2:07:14 > 2:07:21.
2:07:26 > 2:07:28# Oh, what happened to you?
2:07:28 > 2:07:30# Whatever happened to me?
2:07:32 > 2:07:35# What became of the people
2:07:36 > 2:07:38# We used to be?
2:07:39 > 2:07:43# Tomorrow's almost over
2:07:43 > 2:07:46# Today went by so fast
2:07:46 > 2:07:50# Is the only thing to look forward to
2:07:50 > 2:07:53# The past? #
2:07:57 > 2:08:02I don't think the church is big enough, we've had so many yesses.
2:08:02 > 2:08:07We invited 150, but we banked on several not coming.
2:08:07 > 2:08:13I hoped some in particular would say no - your father's clan in Stoke-on-Trent.
2:08:13 > 2:08:16The Lawsons are coming from Exeter.
2:08:16 > 2:08:19I don't mind them! She's nice.
2:08:19 > 2:08:23He's fine now his asthma's gone, but that lot from Stoke...
2:08:23 > 2:08:26Didn't they win the pools?
2:08:26 > 2:08:28Money doesn't buy breeding, Bob.
2:08:28 > 2:08:36They don't know how to live in a decent house. They use their lavatory seats as picture frames.
2:08:36 > 2:08:38TERRY LAUGHS HEARTILY
2:08:39 > 2:08:43I don't know who we're going to seat THEM next to.
2:08:43 > 2:08:48Oh... No, of course, HE has to sit at the top table, being best man.
2:08:48 > 2:08:54- Taking care of the bridesmaid. Will you take care of me?- Certainly.
2:08:54 > 2:08:57We should've used St Andrew's!
2:08:57 > 2:09:05- Certainly not! No daughter of mine is marrying in a church that isn't C of E!- I don't see the difference!
2:09:07 > 2:09:09I mean, there are many roads to God.
2:09:09 > 2:09:16There may be many roads, but the Church of England is the M1, so to speak.
2:09:16 > 2:09:22So pedestrians, learners and people in invalid cars will never get to heaven!
2:09:22 > 2:09:26- Is he being rude? - Come on, Mum, it WAS witty.
2:09:26 > 2:09:31- "But some fell on stony ground." - I hope his speech will be funnier!
2:09:31 > 2:09:36- I'm not making a speech!- What? Of course he is. It's expected.
2:09:36 > 2:09:39However badly he does it.
2:09:39 > 2:09:43You have to toast the bridesmaids and read the telegrams.
2:09:43 > 2:09:46I will, but I'm not making a speech.
2:09:46 > 2:09:48- But it's expected!- Sorry.
2:09:48 > 2:09:54- The best man always makes a speech! - I can't be made to make a speech.
2:09:54 > 2:09:58- But you'll make such a GOOD one! - Pardon?
2:09:58 > 2:10:00It'll be the highlight of the day!
2:10:02 > 2:10:06- Will it?- It IS expected. And you ARE responding on my behalf.
2:10:06 > 2:10:08Am I?
2:10:08 > 2:10:12Well, perhaps...just this once.
2:10:12 > 2:10:17- We're only getting married this once, hopefully!- I won't do all this again.
2:10:17 > 2:10:20All this what, Robert?
2:10:20 > 2:10:25- All this...fuss.- This fuss, as you term it, is for your benefit.
2:10:25 > 2:10:32The bride's parents take charge of all this fuss, AND the expense involved.
2:10:32 > 2:10:38I want this day to be the most joyful, the happiest, my daughter's ever had.
2:10:38 > 2:10:42If it isn't, somebody will suffer!
2:10:42 > 2:10:46Why is this joyful day making us bad-tempered?
2:10:46 > 2:10:51- I'm not bad-tempered.- You've been bad-tempered all week.- I have not!
2:10:51 > 2:10:52Dearest.
2:10:52 > 2:10:57I'm perfectly happy to do anything you or your mother demand...
2:10:57 > 2:10:59er, suggest.
2:10:59 > 2:11:07There's so much to do! How will I do it? The dressmaker's due in ten minutes, and the caterer at twelve.
