0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07LOUD MUSIC: # ..bought a ticket to the West Coast
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Now he gives them a stand-up routine in LA... #
0:00:09 > 0:00:12MUSIC DROWNS OUT DOORBELL
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Excuse me...
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Hello?
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Excuse me.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27MUSIC STOPS
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Excuse me. Are you the homeowner?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- That depends. - Depends on what exactly?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34On whether you're here to tell me I've won the pools or not.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Not quite. I'm looking for Mr Vincent Swan.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Oh.- I take it that's you?
0:00:41 > 0:00:42No, sorry.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44And you are?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45The gardener.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Well, if you could pass this on to Mr Swan and tell him that
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Miss Barnes from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue stopped by
0:00:52 > 0:00:54to discuss his tax affairs.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Will do. What's he done?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01It's more what he's not done, really. As in pay any tax.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06- Hm.- Do many people on this council estate have private gardeners?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09No, I'm a luxury few can afford.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Tell Mr Swan I'll see him soon.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Oh, I will, sweetheart.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"Nothing is certain in life but death and taxes."
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You know who said that?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Some fucking loser.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's defeatist bullshit designed to make the feeble feel
0:01:28 > 0:01:30better about their tragic lives.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Death and taxes? I plan on avoiding both.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# Got a call from an old friend
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# We used to be real close
0:01:46 > 0:01:50# Said he couldn't go on the American way... #
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Mm. You look handsome.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And flammable. Have you got any cash?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- I need to pay for Robbie's school trip.- Wallet's in my pocket.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Jacket pocket.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It's all right, I think I've found what I've been missing.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sam, I don't have time.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12That's not what Mr Winky is telling me.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He seems very pleased to see me.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Oh, that's not fair.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I think it's more than fair, Vincent Swan.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's been ages since we've had any fun together.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Oh, Jesus, that feels good.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26All right, let me get out of these trousers, yeah?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, no, no, you keep them on.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33I want you like this, Mr Big Shot Salesman. In his suit...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Mm, let's close this deal, Vincent.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It's business time...I'm on my knees,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41begging for all of your product...
0:02:41 > 0:02:46That's it. Mm, close the deal. All over my fingers.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- That's it.- Oh!- There we go.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Mm.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Shit.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'm going to have to change now.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, let that be a lesson to you.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And I swear I'll make you ruin every single pair of trousers in
0:03:03 > 0:03:06that wardrobe until you give your family some proper attention.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10'But Sam wasn't the only woman yanking my dick
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'that particular morning.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You've got to be shitting me.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29He'll probably be here in five minutes. Come in, wait inside.
0:03:29 > 0:03:37PHONE RINGS
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Pick up the phone, shitheads.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- PHONE RINGS - He won't be long.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43No-one move, I'll get it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Cachet Windows and Doors. How may I help you?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Carol, this is Vincent. Listen. Don't talk.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53That woman is from the tax office, she's after me.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57How'd you know that? Is this magic, like Paul Daniels?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Stop fucking talking. I'm over the road in the phone box.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Don't look.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Jesus Christ!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, sorry, I'm very suggestible.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Look, I need you to calmly put the phone down and tell her
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I do not work there and you have never heard of me.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I've never heard of Vincent Swan.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18So, why did you just invite me in
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and say he'd be along in five minutes?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I thought you said...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Winston...
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Ston.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Winston Ston?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30OK.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Neither of you gentlemen would happen to be Vincent Swan?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- No, sorry.- Well, is either of you the business owner?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, I just work here in sales.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"Work" is debatable. He sits there and looks pretty.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- I'm the salesman.- Pointless comment.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47If you'd like to speak to Tony Walsh he's the business owner,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- he's usually at the factory. - Do you have the address handy?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- Here's his card.- Thank you, for being more than just a pretty face.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Erm, thanks.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01If you do happen to run into Mr Swan
0:05:01 > 0:05:04please do let him know that I stopped by.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Will do... I mean, I would do...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08if I could, but I can't.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13Cos I don't even know him and he's never worked here. Bye.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Lavatory couldn't wait to grass you up.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Don't be a cock. I was trying to get her out of the showroom.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You and your student comrades might want to go and live in Russia
0:05:28 > 0:05:32but, here, in the free West, we try not to inform on our pals.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Brian, will you just give it a rest for two minutes while I try
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and figure out how to get this fucking bloodhound off my scent.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Here's an idea, why don't you pay your tax like the rest of us?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Because unlike you, I'm not a mug, mate.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Paying tax is like paying your TV licence fee - you only ever
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- do it when they catch you. - Which she has done.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49No, she's just knocked on my door. All I have to do is hide
0:05:49 > 0:05:51under the sofa until she moves on to the next sap.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Wouldn't it be easier to just pay them?- I can't, mate.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I conscientiously object to taxation.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57On what grounds?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00On the grounds that I tried it once and I didn't like it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Luckily, it wasn't bad timing for an enforced sabbatical from
0:06:06 > 0:06:08the business as I'd recently branched out
0:06:08 > 0:06:09into movie distribution.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Can you believe people will pay 20 quid
0:06:12 > 0:06:15a pop to get their own copy of this boggly-eyed little cunt?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17THEME FROM ET This all started with a visit
0:06:17 > 0:06:20from our friendly neighbourhood loan shark.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Ronnie Farrell had recently acquired some electrical goods and
0:06:23 > 0:06:25needed a safe place to store them for a few weeks.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Stay in the van, I mean it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30'Just until the paperwork got sorted.'
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Anyway, these goods turned out to be a batch of state of the art
0:06:35 > 0:06:37video recorders and camcorders.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Which was handy because as well as crushed dreams, the music industry
0:06:40 > 0:06:44had given Lavender a basic knowledge of recording equipment so when
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I got hold of an illegal VHS of the biggest movie on the fucking planet,
0:06:48 > 0:06:52we set up our own dubbing suite and entered the pirate video business.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Piss off, will ya! Turn that bloody thing off!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01God, the little boy's sick now.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02And the alien.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07And talking of illegal aliens, meet Brendan, our Irish fitter.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15'It turns out I wasn't the only Cachet boy looking to branch
0:07:15 > 0:07:17'out into showbusiness.'
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Martin, you've been to university, you can work a camera, can't you?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I need some photos done.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Yes, I can work a camera, Brendan, not because I've been to university.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28You just press the button on top.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Will you take the fucking pics or not?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yeah, yeah. Seeing as you're asking so nicely. What are we shooting?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Donna, get your arse in here!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I need somebody to take some topless shots of Donna for this
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Page 3 competition they're running in The Sun.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44500 quid first prize.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Obviously, I'd do it if I weren't her Da.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Jesus, Brendan. How old is she?- 16.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It was my birthday on Sunday.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Many happy returns, love.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Was it a toss up between getting some roller boots
0:07:55 > 0:07:57or getting some tit shots done?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59No, she got her roller boots, too.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Right. I want no part in this.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Typical. I suppose Comrade Lenin didn't approve of tits?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I wouldn't know, I'm not a communist.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- I just think Page 3 is degrading to women.- Course you do.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13That's the problem with these Trotsky types, Brendan.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Dare to show a bit of entrepreneurial spirit
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and they want to piss all over your dreams
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- from their lofty moral high ground.- It's not political.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I just don't particularly want to see Donna's or anyone's tits
0:08:23 > 0:08:24splashed across my newspaper.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Careful with that smart mouth of yours, boy.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- I'll take the pictures, Brendan. - Cheers. Here's the camera.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33If you'd like to just follow me upstairs, Donna.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34I'll be back in an hour, love.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Don't be late cos I've got majorettes at six.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38HE GRUNTS APPROVAL
0:08:40 > 0:08:42There's something wrong with you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Come on, loosen up a bit. Try and look a little less...dead eyed?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51It doesn't matter.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I just want to get this over with and get my 500 quick.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Well, if you want to be in with a chance of winning the money
0:08:56 > 0:08:58we've got to get a shot that doesn't look like it should come
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- with a ransom note.- Are you saying I might not get paid for this?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It's a competition. Only the winner gets paid.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- It's not Reader's Wives. - I don't know what that is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No, of course you don't.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It's an erotic magazine where consenting adults
0:09:11 > 0:09:13send in nude photos.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14A grot mag?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Yes.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And they get paid?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Yeah. 25 quid a shot... I've...someone... I've heard...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Lavender told me.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Well, let's just do that, then.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Yeah all right, then, but don't tell your dad.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31That's better.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34'Meanwhile, hiding from the tax Nazi gave me the chance
0:09:34 > 0:09:36'to score some brownie points with Sam and the kids.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Hands up who thinks I'm the best daddy in the world?
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- Well, hands up who wants the day off school?- Yep!- That's better.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Right. The Swans are having a family day out.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I see they're thinking up new ways to make Page 3 even creepier.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57There's the latest.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"Cute little Karen Clarke was a topless beauty at an early age
0:10:00 > 0:10:04"but she's a big girl now all right, and every inch a lady."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06She sure is. What's wrong with that?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Just everything possible, I suppose.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10They've even lined up her two-year-old self
0:10:10 > 0:10:13so she's looking directly at her 19-year-old breasts.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Do you honestly think that's all right?- Course.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Look at little Karen there,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19she looks pleased as punch she turned into such a stunner.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Oh, hello, love. Just head upstairs, get yourself ready.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Don't call me love.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- What are you up to? - None of your beeswax.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31All right. Maybe I'd better ask Brendan when I see him.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34All right. I'm just helping Donna make a little bit
0:10:34 > 0:10:35of extra pocket money.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37If she's going to immortalise her bangers on celluloid,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41she might as well get some mullah doing it - her words not mine,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43before you start labelling me "sexist."
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Hello, Brian. Are we OK to leave the car out the front?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48No, the warden round here's a Nazi.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Just swing it round the back of the showroom.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Who was that?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Those gentlemen are local artistes who've expressed an interest
0:10:57 > 0:11:01in honing their nude, still-life photography techniques.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03They look like the sort of men we were warned not to speak to
0:11:03 > 0:11:04on the way home from school.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07As they're paying 200 quid for an hour's studio time,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09me and Donna are more than happy to speak to them.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You just stay down here staring disapprovingly at tits.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17'Now her genies were out the bottle, Donna wanted quick, easy money and
0:11:17 > 0:11:20'Fitzpatrick was precisely the kind of degenerate to help her find it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23'Elsewhere, the Swan family Beano was underway and nothing says
0:11:23 > 0:11:27'quality time like a visit to the spot where it all began.'
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It's so creepy down here.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- We're not lost, are we, Vincent? - No-one's lost. We're nearly there.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Do you know what that is, kids? - What are we looking at?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40More boring trees.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No, that's the spot where you were conceived.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Jesus, Vincent. - Right up against that big tree.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- You actually think this is all right?- Urgh.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I want to go back to school. - What's conceived mean?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You're going to have to do much better than this, Vincent.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55OK.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04'Fitzpatrick's photography class was soon exploring all the classical
0:12:04 > 0:12:09'poses - naughty school girl, sexy tennis player, slutty nurse.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11'And while a picture paints a thousand words,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- 'turns out a video was gold dust.' - Do you ever record these sessions?
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Come on, mate, don't take the piss.- How much?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Another £200.- Each.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Shit, really. You're both in?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Donna?- Yeah.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31All right wait here.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34All right, look, it's got auto focus so all you need to do
0:12:34 > 0:12:35is point and shoot.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And then making copies is pretty easy. You just put the master copy
0:12:37 > 0:12:41into one machine, press play. Then take a blank tape and
0:12:41 > 0:12:44put it into the other machine and press play and record.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45There you go. That's it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48If you film it and run off a couple of copies,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50there's a 20 in it for you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Hm, let me see.
0:12:52 > 0:12:58My dignity and self respect versus £20, that is a tough one.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Come on, Donna doesn't give a shit.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's all tasteful Page 3 stuff.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yeah, Page 3 isn't really tasteful, though, is it?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Oh, your KGB pal is back for more info.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Tell you what, try and resist the urge to grass this time.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Hello. Miss Barnes. Don't tell me?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20You liked our windows so much you're back for a free quote?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Unfortunately, I'm here on official business, though you could
0:13:23 > 0:13:26sell me anything with those puppy dog eyes of yours.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Any sign of your colleague Vincent Swan?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I don't think I have a colleague called Vincent Swan.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Nice, very good.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38The problem is our investigators have evidence that Mr Swan
0:13:38 > 0:13:41has been an employee of Cachet Windows for the last eight months.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44And yet no-one who works here seems to remember him.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Isn't that strange...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50..pretty face?
0:13:51 > 0:13:56That is strange but, like I said, I can't really help you...
0:13:56 > 0:13:57The thing is Mr...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Call me Martin.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Thing is, Martin, we could continue this charade for weeks until
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I eventually catch him,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11or we could investigate other avenues
0:14:11 > 0:14:15for making all of this unpleasantness disappear.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'm sorry, other avenues?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Let's just say I'm more inclined to believe an individual when
0:14:23 > 0:14:25they're trying to be accommodating.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Right now, I can see great potential
0:14:28 > 0:14:30for how accommodating you might be to me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Oh, my goodness. Is that the time? I must fly.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Tell Mr Swan I'll be back tomorrow.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- They look evil.- Dad, I'm scared.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It's freezing, Vincent, can't we just eat these in the car?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Don't be daft. Look around.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54This beats any al-fresco dining experience on the planet.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Is al-fresco Italian for bleak and terrifying?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Oh!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59THEY LAUGH
0:14:59 > 0:15:02All right, look, we're not going to let a couple of seagulls
0:15:02 > 0:15:03ruin our moment.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06They're predators, they won't attack if an alpha stares them down.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'll bog them out, you finish your dinner.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Right, you thieving little bastards, stay away from my family.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Really?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16VINCENT SQUAWKS MENACINGLY
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He's obviously practised this before.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22All right, maybe we've all had about as much Vincent time
0:15:22 > 0:15:23as we can handle.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- Whoa!- Mum!- Right. Car. We're getting in the car this instant.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Right, your dad can do better than this.- What are you doing?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Run!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40What I really wanted to show you was this creation.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42MUSIC: "Me Olvide De Vivir" by Julio Iglesias
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Would you like mine?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55We have to go on this!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Go. Let's go, let's go.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11COINS FALL
0:16:11 > 0:16:12ALARM BLARES
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Let's go, let's go, run, run!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Thank you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- They really needed that. - I enjoyed it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Good. So, are you heading back in tomorrow?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30No, I thought we could all go up to London.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32We can't keep them off school another day.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Besides, it's Robbie's school trip tomorrow and
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I said you might chaperone him, if you were around.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Where are they going?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Is that a yes?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I'm thinking about it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Right, well, it's Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat
0:16:45 > 0:16:47in Basildon Civic Centre.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You're going have to make me spunk in a few more pairs of trousers
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- before I agree to that. - Well, that can be arranged.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57You two are disgusting.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02'We weren't the only ones having a productive day.'
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Right. I'll run off a few copies.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16'Brian, can you tell them to hurry up, please.'
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Bollocks. Erm...blank tape.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Bollocks.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Erm...
0:17:26 > 0:17:30'The next day, after Sam had persuaded me several times over,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32'I agreed to take Robbie on his school trip.'
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Right, wait here, I'll be back in a minute.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40'But before that my other demanding children required some attention.'
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Morning, arseholes.- All right? - Right, I haven't got long,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I've got to get on a coach with 35 snotty-nosed teenagers
0:17:46 > 0:17:50in half an hour. Ah, sweetheart. Some coffee and some toast, please.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51There we are.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Thanks for doing these.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55You're welcome.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Shut the lid, will ya? That fucking thing gives me the creeps.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You're happy to sit in a room full of sex offenders taking tit pics
0:18:02 > 0:18:04of a teenager but lovable old ET gives you the creeps?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07That was business. This is different, innit?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- I just don't trust his kind. - His kind?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12What, special effects puppets?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16You know what I mean. Fucking aliens. What is their game?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm not sure they exist, let alone have a game.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20If they want me to be less suspicious,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23stop shining blinding white lights in my face.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27And speak through your mouths, don't send messages directly to my brain.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28That's fucking freaky.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Most of these concerns appear to be based on
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Speaking of close encounters,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35did our friendly neighbourhood tax inspector pay a visit?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yes, she did, and the good news is I might have found
0:18:38 > 0:18:40a way to get her off your back.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The bad news is I think it involves me sleeping with her.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It sounds like disastrous news. For her.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49A bit of, erm, good old-fashioned sexual harassment. The sly minx.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50So, look, what's next?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I don't feel comfortable asking you to sleep with her.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Although I'm definitely going to insist he does exactly that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57'Lavender wasn't the only one
0:18:57 > 0:18:59'holding the shitty end of the stick.'
0:18:59 > 0:19:01When I'm old and you even think about putting me in a home,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03reflect back on this day, young Robbie.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05These are the sacrifices.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Morning, girls.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Is that your teacher?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Yeah. Please don't embarrass me today, Dad.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I wouldn't dream of it, I'll be on my best behaviour, son.- OK.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Morning, Miss Lyndsey.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21No need to run, Robbie. There's plenty of spaces left.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Vincent Swan, Robbie's dad. - Oh, hi. Thanks for coming.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Your wife wasn't sure if you could make it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Wouldn't miss it for the world.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29In my day, it was always the naughty boys that sat
0:19:29 > 0:19:31at the back of the bus.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Well, it still is, although it's not only the boys
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- that get up to no good. - Certainly not in my experience.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Now, where would you like me, Miss Lyndsey?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I think up front where I can keep my eye on you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06Dad, saved you a seat. Dad. Dad!
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Oh, no. Quick, there's paper towels out in the toilets. Go out there.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- I should go with her, really. - Nah, she's all right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It's just through the door.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Malteser?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Thanks.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Right, Robbie, you're going to need to walk home on your own.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What? I thought you were taking me?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I gotta get back to work, mate.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- OK.- I'll see ya.- See ya.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Need a lift anywhere, Miss?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Yeah, all right.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Can I let you into a secret?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55I hate musicals.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And I hate kids, so we're a pair of martyrs.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Before you rush to judge, I'd just sat through
0:21:03 > 0:21:06three hours of Andrew fucking Lloyd Webber. I deserve a treat.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16'Later that evening, Lavender was taking one for the team.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18'As abuses of power go, it was hardly Watergate,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21'but he was still terrified it might end with a deep throat.'
0:21:21 > 0:21:24We're not that dissimilar, really, are we, Martin?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26We both get paid to go door to door,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29asking people if they'll hand over cash they don't want to.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Not exactly. Our customers get a great product for their money.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Our precision-engineered windows and doors are...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Fucking hell I'm starting to sound like Vince... Winston.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Oh, yeah, good old Winston Ston.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Come on, we're outside of business hours now,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48you don't have to keep the guard up.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Frankly, it's weird enough we're doing this anyway.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53This isn't that weird.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58I'm not usually this impulsive, there was just something
0:21:58 > 0:22:01about you that made me throw caution to the wind.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Possibly the pretty face?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Possibly.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Another drink?
0:22:06 > 0:22:12No, thank you, I think I'd better be going actually.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I've already crossed enough lines tonight
0:22:15 > 0:22:17to lose my job several times over.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21OK, I'll walk you to your car.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32The thing is, though, Martin, once you've crossed the line...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41..you might as well make damn sure it's worth it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42# Relax, don't do it
0:22:42 > 0:22:44# When you want to go to it... #
0:22:44 > 0:22:47'That was one thing at least that the tax office and I
0:22:47 > 0:22:48'could agree on.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Relax, don't do it
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# When you want to suck it, do it
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Relax, don't do it
0:22:56 > 0:22:58# When you wanna come... #
0:22:58 > 0:23:00SHE GROANS
0:23:00 > 0:23:05I'm going to need you to put your fingers inside me.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- What, here?- Well, obviously here.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10But, I mean, it's quite public.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Just do it. Oh!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Now...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21..Martin, tell me
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- your National Insurance number. - What?
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Your National Insurance number. Give it to me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31And keep on doing that. Oh...
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Erm, it's NCW...- Oh!
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- ..21, 55...- Oh!- ..764...- Mm!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- I think.- Now, slowly...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50..your tax code. Sing it out.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- It's 5, 7...- Mm...
0:23:52 > 0:23:577...3...M...1.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03Oh, yeah, emergency tax code. Yes, I'm almost there.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Taxable income...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09for the last...tax year.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16- Seven thousand...- Oh! - ..eight hundred big ones.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17SHE GROANS
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, Martin.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23SHE SILENCES SCREAM
0:24:25 > 0:24:29THEY SIGH WITH RELIEF
0:24:34 > 0:24:37That is fucked up. She didn't want to screw you?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Nope. After that she said goodnight,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42shook my hand and told me she wouldn't be around any more.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45She did leave this fucking great bite mark on my shoulder
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- as a memento, though.- Ouch. Might need a rabies shot for that, mate.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Don't push your luck, mate. I've basically whored myself
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- to clear the coast for you.- You know I'd do the same for you, mate.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Here. A token of my appreciation.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Quite literally the wages of sin. But I'll take it. Cheers.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- How long, chef? - Five minutes. Where are the kids?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Inside watching ET.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06MUM! MUM! TITS!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- 'Like this?'- 'Yeah, hold it like that. Squeeze them together.'
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Right, turn this off! Kids, go upstairs. Go on!
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I want a word with your father.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16'Can I shift this leg now? I've got pins and needles.'
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Will you turn this fucking thing off?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I seriously had no idea how Donna's twin peaks ended up in Spielberg's
0:25:22 > 0:25:25second act but I was pretty fucking certain who was to blame.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I can explain.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Right, you're going to get out there and recall every fucking copy
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I've sold before someone else's kids discover ET stands for
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Extra Titties. - Straight away. I'll take care of it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Shit, boys, you'd better look at this.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41'However, someone in the West Essex area
0:25:41 > 0:25:43'has been selling pirated copies
0:25:43 > 0:25:46'on poorly branded VHS tapes like these.'
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You've got to be fucking kidding me.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50'Universal Pictures are offering a £1,000 reward for
0:25:50 > 0:25:52'information leading to an arrest.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56'Now, these pirate recordings do not only feature the lovable alien,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59'there's also a rather bizarre intermission featuring
0:25:59 > 0:26:02'a conventionally pretty young lady.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04'Maybe you know the young lady involved,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07'or maybe you recognise the room where she's modelling...'
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Holy Mother of God!
0:26:09 > 0:26:10PHONE RINGS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Hello? Stanford 4163.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Sorry, he's out, Walshy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You'll have to calm down, I can't understand a word you're saying.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22'Walshy was on the warpath.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24'He'd seen Police Five and was threatening to sack us all
0:26:24 > 0:26:27'first thing Monday. So, not only did I have to torch
0:26:27 > 0:26:29'the entire fucking pirate ET stock,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31'I had to call Ronnie Farrell and explain why
0:26:31 > 0:26:33'he had to collect his equipment immediately.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36'He took it reasonably well, for a dangerous sociopath.'
0:26:36 > 0:26:40200 I've already paid you, plus 100 for the inconvenience.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Fair enough.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46And finally there's a hire fee for using my equipment
0:26:46 > 0:26:48without my permission.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Sorry, what's that?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Another 200.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55But, somehow, come Monday morning we still had our jobs.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Right, what the fuck has been going on in...!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01What are you going on about?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04What? I saw Police fucking Five.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Have you been out in the sun a bit too much this weekend, Tony?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Tony, your wife called. I told her you were busy hunting
0:27:09 > 0:27:12for topless models. But she said call her back immediately.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Looks like someone should "phone home."
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I'll take it downstairs.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I know you pricks have been up to something.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, this came for you, Martin.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Oh, the conniving little shit!
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- She must have done a background check on me!- What's happened?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33It's a demand from the tax office for unpaid national insurance.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34230 quid!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Ha, that'll teach ya. There's always hidden costs
0:27:37 > 0:27:40when you finger-bang old grannies over the bins.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Really, you should be paying this, Vincent.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Oh, I would, mate, but I've told you, I'm a conscientious objector when it comes to tax.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47- BRENDAN:- Where's that weaseley wee cunt?!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Is that Fitzpatrick you're after, Brendan?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Listen, I will pay your tax bill, OK?
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Just don't tell him I'm up here.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I'll pay it myself, mate, this'll be a lot more fun.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58He's up here, Brendan!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Nobody makes money out of my daughter's tits except me.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06- Come here! I'll kill you, you thieving bastard.- No!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# As I lie here, thinking of you
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# I realise that nothing is new
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Lying in bed
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Thinking of you
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# I realise
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Nothing is new
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# You say you love me
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# But you want success
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# I say you're lying
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# Nothing has changed
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# This is the sign of the times... #