0:00:01 > 0:00:06# Oh, what happened to you? Whatever happened to me?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11# What became of the people
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# We used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# Is the only thing to look forward to...
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# ..the past? #
0:00:32 > 0:00:40- You get the plates. I'll get the bottle opener.- Where's your mam? - Baby-sitting at Audrey's.
0:00:40 > 0:00:46- Why am I having fish 'n' chips? - No-one forced you. It was me that wanted them.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50That smell wafting into the car! What can a man do?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Won't do you any harm. Want some bread?
0:00:53 > 0:00:58No, thank you. Well, just a slice. Have you got any brown?
0:00:58 > 0:01:03- It's less fattening than white. - You're a funny fella.
0:01:03 > 0:01:09Fish, chips, batter, ketchup and a gherkin and you're worried about the bread!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I like to eat well-balanced meals.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I feel like I'm being unfaithful - to my stomach.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20In that case, you might as well go the whole hog.
0:01:20 > 0:01:27- If you were unfaithful to Thelma, you wouldn't keep your socks on! - No.- Have a pickled onion.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Ta.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- Oh, fantastic! - Forbidden fruit, eh?- Aye!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- I just remembered something.- What?
0:01:35 > 0:01:42- Thelma was leaving me some lasagne in the oven.- What's that? - Oh, it's um... Well, it's um...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's Italian.
0:01:44 > 0:01:51- We got a free cookbook with the cooker.- Really?- She'll have gone to a lot of trouble.
0:01:51 > 0:01:58- If you don't want yours, I'll have it.- No! The cat next door can have the lasagne.
0:01:58 > 0:02:05- Too fattening, anyway.- This is one of the great meals of the world! A British invention!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- In the dark days of depression and unemployment...- Last Christmas?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15No, in the '30s. That's when fish 'n' chip shops were invented.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It meant the working classes could get a hot meal.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Right! And don't tell me it's not nutritious.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Our parents, who ate this in the '30s, didn't do so bad in the '40s!
0:02:28 > 0:02:33- Not like those Italians, brought up on... What is it?- Lasagne.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37They capitulated at the first hint of hostilities.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- I don't think diet determines national character.- I think it does.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47The national dish is a good indication of the people.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I always avoid sauerkraut, sukiyaki and haggis!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54What have you got against the Japanese?
0:02:54 > 0:03:02I can understand the Germans, and the Scots are in the World Cup and we're not, but why the Japanese?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I suppose it goes back to childhood.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09When we were kids, the Japs were the enemy. More so than the Germans.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Saturday morning pictures, it was always a slant-eyed baddie we booed.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I don't harbour grudges like that -
0:03:17 > 0:03:22even though they tortured Biggles in Biggles In The Pacific!
0:03:22 > 0:03:28I don't trust them. Maybe because my uncle Fred was in prison there.
0:03:28 > 0:03:36- And you don't like Cockneys because your cousin was in Wormwood Scrubs. - That's not a very nice thing to say.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Every family's got a black sheep.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I dislike them cos they're southern.
0:03:42 > 0:03:49Sometimes I think you're the most unreasonable, prejudiced, bigoted soul in all the world.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- That's me. Pass the pickles. - This takes you back, doesn't it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Friday nights we'd come back here for fish 'n' chips,
0:03:58 > 0:04:05- have long pointless discussions about football or sex.- Usually both. - Not a care in the world.
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- Relegation, that was our main worry. - Good days, Terry.- Oh, magic! Magic.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Aye. Sometimes we'd have our fish 'n' chips on the 17 bus,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19off to the dance, eight pints inside us.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Each!
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Into the Roxy, swallowed up by that great, warm, sweaty cavern,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30a warm, expectant tingle in our loins!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That was the eight pints.
0:04:33 > 0:04:40Downstairs to share your metal comb, have a slash and into the cha-cha-cha!
0:04:40 > 0:04:45You'd bring 'em in close, and if they stayed in, cheek to cheek,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48you knew you were away.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51They all danced cheek to cheek...
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- ..to avoid the pickled onions on your breath.- Magic!
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Seems like yesterday, but it was years ago.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05The future's shrinking and I haven't got time for the present.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Why are you so nostalgic? You've cut yourself off from your past.
0:05:10 > 0:05:17- Up on the Elm Lodge housing estate with your badminton club friends! - Here we go again!