2:11:07 > 2:11:10OOH! We must do the pages' outfits!
2:11:10 > 2:11:14- Pages?! - Thelma's nephews, Dean and Kirk.
2:11:14 > 2:11:19- It's Royal Stuart with silk ruffles. - Isn't that a bit Presbyterian?
2:11:19 > 2:11:22Is he being rude?
2:11:22 > 2:11:25Actually, Mum, I worry about those two.
2:11:25 > 2:11:28Young Dean's such a...well...
2:11:28 > 2:11:31- Evil?- Yes, he's an evil child.
2:11:31 > 2:11:34I blame her. She lets him run riot.
2:11:34 > 2:11:39- He mustn't run riot at my wedding! - That's Terry's responsibility.
2:11:39 > 2:11:42- Eh?!- Listen.
2:11:42 > 2:11:47"In any disturbance, the best man will pour oil on troubled waters,
2:11:47 > 2:11:52"pacifying the parties concerned, with persuasive, polite...tact."
2:11:52 > 2:11:58- What does all that mean? - If Dean gives you stick, kick him up the kilt!
2:11:58 > 2:12:04I don't know where you get these coarse expressions. Oh - perhaps I do.
2:12:04 > 2:12:07DOORBELL RINGS
2:12:07 > 2:12:14- The dressmaker's early! - Good gracious, get rid of that coffee. There's so much to do!
2:12:14 > 2:12:18And you boys can't sit here all morning daydreaming.
2:12:18 > 2:12:22- You have to pick up your suits, haven't you?- Yes, yes!
2:12:22 > 2:12:25- And see to the taxis. - It's in hand.
2:12:25 > 2:12:29Don't forget the flowers. What have you got to do?
2:12:29 > 2:12:34- Bridesmaids' and bride's bouquets, buttonholes.- Right.
2:12:34 > 2:12:38And ring the vicar about the choir and the bell-ringers...
2:12:38 > 2:12:41and the use of his organ.
2:12:43 > 2:12:48Hell's teeth! Yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir!
2:12:48 > 2:12:51- Have you no say? - What can you do, man?
2:12:51 > 2:12:55You must draw the line somewhere! Be firm!
2:12:55 > 2:13:02- Like you were with Susan? "I'm not making a speech!" - I didn't want to offend her.
2:13:02 > 2:13:07- I don't want to offend Thelma. - But she's gonna be your wife!
2:13:07 > 2:13:12Look, man, it's their big day. You know what women feel about weddings.
2:13:12 > 2:13:20I know, but it's getting heavy. I'm amazed it's not in Durham Cathedral with the Dagenham Girl Pipers.
2:13:20 > 2:13:25They ought to cancel World Of Sport and televise your marriage instead!
2:13:25 > 2:13:27According to that book,
2:13:27 > 2:13:30the best man gives comfort and advice.
2:13:30 > 2:13:33I advise calling the whole thing off.
2:13:33 > 2:13:38It's too late. We had to pay the caterers in advance.
2:13:38 > 2:13:41What ARE my functions? Let's have a look.
2:13:41 > 2:13:43Ah, dear...
2:13:43 > 2:13:48Get you to the church on time... Stand by you during the ceremony...
2:13:48 > 2:13:50Settle the account in the vestry?!
2:13:50 > 2:13:56- Only if the bridegroom forgets, but YOU tip the verger.- The verger?!
2:13:56 > 2:14:04Is he tipped at every wedding? With christenings and funerals, he must take home more than the Archbishop!
2:14:04 > 2:14:07I just wish you'd take it seriously.
2:14:07 > 2:14:13That book says the best man is the hub around which the wedding revolves.
2:14:13 > 2:14:17It says I should find someone both gay and reliable.
2:14:17 > 2:14:20I won't let you down, sailor!
2:14:21 > 2:14:23I wonder!
2:14:23 > 2:14:31I know you were in the army, but I want no vulgarity in the House of God - it's not a parade ground.
2:14:31 > 2:14:38Friends of the bride! Step forward! Wait for it! Kneel, two, three! Pray, two, three!
2:14:39 > 2:14:43- USHERS look after the congregation. - Who are the ushers?
