Sexy Rollercoaster

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0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

0:00:06 > 0:00:08Having a company car is a basic human right.

0:00:08 > 0:00:09Stop being an arse, Vincent.

0:00:09 > 0:00:12No double glazing salesman has ever had a company car.

0:00:12 > 0:00:15Which is exactly why I think I deserve one.

0:00:15 > 0:00:17You are delusional, mate. You're having a tin bath!

0:00:17 > 0:00:19Not by my lights. Do you know how much business I've brought in

0:00:19 > 0:00:22these past three months? You know, the problem with you is

0:00:22 > 0:00:23you've formed your own fan club.

0:00:23 > 0:00:27The Vincent Swan fan club. Membership one - Vincent Swan.

0:00:27 > 0:00:31You. Were you up all night working on that line, you smart arse prick?

0:00:31 > 0:00:33284 grand is the answer.

0:00:33 > 0:00:37You aren't getting a fucking company car! End of!

0:00:37 > 0:00:40Well, you've left me with no other choice than to resign, Walshy.

0:00:40 > 0:00:42You think I'm bothered? Resign then.

0:00:42 > 0:00:45I'll have 50 mugs lined up to do your job by lunchtime.

0:00:45 > 0:00:48Good luck with that. You'd better hire them all to replace

0:00:48 > 0:00:50the money I bring in, you short-sighted wanker.

0:00:55 > 0:00:59Every man has his line in the sand and that prick Walshy just

0:00:59 > 0:01:01took a piss all over mine.

0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's always been a dream of mine to have a company car.

0:01:07 > 0:01:09Ever since yesterday lunchtime.

0:01:21 > 0:01:24I go round the back, knock on his dressing room and say, "Listen..."

0:01:24 > 0:01:25Who the fuck are these clowns?

0:01:25 > 0:01:28"..you've got no face, and you've got fucking bollocks for hands.

0:01:28 > 0:01:29"Other than that you do pretty well."

0:01:29 > 0:01:31HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

0:01:31 > 0:01:33VINCENT CLEARS THROAT My dearest Suzanne.

0:01:33 > 0:01:35While I accept you have to serve other men,

0:01:35 > 0:01:37you could at least try and pretend you're not enjoying it.

0:01:37 > 0:01:41Martin, this is Vincent Swan, local wind-up merchant.

0:01:41 > 0:01:43Runs Cachet Windows in the high street.

0:01:43 > 0:01:45Likes to pretend he runs this place as well.

0:01:45 > 0:01:47How are you doing, mate?

0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah good, mate. Good.

0:01:49 > 0:01:51Martin works in magazine publishing. Very glamorous, eh?

0:01:51 > 0:01:54I hope they're not porn mags, Martin. Ha, no.

0:01:54 > 0:01:57You'd be hard pushed to knock one out over one of our magazines.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00They're trade publications.

0:02:00 > 0:02:01You know, Ventilation Units Weekly,

0:02:01 > 0:02:04Roofing Supply Monthly, that sort of thing.

0:02:04 > 0:02:07Fuck me, they sound about as boring as that suit you're wearing.

0:02:07 > 0:02:09There's no need for that. It's just a joke.

0:02:09 > 0:02:11I'll tell you what's not boring, my old son.

0:02:11 > 0:02:14The amount of money we're making selling advertising space.

0:02:14 > 0:02:17Now, what are you boys drinking? Nah, let me get these.

0:02:17 > 0:02:19Absolutely not. I insist. We're already running a tab.

0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'll just claim it back on the old expenses. What's your poison?

0:02:22 > 0:02:24I'm not fussed. Whatever you're having.

0:02:24 > 0:02:26Lovely lager. Same for you, boyses? Cheers.

0:02:26 > 0:02:28You get an expense account?

0:02:28 > 0:02:31We spend half our lives on the road, wining and dining clients,

0:02:31 > 0:02:33so the old company car and expense account comes in handy.

0:02:33 > 0:02:35Although it's not always easy getting a receipt

0:02:35 > 0:02:37from a knocking shop in Manchester, is it, Mart?

0:02:37 > 0:02:38No, it is not, Philip.

0:02:38 > 0:02:41But it did save me from having to fellate the client myself.

0:02:41 > 0:02:44Here you go, boyses. Winner.

0:02:44 > 0:02:45Winner.

0:02:46 > 0:02:47Winner.

0:02:49 > 0:02:51Nice meeting you, boyses.

0:02:51 > 0:02:53If you ever fancy leaving the lucrative world

0:02:53 > 0:02:56of door to door sales, give us a call.

0:02:56 > 0:02:58We're always on the lookout for new blood at Millman Young.

0:02:58 > 0:03:01Who do we ask for? Yeah, I wasn't talking to you.

0:03:01 > 0:03:04What sort of company car do you get? Ford Granada, XL.

0:03:04 > 0:03:06Oh, right. A cousin of mine used to rep for a stationary firm.

0:03:06 > 0:03:08He got given a Granada, and we're talking

0:03:08 > 0:03:11a couple of years back before they gave them to any old wanker.