0:05:17 > 0:05:22What are you doing eating fish and chips in my terraced parlour?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- You should be on Nob Hill eating spaghetti!- Lasagne.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- How am I supposed to know? I'm not Fanny Craddock.- You're not!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You're not doing bad with that lot!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- I'll have terrible indigestion. - Guilty stomach!
0:05:37 > 0:05:43Like illicit sex. You can't stop yourself, but then you're sorry.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I'm not getting any, illicit or not.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Nor will I be, not with Thelma's speciality singeing in the oven.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Talk about the old days - you're still leading me astray,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00keeping me out, making me drink too much,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03filling me up with carbohydrates!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I was only having a half - seven hours ago!
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- Good job they closed the Roxy or we'd be down there. - I don't twist your arm!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- Hello!- Hello, Mrs Collier. Hello, Aud. Nice night?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Ernie got incapable and I had to drive Mam home.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- We've had some news. - Yes. Mrs Hope rang.- What news?
0:06:25 > 0:06:31- Your great-uncle Jacob's gone. - Gone where?- To a better place!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36You mean he's left the old people's home? He was never happy there.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40He passed on, Terry.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, never.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, dear. I am sorry.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- I never knew he was ill. - He wasn't. It was just like that.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- Oh, dear. I am sorry. - Well, he was 81, Bob.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Ah, me great-uncle Jacob. Well, I never. What a shame!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- I'll put the kettle on. - Don't you want to get back?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I'll wait till Ernie's asleep and avoid his caresses.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Oh, dear. I am sorry.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Was it just old age?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Oh, yes. Mrs Hope said he passed away quietly in his sleep.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25The first thing he's done quietly in his life.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Aye, he was a real character. Not many of his kind left.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Just as well. - What a nice thing to say(!)
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It's true. He was an old devil.
0:07:37 > 0:07:45It's not nice to say a wrong word about the departed but in his case you can't find a right word.
0:07:45 > 0:07:52He gave Marjorie a terrible life. Since she died, I don't know how many homes he's been in.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55He only just got into Studliegh Mount.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59He was 81, but he still had his urges.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04What was that first home he went into? Ilfracombe, wasn't it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07He nearly set that place on fire.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Rolling his own under the bedclothes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Women or cigarettes?
0:08:12 > 0:08:19- It could have been both, knowing HIM.- I've never heard such heartless indifference!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- He was a wrong 'un. - I call him a character.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29He was the salt of the earth. He was great to us when we were kids, remember?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32We used to visit him and old Joe Hargreaves.
0:08:32 > 0:08:38- He gave Joe Hargreaves a terrible life.- I'M upset, if you aren't.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41We were just talking about our past.
0:08:41 > 0:08:48Great-Uncle Jacob was part of my past and I'm sorry he's gone.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Gone forever...like the Roxy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56You're letting sentiment cloud the issue.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Uncle Jacob was a waster, a drifter!
0:08:59 > 0:09:04He was a war hero. He showed me his medals.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- They weren't his. - He was in the front line.
0:09:08 > 0:09:15- Not often. He spent three years in the glasshouse in Colchester. - What about his limp?
0:09:15 > 0:09:21In 1921 he had one job the entire year -
0:09:21 > 0:09:27Santa Claus in Binns department store. He got drunk and fell down the lift shaft.
0:09:27 > 0:09:35He used to tell us fantastic stories about the trenches, and the Merchant Navy.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40What about those fantastic stories about Shanghai and Valparaiso?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43The North Shields ferry was as far as he got.
0:09:43 > 0:09:50Wasn't he a fur trapper? Didn't he fight a bear and have his extremities attacked by frostbite?
0:09:50 > 0:09:56If they had been, his urges wouldn't have caused all that trouble.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01He might have coloured things a bit. That was his storyteller's gift.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05He was a liar and a drifter, as Audrey said.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10When he came out of the army he hardly did a day's work.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Any money he drank or gambled away. His wife's life was a misery.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20And as for his friend Joe... Well, he ruined that marriage.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24He was a bad-tempered, bigoted old so-and-so.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- My God!- What? - She's just described YOU.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Excuse me, I have to see a Mrs Hope.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57What did you want to see her about?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Mr Nesbit...the late Mr Nesbit.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I'm his nephew, you see.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Dear me! I thought this was an old people's home, not a loony bin.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- Keep your voice down.- He could do some damage with that stick.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- What did I say? He doesn't know me from Adam!- Sorry about that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:28- What's wrong with him?- I'm afraid your uncle wasn't very popular.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32That's armed assault, you know!
