0:00:01 > 0:00:03# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# What became of the people
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Today went by so fast
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# Is the only thing to look forward to...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# The past? #
0:00:33 > 0:00:35CLEARS THROAT
0:00:35 > 0:00:39My wife and I... I must get used to saying that!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41LAUGHS FALSELY
0:00:41 > 0:00:45My wife and I wish to thank you all for coming today,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50and especially Mr and Mrs Chambers for laying on this wonderful do.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55And to Thelma's Uncle Norman, a special thanks for his kind words.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00I don't know how to follow a funny speech like that, so I won't try.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Rats!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, yes.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Thank you...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10for the lovely presents.
0:01:10 > 0:01:16Luckily Thelma and I like toast we now have a toast rack for every day of the week.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19(That'll get a laugh at the wedding.)
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Seriously, we've had some lovely presents...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- haven't we, darling? - DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Thelma's Uncle Norman has known Thelma since she was so high.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35I myself have known her... since...she...was...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37..not much higher.
0:01:37 > 0:01:45In fact, since Park Junior School, Form 4B, on that fateful summer day when her desk was put next to mine.
0:01:45 > 0:01:51So you can see that the...affair has hardly been a whirlwind romance.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52No, no!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Rather, it has been a...
0:01:58 > 0:01:59..a...
0:01:59 > 0:02:05Long, boring affair of no interest to anybody but the pair of you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:13..an affair which, as the song says, "grows better every day, and stronger in every way."
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- God preserve us! - Hey, listen, listen...
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Luckily Thelma and I like toast we now have a toast rack for every day of the week!
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Well?- Won't that get a laugh at the wedding?
0:02:31 > 0:02:37Hardly. Don't try to be funny, Bob. You're terrible at telling jokes.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Say what you like tonight. Nothing will get up my nose.
0:02:41 > 0:02:47I'm above it all, on a different plane. It's just mind over matter.
0:02:47 > 0:02:54Tranquillity comes from discipline, plus four sleeping pills and six tranquillisers.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58No?! You'll sleep through the honeymoon!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And some travel pills and an Iron Jelloid.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- Iron Jelloid?!- That was a mistake. I hope it won't clash.
0:03:06 > 0:03:13You'll become a drug addict overnight! Poor Thelma thinks she's marrying a man with prospects.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What a shock tomorrow night!
0:03:15 > 0:03:21She'll lie there in her new nightie, and you'll be writhing on the floor,
0:03:21 > 0:03:29having the cold turkey, foaming at the mouth, pulling at your hair, yelling "Where's my Iron Jelloid?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:38The pills haven't made me tired at all, but I do feel tranquil very tranquil and calm and relaxed.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I can't find the ring.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44WHAT?! YOU IDIOT! I KNEW IT!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Calm down! I'm just testing your discipline and control.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Don't joke about it! You could've damaged my metabolism.
0:03:53 > 0:04:01The only way to unwind is to get some bevvies in you. Get your coat. The lads are down the Black Horse.
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- What lads?- All of them Sid, Steve, John, Tony, Big Dave...everybody.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Well, they can stay there. I told you I wasn't going out.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That's why I asked you round just us two.
0:04:14 > 0:04:21I know, I know. It's my little surprise I arranged it behind your back.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Thank you very much, but I've got my packing to do.
0:04:25 > 0:04:32- But it's your stag night! - I don't want a stag not in the traditional sense.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34What IS the traditional sense?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38All that last-minute, desperate drunkenness.
0:04:38 > 0:04:45What's wrong with last-minute, desperate drunkenness? That's a proper stag party. God in heaven!
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Now it's an evening in for two, instead of a booze-up and punch-up.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I won't go near a pub.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59You'll sit here in the lotus position, a drugged zombie with your cocoa.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05People nowadays don't have night-before rave-ups, and I won't either.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10You should feel ashamed, breaking tradition like this.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Stag parties SHOULD be drunken dos, the night before.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19It gives the wedding some drama no-one's sure the groom'll make it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24I've every intention of making it, so I'm staying in and staying sober.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29You'll be ticking away the hours to blast-off. It'll be agony.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Blast-off?! I'm not going into lunar orbit!
