0:00:01 > 0:00:03# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:14# What became of the people we used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:21# Tomorrow's almost over Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:28# Is the only thing to look forward to the past? #
0:00:34 > 0:00:39- Come on, now. Stir yourself, my lad. - Oh, what time is it?
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Half past eight.- Only half eight? - That's late enough.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I must do this room today. It's not been touched since you got back.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- It smells like a... What's your army expression?- Maltese brothel.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Terry!
0:00:55 > 0:01:01It's made you coarse, the army has, crude. I was going to say a gorilla's armpit.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Hardly the height of gentility.
0:01:05 > 0:01:13Well, don't you bring any of your barrack-room ways or Maltese brothels into this house.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- My, let's open a window. Get some air in.- Uh.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21It smells like last night's beer and last week's socks.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27It should smell of my aftershave which makes me dangerous to be with.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31What's it called? "Pickled Onions For Men"?
0:01:31 > 0:01:37"Quiver", and I was hoping today of all days somebody would give me a refill.
0:01:37 > 0:01:43- What's today of all days?- A day when I didn't expect to be woken at 8.30,
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I expected attention and affection lavished on me.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53I should be woken at noon, with bacon and eggs and the "Sporting Life".
0:01:53 > 0:02:00I'm not running this house as a resettlement centre for disabled ex-servicemen, you know.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- So get your thinking cap on. - Do you know what day it is?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Thursday. - What day historically?
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Look, pay a bit of attention to me. Down dusters for a second.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17What happened in 1944, not counting World War II,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20which we've celebrated ever since?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Uncle Stan lost his arm in Normandy. We don't celebrate that.
0:02:24 > 0:02:32I meant a happy event. During the confusion of war it brought you a ray of sunshine.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36I saw Gone With The Wind for the third time.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Is there nothing else vivid in your memory?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I had a terrible time carrying you.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And then?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Eee, I didn't forget, pet. I didn't forget.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Of course you did.- I've got a card. Now, where is it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56DOORBELL
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Who's that? You're STILL not dressed.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- It's Bob's car.- Ah, friends. Real friends don't forget!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I'll let him in. Many happy returns.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Thanks a bunch.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Not a single card.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15What the hell's this?
0:03:15 > 0:03:22"Gender - the most comprehensive, up-to-date manual on adult sexual instruction.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"No obligation. Send £15." Happy birthday(!)
0:03:28 > 0:03:32God, it smells like a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40- Not you an' all.- You've got it easy - tea in bed. What's this?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42An offer for sexual instruction.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Thelma and I did that. - Wrote it or posed?
0:03:46 > 0:03:52We gave them your name and address, then we get ours half price.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"No obligation"? It's £15.
0:03:54 > 0:04:00I suppose it means you send 15 quid for the manual and then I suppose...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03you don't have to follow the instructions.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Rather spend the money on a Maltese brothel.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12- Why d'you think of Maltese brothels?- Mother was on about them.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- Your mother?- Mmm. - She recommends them?- I don't know!
0:04:16 > 0:04:22She's never been to Malta. She's been to Boulogne with her sister.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- They don't have brothels there. - So what?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30They went for duty free and an Eiffel Tower paperweight.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I'll go out and I'll come in again.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37This place smells like a Boulogne brewery.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40They can't brew beer. It's all wine.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46Never mind, man. I'm supposed to be at work, and I've got something to discuss.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47You have!
0:04:47 > 0:04:53You know I was meeting you tonight for a drink? I've just remembered...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56today is a special occasion.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Nice of you to think of it that way, Bob.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What do you think of these?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06You shouldn't.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- You wouldn't believe the price. - It's the thought that counts.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- They're earrings! - Of course they're earrings.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24I'm not a bloody Gypsy! What's for Christmas? A caravan?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26They're for Thelma.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Thelma?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:33- For our anniversary. - Anniversary of what?- Our engagement.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- Which engagement?- Do you like them? - This is the special occasion?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I can't meet you tonight so I called round.
