0:00:01 > 0:00:03# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# What became of the people
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# We used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# Is the only thing to look forward to
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# The past? #
0:00:39 > 0:00:42This is your 16th cup of tea!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- There's no 4.30 at Wetherby here. - A fresh pot every time!
0:00:46 > 0:00:51- It's meant to be an EVENING paper. - Don't put cigarettes in the saucer!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Come on, this isn't the Dorchester!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58The Dorchester wouldn't let you near their coal cellars!
0:00:58 > 0:01:05- What do you mean? - You haven't shaved, and your hair's not been near a comb.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10If the dustman comes, don't go near the front door. He may take you away.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15- I'm just casual.- No, Terry, you're slovenly. What if anybody called?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I'm in.
0:01:17 > 0:01:24What if the lady selling cosmetics calls, or the man in contact lenses predicting the world's end?
0:01:24 > 0:01:31- Can he predict the winner of the 4.30 at Haydock? - Have you nothing better to do?
0:01:31 > 0:01:36I have been in the army for five whole years, serving my country,
0:01:36 > 0:01:43so that people like you could sleep safely in bed at night, and bring up their kids decent.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47And what about pride in your appearance?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51What you see is a reaction. Don't touch that jigsaw!
0:01:51 > 0:01:56It's a reaction to the years of hardship, discipline and danger.
0:01:56 > 0:02:03I'm entitled to take it easy for a bit. I want to do some reading...and reflect on life.
0:02:03 > 0:02:11All you read is back numbers of Football Monthly, and glossy mags with nude au pair girls on the front.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16The only thing you reflect on is the 4.30 winner at Haydock Park!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19It's a treble and I've got it up and down!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22You're letting yourself go.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26You spend half the day in bed, the other half watching television.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You only go out to the betting shop.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34You only speak to ask for tea or the bottle opener. You're like Andy Capp.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I'm active, physically and mentally.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42I went to the Black Horse, and then I fought the flab with Terry Wogan.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47It's been intellectual TV - gliding in the Dolomites,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51dam-building in Syria, and Spanish, muchos gracias.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55They're amazing, those school programmes.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00You should've left the laundry, and watched the metamorphosis of frogs!
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Well, I had to do all your clothes, didn't I? Biologically!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06KNOCKING
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Who's that?- Can I come through?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I just thought I'd pop in on my way back from work.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- How's our working-class hero? - He's a sight. I was just telling him.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24Look at Bob. Look at his lovely suit, and his hair. He's well groomed, is Bob.
0:03:24 > 0:03:32They're a bit tight, those trousers. One false move and you'll be back in the choir as a soprano.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38That's unnecessary. I won't have your barrack-room behaviour here.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Cup of tea, Bob?- If it's no trouble. - I've made 16, so one more won't hurt.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Get your thinking cap on, lad.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50There's more to life than football and nude au pairs.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57- Nude au pairs? What? Where? When? - Sorry, kidder, you just missed 'em. - Eeh!
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- You do look a state! - Don't YOU start!
0:04:01 > 0:04:09I deserve a break. I'm catching up on my reading. I didn't know Frank Sinatra had married Mia Farrow!
0:04:09 > 0:04:16Mia Farrow?! That was over ages ago. She's married to Andre Previn now. They've got twins.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21- Who?- Andre Previn - the conductor. - Oh, aye - what route's he on?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29- You know nothing!- I didn't know Mia married a man on the buses.
0:04:29 > 0:04:37There's hope yet. Odd for him, though - "Morning, Andre. Fourpenny, please. How's things in Hollywood?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:39He must get some stick at the depot.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Andre Previn conducts with the LSO.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- The London School of Economics?! - That's the LSE.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- That's a drug.- That's LSD. - That's money!
0:04:49 > 0:04:56It was, before decimalisation. Heard of that? Where the state takes over industry?
0:04:56 > 0:05:02- That's nationalisation.- He's right! Will you take the money or go for a prize?
