0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09MUSIC: Gloria by Laura Branigan
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Gloria
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# You're always on the run now
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Running after somebody
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# You gotta get him somehow
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# I think you've got to slow down
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Before you start to blow it
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# I think you're headed for a breakdown
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# So be careful not to show it
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# You really don't remember?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# Was it something that he said?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# All the voices in your head
0:01:00 > 0:01:05# Calling Gloria
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Gloria... # All right, Vincent?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Never fucking better, Pete.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# Don't you think you're fallin'?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- # If everybody wants you... # - He knows.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# Why isn't anybody callin'?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# You don't have to answer
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# Leave 'em hangin' on the line... #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Excluding the literal sense,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28there are three types of wanker in this world.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30# Gloria... #
0:01:30 > 0:01:33There's the ones you pity, the sad, boring type of wanker
0:01:33 > 0:01:35who life always seems to enjoy torturing.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Not me.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37# Gloria... #
0:01:37 > 0:01:38HE BEEPS HORN
0:01:38 > 0:01:39See you later, Pete!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Then there's the irritating types of wanker,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45the ones whose only job in life is to stop the rest of us
0:01:45 > 0:01:46enjoying our three score years and ten.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Again, not me.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Excuse me, you can't park there, mate.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Finally, you have the show-offs.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59The posers.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00The "I'm better than you,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"fuck everything and everyone twice," type of wankers.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I prefer the term "ambitious", but whatever the label,
0:02:06 > 0:02:07we're the ones you'd better keep your eyes on.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15# Gloria... #
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Good morning, arseholes!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21# Gloria! #
0:02:25 > 0:02:27'Full disclosure.'
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You're looking at a room of double-glazing salesmen.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32As this is 1983, we're not quite the social pariahs you lot
0:02:32 > 0:02:34probably know and loathe, but give us time.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37This is the Monday morning sales meeting,
0:02:37 > 0:02:38where the team hand in their weekly orders.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41In theory, a small matter of financial housekeeping.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43In reality,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46a dick-swinging contest extraordinaire.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Right, Fitzpatrick, what you got for me?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, fuck off, I went first last week.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Come on, it's Lavatory's turn.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Don't call me that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54All right, calm down, Lavatory, it's only a nickname.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56No, a nickname is an affectionate term between mates.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I think you're a massive prick,
0:02:58 > 0:02:59ergo not a nickname.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yeah, well, I'll show you a massive prick.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05'This reprobate is Brian Fitzpatrick.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07'In life, deeply unlikeable, smarmy and charmless.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09'But give him something to sell,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10'and somehow, he becomes transformed.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Strong?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13President Reagan has a fallout shelter
0:03:13 > 0:03:15made entirely of our windows.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Now, the science tells us these uPVC window frames will be around
0:03:19 > 0:03:21long after the human race is extinct.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24'Also, the proud owner of a massive penis
0:03:24 > 0:03:26'which he loves to unfurl at any given opportunity.'
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And that's fine, is it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30'And this lovely man is Martin Lavender.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32'Honest, decent and well educated.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34'All qualities which, in our line of work,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36'are about as much use as an aerated condom.'
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Hello, I'm Martin Lavender from Cachet Windows.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Just eating dinner.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42No, you have your dinner. I'll call back another day.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Thanks, love.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45'Formerly a musician,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48'he quit his struggling band to join my sales team.'
0:03:48 > 0:03:49# Let me guess what's on your mind
0:03:51 > 0:03:54# That's all right cos it's on mine... #
0:03:54 > 0:03:57'Unfortunately, three months later, his now ex-band landed the
0:03:57 > 0:04:00'biggest number one single of the year with Wherever I Lay My Hat.'
0:04:00 > 0:04:03# Wherever I lay my hat
0:04:03 > 0:04:07# That's my home... #
0:04:07 > 0:04:09'Naturally, we rallied around
0:04:09 > 0:04:11to help him through this difficult period.'
0:04:11 > 0:04:12MUSIC CONTINUES
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Hey!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Unlucky, mate, could've been you!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Right, come on, look, I want to see some orders.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Don't be shy, Lavender.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Yeah, his mother wasn't.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Four.- Bollocks!
