0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# What became of the people
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# We used to be?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Today went by so fast
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# Is the only thing to look forward to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# The past? #
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Gentlemen. Ah, nectar.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Thanks, Gloria. Want one yourself? Not just now, thanks, Bob.
0:00:45 > 0:00:51We'd enough last night. We were at a victualler dinner dance. Ooh, I can't tell ya!
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Is that why Jack's not here? He can't move! Literally can't move!
0:00:56 > 0:01:03Miracle he's alive after what he put back. Walking miracle, IF he could walk!
0:01:03 > 0:01:08The first of the weekend. The weekend starts here. The first beer.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Since lunch time.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Nothing's like that Friday night feeling. It's a working class thing.
0:01:15 > 0:01:22The working classes have to do jobs they don't like, so Friday night is a wonderful release.
0:01:22 > 0:01:30It's wonderful to think that for two whole days we haven't got to face that grind, sweat and toil.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Haven't got to chip away at a seam or hoist a girder or work a lathe.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Lift that barge, tote that bale Right!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43What? Ole Man River, he just keeps a-rollin' along(!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Is that an irrelevance to my point?
0:01:45 > 0:01:52Working class sweat is an irrelevance to you. I beg your pardon, you middle class crawler!
0:01:52 > 0:02:00What's this "Friday release"? You don't work. Every night is the same. Like, where were you on Wednesday?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04With you? I wasn't across the doors.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I was sure I was with you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09So those shoes aren't yours?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14What shoes? The ones I woke up in.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19What a state to get into! Next it'll be rats across the ceiling!
0:02:19 > 0:02:25I don't drink that much. Sometimes I drink to forget. Forget what
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Can't remember. I've forgotten
0:02:27 > 0:02:31That's cos you drink too much. Effective, eh?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36I'm cutting down. Beer's OK, but it's so fattening.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41I don't have that problem. You're lucky. You never put an ounce on.
0:02:41 > 0:02:48Doesn't mean your insides are in good order. And you smoke too much! I'm cutting down on that, too.
0:02:48 > 0:02:54You still go through enough of them cheroots. I've cut down on inhaling.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I only smoke socially - when I'm out.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59That's me point. You're never in!
0:02:59 > 0:03:07Five years in the army. I'm in shape! Being in the army doesn't make you a perfect specimen.
0:03:07 > 0:03:15Keep fit is up to the individual. What about all the sport? Football, boxing, swimming - you name it
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Was it compulsory? Of course not. Then you wouldn't have done it
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Oh, yes? Then WHO...just ask me WHO
0:03:23 > 0:03:31was the Second Battalion Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers snooker champ in 1968? Surprise us.
0:03:31 > 0:03:352381444 Lance Corporal Collier that's who!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38That's really healthy - snooker !)
0:03:38 > 0:03:42An occasional walk round the table(!)
0:03:42 > 0:03:49It was quite a brisk walk. I keep in trim. I've seen how people our age let their bodies fall apart
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Thelma and me play squash and do 20 press-ups every night
0:03:57 > 0:03:59EVERY night?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Except Fridays.
0:04:03 > 0:04:09And I do a bit of yoga and I stick to a healthy diet wheat germ, yogurt.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Look how good my skin is. Bob, you don't half fuss!
0:04:14 > 0:04:21There's always some new fad, some short cut to health! Hasn't helped your catarrh.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23That's the pollution up here!
0:04:23 > 0:04:30So what's the point in not smoking? You remind me of the story of the rich millionaire rancher in Texas.
0:04:30 > 0:04:38He spent a fortune building a fallout shelter. It had everything - radar, food for three years.
0:04:38 > 0:04:45He was laying the last brick, when... Go on. An Indian shot him in the back with an arrow.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Where's the point? Between his shoulder blades!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53No, what does it prove? Come on, don't be dim!
0:04:53 > 0:05:01What is the point in nursing your body and eating yogurt when some Indian can kill you with an arrow?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Up here? You know perfectly well what I mean.
0:05:05 > 0:05:12You could be... knocked over by a bus! 'Course The buses are driven by Indians
0:05:31 > 0:05:37See what I mean? Our lives hang by a thread. Life's so...so... Tenuous. What
0:05:37 > 0:05:44Tenuous. Aye. Any minute a bus, a falling beam... You never can tell.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I see what you mean.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Ee, look at 'em! Look at that ginger one.