0:05:42 > 0:05:48We're going to the pictures. They're reviving Gone With The Wind. I've not seen it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- That's incredible! - No. I wasn't born when they made it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:59My mother also puts Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh before me, and me Uncle Stan's left arm.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- Left arm?- Left in Normandy.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Was this on that trip to Boulogne?
0:06:07 > 0:06:13Special occasion. I would have thought you of all people...
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Well, you live and learn. - What is it?- Nothing.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- There's obviously something the matter.- I've just said, nothing.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I can tell by the way you said, "nothing".
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- How did I say it? - You didn't just say, "nothing",
0:06:29 > 0:06:34you said, "no-o-thing", all hurt, with that look.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40- What look?- Your martyr's look. Your leave-me-here-to-suffer look.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Aye, well.- You won't tell me, then?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45If you don't know, there's no point.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Well, give us a clue.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- What day is it?- Thursday. - I mean what day historically?
0:06:54 > 0:06:59I haven't time for "Quiz of the Week". I've got work.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Sorry about tonight. See you tomorrow.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You don't remember?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm meant to be at work at 9.00.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I don't know... unless it's your birthday.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Sorry.- I should think so, an' all.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I forgot the earrings.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- There you are, pet. I told you I'd got you one.- Mmm.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Four and a half pence.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Mother, you might have signed it.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I'll do it later, pet, when I'm not busy.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49"On this day of love and joy, here's a toast to my dear boy."
0:07:49 > 0:07:55I wish him joy. I wish him well. I wish his bedroom didn't smell.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01RADIO PRESENTER: 'As promised, birthday requests...'
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Hello! > - It's open.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11- It's only me.- Oh, it's not Harrods with a waggon-load of presents?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- I brought the evening paper.- Cheers.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- How much is it?- I don't want money. - I'll pay my way.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Can I have a cup of tea? - Probably needs some water.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27It's all right. What are you doing?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Having a sandwich and a cup of tea. What are you doing?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I just thought I'd pop round after work.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38See how you were.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Happy birthday!
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- I remembered! Blow it out. - I'll blow you out.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Pardon?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Enter into the spirit of it!
0:08:51 > 0:08:56We'll have jelly and ice cream and play musical chairs(!)
0:08:56 > 0:08:59If you like, or statues.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Da-da, da-da, da-da, daaa!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Oh, sit down, man!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07And there was hunt the thimble!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12I know something harder to play - hunt the birthday card.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- Didn't you get many?- One! From our Audrey's kids. It wasn't even right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It said, "Get well soon".
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- It's just a mistake. - Perhaps. Perhaps not.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29- What?- Perhaps I've got an incurable disease and they're not letting on.
0:09:29 > 0:09:35- I doubt it. Besides, they can cure anything now.- Except loneliness.
0:09:35 > 0:09:41- Remember your 12th birthday party here?- Yes. I got cards and presents.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46It was a good party. We were at the transitional stage -
0:09:46 > 0:09:50you weren't hunting the thimble, you were hunting Deirdre Birchwood.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It was a sort of puberty party.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- I remember playing dustman's knock.- Eh?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Same as postman's knock, only dirtier.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- And that game "photography".- What?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Lights out and see what develops!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Hah! Hah! Very funny(!)
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- It's as if it was yesterday. - It wasn't that exciting.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18It was a mixture of childishness and early sexual awareness.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23I poured pink blancmange down Deirdre Birchwood's bra. Remember?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I remember. Me hand was down there at the time.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30By, she was a big girl, that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:36Don't you have to rush off to take Thelma to see Gone With The Wind?
0:10:36 > 0:10:42I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. Let's have a look at your stars.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47You'll have a special one, birthday boy. What are you?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"Piss-keys".
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Pisces. Here we go -
0:10:54 > 0:11:00"A good time for chucking out old grudges and inhibitions, for a fresh start.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06"Look at your... career and social possibilities, and discover new openings."
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Career? I haven't even got a job.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14As I've got no friends, I've got no social possibilities to start with.