2:14:43 > 2:14:47Thelma's cousin, who you don't know, Podge Rowley...and John Gibson.
2:14:47 > 2:14:52- Not Big John?! - Aye, well, he IS a distant relative.
2:14:52 > 2:14:57I hope he's off the bottle! I don't want him drunk in charge of a pew!
2:14:57 > 2:14:59I'm told he sticks to beer nowadays.
2:14:59 > 2:15:04Yeah, well, I'll hang on to this and swot it up.
2:15:04 > 2:15:10- What's this? - Something Thelma's mother gave us. It's...er...a medical thing.
2:15:10 > 2:15:15Oh, aye? Good, good! Where are the dirty bits, then, eh? Here we are.
2:15:15 > 2:15:22"And so to bed, and the adventure of sleeping together for the rest of your lives."
2:15:22 > 2:15:26My God, what a boring thought! What else?
2:15:26 > 2:15:30"Will I make a good lover? Will I satisfy her?
2:15:30 > 2:15:32 "Will it hurt?"
2:15:32 > 2:15:36Well, it will if she keeps those boots on!
2:15:36 > 2:15:38"What will she think of my body?"
2:15:38 > 2:15:41Does she know about your knees?
2:15:41 > 2:15:45I've nothing to learn from that chapter, thank you!
2:15:45 > 2:15:52It's useful for other things... like shopping, and storage units, and household hints.
2:15:52 > 2:15:57I see that. They've a funny sense of priority, these family planners.
2:15:57 > 2:16:02Three pages on sex problems, and a whole chapter on floor coverings!
2:16:03 > 2:16:07I've nothing to learn from that chapter.
2:16:07 > 2:16:13It also says here, "Try to make sure that the bedroom is nice and warm,
2:16:13 > 2:16:17"and that the bed doesn't creak.
2:16:17 > 2:16:23- "There's nothing wrong with a sofa for a change." - It doesn't say that!- Darling!
2:16:23 > 2:16:28- Get off!- Darling, relax, sit back! The washing-up can wait!
2:16:28 > 2:16:33- Just close your eyes and think of England.- Get off, you silly bean!
2:16:33 > 2:16:35Is he being rude?
2:16:53 > 2:16:57- The trousers are the wrong size. - Aye, mine an' all.
2:16:57 > 2:17:01- Suspicious, that. - How do you mean, suspicious?
2:17:01 > 2:17:06- The way he takes so long over the trousers.- He's taking care.
2:17:06 > 2:17:09So should we, mate!
2:17:09 > 2:17:14I didn't like the way he lingered over my inside leg measurement.
2:17:14 > 2:17:19You're so thin - he was probably wondering if you had a leg in there.
2:17:19 > 2:17:21Better luck this time! Let's see...
2:17:21 > 2:17:24I'll manage, thank you, I'll manage.
2:17:24 > 2:17:28- Your friend seems...ill at ease. - Just nerves, I expect.
2:17:28 > 2:17:33Oh, I see. You're bound to, really, before the big day.
2:17:35 > 2:17:38- How do those seem?- Fine, fine.
2:17:39 > 2:17:42- Not too tight round the...? - Certainly not.
2:17:42 > 2:17:46- If you're sure... When's the event? - What?
2:17:46 > 2:17:48- Your wedding.- Oh, that. On Saturday.
2:17:48 > 2:17:51- I hope it keeps fine for you. - Why?
2:17:51 > 2:17:55Well, surely a little sunshine must help.
2:17:55 > 2:18:03- Are you worried we'll get the suits wet?- No, sir, but on such a day the ladies will want fine weather.
2:18:03 > 2:18:09Why? You won't have second thoughts just cos a cold front comes in from the Azores!
2:18:09 > 2:18:12Put that way, yes, you're right, sir.
2:18:12 > 2:18:15In fact, I was married in a blizzard.
2:18:18 > 2:18:22- You're married, are you? - Twelve years - three children.
2:18:22 > 2:18:26As a matter of fact, these trousers are a bit loose here.
2:18:26 > 2:18:29Oh, yes. Yes, I see, sir.
