0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24'One eventful night in 1996, comedy and rock'n'roll
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'had an ill-advised fumble with devastating effects.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32'The resulting offspring would soon become famed for its acerbic wit,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36'musical know-how and celebrity-ish friends.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40'It soon became known as Never Mind The Buzzcocks.'
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Calm down, God! It's only a pop quiz!
0:00:42 > 0:00:48- 'Always the first in line to offer words of wisdom and compassion...' - Come on, bell-end, do something.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'..this show became an oracle for the world of entertainment.'
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'm Simon Amstell. If you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet the guests.
0:00:54 > 0:01:00- 'And when it comes to splits, spats...'- See you later. - What? We're having fun!- I ain't.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04'..and identifying somebody from a line-up, Buzzcocks has seen it all.'
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:10'So join us as we stumble down memory lane
0:01:10 > 0:01:14'and see a little bit of this, that and them.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18'You're watching What A Load Of Buzzcocks 2004.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'The year started on a dramatic note.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:27I just want to say one thing about the, er, half-time entertainment
0:01:27 > 0:01:30which we found, er, offensive,
0:01:30 > 0:01:35embarrassing to us and our fans and inappropriate.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Janet Jackson's revealing performance at the American Super Bowl
0:01:38 > 0:01:41has provoked 200,000 complaints.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46There's to be a congressional inquiry into broadcast indecency.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48# Better have you naked by the end of this song #
0:01:48 > 0:01:51'And then we were hit with tragedy.'
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Chart-topping Irish boyband Westlife, who've sold 30 million records
0:01:54 > 0:01:59to youngsters, their mums and even their grannies, are losing singer Brian McFadden.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I haven't really been able to commit 100 percent to Westlife
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and I haven't been able to commit 100 percent to my family.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09We've enjoyed some unbelievable times with you throughout the years
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and always hold you and them very close to our hearts.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Excuse me.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17# Dry your eyes, mate
0:02:17 > 0:02:22# I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up #
0:02:22 > 0:02:26'So as one of music's great hopes embarked on his solo career,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29'Buzzcocks was of course quick to offer its full backing.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:34They're nothing without him, but they weren't really much with him. LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Mark, they only need one taxi now. - Yeah, that's good. LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It's a good job they know what taxis look like, cos they'll be driving them in two years.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Although you'd never guess it from their music, Westlife are massive fans of Simple Minds.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Either that, or it was just coincidence they had it written on the top of their school reports.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Ever since Wheatus mentioned they like frogs, their fans shower them with frogs when they go on stage.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I happen to know that Westlife are big fans of balloons filled with broken glass.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:07They're on tour soon. Show them you love them. LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:11'You might be wondering why Brian deserves such vitriol.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15'Well, let's just say him and Mark were friends from way back.'
0:03:15 > 0:03:17# You're the air that I breathe
0:03:17 > 0:03:20# Yeah, oh, me-e-hee
0:03:20 > 0:03:23# Hey-ee-hey-hey-hey
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- How ya doing? - LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Why don't you have a go on Mark?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Too greasy. - LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39The observations are flying thick and fast. Well, thick, anyway.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- LAUGHTER - I'll have a shot on you. Can I have a shot on you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47You mime, OK? Quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Your grip on my shoulders was a little bit too firm there.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It wasn't your first time, I'm guessing. LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:05You are the freakiest little fella I've ever seen.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:13'From Lamarr through to Amstell, Buzzcocks dutifully continued to offer wise words on Westlife.'
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Ugh, Awful people. That was...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I just want to see this back again. There's this fantastic bit of Westlife
0:04:24 > 0:04:27where he can't actually wink.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- He's trying to... - LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Eyes like that!- He's trying to wink!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Now, is it the one eye, just the one at a time?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:43They're numpties. And there's a fantastic shot
0:04:43 > 0:04:47where he's looking absolutely terrified with a mop.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- I love this one. - LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- He's just seen a musical instrument. - LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Or he's holding a mop and seeing his future suddenly. LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59'Here on Buzzcocks, we like to keep it in the family,
0:04:59 > 0:05:05'so it was particularly lovely when we were joined by Brian's wife, ex-Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona.'
