abandoned mental hospital in Mudchute.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27There's no lights, you sleep on the floor, and all night long
0:02:27 > 0:02:30they pipe in screams through the air vents. How's that sound?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I'd rather have my balls chewed on by a dog.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Come on! You'd sleep the night in a mental hospital, right?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Don't know why I've waited till now!- Same(!)
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Thank you. I mean, what?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I want to do something a bit more upmarket.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Like Longwood Heights Hotel. Beautiful scenery, great food.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- What do you say? - I'd love to, I really would.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It's just going to be a bit tricky with Debbie.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49She's a total mental case.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52In fact, I wish I could drop her off at the funny farm in Mudchute.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Hormones?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Foetus wee.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Debbie, I'm home!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Oh, shit. Debs?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04What's the matter?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- I got a case.- A case of what?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10They gave me a case, Cozzo! I'm going to be a detective!
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- Debbie, that's fantastic!- I know. I've been bugging the sergeant
0:03:14 > 0:03:16for years and he finally gave me one as a test!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Good for you, sweetheart. Good for... Whoa,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20careful you don't squash the baby.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- Are you happy for me? - Course I'm happy!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I was worried you would be in one of your usual mentally deranged,
0:03:26 > 0:03:27schizzed-out moods, so that when I asked
0:03:27 > 0:03:29if I could go away for the weekend with the boys
0:03:29 > 0:03:31you would go all batshit crazy.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33But you're not that way, which makes it...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- so much easier to ask. - I see!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38So you're not really happy for me, you're just happy for yourself.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41No, no. No, I'm happy for the both of us.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Can't I be happy for the both of us?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46So? I can, right? I mean go away.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Course you can, Cozzo.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51As a matter of fact, I'd like it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It would give me a few hours not to have to look at your face.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56See that? That's terrific.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01You're the best, you really are. I'm so happy for the both of us.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06# The brightest lights cast the darkest shadows
0:04:06 > 0:04:11# And that's where I'll be found... #
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Shit a dick!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Look at this place. It's gorgeous.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- What did I tell you? - I don't know. What?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20That it's gorgeous.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Why do you have to take the credit for everything?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24May I take your bag, sir?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Why? So you can rifle through my pants,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28steal a pair of jeans, maybe a shirt?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I know your kind, mate.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I've been your kind.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I'm not interested in your clothes, sir. You're not my size.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39That's true. There you go, little man.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45No, here, here, you don't have to take that.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Probably a coffee maker included in the room, right,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50a big-shot place like this?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Why the hell did you have to bring that thing along?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I can't keep it in the house any more!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Debs is a detective now. She can figure things out.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02How long you been married, Debbie?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, hi, Sarge. Five years next month.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I'm going on 20 this weekend.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Congratulations!- Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09I want to die.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11How's the case coming?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12All I've got to work with
0:05:12 > 0:05:15is this distorted thumbprint they pulled off the old man's knob.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- How did they do that? - His doorknob.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Oh, right.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- It is distorted, though.- Mm.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I think it's a scar. Or not. I don't know.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I've got to be honest, Sarge, I don't think this is a murder case.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33It's...just some old-aged pensioners committing suicide.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35How I envy them.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Keep on it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- HE CHUCKLES - Get this.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43You push a button on your phone
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and they send a girl straight to your room to have sex with you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- No, they don't. - Yeah, they do. Look.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"In-room holistic massage." Holeistic!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Get it? Hole. You get it? Hole!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I get it, you twat.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59But all that means is the entire body is treated as a single entity.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Yeah. A single entity they stick in their hole.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I wish I could get myself a massage.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04So get one.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06No way I'm going starkers in front of a stranger.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Why, cos you're fat?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10It's cos I come down with a slight case of arthritis in my shoulder.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13When I pull my shirt over my head, I get an enormous pain in my...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Yes, because I'm fat!- Look, Cozzo,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18we are miles from home. Out here, we can be anyone we want.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Look, I'm down this way. See you both at dinner.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Which hole does the entity go in, again?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24HE CHUCKLES
0:06:46 > 0:06:48GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:51 > 0:06:52HE SIGHS
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Julia liked bread.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Oh! Would you stop thinking about her?- I can't.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00She was just so beautiful.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- I bet she still is.- Not helping.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Look, just pretend her face was horribly burned in a fire.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- That should make you feel better. - Yeah, great, all better(!)