2:18:29 > 2:18:31Yes...
2:18:31 > 2:18:33- These are all right.- Oh, good!
2:18:33 > 2:18:37We have a waist problem here. I don't have a smaller size.
2:18:37 > 2:18:40He IS a bit on the narrow side!
2:18:40 > 2:18:42In shape, though.
2:18:42 > 2:18:47He's so thin that his mum makes his bed without seeing he's still in it.
2:18:50 > 2:18:52Should we get on?
2:18:52 > 2:18:55I'll have another check, sir.
2:18:55 > 2:18:58- Let's see your hat on. - Get off, will yer?
2:18:58 > 2:19:03You needn't wear it. You carry it with your prayer book and gloves in.
2:19:03 > 2:19:08- Do you?- Have you got gloves?- I have mittens, but the thumbs stick out.
2:19:08 > 2:19:14- No! Proper ones - thin, grey ones from here.- Oh, what a bloody farce!
2:19:14 > 2:19:17I'll look like an MC at the music hall!
2:19:17 > 2:19:21You'll need a buttonhole. Have you got carnations?
2:19:21 > 2:19:28Gloves, top hats, carnations - I'll never dare to go in the Black Horse again!
2:19:28 > 2:19:31St Mark's doesn't get many tail suits.
2:19:31 > 2:19:36It's mostly ill-fitting blue serge, with brown boots and heather sprigs.
2:19:36 > 2:19:43- We'll add class, bring Belgravia to Station Road. - It doesn't need Belgravia!
2:19:43 > 2:19:45Station Road, mate, is quite happy
2:19:45 > 2:19:49with honest-to-goodness, salt-of-the-earth serge.
2:19:49 > 2:19:56- It's just a concession to your middle-class mother-in-law. - No, it was my suggestion.- Never!
2:19:56 > 2:20:03It was her royal command! They're all the same, that lot, the middle classes!
2:20:03 > 2:20:10- Especially when promoted from lower divisions. - You're an inverted snob, you are!
2:20:10 > 2:20:18We're hiring suits for an occasion. We'll only wear them for five hours. It's not a betrayal of your class!
2:20:18 > 2:20:23- It's a betrayal of all I stand for! - We're only trying on tail coats!
2:20:23 > 2:20:28We're not taking elocution lessons, or doing the lancers.
2:20:28 > 2:20:33We won't have 1,000 guests dancing to Ed Mundo's Society Serenaders.
2:20:33 > 2:20:39You're still trying to be what you're not, wasting money on social aspirations.
2:20:39 > 2:20:46There's a million unemployed in this country - eight per cent in this area, including me!
2:20:46 > 2:20:50- I'll pay for the suits. - It's not the point!
2:20:50 > 2:20:58It's the principle of what we're fighting for. Equality! A decent wage for a job well done!
2:20:58 > 2:21:05A fair crack of the whip, a slice of the cake! A chance to hold your head high and bring kids up decent!
2:21:05 > 2:21:09Take away a man's work, and you take away his pride!
2:21:11 > 2:21:14You saw Panorama last night, didn't you?
2:21:16 > 2:21:20- Pardon?- Didn't you? - Well, so what? I never miss it.
2:21:20 > 2:21:27I am interested, mate, in the issues of today - in social injustices,
2:21:27 > 2:21:32in industrial rationalisation, and...the re-deployment of labour.
2:21:32 > 2:21:39Quote, quote! You saw Panorama cos the alternative was I Was A Teenage Werewolf, which you've seen before!
2:21:39 > 2:21:42What would you know? Eh? Eh?
2:21:42 > 2:21:49How can you possibly understand? You're marrying a Tory, and joining a squash club!
2:21:49 > 2:21:51So now you've a social conscience!
2:21:51 > 2:21:59The thoughts of Chairman Collier! After all those years of being an uncompromising "don't know"!
2:21:59 > 2:22:03What do you mean? I have always been solid Labour!
2:22:03 > 2:22:09You've always been a "don't know"! Your family has been for centuries!
2:22:09 > 2:22:13They probably tossed a coin for Roundheads or Cavaliers!
