0:00:02 > 0:00:07# Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:14# What became of the people we used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:21# Tomorrow's almost over Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:28# Is the only thing to look forward to the past? #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello, Garry. All right? Hi, Dallas.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- How's things, Bob?- Oh, fine!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42My God!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- This place hasn't half changed. - Everything has.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49But it was just a barber's.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Nobody's said "barber" since the "Tony Curtis".
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Having it cut? - Just washed and blow-dried.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Girls!- Yes, girls. They work here.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- I've never had girls in a barber's. - I doubt anyone has.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09- Garry, this is Terry. Can you fit him in?- Sure.- He needs...um...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Yes, he does, doesn't he?
0:01:11 > 0:01:17- I've been in the army.- Could you bring him into the 1970s?
0:01:17 > 0:01:22Let's see. I don't know. I'll try. I'll get you washed in a minute.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Great, ta.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Why do I want me hair washed?- What?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I don't want it washed. I only washed it Tuesday week.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41You have to have it washed and blow-dried.
0:01:41 > 0:01:48You didn't in the old days. It was two bob a cut and none of this shampoo nonsense.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54I suppose you preferred it with its cracked walls and flypaper and hair everywhere.
0:01:54 > 0:02:01I suppose you preferred Tommy Mossop "Terror of the Tongs", with his clippers and hair oil
0:02:01 > 0:02:06and his "Nudge, nudge, anything else you require?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Tommy knew the horses. Gave me a good few tips.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16Not on hygiene! He never had his fag out of his mouth or ash out of your scalp.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19You sat there knee-deep in dandruff.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- Do you want a manicure today, Bob? - God preserve us!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Not today, thanks Garry.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30At least you knew where you were with Tommy.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- What?- Well...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Well, what?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I wouldn't like to be blow-dried by them.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41They're all poofs, are they?
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- Sshh!- Collier's Law! And designers and window-dressers?!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- It's a well-known fact. - Anyone who puts queer people down
0:02:51 > 0:02:56and is aggressively masculine only masks their own latent tendencies.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Want me to hit you? - See how aggressive you're being?
0:03:00 > 0:03:06- What do you expect me to do when someone says that? - Hit them with your handbag!
0:03:06 > 0:03:13- Who do you fancy to win the game? - England. - Hard team, Bulgaria - and out there.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- It's on the box tonight.- We know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21I don't know how we'll get through the day without learning the score.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26You'll never make it. There's the evening paper, TV news...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- We'll make it. - They're hard lads. No walkover.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Fancy a draw, meself. - What does he know?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Quite a lot. He had a trial for Burnley once.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Him? Never!
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- Still plays. Sunday League, like. So does Garry and Denny.- Really?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49You shouldn't jump to... I'll tell you something.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Garry used to do the hair of half Newcastle United Football Club.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Bob Moncur, Malcolm MacDonald - he uses the same conditioner as me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03And do you think he's soft? Well?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Ever seen a homosexual striker?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You next, Bob, and your friend.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Relax, man. She's not going to pull your teeth out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Other way.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- Do you want beer, egg or herbal tonic?- Nothing to drink, thanks.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31They're shampoos, you fool!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Is your scalp dry or greasy? - I don't know, do I?
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- What's your normal shampoo? - Carbolic and wire wool.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Belt up.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Take more care. The ends are breaking.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50I've been in the forces. There wasn't a backwash in the jungle.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Heaven preserve us! Here we go.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Mornin' lads.- Hello.- It's Flint.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- Hello, Bob.- Hello, Flint.- Good God! Collier? What are you doing here?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- What are you doing here? - Always come here.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08They do French polishing an' all?
0:05:08 > 0:05:15- I like it this way.- Hmm! One forward, the other two brushed back. - Who's his scriptwriter(?)
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- The beer shampoo's gone to his head. - Won't be long.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Who's going to win? Haven't you heard?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What? The news.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Don't tell us!- We want to watch it!