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- There you go!- Good evening.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I need no introduction.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Commence.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16PIANO PLAYS "RULE BRITANNIA"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# In tropical climes there are certain times of day
0:07:23 > 0:07:26# When all the citizens retire
0:07:26 > 0:07:28# To tear their clothes off and perspire... #
0:07:28 > 0:07:30What a ponce!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Don't you recognise him?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35It's Nigel Banks from Rogue Irish Detective.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37O'Flaherty from the '80s cop show?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- No way!- It is!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41# Oh, the natives grieve when the white men... #
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Imagine him saying
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"D'ya be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:48- God, it is him!- Yes!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51# "Papalakapapalaka boo" That's natives.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54# Digadigadigadigadigadiga doo That's bollocks... #
0:07:54 > 0:07:55I didn't realise he was gay.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59He's not gay. Shut the fuck up.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00That man inspired me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02To what, have sex with men?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Shut up!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06# Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one
0:08:06 > 0:08:10# But Englishmen detest a siesta
0:08:10 > 0:08:11# In the Philippines...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14# They have lovely screens to protect you from the glare
0:08:14 > 0:08:16# In the Malay states they have hats like plates
0:08:16 > 0:08:18# Which the Englishmen won't wear
0:08:18 > 0:08:20# At twelve noon, the natives swoon... #
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Oh, shit!- What's wrong?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It's Lucie.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26# Go out in the midday sun... #
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Is that the bloke she left you for?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Or was it her music producer?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Wow! Talk about trading up.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- You're not helping. - I'm not trying to help.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34No, it's true.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38She said I was going nowhere and she was right. I am nowhere.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39What are you talking about?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You're a professional illegal euthanist.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43That's huge! I say, go get her.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45What's the point?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Well, getting over Julia.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50What better way than to dip your wick in a bird who's rejected you?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Throw your success in her face.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And then your tiny knob.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I can't just muscle in on a girl. It's not the kind of guy I am.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Which is exactly why you should do it.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01We're miles from home, remember?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04We can be anyone we want. Hm?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07# Even caribous lie around and snooze
0:09:07 > 0:09:08# For there's nothing else to do
0:09:08 > 0:09:10# In Bengal, to move at all
0:09:10 > 0:09:11# It's seldom if ever done
0:09:11 > 0:09:14# But mad dogs and Englishmen
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# Go out in the midday, out in the midday, out in the midday
0:09:16 > 0:09:19# Out in the midday Out in the midday
0:09:19 > 0:09:22# Out in the midday Out in the midday sun! #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Excuse me.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Thank you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Well, here's another one I wrote.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Yes!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45# Eeeeh... #
0:09:45 > 0:09:47MURMURING
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I don't care if it's never been done before,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54get the women prepped for surgery.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Once I save her unborn triplets, then I'll save her!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Scott?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Putting you on hold.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Yes?- Lucie?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, my God! I didn't even... Let me get rid of this.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09New plan - stabilise the patient for 12 hours then call me back.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Lucie! Hey, how's it going?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You're a doctor now? Since when?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Since Oxford's experimental accelerated degree programme.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19They identify individuals with an aptitude
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and then give them an entire med school education in two weeks.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25It's like Hogwarts, only the pump you full of drugs so you learn faster.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- That's incredible. - Yet credible. I'm Scott.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Eddie. Nice to meet you, mate.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Wait, weren't you part of that Afghan relief team I was on?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36When we brought antibiotics to Kandahar Province
0:10:36 > 0:10:37and cured that whole village of cholera?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40No, um... I'm a music producer.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh. Well, that's important too.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I can't believe it, this is Scott?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47She made you sound like such a loser!
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Hah!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- No, I didn't actually say... - No, no, no, it fine.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51I was a loser.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56You know, I had this amazing, spectacular girl and I blew it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59My loss, your gain, and good on ya.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh, no. Let me get these.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03For old times' sake.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- My God.- What?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Oh, this. Yeah, you'll be surprised how much of my business is cash only.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Anyway, this should take care of a couple of rounds.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Enjoy the rest of your evening.- Wait.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You, um... You want to join us?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I couldn't.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Come on, man, I insist.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'm yours till 10 tomorrow.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- MAN FARTS - Mr Banks?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I really enjoyed your performance.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Oh, that's sweet..