2:22:13 > 2:22:17- Listen... - I'll put a tuck in. Your gloves, sir.
2:22:17 > 2:22:24- The hat's too big.- Don't wear the hat, sir. Carry it like that, with gloves and prayer book inside.
2:22:24 > 2:22:27There! The bride will be very proud!
2:22:27 > 2:22:33- She can't stand the sight of me. - Perhaps she'll...grow to love you.
2:22:36 > 2:22:40- Strange thing to say! - He was married in a blizzard.
2:22:43 > 2:22:46Oh, I see! Well, I'll settle up.
2:22:49 > 2:22:51TERRY SIGHS
2:22:58 > 2:23:03- Do you feel as daft as I do? - I'm not very comfortable.
2:23:03 > 2:23:06- It's a load of cobblers. - Women like it.
2:23:06 > 2:23:12- Some women more than others. - Are you the groom? - No, thank God - best man.
2:23:12 > 2:23:20His in-laws want this rubbish. You know the type - come from nothing to a posh semi with a monkey tree.
2:23:20 > 2:23:25- She thinks she's the Jackie Onassis of Tudor Estate.- Do you have a pen?
2:23:25 > 2:23:30Hello, George! Terry, this is Thelma's dad, Mr Chambers.
2:23:32 > 2:23:37Well, you see, I'm very comfortable. You know I'm a builder.
2:23:37 > 2:23:44I did well in the post-war boom, survived a bad patch, and I'm doing all right now.
2:23:44 > 2:23:48But I was a brickie before, and I still am at heart!
2:23:48 > 2:23:53It's Thelma's mother what has all these fancy ideas.
2:23:53 > 2:23:58- It's "luncheon", even if I only want crackers and pickled onions.- Dear me.
2:23:58 > 2:24:05We only take The Telegraph to impress the newsagent's wife! All airs and graces!
2:24:05 > 2:24:07Aye, it's daft!
2:24:07 > 2:24:11But it's harmless enough...mostly.
2:24:11 > 2:24:14- I didn't mean any offence. - None taken, lad.
2:24:14 > 2:24:19I was just a bit upset at having to get all tarted up.
2:24:19 > 2:24:22Me, too. I won't dare come here again.
2:24:22 > 2:24:25- I said that! - I heard it through the curtain.
2:24:25 > 2:24:30It's just a uniform, isn't it? It's a suit for an occasion.
2:24:30 > 2:24:35Like for riding, you wear jodhpurs, and for cricket you put flannels on.
2:24:35 > 2:24:39For shooting, you wear a Norfolk jacket...
2:24:39 > 2:24:41In Norfolk, anyway.
2:24:41 > 2:24:45Well, explain that to my cousins from Stoke.
2:24:45 > 2:24:51I'm making a detour to get to church. My taxi's going via the bypass.
2:24:51 > 2:24:55- What for?! - I'm not braving the High Street!
2:24:55 > 2:25:02I can't pass the Ship, the Cross Keys, the Fat Ox, the Institute and billiard hall and not be spotted!
2:25:02 > 2:25:09I'll get stick from my father, if he comes. There's no love lost between him and the missus.
2:25:09 > 2:25:14Well, it's my duty as best man to pour oil on troubled waters.
2:25:14 > 2:25:18- You might have to if he's on the hard stuff.- Oh, aye?
2:25:18 > 2:25:21It might not be such a bad wedding!
2:25:21 > 2:25:29He's a canny old soul, my old man. An ex-pitman - chews shag tobacco, and leaves his hat on at t'table.
2:25:29 > 2:25:34- Granddad was a pitman - went on the Jarrow march.- But stopped at Durham.
2:25:34 > 2:25:37He was never a well man.
2:25:37 > 2:25:42Never a SOBER man - he and Wilf only marched till the pubs opened!
2:25:42 > 2:25:47Poor Uncle Wilf - he's still on that dole queue today.
2:25:47 > 2:25:52Your uncle AVOIDS work. He lives here BECAUSE of the unemployment.
2:25:52 > 2:25:57He's unique at the Labour Exchange. He was given a long-service medal!
2:25:57 > 2:25:59All I know...