0:04:28 > 0:04:304,000. That's got to be a personal best for you, innit?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Could've been seven if this snake hadn't undercut me on Warren Close.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34You're having a laugh.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36There's nothing wrong with my prices, it's just you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You couldn't sell ice to a bloody Eskimo.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41But Eskimos don't need ice. Why would I sell it to them?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Well, you know, cos of the saying,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"He could sell ice to the Eskimos."
0:04:45 > 0:04:46You're the fucking opposite, ain't ya?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Yeah, that's not how opposites work.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I get a lot of this.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53All right, then, you couldn't sell food to a starving Ethiopian
0:04:53 > 0:04:56with flies round his eyes and pot belly...shit up his legs.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'd just give him some food.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59I'm not a monster.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Which is why I will always outsell you in any sales environment.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05So you reckon you could sell ice to the Eskimos?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Not only sell it to them.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08By the time I'd left their little igloo,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11they'd be asking me to be godfather to their adorable slanty-eyed kids.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Tell me, is it only lazy cultural stereotypes you sell to,
0:05:14 > 0:05:15or real people, too?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Well, unlike Professor No Nuts over there,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I could sell anything to anyone.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22So, taking the ice and Eskimos analogy, you reckon you could
0:05:22 > 0:05:25sell new windows to someone you've recently sold new windows to?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Yes.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I've got a ton says you can't.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29You had a ton.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You might as well hand over those notes now, Lavatory.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Right, if you bucks are done rutting,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I want to see some orders. Brian?
0:05:38 > 0:05:3913 five.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- HE WHISTLES - Impressive.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Who'd have thought a weaselly fucker with terrible BO like you
0:05:44 > 0:05:46could charm the life savings out of anyone?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Huh.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, here's mine.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Just the 17K.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Which makes me employee of the fucking century.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57But don't feel too bad about it, boys,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58it's still a record week.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And to celebrate, I've lined up a special treat for us all
0:06:00 > 0:06:02on Saturday night.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Now, let's get out there.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06These windows aren't going to sell them-fucking-selves.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Morning, Vincent. - Morning, Carol.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Can you dig out the address for the Solomon house?
0:06:13 > 0:06:14I've got time to pop by later...
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Guess who...?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18The last time I saw these beautiful fingers,
0:06:18 > 0:06:19they were wrapped around my...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- ..has got the kids with them. - ..my neck.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23They were wrapped around my neck.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25My fault for farting in bed, eh, Sam?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26That's not what you were going to say.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- What was he going to say?- Nothing.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Go and play outside.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Go on, I want a word with your dad.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Hello, baby.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Oh, I know.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Incredible, isn't she?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What's up?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I thought Cachet's number one salesman might like some lunch.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43It's only cheese,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46but I swiped a Penguin from Robbie's school dinner tin as a little treat.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I do not deserve an angel like you in my life.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49I know.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51So what time you home tonight? I'm doing a curry.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Can't do tonight. I've got house calls to make.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55You are joking? This is the third night this week.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Sam, honey. The best time to close a deal
0:06:57 > 0:06:59is when the husband and wife are both there.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Evenings, weekends, these are the golden hours.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And when do you plan fitting us into your hectic schedule, then?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Christmas? Bank holidays?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I'm trying to build something for us here.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12In a few months, I'll ease off, but not right now.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'll make it up to you, gorgeous. I promise.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You realise there is no part of this I cannot see?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What are you doing?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Don't worry. I'm obviously not wanted here.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Sam. Come back. Sam, come back...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Ignore her, she's mental!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Thanks for rescuing me, Carol," might be nice.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32'Meanwhile, it hadn't taken Fitzpatrick long
0:07:32 > 0:07:35'to find a 73-year-old Eskimo to sell ice to.'