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I'm getting married in the morning, and I want to turn up looking good,
0:05:37 > 0:05:42and refreshed, and respectable, and a credit to my bride.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47If I go out with you, I'll end up in a police cell or casualty ward,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50or handcuffed to a North Sea oil rig.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- What will the lads think? - Whatever they like.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58You'll never look them in the eyes again.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02If we go out I'll never look at ANYONE again.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Bob, please, think! I appeal to you!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Think of the stags of the past,
0:06:07 > 0:06:11the lads whose memory you're letting down
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Bob Shearer at the wrong church,
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Tony Charles vomiting in the vestry, and John Webb and the stomach pump.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Was that in vain?
0:06:21 > 0:06:26More fool them! I told you how I'd spend my stag night.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Drinking after the tranquillisers could be dangerous.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Sometimes you must live dangerously.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39If you always worry about tomorrow you won't eat for fear of a sore stomach,
0:06:39 > 0:06:44or drink for fear of a sore head or make love for fear of a sore...back.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47You have to live for now, for today.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Keep some spontaneity about life,
0:06:50 > 0:06:55some adventure and excitement I'm right, aren't I?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59So what are we going to do?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Have some tea and a game of Ludo.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11All packed, all done!
0:07:11 > 0:07:18- No last-minute panic, no last-minute rush. - You'd make a wonderful road manager.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23I feel happier in my mind knowing that it's all done and I'm packed.
0:07:23 > 0:07:30Should we head for the church now, to avoid last-minute panic, and get ourselves a good pew?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Let me see passport, ticket, travellers' cheques.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39I need sterling for the airport but that can come from my Ludo winnings.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- You'll get your money!- Any time, Terry, before tomorrow teatime.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- Stupid game, Ludo it's just luck. - What were you doing while I packed?
0:07:49 > 0:07:57- Improving your Ludo?- I was burning with anticipation, waiting for the epilogue in the shipping forecast.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- Cocoa?- I'll cocoa you before this night's over!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Read this.- What is it? - Our honeymoon holiday brochure.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I prefer solo Ludo, thanks very much!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I've always wanted to ski, and Norway's so handy!
0:08:13 > 0:08:20Tomorrow night we'll be in our chalet. I'll think I'll cope. We've done the exercises.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You've done what?!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26You've done pre-marital exercises?!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30For skiing!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33For poise and balance and suppleness.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It'll end in tears, this honeymoon.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Once your poise goes, you'll lose your balance and topple off.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You should see this hotel.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"We serve an international cuisine.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"We have a sauna and beauty parlour,
0:08:49 > 0:08:55"and in the Troll Bar, guests can relax with an apres-ski cocktail."
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- What's "apres-ski"? - After ski, after the skiing!
0:08:59 > 0:09:04After skiing, you'll be relaxing with a leg in plaster to the thigh.
0:09:04 > 0:09:11"For late-night revellers, the Viking Disco will play the latest grooves till dawn."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14But not for limbless ex-skiers!
0:09:14 > 0:09:21You're bound to break something a leg, or a collarbone or get flu, or frostbite.
0:09:21 > 0:09:28- How can I get frostbite?- Easily! You're going to Norway. You get frostbite in places like that.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Fancy getting frostbite on your honeymoon!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35It attacks extremities, you know.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39It's a skiing holiday, not a polar expedition!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44That brochure only shows the centrally-heated indoors.
0:09:44 > 0:09:50They don't mention the glaciers and the avalanches, and the man-eating wolves!
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Where do you get all this from? "Biggles In The Arctic"?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58A honeymoon's a fairly important occasion.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03It's SUPPOSED to be the first time you embark on sleeping together.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Why take unnecessary risks?
0:10:07 > 0:10:15You'll spend it mostly in bed anyway. Go to Edinburgh and be safe. You won't get eaten by a wolf there.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- I won't get eaten by a wolf anyway! - Well, don't blame me if you are.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25Just remember that if you do break something, whatever it may be,
0:10:25 > 0:10:30while you're stuck in a wheelchair in the Troll Bar with an apres-ski,
0:10:30 > 0:10:36a six-foot, blond ski instructor will have your Thelma on the slopes!
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Look, I don't have doubts about Thelma's faithfulness.
0:10:41 > 0:10:48She won't be flashing signals at every Tom, Dick and Sven every time my back is broken.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I mean turned. What sort of girl do you think she is?