0:05:59 > 0:06:07Soccer's golden nursery, up here. One of them'll make it. Probably scouts from six clubs lurking.
0:06:07 > 0:06:14Follow 'em back to some council house, slip dad a few hundred, buy mum a spin dryer, they're only 1.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19That's your escape from the lathe and thin seam.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Aye.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25If only.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27If only.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32What do you mean "if only"? I'll tell you what if only!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I'll show you what the game lost! Don't be childish.
0:06:35 > 0:06:43What's wrong wi' you, body beautiful?! You're meant to be in trim(!) I'll outlast YOU any day!
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Give us a game then. One each side. Choose. What's to choose? Cheeky...!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Which do you want?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We'll 'ave the fat one.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Are you all right? Am I hell!
0:07:16 > 0:07:21That kid went right over the top! NO attempt to play the ball!
0:07:21 > 0:07:28It was a professional foul and I've rarely seen it so perfectly executed! He really clobbered you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31And I was through. Certain goal
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Did you see how he brought me down? Dirty little so-and-so!
0:07:35 > 0:07:41He showed a lot of promise. Aye All the attributes. Impressive
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He's got what it takes. Oh, aye
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Dirty so-and-so!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I'm knackered!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Well, of course you are, man. We're getting old.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Our bodies can't take it any more.
0:07:54 > 0:08:01I read that thousands of body cells die every day, never to be replaced!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04We're dying from the moment we're born.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08No, surely you've got to grow a bit first
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Well, from when you start putting it about and drinking - about 1 .
0:08:13 > 0:08:17I suppose so. We're not what we were.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23When we were 16, we'd go out Friday, get drunk, go to a dance, home at dawn,
0:08:23 > 0:08:31up at 8.00, sausage, bacon, fried bread, then cycle to Berwick! And back! No hangover. Never!
0:08:31 > 0:08:36I'll have one tomorrow. Not if you can't get a drink!
0:08:36 > 0:08:43You can never get served here. HOWAY, PET! How many of my cells have died waiting for a drink here?
0:08:43 > 0:08:50Mind you... What? However many cells are dying, you can still slow the process up a bit. How
0:08:50 > 0:08:56By keeping in trim. Trim(!) Tonight, look how I lasted the pace better.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00You lasted because of your brilliant positional sense -
0:09:00 > 0:09:03by avoiding the ball for hours
0:09:03 > 0:09:08I ghost around like Martin Peters. He doesn't use much energy either.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14I may have a hangover, but I could still cycle to Berwick, no problem.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20Could you hell! Remember how good I was? You don't forget that. Bet your legs have.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26All I'm saying is, should the need arise, I could still cycle to Berwick.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29So could I. Quicker than you an' all.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33# Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! #
0:09:33 > 0:09:35What are you bleating about?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You couldn't get to the Black Horse!
0:09:38 > 0:09:43I was just as keen a cyclist as you. I don't deny it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:51Once, you were faster, but in question here is the toll the years have taken on our respective bodies.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55You've lost more cells than me I could still beat you to Berwick.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59You couldn't. I BET you I could
0:09:59 > 0:10:02OK, put up your money. I'm willing. How much?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Enough. I'm confident. How confident? Say ?25,000?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Against my yacht, I suppose(?)
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Right. ?25 then.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17What? ?25, first one to Berwick tomorrow.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Well, I haven't got a bike! If I had...
0:10:24 > 0:10:30You can borrow a bike. Your brother-in-law Ernie's got a bike!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And you? My bike's still in me Mum's shed.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39You're on! Tomorrow. First one to Berwick - ?25.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Will you pay hotel expenses?
0:10:42 > 0:10:47What hotel expenses? Mine, cos you won't get there till Tuesday!
0:10:47 > 0:10:54I'll pedal you into the ground We'll see! You think you can abuse your body and stay in shape?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I do! What do you want, pet?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01My round, Bob. Just half of special.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Have a pint, man, and a short with it!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08A pint and a large scotch... And for you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Bitter lemon, please.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22What are they? Water bottles!
0:11:22 > 0:11:29But I've made you a thermos. That's for when I stop. I need these on the move.
0:11:29 > 0:11:35Sandwiches, eggs and a banana. I'd have done more, but you won't get far.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Funny(!)