0:07:35 > 0:07:38But you only put these windows in three weeks ago.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I know, Mrs Brown. I'm embarrassed to be here.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45But it's only just come to light that there is a major design flaw
0:07:45 > 0:07:47in the plastic frames of those windows
0:07:47 > 0:07:48that no-one could have foreseen.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- The white bits? - Yeah, the white bits.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52See, they're made from a plastic compound
0:07:52 > 0:07:55called unplasticised polyvinyl chloride,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57or uPVC for short.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01We've only just discovered that when exposed to sunlight,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04that type of plastic might explode.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Oh, no.- Oh, no, indeed.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08But it's not all bad news.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Have you heard of Nasa?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11The space people?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12They're the ones.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Now, as part of the space shuttle programme,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18they've developed a far superior plastic compound,
0:08:18 > 0:08:19one that won't kill you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Does it have a name?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yep, it's called...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25PVCu.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29So, what I would like to do is exchange these dangerous
0:08:29 > 0:08:34uPVC windows for nice, new, safe PVCu ones, free of charge,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36apart from installation costs.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Oh, I don't know.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I should probably ask my son about that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Is your son Neil Armstrong?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44No.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Then I don't think he's qualified to help us.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51MUSIC: I've Seen That Face Before (Libertango) by Grace Jones
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Read it and weep.- Ugh.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56The whole house?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57How have you done that?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You know. Sales acumen, charm.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, no, wait. You don't know, do you?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Now, come on, you owe me a ton.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Yeah, hold on, you've only charged her 100 quid for fitting.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Have you given her a house full of free windows just to win a bet?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Lavatory. The word "free" is not in my vocabulary.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Just like the phrase "I've had a number one hit" is not in yours.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18No, I've got a fitter coming tomorrow to rip out those windows
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and pop the very same ones straight back in again.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22The old bag'll never know.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So not only have I sold ice to the Eskimos,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I've sold them their own fucking ice.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I'm a genius! Come on, pay up.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# Strange, I've seen that face before... #
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Oh, yes, there we go. Oh, nom, nom, nom!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Unlike Fitzpatrick, I don't need to use the dark arts to close a deal.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40# Seen him hanging round my door. #
0:09:40 > 0:09:41HE RINGS DOORBELL
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Good morning, Mr Solomon. Vincent from Cachet Windows,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46we spoke on the phone earlier.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Ah, Mr Vincent, yes.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Look, I'm so sorry,
0:09:49 > 0:09:50but we're about to sit down for prayer.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Maybe you can leave some brochures
0:09:52 > 0:09:54and we can phone you about prices tomorrow?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Want to know the percentage of people who sleep on it and call you back?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58A big fat fucking zero.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00This may sound odd, but may I join?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's been a spiritually exhausting last few days for me.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Er... We'd be delighted. Come in.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08One more thing - salesmen are like vampires.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Never invite one into your home.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Once you do, we won't leave your side until we taste blood.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Not even for a piss.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14- Thank you!- No problem!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18The peace of God...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20'Using the homeowner's loo is a cardinal sin,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21'no matter how desperate you are.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23'The second you leave those poor bastards alone,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'they'll try to conspire a way to get you out of their house.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28'You need to get the kids to bed? That's OK.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30'I'll give you a hand with bath time.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31'Your husband is having a heart attack?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33'Let me run you both down to A&E,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34'you lying shitbags.'
0:10:35 > 0:10:38These God-fearing fuckers have been praying for almost two hours.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And it's not just world peace shit, either.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Lord, please use thy divine power
0:10:42 > 0:10:47to find a good cash buyer for Brian and Kellie's car.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Dear merciful Lord, please do what you can
0:10:50 > 0:10:53to get a better reception for Aggy's TV.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Dear Lord, please give me the strength not to piss my pants
0:10:56 > 0:10:58in front of these time-wasting sons of bitches.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Eventually, my bladder's prayers were answered
0:11:00 > 0:11:03and Mr Solomon signed for a full house of windows.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It's safe to say I eat, sleep, breathe, shit and piss...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- HE GROANS - ..sales.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14But like Einstein, my true genius wasn't spotted until later in life.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15# Hit me with your rhythm stick
0:11:15 > 0:11:17# Hit me, hit me... #
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So, after spending a couple of grand
0:11:18 > 0:11:22having this fucking mutt's back legs amputated and wheels put on it,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25he takes it out for its first walk, and the fucking dog panics,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28and rolls straight under a bus.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Poor bastard is devastated.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I told him, "Look on the bright side.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"At least now, you've got a £2,000 rug."