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Mr Craig used to play cards with your uncle.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- We warned him, but he wouldn't be told.- He always was a canny player.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I'll go and get Mrs Hope, then.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50- Nice little body, though.- I bet she kept your uncle's urges going!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53She's keeping mine going!
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Didn't we use to play cards with him in the shed on his allotment?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Aye! He taught us three-card brag.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05We used to do the allotment for him. He was to pay us sixpence an hour.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10We did his weeding and pulled his rhubarb. Hard work an' all.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13He never did pay us, did he?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17No. He just knocked it off what we owed him at three-card brag.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21It's a pity that all those stories he told us
0:12:21 > 0:12:28about the trenches, the China Seas, and bears in the tundra, it's a pity they aren't true.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30They are! Of course they're true!
0:12:30 > 0:12:36It's just Mam and the family, they always take Aunty Marjorie's side.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41He was all right. He was a proud man, an' all.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45He wouldn't let the bosses grind him down.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Never had a boss. Never worked, did he?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52No, I mean "them" - the bosses, the Tories.
0:12:52 > 0:12:58He beat the system. He wasn't going to swell the pocket of some profiteering capitalist.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02That doesn't mean he wasn't working-class in the true sense.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07You are just like him, you know. You're a chip off the old block.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- I'm working-class and proud of it. - So am I.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- Get away! You used to be. - I'm no less working-class than you.
0:13:16 > 0:13:22I ran the same streets, lived in the same draughty houses. But that was in my past.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27You still like to live with the working-class struggle.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Some of us have won the struggle and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
0:13:32 > 0:13:38- You lost something in the process. - What?!- Something old Jacob had.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Chip off the old block.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- About Mr Nesbit, is it? - Yes, I'm his great-nephew.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- These are his effects. I have to ask for your signature.- Is this all?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Well, everything is on this list.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59There was some cash - we did warn Mr Craig.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Clothing, letters, photographs, a watch on a gold chain
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and a pack of marked cards.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10No medals?!
0:14:10 > 0:14:14There weren't any. If you wish to check...
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- No, no, no. Where do I sign? - Just here.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23- My condolences. Is the service this morning?- Yes, we're on our way now.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28In the normal way I would attend myself, but, er...
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Is anybody else from here going? Any of the inmates?- Residents.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Oh, no. Nobody. Frankly, your uncle wasn't the most popular of men.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43We had a lot of difficulty.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47He was a character! He still had all his faculties.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50His faculties caused the difficulties.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56But for his demise we would have had to ask him to leave,
0:14:56 > 0:15:02particularly since that incident with Miss Armitage in the sun lounge.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Why does everyone say these things? Just cos he was a character.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10You'd prefer a bunch of zombies.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Make life easy for you if they sat around playing draughts all day.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Well, I hope I'm like him when I'm his age.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22You're remarkably like him now.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What time is it?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42It's not twenty to. We're early.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45We can just wait here. It's warm.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Even warmer where your uncle's going.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, that's nice!
0:15:52 > 0:16:00Sorry, but if what everyone says is true, I should think his destination is settled.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Unless he repented. - What would that matter?
0:16:04 > 0:16:10There's more joy in heaven over one sinner repenting than ordinary people just being good.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16If Jacob did repent, there'll be a hell of a ding-dong when he arrives.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19It's a bit unfair, though.
0:16:19 > 0:16:25At the last fence he says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
0:16:25 > 0:16:29It's unfair on good people who keep their noses clean.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34What about Miss Fairchild who sells church magazines?
0:16:34 > 0:16:39She wages war on want, helps dumb animals across the street.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Her kind's taken for granted.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Rasputin, he had the right idea.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- Did he? - Certainly. I saw it in a film.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55He reckoned God liked sinners, so he sinned as much as he could.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00All his life he drank vodka and had it away with Russian peasants,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04confident that in heaven there'd be all this rejoicing.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- So unfair. - That's life...or, rather, death.
0:17:09 > 0:17:16It's unfair on people like Miss Fairchild. What do they do when she gets up there?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"There's a magazine. Your cloud's over there.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"Excuse us, there's a party next door for Rasputin."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29The thing is to give yourself time to repent.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34It's a bit tough if it's sudden - if you get struck by lightning.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37What if we haven't repented?