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- You'll never last. I'll put you out of your misery.- No!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Two-nil!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I'll hammer Flint. I'll kill him.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49It's typical. I was once queueing to see Psycho. He came out and told me the ending.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Typical! Two pints of special, love.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57- Is it raining out?- No, why? - Ask a silly question.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03- I wonder who scored.- It depends if it was them or us.- It must be them.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- The home team. Two nil, he said. - People don't say nil-two.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12You say we won two-nil or we lost two-nil.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17He's still ruined it for tonight. Whoever scores first, we'll know.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21It starts at 10.20 and we've lasted till five to one.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26- Hang on.- What?- The kickoff's at one o'clock.- Yeah.- Our time.
0:06:26 > 0:06:33- They're just kicking off. Flint was having us on. - What a rotten thing to do.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Where is Bulgaria?- What?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43It's your Eastern bloc, isn't it?
0:06:43 > 0:06:50It's...if you're going from Greece towards Russia, it's second on your left.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Oh, aye.- Balkans.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Pardon?- It's your Balkans.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00They've had awful flooding. Thousands homeless.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Gives us the advantage! Heavy pitch.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07What a terrible thing to say. What an inhuman attitude.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13They can cope. They're used to that sort of thing. Catastrophe's a way of life.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- What a ridiculous remark. - Well, them countries...
0:07:17 > 0:07:23Them places, like Persia, Bulgaria, the Middle East, they're all unstable.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27If it's not floods, it's earthquakes or typhoons.
0:07:27 > 0:07:34That's why the people are unstable. They're always hysterical, wanting a war or a new government.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Is that seriously your theory of national character?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Certainly. It's true.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45Take Britain. We don't get earthquakes or tidal waves, do we?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50We get bitter northeasterlies but we don't have to flee south.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55That's why the British character is so stable, so dogged and relaxed.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Calm under crises.- According to you, we don't get any crises.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We don't!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06But if we did we'd be calm under them.
0:08:06 > 0:08:13I'm learning a lot about you. I could go round the world and you'd have a pat response.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I've travelled. I've seen the world.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19What do you think of Koreans, then?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Not to be trusted. Cruel, like all Orientals.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28A third of the world's population dismissed in a phrase. Russians?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Sinister.- Egyptians?- Cowardly.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You didn't save that for Italians?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Greasy, but less than the French.- Germans?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Arrogant.- Spaniards?- Lazy.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Danes?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Pornographic.
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- That's about everyone. Americans? - Flash.- So it's down to the British.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02I haven't got time for the Irish or Welsh. Scots are worse than Koreans.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And you never could stand southerners.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I don't like anyone much, outside this town.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14A lot of families on our street I can't stand.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I don't even like them next door.
0:09:17 > 0:09:24So, from the Pacific, through the wastes of Manchuria, to 127 Inkerman Terrace,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26you can't abide anyone.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29How did you ever marry a German?
0:09:29 > 0:09:34The failure of my marriage proves my point. Them and us don't mix.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39England should take heed of the failure of my entry into Europe.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43God didn't make us an island by accident.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48So the British are calm in a crisis, the rest of the world is unstable,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and all hairdressers are fairies.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Except Tommy Mossop. - Oh, except Tommy Mossop.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01Hello, lads. Not raining, is it? Heard the latest score, then?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Shove off, Flint! - Only a joke! Only a joke!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08You could have screwed up our day.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13You'll never last. You've got to hear somehow before ten tonight.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- We'll manage if we avoid you. - I bet you can't.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I bet we can.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Fiver.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Fiver each!- Fiver each!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- You're on!- Right!- Right, till 10.20.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Right!- Right!- Right!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36You know it's on radio, live, now?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40We won't listen to the radio. Gloria won't put it on.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Not if you don't want.- We're OK.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51- 'We now take you over to Sofia where England...'- Aagghh!- Aagghh!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Pint please, Gloria.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- Hello.- Hello, pet.- Is it raining? I must get my washing in.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04No, it isn't! Everybody keeps asking us that. Switch this off.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Were we followed? - No. I've experience of that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12What's got into you? You're like two fugitives.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18- We're in grave danger.- Desperate. - You haven't been stealing hubcaps?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- The TV's on in there.- Switch it off. - n a
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- It's the test card for the baby. She likes it.- Turn the sound down.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Turn the radio back on. I was listening to it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Good God! One day without Johnnie Walker won't do anybody any harm.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37There's nobody in the house?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Just my lover.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47- You haven't got a lover, have you? - She's always been permissive.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Not permissive, just romantic. - Who is he?