2:26:02 > 2:26:10- It's true!- If my granddad caught me poncing about in this Ascot get-up, he'd turn in his grave.
2:26:10 > 2:26:12He was cremated!
2:26:13 > 2:26:17All right, then. He'd turn in his urn.
2:26:17 > 2:26:19Gloria?
2:26:19 > 2:26:22- Aye. - More whiskies!- Mr Chambers...
2:26:22 > 2:26:29Put it away, lad, put it away. With what this wedding's costing me, a few whiskies won't matter!
2:26:29 > 2:26:33I don't begrudge Bob and Thelma the cost.
2:26:33 > 2:26:39I'd just prefer to spend the money on something for them, for their house...
2:26:39 > 2:26:46- Like...er...- Storage units? - Aye, summat like that! Young couples need all the help they can get.
2:26:46 > 2:26:51In a week, it'll all be over. Live and let live - that's my view.
2:26:51 > 2:26:59It'll be over - champagne, confetti, speeches and all - and we can just get on with being married people.
2:26:59 > 2:27:04- The adventure of sleeping together for the rest of your lives.- Eh?
2:27:04 > 2:27:10I...I was just quoting from the book, the official one - medical and that.
2:27:10 > 2:27:13- Is that what it said?- Aye.
2:27:13 > 2:27:16I must have lost MY spirit of adventure!
2:27:18 > 2:27:20Here you are, lads - doubles.
2:27:20 > 2:27:26Of course, quite frankly... I mean, er, frankly speaking...
2:27:26 > 2:27:33- I don't think young people SHOULD marry - I'm speaking frankly, you understand?- I understand.
2:27:33 > 2:27:37I've been through it all. My marriage failed.
2:27:37 > 2:27:39- Ah...- No, it wasn't all her fault.
2:27:39 > 2:27:47These things happen, but I wouldn't want it to happen to Bob and your...lovely daughter, Thelma.
2:27:47 > 2:27:50Yeah, well, you never know, do you?
2:27:50 > 2:27:57The answer is living together. People should live together. That's what happens now.
2:27:57 > 2:27:59It is according to my Sunday paper!
2:27:59 > 2:28:02It seems to be the thing nowadays.
2:28:02 > 2:28:06You see, marriage is an outdated institution.
2:28:06 > 2:28:10Did you get that from Panorama, and all?
2:28:10 > 2:28:12You can't live together, not here.
2:28:12 > 2:28:16It's OK in London, or Paris, or Sunderland...
2:28:16 > 2:28:19but not on Elm Lodge Housing Estate.
2:28:19 > 2:28:22- Why not? - Because you can't, that's all!
2:28:22 > 2:28:29They have Rotary committees and clubs, and they'd call it living in sin, or co-habiting,
2:28:29 > 2:28:33and they wouldn't ask you to their parties.
2:28:33 > 2:28:40That's my point! It's another middle-class hang-up! Why care what people think?
2:28:40 > 2:28:43On an estate, you live near others.
2:28:43 > 2:28:48However sick you get of the chatter and Jimmy Young, you're part of it.
2:28:48 > 2:28:51It's easier to join them than lick them.
2:28:51 > 2:28:56- You won't get a mortgage otherwise. - What a provincial attitude!
2:28:56 > 2:29:01I live in the provinces! That explains my provincial attitude!
2:29:01 > 2:29:06What would you prefer? An Albanian attitude? Or a Peruvian one?
2:29:06 > 2:29:12Or Zulu? I'll live with five wives in a mud hut on the public bowling green!
2:29:12 > 2:29:15They'd never stand for that!
2:29:16 > 2:29:20Take the woman on Sycamore Avenue, living with an Indian.
2:29:20 > 2:29:23Ostracised at the Co-op.
2:29:23 > 2:29:30- It's just your small-town mentality, that's all.- I've never seen you as a free-wheeling non-conformist!
2:29:30 > 2:29:38What'll YOU do now? Live in a loft with a women's lib folk singer? Get a job before you criticise others!
2:29:38 > 2:29:43I've lost five years, thanks to someone not a million miles away.
2:29:43 > 2:29:48I'm top of the handicap. You all had a five-year start on me.