0:05:02 > 0:05:07A musical lawn mower or a cocktail cabinet with built-in spin-dryer?
0:05:07 > 0:05:14I know enough! I bet I learn more from that box than you do in your office.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18You look like a social misfit interviewed on Panorama.
0:05:18 > 0:05:25Look at you, sat in your chair with your racing papers. You're a premature Andy Capp.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30You're the second person to tell me that today. Well, I love Andy Capp.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I'm proud of my home and my class.
0:05:32 > 0:05:40Just cos you try to be lower-middle, and your fiancee lives on a Tudor estate with a monkey tree!
0:05:40 > 0:05:46I want to take you out. I want you to meet friends of mine that you don't know.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52But how can I when you look like that? They'd not know how to react!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"Sherry for you, Bob, and for your friend? Meths?"
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I don't want to be invited, thank you.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I hate their snooty little semis.
0:06:03 > 0:06:10I bet all your new friends go to the rugby club or tennis club or squash club.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13We've a wide range of leisure activities.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18- I've got a wide range, and all! - Forecasting and jigsaws!
0:06:19 > 0:06:24You'll stop going to football soon. Saturday afternoon'll be golf!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Look, I want you to smarten yourself up and come out with me.
0:06:28 > 0:06:35Things have changed. If you want to sit behind your class barrier, fine!
0:06:35 > 0:06:40I'll go out with YOU. For you, Bob, I'll even shave. Where shall we go?
0:06:40 > 0:06:45Not tonight. We're playing badminton with Hugh and Janie.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50- Tomorrow?- We're having supper with Mike and Linda, and Frank and Chris.
0:06:50 > 0:06:57- Who is it Wednesday? Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice?- No, a barbecue at the rugby club with the McShanes.
0:06:59 > 0:07:07But on Saturday, Alan and Brenda have asked us to supper at their new house. They'd like to meet you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Who the hell are Alan and Brenda?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- Alan came up from the South three years ago.- You mean Middlesbrough?
0:07:14 > 0:07:22No, the Deep South - Surrey. We work together. We've become good mates and he'd like to meet you.
0:07:22 > 0:07:29Well, thanks, Bob. I'll just call some of the lads and have a REAL Saturday night out.
0:07:29 > 0:07:36On a Saturday night they'll be out with their wives and fiancees at some steakhouse or trattoria,
0:07:36 > 0:07:41or at home for Match Of The Day and barbecued chicken.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47It's very much a ritual, and unless you accept it and come out with me,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49you won't be part of it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53You're a man alone, a Shane of Elm Lodge Housing Estate,
0:07:53 > 0:08:00walking the empty streets, hearing the merriment behind warmly-lit windows.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Well, I'm well out of the Elm Lodge Housing Estate set.
0:08:04 > 0:08:10I know what goes on nowadays in your so-called respectable middle classes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15- I know what goes on behind these warmly-lit windows.- What?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18There, pet. Would you like a biscuit?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21If it's no trouble. What goes on?
0:08:21 > 0:08:28- I know, I've read about it. - Read about what?- What goes on. - Well, what DOES go on?
0:08:31 > 0:08:38- Wife-swapping and witchcraft, suburban sex orgies, that sort of thing.- Really?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It's a fact. Behind the facade...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Where did you learn this? Sex orgies!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Mind you, we did once play charades,
0:08:46 > 0:08:51and a girl tore her tights doing Climb Every Mountain.
0:08:51 > 0:08:58This afternoon on that box a bishop spoke of the moral decay of our society.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm just asking you out to supper!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04It won't be a downwards spiral of depravity,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07just a meal and a game of Scrabble.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12- Scrabble?!- Perhaps not Scrabble. You'd come up with rude words.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- Hello, Audrey! - Hello, Bob!- It's nice to see you!
0:09:18 > 0:09:23- How's Thelma?- Grand.- You must come to dinner with us, perhaps next week.