0:03:11 > 0:03:13Anyway, the first night he gets his new wheels

0:03:13 > 0:03:15he decides to go for a spot of night fishing.

0:03:15 > 0:03:17Being a cheapskate, he won't shell out on luminous floats,

0:03:17 > 0:03:19so he just drives the car up to the lake,

0:03:19 > 0:03:21beams the headlights onto the water and...

0:03:21 > 0:03:23Right, gentlemen, we should probably be making a move.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25Who's this little prick? Sorry what?

0:03:25 > 0:03:27Vincent, this is Andrew, our sales director.

0:03:27 > 0:03:30Andrew, Vincent Swan, local raconteur.

0:03:30 > 0:03:31Time to get back to the phones, lads.

0:03:31 > 0:03:34Obviously, they didn't teach you manners at whatever school

0:03:34 > 0:03:35you've just bunked off from.

0:03:35 > 0:03:37Do your parents know you're hanging out in pubs?

0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yes, very funny. I'm clearly not a child.

0:03:40 > 0:03:42OK, that's us. Nice meeting you, boyses.

0:03:42 > 0:03:44Hang on, I haven't finished my story.

0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, come on then, let's all hear the end of your story.

0:03:46 > 0:03:50Well, he'd parked the car on a bank with the handbrake off.

0:03:50 > 0:03:51It rolled straight into the lake.

0:03:51 > 0:03:54That sounds very unlikely. Right, are we done?

0:03:56 > 0:03:57Hardly Peter Ustinov, is he?

0:03:57 > 0:04:00Don't expect to see him on Parkinson anytime soon(!)

0:04:00 > 0:04:02THEY LAUGH

0:04:04 > 0:04:09Brash fuckers. "Oh, look at me, I don't own my own car.

0:04:09 > 0:04:14"I drive someone else's car, like a bloody bus driver."

0:04:14 > 0:04:16Why was that little one so grumpy?

0:04:16 > 0:04:18He's one of the Seven Dwarves, isn't he?

0:04:18 > 0:04:21Fitzpatrick was right. They were brash fuckers.

0:04:21 > 0:04:25Which is why I was confident I'd fit right in there.

0:04:25 > 0:04:29Right, no need to panic. Brian, you're temporary showroom manager.

0:04:29 > 0:04:33Yes! I won't let you down, boss. It is an honour.

0:04:33 > 0:04:36You fucking kidding me? It's only temporary.

0:04:36 > 0:04:39But why him? Because he actually sells my bloody windows!

0:04:39 > 0:04:42If you want to be considered for the role then get out there

0:04:42 > 0:04:44and sign me some fucking orders!

0:04:44 > 0:04:48Ouch. Can I just say that firing Vincent was a smart move.

0:04:48 > 0:04:50I don't want to speak ill of the recently departed

0:04:50 > 0:04:52but that man was a liability.

0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'm going to have to ring some serious changes round here

0:04:55 > 0:04:57if we're going to be competitive again.

0:04:57 > 0:05:01Look, until I get the chance to meet some potential new recruits,

0:05:01 > 0:05:04I just need you to steady the ship and not fuck anything up, Brian.

0:05:04 > 0:05:08Understood, boss. Still, in the meantime,

0:05:08 > 0:05:11there's no harm me showing you how we get things done

0:05:11 > 0:05:12the Fitzpatrick way.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15You obviously are aware the name Fitzpatrick is synonymous

0:05:15 > 0:05:16with fucking things up.

0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yeah, well, unless you want it to be "synonymous"

0:05:18 > 0:05:19with getting the sack,

0:05:19 > 0:05:22I suggest you start showing your new boss some respect.

0:05:22 > 0:05:25OK. One, you're not my new boss, you're just a temporary manager.

0:05:25 > 0:05:28Two, respect is earned, mate, not demanded, and three...

0:05:28 > 0:05:31you haven't got the balls to sack me.

0:05:31 > 0:05:35Yeah? Well I'll see your...and I'll raise you.

0:05:35 > 0:05:36Oh, I'm not going to fire you, mate,

0:05:36 > 0:05:38I've got something much, much worse in store for you.

0:05:38 > 0:05:42No, I'm going to be your mentor, I'll be Yoda to your Luke Skywalker.

0:05:42 > 0:05:45I see what's happened here. You've mistaken being a weird,

0:05:45 > 0:05:47ugly fella for being a Jedi Master.

0:05:47 > 0:05:50Are you two fucking imbeciles going to get off your arses and

0:05:50 > 0:05:53sell my bloody windows or do I need to sack you, too?!

0:05:53 > 0:05:56Chop chop, Lavender.

0:05:56 > 0:05:59So, you quit your job, without consulting me,

0:05:59 > 0:06:02because he wouldn't give you a car when we've already got two cars.

0:06:02 > 0:06:04Company car, Sam, we're talking about a company car.

0:06:04 > 0:06:07Stop saying company car like it's a flying fucking carpet.

0:06:07 > 0:06:10It's still a bloody car we don't need.

0:06:10 > 0:06:14Unlike, er, food, clothes, a roof over our heads.

0:06:14 > 0:06:15Will you just calm down?