0:11:14 > 0:11:22It's a fresh start. There's more - "Tonight in harmonious atmosphere pleasant memories return."
0:11:22 > 0:11:27The public bar at the Black Horse - harmonious atmosphere?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'll ONLY have memories for company.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34You Pisces people lack stability. You're like fish.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37You drift aimlessly, prone to melancholy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Rubbish! How can fish be prone to melancholy?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Have you seen a cheerful haddock? Or a merry mackerel?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49I'd rather be a fish than a goat!
0:11:49 > 0:11:56- Aren't Capricorns goats? - I'm not a Capricorn by temperament. I was premature.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01I'd be an Aquarius if Mother hadn't got crushed in the January sales.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06It's all a lot of gunge that star nonsense anyway.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10It gives here the celebrity birthdays.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Oh... - What do you mean, "Oh"?
0:12:14 > 0:12:19No-one famous has a birthday today. Best they can do is James Ogilvy.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Who?- There you go.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26He's the son of Princess Alexandra and Angus Ogilvy.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- I bet HE got presents. - I share mine with Bruce Forsyth.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Do you REALLY?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38That's what you're really doing tonight? Going to the Black Horse?
0:12:38 > 0:12:45- I suppose so. - Are you definitely going? - What's it got to do with you?
0:12:45 > 0:12:51If you're going down, I'll come over in the intermission and have a swift half.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Suit yourself. - Right, I'll be off then. Cheers.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I told you, didn't I? Pisces - prone to melancholy.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- Penny for them?- Whatever happened to Deirdre Birchwood?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Whatever happened to blancmange?
0:13:19 > 0:13:24- How will we recognise him? A red carnation?- He hasn't changed, Podge.
0:13:24 > 0:13:31It's been five years. Must be. I don't think I'd recognise him.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33You used to go out with him.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38So did Janey. Why not just have his ex-girlfriends? We'll go to the pub.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- We could, and have a game of cards. - No! Go on, help yourself!
0:13:43 > 0:13:49Surely you can give up one night. It's a surprise party!
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- I always play darts on Thursdays. - It's the "welcome" mat!
0:13:54 > 0:14:00He's been away and he's lost touch. He doesn't think he's got any friends.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Give him a big welcome!
0:14:02 > 0:14:07It's his birthday. Show him we're pleased to see him.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Chat! Gee him up! - Leave it to us.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Then we go down to the Fat Ox. Stan!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Thelma's made this lovely food and you can drink here.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You can see your ex-lover alone.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23There was nothing between me and Terry Collier.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Frequently! 'EY!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30What did you see in him? You like a bit of flesh on your men.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- There's the taxi.- It's time for Deborah and Clare to get him.
0:14:35 > 0:14:42- He's in the Black Horse. Chat him up and bring him back. - We've never met him.
0:14:42 > 0:14:48That's the surprise! Two attractive girls he doesn't know making a play for him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- He'll love it!- He's thin, you said? - Yes. Thin and forlorn.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55In the public bar.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Ready, sexy? - Oh, ready when you are.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02THEY CHEER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Wait till he sees them. - And us!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's like "This is Your Life"!
0:15:07 > 0:15:12Wish we'd found Deirdre Birchwood. "Do you remember this voice?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"Who put blancmange down my brassiere?"
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- I beg your pardon?- Nothing, love. Just a party a long time ago.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Mmm!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Give us a lager. Bottled. Coming up.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- All right?- Can't complain.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Aye, well.- Could be worse.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Always could.- Always someone...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- ..Worse than you.- True enough.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- That's how you've got to look at it. - Aye, count your blessings.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Always someone worse off than you.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Cheers!- Cheers!
0:16:02 > 0:16:08- Not much happening round here. - Not much, no.- Waiting for someone?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Candice Bergen and Julie Christie.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16- Oh, aye?- They're always bloody late, them two.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Brigitte Bardot's kept me waiting three hours.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24It's a long way from St Tropez on a donkey.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Going to the Burtons' party?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Well, she was so upset that I didn't go to the birthday party...