0:11:34 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:37PHONE RINGS
0:11:43 > 0:11:45# Hit me, hit me... #
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Yeah, this is him.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Fuck.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00'Now, that was a call informing me that while I'd been otherwise engaged,
0:12:00 > 0:12:01'a supertanker on the Thames estuary
0:12:01 > 0:12:04'had been accidently loaded with contaminated crude oil.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06'Unfortunately, the constant monitoring required
0:12:06 > 0:12:08'to prevent such million-pound fuck-ups
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'was my one and only job.'
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Upon careful reflection,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16you are to be relieved of all duties with immediate effect.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Do you have anything to say for the record, Mr Swan?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19This is fucking ridiculous...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Maybe we should take a break.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Listen, I've spoken to the boys.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29They're ready to walk out for you on this one, Vince.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I appreciate the support of the union on this, Terry.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35But I'm jacking it in.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I fucking hate this job anyway.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39How else are you going to provide for Sam and the kids? Hm?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I'll figure something out.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Oi, you two, the charisma twins.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Upon careful reflection,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I've decided you can stick your job up your arses.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Here's my notice of resignation.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55MUSIC: Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band
0:12:58 > 0:13:01'I couldn't face going home to tell Sam I'd lost my job.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03'I said I'd figure something out,
0:13:03 > 0:13:04'and that's what I intended to do...
0:13:04 > 0:13:07'right after I got absolutely rat-arsed.'
0:13:09 > 0:13:10# I heat up
0:13:10 > 0:13:12# I can't cool down. #
0:13:12 > 0:13:13HE RETCHES
0:13:13 > 0:13:14'I never was a whisky drinker.'
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Fuck me. Vincent Swan.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Dicky Cox?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Dicky Dipshit, I think you used to call me at school.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Cox by name, cock by nature.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Yeah, that was another one.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You all right, Vince? You look like shit.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33No. No, I'm not all right, Dicky.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I got sacked this morning,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38and now I'm crying next to a urinal full of my own puke,
0:13:38 > 0:13:39talking to you.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43No offence, but I think I just hit rock-bottom.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44DICKY LAUGHS
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I mean, it's funny how life turns out, innit?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Who'd have put money on me being the bloody successful one
0:13:50 > 0:13:53and you, Vincent Swan, being such a fucking loser?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55DICKY LAUGHS
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Cheers for the pep talk, Coxy(!)
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Vincent, what would you say
0:14:00 > 0:14:03if I told you I earned four times as much as your monthly wage
0:14:03 > 0:14:05in the last week?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'd say, "Unless the demand for creepy-looking gigolos
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"has gone through the roof, that's bollocks."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Yeah, funny.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Here.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Have a chuckle at that.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Plus, I've got something else that could interest you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26What I've got in here might just change your life.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29HE SNIFFS
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I'm not a complete fucking yokel, I've done coke before.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35DICKY SNORTS
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I'm not talking about the drugs.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41VINCENT SNORTS
0:14:44 > 0:14:45What, a lump of fucking plastic?
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Is it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Or is it white gold?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52HE SNIFFS
0:14:54 > 0:14:56No, it's definitely a lump of plastic.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58To the uninitiated.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01But you add some know-how and some bullshit, and this lump
0:15:01 > 0:15:06of fucking plastic turns into something far more eye-catching.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09'Coxy laid out the double-glazing business for me.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11'Since Thatcher handed us the right to buy your council house,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13'the world and his wife were madly renovating
0:15:13 > 0:15:15'their newly owned dream homes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18'White gold was just plastic, a cheap alternative to timber,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21'but it brought the cost of making brand-new windows down to peanuts.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24'Coxy would then sell them on with a 600% mark-up.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26'For those that couldn't afford the astronomical prices,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28'he'd sell them finance.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29'That way, they could pay back
0:15:29 > 0:15:31'what they thought they could afford each month...
0:15:31 > 0:15:32'for the rest of their natural lives.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35'Eventually, those shiny new windows would cost more
0:15:35 > 0:15:37'than their dreary former council houses.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39'It was beautiful.'
