0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I can't hold it in. I really need to go, Dad.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- I'll pull over.- No, I don't want to go in the bushes.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13We're miles away from a pub, so you're going to have to.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- Please, Dad!- All right, try and take your mind off it.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- Ask me a question.- Like what?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Anything you want.- OK.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20How do you sleep at night?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23What is that supposed to mean?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Mark Wilson's dad asked me. He said you rip people off,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29selling them expensive windows and getting them in debt.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Well, the next time you see him,
0:00:31 > 0:00:32tell him your old dad sleeps just fine
0:00:32 > 0:00:35and he can go fuck himself, the jealous prick.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Really? Excellent.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Actually, don't say that, all right?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Is it true, though? Do you get people in debt?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Look, Rob, I sell windows -
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and a lot of fucking windows, I might add -
0:00:46 > 0:00:48to people all over our town.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I don't put a gun to their head. They want to buy from me.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Can they always afford it? Probably not, but as far as I know
0:00:55 > 0:00:58it's not illegal to sell things to people just cos they're too stupid
0:00:58 > 0:00:59to know if they can afford them.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I think that is illegal. I saw it on World in Action.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- Really?- Yeah.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Dad, I've got to go now!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09All right, let me pull over.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What's here? Why are you stopping here?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- Just nip in that hedge. - But it's a poo.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18No-one's coming, Rob, they're not going to see you.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19What about wiping my bum?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Here you go.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Dad, what are these?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Better than Andrex.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Set the world right
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# Find us a dream that don't ask no questions... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I'm arriving at base now, Gremlin,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47but if you could keep an eye on that traffic for me
0:01:47 > 0:01:49it'd be much appreciated. Over.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52'There's a Kojak with a Kodak on the A13 flyover.'
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Thanks, Gremlin. I've got some earwiggers on the horizon
0:01:55 > 0:01:56so I'm out for now, good buddy.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59'Roger-rodge. 10-10.'
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Here he is. Smokey and the Bum Bandit.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Morning, Rubber Ducky.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Yep, very good.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07OK, let's do this properly - who or what is a Gremlin?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09He's a mate.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11And his name's actually Gremlin?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14No, that's his handle. It's like a CB nickname.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And your handle is...?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Nice try, but save your breath, I'm not embarrassed about this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Good for you. And your handle is...?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Widow Maker.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28That is superb.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30HE CHUCKLES
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- So is this a new CB radio? - Obviously.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Treated myself to a rig for the car - Tri-Star, dual bandwidth,
0:02:36 > 0:02:4048 channels, complete with mag-mounted DV27 antennae.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Basically it's a monster.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44You said that like we're supposed to give a shit.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yeah, well, you should. Pretty soon you'll be wondering
0:02:47 > 0:02:49how you ever lived without one of these babies.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Other than for pretending you're in the Dukes of Hazzard
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I'm struggling to think of a single use for it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Pre-ordering a prossie to murder at the next truck stop?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Two uses.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Luddites.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Aw, don't be like that, Widow Maker!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Come on!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05'He was right about one thing -
0:03:05 > 0:03:07'we couldn't live without one of those babies.'
0:03:07 > 0:03:09So we got a cheap rig, secretly installed it in Walshy's office
0:03:09 > 0:03:11and roped in Carol,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13who as well as being Britain's lousiest receptionist
0:03:13 > 0:03:15had a genuine talent for mimicry.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Breaker breakers, this is the Sexy Elf.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Any takers?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Is that all right?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Now, your average CB enthusiast is male, lives with his mum and
0:03:23 > 0:03:26is about as likely to drive a truck as he is to have lost his cherry.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28As soon as the Elf hit the airwaves,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31they were practically rutting one another for her attention.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- '10-2, Sexy Elf, this is Wheelnut reading you wall-to-wall.'- Wheelnut!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36'Where've you been all my life, Sexy Elf?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38'This is The Beastmaster sending out 3s and 8s.'
