0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:14# What became of the people we used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:21# Tomorrow's almost over Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:30# Is the only thing to look forward to the past? #
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Bob, your coffee's ready. It's getting cold.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Bob?- I'm coming!
0:00:40 > 0:00:46I made it ten minutes ago! I don't know why I bother. TOILET FLUSHES
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Where's that list?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Bob, can you bring the Christmas card list?
0:00:54 > 0:01:01- Yes, yes, yes!- Well, it's 10.20. I'll never get it all done. It's murder in town on a Saturday.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Your coffee's cold. I don't know why you asked me to make it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Thelma, you know I hate conversing when I'm in the lavatory.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18- Where's the list?- What list?- The Christmas card list! Oh, never mind!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21The lavatory is a very private thing.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- But you're in there for hours, Bob! - Only on Saturdays!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31A man's entitled to linger in the lav on Saturday!
0:01:31 > 0:01:36Saturday's the one day we can do things together!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You're not coming in there WITH me!
0:01:39 > 0:01:47You knew I wanted an early start. I've got more presents to buy this year. What shall we get your mother?
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- Get her something for the house. - That's your stock answer!- It isn't.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I must get little Angela next door something. ..An-gela.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59She's very into dolls, isn't she?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Get something for the dolls' house!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Sorry, darling. Only a joke.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Do you intend keeping that beard for Christmas?- What?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- Do you? - Who d'you want to give it to?
0:02:13 > 0:02:19- I could give it to your mother! - It's her I'm thinking of. It upsets her.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- I want Christmas Day to be nice. - Is she coming for Christmas?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You never listen. We're going there.
0:02:27 > 0:02:34- Oh, are we? - We're going there all day and then to the Nortons for charades.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- Same as last year.- Yes. Didn't you enjoy it? We had a lovely time!
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- I hate that charades nonsense! - You ARE the world's worst.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49You had an easy one. "Great Expectations"! Piece of cake!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53You just kick the fire and make out you're pregnant!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57What did I get? "The AA Continental Handbook"!
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- You shouldn't have done continental as one word.- I did a great mime!
0:03:02 > 0:03:08- What did you do?- Continental - Maurice Chevalier...ho-hon-ho-hon!
0:03:08 > 0:03:14- Hope you won't be as boring at the Nortons.- I wasn't. I was bored!
0:03:14 > 0:03:20- I'm surprised we're asked back! - Christmas night, I want to watch the box.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"The Great Escape" is usually on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:29We'll have to give the Nortons something. I'll add them to the list. It never stops!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Will you drink that?- It's cold! - I'm not making fresh.- Fine.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Are you ready?!- Yes!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I've only got to put my shoes on.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- Are you buying Terry a present? - I suppose so!
0:03:42 > 0:03:48- He never gets you one.- Yes, he does! He got me a goldfish in 1962.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It was in a bowl and everything!
0:03:50 > 0:03:54If he'd put water in, it might've lived!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'll add him, but I think it's crazy.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03He won that goldfish by throwing three darts in cards at a fair.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I wonder how long it'd been dead.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Me mam used the bowl for homemade chutney.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- You haven't seen Terry since Easter! - Hardly.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17What'll you get him? I want to get it done!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What do you buy the man who has nothing?
0:04:20 > 0:04:25You know that leather goods shop opposite the bus station?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28They have men's travelling manicure sets.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31A manicure set? For Terry?!
0:04:31 > 0:04:37That's like getting Gordon Honeycombe a set of silver hair brushes!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40All right, Terry's your department.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46- Oh, I want invitation cards! - For what? - Drinks on Boxing Day morning.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- As long as it's early morning. - Not too early, why?
0:04:50 > 0:04:55There's a match Boxing Day morning. It's traditional.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But we agreed we'd have people in then.
0:04:58 > 0:05:05- Did you? - Well, Christmas Eve clashed with Dan and Kathleen's fancy dress party.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- Fancy DRESS?!- Oh, Bob, you never listen to anything I say!