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I want this.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41You can have it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42No, not this!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I mean, meeting you. Losing my job.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Everything.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48It's happened for a reason.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You ain't going to cry again, are you?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You always were a fucking dipshit.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55DICKY LAUGHS
0:15:55 > 0:15:57MUSIC: Out Of Touch by Hall and Oates
0:15:59 > 0:16:01'My fate was sealed the very next day.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03'I'm not a big believer in kismet, but you'd have to be blind,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06'deaf and dumb as shit not to hear destiny calling me.'
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Sorry to interrupt.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Oh, it's an elephant.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26It's not male genitalia.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'm looking for the owner.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Oh, sorry, I'm new here.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Right. Is the owner around?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Like I said, I'm new, so I literally can't help you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Fuck me, Carol. You're a receptionist.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Just take some details, will you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Well, it doesn't hurt to be careful, Tony.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42He just wandered in off the street.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44This is a fucking showroom!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46We want people to wander in off the street.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Hello, sir. I take it this is your business?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You've got two minutes, pal.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51For what?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54To sell me whatever the fuck it is you're selling, then fuck off.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57'Meet Tony Walsh, the world's angriest small business owner.'
0:16:57 > 0:16:59No, I don't want to sell TO you, I want to sell FOR you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00My name's Vincent.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I don't care if it's Barbra Streisand.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03I've already got a sales team.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Well, that was succinct.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Now we've got 90 seconds to fill with small talk.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Or you could just fuck off early.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Right. And where's the fun in that?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You see that couple? They walked into your showroom four minutes ago.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14In another 45 seconds, they're going to walk out,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16along with thousands in lost revenue.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I've got 20 quid that says Tweedledum and Tweedledee over there
0:17:19 > 0:17:21will still be scratching their arses when they walk out.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Huh?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24All right, pal.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Here's a price list.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You sign them up, I'll give you a two-week trial.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I hear congratulations are in order!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Erm, sorry?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38The centennial customer award? Oh, wait, no-one told you?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39As our hundredth customer today,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42you've won the opportunity to turn your house into a show-home
0:17:42 > 0:17:44for the Cachet range of windows and doors.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46My name's Vincent, nice to meet you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Hi, I'm Mark. This is my wife, Lorna.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Hello. Wow, we've never won anything before.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Well, I guess some people are born lucky,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55and the rest of us just have to make do with good looks and charm, eh?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59So, tell me, Mark, Lorna, why are you looking for new windows?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02'Ten minutes of bullshit later, and I was ready to seal the deal.'
0:18:02 > 0:18:05All of our products come with safety glass fitted as standard.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Now, I'd imagine those little boys of yours
0:18:07 > 0:18:09are always keeping you on your toes, right, Lorna?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Always darting about?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Now, imagine them running full pelt into a plate glass window.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16THEY SHRIEK
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It turned out that not ALL of our products
0:18:18 > 0:18:20came with safety glass fitted as standard.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's probably, er, hard, at this point, not to picture
0:18:23 > 0:18:25your precious offspring lying in a pool of their own blood.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29But hold on to that thought, because this, Lorna - pardon my French -
0:18:29 > 0:18:31this DISGRACEFUL piece of shit
0:18:31 > 0:18:35is a well-known national company's patio door.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I can't say who. - WHISPERS:- Everest.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Christ, it makes me angry.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Can't anyone ever think of the children?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, thankfully, here at Cachet, we do.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46MUSIC: Steppin' Out by Joe Jackson
0:18:46 > 0:18:48'Maybe it was the adrenaline in everybody's systems,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50'but by the time I'd finished with them,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52'they'd signed for five grand's worth of windows.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55'The second I left the showroom, Walshy called his wife.'
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I think I've just met the man who's going to make us our first million.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00'He was so impressed, he didn't offer me a trial,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03'he put me in charge of his entire sales team.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04'Who I promptly sacked.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07'Tweedledee and Tweedledum went out the door,
0:19:07 > 0:19:08'and in came Tweedle Dumb and Dumber.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12'And after Fitzpatrick and Lavender graduated from the
0:19:12 > 0:19:15'Vincent Swan School of Sales, my team was complete.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'Once Walsh's tasteless decor had been replaced
0:19:18 > 0:19:21'for something more befitting of a classy operation like ours,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23'Cachet Windows was reborn.'