0:11:51 > 0:11:57He's this beautiful, lithe, six-foot-seven West Indian limbo dancer.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Limbo dancer?! How low can you get?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04About... AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- About two foot six on a good night! - Mmm.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Isn't he conspicuous on the estate?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15What do the neighbours say when he comes in the gate...or under it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18They say, "Lucky Audrey!"
0:12:18 > 0:12:25- You haven't really got a lover? - Course not! How have I got time, with two kids?
0:12:25 > 0:12:32I'd melt into a passionate embrace and a grubby head would appear asking for a treacle butty.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Anyway, what are you doing here?
0:12:35 > 0:12:42There's a match on and we've bet £10 we won't hear the score before it's on the telly.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47We'll be no bother. You can get on with hoovering the baby.
0:12:47 > 0:12:54- I've got no food in. - Audrey, pet, we can't eat - too much pre-match tension.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Your lover's getting restless.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00If you hear any funny noises don't worry,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03he's only lowering his pole.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- Well, the game'll be nearly over. Injury time.- Aye.
0:13:10 > 0:13:17- There'll be a lot of injuries with them Bulgarians. - So Bulgarians are all vicious?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Especially on a heavy pitch. - Dear me!
0:13:20 > 0:13:27It was a heavy pitch - thick mud, a sliding tackle - ruined my chances.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- What chances?- Of a professional football career.- Are you serious?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I'll never forget the day...
0:13:35 > 0:13:41sleet slanting down from an overcast sky, the crunch of our bodies colliding,
0:13:41 > 0:13:46a stab of pain above the left knee, the crowd baying for a penalty.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49The crowd? ..Both of them?
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- Pardon?- It sounds like you made soccer history -
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"Match of the Century".
0:13:56 > 0:14:03It was only our Scout troupe against Byker Boys Brigade behind the Regal car park.
0:14:03 > 0:14:11- Left its mark on me for life. - There was only our Scoutmaster and an old lady walking her Airedale.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Was it the Airedale baying? There are no trees on that waste ground.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22If I hadn't had that injury, if I could have stayed at school another year,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25gone to training, not night school,
0:14:25 > 0:14:30and not sacrificed my talent to bring a wage into that house...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Your conditions! If I'd stayed at school...
0:14:33 > 0:14:38If my father was Prince Rainier... If Germany had won the war...
0:14:38 > 0:14:44If Enoch Powell was a seven-foot West Indian limbo dancer...
0:14:44 > 0:14:49I might be President of the Board of Trade or one of Pan's People.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- I'm just... - PHONE RINGS
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Don't answer it.- It is my house. - Don't!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- It's a trick.- It could be for me.
0:15:00 > 0:15:07It could be me mam or me husband or Littlewoods or even an obscene phone call.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Hello? Just hang on a minute. It's Brian Flint,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14for you.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- We should be all right in here. - Not the place people would think of.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I've got to see the vicar about the wedding anyway.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27It's safe, it's dry and it's Flint-proof.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31It's like the olden days, sanctuary.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Eh?- You claimed sanctuary in the middle ages.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39You could steal a sheep or behead someone...or rape a Saxon maiden,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43and if you hid in a church the law couldn't touch you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49If the church was in a place like this there'd be no room for the congregation.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53I expect they got used to it.
0:15:58 > 0:16:05- Have you got any cards? - You can't play cards! Not in a house of God.
0:16:05 > 0:16:12Seems a fairly harmless pastime to me compared with sheep-stealing and Saxon-raping.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- It's still not right. Battleships? - We've nothing to write with.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22We used to play that in the choir, during the sermon.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Typical of you, being in the choir. - Boy soprano.
0:16:26 > 0:16:33I'd lead in Brother James's Air. I liked it, and you got to see what went on backstage.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Your mother wanted you to go into the Church.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- No, never.- Aye, she did.- She didn't.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44She wanted me to be a Black and White Minstrel.
0:16:44 > 0:16:51- Hallelujah! - If I'd stuck at it, there might've been a big future in my voice.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Did you see me in the Mikado?
0:16:53 > 0:16:59The Home and Colonial Operatic Society still talk of my Nanki Poo.