0:05:10 > 0:05:15Remember? I said you weren't going as Maurice Chevalier!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Oh, THAT fancy dress at Dan and Kathleen's.
0:05:19 > 0:05:27All these things have got to be thought about - cards, presents. There's so much to get through!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I know, Thelma, and it's only September 28th!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I think we've done very well. It's only half past four.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55- Another ten minutes and the game's over.- You can miss a game for once.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00- Just think, everything's bought. - Just in time, too(!)
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I can get a few odds and ends any time.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Thelma, there's Terry. Look.- What?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- Look. In a car, driving. - Heavens, yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Hello, kidda.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Hello, Bob. Not now, eh?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Whose car is that? Your friend's?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Do us a favour, will yer, Bob? Get stuffed.
0:06:31 > 0:06:39- Oh, THAT'S nice(!) Did you hear that, Thelma?- Let's not have a coarse argument.- What's up wi' you?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'm on my driving test.- You what?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- I'm taking me driving test! - ENGINE STALLS
0:06:47 > 0:06:50He's taking his driving test!
0:06:56 > 0:07:02- I never knew he'd had any lessons! - You put him off. Look, he's stalled.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06ENGINE STARTS
0:07:14 > 0:07:20That's not nice. He's taking his test. Oh, here he comes.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Sorry. We must've put you off.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Friend of mine. Haven't seen him for a while.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- How's he doing? - Just lay off, will yer?!
0:07:42 > 0:07:47It was our fault he stalled. You won't knock marks off?
0:07:55 > 0:08:01See, I'VE stalled now! And I've been driving for years!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Don't forget, make those hand signals very clear.
0:08:20 > 0:08:28I came to see how you got on. I'm sorry. We didn't mean to put you off. It was just such a surprise.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- Never mind. Not many people pass their test first go.- I did.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- You what?- I passed. No thanks to you and Thelma, but.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I'm amazed! I mean, well done. Congratulations.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- I'll buy you a pint.- All right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51- Can I drive?- What? You drive? - I passed my test. Just to the Black Horse.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04- ENGINE STARTS - Right, where's first? - The clutch can be fierce.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07HE REVS THE ENGINE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Two pints, Jack, please.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Maniac!- Who?- You! Licence for five minutes, think you own the road!
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Just got a move on. You drive like Mary Poppins, always have done.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I drive with due care and attention towards other road users.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He's given you a licence to kill!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I have attained the standards required.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- Sup up. How much, Jack? - No, it's my shout.- Cheers.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'm drinking to your new status.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49You're crafty. I didn't know you were having lessons.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- I haven't seen you. - You only have to use a phone!
0:09:53 > 0:09:58You were on holiday and I was away and...you know how it is.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You've changed, you know.
0:10:03 > 0:10:09- I was beginning to think you'd never notice.- What is it? - My eye shadow!
0:10:09 > 0:10:14No, I noticed that earlier. There's something else.
0:10:21 > 0:10:28- I've just seen it! When did you grow that?- Probably while you were having secret driving lessons!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Come on, get all the remarks over with.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- It looks good.- Pardon? - It suits you.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Oh.- Thelma like it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Quite. Her mother doesn't. But I don't like HER moustache!
0:10:41 > 0:10:48- Makes you look more...er...you know. - That's what Penny said at the office.- Who?- You know!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- I was going out with a Penny.- Mmm?
0:10:51 > 0:10:58- Was her taught us to drive. - Lucky finding a girl wi' a car. Not many lasses have their own.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Not so much a girl, more a woman - 27.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- Women have cars.- And husbands? - Aye, one of them.- You're not...!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09No, no. They're separated.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- I see.- As good as.- What d'you mean?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16He's on a tanker in the Persian Gulf! THAT'S separated!
0:11:16 > 0:11:21And is the hapless mariner aware of this liaison?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- It wasn't long.- Long enough to learn to drive!- Aye. It was great!
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- We went to this deserted airfield past Morpeth.- I- practised there!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Good place for it, isn't it?- Ideal.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37After, she'd give us a driving lesson!