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Right!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30First and only rule - we don't rip off anyone in our town.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32These are our neighbours, our friends.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35We always sell our windows at one price -
0:19:35 > 0:19:36a fair price.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Sometimes over, sometimes under, but always at one price.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Sorry, so who pays more?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Dickheads. The terminally stupid.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44And less?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Well, no-one, if we can help it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47So it's not really one price for all, is it?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48No.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50But it sounds good, don't it?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And that pretty much brings us up to speed.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56HE RINGS DOORBELL
0:19:56 > 0:19:59'Want to know the greatest thing about winning at life?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01'It's that you get to give a little something back.'
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Hello, Vince.- Terry. How's tricks?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Yeah, good, you coming in?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Look, I really appreciate the offer, mate, but...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Double-glazing salesman?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I mean, no offence, but it's not really me, is it?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Why not?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I know the refinery's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's steady,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18the pension's good, it's practically impossible to get sacked.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Yeah, maybe for mere mortals.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Hello, stranger.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Evening, Gillian.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25At last, the brains of the house have arrived.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26I'd better run, I'm on nights.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29You'll have to bring the family over for a barbecue soon, Vince.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Yeah, they'd love that, mate.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Bye, love.- Ta, darling.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Try not to masturbate through your entire shift.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Someone's got to sit in that chair after you.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You're not running out on me too, are you, Vincent?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41It's been ages since we've had a little gossip.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Would I ever? Stick the kettle on.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So, er, Terry said you're a salesman now.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Yeah, I finally found a job where being
0:20:51 > 0:20:54a self-aggrandising ponce is considered a plus.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55So, what is it you sell?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Double glazing.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Fancy. I quite like them patio doors.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I bet they're expensive, though.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You'd be surprised, Gillian.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I know this looks bad, but those patio doors
0:21:09 > 0:21:11are going to completely revolutionise the flow
0:21:11 > 0:21:13from their downstairs to their garden.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15What? This is what I do.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Cachet Windows and Doors.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's Brendan for you.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Just tell him I've nipped out.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Hang on a minute, he's just here, Brendan.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Hello, Brendan.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Yeah... But they're the same fucking ones...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47No. Look, I'm coming over.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I told you to tell him I'd nipped out.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I don't know what that means.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Is it an Essex thing?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oi. What the hell's this, Vincent?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I'm about 90% sure that's an order for patio doors, Terry.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Am I right? Do you want to talk about this out back?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Do excuse me for a moment. - No, I'm not stopping.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I just came to tell you we don't want your shitty windows.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Well, maybe you should talk to your wife once in a while,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17because she seemed positively thrilled by the idea.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And they're precision engineered, not shitty.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Now if that's all, I'm busy with customers.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24No, no, don't you try and worm your way out of it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25You took advantage of Gill.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I don't know if you've realised, mate, but Gill's a grown woman now,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30with tits and everything.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And this, this is a contract. It's legally binding.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So I suggest you go home and take it up...
0:22:35 > 0:22:41Now you stay away from me, my wife and my windows, you utter scumbag.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Fuck.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Sorry.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Sometimes working here is like being in a really shit version of Dallas.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Vincent, look he's not here.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00He's on a shift.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Yeah, I know. Look, I came to say sorry.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'm not going to make you honour the contract.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10We all right?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Good, because while I've been standing here freezing my nuts off,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I couldn't help thinking this conversation would have been
0:23:18 > 0:23:21much more comfortable in a beautiful double-glazed porch.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25You always did know how to make me laugh, Vincent Swan.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Interesting place for a personalised number plate.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I quite like it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Fancy a spin?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Ooh, yeah. I've never been in a wanker-mobile before.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I'll get me coat.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Like I told you, page one of the training manual.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Never leave the house without closing the deal.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Good times
0:23:55 > 0:23:59# These are the good times
0:24:01 > 0:24:03# Leave your cares behind. #
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Hmm, yes, it's tricky to see the difference myself.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11What exactly is it you don't like, Mrs Brown?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13They remind me of death.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I want my old new windows back.