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- # Ba-da-ba-ba-ba - # Yeah
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- # Ba-da-ba-ba-baa # - I'm crap, aren't I?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Well, no. At least you left the band.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Do you not get on with that lot anymore?- Yeah, Natasha was my bridesmaid.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- The one that replaced you? The evil one?- No. - LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- You've got to keep going until you get the right answer. - Cos I Got Hard by Afroman.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Oh, that is the right answer!- That's what I said first!- No, it's not.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:36We do tape this and we can check. That isn't what you said.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- But you've got it now so it doesn't matter.- Yeah, OK.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Watch it on your anniversary, it won't look so bad. LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45If you're still together. LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No, I sincerely apologise for that.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51That was... She's only been married two weeks. That was terrible. I do apologise.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55'2004 was a year jam-packed full of scandal.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59'In a hat trick of revelations, England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- 'was caught playing away from home.' - No more comments.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05'Wayne Rooney showed a healthy respect for his elders.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09'And Becks hit back at the press and his former PA, Rebecca Loos.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11'As far as he's concerned, it was all one big porky.'
0:06:11 > 0:06:18- My forearms are killing me. - I've been called a bad father, I've been called a bad husband,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and my wife's been called a bad mother. But I'm actually a nice person, as well.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24'All purely speculation, of course.'
0:06:24 > 0:06:27David Beckham has publicly claimed that he's a massive fan of Nelly.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30His favourite bit is when he packs his trunk and says goodbye to the circus.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:37He's looking over going, "Are you Rebecca Loos, cos, er, is there any chance..."
0:06:37 > 0:06:42I was thinking, if Rebecca Loos had met Craig David, that whole song would've taken place on the one day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:47'So 2004 was proving to be a tough year for the Beckhams.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50'Still, at least they could rely on their old friends.'
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Actually, we was in the photo shoot today and we heard Victoria laughing,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56which doesn't happy very often, but then we went upstairs
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- and we found the tape and she even mimes that. - LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I can't believe even you lot do jokes about her.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER The great thing is, she don't get them.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:13'2004 wasn't all scandal and break-ups,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17'because the nation witnessed a genuine fairytale love story,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21'one that would catapult a certain six-packed Aussie back into our lives.'
0:07:22 > 0:07:26It's the most unwelcome comeback since Jimmy Hendrix's vomit.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Peter "Half a chromosome away from a special parking sticker" Andre. LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# This is insane
0:07:37 > 0:07:42At the lowest point in his career, Peter Andre's credit card was turned down at Battersea Dogs' Home.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER It's true. It's absolutely true.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49However, since then, he has found another way of picking up stray mongrels with plastic.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:04'Over the years, the ID parade has established itself
0:08:04 > 0:08:08'as one of Buzzcocks' most eagerly anticipated rounds,
0:08:08 > 0:08:13'becoming an instant hit with pop nostalgists and fans of judicial procedure.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18'Here are our top five ID parade moments from 2004.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'At number five, an angry pirate.'
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Let's all go and face him, come on. LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Let's go and stare him down, see how long he can keep it up.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He's trying to intimidate us!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:42The more you lean in, the more he does!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Either that, or his back's going. LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER Oh, don't be scared!
0:08:50 > 0:08:55'At number four, Amy Winehouse making a confident Buzzcocks debut.'
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Number four, you know, he's quite creative and musical
0:08:58 > 0:09:01to say, "I want to wear the pink shirt!" That's quite...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Yeah, he's really got a look on his face of, "I chose this shirt."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- I think it's, erm...- Remember what you've got to call him. - Mr Number Five!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- I think Rich is going to disagree out of churlishness.- Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- I'm not walking into this trap! - Max, can you and number three swap?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25OK. Who do you think it is?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- There's something sinister about this whole thing. - LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Would the real Max please step forward.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34What's he doing? LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:42'At number three, Lisa Scott-Lee digging herself a big, fat hole.'