0:17:37 > 0:17:43You'd be all right - Queen's Scout, you've applied to the Rotary Club,
0:17:43 > 0:17:49you're faithful to Thelma in deed, if not in thought, and you pay your rates prompt.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Celestial membership doesn't depend on paying your rates.
0:17:53 > 0:17:59It indicates the sort of person you are. No, you'd have no bother.
0:17:59 > 0:18:06- Your chances aren't very rosy. - I've led a more active life. I'm no stranger to sin.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09In the army I was in Germany, Cyprus and Malta.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Those places are heaving with sin.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Thelma and I've been to Cyprus and Malta on holiday.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22It's not the same, though - a package tour with your wife.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- IN A LOW VOICE: - We weren't married on them holidays.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Pardon?- We weren't married.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34There's no need to whisper. He knows.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39He knows about you and Deirdre Birchwood.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45And us nicking Dinky toys and ME getting caught.
0:18:45 > 0:18:51But this is small stuff compared with Mussolini or...Al Capone...
0:18:51 > 0:18:56- Or Uncle Jacob. - Every family's got its black sheep.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02Yours has got more than most - your cousin Tom, Uncle Jacob and you!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05You've got a whole flock of them!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Well, your family's not immune.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13What about your cousin Lillian who ran off with a road gang on the A1?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Lay-by Lil. What about her?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Lillian always was headstrong. She gets carried away.
0:19:24 > 0:19:30The bypass would have been finished months ago if it wasn't for her!
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Don't you go on about my family. Every family's got somebody.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Except Thelma. I'm sure her lot's as pure as the driven snow.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- You're wrong, as a matter of fact. - Oh?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- Yes... There's this cousin of her mother's. Don't say I...- No, no, no.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Well...he's... he's called Trevor.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57It's just that he's a bit...
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- Is he?- He was at the wedding. You won't have noticed him.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- That fella who smelt of lilies of the valley?- Trevor!
0:20:07 > 0:20:12Get away! Well, it takes all sorts.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17He lives with an antique dealer in Harrogate.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20They're all puffs in Harrogate.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Huhhh!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What time is it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's not ten to, yet.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35We're very early. Who's coming?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Oh, they'll all be here, all my family.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And old Joe Hargreaves if he's still mobile.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47The mob you only see at weddings and funerals. They'll all show up.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53They never came to see him at the home or ask him for the weekend or Christmas.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58They'll be here today in their fur and new hats. Hypocrites!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- You're a bit of hypocrite yourself. - What do you mean?
0:21:02 > 0:21:08We thought he was fantastic when we were kids, he was a character.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11He told us fantastic stories,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13but it is fairly apparent
0:21:13 > 0:21:19that he was a bad-tempered, idle, dishonest, lecherous old bigot.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22No disrespect.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28I'd like to say a few words on behalf of my great-uncle Jacob.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Somebody's got to defend him before he gets off to wherever he's going.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37All he tried to do in life was go his own way.
0:21:37 > 0:21:43His only sin was not conforming or becoming one of the faceless masses.
0:21:43 > 0:21:50He was true to himself but, for all the respect that's been shown to him in this world,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52the sooner he goes, the better.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- CONVEYOR BELT STARTS - What's happening?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03He's going sooner than you thought.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- What did I do?- Pressed the button. - How do I stop it?
0:22:08 > 0:22:14It's too late now. Uncle Jacob's going to miss his own funeral!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I think WE should an' all. Come on!