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- STATIC - 'Fancy an eyeball, Elf?'
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- STATIC - 'Hey, Elf, ignore these prairie dogs,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44'let's knock it up 10 for a one-to-one.'
0:03:44 > 0:03:45- STATIC - 'I've got no trousers on.'
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Eventually she hooked the big one.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48STATIC
0:03:48 > 0:03:51'Afternoon, Elf, this is the Widow Maker. What's your 10-20?'
0:03:51 > 0:03:5310-20... Location.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Hi, Widow Maker. I'm approaching Chelmsford town centre, on a bus.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- 'You're on a bus?'- Fuck me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02It's called improvising.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I'm driving a bus.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08'A bus driver. You sound like my kind of sexy elf.'
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And you sound dangerous, Widow Maker.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12'Really?'
0:04:12 > 0:04:15As in mysterious. Not like a rapist.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17'After an hour of some fairly horrific flirting,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20'the Widow Maker finally worked up the bottle to ask the Elf on a date.'
0:04:20 > 0:04:24'Tri-Star, 48 channels. Dual bandwidth.'
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Ooh! Impressive kit.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I'd love to see it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30'And after that maybe I'll show you my CB radio too.'
0:04:30 > 0:04:31SHE LAUGHS
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36'I'm up for an eyeball if you are?'
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Eyeball?- Eyeball...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That's a meet-up. Jackpot.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44That's a relief. I thought I was going to have to flash my chuff.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah, why not, Widow Maker?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50'They fixed up to meet later that night at Thorndon Country Park.'
0:04:50 > 0:04:51This is The Widow Maker.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55I'm 10-8 at the 10-20. I think I can see you, Sexy Elf.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Widow Maker, meet the Sexy Elf.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Fancy seeing you here, good buddy.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09THEY LAUGH
0:05:09 > 0:05:11'Now we'd lit the fuse,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'it was time to stand back and watch the fireworks.'
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You cunts!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19'Only Fitzpatrick didn't explode - it was far worse than that.'
0:05:19 > 0:05:22HE SOBS
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Oh, God!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Look at me.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35'It turns out that Fitzpatrick's home life was a living hell.'
0:05:35 > 0:05:38He'd married his childhood sweetheart, Maureen, when he was 18
0:05:38 > 0:05:40but over the years she'd put on a tonne of weight
0:05:40 > 0:05:42due to an underactive thyroid gland.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45This, combined with the realisation that she had to live with
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Fitzpatrick for the rest of her miserable life had made her
0:05:47 > 0:05:50clinically depressed and, lately, even physically abusive.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Why don't you just do everyone a big favour, yeah, and fuck off?!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Go on, fuck off!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Go on, fuck off down to the shed, you little sad bastard.- Maureen!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- The neighbours!- Your jumper's shit!
0:06:03 > 0:06:04DOOR SLAMS
0:06:06 > 0:06:09The closest thing he had to a social life was us
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and the complete tools he befriended on CB radio.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Breaker breaker, this is the Widow Maker.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I can't leave her. I'm all she's got.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Man, that's rough.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I feel terrible now, Brian.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Can I give you a hand job at least, to say sorry?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Jesus, Carol.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31No, you're all right.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34'Now it was awkward and weird. To be perfectly honest with you,
0:06:34 > 0:06:35'I'd actually forgotten he was married.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40'And not solely because he'd barely uttered a word about Thyroid in the year I'd known him.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42'It was more down to the fact that whenever
0:06:42 > 0:06:46'I laid on treats for the team, he went at it like a man possessed.'
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Oh, yeah! Oh, Mummy.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51'Frankly it was off-putting for the rest of us'
0:06:51 > 0:06:53That's top quality.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54HE GRUNTS
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, I'm going to sell even more fucking windows next week.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00'Anyway, after the CB awkwardness,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03'I had to placate Fitzpatrick in the only way I knew how.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05'Only this time he was exiled to conduct his nasty business
0:07:05 > 0:07:07'behind closed doors.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10'In this instance, Walshy's office door.'