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It could be number three, but I don't mean to be rude,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48but I don't know if he's put weight on, because he was slimmer in the video!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Oh, you got a look there, Lisa! - I don't know... - SHE LAUGHS
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Yeah, but even if it's not him, you're still...
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Old chub rock in the middle there. LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Come on, put me out of my misery. - I'd love to.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- I feel really bad for number three. I just want to make him... - I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- Whatever you're doing, I won't make him feel better. - Well, it'll make him look thinner.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:15APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Let's find out. Would the real Aaron please make himself known.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Yeah!- Ohh! APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:27'In at number two, it's a double Bill.'
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Is number two Bill's brother?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Bill, did you leave something behind in the pod?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:50'And at number one, Buzzcocks pulls out all the stops and books the Spice Girls!'
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Is number one Dash?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Or is it number two, Posh? LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Or is it number three, Sporty? LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Is it number four, Scary? LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Or is it number five, Geri Halliwell?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- Ohh. - LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You know what the loveliest thing is on the Motown night?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23All the trainers there are like, "Stop in the name of love."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:31Look at them. The worst Supremes tribute act you'll ever see. LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:33AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36This isn't how we normally pick someone. LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- It's number four. - LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Number four. - Let's find out. Would the real Dash please make himself known.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER It's actually the one you're holding.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Is it this one?- This is him!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Oh, wow! - APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:00'2004 was a year of new beginnings.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04'The self-proclaimed saviour of Radio 1 arrived
0:12:04 > 0:12:06'and Strictly made its debut
0:12:06 > 0:12:10'and brought Brucey's groundbreaking and entertaining new catchphrase.'
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- It's nice to twirl you, to twirl you...- ALL: Nice!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'It was also a year of things drawing to a close.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22'2004 was the one where Friends disappeared from our screens for good.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25'If only someone would show some reruns once in a while.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29'Barry's time in the Square came to an utterly convincing end.'
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Get off me! - HE SCREAMS
0:12:34 > 0:12:39'And never to be upstaged, Britney was starring in her own soap opera.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:40# Everybody's talking...
0:12:40 > 0:12:45The singer wed a childhood friend in a whirlwind ceremony at Las Vegas at the weekend.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Apparently, just hours after she said, "I do,"
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Britney was meeting lawyers to try to say, "I didn't really mean it."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54'So with that chapter over, Britney was able to focus on
0:12:54 > 0:12:57'marrying hubby number two, K-Fed.'
0:12:57 > 0:13:01It's kind of interesting to see how we fell in love, got in fights,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04everything, you know, is just kind of there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08'Over the years, Buzzcocks has often pondered the enigma that is Britney Spears.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11'She started off as a sweet little Mouseketeer
0:13:11 > 0:13:13'and then met her first true love.'
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Despite being a virgin, Britney lives with 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21although when she dresses up as a schoolgirl, it's him who says, "Oops, I did it again."
0:13:21 > 0:13:25And when I say 'N Sync, I mean mainly in sock. LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:30After the release of Baby One More Time, Britney was photographed stroking My Little Pony.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I wish. LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Britney Spears has been romantically linked with Prince William.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43If they were to get married, Britney could become queen of England.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Get your pen out, Elton, I sense a crash coming on.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:52 > 0:13:56'But as she got older, the rebellion started.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59'Here's Mark Lamarr with a ten-word summary of Britney's career.'
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06virgin, virgin, virgin, snogged Madonna, trollop.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10You were right, it's Britney Spears.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# Don't you know that you're toxic? #
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Thunderbirds, the slutty years. - LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Very easyJet. - LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23APPLAUSE
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Miss Blatt. APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:32I'd like to shake your hand and I'd like to give you this award on behalf of Buzzcocks.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37'And our fascination with Britney continued as she remained firmly in the headlines.'