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Have one of these, Rose, or there's Audrey's fruit loaf.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Eee, I shouldn't... Well, just the one.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Some tea, Joe, or will you stick to beer?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'll have some tea later.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44Here's a napkin, Elsie, in case you get meringue down your new frock.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47He was a diabetic, Jacob. Oh.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Never stopped him eating sweets and drinking.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54He said he was a diabetic. You never knew what to believe.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59More cake, Kitty? I don't know where I put it!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I thought he'd outlive you. You never looked well.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I thought I'd never live as long as this, myself.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10If I'd known, I'd have got out of North Shields.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16- Hello, everybody, Rose, Aunty Kitty. You remember Bob, don't you?- Hello.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Why weren't you at the crematorium?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Ah, well... we went to Studliegh Mount, you see,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25and on our way there, Bob's car broke down.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Yes, it did. - Everything go all right?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32No, it was most peculiar. He wasn't there.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- He wasn't there? - He'd gone without us.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Typical of our Jacob, that!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47We traipse up to that cemetery in this bitter wind
0:23:47 > 0:23:51and he hasn't even the decency to hang on for us.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56- Most peculiar!- I feel sorry for the vicar. He was most embarrassed.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Well, I think it was body snatchers.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04In the old days when I was a girl there was body snatchers.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09I just don't understand. Didn't the undertaker show up with a coffin?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13The vicar saw it with his own eyes. Most peculiar!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17There's a switch. Somebody must have set it off.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Yes, well, I think we'll go and wash our hands.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Are you sure you two weren't there? - We told you! The car broke down.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Certain?- Positive.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I swear by me uncle's grave... if you could find it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Ah, well. Not too much harm done.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47It can't have helped our sin rating though - cocking up a funeral, then lying about it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Jacob would have seen the funny side.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53He'll have got there early.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58 They won't have time to put the decorations up for his party.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Oh, let's nip down the club. It's like a funeral in there.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- At lunch time? - It's good there during the day.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Most of the lads are laid off. Some great sessions!
0:25:10 > 0:25:15- I told Thelma I'd be home for my lunch.- Just a swift half.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Well...- Oh, I don't suppose you two remember me.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Of course we do. You remember Mr Hargreaves, Bob?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Of course I do. Nice to see you. Even in such sad circumstances.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Sad? Oh, aye.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36We've all got to go sometime. I shan't be long following him.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I'm in the crematorium Christmas Club, myself.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You knew him longer than anybody.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Aye, I knew him all my life. We went to school together.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52By, this world's seen some changes since them days.
0:25:52 > 0:25:58Two World Wars, television, H-bombs...topless waitresses.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Well, I thought he was a fine man.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Not many people have a good word to say, but you knew the truth.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Aye.- You were his best friend.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Aye, nigh on 75 years. Through thick and thin, good and bad.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19That's a long time to know someone. That's friendship, that is.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I can honestly say that he was a terrible man.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25What?!
0:26:25 > 0:26:30If you feel that way, why did you put up with him all these years?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33That's what I constantly ask myself.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38It wasn't easy in those days to cut yourself off and get on.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I managed it. I even married above my class.
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Over the years he'd keep coming back, borrowing money, making trouble.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51It didn't do me work any good, or me marriage.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Everything I ever tried to do, he mucked up.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Well, he didn't have much to show for it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02The sum total of his life is contained in this box.
0:27:02 > 0:27:09Faded letters, odd coins, old photographs and a watch.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Is it a weskit watch with a chain? - Aye, this one.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I wondered where it had got to.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I'm sorry, Mr Hargreaves. It's all right, love.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28- You're being rude sitting in here. - There's no room in there.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30What's the matter, Bob?
0:27:30 > 0:27:37- What's wrong with Bob?- I don't know. Unless he's trying to bend forks by willpower.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41PHONE RINGS Get that. I'm making more sandwiches.
0:27:41 > 0:27:47- I've seen the future. I have just seen the future.- He's going to meet a tall, dark sailor.
0:27:47 > 0:27:53No. Audrey, him - he's old Uncle Jacob.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Old Joe Hargreaves - that's me.
0:27:56 > 0:28:03He tried to better himself, he married above his class, he got a nice home and a nice wife.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05But that wasn't any good,
0:28:05 > 0:28:11not with Uncle Jacob borrowing money, breaking up his marriage.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16Jacob and Joe... they're Bob and Terry, 40 years on.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- You said it, Bob.- I've seen the future and it's a nightmare!
0:28:20 > 0:28:25It's in your hands. That glimpse may have been a blessing in disguise.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30The solution's simple enough. You've got to cut yourself adrift from that.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32It's an omen! I'll stop seeing him.
0:28:32 > 0:28:37I'll stop doing what he wants me to. He's not ruining my life.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I'm pleased to hear you say it, Bob.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- Let's get down the club.- No!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- Pardon?- NO!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- Come on! A swift half.- I said no.
0:28:48 > 0:28:56I'm not coming with you. You'll realise that I'll be coming with you less and less and less.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01I'm going home to have lunch with my wife, with Thelma.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- It won't be ready. - Well, how would YOU know?
0:29:05 > 0:29:10That was Thelma on the phone asking what she should do about lunch.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13I said you won't be back till 3.30. Howay!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Intelfax Subtitles by Kate Shaw for BBC Subtitling, 1995