0:07:10 > 0:07:11That's it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14'It still sounded like someone was mating a gorilla upstairs, but that
0:07:14 > 0:07:18'was a vast improvement on actually seeing his ratty little sex face.'
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Yeah, oh, woman. Big Brian needs woman. Oh, yeah!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25'Unfortunately this venue change for Fitzpatrick's depravity
0:07:25 > 0:07:26'didn't go unnoticed.'
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Vincent, you cunt!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- You're not going to... - Get up here!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Just excuse me one minute.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You disgusting pig, Vincent!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42I've got a meeting in 20 minutes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47I've got a bum stain on my desk and a rubber Johnny in my fucking bin!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49'Much like the derriere that left its mark on Walshy's desk,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52'I didn't mind taking a pounding for the sake of Fitzpatrick's morale.'
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Whose bum is this, for Christ's sake?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Morning, homo sapiens. Emphasis on the homo.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So unnecessary.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04'Pretty soon Fitzpatrick was back to his cocky, old unpleasant self.'
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Now that's what you call man management.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10'And seeing as I'd already taken a bollocking for the misuse
0:08:10 > 0:08:12'of Walshy's office, I figured I might as well commit the crime.'
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Come here, you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I do hope you're going to brush your teeth
0:08:24 > 0:08:27before you teach my second born.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You're unbelievable. Do you talk like that to Sam?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32OK, let's get one thing straight. You don't mention her name.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What, so you can make jokes about me teaching Robbie,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35but she's off limits?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It's only been 20 seconds since my dick was inside you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41It's too soon. Don't make a big fucking deal about it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, so when is it acceptable to mention her, then?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I need some guidelines.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Half an hour after a shag?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Ten minutes after a blowie?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Five for fingering?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53OK. I'm sorry for being touchy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Just...don't mention fingering. You know it turns me on.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03No, we can't, I'm late enough.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I've still got to prepare the classroom, and floss my teeth.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh. Hello, Miss Lyndsey.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, hi, Mrs Swan.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Shouldn't you be somewhere else?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Sports day training this afternoon, so I get a long lunch.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Having said that, I'd better dash.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Bye.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Hello, gorgeous. What a lovely surprise.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I want a word with you. Upstairs. Now.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Yeah?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39What's she doing here?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Getting her hair cut. What do you think?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44She wanted to speak to someone about windows.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- On her lunch break?- It certainly beats dragging the whole class
0:09:47 > 0:09:49down here during lesson time.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Don't get fucking smart with me, Vincent.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I've already had Boring Anne from next door take great fucking pleasure
0:09:54 > 0:09:56in telling me how she saw you two driving through town together.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00And now this. You'd better not be screwing our son's schoolteacher.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Jesus, Sam, calm down. I didn't even know you were being serious.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Of course I'm not fucking Robbie's teacher.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06If I find out you're lying to me...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I'm not lying to you, baby.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Look, I gave her a lift home from the musical. One time.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13She started telling me about how her mum wanted a new conservatory,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I said pop in. That was it. I was chasing a lead.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, just fucking think about how it looks before you start
0:10:21 > 0:10:24gallivanting around town with our son's pretty, young teacher.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Miss Lyndsey, pretty?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I hadn't noticed.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29You're such an arsehole.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Come here.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32PHONE RINGS
0:10:32 > 0:10:33One sec.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Yeah.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37'Vince, some bird's on the line.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'Says she's the editor of the local paper. She wants to talk to you.'
0:10:40 > 0:10:42You'd better stick her through.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Vincent Swan speaking.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45'Hello, Mr Swan?'
