0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Oh, what happened to you?
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Whatever happened to me?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# What became of the people
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# We used to be?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Tomorrow's almost over
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Today went by so fast
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Is the only thing to look forward to
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# The past? #
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Bye-bye, pet. Take care. Good morning.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54My! Had an accident, have you?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Whatever gave you that idea(?)
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Now, drive carefully, pet.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Aye, I think she better! Ha, ha!
0:01:18 > 0:01:26Sorry I'm late. I was at the dentist. I need a filling so I have to go again. How was your weekend skiing?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:33I didn't do it skiing. How, then? It was an accident in the home.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Of course, Terry was at the bottom of it. The foot of it!
0:01:38 > 0:01:43Pardon? Nothing. Oh, what happened to your eye?
0:01:43 > 0:01:51No comment. My boyfriend, Gordon, had a black eye. I've got lots of work and I haven't had my coffee.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56I had to go to the dentist. I WAS in pain. Nothing like my pain.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00You came back from your honeymoon with that foot in plaster.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04I didn't do that skiing. I'm a good skier.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10But it's ironical. What? That every time you go skiing, you get hurt.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13But you don't do it skiing. It's funny.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Yes, it's bloody hysterical(!)
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Swear box!
0:02:20 > 0:02:25It's only 2p for a B-L-O-O-D-Y. I might need some credit today
0:02:25 > 0:02:30It owes you 8p, then. Right. What did they say it is?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34It could be ligaments. At least nothing's broken.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38It's serious. It could finish a football career.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43But it's not as serious in the building trade.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48A physio-bloody-therapist now, are we? 6p it owes you.
0:02:48 > 0:02:55Is the kettle boiled? My boyfriend, Gordon, had cartilage. It's worse than ligaments.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00We were going scrambling in Blackburn. Blackburn's in Lancashire.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I know where bloody Blackburn is! 4p!
0:03:04 > 0:03:09I was on the back of his moped. Near Kendal, he skidded to avoid a cow.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15I was OK as I was wearing a crash helmet, even though it wasn't compulsory then.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20But Gordon fell awkwardly and did his cartilage.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And the cow?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It was unscathed. That's a relief(!)
0:03:25 > 0:03:32But Gordon bore the consequences for several months. He had to give up football.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37He was the leading goal scorer for the Sunday Methodist league
0:03:37 > 0:03:43He couldn't dance or ride his moped cos he couldn't get his leg over.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Do you purposely try to provoke me, Wendy? What do you mean?
0:03:50 > 0:03:57Every conversation we have is about your Gordon! Everything I've done, he's done first!
0:03:57 > 0:04:05Being the Methodists' top scorer doesn't make him Sports Personality of the Year. I'm up to here with it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I've been meaning to say something for ages. What?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Hang on, hang on. I'll pay in advance.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Your Gordon...
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Morning! Is this the wrong time? No, the right time!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Before SOME of us say things we'll regret!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Just cos SOME of us have ligaments!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Nothing compared to cartilage!
0:04:30 > 0:04:36What's up with her? Stupid girl Don't take your mood out on her. KETTLE WHISTLES
0:04:36 > 0:04:42The kettle's boiled. Shall I do the honours? Eee, she... Now, now!
0:04:42 > 0:04:48She's not to blame for your injury. We know who is, don't we? Indirectly.
0:04:48 > 0:04:56Indirectly! Do you take sugar? You know I don't. How is it you always feature in all my misfortunes?
0:04:56 > 0:05:01What a thing to say. How is it you're the cause of my anguish?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05What a thing to say. Drink that while it's hot.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL! 4p!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10YOU'RE FIRED!
0:05:10 > 0:05:16I'm sorry, kid. It was an accident. Leave it alone! Don't you touch it!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I said it was an accident.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24It's very unkind to say that I am the cause of all your misfortunes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:31All right, last weekend, you looked after my house just for the weekend, as I was away.