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- You made her cry, didn't you? - Well...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42How did you do that? Did you say that Santa Claus didn't exist or something?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50And she took that personally. LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney, cos this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks
0:14:54 > 0:14:57and her story changes so often. I feel maybe we should cover ourselves.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02I can't believe that picture of her with a cake up her bottom!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Blimey! Might we not do something about Britney and that rare bird egg?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:21She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Well, just in case. LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:33'2004 saw many a memorable song released.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36'20 years on from the original recording,
0:15:36 > 0:15:40'we were shocked by a humanitarian tragedy on a global scale.'
0:15:40 > 0:15:43# Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived, if the tables turned, would you survive?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- # Here's to them... - 'Personally, I thought Dizzee Rascal's rap was all right.'
0:15:47 > 0:15:51# You ain't gotta feel guilt, just selfless, give a little help to the helpless
0:15:51 > 0:15:57'Eamon had a massive number one with a dig at his ex-girlfriend, Frankee.'
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- # I don't want you back - # Fuck all those nights...
0:16:00 > 0:16:06'And, as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman who's also in on a PR angle.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12- 'Frankee had this to say back to Eamon.'- # Well, guess what, yo, your sex was whack
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# All this time
0:16:14 > 0:16:19'Michelle McManus became the winner of Pop Idol before Pop Idol lost out to X Factor.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- 'More on that shortly.' - # I've waited a lifetime for today
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# I'm praying this moment's here to stay
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Call on me, call me
0:16:28 > 0:16:30# I'm the same boy I used to be
0:16:30 > 0:16:35'And this hit led to discussion and debate in pubs up and down the country.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39'I mean, I still don't know. It is Eric "Price" or Eric "Prids"?'
0:16:39 > 0:16:43# Call me, call on me
0:16:43 > 0:16:47# I'm the same boy I used to be #
0:16:47 > 0:16:54Call On Me, reaching number one. Which of our line-up is the video's aerobics instructor, Deanne Berry?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57So, is number one Deanne Berry?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Or is it number two, Bruised Peaches. LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Is it number three, Pickled Gooseberry? LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Is it number four, Hidden Banana? LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Or is it number five, Shrivelled Plums?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Cos you said that about number five, Mark, he was thinking, "That makes me mad."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- I'm at a loss for words.- You know what? I can help you narrow it down.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Right, OK.- It's not number five.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Although, it could've been filmed a long time ago. LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:46It's amazing how he's managed to have gotten sadder since he came on. LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:51I like the idea of number five going home tonight, he's got four sweet phone numbers in his pocket.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54In that changing room...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's definitely number three. Definitely.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10OK. Let's find out. Would the real Deanne Berry please step forward.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:19'Buzzcocks has played host to some unruly characters over the years,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22'and as a result, has always required strong leadership.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'2004 saw Mark Lamarr celebrate
0:18:25 > 0:18:28'his eighth year in the Buzzcocks hot seat.'
0:18:28 > 0:18:30# Hallelujah
0:18:30 > 0:18:32'When the show launched in 1996,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36'it brought with it a fresh-faced 29-year-old comedian
0:18:36 > 0:18:39'with a razor-sharp hair-do and an even sharper tongue.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- You're better than this!- You're not. LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46'Lamarr put his heart and soul into the show.'
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# Why do you build me up
0:18:49 > 0:18:52# Buttercup baby, just to let me down?
0:18:53 > 0:18:58'He presented Buzzcocks a record 156 times and had a wonderful way with people.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- I'm write you a poem right now.- OK. - What rhymes with "shut the (BLEEP) up"?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- LAUGHTER - Kiss my black ass.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:14'However, as the years went by, Lamarr's naturally positive outlook on life began to fade.'