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Please, call me Vincent.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48'Now guess which handsome silver-tongued devil
0:10:48 > 0:10:51'has just been shortlisted for a prestigious business award?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54'That's the editor of the Essex Chronicle on the phone
0:10:54 > 0:10:55'giving me the good news.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58'In their infinite wisdom, her readers have nominated yours truly
0:10:58 > 0:11:00'as their Entrepreneur of the Year.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:04I've always taken great pride in my rapport with my clients but this...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Well, it's an honour.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08'I think you should try and attend the awards ceremony
0:11:08 > 0:11:10'later this month. Seats are £100 a head...'
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Well, I think we'll take a whole table, then, shall we?
0:11:13 > 0:11:14CHEERING
0:11:14 > 0:11:16'I wanted the whole team there to witness my finest hour.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19'I even invited Fitzpatrick's miserable wife.'
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And bring Thyroid. She could do with a night out.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Do you mean Maureen? - Oh, yeah, sorry, Maureen.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30'This palatial abode is the house that Vincent Swan paid for.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32'Unfortunately, it belongs to Walshy.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35'Ironically the more money I make for him, the less time
0:11:35 > 0:11:37'he spends doing any actual work.'
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Walshy, my old mucker.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41This can't be good fucking news.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43'Tony was his usual bountiful self.'
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Bollocks.- The publicity alone will be worth it.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Do me a favour, the publicity's free.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You've already delivered me that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53What you're asking is will I shell out 800 quid on a steak dinner
0:11:53 > 0:11:56to watch you being an unbearably smug wanker?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Errr... No.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Well, if that's your attitude
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I'll pay for a table myself, you tight prick.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Close the gate on your way out.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09'I spent the next few weeks making sure that as many people as possible
0:12:09 > 0:12:11'knew about my impending glory.'
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I even laid out another 500 quid on this understated advertorial.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20You have a lovely day.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22No, no, the pleasure's all mine.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23All right, ta.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You look like the cat that got the cream sucked out of his balls.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30That was the editor of The Chronicle.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33She said it wouldn't be a terrible idea if I started preparing a speech.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36How about, "Dear mentals in charge of voting,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"thank you for collectively losing your minds."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42It sounds like you're a shoe-in, boss.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It certainly fucking does.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51'My big night arrived - the Essex Prestige Awards dinner.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53'Although looking at my fellow attendees, you'd have thought
0:12:53 > 0:12:56'I'd wandered into a convention for the Boring and Ugly Society.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58'Everywhere you looked there were horrors -
0:12:58 > 0:13:01'fat, sweaty messes of men with bad hair, bad suits
0:13:01 > 0:13:03'and tired-looking wives.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04'With one notable exception.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13'Sam looked absolutely stunning,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16'like a Hollywood film star from the '50s.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21'A film star who'd accidently been dropped off at a two-star hotel function room somewhere in Essex.'
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Sensational, isn't she?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I get a boner just knowing every man in here would crawl naked
0:13:27 > 0:13:30over broken glass smeared in leopard shit to sniff the sweaty nutsack
0:13:30 > 0:13:32of the man who takes her to bed every night.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Ah, Vincent Swan.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Who did you pay off at The Chronicle to get an invite?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38No-one, as you'll find out later.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Have you met my gorgeous wife Sam?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44My pleasure. I'm looking, but I don't see the white stick?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45THEY CHUCKLE
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, well, my sight came back a year after we were married
0:13:48 > 0:13:50but by then it was too late.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52So how do you boys know each other?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Old golfing buddies.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Vincent applied for a job with me but it wasn't a good fit.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58A bit like that suit.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Must be hard being between children's and grown-up sizes, eh?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Sam.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05If you ever need a job, give me a call.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08We're always on the lookout for the right type of people at Millman Young.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10And who's this beauty?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I take it you paid her to be your escort for the night?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Very good. No, this is my wife, Belinda.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Belinda. Lovely to meet you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19And here's my card.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22If you ever need a man that isn't three inches shorter than average
0:14:22 > 0:14:24in every department, give me a call.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25See you later, little prick.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Vincent!- Sometimes you gotta call a little prick a little prick.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Do you want to go and join the others? I'll be over in a minute.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Hi, Carol.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Ah, Mr Mayor. Vincent Swan, Cachet Windows.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Now I do hope Grandad hasn't been boring the tits off you...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46So, what did you do before you joined Cachet, Martin?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I was in bands. Do you know Paul Young?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Sorry, not really.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Neither does he any more.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55He got dumped from his band before they had a number one hit.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I wasn't dumped. I left. To get a proper job.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01And now you work for Tony?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04No, it's fine. Performing to millions on Top Of The Pops