0:11:37 > 0:11:44- I took a few official ones to learn this rubbish... Oh, I'm sorry!- CAREFUL!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- No harm done.- I lost me cherry!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Not before time, is it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Pardon?!
0:11:51 > 0:11:57- Nothing. Give us a cherry, Jack. - It doesn't matter! - You ARE cheeky!- No harm done.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- They're not rubbish!- What? - Hand signals!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Careful, pet!- Sorry, can I...? - Never mind!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Would you two lads like to sit?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Rest our legs. - Rest your arms, an' all!
0:12:12 > 0:12:19- They are important.- You don't use 'em after you've passed. Who'd drive with the window open here?
0:12:19 > 0:12:26- What'll you do now?- Get me own wheels. I'll get a car by Christmas or a job that provides one.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- A job?!- Yeah.- You mean, working?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You? In a JOB?
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Yes.- What sort of job? - There's lots of things!- Such as?
0:12:39 > 0:12:44What I wouldn't mind doing is driving a juggernaut to Belgium.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Why Belgium?- That's where they go!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Not always. I saw one going to North Shields!
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Yes, but they go to Belgium first, don't they?
0:12:56 > 0:13:03Down those autobahns. Hitchhiking frauleins and Swedish au-pair girls on their way to the south of France.
0:13:03 > 0:13:11- No-one will entrust you with a juggernaut!- Good life. No bosses, just the open road!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I can see you, jacking up a juggernaut in the rain!
0:13:15 > 0:13:21- Doesn't rain much in Italy.- We're in Italy! Sped through Switzerland!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24You've seen the way I drive, kid.
0:13:24 > 0:13:30They go huge distances. Yugoslavia, Turkey. You went there, didn't you?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- No.- But you showed me the brochure.
0:13:33 > 0:13:40- When we left the Elm Lodge housing estate, we WERE on our way to Turkey.- What happened?
0:13:40 > 0:13:48Venture Travel, whose brochure assured us of a holiday of a lifetime in their hands,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50went bust.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Never?- We paid in advance, of course.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59- When did they go bust? - While we were in Luton airport!
0:14:00 > 0:14:07- There was considerable speculation and confusion, so we spent three days in Luton airport.- Dear me!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- It's why I grew a beard.- Why?
0:14:10 > 0:14:16There's nothing else to do in Luton! It's not Europe's fun capital. Eric Morecambe's wrong.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- So you went straight home? - Would that we had!
0:14:20 > 0:14:25We rented a car to see some of the beauties of our countryside,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29starting with the nature of Bedfordshire.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35- Which was closed! - Closed?- It was Sunday! And we never found Woburn Abbey!
0:14:35 > 0:14:43- Isn't it full of lions and baboons? - We'll never know. I foolishly followed an "alternative route".
0:14:43 > 0:14:48You'll soon learn to ignore signs which say that.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It turned out to be Newport Pagnell, where we spent Sunday night.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56It was a TERRIBLE night!
0:14:56 > 0:15:00It's not easy to gee your wife up in a motorway motel,
0:15:00 > 0:15:05knowing you should be eating figs by the Bosphorus.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- What's the Bosphorus?- It's a river. A river in Turkey.
0:15:10 > 0:15:16- The Bosphorus! Isn't it? - I'll tell you when I'm there in me juggernaut!
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- We won't get our money back. - For your holiday?- No chance!
0:15:21 > 0:15:26And you should have seen Thelma this morning, Christmas shopping!
0:15:26 > 0:15:31- In SEPTEMBER?! - She doesn't like leaving things.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Dear me!
0:15:33 > 0:15:40I don't want a present, mind. I'm not sending cards or presents this year.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44What do you mean, THIS year?! You never do!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- What?- I've not had a present from you since 1962!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- And that was just a goldfish. - JUST a goldfish(!)
0:15:52 > 0:15:57That's a canny present to give anyone - their own pet!
0:15:59 > 0:16:04- How is he?- How IS he?! He was dead on arrival!
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Maybe I shouldn't have had him gift-wrapped!