0:05:31 > 0:05:39As a result, there's a hole in the living room ceiling, plaster on the carpet and Thelma has concussion.
0:05:39 > 0:05:47I have strained ligaments, and a neighbour and ex-friend has hit me because you seduced his wife.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Yes, but... It's not a question of "Yes, but". How much of a catalogue of catastrophe do you need?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59She seduced me.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03WHO did WHAT to WHOM and HOW is academic.
0:06:03 > 0:06:10The point is, I, as usual, have to suffer the consequences of your immoral behaviour.
0:06:10 > 0:06:17He'll never speak to me again. Who? Mr Upton, the neighbour. We were quite good friends.
0:06:17 > 0:06:25He'd help me service the car. Oh? He'd lend me a grease gun. Yes? I'll have to buy my own now.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31I'm sorry my immoral behaviour means you have to buy a grease gun.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36And for the ceiling, for which you seem to think I'm partly to blame.
0:06:36 > 0:06:44Partly? You're totally responsible! Look, I'll pay for any damages you claim I am responsible for
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Send me a bill. I'll pay my way
0:06:47 > 0:06:52What with? Pardon? What with? What will you pay your way with?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56You'll get your money! You will
0:06:56 > 0:07:01In here is what you've borrowed from me in the last month.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05On the 5th, ?6 towards a new raincoat,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08which we've yet to see.
0:07:08 > 0:07:1218th - ?8. Reason undisclosed.
0:07:12 > 0:07:2021st - ?10 to take out Clare Daly. 22nd - ?3 for flowers, to apologise to Clare Daly.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I'm temporarily out of funds..
0:07:23 > 0:07:30You're permanently out of funds With most people, the solution is simple. They go out and work
0:07:30 > 0:07:35And where do I get work? Do you know the number of unemployed?
0:07:35 > 0:07:42Don't you know we are in a slump? Don't you know there's an energy crisis?
0:07:42 > 0:07:48You've got the energy crisis. Look at the state of Britain's economy!
0:07:48 > 0:07:52It's my economy I worry for - the strain you put on it!
0:07:52 > 0:07:58This injury has brought your nasty side out. It has to be said, Terry.
0:07:58 > 0:08:06If there's a slump, it's because people like you draw dole to cover their beer, bets and billiards
0:08:06 > 0:08:16Your mother keeps you. And you live off your Audrey. Or you come for free coffee and my biscuits. Right!
0:08:16 > 0:08:22That's it, I won't be round for coffee any more! It has to be said.
0:08:22 > 0:08:29Well, you said it, you've made it clear. You'll get your money, every penny, even your rotten biscuits.
0:08:29 > 0:08:36Don't worry. I won't be a burden on your economy any longer! OR your friendship!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, God!
0:08:40 > 0:08:46I'll just gather up some of my things if I may. What? Cos I'm fired.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I said it in the heat of the moment.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54You said lots today in the heat of the moment. I'm in pain!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Oh, look, I'm sorry, Wendy. I'm sorry, really. All right, Bob.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Do you accept my apology? Yes, Bob.
0:09:02 > 0:09:10It would take more than this to come between us, don't you think? Yes. I won't mention Gordon again.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14It's not him, it's the bloody swear box.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It's about your benefit, Mr Collier.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Oh? Am I getting a rise, pet? We'll have to stop it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32What? WHAT?
0:09:32 > 0:09:40I've warned you before, Mr Collier. Benefit is only paid if we are unable to place you in employment.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45But we can place you. Or, at least, offer you the chance.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49But you don't accept them, or you don't turn up for interview,
0:09:49 > 0:09:56or you're rude to them, as you were at Ramsey Electrics recently. I wasn't.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Mr Llewellyn said you were.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03He was rude to me. Only after you called him "a humourless Welsh pig".
0:10:03 > 0:10:07He was. I couldn't work with a man like that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:15It is thought that you intentionally provoke antagonism in order to avoid the danger of being offered a job.