0:11:37 > 0:11:42There's plasters and glucose tablets. I couldn't get distress flares
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You're worse than Bob, you are
0:11:45 > 0:11:51Is the bike OK? Now I've oiled it and blown the tyres up. Where's the bottle opener?
0:11:51 > 0:11:58Hasn't been touched for a year Ernie bought it for his fitness kick. Lasted a week!
0:11:58 > 0:12:03We went to the Odeon last week, we had to stop halfway up the stairs!
0:12:03 > 0:12:09But some of us keep ourselves in shape, look after ourselves
0:12:09 > 0:12:13What are you doing?! I'll need these on the move, won't I
0:12:13 > 0:12:17You'll not be OFF the move with that lot!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Morning.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Good God!
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Bob, you look very competitive Doesn't he? Who's sponsoring you?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32You're going like that? What's wrong?
0:12:32 > 0:12:39Nothing except it's hot and unsuitable! It's not the Tour de rotten France!
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Trust you! A brewery's sponsoring you, eh? Look at them shorts(!
0:12:44 > 0:12:52Like a cup of tea, love? No thanks, Aud. Not too much fluid. I've had a high protein cereal and peaches.
0:12:52 > 0:12:59He's had four slices of bread and dripping and black pudding Come on, then, let's get off.
0:13:08 > 0:13:16That's not yours! The chain's gone on mine. That's not YOURS That must be 12 ounces, that.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21It's not the bike that counts. It's these! Don't take any chances, but.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Don't you need a mac? No. We're taking the train back
0:13:26 > 0:13:32Not necessarily the same train though, but. I'm not waiting!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The forecast said showers imminent.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Are you right, then? Come on.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46I think you're both mad, but may the best man win. I'm sure you will, Bob.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Howay, let's get started!
0:13:56 > 0:14:03They used to do this every Saturday morning. 'Course, they were kids then. They won't get far now.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I forgot me sandwiches.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40OK? Never better! Sid's Cafe is the first check-in point.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Whoever gets there first, gets that many minutes in hand. OK, I'll wait.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Twelve and a half minutes. What
0:14:54 > 0:14:59I'm ahead 12? minutes. I've only your word for that! No, ask Sid
0:14:59 > 0:15:05What do you want? A yellow jersey? I got you tea. I expect it's cold.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I've had to put air in me back tyre.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Liar. I have! I've a slow puncture!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Only slow puncture you've got is in your lungs!
0:15:15 > 0:15:21I've been dogged by ill luck! Ah, well, take this cup in for us.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26I'll be off, but you can't start for 12? minutes. You promise?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Promise. On your honour? YES!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Stage Two - the Bluebell Garage
0:16:09 > 0:16:15I KNEW you'd cheat! I wasn't cheating. Cheat, cheat, cheat!
0:16:15 > 0:16:20I just didn't want to get out of me stride, get cramp.
0:16:20 > 0:16:27I'd have told you. We'll go together, but I'm 12? minutes in hand. I waited half a minute
0:16:36 > 0:16:37COUGHS
0:18:38 > 0:18:41BAST-A-A-A-RD!
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Taking a short cut? I'll short cut you! You could've KILLED me!
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Me? How?
0:19:30 > 0:19:35You did them bloody brakes! YOU did my bloody wheel!
0:19:35 > 0:19:42That was a joke. This could've been fatal! I could've hit something Not on this stretch.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45You could've killed me.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Well, what about this?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Well, I'm sorry.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I fell in some nettles, an' all
0:19:57 > 0:20:01I'll find a dock leaf. No, don't bother!
0:20:01 > 0:20:06I've some TCP in my bag. You would have! The Flying Doctor(!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Is your bike all right? How should I know?!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Want to pack it in, then?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Of course I do! You won't get me on that again
0:20:18 > 0:20:20'Ey, you!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I wanna word with you!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Tea, please. I've got it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57It's cold by now. How did you get here?
0:20:57 > 0:21:03On me bike. How did you get here? No. How did you get here before me?
0:21:03 > 0:21:09Pedalled faster. I never saw you pass me. Did you take the by-pass? Yes.
0:21:09 > 0:21:16I went straight through the town. I wanted to stop for some liquorice allsorts.
0:21:16 > 0:21:23You never overtook me! Even if it's shorter through the town! I'd lost you! No, you hadn't, Bob.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25How long have you been here?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Ten minutes. Impossible! Come on.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34Sir, how long is it? I asked him to adjudicate - independent witness.