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Let's just see what the future holds for us.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Ah, I see half an hour of bitter disappointment in store.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25'And in the intensity of the Buzzcocks pressure cooker,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28'things were reaching boiling point.'
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Oi, Richard. You're supposed to be my mate!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:36He's Alice Cooper! He knows!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39She's... Oh, she's winning!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Oh, bring much shame on pop quiz. LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Number five you're going for. Is that your final answer?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That's your final answer. Not only did you say number five, my friend,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51but your friend there said you, as well, while he was talking to me.
0:19:51 > 0:19:58Five. Let's see if, indeed, I am Bob Cotton of The Jets!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Let's find out!- Fingers crossed! - Would the real...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And notice how still my feet are going to be.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07..Bob Cotton please make himself known!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Ha-ha!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Aghhh! Mmm.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# The moment you want it, you better never let it go
0:20:15 > 0:20:18# You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
0:20:18 > 0:20:21# This opportunity comes once in a lifetime
0:20:21 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I knew it would come in handy!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Agh!- I'm doing a Pete Townshend beating!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Agh! - # People try to put us down
0:20:33 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Ben, the two of us need look no more.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- What we're looking for? - In the burrow.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Aghh!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Right, that's the end of the show. It hasn't been one I've particularly enjoyed,
0:20:51 > 0:20:56but I would like to thank the people who've been on, Phil, Louis and Ben, Bill, Jason and Lara.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I've been Mark Lamarr
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and I really did think after last week, I'd give it another try.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:09This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11And they said I couldn't polish it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27'2004 saw the launch of the little-known talent contest.'
0:21:28 > 0:21:33The winner of The X Factor is..
0:21:33 > 0:21:37'Well, we all know the real winner was Simon, but just say Steve for now.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42'Steve! Steve! Say it! Steve!'
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- ..Steve! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - 'There we go!'
0:21:46 > 0:21:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:54'Before long, X Factor contestants were everywhere, like daffodils in spring or an unpleasant rash.'
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Tonight, the next lines will be performed by two X Factor...
0:21:57 > 0:22:02I don't like the word losers, but, er, I'm left with very little choice. LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Bill, Ben and Annie, you've got Sumon Sen Yow
0:22:05 > 0:22:09and I would like you to sing your answers back in a similar style to which they are proffered to you.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11# You drive me crazy
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- # I just can't sleep - Maybe not this one.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# I'm so excited, I live too deep
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# You drive me crazy
0:22:19 > 0:22:23# Whoa, the hokey-hokey-cokey
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - # Whoa, the hokey-cokey
0:22:27 > 0:22:29# Whoa, the hokey-cokey
0:22:29 > 0:22:32# Knees bent, arms stretched, rah-rah-rah #
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- Which one did you like least of the X Factor judges?- I hated Louis.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40You hated Louis? You're wrong, Sharon Osbourne. LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:45She does that cruel thing... What's it called when you have the fat sucked out of you? Liposuction.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and that's cruel.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:52APPLAUSE That's not good mothering.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55'In the years since 2004,
0:22:55 > 0:23:01'Buzzcocks has been inundated with X Factor hosts, judges and losers.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- 'Oh, the late, great JLS.' - A one, two, three, four.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- One... It's on four! - LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I thought you was going to start with the bass. Sorry.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:23:15 > 0:23:19HE LAUGHS Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking idiot.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# Well, you can get delirious
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# Take life too serious
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# It's Chico time #
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Chico's here! Bloody Chico!- I know.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Kristen, I feel I should explain Chico to you.- Thank you, Simon.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Last year, Chico was on the talent show X Factor and was very popular
0:23:38 > 0:23:42for dancing around with small children with his shirt off. LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:46He was a huge star, though. He had a time named after him.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51- LAUGHTER - I think I know which one Chico is out of the line-up.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Well, yeah, we all know which one... LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:57If we didn't know, it would be the one who looks most happy with himself.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Stood going, "I'm the real Chico. These people are deluded wannabes."