0:10:15 > 0:10:23Well, that's not true. That's just my nature. I'm forthright, you see. I've always antagonised people
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Mr Thompson of Tyne Electronics said you had a surly disposition.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Mr Lyle of JC Braithwaite found you offensive.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37And Mr Snowdon of Beacon Instruments called you a born troublemaker.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I can't help being forthright.
0:10:40 > 0:10:47You're a tradesman, and we can place you in your trade. I don't want that. I want something new.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53You tried that one when you asked for a job in PR. What's wrong with that?
0:10:53 > 0:10:58You're not qualified and I doubt you know what it is.
0:10:58 > 0:11:05I just don't want to go back to what I've always done. I want a fresh start, something else.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10You'll have to take an unskilled job until something else turns up.
0:11:10 > 0:11:17Look, Miss Dixon, you're an understanding woman, sympathetic, and, if I may say so,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21speaking forthrightly, a very attractive woman.
0:11:21 > 0:11:28I've often wondered what a woman as attractive as you is doing working here.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You'd be more suited for the stage, or modelling.
0:11:31 > 0:11:37I suppose your sense of duty made you reject the bright lights.
0:11:37 > 0:11:44But, being the person you are, you must understand the problems that face a man like me.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I mean, what chance has a man got?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51With me, Mr Collier, none at all.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Thanks a bunch, you humourless Scottish cow.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03I do not need a wheelchair, Thelma. I'm not bloody Ironside.
0:12:03 > 0:12:09Bob, please watch your tongue. There's a nun over there with a broken arm.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15Why's a nun got a broken arm? Not very active, are they? Bob, sshh!
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Maybe she thought she was the flying nun and fell out the window.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26You've been so rude since this leg. I'm in pain. When shall I get you?
0:12:26 > 0:12:31I'll be here hours. NHS - there won't be a doctor around.
0:12:31 > 0:12:38They'll be having a singsong or playing rugby. I'll ring and find out what's what. OK? Bye.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53This is our rest room. Very cosy !)
0:12:53 > 0:12:57If you're skiving, don't come here - they'll find you.
0:12:57 > 0:13:05Try the boiler room behind Physiotherapy. But look out for Sister Kennedy. Which one's she?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You can't miss her. She's the enemy.
0:13:07 > 0:13:16Do we eat with the nurses? Yes but there's not much fraternising. They all want doctors, not porters.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21I'm only a temporary porter. I'm skilled - a tradesman.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What trade? Electrician.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Good lad! Here, you can fix that kettle of ours
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Why are you here, if you have a trade?
0:13:31 > 0:13:38Oh, I'm just waiting for another position more suitable for my qualifications,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42but till then, I want to do something worthy.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48It's a sense of service, of duty, to help those who can't help themselves.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52There's a fella out there wants wheeling to X-ray.
0:13:52 > 0:13:59Can't he wheel himself? This is our tea-break. Fine sense of service(!) Now, shift yourself!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Florence Nightingale(!) Dear me
0:14:10 > 0:14:14It's my mate! Can't you wheel him to X-ray?
0:14:14 > 0:14:21I don't want him to see me working here - not as a porter. What's wrong with being a porter?
0:14:21 > 0:14:26It's different for you, being a head porter. But I'm a skilled man.
0:14:26 > 0:14:35It's different for you an' all. No offence, but for you lot it's driving buses or frying hamburgers.
0:14:35 > 0:14:43I mean, that's why you're here No, I'm here because I'm doing my PhD at Durham University. Pardon?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47So, I work here to supplement my grant. Oh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:55When I did my degree in Sociology at Cambridge, I worked in a hospital. I enjoy the atmosphere.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00And meeting nurses. Bully for you, Sidney Poitier(!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06There's a patient out there, waiting to go to X-ray.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- He's just going. - Don't "just go", go!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You two, come with me.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17National Health! Be here for hours!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21You could die in here waiting. Problems could set in.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26I say, you could die in here. Lots of people do.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Oh, I didn't mean that. I meant the time it takes.