0:10:52 > 0:10:57It's got nothing to do with her, Bob...nothing whatsoever.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01It happens to English girls when they're overseas.
0:11:01 > 0:11:08It happens all the time, all the time, to all sorts, even staunch Methodist girls.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Even Cousin Olive, the postmistress, is now married to a Maltese chippy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Thelma's a librarian! - That's the sort!
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Did you see The News Of The World's expose on English girls abroad?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"Wild and willing", they call 'em.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Once across the Channel, they drop it all
0:11:29 > 0:11:32reserves, morals, and knickers.
0:11:32 > 0:11:39Only in unguarded moments on sun-soaked beaches do they let passion rule discretion.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44- You DID read the News Of The World! - Yes, but they didn't mention Norway.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48One snowy slope is very much like another,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52as is one blond ski instructor, or one dark-haired DJ.
0:11:52 > 0:12:00- They're the same breed.- What WOULD I do in a situation like that? What WOULD I do if I broke a leg?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Only one thing.- What?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Break Thelma's leg.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Sweet dreams!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Thought you'd be fast asleep by now.
0:12:12 > 0:12:19- The pills don't work. Perhaps I'll read a bit. - We shouldn't have played Ludo.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23All that tense excitement got your adrenalin going.
0:12:24 > 0:12:31I'll re-write my speech. That joke about the parrot... Did that make you laugh?
0:12:31 > 0:12:38- It was the best bit of the evening. - And the toast-rack bit? I might take that out.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I don't want to be too controversial. Oh!
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- What's wrong? - I thought for a moment...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I felt a yawn coming on.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50How about another cup of cocoa?
0:12:50 > 0:12:55No, perhaps you've had one too many already. We'd better not chance it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Oh, shut up. Get into bed. Get some sleep.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Do I have to sleep with you? Why can't I be in the spare?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07With Aunt Beattie? There'd be talk!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Give us room, then.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Move your feet! - There's a warm bit there!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Howay!
0:13:17 > 0:13:24- Thelma wouldn't approve. - She'd not believe the night we had! - I can't either.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28You know, I don't think it was a yawn.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- I think it was just wind. - Now you tell me!
0:13:32 > 0:13:39I might take a different pill. There were some pretty yellow ones with hundreds and thousands inside.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Where?! - In my mother's medicine cabinet.
0:13:43 > 0:13:50You can't go rummaging in there, picking things out at random just cos they're pretty!
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Look, just close your eyes...close your eyes and think of some fantasy.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- You'll soon be away. - All right, then.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Goodnight, kid.- Goodnight, Terry.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- What the hell's this?!- What?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I got it for tomorrow, for emergencies be prepared.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10You scheming, rotten...!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I've had my fantasy.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- What happened?- We won.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35- Won what?- The cup and league double, four one at Wembley against Arsenal.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Good.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- I'm still wide awake, though. - Give it a whirl go into Europe.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52We're losing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We're losing away to AC Milan.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Bring on a substitute yourself.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- I always do, then score a goal with a minute to go.- We'll only draw!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Well, away goals count double!
0:15:07 > 0:15:13For God's sake, think of something else. Try the girls on Top Of The Pops.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I've got one.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I've had this one before, but I never tire of it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38It's in Barbados, or Montego Bay.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I'm on this big, white horse, on a long, white beach.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And there's a girl, coming out of the sea.
0:15:46 > 0:15:53I can see her hair, streaming in the breeze, and the firm swell of her breasts,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and her boyishly flat stomach.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Go on, go on.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14- She's naked, except for a knife tied round her thigh.- BRONZED thigh.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yes, her BRONZED thigh.
0:16:16 > 0:16:23We meet, and we kiss, and we cling, our wet bodies locked together in a warm embrace.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"I want you now," I whisper. "Now, now!"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"Wait, darling," she sighs.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"I can't," I say, afire at her touch.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37"I want you now, with the sun and the sea and the sand."
0:16:37 > 0:16:42"But, darling," she says, "we've got so much time."
0:16:42 > 0:16:47"No, we haven't," I say. "The tide's coming in!"
0:16:50 > 0:16:54It's one of them frustration ones. Yeah, I get a lot of them.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Who was the girl? Ursula Thing?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It was Thelma.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Thelma?!
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Thelma?! Why her? Why not a film star or somebody?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13I love her! I'm marrying her in a few hours.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You can still fantasise, can't you?