0:15:04 > 0:15:07didn't really appeal to me. I much prefer the high-octane thrill
0:15:07 > 0:15:11of an awards dinner in a Ramada hotel on the edge of Chelmsford.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I don't meet many ex-musicians.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Technically he's not an ex, he's a failed musician.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19He can still play an instrument, it's just no-one wants him to.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21And technically you're a bell-end, aren't you?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Right, does anyone apart from Fitzpatrick want a drink?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'm just going to the bar.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27I'm all right, thanks, love.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Can I have a snakebite, please?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Classy. Thy... Maureen?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32A double.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34A double of...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Of...anything that will take the edge off.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Righty-ho. Sam?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39No, I'm good, thanks.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'll have a pint, please, Lavatory.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Good to know. You can get it yourself.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Come on, if you're going.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'm going, but just so that you're clear,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm definitely not bringing you back a pint.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Don't be a dick!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53So, Maureen, How did you and Brian meet?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I can't remember.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Really? Well, I remember exactly the day I met Vincent.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01It was nine months before Nat was born.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Really, it was!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04I think you call that a hole in one.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I don't know how you find the time to raise kids and teach.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Oh, I'm not a teacher.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, sorry.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I could've sworn Brian said you were your son's teacher.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17My mistake. Must've been talking about another Vincent.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Actually, you know what?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I think I do fancy that drink after all. Excuse me.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Still here?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Hello. Hello? Mate, sorry, could I?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Two pints of lager, please.- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Mate, come on, he's literally just got here.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39There's got to be some semblance of an order?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Hi, could I get a pint of lager and a glass of red wine, please?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43- Make it a large one.- Cool.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Just taking the piss now.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Cheers.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh, hi, Sam.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yeah, sorry, I'll get these.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Yeah, I know you will.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I'm just making sure we get served before last orders.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Yeah, good call.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Turns out I've got the bar presence of the invisible man.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02So this must seem a far cry from hanging out with pop stars.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I was in the band of an "about to pop" star.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It wasn't really that glamourous.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07You must miss it, though?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yeah, a bit, especially on nights like this.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13There was a stage I was playing to a room this size,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15now I'm making small talk with Fitzpatrick and Thyroid...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Sorry, Maureen.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Thyroid?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23She had a thyroid problem, it affected her weight.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Sorry, that sounded mean.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Yeah, that's quite mean.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28But no need to apologise.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I can't stand the rude, fat bitch.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34She is a charmer, isn't she? Why, what's she said to upset you?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Nothing I can't handle.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your tables.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Dinner will be served in five minutes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Right, well, better get back, then, before Thyroid swipes our starters.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45HE LAUGHS
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Shouldn't you be sitting next to Vincent?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oh, sorry. I could always move Thyroid back if you'd rather?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Nah. More wine?- Yeah, please.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I think there's been a mix-up. You're supposed to be over here.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'm all right where I am, thank you very much.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Babe, I want you over here, next to me.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And I want you to be less of a shitbag husband
0:18:10 > 0:18:13but we can't always have what we want in life, can we?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Right.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20So, Maureen, it looks like you're my neighbour tonight.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22So where's Brian been hiding you this past year, eh?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25He's ashamed of my size, so he pretends I don't exist.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And I'm disappointed with his choice of profession and sexual impotence,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32so it swings both ways, doesn't it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Please, Maureen.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Right, who wants some bubbly?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh, yeah, before we get stuck in
0:18:37 > 0:18:39can we just establish how we're splitting the bill?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I'm not really a champagne drinker, so I might as well get my own.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It's all right, Scrooge McFuck, this is my treat,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47a thank you to everyone who made it all possible - and you.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Excuse me, sweetheart, who do I have to suck off around here to get
0:18:50 > 0:18:52a bottle of your finest champagne?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, and a snakebite, please.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Ta.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59'Thyroid continued to be the life and soul of the evening.'