2:29:48 > 2:29:53I just got a broken marriage, a bad leg and a tattoo on my left buttock.
2:29:53 > 2:29:57- We're back to...! - Steady, lads, steady! Come on!
2:29:57 > 2:30:05Stab me! This wedding's caused enough rows - me and the missus, me and the relatives, now you two.
2:30:05 > 2:30:08I should've bought you a ladder, Bob.
2:30:08 > 2:30:13You could have eloped, and saved all this time and money.
2:30:13 > 2:30:19Do you fancy that? There's a ladder at the yard that'd reach Thelma's window.
2:30:19 > 2:30:24It's too late - the invites have been sent and the caterers paid.
2:30:24 > 2:30:26Well, it was just a thought.
2:30:26 > 2:30:31The economics don't worry me - it's the fuss and bother!
2:30:31 > 2:30:38- It's like a royal gala that's got out of hand!- I told Bob to draw the line somewhere.
2:30:39 > 2:30:46I think he's right. I do. It's time we men made a stand, and got things into perspective.
2:30:46 > 2:30:54- What can we do?- Well, we can have a few more jars, just for a start, to confirm our convictions.
2:30:54 > 2:30:59- And then - we will strike a blow for man's lib!- How?
2:30:59 > 2:31:02Well, we can't burn our bras...
2:31:02 > 2:31:07But, for a start, we can take these bloody things back!
2:31:07 > 2:31:09- Right!- Right!
2:31:09 > 2:31:11Right!
2:31:13 > 2:31:16- THEY SLUR SPEECH: - A token of solidarity!
2:31:16 > 2:31:21- All for all, one for one! - Is that right?- It'll do, won't it?
2:31:21 > 2:31:24- Power to the people!- All for one!
2:31:24 > 2:31:28- One for all! That's it! - Where's Mr Inside-Leg gone?
2:31:28 > 2:31:30CHOP, CHOP!
2:31:30 > 2:31:36- Listen, Bob. No second thoughts now. - This is merely the start, George.
2:31:36 > 2:31:41I shall swap the Rolls for a Mini, halve the flowers, cancel the choir,
2:31:41 > 2:31:46and the bell-ringer will be getting the elbow...BOI-OI-OI-OI-OING!
2:31:46 > 2:31:48- And I will not tip the verger!
2:31:48 > 2:31:51He won't take kindly to that!
2:31:51 > 2:31:54Then I'll kick him up the cassock.
2:31:54 > 2:31:57- Up the what? - The cassock. Very painful.
2:31:57 > 2:32:01- Hey, what's a cassock? - It's a thing a verger wears.
2:32:01 > 2:32:09- That's a hassock! - NO! A hassock is what you kneel on! - I thought it was a Russian horseman.
2:32:09 > 2:32:11No, you fool! That's a Cossack!
2:32:13 > 2:32:16- He played for Liverpool! - That's Toshack!
2:32:16 > 2:32:19BOTH: Bless you!
2:32:21 > 2:32:28- They've been drinking! What are they up to? They've been drinking! - No, love, no!
2:32:28 > 2:32:35- Just a swift half. - We just toasted the bride and groom. - Aye.- Why are you here, dearest?
2:32:35 > 2:32:40To get the pages' outfits. Shouldn't you be at the florist's?
2:32:40 > 2:32:44They've been drinking! Come on, what are you doing here?
2:32:44 > 2:32:47- Fair question, love.- Fair question.
2:32:47 > 2:32:54- Why ARE we here? - We...came to get our morning suits. - We've just arrived.- That were it!
2:32:54 > 2:32:59- Morning suits!- We've so much to do! - What time does the florist close?
2:32:59 > 2:33:02CHAMBERS: Woman's work is never done.
2:33:02 > 2:33:03MEN(!)
2:33:03 > 2:33:11That's right, a Rolls. One Rolls, and a Princess for the bridesmaids, and the Zephyr for the parents.
2:33:11 > 2:33:14Yes. Thank you very much.
2:33:14 > 2:33:18- HE SIGHS DEEPLY - It's all too much. You were right.