0:09:23 > 0:09:31Tuesday's water polo with Hugh and Janie. Wednesday's potholing with Wilson Keppel and Betty.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37My God! Do you know who you remind me of?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I know. Don't tell me - Andy Capp.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I was about to say Old Man Steptoe.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Look!- He never leaves that chair.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49He reminds me of Ironside.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Well, I'VE never been invited over to your place for dinner.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Baby-sitting, aye, but never dinner.
0:09:56 > 0:10:03- Well, you're so difficult to fit in, or match up or pair off. - He's a man alone.
0:10:03 > 0:10:09He's an outcast. He can't go to a wife-swapping party cos he has no wife!
0:10:09 > 0:10:14He can't go to a sex orgy, cos he has no clean Y-fronts.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20You're so superficial, aren't you?
0:10:20 > 0:10:28You're so concerned with appearance and status. Well, I've travelled. I can hold my own anywhere.
0:10:28 > 0:10:35I know about gliding, and the metamorphosis of frogs. Life is more than eating peas properly!
0:10:35 > 0:10:41Come to Alan and Brenda's. Dazzle US with your scholarship and poise.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46You're not taking him to their house, are you, Bob? Is it wise?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You shut your face!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51All right, all right!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- I'll go, I'll go.- Good, good.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Will it be...just a meal, like?
0:10:59 > 0:11:06Well, it depends who's there, doesn't it? I mean, after dinner we might play a few games.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Eeh, I haven't made so much tea since I was in the WRVS!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Games?- Behind the facade...
0:11:16 > 0:11:23I dine out on Saturday, Mother. Lay out the sea-island cotton shirt, the blue serge,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and, just in case, some clean Y-fronts.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Hello, Thelma!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Hello!- Brenda's still upstairs. - I'll go up, shall I?- Fine.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42- Hello, Bob.- Alan, Terry Collier. - Heard a lot about you!- Oh, aye?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Come in, make yourself at home. Sit down.- Cheers.
0:11:46 > 0:11:52- What will you drink?- Unless you've got meths, I'll have a beer, thanks.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56We'll have to settle for beer! Bob?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- The usual, please - vodka and coke. - Ice and lemon?- Please.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Bob tells me you're from down south, Alan.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- London, is it?- Just outside - Carshalton Beeches.- Oh.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- Alan supports Chelsea. - Oh.- I had a season ticket.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Chelsea are everything I hate in football,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25with all their show-biz supporters.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30- They look nothing like a football team!- I'll just get some ice.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36- He said icily!- You just step in and attack his football team!
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- What if he attacked OUR football team?- They deserve it, Chelsea.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I'm talking about manners! You know, live and let live.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- All right, all right!- Right!
0:12:48 > 0:12:54Look, I don't just hate Chelsea. I hate Arsenal, Spurs, West Ham, Crystal Palace...
0:12:54 > 0:13:01- In fact, I hate ALL London clubs. - That's OK. Cheers, Bob. - Cheers, Alan.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Come on, girls!
0:13:03 > 0:13:09- I expect you notice the changes. - Decimalisation, and Andre Previn conducting the LSE.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LSO.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Oh, do you like classical music? - I hate it!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Alan has a great collection - especially Beethoven.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25Beethoven's fine. The others I can't stand, but Beethoven's OK.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30- What ARE you interested in?- I've a wide range of leisure activities.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- He does jigsaws! - I do hundreds of things.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39I bet I did more sports in the army than you've ever heard of!
0:13:39 > 0:13:44- Football, swimming, pole-vaulting... - You never did pole-vaulting!
0:13:44 > 0:13:49We knew this Polish feller. We tied him to the bed and vaulted over him.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- The girls'll be down soon. You know Brenda, don't you?- I don't think so.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- You do! - I don't know any Brendas.- Ah!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Oh, that Brenda!- Hello, Bob. - Hello, Brenda.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- Nice to see you, Terry. - If they'd said your MAIDEN name...!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12You're looking very pretty. You've certainly changed!