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Even though we couldn't have kids
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I always knew Brian would be a very disappointing father.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07MUSIC: Enola Gay by OMD
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Excuse me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13That is overdone. All right? Take it away.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I want to eat it, not re-sole my shoe with it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Don't take this the wrong way, Carol, but you remind me of a dog.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'Eventually I excused myself from the feast of fun
0:19:28 > 0:19:30'and went to prepare for my acceptance speech.'
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Thank you for this unexpected honour...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34HE SNORTS
0:19:37 > 0:19:38'I hadn't actually prepared a speech,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41'but after a quick session with my favourite aide-memoire,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43'I felt certain I could find the words.'
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Ladies and gentlemen,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51can you give a warm welcome to your host for the awards this evening,
0:19:51 > 0:19:55managing editor of The Essex Chronicle, Miss Sharon Webb.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57APPLAUSE
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Good evening.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Or should I say, good year, for what a year it's been for
0:20:07 > 0:20:12the companies and business leaders of Essex gathered here tonight.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Without further ado we're moving straight onto
0:20:14 > 0:20:18tonight's opening category, Entrepreneur of the Year,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22sponsored by Mr Rossi's Ice Cream of Southend-on-Sea.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Mucho grazie, Mr Rossi.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25CHEERING
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Now, the first winner of this award is someone who's taken
0:20:27 > 0:20:32a fledgling sales team in southwest Essex and recorded record profits
0:20:32 > 0:20:35in their business's first year of trading,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40a man whose employees have described as an inspirational leader,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44his clients have called him impressive,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46trustworthy and charming.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Ladies and gentleman, please give a huge congratulations
0:20:50 > 0:20:54to the winner of the Essex Prestige Awards'
0:20:54 > 0:20:56first ever Entrepreneur of the Year,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Mr Andrew Davies of Millman Young Publishing.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Sorry, Sharon, it looks like someone's had a bit too much sauce with their steak.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Has anyone lost a child? He's on stage if you'd like to collect him.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Sorry, who are you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Vincent Swan. Entrepreneur of the year. Keep up.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I think there's been a mix-up.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27This is our Entrepreneur of the Year - Mr Andrew Davies,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29from Millman Young Publishing.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Please leave the stage.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I think someone had a bit too much icing sugar on their profiteroles.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Let's keep this dignified.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38ANDREW LAUGHS
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Well, that's the magic of live television, I guess!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Maybe next year we don't give a table to Alcoholics Anonymous.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I'd just like to say I'm very honoured
0:21:48 > 0:21:51and appreciative of this award. I'd like to start by thanking...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53BRIAN LAUGHS
0:21:58 > 0:22:01What's so fucking funny, Brian?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04That... That went better than how I imagined.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06What went better?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07I'm really sorry, Vincent.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I didn't think he'd take it this far.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Wait. You had something to do with this?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Vincent Swan, meet Sharon Webb.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- "SHARON" VOICE:- Hello, Vincent.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22You cunts.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Who's the king of pranks now, then, eh?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You were never up for an award, you silly tosser.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Do you know how much I've spunked on this table
0:22:33 > 0:22:34and that fucking advertorial?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yeah, well, if you play with the big boys, them's the stakes.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39HE LAUGHS
0:22:39 > 0:22:41For the record, I had no idea about this, mate.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Never mind, Vincent, at least we had a nice steak out of it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Cor blimey! If I'd known it was going to be this entertaining
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I'd have paid for dinner myself.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Shut up, you wally!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You're fired.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57All right, let's call a truce on the pranks now, shall we?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59No, read my lips. You're fucking sacked.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Whatever you say, boss(!)