0:17:15 > 0:17:22Loving her doesn't give her automatic access to your fantasies! It's a waste of a fantasy!
0:17:22 > 0:17:29I never wasted them on MY wife. She was in bed when I went to sleep, and when I woke up.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32In between she never had a look-in.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- TERRY SIGHS - What fantasies did you have?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45The usual.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Being a judge for Miss World...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and being bribed.
0:17:52 > 0:18:00Being wounded in the Israeli army, and nursed by girls doing National Service before they became models.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Or else I'm a ski instructor. - Watch it!
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Sometimes, I'm the new master at the girls' high school.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16That one seems to come back more and more.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yes...gymslips.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27I worry about that. The sexiest TV programme is Top Of The Form, not Top Of The Pops!
0:18:27 > 0:18:33If I have too many school fantasies, I balance it with a nice sporty one.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Last week I won the Ascot Gold Cup.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Who was on you? Lester Piggott?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45He's heavier than he looks. My fetlocks are killing me.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- Aye, well. Let's get some sleep. - Aye, goodnight, Terry.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Goodnight.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02No!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04No!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Miss Morocco, I couldn't possibly!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27HE COUGHS
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Terry?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Terry?- Mmm!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, my God!!
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- It's only me.- You fool, standing there dressed like that!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I thought you were an undertaker.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I thought I'd died.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Oh!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I'm sorry.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Did I wake you? - Well, of course you woke me!
0:19:59 > 0:20:06I was just teaching PT to a horde of Israeli sixth-form school girls, an' all.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09They were just about to turn on me.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- I can't sleep.- Is that what you woke me up to tell me?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I haven't slept a wink.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23- Why are you dressed up like that? - I'm having a dress rehearsal.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27At four o'clock in the morning?!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I'm not doing it at the last minute.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35Oh, for God's sake, man! Get your hat off and get some sleep.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I can't.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I can't! I know I can't.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41TERRY SIGHS
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- What are you doing NOW?- Keep your voice down! Don't disturb me mother.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Charming!
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- What ARE you doing? - Re-writing my wedding speech.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Well, can't you do that downstairs?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- I don't want to disturb the cat. - You what?! You what?!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Well, he's been out all night.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Lucky bloody cat!
0:21:07 > 0:21:13- This won't work! Have you a pencil? - I don't have one on me. How careless!
0:21:18 > 0:21:24D'you need ALL the lights? Can't you use a torch or your luminous rabbit?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Well, I...
0:21:25 > 0:21:30- Aaah, look what you've done now! - Me? What have I done?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- What'll I do, Terry?- Don't ask me!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37But I AM asking you, Terry! It's one of your functions.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42The best man deals with emergencies, and telegrams, and taxis.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45It's gone right through!
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- The ink's gone through!- Wiping that off isn't my idea of an emergency!
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- What'll I do?- I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing
0:21:56 > 0:22:01whatever it is we DO do, we're gonna have a drink with it!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04TUMBLE DRYER HUMS
0:22:13 > 0:22:18So we had our party after all, eh? I knew I'd get you out in the end.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23I knew the lure of bright lights would prove too much for you.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26There you are.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's foamy! That's had soap powder in it!
0:22:29 > 0:22:36Get it down yer! With those pills rattling about, a little detergent won't matter.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It might give me inner cleanliness!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Here's to you!- Cheers.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And thanks, Terry, for staying to keep me company.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- My privilege!- I'll put all this in my speech tomorrow.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Ugh!- That'll get a laugh at the wedding.- What a night!
0:22:54 > 0:23:01Never mind. On the town at last! Canny little place, this the best laundrette in town.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06We'll have a couple here, then try the new one in the High Street,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10and the tea stall in the fish market.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16After that, St George's Outpatients is always good for a laugh at dawn!
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I feel strange. I'd better not have too much drink with all those drugs.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I feel dizzy watching my trousers go round.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29If you'd had a stag party, this wouldn't have happened.
0:23:29 > 0:23:36You'd have had a few drinks, passed out, gone home, been sick, and fallen asleep.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I suppose it's tension, inner tension...
0:23:39 > 0:23:46or deep-down nerves, because tomorrow's the most important day of my life.