0:14:12 > 0:14:19- I mean, you've changed from pretty, to even prettier.- Thank you, Terry. You look well yourself.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- I am.- Thelma, a drink? - Sherry, Alan.- And you, dear?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yes, pet. Did the army do you good?
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- Well, apart from this, yes. - What's wrong with your leg?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- He never talks about it. - Does it hurt?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Only when making love or pole-vaulting.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Would you like to sit down?- Cheers.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Well, well, well.
0:14:48 > 0:14:55Well, reunion! Isn't it nice, after so many years, to be together again?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yes, we haven't seen Alan and Brenda since Tuesday!
0:14:59 > 0:15:05I mean with Terry here. It takes you back, doesn't it? To Park Juniors, 4B.
0:15:05 > 0:15:13- We've come on since Park Juniors. - YOU have. You lived over your dad's chip shop, near the glue factory.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Did your father have a fish and chip shop?
0:15:18 > 0:15:24He did! A good 'un, and all, with big helpings and free batter.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'd better see how things are doing.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Rock salmon and chips, is it? She was brought up on that.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37I'm surprised you didn't get even more spots with all that vinegar.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- Would you give me an 'and, Alan? - Yes. Excuse me.- Certainly.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- You won't win prizes for tact, Terry. - What do you mean?
0:15:48 > 0:15:54- There are things Brenda doesn't want to remember. She's a bit...- Stuck up?
0:15:54 > 0:15:59What's wrong with getting money and forgetting the past?
0:15:59 > 0:16:05She lived over a chip shop, but now she wants to batter, BETTER herself.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Her parents now live in Westcliff-on-Sea.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13So if you MUST go down Memory Lane, leave off the chip shop!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- OK, OK!- Promise?- My lips are sealed.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19CLATTERING
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Dinner is served!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Now then, Thelma...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- You sit there.- Here.- And Bob there.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- Lovely.- Terry, you sit here. - Doesn't it look nice?
0:16:33 > 0:16:39- Brenda! Fresh asparagus! - Eeh! I could eat a horse between two bread vans.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- That's a nice way to put it! - White, red or fizzy rose?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Thelma prefers white. - Yes.- White, Terry?
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- Have we a fondue set on our wedding list, pet?- We will have tomorrow.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Alan's mother got it, at Harrods. She has an account.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- And these lovely mats! They're new!- Hunting scenes!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04They were a present from Auntie Elsie.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Your Auntie Elsie! How is she? Is she still a cleaner at the brewery?
0:17:17 > 0:17:24- More food, anyone? Some Brie? - Oh, I couldn't possibly! I must say, Brenda - you're a fantastic cook!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Fantastic! - Do you get this every night?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- No, we eat off our knees. - We eat at the table.
0:17:31 > 0:17:38- We eat at the table. - It makes a change from rock salmon and chips, eh?
0:17:38 > 0:17:45I'm sorry, Brenda. You can't help thinking about how things used to be. Right, Bob?
0:17:45 > 0:17:53It makes you think, doesn't it? We're having a sophisticated supper party, with Tia Marias and mints.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56The last place we ate together was school!
0:17:56 > 0:18:02Well, Brenda's improved on cold ham, pease pudding and mashed potato!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Ham, Thursday. Fish, Friday. - Mince, Monday.- Meat, Tuesday.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- What sort of meat?- We weren't sure!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11What was Wednesday?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- Monday, mince, Thursday, ham... - Tuesday, meat...
0:18:15 > 0:18:22Of course! It was cheese fondue, then gooseberry fool and wafer-thin mints.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I loved that mashed potato!- Me, too.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30If you got a spoon and flicked it you could get half of 4A!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Oh!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- I'll do it! - Will it come out all right?
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- We'll have to hope so! - It'll come out if I rub.- I doubt it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:50However, so much for Park Juniors. It can have no interest for Alan. Alan went to a PUBLIC school.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- A minor one. - It was founded in 1776!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57So imagine how draughty it was!