0:24:16 > 0:24:22Right, well, I could get Brendan to re-fit the old ones,
0:24:22 > 0:24:27but, I mean, then you'll be paying to replace these with an identical
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and frankly inferior product.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I'm going to call my son, you can talk to him about it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34No, no, no, don't do that, Mrs Brown.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I tell you what, I'll get Brendan to replace the windows for free.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'm sure he won't mind.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42You're a lovely young man, Brian.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Yes, he will fucking mind. I've got another job on.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Look, how do I get this through that thick Paddy skull of yours?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You're not going to get paid for this job unless that senile bitch is happy.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00So whoever's driveway you've got to tarmac can fucking wait. Comprende?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You listen to me, you ferrety-looking cunt.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You speak to me like that again,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I'll refit your disgusting yellow teeth. Comprende?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yes, completely comprende.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Can you please refit the windows, Brendan?
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Please?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Yes, I will, Brian.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20And seeing as you asked me so nicely
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I'm only going to charge you double time for today.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Oh, you're fucking joking... Yeah. No.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Double bubble. Excellent.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Looks like the Eskimos aren't that keen on your ice after all.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Fuck off.- Oh, come on, be nice.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Where's that famous charm gone? My winnings, please.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Here, have your money back.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And another hundred, seeing as how you lost the bet.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You can swivel, mate.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I'm already paying double time to the IRAnus over there.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Does he know you call him that? 'Ere, Brendan, have you...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Yeah, all right, all right. Here you go.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Dickhead.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Daddy!
0:26:05 > 0:26:06I come in peace.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Oh, someone's seen fit to grace us with their presence.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Someone also wants to say sorry for not being around lately.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13How are my cheeky little monkeys?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Vincent, you do know I'm 14 years old.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Well, that's handy, because in here I have
0:26:17 > 0:26:21an age-14-sized Sergio Tacchini tracksuit top.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24No way. It's not snide gear either.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Dad, you're the best.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Vincent, that cost a fortune.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30No, my love, this cost a fortune.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Ta-da.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Are you fucking kidding me? Is that real mink?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Unless Liberty's have started skinning cats, it is real.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- Look at you.- Oh, it's gorgeous.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Don't worry, Robbie. I haven't forgotten about you, mate.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Millennium Falcon! Are you fucking kidding me?!
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Robbie!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50That's your fault, that is.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51What's all this in aid of?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I told you. We're in this together.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It's time for us to start enjoying ourselves.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Thank you, Vincent.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Despite what I tell everyone I meet about you,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02you're actually a lovely man.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Now, why don't we get the kids off to bed
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and maybe we can get an early night ourselves?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Oh, God. I know what that means.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Come here.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- The kids.- You're going to have to keep that warm for me.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Let me get them off to bed.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29No, I got to go out tonight.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- What!- I told you, Saturday night, prime time for sales.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35You've got to be kidding me.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Those dead minks don't pay for themselves. I love you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41You wanker!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Never let it be said that I wasn't a generous man.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Especially when it came to spending Walshy's money.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It was time to give the boys their Saturday night treat.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53You know what makes us different to the rest of the plebs in this town?
0:27:53 > 0:27:59It's simply this - we will not take no for an answer.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Every time we knock on a door and some knob tells us
0:28:03 > 0:28:07he doesn't need new windows, we're going to sell that prick
0:28:07 > 0:28:10more windows than he's got holes in his fucking walls for.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Fucking right.- Hear, hear.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17So enjoy the feast and thank you for a record week.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Cheers, arseholes.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Cheers, boss.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Vincent. Listen, let's hit a club later, yeah?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24We can't sit around here all night
0:28:24 > 0:28:26with just Brian's monster knob for company.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31You might want to wait and see what's for dessert first.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33HE WHISTLES
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Oh, bloody hell.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Oh, my God.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Blimey.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I fucking love this job.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I've been terribly good this month, yeah.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Pull the blinds, Brian.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Billy left his home with a dollar in his pocket
0:28:59 > 0:29:01# And a head full of dreams
0:29:01 > 0:29:06# He said somehow, some way, it's gotta get better than this
0:29:07 > 0:29:10# Patti packed her bags, left a note for her momma
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# She was just 17
0:29:12 > 0:29:13# There were tears in her eyes
0:29:13 > 0:29:17# When she kissed her little sister goodbye
0:29:18 > 0:29:22# Young hearts be free tonight... #