0:06:15 > 0:06:17This isn't like when I resigned from the refinery.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20You were sacked from the bloody refinery! You didn't resign!

0:06:20 > 0:06:23Potato, pot-ato. Walked, sacked, it's all the same.

0:06:23 > 0:06:24It's not the same.

0:06:24 > 0:06:27The important thing is here I've been offered a better job.

0:06:27 > 0:06:30One with a company car.

0:06:30 > 0:06:33If you say company car one more time I'm divorcing you.

0:06:33 > 0:06:35What's the better job? Ah.

0:06:35 > 0:06:37See, this is what I've been trying to tell you.

0:06:37 > 0:06:39I'm moving on from double glazing.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42Into publishing, selling advertising space in magazines.

0:06:42 > 0:06:45No more slumming it for me as a door to door salesman.

0:06:45 > 0:06:47And when were you planning on telling me about this new job,

0:06:47 > 0:06:49then, Mr Advertising Executive?

0:06:49 > 0:06:52Right after they offer it to me. The interview's tomorrow.

0:06:52 > 0:06:55So, when you say you've got a new job what you actually mean

0:06:55 > 0:06:58is you haven't got a job? Potato, pot-ato.

0:06:58 > 0:07:00That's it, run away you spineless arsehole.

0:07:00 > 0:07:03Sam wasn't quite grasping the difference between a car and

0:07:03 > 0:07:07a company car but I felt like now wasn't the time to enlighten her.

0:07:07 > 0:07:11From sales performance to leadership qualities,

0:07:11 > 0:07:16Vincent Swan is the single best employee I've ever had

0:07:16 > 0:07:19the pleasure of working alongside.

0:07:19 > 0:07:21Our terrible loss

0:07:21 > 0:07:27will be his new employer's most fortuitous gain.

0:07:27 > 0:07:31Ah, that's sweet. Shall I finish it "Love, Walshy?"

0:07:31 > 0:07:34No, "Yours sincerely, Mr Tony Walsh" will do.

0:07:34 > 0:07:35LAVENDER AND FITZPATRICK ENTER

0:07:35 > 0:07:38He fainted instantly... What the fuck are you doing here?

0:07:38 > 0:07:40Lovely to see you, too, Brian.

0:07:40 > 0:07:42If you've come to beg Walshy for your job back, you're too late.

0:07:42 > 0:07:44There's a new sheriff in town.

0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yeah, I'd heard shit for brains had finally employed

0:07:46 > 0:07:50a cowboy to run this place. Very funny. I've got one for you.

0:07:50 > 0:07:52Knock knock. Who's there?

0:07:52 > 0:07:54Vincent. Vincent who?

0:07:54 > 0:07:56Exactly. Vincent Who.

0:07:56 > 0:07:59That's what people will say when I turn this business

0:07:59 > 0:08:00into a mega success story.

0:08:00 > 0:08:03So? I don't give a shit, mate, I've moved on.

0:08:03 > 0:08:06Got myself a job with those publishing boyses.

0:08:06 > 0:08:09You know what, if you're lucky, I might just let you have

0:08:09 > 0:08:11a spin in my mega company car when it arrives.

0:08:11 > 0:08:13Fuck off.

0:08:13 > 0:08:15Congratulations, mate. Are they still looking for reps?

0:08:15 > 0:08:17You disloyal little shit.

0:08:17 > 0:08:19Do I sense some disharmony in the ranks?

0:08:19 > 0:08:22Do let me know if you need a few pointers on how to motivate

0:08:22 > 0:08:23a sales team, Sheriff.

0:08:23 > 0:08:25From you? Do me a favour.

0:08:25 > 0:08:28No, my morale boosting end of week parties are going to

0:08:28 > 0:08:30blow your grubby shenanigans

0:08:30 > 0:08:34out the water with their decadence, depravity and...

0:08:34 > 0:08:38Doctors? Daffodils? Dragons? Debauchery.

0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, that is lovely to hear cos I'm expecting you boyses

0:08:40 > 0:08:43to throw me a memorable send off for my leaving do Friday.

0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well...trust me you will not be disappointed. I better not be.

0:08:47 > 0:08:49Well, you won't be. Excellent. More than excellent, mate.

0:08:49 > 0:08:53You'll probably need to bring a sick bag. Why's that?

0:08:53 > 0:08:55Because...

0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm taking you on a roller-coaster ride of sexual thrills.

0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you Friday.

0:09:03 > 0:09:06You haven't arranged anything, have you? No.

0:09:06 > 0:09:08# Pull up to the bumper, baby... #

0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'll say this for Fitzpatrick,

0:09:10 > 0:09:13he was putting the hours in designing his sexy roller-coaster.

0:09:26 > 0:09:28Bingo.

0:09:28 > 0:09:31Welcome to the world of magazine publishing. Morning, boyses.

0:09:31 > 0:09:34These lucky pricks don't know it yet, but in the coming months

0:09:34 > 0:09:36I'm going to be leading them to great things.

0:09:36 > 0:09:39First and foremost a great tailor.