0:21:34 > 0:21:41Exactly ten minutes by my watch I've eaten - egg and chips, and a jam tart.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Impossible!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Shall I tell you why? Pacing. That's what it's all about.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Oh, you had to fly off and grab an early lead.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56I'd lost you before Belford. No, you were always in my sights.
0:21:56 > 0:22:04Exactly ten minutes. So, you are two minutes ahead, but I am exactly where I planned to be.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09I s'pose what I did was ease up with no-one in sight.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I didn't want to humiliate you
0:22:12 > 0:22:15No danger of that now. Want owt to eat?
0:22:15 > 0:22:20No, I think I'll crack on. I don't want to tighten up.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Two minutes? Aye. This gentleman will make sure I'm fair.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Two minutes. Right. Right.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Where's the next checkpoint? Er .. Fenwick Station. Right. I'll wait.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Hang on.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54One fifty...one fifty-five... two minutes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42No sign. He didn't look happy when we passed him. No stamina
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Hasn't got my staying power or will to win. Or my lorry.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Fancy another pint? No, must crack on. Pie? Crisps
0:23:52 > 0:23:55No. You'll drop us at Fenwick Station? Aye.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Don't forget these. Aye. Fill me water bottles.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57There's no sign of anyone! Not surprised, place like this
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The ticket office is all shut up.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Oh, there'll just be one bloke to do the lot.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10Probably having a kip or is on his allotment watering his begonias.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13There's a fire on, so he can't be that far.
0:25:13 > 0:25:21Can't be a bad job, but. Pop out a few times a day, blow a whistle, rest of the time's your own.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Can't be many trains. In Berwick, we could've got one
0:25:25 > 0:25:31We didn't get to Berwick, did we? Is there a shop? Did you find one?
0:25:31 > 0:25:38There's a post office - closed Station master must be having an affair with the post mistress!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Right, right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:48She'll have put up "position closed" and rushed to the elicit arms of her uniformed lover.
0:25:48 > 0:25:55Up here, they'd have to meet in secret. They're probably doing it on his allotment.
0:25:55 > 0:26:03Consummating the union between British Rail and the Post Office. Cries of ecstasy from the radishes.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Theirs was a wild love! Untamed
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Bloody inconvenient if you want a train or a postal order!
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Hope there's a buffet on that train. I'm starving!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Ooh, I'm stiffening up, an' all
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I can't straighten up! I CANNOT straighten up!
0:26:21 > 0:26:29I'm not too bad, apart from the nausea, a blinding headache and a lack of feeling in my left buttock.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34Who invented the saddle?! I hope I can still have children!
0:26:36 > 0:26:42Think how many cells have died today, how many hours we've taken off our lives.
0:26:42 > 0:26:50We've been a bit daft. It's you Bob. You've this reluctance to accept things the way they are.
0:26:50 > 0:26:56It wasn't getting to Berwick. It was trying to recapture your past.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00You have got to accept, however painful it may be,
0:27:00 > 0:27:05you have got accept you will never be Martin Peters or Ilie Nastase.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13Just as once we had to force you to accept that you'd never be Biggles.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I haven't given up on Biggles.
0:27:15 > 0:27:23After today, I can accept I'll never be a Tour de France cyclist. Not with brown ale instead of water.
0:27:23 > 0:27:29You'll not get me on a saddle again. Nor me. I'll stick to badminton. Snooker, me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Maybe I'll just be a fanatical spectator.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38It's no good. You have got to make sacrifices as you get older.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42For the rest of my life, I'll give up exercise.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Hello. Oh, visitors.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50When's the next train?
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Better than they thought. They forecast rain.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57The post mistress can't be fussy. Ssh.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02It's due, mind. Rain. It's on the way. Yes.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06When's the next train south? Oh, Monday morning.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09WHAT?! We've got to get back tonight!
0:28:09 > 0:28:14What? Oh, no, there's nothing tomorrow, you know, Sunday.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Monday. Come on, man, we've got to get back!
0:28:18 > 0:28:23We can't get stuck here. I've got no trousers. It's gonna rain.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28There MUST be a train to Newcastle! We've just GOT to get back there!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Well, you're lucky. Lucky?! Lucky?!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Lucky you've got them bicycles
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Sharon Backer, TPL for BBC Subtitling, 1996