0:16:59 > 0:17:05You never got kicked in the throat. It was worse for me with my ligaments.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I didn't mind not being a singer.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I wanted to be a rubber planter.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Mam wanted me to be a doctor, like Richard Chamberlain.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19We've achieved nothing for no-one, ourselves or our parents.
0:17:19 > 0:17:25- Too late now.- Couldn't do it anyway, not please everyone.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30A Black and White rubber planter and a midfield brain surgeon!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- What time do you make it? - Ten past four.
0:17:36 > 0:17:43The game'll be over. The ground'll be empty. The crowd will have left in their thousands.
0:17:43 > 0:17:49Back to their collective farms. Plodging through Balkan mud in their wellies.
0:17:49 > 0:17:56Yep. The team'll be in the hotel. Kebabs, victory champagne and a singsong.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Or drowning the memory of defeat in state-owned Brown Ale.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Six hours to go.- I can't stay here.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Not for six hours. Sanctuary or no sanctuary.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11It'll be getting dark soon.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It'll be all creepy.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19We'll wait till dark and go round the back to my new house,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21through the allotments and sidings.
0:18:29 > 0:18:35I spy with my little eye something beginning with F.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Font.- How did you get that, you jammy Arab!
0:18:39 > 0:18:45- I know how your mind works. - Oh? Well, see if you can get this one.
0:18:45 > 0:18:52I spy...with my little eye... something beginning with SGW.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Stained-glass window. - Well, any fool could have got that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Right, right...
0:19:00 > 0:19:07- I spy...with my little eye... something beginning with B. - What?- B.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Sorry, I thought you said P. Bible.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Wrong.- You hesitated. It is bible.- No, it isn't.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- It isn't.- If it isn't, what is it? - Pardon.- You heard! Quickly!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Well, if you're giving up! It's not bible. If...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Cheat!- Who is? I'm not.- Cheat!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28It's belfry.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Oh, I didn't know it was "I spy with my little x-ray eye".
0:19:33 > 0:19:41- Eh?- The belfry is right up on top of the roof. Nobody can see the belfry from here.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Am I playing with Superman and his x-ray vision?
0:19:45 > 0:19:50I didn't know it was on the roof. I thought it was that little room.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- The vestry?- What chance have I got against an ex-choirboy?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- I spy with my little... - I'm sick of that game.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00What time is it?
0:20:00 > 0:20:08At the third stroke it will be four twelve and thirty seconds.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Beep. Beep. Beep.
0:20:11 > 0:20:17And here in Monaco, in the Eurovision Song Contest, it's Britain's entry,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21former choirboy, Bobby Ferris, singing,
0:20:21 > 0:20:27"Boom Bang-A-Bang Crash Bang Wallop Up Your Puppet on a String".
0:20:27 > 0:20:32That's not what they do. That's ballroom dancing or ice skating.
0:20:32 > 0:20:39I hate ice skating. They've got a nerve putting it on a sports programme.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Bulgaria's never won the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Mind you, they've never been in it.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51Only Yugoslavia from the East has, but they've never been placed.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54That's hardly surprising, is it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59That's another generalisation, is it? Yugoslavs are tone-deaf.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- Odd or even, right? - Right.- Ten new pence. Odd or even?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Odd... Rats. - Thank you. Ten new pence.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- Double or quits?- You're on. Odd or even?- Odd!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18- God Almighty!- I THOUGHT it was your car. What are you doing here?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You can't touch us. It's sanctuary.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27The Lord giveth. The Lord taketh away. Fiver! Each!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31The Gospel according to Sir Alf.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# And low eleven men and one substitute did go forth to do battle
0:21:36 > 0:21:40# Even before the host of Bulgarian multitude
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- # And there was much booing and... # - What are you doing here?
0:21:45 > 0:21:51- Auditioning, were you?- No.- Why are you holding the collection plate?
0:21:51 > 0:21:57- Oh, this? We thought we'd like to make a contribution.- Oh, I see.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02For the church restoration fund. Disabled ex-choirboys.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Well, that's very generous of you.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10- I look forward to seeing you in church next Sunday.- Yes, Vicar.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Don't move your head.- Pardon?
0:22:20 > 0:22:25There's a TV dealer's on your left with about a dozen sets on.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It's OK. It's only the Magic Roundabout.
0:22:28 > 0:22:35"We interrupt this programme for an announcement, and pillocks to Zebedee."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Where shall I drive to?