0:09:39 > 0:09:41Fitzpatrick was right, those suits ARE fucking boring.

0:09:41 > 0:09:44He's just in here, Mr Swan. Thank you.

0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hello, Vincent.

0:09:49 > 0:09:53Hello. I didn't get your name the other day.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56Andrew. Andrew Davies. That's the one.

0:09:56 > 0:10:01Andrew. I thought Martin was going to be doing the interview. No.

0:10:06 > 0:10:08We didn't get a chance to chat the other day.

0:10:08 > 0:10:11Well, we may have had a brief exchange, but... Did we?

0:10:11 > 0:10:14Yes, we did, there was an exchange.

0:10:14 > 0:10:17Pffff. It's forgotten. Water under the bridge. Let's move on.

0:10:17 > 0:10:19Absolutely. Let's put it behind us.

0:10:19 > 0:10:21Now, Vincent, can I be frank with you?

0:10:21 > 0:10:23You can be whoever you want, Andy.

0:10:23 > 0:10:27I find this whole concept of interviewing very flawed.

0:10:27 > 0:10:31You know, two people sat across a desk, best foot forward,

0:10:31 > 0:10:32spinning lie after lie at one another.

0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's like being on a blind date.

0:10:34 > 0:10:38Hopefully with less fingering at the end. Ha, yeah.

0:10:38 > 0:10:41Listen, I'll be completely straight with you,

0:10:41 > 0:10:44if your sales figures and your references back up what my gut tells

0:10:44 > 0:10:47me about you, then this interview is already two minutes too long.

0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, that's very flattering, Andy.

0:10:49 > 0:10:51Maybe there can be a bit of fingering after all.

0:10:51 > 0:10:54Now, Vincent, do you like golf? Love the stuff. Excellent.

0:10:54 > 0:10:57Then what I propose is that we finish this interview

0:10:57 > 0:10:59out on the golf course.

0:10:59 > 0:11:01Could you make Saturday, tee off around nine?

0:11:01 > 0:11:03Perfect.

0:11:03 > 0:11:05Apologies in advance if the old competitive beast

0:11:05 > 0:11:07comes out on the course.

0:11:07 > 0:11:09I've yet to meet a good salesman who isn't a terrible loser.

0:11:09 > 0:11:10Absolutely, boss.

0:11:10 > 0:11:13I'm sure I'll turn into a total cunt out there as well.

0:11:13 > 0:11:14I'll see you Saturday.

0:11:16 > 0:11:18All right, boyses.

0:11:18 > 0:11:21Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's attempt at modernising Cachet had hit

0:11:21 > 0:11:22a Brummie brick wall.

0:11:22 > 0:11:26If it's so bloody clever, why can't I just say, "Computer,

0:11:26 > 0:11:30"store these addresses," rather than all this mumbo jumbo

0:11:30 > 0:11:32from the future language.

0:11:32 > 0:11:35Because it's the cutting edge of technology, Carol,

0:11:35 > 0:11:36not a genie from a fucking lamp.

0:11:36 > 0:11:39A lamp in here would be more useful. It gets very gloomy.

0:11:39 > 0:11:40Whether you like it or not,

0:11:40 > 0:11:43I'm trying to drag this operation into the 1980s.

0:11:43 > 0:11:46You don't see NASA running off to a filing cabinet

0:11:46 > 0:11:49every time one of their astronauts says, "Houston, we have a problem."

0:11:49 > 0:11:52Because they're completely comparable operations,

0:11:52 > 0:11:53NASA and Cachet.

0:11:53 > 0:11:56Now, that's a really shite telly.

0:11:56 > 0:11:58Carol, love, we need an address

0:11:58 > 0:12:00for that bay window front door job in Tilbury.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'll get it from the filing cabinet.

0:12:02 > 0:12:06No, let's start as we mean to go on, yeah?

0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's on the system. Under Tiernan.

0:12:08 > 0:12:10I don't know how to work it.

0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, come on, get out the way, will ya?

0:12:12 > 0:12:15Let me demonstrate to you the power of technology.

0:12:15 > 0:12:16We haven't got all day!

0:12:16 > 0:12:18All right, hold your horses!

0:12:18 > 0:12:23Right. So, you press Shift 4.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28Then type Tier...nan

0:12:28 > 0:12:31into the search field

0:12:31 > 0:12:32and...

0:12:32 > 0:12:34BUZZER

0:12:34 > 0:12:37It's not worked, has it? I'll get it from the filing cabinet.

0:12:37 > 0:12:40No, it's all right, I remember... I mean look it's here.

0:12:41 > 0:12:46Ah, yeah. It's 78 Romley Avenue. Write that down for him, Carol.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48Why don't you print it out for him?

0:12:48 > 0:12:50Because there's no point wasting ink, is there?

0:12:50 > 0:12:51Let's have a look.

0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, no, must've been a power surge.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58I'll just...we'll have to reboot it. That's a shame.

0:12:59 > 0:13:00Anything else, Brendan?

0:13:00 > 0:13:03You know Romley Avenue's split into East and West, don't you?

0:13:03 > 0:13:07Really? Well, that's an interesting story, Terry fucking Wogan.