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Like a lift? Sammy Davis Jr's picking me up.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40No thanks, all the same. I'm going with the Onassis'.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46- Should be there for cocktails.- In time for the gala fancy-dress ball.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Like your outfit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:54Yeah. I thought I'd go as a working-class bloke with no job and no prospects.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Suits you.- What are you going as?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Genghis Khan.- Of course.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I left me hoard outside.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Fancy a crisp? - Thank you, mate. Like a drink?
0:17:07 > 0:17:13Why not? Special, please. Just going to see a man about a dog.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Special, please. Coming up.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Hello.- You what?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"Hello". Me friend said, "Hello".
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Can I have a crisp?- Be my guest.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Are you on your own? Sort of.
0:17:36 > 0:17:44- Alone! Nobody loves you. - Someone this devastating, alone? - One of life's mysteries.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I was stood up. She must be mad.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Well, she was travelling from France.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Do you want to come with us to this party?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It's not...Candice and Julie, is it?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Deborah and Clare. What's in a name?
0:18:01 > 0:18:07- You haven't said.- Said what? - Whether you're coming or not.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12Where is it, this party? Well, it's a surprise.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Don't you trust us?- I hope not.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Well, come on then. Find out!
0:18:24 > 0:18:30Give the Burtons my apologies. Tell them something's come up.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Cheer up! There's lots worse off.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Name bloody one!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- It's a bit quiet. - It won't be later on. Here.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57Hey! Come on! It's not one of THOSE parties, is it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Course not. Give us your hand. Go on, Debs.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow... #
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Who the hell are you?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I'd never have know him. Terry?!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- You're an imposter.- You what? Isn't it Terry?
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- Why are you masquerading as Terry? - I've never masqueraded in me life.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Just a minute. Who are you? - Who are you?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Colin. Colin Ferguson.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30ALL: Who?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34A coven! It's been in the "News of the World".
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Witchcraft in the suburbs. I'm going to be a sacrifice. Help!
0:19:39 > 0:19:45Two of the best, sir. There we are.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- I thought I'd missed you.- Why?
0:19:47 > 0:19:53They said... He said... I didn't mean that, there's no "he". There's no "they" either.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I mean, it's later than you think.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- Later than I think.- Have you had more of Thelma's slimming pills?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06No, I'm just in a bit of a state. It's a long drive.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- The Regal's only round the corner. - The Regal?
0:20:11 > 0:20:16You were going to pop in while Atlanta was burning.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I was. I didn't...drive from the Regal.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23But you said, "It's a long drive."
0:20:23 > 0:20:27But what I meant was it's a long drive from Atlanta.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33You've lost me. While you're having a mental lapse, I'll have a scotch.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38- Me, too. Two large scotches, please, George.- Coming up.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- How's the film?- Terrible.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- I thought it was a masterpiece. - It's a terrible masterpiece.
0:20:45 > 0:20:52I meant it's terrible what they're doing to Atlanta - burning it. That was terrible.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Grand. Thanks, George. Keep the change.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- It's his birthday. Happy birthday! Many of them.- The fewer the better,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03as far as I'm concerned.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- You haven't had a pleasant evening? - No.- Hasn't been a happy birthday?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Much the same as most of the others.
0:21:13 > 0:21:19Bob, I've been thinking... my parents never really wanted me.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Come on. What gave you that idea?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27It was the war. They'd already got two daughters.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33No money, a bombed house - the last thing they wanted was another mouth to feed.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Well, you're here. Living proof.
0:21:37 > 0:21:44Proof? Proof of what? That me dad had a couple of jars too many on a 48-hour pass?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I was probably conceived in an Anderson shelter,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50to keep Mum's mind off a doodlebug.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00How long have you been here? Come on, man. Of course your father wanted you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03All men want sons to carry on the line.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- Do they?- Of course, and doodlebugs came in after you were born.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I must have been starved of love as a child.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17That's why I'm a loner. People sense it. I've got no friends.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20No real friends at all.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25There was a bloke in here, we were getting on fine, he ate my crisps.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I went for a Jimmy Riddle and when I get back...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32he's been swept off by two ravers.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38- No mention of me going with him to make up a foursome. Oh, no. - You've got friends.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Stacks of them. People who want to see you again.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Close friends.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Bob...you're the closest.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53You'd tell me, wouldn't you? Tell me straight?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Tell you what?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04If I'd got BO, or bad breath or...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09..or sweaty feet, or all three.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You haven't, man!