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Now piss off.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I, um, I'm Joey.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I've been a fan of yours for years, but I didn't realise you could sing.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And I had no idea you wrote Hey Jude.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47That was brilliant.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I couldn't give two farts in a splash
0:11:49 > 0:11:51what you thought of my performance.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Oh!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And if you came here looking for O'Flaherty's autograph
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I hope you've got a big dick...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00cos I'd like you to go fuck yourself.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02HE SWIGS BOTTLE
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Ah, for fuck's sake.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I loved you since I was nine.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I had your poster on my bedroom wall.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I used to play Rogue Irish Detective with my brother.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He'd run out the house and I'd chase him
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and throw rocks at his head until he fell down.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You were my hero.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Get my bag.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I'm going upstairs for a drink.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And at that moment you know
0:12:35 > 0:12:39that whether that little girl lives or dies is entirely up to you.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You're holding her heart in your hand.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Literally, cos you know, you're holding her heart in your hand.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46It's really profound.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50But I'm sorry, I interrupted your story
0:12:50 > 0:12:52about doing flaming sambuca shots with Maroon 5.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Oh, no, that's all right. Yours was better.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Anyway, she made it.- Oh, crap.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I could go on like this all night, but I...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I got to hit the sack, I'm playing golf in the morning.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Well, it's only half-ten.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yeah, and I've got 6am tee time so I need my sleep.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Got to get that handicap down, don't you?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Boy, do you ever.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Well, OK.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Oh, no. No, no, stay. Catch up, you're having fun.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Night, babe. So good meeting you, Doctor.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You too, music producer.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Can you believe him? For golf?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I was selfish too once. But somehow,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- during my time in the Afghan desert...- Buy me a drink.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Whisky for the lady, keep them coming.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38And then all of a sudden, you smash your fist through the car window
0:13:38 > 0:13:40and you grab the bloke by the hair, and you start bashing his face
0:13:40 > 0:13:44against the steering wheel, "Tell me where the money is
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- "or I'll..." - TOGETHER:- "Knock yer bollocks in."
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Yes!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I hated that. - Oh, I know, it was incredible!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Will you do your catchphrase? - Oh, no, no, no.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Oh, please!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I swore I'd never say those words again.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, come on!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06D'ya be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Did you know...
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I was an actor once.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Yeah! I know, my and my... - A real fuckin' actor.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20I played King Lear at the National, Richard III at the RSC, Hamlet.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Sorry, I'm not familiar with those.- But fame...
0:14:24 > 0:14:25..success...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Those are dandelion seeds on the wind.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34What's important is love.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35True love.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Finding someone to grow old with.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And I've cocked that up as well.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Five marriages.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Five divorces.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51And all that's left is a hopeless, lonely old lovey in a shiny tuxedo.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Joey.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57I'm done with this life.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59What are you talking about, you're done?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You've just started.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I think about it constantly.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Standing on the Tube platform.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Take a step, gone.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10And the London Eye,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12open the hatch, gone.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16At the butcher's.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Head into the meat slicer...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20gone.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22The only thing that's stopping me...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24it would hurt.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It doesn't have to, you know.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35You haven't been with anyone since me? Really?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Well, I've had my chances,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40but it's like every time I feel the blood rush to my penis,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I think that's blood that could be used
0:15:42 > 0:15:44to save the life of a Ugandan boy with AIDS.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Wow. You're so...
0:15:47 > 0:15:48full of shit.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- What?- Experimental accelerated degree?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Prenatal heart surgery?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55A favourite scalpel named Helena Bonham Carver?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Yeah, I sensed that might be a step too far.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You must really want to get up in my knickers.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01No, no, I, just... You know, I...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Yeah, OK, maybe I do.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- Scott.- What now?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11It's important.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I have a tongue...in my mouth.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15We all do.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I have two, now go away.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It's a matter of life or death.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20All right, Lucie?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Ooh, life or death.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Go ahead, Doctor, shall I meet you in your room?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Yes, right, um, here.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28I'll be up in five minutes.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- See you later.- No!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Yeah.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- HE FARTS - Oh, God.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Oh, I can't do this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48I'm sorry, I...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51But the McFlurry of death is right in the boot of the car.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I don't care if it's tied round your waist like a tutu.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55We are not helping Nigel Banks kill himself.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Wait, Nigel, that old nelly from the telly?- He is not a nelly.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01He's a sad old man whose best years are behind him