0:23:46 > 0:23:53TODAY is the most important day! I hope the trousers dry before you get to the church.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- I feel terrible!- So do I. That's nights in for you.
0:23:57 > 0:24:04- What did you do the night before you got married? - I had a stag party, a classic!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07What a night! It's still the talk of BAOR.
0:24:07 > 0:24:14It was in the corporals' mess with the artillery lads and the Jocks from the Gordons.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19I had 14 pints and some scotch, and beat up a bombadier.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22The drink made you mellow, did it?
0:24:22 > 0:24:29Lewis broke a fire hydrant. Shillingford broke a bone falling off the roof.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34- What was he doing ON the roof? - Getting his shoes.- Silly question!
0:24:34 > 0:24:39The CSM hit a Kraut, and the Scouse was sick on the regimental mascot.
0:24:39 > 0:24:45What a charming party! Why didn't I read about it in Jennifer's Diary?
0:24:45 > 0:24:52The lads pulled me trousers down and boot-polished me six hours before the service, an' all.
0:24:52 > 0:24:58- Did it come off?- By the time I was de-mobbed it lost most of its shine.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03And that's your idea of a great pre-marital evening?
0:25:03 > 0:25:11I had no trouble sleeping, no inner tension. They put me to bed and the next thing I knew, I had a wife.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Bob?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Bob!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Come on, Bob!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Wakey, wakey! Come on!
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Don't just lie there. I'm not giving YOU the kiss of life.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Come on! You're getting married tomorrow!
0:25:34 > 0:25:39- SINGS WEDDING MARCH:- Pom, pom, pom-pom! Pom, pom, pom-pom!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- #- Pom, pom...- #
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- Evening, officer.- Someone's had a good evening by the look of things.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Someone's painted the town a bit red.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Well, we haven't!
0:25:54 > 0:25:59Oh, aye? Pull the other one. You REEK of spirits.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02All we've had is cocoa and a few fantasies!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Cocoa(!)
0:26:09 > 0:26:14- Don't you have homes to go to?- Yes, but we're waiting for his trousers.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Come on, lad, wake up!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Come on!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Pull yourself together. He's as drunk as a...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29He's not, he's not! He's...he's not had a drop!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31He's out cold!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35That's not the drink, that's the drugs!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Ah, smashing!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Ah, what a fantastic night's sleep!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Oh, all those Israeli girls!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Mind you, the sand gets everywhere.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Ooh! Has me mam brought the tea yet?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Not yet.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Where's my lamp shade gone?
0:27:05 > 0:27:10- Where's my bedroom gone? Terry, where are we?!- Leave off!
0:27:10 > 0:27:16Don't panic, get a grip. There's nothing to worry about. We're in a cell.
0:27:16 > 0:27:23- What cell? Why?- We are being held under the Emergency Powers Act, pending further investigation.
0:27:23 > 0:27:29- Get us out of here!- Calm down! It's not death row.- Why are we here?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Why are we in a cell? What happened?
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- Remember the police box and the strange doctor?- Be serious.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- Do you remember the laundrette? - Oh, God! Aye.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Your system collapsed after all the scotch, pills and detergent.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- The law brought us in. - On what charge?
0:27:50 > 0:27:56I don't know. Vagrancy? Disorderly conduct? Drunk in charge of a spin-dryer?
0:27:56 > 0:28:01- What time is it?- It's OK, I told them you're getting married.
0:28:01 > 0:28:07They may escort you to the church a motorcade of blue lights and sirens!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09IMITATES SIREN
0:28:09 > 0:28:14God! Thelma's mum nearly died when a policeman asked me for road tax.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Alive, is he?
0:28:21 > 0:28:28- We're sorry for any inconvenience we've caused, sir. - What's gonna happen?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31There are no charges. Get yourselves home.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35- Thank you, sir.- You...- Thanks. - You never learn!
0:28:35 > 0:28:42Stag parties! Why didn't you have it earlier, and stay in the night before the wedding?
0:28:47 > 0:28:52It...It's an important day, you know. It's the most important of your life.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56You mustn't turn up looking and feeling terrible...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00..like I did.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I'll remember next time, sir.
0:29:03 > 0:29:08How many wives are you planning on? Let's get you home and dressed.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10By the way...
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I think these are yours.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Well, that'll get a laugh at the wedding!
0:29:46 > 0:29:53Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995