0:23:11 > 0:23:19I wouldn't be hurt. If the answer was getting under a tap with a bar of Lifebuoy, pride wouldn't stop me.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25- There's nothing wrong with your hygiene.- Even Mam follows me round with an aerosol.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Come on, man! Just because some of us forgot your birthday.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33In fact, I've got something to cheer you up.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- I don't want it, thanks. - You've got to have it.
0:23:37 > 0:23:44- What?- It's a surprise. Knock these back and we'll go. - What about Gone With The Wind?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Forget Gone With The Wind! Ask no questions. Come on!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Fair enough.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Ooh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Oh, George. If Candice and Julie turn up, tell them I had to dash.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It's Bob's car. Everybody, hush!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Are there two of them? Yes!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Why Thelma's house?- You'll find out. Put this on.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- What are you doing, man? - It's like blind man's bluff.- What?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Is that too tight? - No, but I can't see the point.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25That's the point!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Through here.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- Where's this present, then? - No mad rush. Stand there.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Right, put your hands out.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- It's a girl!- Very perceptive!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Thelma?- No.- I can enjoy myself.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00It can't be Deirdre or I wouldn't be able to stand this close.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Right, turn round.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Put your hands out again.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- Another girl.- Correct. - I'm beginning to enjoy my birthday.
0:25:12 > 0:25:18Which one's yours? Does Thelma think you're at evening class?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Certainly not! They're both yours.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- "Scheherezade".- Pardon? - Perfume. She's wearing it.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30- You recognise perfume?- Janey Freeman wore it. Remember her?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Her memory will linger up my nostrils for many years.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Terry...- Did she marry that Hugh?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40He was a long streak of weak lager.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- That's enough of this game... - Do they still see...Mary and Stan?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Mary, Mary - she wasn't so bloody contrary.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- #- For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Stan!- Stuff your party, Collier.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02- If it wasn't your birthday I'd stuff you.- Thelma! What are you doing?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06What am I doing? Playing hostess to a party.
0:26:06 > 0:26:14That's why the room's been done out, this drink's been bought, and I've spent all day stuffing vol-au-vents.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20Well, that's all over. Must get down to the Fat Ox - darts, you know?
0:26:20 > 0:26:26- Could you drop us off near the ice rink?- If you like. Nice to see you back, Terry.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28PODGE SNIGGERS
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I don't know how you do it.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- I don't. It must be a gift. - What have I done?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- You know you said you had no friends?- Yes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49You've got even less now.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Well, we meet again.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Small world.
0:26:58 > 0:27:05- Vol-au-vent?- Might as well, seeing they've been stuffed on my behalf.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Funny lot, your friends.- Ex-friends.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Was it a surprise party, like?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- Yes.- You should have told me.
0:27:16 > 0:27:22Then it wouldn't have been a surprise. It would have been a jolly, successful party.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26But it wouldn't have been a surprise.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- I'd better go. - No. All this HAS to be eaten.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33They're lovely vol-aus...Thelma.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39I'm sorry, Thelma. I'm really sorry.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43It's OK. It's not your fault...not entirely.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45It just all went...
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Come on, Bob. Forgive and forget! Give him his present.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Got me a present, an' all?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57You really make me feel bad now.
0:27:57 > 0:28:04A party and now a present. I don't deserve friends like you.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Happy birthday, kid. - Many happy returns.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Yes, best wishes. Many of them.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16I'm moved. I can't pretend that I'm not moved.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- "Quiver For Men". - Bob said that's what you wanted.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Bath soap,...talc...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33..deodorant.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995