0:22:37 > 0:22:42- Just keep going.- I don't fancy driving out into the country.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45No hiding place.
0:22:50 > 0:22:56- You realise this is a one-way street.- So what? - We can't turn round.
0:22:56 > 0:23:03- Why should I want to? - Because we'll pass that one-legged news vendor with his placard.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08It won't give the score it'll say "Match Result" or "England Latest".
0:23:08 > 0:23:12What if it says "England Victory" or "England Flop",
0:23:12 > 0:23:15or "Ramsey Men Shaken By Bulgars".
0:23:32 > 0:23:37- Ten minutes to go.- What a day! It's been endless.- The longest day.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's like this being on the run.
0:23:40 > 0:23:46Still, if we hadn't been on the run we'd never have got to the Women's Institute
0:23:46 > 0:23:51and we might never have learnt flower-arrangement.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- It's bound to come in handy.- I bet we saved a life by giving blood.
0:23:56 > 0:24:03True. Some victim of multiple motorway madness saved by a pint of Collier's '73.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Did it hurt?- Of course not.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09So the heat made you faint?
0:24:09 > 0:24:15I've had nothing to eat, have I? We didn't dare enter a populated cafe.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20- No light's showing through, is it? - No. You couldn't tell we're here.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- We can switch on. - No! We might get the ITN news.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28The headlines, then bang! The football results.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- Right. Five minutes. - Take the phone off the hook.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37- Right.- It's a wonder he hasn't sent a telegram. If he does, leave it.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Oh, I'd have to open a telegram.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Not if there's ten quid on it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:49- What if Thelma'd had an accident? - They'd ring. - The phone's off the hook.
0:24:49 > 0:24:55- They'd have it on the news, SOS. - We've got the set off.- Settle down!
0:24:55 > 0:25:01- I'm sorry. Pre-match nerves, I expect.- We're almost there.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I expected him to give us more of a run for his money.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- It's been easy.- There was a dodgy moment.- In church?
0:25:09 > 0:25:14In the hospital I glimpsed the Evening Chronicle.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20- Why didn't you say?- I didn't want to upset you.- Why upset me now?
0:25:20 > 0:25:25I've been upset on my own for four hours. I won't say anything.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30You can't say that and not tell me. I've got to know.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It wasn't the score. It said "England F..."
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Pardon?- "England F..."
0:25:36 > 0:25:41- England, then the first letter of the second word - F.- Oh, my God!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Well, that's it. It's obvious. "England Flop".
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Not necessarily. - Or "England Fail" or "Fiasco".
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Get a grip, man. You're falling to pieces.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57It could be anything. It could be "England Fight Back".
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Oh, aye!- "After Setback".
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"Fight Back After Setback". Yes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"England Forge Ahead" or even "Five".
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Or "England Fade". Why did you have to tell me?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Shut your face, man, will you?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Coo-eee!
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- How did you get in? - Someone left the front door open.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24- You idiot. You left the door open. - Turn up for the book today, lads.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Just shut it! You've won, just don't spoil the match.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- You mean you still don't know? - No.- No.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Here's your money. - Here it is. Lend us a fiver, kid.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41- If that's the way you want it.- It is. Now, go on and leave us in peace.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- I feel I sh...- Just shove off!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's a living!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54You legless twit!
0:26:54 > 0:27:01- Why didn't you invite the one-legged news vendor round too. - Oh, shut up! Shut up!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Pipe down.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08We've still got the match to enjoy. Let's salvage something.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12We still don't know what it was England F'd.
0:27:14 > 0:27:21- "England Find Their Touch." - "Fail to Save Ferris A Fiver." ..A tenner!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23You'll get your money!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Now, European Figure Skating.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30YOU WHAT?!
0:27:30 > 0:27:35This replaces the England-Bulgaria soccer match which was postponed
0:27:35 > 0:27:38because of a waterlogged pitch.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"England Flooded Out."
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# Oh, what happened to you?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# Whatever happened to me?
0:27:56 > 0:28:03# What became of the people we used to be?
0:28:03 > 0:28:07# Oh, what happened to you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11# Whatever happened to me?
0:28:11 > 0:28:18# What became of the people we used to be? #
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Subtitles by Intelfax for BBC