0:15:31 > 0:15:38Shall I tell you something? Yes. I'm 68 and these teeth are all me own.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Really? Aye, all me original first teeth.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49Fantastic. I hope when I'm your age, I'll have your teeth. They're mine!
0:15:49 > 0:15:54No, I didn't mean that, I meant... Oh, we're off. Bye.
0:15:54 > 0:15:5768, and all me own! Ha, ha!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11It's not infectious, you know. Ha, ha!
0:16:11 > 0:16:17Still, I suppose you can't be too careful in a hospital. All them germs around.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22That old lady was 68 and still had her own teeth.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Why are you wearing that mask?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Hey, steady on!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Bob. Oh!
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Hello, Terry. Hello, kidda, I brought you these. Thanks.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Shall I put them in here? No, that's for... Oh.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Put them down. The nurse'll do them.
0:17:48 > 0:17:56Are you OK? Looks pretty serious. I've just got to keep it up. I'm under observation, you see
0:17:56 > 0:18:03What are you doing here? I knew you were coming here today and I wanted to catch you.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Why? Well...a lot of things were said yesterday.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Unnecessary things - it wasn't all your fault.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16But I thought we should try and clear the air.
0:18:16 > 0:18:24But the flowers? Ah...when I enquired about you, they said you'd been er... Admitted.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Yes, so I popped across the road to that barrow and got you those.
0:18:29 > 0:18:37I know it was extravagant and I should have given you the three pounds to take off what I owe you...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39No, no, it was most kind, Terry
0:18:39 > 0:18:46I'm sorry things were said. It was unfair to blame you for my misfortunes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I mean, I can't blame you for this one, eh?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54This was the fault of some masked maniac.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Get away! Yes, I did this in here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And this.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07How did that happen? I hit a tea urn.
0:19:07 > 0:19:15That is scalding hot tea, that is. Have you...er...complained, like?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Oh, yes, but who's listening? But you're comfortable?
0:19:19 > 0:19:26I wish they'd lower it. It strains my back. Shall I have a look and... No, don't touch it!
0:19:26 > 0:19:32All right. Now, is there anything I can get you? No, Thelma's on her way.
0:19:32 > 0:19:38Thanks for those. Sorry things were said, but it was for your own good.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I know. And I went down the labour today.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47But all there is are unskilled jobs like working at the rope factory,
0:19:47 > 0:19:53or portering...for BR. I've got pride. You can't expect me to...
0:19:53 > 0:19:58No, no, of course not. Quite! On the other hand, there is a case...
0:19:58 > 0:20:06Case for what? For swallowing one's pride. Sometimes one has to take a menial task. Sometimes one...
0:20:06 > 0:20:12One! You mean I might have to take a menial task. As things are. As I'm in debt to you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:20Not a question of being in debt, a question of standing on one's own two feet. More than you can manage!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'm just trying to say that, over the years...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29you've leaned on me too much. I've carried you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32YOU'VE carried ME? Yes. From early on.
0:20:32 > 0:20:40At school, I covered up for your truancy. You never did homework. You copied mine in the bus.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45When we had exams at evening class, you copied off me in the lavatory.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47We failed those exams.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51At least I failed by my own efforts.
0:20:51 > 0:20:58I failed by your efforts! If I'd passed, I wouldn't be stuck now. It's your doing.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01How come the blame's ended up on me again?
0:21:01 > 0:21:07Oh, I'd better get off. Back to the rope factory. I'll just take these.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12My flowers? I'll see about some water. I'll get a jug.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17It's nothing I've said? No, you're quite right. I'll see you.
0:21:20 > 0:21:26I'll let your wife come in, although it's not visiting hours. Thanks.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31I'm sorry about all this. But don't worry - I'll get to the bottom of it.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Or the foot of it! What?