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Walshy will finish up with you next week.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07It'll be minus whatever the fuck I've laid out feeding you and Little Miss Sunshine over there.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Seriously?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12All right, so you can...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15You can dish it out but you can't take it? Is that what this is?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Walshy, he can't sack me for that. Tell him.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yeah, look, maybe we should all calm down
0:23:21 > 0:23:22and pick this up in the morning, eh?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25No, you make a decision right now, Tony. It's me or him.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Well?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Sorry, Brian. This isn't down to me.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Unbelievable.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38It was only a joke.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Right. Come on, Sam.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Sam, tell him it was a joke.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I didn't know he was going to go on the stage.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47They didn't even call his name out.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Ah, Mr Swan! It's Miss Barnes from the tax office.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- Not now.- Congratulations on your meteoric rise from gardener to
0:23:58 > 0:24:00award-nominated sales superstar.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Not now!- The funny thing is, I'd completely given up the ghost
0:24:03 > 0:24:06until this shameful piece of self-promotion landed in my lap.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Vincent, who is this? What's she talking about?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Why don't you save me the Lieutenant Columbo bollocks
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- and do what you've come to do. - I would be delighted.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Vincent Swan, I have here a demand for unpaid tax
0:24:16 > 0:24:18for the last 12 months.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Given that you were kind enough to publish details of your sales performance, we've estimated
0:24:22 > 0:24:27that you currently owe us £50,000 in unpaid tax and fines.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29You will find details in this document.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Have a wonderful evening.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- Another secret you were hoping I'd never find out about.- Fucking hell.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Don't walk away from me, Vincent.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Vincent!
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Are you going to say anything?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I'll sort it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56How? How does it get sorted, Vincent? Eh?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Are you going to find 50 grand down the back of the sofa?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Like I always do - on my own.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02This isn't a game, Vincent.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05It's not another one of your showroom pranks.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It's £50,000.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09We could lose our house, everything.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Will you slow down?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I don't remember you being so concerned about my tax affairs
0:25:15 > 0:25:17while you were out fucking spending all over the place.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Fucking hell, that is pathetic, even for a scumbag like you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25OK, will you stop speaking to me like I'm some sort of a cunt, please?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Well, it's hard not to, Vincent,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28when you behave like such a fucking cunt all the time.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31There's a line, Sam, that's all I'm saying, all right?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33There's only so much I can take.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36A line you crossed by fucking our son's schoolteacher.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Fucking hell!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41She wanted a conservatory.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44We've been through this. Nothing happened.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I just wish you had the fucking bollocks to admit it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I mean, I've always known you were a fucking piece of shit,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58but what's Robbie going to think, eh?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00What kind of father does that make you?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06All right, fine.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07I am sleeping with her.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Is that better?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Why?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Why would you do that to us, Vincent?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Just go inside, Sam. I can't do this tonight.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28You fucking piece of shit.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You fucking useless, fucking cunt!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33SHE SOBS
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Just go inside.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Where are you going to fucking go, eh?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You go back to that fucking whore tonight,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43don't you ever come back here, Vincent.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Fuck you.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56MUSIC: Waiting For A Girl Like You by Foreigner
0:27:05 > 0:27:07SHE SOBS
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# So long
0:27:15 > 0:27:20# I've been looking too hard I've been waiting too long
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# Sometimes I don't know what I will find
0:27:25 > 0:27:29# I only know it's a matter of time
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# When you love someone
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# When you love someone
0:27:39 > 0:27:43# It feels so right, so warm and true
0:27:43 > 0:27:48# I need to know if you feel it too
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# Maybe I'm wrong
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# This heart of mine has been hurt before... #