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- Hey, can I drive back?- No. - Oh, go on!- No!
0:16:17 > 0:16:24You're a bit cocky at the moment. That's just the time you'll have an accident.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And you're not having one in MY car!
0:16:31 > 0:16:39I may drive like Mary Poppins, but I have a scratch-free car and a no-claims bonus to show for it!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47YOU LEFT IT IN REVERSE!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Hey!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39HOOTER BLOWS
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- How's it going? The job? - Oh, come off it!
0:17:44 > 0:17:49It's not what I expected, is it? The open road? The open yard!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Why did you take it? - There was nothing else!
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- I thought when I got my driving licence...- Nothing?
0:17:58 > 0:18:05There were a few things, but I wanted a job where I could get the use of the vehicle.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Weren't there any?- No.
0:18:08 > 0:18:17There was one. I only took it for a week. It wasn't the sort of vehicle to sweep a lady off her feet.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- What was it? A dust cart? - It was an ice cream van.
0:18:24 > 0:18:32An ice cream van! I should think your chances of pulling a bird in an ice cream van were WAFER thin!
0:18:34 > 0:18:40- Seriously though, weren't they? - Better than in a fork-lift truck!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45At least you're bringing some money in to see you through Christmas.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- What's that to do with it? - We all need extra at Christmas.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- I mean, it's Christmas.- I don't. I hate Christmas.
0:18:53 > 0:18:59- For me, Christmas doesn't exist. - You always say that.- I mean it!
0:18:59 > 0:19:04It's all got out of hand. It's just one big racket.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Once upon a time, it was a meaningful and joyous occasion.
0:19:08 > 0:19:14Once, there was real spirit. About the time King Wenceslaus set out.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16On the feast of Stephen.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- What?- "Good King Wenceslaus set out on the feast of Stephen".
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- You'd know - you were the carol singer.- Yes, I was.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- You didn't mind making a twit of yourself.- No.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Traipsing round with Presbyterian ping-pong players!
0:19:34 > 0:19:41- I didn't mind at all. I loved it. - Sloppy sentimentalist!- I know. I know.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47I know, but I'd rather be a sloppy sentimentalist than a sour-faced cynic like you!
0:19:47 > 0:19:54Christmas is just a confidence trick by big business and department store owners.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Look at people like your Thelma shopping in September!
0:19:58 > 0:20:05Same again and two shorts. People over-eat, over-spend and over-sentimentalise!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09I know, and I love every minute of it!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Even the terrible things I love.
0:20:12 > 0:20:18I love last-minute shopping, trying to find your car, which you couldn't park
0:20:18 > 0:20:22and is now covered in Yuletide parking tickets.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24That's OK.
0:20:24 > 0:20:31I love spending too much, wearing daft hats, being nice to deaf Uncle Billy.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37I love watching bad movies like "Son of Sinbad" with Tony Curtis.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I don't mind Leslie Crowther in a children's ward.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Good God!
0:20:45 > 0:20:50I love eating too much Christmas pud and mince pies and tangerines
0:20:50 > 0:20:54and dates in boxes with "Eat Me" on the lid.
0:20:54 > 0:21:02And I like everything cleared away by five to three so we can watch the Queen's Commonwealth Address.
0:21:02 > 0:21:08- The Queen!- And good King Wenceslaus!- If you say so.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10It's a double! I can't stay long.
0:21:10 > 0:21:16Isn't part of Christmas mellowing over a Yule noggin with a mate?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19We're stirring the pudding tonight.
0:21:25 > 0:21:33You know, when we were at school, you were the last in the class to admit there wasn't a Santa Claus.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- Yes, and WHO was it told me there wasn't?!- It was for your own good.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40You were 15!
0:21:42 > 0:21:47I was six! I remember the day vividly - Christmas Eve afternoon.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52I was sitting reading Lord Snooty out of the Christmas Beano annual.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I'd got it early cos I'd been crying with a boil on me neck.