0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, is it east or is it west?

0:13:10 > 0:13:12Um... He'll just check on the computer.

0:13:12 > 0:13:15It's West. OK? It's fucking West. Now can we just move on.

0:13:15 > 0:13:19Come on. All right, West. Got it.

0:13:19 > 0:13:20Thanks.

0:13:22 > 0:13:25Got a mouth on him, hasn't he?

0:13:25 > 0:13:27Keep an eye on him, Carol.

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Despite not having the first fucking clue about golf,

0:13:29 > 0:13:31it wasn't going to stop me looking the part.

0:13:31 > 0:13:33Or, to be more precise,

0:13:33 > 0:13:36looking like a kids' TV presenter who got dressed in the dark.

0:13:36 > 0:13:39Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick was discovering that new technology

0:13:39 > 0:13:42is only ever as reliable as the fuckwit operating it.

0:13:42 > 0:13:43Uh-huh.

0:13:46 > 0:13:49No, no, no, they would have done.

0:13:49 > 0:13:50No.

0:13:51 > 0:13:52I'm looking at the docket now,

0:13:52 > 0:13:56it says they were fitted this afternoon. 78 Romley Avenue West.

0:13:58 > 0:13:59What?

0:14:01 > 0:14:0378 Romley Avenue East?

0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yeah. No, that's what I meant. That's what it says on the docket.

0:14:07 > 0:14:10Bollocks. Do you want me to come with you?

0:14:10 > 0:14:13What, and have you apologise the homeowners to death?

0:14:13 > 0:14:16No, I'll take care of this. Fuck them before they fuck us.

0:14:22 > 0:14:24I understand, mistakes happen.

0:14:24 > 0:14:27It's our junior intern. She's first week. Still very nervous.

0:14:27 > 0:14:30Been transferred to the New York showroom now.

0:14:30 > 0:14:35But, as it was wholly our mistake, I'm very happy to offer you

0:14:35 > 0:14:39a generous 15% off the window and door.

0:14:39 > 0:14:41But I didn't ask for them.

0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'm not paying for something I didn't ask for.

0:14:43 > 0:14:47Here we go. Look, I get it, I'm a businessman.

0:14:47 > 0:14:49I admire your brazenness.

0:14:49 > 0:14:52You've seen an opportunity and you've run with it. Opportunity?

0:14:52 > 0:14:56Yeah. You want free windows. That's fine, I don't blame ya.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58You live here. It's a bit of a shit-hole.

0:14:58 > 0:15:00You want to make it look nicer.

0:15:00 > 0:15:02Sorry - let me make this very clear.

0:15:02 > 0:15:04I don't want your horrible windows.

0:15:04 > 0:15:07Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you let

0:15:07 > 0:15:09my fitter install them! Well, as it happens,

0:15:09 > 0:15:11my nine-year-old daughter was at home on her own

0:15:11 > 0:15:14expecting the window cleaner. Your fitter called,

0:15:14 > 0:15:16said he was here to do the windows so she let him in.

0:15:16 > 0:15:20Your fitter needs to get his addresses right.

0:15:20 > 0:15:24Yeah, well, I blame the girl far more than him, to be honest.

0:15:24 > 0:15:27I'm picturing her, I'm picturing an idiot.

0:15:27 > 0:15:29Do not call my daughter an idiot.

0:15:29 > 0:15:34Right. I'd like you off my property right now.

0:15:34 > 0:15:37That's fine, but my fitter will be round here tomorrow

0:15:37 > 0:15:39to rip out that window.

0:15:39 > 0:15:42And, if you resist, I'll have you arrested for theft.

0:15:44 > 0:15:47Do you know what you are? Classic pikey scum.

0:15:47 > 0:15:50Pikey scum that wants something for nothing,

0:15:50 > 0:15:53just for sitting on your fat arse all day.

0:15:53 > 0:15:56Right. That is it. I am calling my brother.

0:15:57 > 0:16:00I don't think your big brother's going to make this go away.

0:16:00 > 0:16:02Oh, I think he might.

0:16:06 > 0:16:09That's all been resolved, then, has it?

0:16:09 > 0:16:12I think I've just called Ronnie Farrell's sister pikey scum.

0:16:12 > 0:16:14Ronnie Farrell who runs Ronnie Farrell Debt Collection?

0:16:14 > 0:16:16The one with a conviction for manslaughter?

0:16:16 > 0:16:20No, the other Ronnie Farrell who works for Amnesty, you daft prick.

0:16:20 > 0:16:22Isn't he a bit...dangerous?

0:16:22 > 0:16:24He's a fucking lunatic!

0:16:24 > 0:16:27And I just called his nine-year-old niece an idiot.

0:16:27 > 0:16:28I'm a dead man, right?

0:16:28 > 0:16:31No, I mean gangsters very rarely take slights

0:16:31 > 0:16:33against their family seriously.

0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yeah, she's probably bluffing.

0:16:38 > 0:16:40HE WRITHES IN PAIN

0:16:40 > 0:16:42Apologise to my sister.