0:18:57 > 0:19:02- It's a LEADING public school. - No, a leading, minor, draughty one!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Ah, happy days! - Do you really think so?
0:19:07 > 0:19:13- They were smashing days! It's when I met you!- Aye. - Was he a little terror?
0:19:13 > 0:19:21I was top...in woodwork - and I was a monitor, and secretary of the Lonnie Donegan Appreciation Society.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- And chairman of Deirdre Birchwood's Fan Club.- Deirdre?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Who's she?- Nice girl, big girl, advanced for her age.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35You know all those questions about sex that parents wouldn't answer?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Deirdre would.
0:19:38 > 0:19:46- She meant nothing!- Her dad was the gardener. She smelt of weedkiller. Bob was in love with her.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51I was not! I was in love with Little Mo Connolly and Claire Bloom.
0:19:51 > 0:19:58They used to meet in the greenhouse. He came back once and a caterpillar fell out his pants.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I wasn't aware you went out with Deirdre.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10- She was a common girl.- I warned him about consorting with that girl.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's lucky you didn't get greenfly.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Let's leave the table. - I must pop and have a s-s-swill.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22First left - the light's above your head.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28- What WAS for school dinner on Wednesdays? - Mince Monday, Tuesday meat...
0:20:28 > 0:20:34I've had enough of Park Juniors! We're all different people now.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40Not necessarily! We might be older, we might have a few more possessions,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44but we're the same people underneath.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50If we were on a desert island we'd revert to the jungle law of Form 4B!
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- Some quicker than others!- What was Brenda like at school? Any secrets?
0:20:55 > 0:21:01I gave Brenda my coronation mug, AND an autographed photo of Sherpa Tenzing.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- I can't remember. - It doesn't matter anyway.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09The autograph was fake. Terry sold it to me.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15Why does 4B mean so much to you all? I've got memories, not very pleasant ones...
0:21:15 > 0:21:20- You're not thinking of the boiler room, are you?- What's this?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Do we have to? - You were full of it then.
0:21:24 > 0:21:31I was so upset. I was attacked by two boys in the boiler room. If it hadn't been for Janet...
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Bob, what was the name of the girl who seduced us in the boiler room?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- How dare you?! - Come on, it was years ago!
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- It was monstrous! I was attacked! - Attacked?- In the boiler room.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52- So were Bob and me! But for Janet... - Memory Lane, you know, happy days!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56You cling to the past, cos there's nothing in your future!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Your present is the pub and billiard hall!
0:22:00 > 0:22:07Most of us develop as people, but YOU are an embarrassment to your family and friends!
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Wait! He doesn't embarrass me! He might be coarse and vulgar...
0:22:12 > 0:22:18- Are you with me or against me?- Shut up! He might be rough at the edges.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22He might have eaten the wrong end of his asparagus...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27..but he's down-to-earth, and he's honest.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31The good old days - those two, back in the saddle!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I think Bob's right.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39- Are you taking Terry's side? - I like a frank exchange of views.
0:22:39 > 0:22:46Terry...Terry IS honest, and we seem to have lost that since Park Juniors. HE has no pretensions.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52- He wouldn't deny living over a chip shop.- I didn't live over a chip shop.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56What are you implying, Thelma? That I am a snob?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- You're a huge snob and always were. - What a bitchy thing to say!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- It's true!- I like lively discussion.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08If I were such a snob, would I invite THAT for dinner?
0:23:08 > 0:23:14You asked Terry because you measure how far you've come from Dog Lead Lane
0:23:14 > 0:23:18by parading your possessions in front of an audience.
0:23:18 > 0:23:24When people admire your carpets and fondue set, you wet your knickers!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I'm exhausted! I've walked miles!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- When I DID get a bus, it was standing room only.- Oh, aye.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42You've had another of your strenuous days, I see.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Why can't you use just ONE cup, and wash it each time?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Was Saturday night a mirage?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I thought I saw you shaved,
0:23:56 > 0:24:01in a suit, off to dinner with nice people, but it was a dream.