0:21:57 > 0:22:04Not a worry in the world, except how Santa would get a fire engine down our chimney.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Then you show up,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10with an evil malicious grin on your face,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and you say Santa Claus is dead!
0:22:15 > 0:22:20I did not say that. I said he'd never been alive to begin with.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24You said he'd been gored by his reindeer!
0:22:26 > 0:22:31Well, you had to know sometime. I'd known since August!
0:22:31 > 0:22:37QUITE! You knew in August, but you waited till Christmas Eve to tell me!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Even then you were filled with spite!
0:22:41 > 0:22:48Webb told me. Mind I'd suspected it the year before when me Mam said Santa was bringing us a fort
0:22:48 > 0:22:51and in November, I'd found it!
0:22:51 > 0:22:57I needed Santa Claus more than you, being an only child.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Your house was always full of raucous revelry.
0:23:01 > 0:23:09My mother and I spent Christmas quietly with Uncle Billy and that aunt who smelt of camphorated oil.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15- There won't be much revelry this year.- You'll be with your folks?
0:23:15 > 0:23:21- They're going to our Linda.- You'll go too, though?- No, I wasn't asked.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25You don't need to be asked. She's your sister!
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Linda's got her own life - three kids and an idiot husband!
0:23:30 > 0:23:36- What about your Audrey, then? - She doesn't want me round there, does she?
0:23:36 > 0:23:43That's AWFUL! Normally you could come to us, but we're at Thelma's mother's.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I'm quite happy on me own. I don't want to go anywhere.
0:23:47 > 0:23:55- It's Christmas Day!- As it doesn't exist in my book, what's the difference?- What'll you do, then?
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Do? I'll have a good lie-in, go to the Fat Ox for a game of doms,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03pull a cracker and open some luncheon meat.
0:24:03 > 0:24:10That's terrible! Pathetic. Pulling a cracker with no-one at the other end.
0:24:10 > 0:24:18Doesn't bother me. I just wait for Boxing Day and a semblance of normality. Newcastle v Carlisle.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23- As I say, normally you could come...- I'm all right. I can manage.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- Just like tonight. - What do you mean, tonight?
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Well, you're not staying. You're off home to stir your pudding!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- There's no mad rush.- Aye, well...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- Same again, Jack.- Doubles?- Well...
0:24:39 > 0:24:44- Certainly doubles! I got doubles in!- ..Oh, fine.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47But after this one, I must definitely go.
0:24:47 > 0:24:55DRUNKEN SINGING # Good King Wenceslaus looked out of his bedroom window
0:24:55 > 0:25:03# Silly basket, he fell out on a red-hot cinder
0:25:03 > 0:25:10# Brightly shone his bum that night though the frost was cruel... #
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I'm not driving, mind.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19- I might be drunk, but I'm not irresponsible. - Quite right. Quite right.
0:25:19 > 0:25:26- I'll drive.- No way. I'm not giving you the keys. That WOULD be irresponsible.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- I'll walk, or stagger home. - It's four miles! Give us the keys.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35There's no way the keys are leaving my hand!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, God!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Get me home, Terry.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Don't worry, kidda, I'll get you home.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51ENGINE ROARS
0:26:06 > 0:26:10ENGINE DROWNS THEIR DRUNKEN SINGING
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Bob, are you all right?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Oh, there you are. Praying won't help.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I'm locked out!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Bob?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Bob?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Bob?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Too far, you fool!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Oh, sorry, sir. Going down.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Underwear, soft furnishings, surgical appliances.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Bob?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- Bob?- WHAT? WHAT?!
0:27:51 > 0:27:57Don't say "what" like that! It's five to eight and you ordered a minicab for 8.00.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I can't find me earrings!
0:28:00 > 0:28:05I told you, I'VE got them! He never listens to anything I say.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- Well, where are they?!- They're here.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Sit down, I'll put them on for you.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- OW! That hurts! - Don't be such a baby!
0:28:17 > 0:28:24- There.- This hook's no good! Should've got a real hook from the butcher's.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29You can't go with a real hook. You shouldn't wear your cutlass.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- I should've had a parrot. - Captain Hook didn't have one.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36There. Oh, you look very good.
0:28:36 > 0:28:43- People will know you're Captain Hook. Will they know I'm Peter Pan? - Of course!
0:28:43 > 0:28:47This is a nothing outfit. I could be a pixie or an elf.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52- What's wrong with that? - I want people to know I'm Peter Pan.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Well, fly in through the window(!)
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Like you did last week, I suppose?
0:28:58 > 0:29:05- We'd agreed that subject was closed. - Don't make rude remarks and it will be.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- Don't fight. It IS Christmas Eve. - DOORBELL >
0:29:09 > 0:29:12That'll be the cab. I'll nip upstairs.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- Bob?- Terry? Come in, come in.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26It's OK, Thelma, it's only Terry.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37I...er...I haven't interrupted anything, have I?
0:29:37 > 0:29:41How do you mean?
0:29:41 > 0:29:47Well, you know, you read about these things. Those aren't your work clothes.
0:29:47 > 0:29:56- We're going to a fancy dress party! I'm Captain Hook!- Oh, I see, I see! Yes, 'ey, that's very good!
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- Shouldn't you have a parrot? - He didn't have one.
0:29:59 > 0:30:04How's things with Thelma after...you know?
0:30:04 > 0:30:09- They've been...you know, but everything's...you know, now.- Good.
0:30:09 > 0:30:15- I lost me job.- How?- I didn't wake up and the fork-lift was missed.
0:30:15 > 0:30:20- I'm sorry. Christmas week, an' all. - Doesn't bother me. Got another job.
0:30:20 > 0:30:27- Hello, Terry. Merry Christmas. - Hello, Thelma, pet. My, that's a canny little outfit!
0:30:27 > 0:30:29You an elf or a pixie?
0:30:29 > 0:30:37- She's Peter Pan! ANYONE can see that!- We'd offer you a drink, but we're just off.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- Not when I'm driving. - You're driving?- I'm your minicab!
0:30:54 > 0:30:59- We arranged with your firm to be picked up.- I know.- Will it be you?
0:30:59 > 0:31:04- Probably.- We'll settle up then, if you like?- If you like.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Right, two o'clock. We won't keep you waiting.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- All right.- Come along, Bob.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13..Go on.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- Have a good night. - You, too. Oh, silly.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21No, don't worry about me. Enjoy yourselves.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Excuse me!
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Thank you.
0:31:39 > 0:31:44- Andrea, have you seen Bob? - I've no idea, pet. What is he?
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- Captain Hook. - Oh, that was him, was it?
0:31:51 > 0:31:54'Scuse me!
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Oh, I'm SORRY!
0:32:03 > 0:32:04< POP!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Bob?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Bob?!
0:32:10 > 0:32:14- Hello, darling. - Who have you got in here?
0:32:14 > 0:32:18- What?- Why was the door locked? - No, there's a knack to it.
0:32:18 > 0:32:27- Are you with Sylvia Braithwaite? - Joan of Arc?- Yes, your ex.- You could say, one of my old FLAMES!
0:32:27 > 0:32:30You COULD say!
0:32:30 > 0:32:36- She was with Hereward the Wake. - He's fast asleep on the staircase!
0:32:36 > 0:32:43- What makes you think I'D be with Sylvia?!- That punch goes straight to your loins!
0:32:43 > 0:32:46And you go on the prowl.
0:32:46 > 0:32:51- This party's getting out of hand. They always do!- I know!
0:32:51 > 0:33:00Happily married couples, as soon as the lights go down, swap partners and start that buttock-clutching!
0:33:00 > 0:33:05Brenda Boyle's next door with Nina Smith's husband - what's his name?
0:33:05 > 0:33:10- Rasputin?- Yes. I don't know what Brenda's Alan would think!
0:33:10 > 0:33:13HE'S in the shed with Marie Antoinette!
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Sorry!
0:33:14 > 0:33:19- 'EE!- Well, I hope we don't end up like this.
0:33:19 > 0:33:26Mind you, darling, you were on the dance floor for a long time with the tiger.
0:33:26 > 0:33:31- That was only Eric.- I bet your bottom is covered in claw marks!
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Well, he's an animal, Eric.
0:33:35 > 0:33:40- You see. You shouldn't go round with aspersions about me.- Sorry.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44- What WERE you doing in here? - I'll tell you...Thelma...
0:33:44 > 0:33:48I...I was looking out the window!
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- Because HE'S there! - Who?- Terry. Look!
0:33:52 > 0:33:57- He's early. That's not our fault. - That's not the point!
0:33:57 > 0:34:04Look at that little hunched figure in a gabardine mac! And it's Christmas Eve! It's just so sad.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08It's embarrassing him driving us, not sad.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12- He wanted to work over Christmas. - Should I tip him?
0:34:12 > 0:34:17- I've no idea! Well, I suppose so. - It's so embarrassing!
0:34:17 > 0:34:23- Come down. We'll miss the hot dogs. - Perhaps we should ask him in for one?- All right.
0:34:23 > 0:34:29- I'm going to the bathroom. I'll see you downstairs.- Behave yourself!
0:34:33 > 0:34:36You can come out now, Sylvia.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52- Are you all right?- Terrific(!) Rotten book and the heater's bust!
0:34:52 > 0:34:58- You're early.- I know! At your convenience, sir! Enjoy yourself!
0:34:58 > 0:35:02I'm not enjoying myself. Rotten party!
0:35:02 > 0:35:06I thought perhaps you'd like to come in. Warm up.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09..Go in, like?
0:35:09 > 0:35:14- Yeah. You could have a hot dog. - I'm not dressed for it.
0:35:14 > 0:35:20- 'Course you are! Say you've come as a minicab driver.- Hot dogs, eh?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- Yeah, and lots of crumpet!- Right!
0:35:30 > 0:35:36- Howay, then?- Think I'll get a breath of fresh air. All that punch, you know.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Oh. All right, then.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45You can come out now, Sylvia.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Terry, would you please take me home?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- Sure.- Sorry if you're eating.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06No, you're entitled. Where's Bob?
0:36:06 > 0:36:11- I'm not waiting for him. You can come back, if you like.- Where is he?
0:36:11 > 0:36:18God alone knows. I found his cutlass in the bathroom, but... You haven't seen him?
0:36:18 > 0:36:23- Not since he asked me in.- I KNOW who he's with and what he's up to!
0:36:23 > 0:36:30- Who IS he with?- Sylvia Braithwaite. She's Joan of Arc. I don't know where they can be!
0:36:30 > 0:36:34Have you tried the top of the bonfire?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43< FOOTSTEPS
0:36:51 > 0:36:54No, I'll sit in the front. It's warmer.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- Well, come in. - It's a bit late, Thelma.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20- Have a hot drink or something. - All right.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25- A proper drink? It's your last job. - Unless I go for Bob.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29I'd rather you didn't. Let him walk home!
0:37:29 > 0:37:35- In them boots?- Serve him right. - Oh, well, in that case...Scotch?
0:37:35 > 0:37:39Oh, good. Here, you might as well have your present.
0:37:39 > 0:37:44- I told you not to get me a present! - Oh, merry Christmas!
0:37:51 > 0:37:56- You're driving me home!- I can't do that.- I am NOT walking home!
0:37:56 > 0:38:03- It's not my cab...car...cab. - Your wife asked him in. He'll be there half hour!
0:38:03 > 0:38:06- RIGHT!- Where are you going?
0:38:06 > 0:38:12- It's a minicab, isn't it? I'M going to get the driver! - I'll drive you home!
0:38:18 > 0:38:21What a terrible time I've had!
0:38:21 > 0:38:25On the floor, under coats, in a flower bed!
0:38:25 > 0:38:27I've been bent double all night!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Oh, shut up!
0:38:40 > 0:38:44- 'EY!- What is it? - Somebody's stolen me cab!
0:38:51 > 0:38:58We've found the stolen minicab SHN439F abandoned at the corner of Preston Road.
0:38:58 > 0:39:04Unable to apprehend the driver. He ran off over this waste ground.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07DOG GROWLS
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- Shall I open this? - It is Christmas Day.
0:39:30 > 0:39:37You shouldn't have bothered, you know. I wasn't expecting it. I said to Bob, "I don't want..."
0:39:39 > 0:39:42Look at them!
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Driving gloves!
0:39:44 > 0:39:51- It seemed appropriate. We didn't know what to get. - They really are very nice!
0:39:51 > 0:39:54- You make me feel rotten now! - Oh, no...
0:39:56 > 0:40:03- If it was up to me, I'd let you off the fare.- Oh, Terry, how much is it?- I mean, if it was me own car...
0:40:03 > 0:40:10- No, no, what do we owe you? - Normally, it would be £5 both ways, like.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13But as one was after midnight, it's £6.50.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Plus 75 pence waiting time.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30It IS Christmas, but that's entirely up to the individual.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33I'm afraid I've nothing smaller.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Oh, I don't think I'VE got anything.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40Never mind. As you say, it IS Christmas.
0:40:40 > 0:40:45A very handsome gratuity, Thelma. I appreciate the gloves, an' all.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50- You'll need those for the job.- The job won't last. I've lost the cab!
0:40:50 > 0:40:58- Hardly your fault.- I shouldn't have left the keys in it. My rotten luck! After I'd behaved, an' all!
0:40:58 > 0:41:02Unlike some. DOORBELL RINGS >
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Guess who. FRANTIC KNOCKING
0:41:06 > 0:41:12- Thelma, I've had to run...I mean, walk all the way!- Merry Christmas.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Merry Christmas(!) Why did you leave without me?!
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Don't look at me. I do as I'm told!
0:41:19 > 0:41:25- Thelma?- I'm amazed that you noticed I'd gone. - I searched high and low for you!
0:41:25 > 0:41:29- Oh yes? - I only stepped out for some air!
0:41:29 > 0:41:36- Didn't you see me step outside? - Well, yes...yes, that's true. - It was the punch!
0:41:36 > 0:41:40I wandered round the garden till my head felt better.
0:41:40 > 0:41:45There was no sign of you, NOR of the tiger!
0:41:45 > 0:41:51- Bob, I assumed...- Obviously! You're very quick to jump to assumptions, Thelma!
0:41:51 > 0:41:58- Thanks for the present, kidda. Good fit.- What? Oh, right, good. Happy Christmas!
0:41:58 > 0:42:03- You WEREN'T with Sylvia Braithwaite? - Thelma, what is the point?
0:42:03 > 0:42:09If you've got it into your head, what can I say?! I've got nothing to hide.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13- TYRES SQUEAL - 'Ey up, there's a car outside.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- Oh, good! It's the police.- What?!
0:42:17 > 0:42:23- Must be to do with Terry's car. It was stolen. - I'll get out of these clothes.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25I'll let them in.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30- Mr Collier? - Oh, yes, he's through there.
0:42:31 > 0:42:36- Mr Collier?- Aye. - We've got you a Christmas box.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39- You've found it?- Aye. - By, that's quick!
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Must've been a joyrider. Enough about.
0:42:42 > 0:42:47- Did you get him?- No, he scarpered when he saw us coming.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51- Just a kid? - Hard to tell in the dark, like.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54All's well that ends well.
0:42:54 > 0:43:01- Like a drink?- It is Christmas. - Good lad.- What would you like? - Brown ale, pet.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03- Terry, would you get it?- Certainly!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05- Bob?- WHAT?!
0:43:05 > 0:43:10- Come on down!- Why? - We're having a Christmas drink!
0:43:10 > 0:43:18- Oh, good, you've got it. - Well, cheers, mate. You've got me out of the clouds tonight.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22I'll run you down to the station to pick your cab up.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Don't you need to look for clues?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Oh, we found a clue, aye.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31We found...THIS on the back seat.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Well, happy Christmas!