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and he's looking forward decent way out.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What's that smell?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06So he's not ill, then?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Exactly! He's not ill,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10so we are staying well, well out of it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12He's ill! He's plenty ill.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14He's got a sickness of the soul.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Who are you, Lord Byron? - He's got nothing to live for.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20He's in terrible pain. Isn't that what we try to help people avoid?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Fellas, can we wrap this up? Cos I got a masseuse coming.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Nice one.- Ooh, look at you! - Thanks.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27It's murder, you stupid git.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's mercy, you cold-hearted bastard.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31OK! Enough! Sit down!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35As my father used to say to me,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37at times like this the individual
0:17:37 > 0:17:39must bend to the will of the majority.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43You two have put me in an extremely difficult position.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45But after careful consideration,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I Cozzo, am prepared to cast the deciding vote.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51There's not going to be any vote.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Thank God, cos I didn't know where I was going with that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Only one of us is medically competent to administer the Pemrutox - me.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And I'm not going to do it. It's wrong and it's immoral.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have meaningless sex with my ex.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I mean, how often do you get the chance to help kill someone
0:18:09 > 0:18:10that means so much to you?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Feel for you, Joey.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Er, Mr Costigan?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'm Ryh Ming.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Leave now.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Wait. Wait.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Why?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Do you want to do it?- No.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I'm... I'm afraid I'm doing this for a bad reason.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37What?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40What could possibly be a bad reason to have sex?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- DOOR OPENS - Thank you, I just...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Bloody hell!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Eddie! Hiya.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Oh, crap!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Hello, Doctor.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Ring if you need anything else.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49What are you doing here?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52When I realised I'd left my mobile in your handbag,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Find My iPhone said it was here, which never made no sense.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Till now.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Eddie, listen.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Really, I'm seeing this through your eyes and it definitely
0:19:00 > 0:19:03looks like something's happening, but the only thing that's happening
0:19:03 > 0:19:04is that nothing is happening.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07So you two aren't, say, five seconds from shagging?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08We were never shagging.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Your genitals are touching in a shag position.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Yes, fair, but right when you came in,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- I was telling Lucie how I didn't want to do it.- He was. Swear to God.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Why not?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Er... I'm not sure. Repeat the question?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Why don't you want to shag my girlfriend?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- What, you think she's ugly? - Yeah, d'you think I'm ugly?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31SPLUTTERING: No, no, you're extremely...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Look, could you get off me? You're kind of colouring my response.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Look, look, Lucie is great.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38You are just...wow!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Great! But there's this other girl in my life, Julia,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46and we really had something and now she won't even talk to me.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48So, you were just using me to get over Julia?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Right!- You don't really want Lucie at all?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Exactly! Oh, this is so much easier to explain.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54HE CHOKES
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Can't believe you just...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Who punches someone in the neck?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Mmmm!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You're amazing.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Thank you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Should've done this years ago. It feels...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14just so...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Is everything OK?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Everything's fine. - Too hard?
0:20:29 > 0:20:30In a way.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Susan Boyle before the makeover, Susan Boyle before the makeover.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Susan Boyle after the makeover.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Let me try something different.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- HE SHRIEKS - A million times worse!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I'm married. I can't. I...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Please don't.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Get back! Get back! Get back!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Are you sure you want to do this?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yeah, don't worry about me.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Once you've done the old Aer Lingus to Angela Lansbury,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00you know, you're no longer afraid of dying.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- HE CHUCKLES - OK.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- NIGEL:- Go on. Stick it in me.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Don't be shy, I can take it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- JOEY:- I've never done this before. - Ah, you're doing great.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Don't you worry about me.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18It doesn't hurt at all.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Now push. Go on!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Joey! Joey!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Joey! Can I borrow Joey for a moment, please?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Can you come back later? - Are you having gay sex with Nigel?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30What?! No.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Then what are you...? Is that rubbing alcohol?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Yes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Yes! It's for the gay sex.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's for the gay sex. It's for the gay sex.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh, my God. You tried to do it yourself?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I thought it was easy, but these veins are tricky buggers.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47We are not putting down a healthy human being. It's wrong.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Who is this lanky prick and what is he on about?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I cheated on Debbie with the masseuse.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Oh, Christ!- We were going along, tame as you please,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59when all of a sudden, Corporal Costigan snapped to attention.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I've never seen him like this.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I just ran up four flights of stairs and he's still...
0:22:03 > 0:22:04eyes front.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Eye front!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08You think you cheated on Debbie because your this when like this?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Are you mad? Get out! I'm dealing with something important here!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13This is important.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15You aren't married so you can't understand.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18But on a special morning nearly five years ago,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I swore a sacred vow to Debbie
0:22:20 > 0:22:22to love and cherish her, forsaking all of this.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And now she's carrying my child a boy, please, God.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28So, for my todger to be...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31pointing at some Oriental finger wizard,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35I just hope I haven't ruined the one thing in my life I ever got right.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Oh...