0:24:01 > 0:24:09- It turned into a nightmare. - Have you sat in that chair all day? - I went out for a bevvy and a bet.
0:24:09 > 0:24:16- Dressed like that?- For God's sake! I bet when Dad came back from the war you didn't nag him like this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19When Uncle Stan came back minus an arm,
0:24:19 > 0:24:24you didn't go on about washing cups, and leaving artificial limbs about.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Well, they came back with their hair done.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31They didn't lie inside all afternoon,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34watching women's programmes on TV.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I'm honest, that's what I am, Mam. I'm down-to-earth.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- You'll never change, I know that. - HELLO!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Only me! Hello, Mrs Collier.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47How's Andy Capp?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50If only you took an example from Bob.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53If only you'd improve yourself.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55The new, improved Terry Collier!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58He'll never change!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hungary's top sexport,
0:25:01 > 0:25:06"likes men with style, panache, wit, and a natural sophistication."
0:25:06 > 0:25:15- That's rubbed you out with Zsa Zsa! - Not necessarily. Why shouldn't I be number six - or is it seven?
0:25:15 > 0:25:22I can't see Mrs Zsa Zsa Collier having soirees of sophistication in your mam's front room.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"Guests dined till dawn rose over the pickle factory"(!)
0:25:26 > 0:25:33- I wouldn't bring her here. I'd go over there!- Where? - The luxury hotel she was staying in.
0:25:33 > 0:25:40It'd be embarrassing for her, up there sipping martini in the Cecil Beaton suite,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42while you fought with the doorman.
0:25:42 > 0:25:48One more crack about me, and you'll get an ex-army boot around your ear.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51That's the wit that Zsa Zsa's after.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Bob, look... I'm not much good at this sort of thing but, er...
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- Well, thanks for sticking up for us. - That's OK, mate.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I appreciated that - and Thelma.
0:26:03 > 0:26:10Thelma and I... Well, Thelma and me...in the past we haven't exactly...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Well, she was bloody marvellous.
0:26:13 > 0:26:20You're a lucky lad. I hope you'll be happy, and I'm sorry I mentioned Deirdre's caterpillars.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26That's all right. Thelma never could stand Brenda.
0:26:26 > 0:26:33Not since I gave her my coronation mug and signed photo of Sherpa Tenzing.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I forged that.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I know. I remember what you wrote.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"Cheers, Terry - Sherpa Tenzing."
0:26:42 > 0:26:47It leaves a bit of a hole in your social calendar on Saturday nights.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52You can move Frank and Christine up, or Mike and Linda back from Friday.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I'll be free for a lads' night out.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00I couldn't cope with you, mate - Mr White-Collar, in the grey suit!
0:27:00 > 0:27:07I don't want you to change. Go on being as... Well, as forthright as you are.
0:27:07 > 0:27:14- And as crude and pig-ignorant. - I am not pig-ignorant. This is my seat of learning!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17That box is the University of Life!
0:27:17 > 0:27:22What have we learned, besides which end of asparagus you eat?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Do you know six useful Spanish phrases?
0:27:26 > 0:27:33- Or how to build a dam in Syria? Or the metamorphosis of the frog? - Do you?- Certainly.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37All right - what is the metamorphosis of the frog?
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Well...
0:27:41 > 0:27:45It starts out as little dots in the water.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Amoebas, they're called. Then...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- They're not amoebas. - They are.- They're not.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56The amoeba's a primitive life form, too small to see.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Well, if they are too small to see,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02how do you know they're not turning into frogs?
0:28:02 > 0:28:07There's no answer to that. Go on, then.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- What next?- Then you get frog spawn.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Then this thing develops two front legs, a head, and two back legs.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20- That ends up as your tadpole. - And after the tadpole?
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- The tadpole turns into the frog. - And then?
0:28:26 > 0:28:27What?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30And then?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And then it becomes a butterfly.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37BOOM!
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Intelfax Subtitles by Julia Watts for BBC Subtitling, 1995