2:33:18 > 2:33:20Have I missed anything?
2:33:20 > 2:33:26- Cars?- Hired. - Photographers?- Contacted. - Flowers?- Arranged.
2:33:26 > 2:33:29- Bell-ringers?- Rung. - Hymns?- Booked.
2:33:29 > 2:33:34- That's about it, then!- Phew. - Till Saturday.- What happens then?
2:33:34 > 2:33:36You get married on Saturday!
2:33:36 > 2:33:39Oh, yes. I get married on Saturday.
2:33:39 > 2:33:43After this, that'll be a piece of cake.
2:33:43 > 2:33:46- Cake?- Baked - arrives Friday.
2:33:46 > 2:33:48Already paid for.
2:33:48 > 2:33:53There's the choir and the vicar's organ, and I must tip the verger.
2:33:53 > 2:33:56What does a choir cost?
2:33:56 > 2:34:03Depends. If it's the Vienna State Choir, or the Huddersfield Choral Society, more than you can afford.
2:34:03 > 2:34:06On the other hand, if you only aspire
2:34:06 > 2:34:10to St Mark's Syncopated Six, it will cost...
2:34:10 > 2:34:14Let's have a look. Here we are - choirs.
2:34:14 > 2:34:17Boys, 40p. Men and women, 70p.
2:34:17 > 2:34:21It was a shilling when I was in the choir!
2:34:21 > 2:34:28- I can just see you in your surplice and Toshack! - I had a fine little voice.
2:34:28 > 2:34:33I'll use that in my speech. There's a bit here about the speeches.
2:34:33 > 2:34:42It says, "It is a good idea for the best man's speech to give intimate details of the groom's childhood."
2:34:42 > 2:34:47Don't mention Deirdre Birchwood. We've got enough hang-ups as it is!
2:34:47 > 2:34:52Never mind! By next week, you'll have begun the great adventure!
2:34:52 > 2:34:55I'll be too tired to think of sex!
2:34:55 > 2:34:58Spend the week laying floor coverings.
2:34:58 > 2:35:01Or putting in your storage units.
2:35:01 > 2:35:05- Marriage is more than storage units. - I told you that.
2:35:05 > 2:35:10And I should have listened. I should have eloped.
2:35:10 > 2:35:14Never mind. The women like it. Think of it that way.
2:35:14 > 2:35:19- Hello.- Hello, pet.- How's it going? - Everything's under control.
2:35:19 > 2:35:22We're getting through it all.
2:35:22 > 2:35:26- Really exciting, isn't it?(!) - Do you really think so?
2:35:26 > 2:35:29It's driving me out of my mind.
2:35:29 > 2:35:34My hairdresser's gone on holiday, and Denny has never done mine before.
2:35:34 > 2:35:38The dressmaker can't guarantee Susan's alterations,
2:35:38 > 2:35:43Mother's driving me up the wall, and Dean set fire to his kilt!
2:35:45 > 2:35:51Don't get upset, pet. Come on, now. Pull yourself together. Don't get upset.
2:35:51 > 2:35:54It'll be all right on the night!
2:35:54 > 2:35:56On the day!
2:35:58 > 2:36:05Why didn't you ask me to elope? Why didn't we live together? We should have done.
2:36:05 > 2:36:07Marriage is an outdated institution.
2:36:07 > 2:36:11So Claire Bloom says. So everybody says.
2:36:11 > 2:36:13Thelma!
2:36:13 > 2:36:18Don't just sit there! You're the best man! You've read the book!
2:36:18 > 2:36:22In moments of crisis, you should give comfort and advice.
2:36:25 > 2:36:28I'll go and get that ladder!
2:36:28 > 2:36:32# Oh, what happened to you?
2:36:32 > 2:36:35# Whatever happened to me?
2:36:35 > 2:36:39# What became of the people
2:36:39 > 2:36:43# We used to be?
2:36:43 > 2:36:46# Oh, what happened to you?
2:36:46 > 2:36:49# Whatever happened to me?
2:36:50 > 2:36:54# What became of the people
2:36:54 > 2:36:56# We used to be? #
2:36:57 > 2:37:01Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995