0:16:42 > 0:16:46I'm sorry...I'm really sorry. Ronnie, please!

0:16:46 > 0:16:48Aargh!

0:16:48 > 0:16:49She keeps the door and window.

0:16:49 > 0:16:53Yes, absolutely. Free of charge.

0:16:53 > 0:16:56Obviously, free of charge, you tit.

0:16:56 > 0:16:59Yeah, I know, I was just clarifying.

0:16:59 > 0:17:02Aargh, Ronnie, please...!

0:17:04 > 0:17:05Good.

0:17:05 > 0:17:08Now that you're being reasonable, why don't you compose yourself

0:17:08 > 0:17:12and we'll start again. OK? OK. Go and sit down.

0:17:18 > 0:17:19What's happening?

0:17:19 > 0:17:21HE MOUTHS: I don't know.

0:17:25 > 0:17:26Hello.

0:17:29 > 0:17:34I was in here a moment ago discussing my sister's windows.

0:17:34 > 0:17:36Yeah, I remember.

0:17:36 > 0:17:39Well, I just got to thinking, the new door and window,

0:17:39 > 0:17:41they don't match the rest of the windows in the house.

0:17:41 > 0:17:43So, what I was thinking was maybe you can replace

0:17:43 > 0:17:45the rest of the windows as well.

0:17:46 > 0:17:48To maintain the aesthetic.

0:17:49 > 0:17:55Right. And would you be looking to pay anything

0:17:55 > 0:17:58for these windows, Ronnie? What do you think?

0:18:00 > 0:18:04So, Maggie can expect someone round to measure up, what...on Monday?

0:18:06 > 0:18:09Monday. Monday's great.

0:18:11 > 0:18:14Pleasure doing business with you.

0:18:14 > 0:18:15I'll be seeing you.

0:18:15 > 0:18:18I love your little telly.

0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh, dear, did someone shoot the Sheriff?

0:18:30 > 0:18:35Even for a bag of shit like you, you look like a bag of shit, mate.

0:18:35 > 0:18:37Cracking under the pressure of not being me?

0:18:37 > 0:18:40No chance. Just taking a little breather.

0:18:40 > 0:18:44The only thing cracking round here are sales records.

0:18:44 > 0:18:46Delighted to hear it. So tonight's celebrations

0:18:46 > 0:18:49should be one to remember, eh, Lavender? Apparently so.

0:18:49 > 0:18:53They don't call me the postman for nothing. I always deliver.

0:18:53 > 0:18:56You two are going to be wanking over the memory of tonight's

0:18:56 > 0:18:59little treat until the day you both die.

0:18:59 > 0:19:01Nice to have my final death wank sorted.

0:19:16 > 0:19:17Voila.

0:19:18 > 0:19:21Have we broken down? I think you got the wrong address, Postie.

0:19:21 > 0:19:25Think again, boys, because tonight we're pioneers,

0:19:25 > 0:19:29witnessing the start of a whole new sexual movement.

0:19:29 > 0:19:30Dogging.

0:19:30 > 0:19:32What the fuck's dogging?

0:19:35 > 0:19:39Dogging is the combination of two revolutions -

0:19:39 > 0:19:42the motor vehicle revolution and the sexual revolution,

0:19:42 > 0:19:45making the ultimate form of sexual expression.

0:19:45 > 0:19:51You sly old dog. This has the potential to be interesting.

0:19:51 > 0:19:54Fucking hell. Are there people having sex in these cars?

0:19:54 > 0:19:56Yes, if that's all right with you, Lavender?

0:19:57 > 0:19:59What are we doing?

0:19:59 > 0:20:02I don't know about you but I'm going to go and have

0:20:02 > 0:20:04a wank over some dirty fuckers screwing in a car park.

0:20:09 > 0:20:13HEAVY BREATHING

0:20:13 > 0:20:16Shit me. Fucking look at that.

0:20:16 > 0:20:18Fuck me, they're going for it.

0:20:18 > 0:20:20Welcome to the promised land.

0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oi, Jimmy Hill, give the fucking live commentary a rest.

0:20:22 > 0:20:25Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick, why have you brought me out

0:20:25 > 0:20:27to watch two men fuck? Is this what you're into?

0:20:27 > 0:20:30It's completely fine if you are, mate. Fuck off. I didn't know.

0:20:30 > 0:20:32Anyone else want a turn?

0:20:32 > 0:20:35Um, no, we, erm... We can't actually.

0:20:35 > 0:20:37You see, we're not gay.

0:20:37 > 0:20:39Why's he got his cock in his hand, then?

0:20:39 > 0:20:44Yeah, no, sorry. I don't suppose you've spotted any females around?

0:20:44 > 0:20:46It's not a bloody safari park.

0:20:46 > 0:20:48Friday night is gay. Straight couples on Thursday.

0:20:48 > 0:20:49Read the bloody newsletter, love.

0:20:49 > 0:20:53Yep. Will do. Sorry about the mix up, it's a work night out.

0:21:02 > 0:21:06Oh, my God. Fitzpatrick was tugging off to it.

0:21:06 > 0:21:08Fuck off! Well, you're gay.