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Well...
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Good night, all.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Wait. Wait, wait. What about killing yourself?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Yeah, I think I might push that back a bit,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53because if this hairy pig in a diaper can find love, well,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55maybe there's hope for me after all.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Thank you. That is so sweet.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And as for you, Joseph,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02thee'll will be wanting a knuckle supper, boyo!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12DOOR OPENS
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, Debbie.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Thank God you're here.- Hey!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Did you have a good time?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Don't ever let me go away again.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You were only gone for a night!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It only takes a night.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- It only takes a night for what?- I promise,
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I'll never leave you again, Debbie.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Who was it, Cozzo?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Some floozy at the bar?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Was it a prostitute?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35It's the guys' fault.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38They begged me to get a massage. I didn't mean to pop a chub.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Pop a what?- A stiffie, a boner, a sconge, a jimber.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It just happened. I didn't know what to do.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- So, you had sex with her? - Sex? Are you mad?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I kicked her straight out. But the damage was done.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50I failed you, Debs.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I'm so, so sorry.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55HE SOBS
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I do forgive you, Cozzo.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02But only if you've learnt your lesson.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I've learned it. I've learned it, Debbie.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I swear to God, I've learned it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I... I just want to be sure, what...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10what was it I learned exactly?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12That you're to think about me for once
0:24:12 > 0:24:15instead of always thinking about yourself.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What's that got to do with my throbbing gristle?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Did you learn it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Yes, definitely. I learned it completely. Absolutely.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23As a matter of fact,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25how about I take you upstairs and give you a massage?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- I'd like that.- And then you could give me one too.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Or not.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You know, it just depends.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'll give you one this time.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Julia.- Oh, shit.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I need to talk to you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Look, Scott, you can apologise all you want.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I'm not here to apologise or beg for forgiveness,
0:24:46 > 0:24:47or for you to come back.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I know I'm leaving here without you and there's nothing I can do.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Then what do you want? - I need to tell you the truth.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I know the truth. I saw you coming out of that girl's apartment.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58The truth about your father.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What would you know about my father?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04When he was dying, he...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He wasn't just...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10We became friends and...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14..he was in pain and...
0:25:14 > 0:25:18he didn't want to pass that pain onto the people that he loved, onto you,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20so...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23the whole thing was his idea. He...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26He asked me to...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27to help him.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30To...
0:25:33 > 0:25:34You didn't...?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I was with him all the way to the end and...
0:25:37 > 0:25:40it was sad and amazing and...
0:25:40 > 0:25:44We laughed and cried together and when he died,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46it was peaceful and with dignity,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49you know, exactly the way that he wanted to go.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, my God.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56And I've been helping other people go the same way ever since.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Uh...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Julia, I...I never slept with that girl.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09That's not why I was there.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24It's celebration time, people.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Debs here's got her first case.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Oh, wow! That's brilliant!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- What is it?- I wish I could tell you,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- but it's classified. - She won't even tell me,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- and I slip her the hard eight inches.- Six at the most.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Oh, but she will tell you that. - Get a drink inside her,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- she'll spill the beans.- I'm sorry, I don't drink any more.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Causes retardation in the baby.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Didn't stop my mum when I was inside her.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Who wants to field that one?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45DOOR OPENS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Um... Excuse me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Hi.- Hi.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Hi.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Hi!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Really was...peaceful?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Extremely.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Thank you.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15So, um, does anyone else know?
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Um, just, er, my brother, Joey, and my mate, Cozzo.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21And now you.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Do you want to meet...?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Um, everybody, this is Julia.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Julia, this is, er... Well, this is everybody.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Hey, look at that! The lovebirds are back together.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Drinks for everybody!
0:27:39 > 0:27:40CHEERING
0:27:40 > 0:27:42No, I mean, just for this table here.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- JOEY:- Game of darts? - Let's go.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- I'm gonna to kill you.- You're not allowed to kill anybody.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48You want to play?
0:27:48 > 0:27:49I'd love to.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I love you too.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I mean, um, wait, what did you say?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Uh...
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Um...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58D...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- She's beautiful. - Oh, yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Oh...!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Everybody seems to have it better than me
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# I'll be a better man
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# This is the superstar luck machine
0:28:33 > 0:28:38# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter
0:28:38 > 0:28:41# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# Yeah, I'm a better man
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# This is the superstar luck machine. #
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd