0:00:01 > 0:00:03# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:14# What became of the people we used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:29# Is the only thing to look forward to the past?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44THEY GIGGLE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51'Ee, where did you get those wellies?
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Off the man in the site office. Remember? The little man with a limp.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Oh, Bob, look! The damp course!
0:01:04 > 0:01:09- How could I ever forget? - And a week later...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11The main drainage!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18My house!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I can't get used to saying that. "Have you seen my house?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:27"Come round to my house." "We could meet at my house."
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"I'm thinking of selling my house."
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Come on, we haven't moved in yet! Anyway, it's OUR house.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I know, pet. OUR house. Chez nous!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Oh, Bob! I can't wait to move in.
0:01:44 > 0:01:50- What's on those other slides? - I think there's just a mixture of everything.
0:01:51 > 0:01:58Are you happy? I mean, really really happy happy?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm fantastically happy.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07I am. I know it's silly, but sometimes it worries me I'm so happy.
0:02:07 > 0:02:15- I keep expecting something to come along and spoil it.- Daft thing. What could possibly do that?
0:02:17 > 0:02:22- You did that on purpose! - I just picked one at random!
0:02:22 > 0:02:30Some jokes I can understand like electrocuting people, but suddenly, just like that, producing HIM!
0:02:30 > 0:02:35- It's not funny!- Thelma, I just picked it out like a lucky dip.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38A lucky dip...or an unlucky dip!
0:02:38 > 0:02:45I could've been anything your sister's wedding or us caravanning in East Links.
0:02:45 > 0:02:52- It just happened to be the Creature from the Black Lagoon! - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:02:52 > 0:02:58It was the shock. He's always been there a nagging doubt haunting me!
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Love, dearest...it isn't as if he's even a friend of mine any more.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07He hasn't spoken to me in over four years!
0:03:07 > 0:03:15Even when he came home on leave at Christmas, he didn't see me. And my mother sent him a racing calendar!
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- I mean, I hardly know Terry Collier now.- Mmm.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30You're just upset 'cos I'm going to London!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- No, I'm not. - It's business, not a last fling!
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- I'm only a cheap day return! - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I'll go make you some tea and cheese and biscuits.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It was just seeing THAT!
0:03:59 > 0:04:06- My rabbit wants chocolate.- Rabbits don't eat chocolate. They eat lettuce and carrots.- Mine doesn't.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I think rabbit would like a lie down.
0:04:09 > 0:04:15He's not feeling too well, what with the train and you swinging him.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Let's put him up here... in his hammock.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- He wants some chocolate. - No, he doesn't!
0:04:22 > 0:04:29Bunny is in his bunk dreaming of bunny girls and will be until Paddington!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Thanks ever so much.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Did they play up? - No. I've a way with kids.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I'm grateful. You in the Services?
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Was. I'm on terminal leave. Done it all. Five years!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- Did you enjoy it? - Apart from this, yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- What happened? - I never talk about it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Sorry.- Please, you weren't to know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- Do you live in London?- No. Getting the train up North tonight.
0:05:04 > 0:05:10- You're welcome to come back with me. Get your feet up for the day. - Oh, yeah?
0:05:10 > 0:05:17- Why not? You'd like my husband. He was a marine. - Yes, well, it's kind of you...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20but I've only got the day to see relatives.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24That's it. Must spend the day with family.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Spare seat?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Oh, sod it! Sorry, was that your foot?- I've got another.
0:06:50 > 0:06:58- What's up with the lights?- Power failure!- Would you believe it? The jet age(!)
0:06:58 > 0:07:02"Intercity makes the going great"(!) Huh!
0:07:02 > 0:07:08- Typical of this country! - Any heating on your side?- OUCH! - Sorry, again.
0:07:08 > 0:07:16- How far are you going?- Newcastle. - For God's sake, sit. I'll be black and blue by the time we're there!
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- Are you from up that way?- Nearby. Haven't been for ages. Been in the army.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Oh, aye? Enjoy it(?)
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- Got a lot out of it.- I nearly went in once.- Could've done worse.
0:07:30 > 0:07:37Funny story attached to it. See, I had this mate. Me best mate. Very close.
0:07:37 > 0:07:44A few years ago, I thought it'd be a good idea to join up. See a bit of the world. So I signed on.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50But when I went away, this mate of mine went to pieces.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I suppose it was like losing your right arm.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57So, he signs on just to be with me.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- And, you'll never guess... - CHORTLES
0:08:03 > 0:08:06He gets in and I get discharged! Flat feet!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I'm free again and he's in for three years!
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I can still see the look on his face!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I still laugh when I think about it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23It's a sad story in a way, 'cos he hasn't spoken to me since,
0:08:23 > 0:08:28but when you're telling a story, you have to see the funny side!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31You've got to laugh!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Ha, ha, ha, ha...ha!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You bastard!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Terry!- You rotten bastard!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46You've got to see the funny side(!)
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Your best mate lost the most vital years of his life!
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- It is a joke!- I'm very sorry, Terry.
0:08:54 > 0:09:00You said sorry when you stepped on my foot! Does sorry wipe the slate clean?
0:09:00 > 0:09:09I TRIED to buy you out! Honestly, I organised a whip-round. We just couldn't raise enough funds.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13My going away whip-round had plenty funds!
0:09:13 > 0:09:20That was for you going away. We couldn't seem to raise the same support for you...coming back.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26- Suppose you had to laugh at that, too?- I don't mean it's funny ha-ha.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30I mean...well, it's ironical, if you like.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Yeah, it's ironical that I missed the country's social transformation!
0:09:35 > 0:09:42While everyone had the best time since the Roaring 20s, I was stuck in BFPO14!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I missed it all!
0:09:47 > 0:09:54Swinging Britain was just hearsay. Something I read about in the overseas edition of the Daily Mail!
0:09:54 > 0:10:01Death of censorship, "Oh! Calcutta!", topless waitresses in see-through knickers!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04They never caught on.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Topless waitresses.
0:10:07 > 0:10:14That's a crumb of comfort(!) I'd have liked to have been here to SEE them not catching on!
0:10:14 > 0:10:22Permissive society(!) I get back and it's Malcolm Muggeridge, Lord Longford and the Jesus revolution!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- It wasn't that much. - Better than Munchen Gladbach!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Where?- EXACTLY! Munchen Gladbach.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- Where's that?- Munchen Gladbach is West Hartlepool of West Germany!
0:10:35 > 0:10:41Look, Terry, what happened, happened. I didn't engineer it!
0:10:41 > 0:10:48It wasn't part of a grand plan. It wasn't a conspiracy. It was kismet! Fate!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51As Doris Day said: "Que sera sera."
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I can't stand Doris Day!
0:10:54 > 0:10:59OK, just ask yourself one question. Could I have forged flat feet?
0:11:01 > 0:11:08- And would I, seriously, WANT my own two feet to be flat?! - No, I suppose not.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Thank you. Not that I suppose it means anything at all to you,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16but I was very upset.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- I missed you.- Did you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:26We ALL did! Me and the lads spent two months trying to get a request on "Two Way Family Favourites".
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- I never heard it!- Don't blame me! Take it up with Michael Aspel.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35What was it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Doris Day singing "Que Sera Sera".
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I can't STAND Doris Day!
0:11:43 > 0:11:51I didn't know your musical taste, did I? You could've been into Pink Floyd or the Foden Works Brass Band!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- You're looking very well. - I am. I am! Fit! Fit!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Well, apart from this. - What's up with your leg?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- I never talk about it.- ..Oh.
0:12:08 > 0:12:14- How have you been then?- Fine. Fine. I can't complain. - Good, I'm glad to hear it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I had me appendix out two years ago.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22No hard feelings?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24No hard feelings.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Welcome back.- Glad to be back.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Good lad!
0:12:30 > 0:12:36- God, man! No need for all that!- I'm sorry. I always was a bit emotional!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I'll be all right.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oh...I think this is yours.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Oh, cheers!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00- You haven't altered much.- Oh, aye? Cheers.- Cheers.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- You don't look a day older. - No? You do.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- Most people don't think so!- It's probably 'cos you've put weight on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15- I haven't! I've been careful about me diet!- Put on round here.- Really?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You've certainly put some on there!
0:13:18 > 0:13:24Most people have! People say it suits me. That I look like Ilie Nastase.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Who?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Nastase, the tennis player. - Tennis(!)
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I like it. I've joined the Rockcliff Club.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35God preserve us!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- I saw your mother the other day. She looked well.- Oh, aye?
0:13:39 > 0:13:44- It was through the car window. - Through the what?
0:13:44 > 0:13:51- The car window.- What car window? - MY car window!- You've got a car?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I haven't just got the window!
0:13:57 > 0:14:03- But you can't drive!- Of course I can! My second car this is.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- What happened to the first? - Too small.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Yeah, well, obviously, one of the first things I'll do is get a car.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Got a licence then? - Well, not exactly.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Army one won't count. Driving tanks isn't the same.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25- You've been away five years?- Yeah. - But you only signed on for three?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Yeah.- So you must've signed on for an extra two.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- I suppose so. - So, you must've enjoyed it!
0:14:33 > 0:14:41Well, I suppose, looking back, in retrospect, overall, by and large, it was a rewarding experience.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45There were enough good things to...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47compensate for the bad.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Do you want to sit down, mate?
0:14:50 > 0:14:55D'you know, I don't think that would be a bad idea.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Mind you, it gave me a chance to see some fantastic places!
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- Like Munchen Gladbach? - I wasn't in Germany ALL the time!
0:15:10 > 0:15:18- I've seen places the ordinary bloke would never get a chance to go to! - Like where?- Malta, for one.
0:15:18 > 0:15:25- I could tell you some things... - That's fantastic! I was there last year!
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Yeah, well, Malta's not much cop really. Anybody can get there.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I spent most time in Cyprus.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Famagusta?- Yes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40- In those medieval barracks near the port?- Yes, why?
0:15:40 > 0:15:46We were in the luxury hotel just beyond there! Seventh floor with a balcony!
0:15:46 > 0:15:51- We could look down on your quadrangle.- Parade ground!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56The brochure should've said, "On a clear day you can see Cpl Collier."
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It looked a desperate place!
0:16:00 > 0:16:07I only worked there! Every weekend I was off! I spent a week's leave in Tunis.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12That's INCREDIBLE! We were THERE this year! Smashing hotel.
0:16:12 > 0:16:18I was then posted to the Gobi Desert! Funny we didn't meet there(!)
0:16:18 > 0:16:21No, but it's a small world.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26While I've sat on my luxury hotel balcony sipping martinis,
0:16:26 > 0:16:33you've been an olive stone's throw away, in some dusty barracks swilling NAAFI beer!
0:16:33 > 0:16:40You're living in the dark ages. You've no idea what today's army's like! It's all sophisticated!
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Water skiing and growing your hair longer.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"Fill in coupon for free brochure"!
0:16:47 > 0:16:53Stop taking the mick! All I'm saying is I don't regret it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I'm glad. It makes me feel a whole lot better.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Glad you owe it to my flat feet.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Aye, well, let's drink to them, shall we?- Cheers.
0:17:07 > 0:17:13- What's all gone on while I've been away?- I don't know where to begin!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I told you about me appendix, didn't I? Well...
0:17:17 > 0:17:24Obviously, a fantastic amount has happened. Erm...let me think...erm...
0:17:24 > 0:17:29..let me see...erm... We've got BBC2 now!
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- We had that before I left. - Did we? Ee, how time flies!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Erm...what's been happening...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42What's happened...
0:17:42 > 0:17:49- Cloughie's retired and bought a newsagent's.- Has he? - And tobacconist's.- Really?
0:17:49 > 0:17:55- I bought a birthday card there for Mrs Morris.- How fantastic(!)
0:17:55 > 0:18:01And that's it, is it? That's a brief summary of what I've missed in five years?
0:18:01 > 0:18:07Cloughie's bought a newsagency and Mrs Morris has had a birthday(?)
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Come on, obviously a lot more than that has happened!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16You'd be surprised at the changes... if you'd kept in touch!
0:18:17 > 0:18:25I meant to, Bob. That first Christmas I fully intended to come round and patch things up.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Then me mam said you'd got engaged to Thelma Chambers.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- So, you know... - You NEVER liked Thelma, did you?
0:18:34 > 0:18:41I did! That's got nothing to do with it! It was just realising that nothing would be the same.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I just felt out of place. Nothing to do with Thelma. I admire her.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51We broke it off just after that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Did you?- Yeah.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Well, I can't say I'm sorry, Bob.
0:18:57 > 0:19:05That's a load off my mind! You're a mate and if you wanna get married, get married, but not to Thelma!
0:19:05 > 0:19:12You can do better than that! I never could understand what you saw in her!
0:19:12 > 0:19:19Didn't half give herself some airs! She was so stuck up, she thought her backside was a perfume factory!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23What's up?
0:19:25 > 0:19:30I am marrying Thelma Chambers in six weeks' time!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- But you just said... - We made it up again!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Bob...
0:19:35 > 0:19:42Please don't bother to apologise! "What does 'I'm sorry' mean? You can't turn back the clock."
0:19:42 > 0:19:47We obviously have little in common. It amazes me we ever did have.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53I wish you the best for the future. Give my regards to your parents.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Same again. No, I'll 'ave a short.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Scotch.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Where does this train stop next? Doncaster?- Aye.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15If I get off, I can get the next train back to London.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Never go back!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22I sacrificed the best five years of my life for that fellow!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And now he says he's getting married!
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Don't worry, sailor. There's plenty more.
0:20:59 > 0:21:06Thank you very much(!) I suppose letting me sleep on was a childish way of getting your own back!
0:21:06 > 0:21:11We might have exchanged harsh words, but a little tap wouldn't have hurt.
0:21:11 > 0:21:17I didn't see the point in telling you I was getting off at Doncaster.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19WHAT?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Oh, my God!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You met WHO?
0:21:29 > 0:21:37Oh, I knew it! I KNEW it! That photo was no accident. It was an act of God! An omen!
0:21:38 > 0:21:45And you're trapped with him in DONCASTER? Oh, this is it, isn't it? The point of no return.
0:21:45 > 0:21:53I hope you realise, Bob, that the next half hour could be a landmark in your life!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Any spare seats?- Free country.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12I expect you feel the cold after the Med.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14WHY?
0:22:14 > 0:22:20- Why did you get off here? - I thought it was the one place Bob Ferris hadn't been to!
0:22:24 > 0:22:30- No, seriously.- It's like you said, Bob, you can't turn the clock back.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- You said it first.- Whoever. It's true, that's the point.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Apart from me folks, there's nothing for me back home.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44There'll be more changes than Cloughie's newsagent's.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47We're not the same people we used to be.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52It was simple then birds, booze and the dance hall.
0:22:52 > 0:22:59Now it's the wife, tennis clubs, scampi supper dances and holidays in Malta.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04All me mates will have settled down with mortgages and children,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08saving green shield stamps for glasses!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I'll be a square peg in a round whatsit.
0:23:13 > 0:23:20When I was first in the army, I used to think, "When I get back...!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:27Then I thought, "When I get back, what?" Can't expect everything to have been in a deep freeze.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I envy you in a way.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35You've got your girl. You've got your second car. Good luck to you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- I'm very sorry, Terry. - Ah, it's OK.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45It's funny. Since we met, we've done nothing but apologise.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I know, I'm sorry about that...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Aye, well...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52What will you do then?
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I've always thought I should try London. Place to be.
0:23:57 > 0:24:05- Well, the permissive society is still going on there. - I might just catch the tail end.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- I caught a glimpse of it today in Soho.- Where?- Some strip club.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Dear me! Tut-tut.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I spent most of the day round the galleries.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I was just killing time.
0:24:19 > 0:24:26- Which club was it? - Knave of Hearts.- With the Maltese girl and boa constrictor?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31How do you know?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I passed it on my way to the Tate.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Is that why you went to London? To look at paintings and things?
0:24:39 > 0:24:45No, I went to get Thelma a special wedding present. Bond Street.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- What is it?- It's a barometer.
0:24:48 > 0:24:55It's a bit big, isn't it? She'll have a job sticking that in her mouth!
0:24:55 > 0:25:00You hang it on the wall. It shows you what the weather is!
0:25:00 > 0:25:05- You can look out the window! - She's always wanted one!
0:25:05 > 0:25:11- Bet her temperature will go up when you say you met me!- I already did. I rang her.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- She's meeting me.- What did she say?
0:25:14 > 0:25:21- She said this was my moment of truth.- People do not have moments of truth in station waiting rooms!
0:25:21 > 0:25:30- She said the threat of your return has cast a shadow over her future happiness.- She's very poetic.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33She's assistant librarian!
0:25:33 > 0:25:40Mind, I can appreciate her panic. Phone call must've put the wind right up her kilt!
0:25:40 > 0:25:45When she's meets your train, she'll only be 50% sure you'll be on it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Get stuffed. - She won't believe us sitting here.
0:25:49 > 0:25:56She'll have us in the latin quarter being seen to by two West Indian models!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01She knows me better than that. Trust a word you don't understand,
0:26:01 > 0:26:08what exists between two people who are going to get married. Not having to worry.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14Not having a care. Not having to be afraid. Not having doubts.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Besides, Doncaster hasn't got a latin quarter. Has it?
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Sure you won't change your mind, Terry? After all, it IS your home.
0:26:26 > 0:26:33No, me mind's made up. I can manage in London... once I get used to their beer!
0:26:33 > 0:26:40- Anyway, for your sake, I'm best out! I don't want to cast my wiry shadow over your happiness.- So, this is it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Aye.
0:26:42 > 0:26:49- See you in another five years. - I expect Cloughie will have a chain of shops by then!- Aye.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I'll say so long, then.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- So long.- God bless.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Cheers.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Bob?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57You've got a surpise for me.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Hello...Thelma.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Subtitles by Sharon Backer, TPL, for BB Subtitling, 1995