0:21:08 > 0:21:11No, I wasn't. Oh, God, what's he doing now?

0:21:11 > 0:21:14What do you think he's doing? He can't do that.

0:21:14 > 0:21:17Don't bring us dogging then! Oh, Christ there's one behind us.

0:21:17 > 0:21:20Shit, we're surrounded. Right let's get moving, Fitzpatrick.

0:21:20 > 0:21:21I can't. We're boxed in.

0:21:21 > 0:21:24HE BEEPS HORN Out the way, gentlemen. Don't startle them.

0:21:24 > 0:21:26There's more over here. I can't get out.

0:21:26 > 0:21:29Just move forward slowly and they'll clear.

0:21:29 > 0:21:30They're not fucking deer.

0:21:30 > 0:21:33I do hope that was a seagull that just shit up my window.

0:21:33 > 0:21:35There's a gap. Floor it! Don't look back.

0:21:35 > 0:21:39Drive, drive, drive! I am fucking driving!

0:21:39 > 0:21:42It was a novel approach to team building, I'll give him that.

0:21:42 > 0:21:44I was soon back in the countryside, although this time

0:21:44 > 0:21:46there was only the one little prick to deal with.

0:21:46 > 0:21:48So, er, what's your handicap, Vincent?

0:21:48 > 0:21:52Probably a 9 or a 10. Comes in waves. But, yeah.

0:21:52 > 0:21:54Probably an 8, or a 9, or a 10.

0:21:54 > 0:21:57Interesting. Is that a brand-new club?

0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yeah, never use the same club twice.

0:21:59 > 0:22:01Mind if I tee off first?

0:22:01 > 0:22:03All right, mate.

0:22:10 > 0:22:12What do you reckon?

0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yeah. Please.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23Great to be back out on the course.

0:22:25 > 0:22:27Is that...? Nah, it's all right.

0:22:27 > 0:22:30Thought I saw someone out there. I didn't see anyone.

0:22:30 > 0:22:33There definitely was something. Move out the fucking way!

0:22:33 > 0:22:37Vincent, the etiquette in golf is to shout "Fore."

0:22:37 > 0:22:40Yeah. Golf's all about etiquette for me.

0:22:40 > 0:22:41Fucking fore!

0:22:41 > 0:22:43Where were we?

0:22:43 > 0:22:44HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:22:52 > 0:22:54Fuck's sake. What is it with golf, eh?

0:22:54 > 0:22:56Why do we put ourselves through it?

0:23:09 > 0:23:13There she is, the old lady.

0:23:13 > 0:23:15Lovely.

0:23:31 > 0:23:32Bollocks.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34Get in the fucking hole.

0:23:39 > 0:23:40Get in!

0:23:40 > 0:23:43I think that means, taking into account your handicap...

0:23:43 > 0:23:46I think that means I've won by 18 holes to none.

0:23:46 > 0:23:48I don't mind saying the better man won.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53There you are, boss. Until the next time.

0:23:53 > 0:23:56My pleasure. And I'm not your boss. Not yet but...

0:23:56 > 0:23:59Not ever. You'll never work for me. What?

0:24:01 > 0:24:02Is this a joke?

0:24:02 > 0:24:05No, you're the joke, Vincent. I know what you are.

0:24:05 > 0:24:09I've spoken to people who've been exposed to your men's methods.

0:24:09 > 0:24:10You're con-men.

0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yes, all right, you've had a good few months.

0:24:13 > 0:24:14But it won't last.

0:24:14 > 0:24:17You're selling a worthless product for as much money as you can,

0:24:17 > 0:24:20as quickly as you can. And sooner or later people will find out.

0:24:20 > 0:24:23You're not proper businessmen, you're not salesmen.

0:24:23 > 0:24:26You're hustlers. You're fairground workers in shiny suits,

0:24:26 > 0:24:28selling a product as worthless as you are.

0:24:28 > 0:24:31Is this because I called you a little prick?

0:24:31 > 0:24:32Maybe.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35Anyway, now that our interview's over, I'm afraid

0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm going to have to kindly ask you to leave,

0:24:37 > 0:24:41since I don't think you are or ever will be a member of this club.

0:24:41 > 0:24:43That's all right, mate, I'll gladly leave.

0:24:47 > 0:24:50Like Groucho Marx said, "I refuse to join a golf club

0:24:50 > 0:24:53"that would have you, a fucking little prick, as a member."

0:24:53 > 0:24:55That's not the quote, actually.

0:24:55 > 0:24:56Fuck off.

0:25:01 > 0:25:04I don't know what to say. You were right.

0:25:05 > 0:25:06I've let you all down.

0:25:08 > 0:25:10Right, here's what you're going to do.

0:25:10 > 0:25:14You're going to go back to Walshy, and ask him for your job back.

0:25:14 > 0:25:18You might have to start a rung down... I can't, Sam.

0:25:18 > 0:25:20It won't be for long, will it?

0:25:20 > 0:25:23Fitzpatrick will be lucky if he gets another week as showroom manager.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25I don't think I can do it.

0:25:25 > 0:25:27Vincent, look at me.