0:21:34 > 0:21:40Very funny(!) It's good to see you can smile in the face of adversity.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I've got to. What a week! I just hope I'm not in here for ever.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You know how hospitals are. Pardon?
0:21:47 > 0:21:52No, I meant you'll need the bed won't you, for the less lucky?
0:21:52 > 0:22:01Bob! Bob! Don't worry, dear, it s not half as bad as it looks. Just as long as he keeps it perfectly still.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04What on earth's happened, pet?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Thelma, you're not going to believe this.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11There was a masked maniac.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Oh, what are you wanting, Florence? Er...nothing.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Get those for Sister Kennedy, did you? Why?
0:22:25 > 0:22:33She's been conducting enquiries. Eh? Don't worry, we didn't say nowt. Cheers. Where's your coat? What
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Get it, go to the kitchens and take the teas round.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Oh, right, I'll...er...just put these in water.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Skilled man, huh!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Terry came in. You've just missed him.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54I thought you'd had words. He came in to make up. He brought flowers.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Did he? That was kind. What a nice gesture.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Well, where are they?
0:23:00 > 0:23:05He took them away again. Had more words, did you?
0:23:05 > 0:23:10No, he went to find a vase and water. We had this row.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14You know how difficult it is to give him advice.
0:23:14 > 0:23:21But I think he took it all in. I think he'll knuckle under. What a blessing that would be.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Ooh! What's the matter, pet?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28It's this leg, love. I wish they'd lower it. Oh.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh...excuse me!
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Hang on, it's him, that's the masked maniac!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Sshh, silly. They all dress like that in hospitals.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Er...excuse me, could you spare a moment?
0:23:55 > 0:24:01My husband's in some discomfort I think it's just a question of lowering it a fraction.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Just a fraction.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14BLOODY HELL! BLOODY HELL!
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Hello. Thelma asked me to bring this up for you. Thanks.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I'd have come earlier, but I've been at work. You?
0:24:33 > 0:24:38A temporary job. Where? Oh, this place. What place?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Nowhere. I've left now - I upset people. But how are you?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I'm still in pain, Terry, I am
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Well, Thelma said you're all right. How does she know?
0:24:50 > 0:24:56If it was serious, you'd still be in hospital. I discharged myself.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01Did you? Yes. If I'd stayed in, I might never have walked again
0:25:01 > 0:25:07I thought you got better in hospital, not worse. I met this old lady.
0:25:07 > 0:25:13She was 68 and had all her own teeth. I bet by now, she hasn't a tooth in her head.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17As long as there's nothing seriously wrong.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20You don't know what I've been through the last few days
0:25:20 > 0:25:27Somebody up there hates me. God, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to punish me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:33He sent a masked emissary to taunt me. I don't know why. I'm decent enough.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37I pay my rates. And my parking tickets.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41You're giving yourself a complex. Yes, maybe.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Seeing masked men! Was it the Lone Ranger? He was real.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50You've been overdoing it, mate. You've been working too hard.
0:25:50 > 0:25:57I was reading somewhere, in this country, 10% of people have a mental disorder.
0:25:57 > 0:26:05Fantastic when you think about it. Take a football team, even Leeds. On average, one of them is barmy.
0:26:05 > 0:26:13I can believe that. Of course, it varies. Take that Italian team, Lazio. They're all raving lunatics.
0:26:13 > 0:26:20Yes, Terry, I could be losing my mind. Peace and quiet you need, Bob. I advise complete rest.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Lend us some money. Why? It's Dicko's going-away party.
0:26:25 > 0:26:31Oh, I was going to that. Peace and rest, Bob. You've been overdoing it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Something we can't accuse you of.
0:26:34 > 0:26:41Ah, but I'll not be the one in ten that goes round the twist. Masked emissaries - dear me!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01NRRGGHHH! ARGGHHH! THELMA!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Intelfax Subtitles for BBC Subtitling