0:24:00 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Do you know which one's Chico?- Who, me?- Yeah.- I've never heard of Chico.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- What are you talking about? - I don't even know who you are!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- LAUGHTER I'm very famous.- I know!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I went up to number two and said, "I liked you on Pop World."
0:24:19 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Would the real Chico please step forward.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:34- He's funny! He really is funny! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's Chico!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41'Desperate for the X Factor low-down,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44'we decided to infiltrate Simon Cowell's inner circle.'
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Sinitta, I saw that you have a book coming out soon.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Mm-hm.- There were details on the website of what we can expect from Sinitta's book.- No!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER You will learn X Factor secrets.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Oooh! What are the secrets?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- You have to buy the book. - I did hear it was cleverly edited
0:25:01 > 0:25:04to make the winner look like they were going to have a career. I heard that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I think you should talk to Cowell. You know him. He's your ex...
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Yeah. - I know you're happily married now.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And this time to a heterosexual, which is nice.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- LAUGHTER - Were you married to Cowell?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- We were never married. - Didn't get through to the final round.- Ah.- Right...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25'Next up for interrogation, Dermot.'
0:25:25 > 0:25:30- Are you enjoying the X Factor? Are you having fun?- I'm having a great time. Are you enjoying it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Yeah, of course. - Do you watch it?- Yes, yes.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Please tell me you sit down with a cup of tea at home and sincerely watch a bit of TV,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40rather than going, "Oh, I can make some jokes about this."
0:25:40 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Why don't we talk about the X Factor? - Is it nice talk or nasty talk? - Nice talk!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- OK, come on.- New judges this year. - Cheryl Cole, do you like her?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Yeah, she's fun, isn't she? Is it weird that we've all forgotten what an awful, violent thug she is?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- She's so not a violent thug! - That's true.- That's it, isn't it? LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- That's true.- Come on.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Time to go to the wood shed. - LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:20'X Factor contestants really were the gift that kept on giving.'
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- I went to a dog race before. - You went to a dog race? - Jumping over jumps.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27You know the dog races and we one time bet money on it, OK?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30We were below the age, OK? But we still did it, anyway.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34And the one that always goes to the... I don't know,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36yeah, before the race, kind of sometimes always wins.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Well, it's been a super anecdote but we have to move on.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in 30 years.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- LAUGHTER - Let's go like that. Come on.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- APPLAUSE - No, yes, no!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59You know, so, who you gonna call?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02BOTH: Ghostbusters!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:10'Back to Mark Lamarr to wrap things up.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Hello, I'm Louis Walsh, turd polisher. LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- Shut up. It's far off that. - Don't shut up me!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Of all the people in the world you can tell to shut up, you pick on me!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Is this what you're like on X Factor? LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- That's a real TV show. - LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:30It doesn't bother me cos no-one watches this one, so that showed him. LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Join in, bitch! - # Hey-ya
0:27:38 > 0:27:44'So, that was 2004 through the eyes of Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:27:44 > 0:27:50'And for all you anoraks out there, here's a roll call of some of the faces you saw in today's show.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54'Let's start off with Vanessa Feltz, Matt Willis, Roni Size,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56'Keith from The Office, Toyah Wilcox, Martha Stewart,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59'All Saint Mel Blatt, Graham Gouldman from 10CC,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02'Daphne and Celeste, Madge from Neighbours,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06'Ed Byrne, Sheila Ferguson, Annie Mac, Flight of the Conchords' Kirsten Schaal,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09'Nick Hodgson from Kaiser Chiefs, Dom Joly, Arlene Phillips,
0:28:09 > 0:28:14'Keith Murray from We Are Scientists, Charlie Higson, and not forgetting Dash the dog.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19'I'm Alex James and that was 2004, What A Load Of Buzzcocks.'
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:24.