0:25:28 > 0:25:32No-one believes in you more than you do, baby. Right?

0:25:32 > 0:25:36There's always going to be a Walshy or a little prick

0:25:36 > 0:25:38trying to fuck you over, but you're better than them.

0:25:38 > 0:25:39That's why I married you.

0:25:39 > 0:25:41You old romantic.

0:25:41 > 0:25:44I thought it was cos I got you pregnant. Yeah, there was that.

0:25:44 > 0:25:50You are incredible. I thought you were going to leave me.

0:25:50 > 0:25:53Well, it's hard to be mad at you when you're wearing

0:25:53 > 0:25:55those tight white trousers. I do look a bit like John Travolta, eh?

0:25:55 > 0:25:57More like Bucks Fizz. Sexier then.

0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, yeah.

0:25:59 > 0:26:02Now, do you think you've got time for a quick birdie

0:26:02 > 0:26:05before the kids get back? Oh, we can do better than that.

0:26:05 > 0:26:07How about a hole in one?

0:26:07 > 0:26:11Or I could plop my balls in your... All right don't spoil it.

0:26:14 > 0:26:15Here we go. I don't think

0:26:15 > 0:26:19my gag reflex will let me swallow this much pride.

0:26:20 > 0:26:22You wanted to see me, Vincent.

0:26:22 > 0:26:24I want to get one thing straight from the start.

0:26:24 > 0:26:24Yeah, hold on, hold on.

0:26:24 > 0:26:29Before you say anything you might regret, come with me.

0:26:29 > 0:26:36Ta-dah. Ford Granada LX. Top-of-the-range. Your company car.

0:26:36 > 0:26:39Really? I think you've forgotten I don't work here any more.

0:26:39 > 0:26:43Come on, don't milk it. This is me saying sorry.

0:26:43 > 0:26:45I need you back, Vincent.

0:26:45 > 0:26:49Fitzpatrick's taken us from selling 50 grand a week to zero.

0:26:49 > 0:26:53Minus four grand if you include Carol's fucking unusable computer.

0:26:53 > 0:26:56Well, you're on the right lines, Walshy.

0:26:56 > 0:26:58But you better make it a BMW

0:26:58 > 0:27:01or I'll never set foot in your poxy showroom again.

0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh, fucking hell, Vincent! Call it danger money.

0:27:04 > 0:27:07Carol told me you've got that psycho Ronnie Farrell on your case.

0:27:07 > 0:27:10OK. I'll call the leasing company and get you a BMW,

0:27:10 > 0:27:13but you better get us out of this hole with Ronnie.

0:27:13 > 0:27:16I can't afford to be giving away five grand's worth of windows.

0:27:16 > 0:27:18Leave Ronnie to me.

0:27:18 > 0:27:21'I quickly managed to get Ronnie Farrell onside by making him

0:27:21 > 0:27:23'an offer he couldn't refuse.'

0:27:23 > 0:27:25So you've sorted it with Farrell? Yeah, you can stop

0:27:25 > 0:27:28shitting your pants now. He's not going to hurt anyone.

0:27:28 > 0:27:31How did you do that? Let's just say we came to a compromise.

0:27:31 > 0:27:33Great. What's the compromise?

0:27:33 > 0:27:36I told him he can have the windows for free.

0:27:36 > 0:27:38What?! Why have you done that?

0:27:38 > 0:27:41Because he's an incredibly violent, dangerous man.

0:27:41 > 0:27:43But that's going to cost me five fucking grand!

0:27:43 > 0:27:46You should have thought about that before you put Fitzpatrick

0:27:46 > 0:27:49in charge, you stupid prick. Let that be a valuable lesson to you.

0:27:52 > 0:27:55'I did get one concession from Ronnie.

0:27:55 > 0:27:58'Turns out as an eminent local businessman and being neither

0:27:58 > 0:28:00'female, foreign or Jewish, Ronnie was a big wig at the golf club.

0:28:00 > 0:28:02'For the price of one "nice little telly"

0:28:02 > 0:28:04'I managed to wrangle membership.

0:28:04 > 0:28:07'Now, golfers often say the toughest opponent you can face

0:28:07 > 0:28:09'on the course is yourself.'

0:28:09 > 0:28:13Oi! Stop getting in the way, you wanker!

0:28:13 > 0:28:15Hurry up, bell ends!

0:28:15 > 0:28:17Well, every Saturday morning from now until I eventually

0:28:17 > 0:28:18get banned from this place,

0:28:18 > 0:28:21I'm going to be this little prick's toughest opponent.

0:28:24 > 0:28:26Fucking fore!

0:28:26 > 0:28:29# It ain't no big thing

0:28:29 > 0:28:32# To wait for the bell to ring

0:28:33 > 0:28:37# It ain't no big thing

0:28:37 > 0:28:39# The toll of the bell

0:28:42 > 0:28:45# Aggravated spare for days

0:28:45 > 0:28:49# I troll down town, the red light place

0:28:49 > 0:28:53# Jump up bubble up, what's in store

0:28:53 > 0:28:55# Love is the drug and I need to score... #