0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour
0:00:10 > 0:00:13The most important thing for you kids to know is that this divorce is not your fault.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Agreed. It's definitely not your fault.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Whose fault is it then? - Doesn't have to be anyone's fault, you know?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I just want to know who to blame for ruining my life.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I mean what if a mum - or let's say a dad - had an affair -
0:00:22 > 0:00:24would the divorce be all their fault?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- No.- Yes! It bloody well would! - Do not be bitter in front of the children, remember?- Sorry.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Look, sweetheart, there are loads of reasons why couples break up.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Yeah, just not in this case.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35I'm not a mug, Dad. I've had enough of your crap.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Robbie. You all right, mate?
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Rob, it's really important, babe, that you share all of your feelings
0:00:44 > 0:00:46in regards to the break-up of your family.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Tell him, Vincent.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Do you know what I think would make you feel a lot better
0:00:50 > 0:00:54about this divorce? How about an Atari games console?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Oh, yes, please! Skills!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59The book says not to bribe.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Books are overrated.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I feel better now. Thanks, Dad.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Right, well, I shall be on my way.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Why do you always have to be such an arsehole?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Because without arseholes, Samantha, shit would never get done.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Sometimes when a Mum and a Dad fall out of love,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23it's better for everyone if they stop being husband and wife
0:01:23 > 0:01:24and start living in different houses.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Which is why I now live in a flat Ronnie Farrell used to rent out
0:01:27 > 0:01:29to a dominatrix.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33BUZZER
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Hello.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Is Mistress Trixie available?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Mistress Trixie doesn't live here any more, all right.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Oh, OK. Who does then?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Look, mate, I'm really not in the mood for this.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Why not?- Why not?!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Because I'm getting divorced.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Because I owe the taxman 50 fucking grand.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Because I've gone from being salesman of the century
0:01:55 > 0:01:57to a schlub who can't sell shit.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00But mainly because I spend my entire fucking life on this phone
0:02:00 > 0:02:01talking to perverts like you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I'm sorry, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07You don't fancy 20 quid and let me fuck you hard up the arse, do ya?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Come on, mate, have some fucking decency, yes?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Tenner for a blowjob? - I'm hanging up.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
0:02:22 > 0:02:25You have two new messages.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28'Oh, hello, Mr Swan. My name's Emma Lyndsey.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32'My neighbours have been complaining about the cries of passion
0:02:32 > 0:02:35'and ecstasy coming from my bedroom, so I was hoping you could pop over
0:02:35 > 0:02:37'and soundproof my windows.'
0:02:37 > 0:02:42A double glazing-based sex fantasy. She's a keeper.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46'Mr Swan. It's Abigail Barnes, your favourite government employee here.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50'Just a call to let you know we've fixed a date for your case hearing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'May 29th.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54'So that's a whole six weeks to come up with £50,000.'
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Fuck. Fucking fuck! - 'Have a nice day.'
0:02:58 > 0:02:59BUZZER
0:03:02 > 0:03:03What now?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Vincent? It's Brian. Can I come up?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11This place is nice.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Let's cut the small talk bollocks. Why are you here?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Look, I just came round to try and make things right between us.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And before you say anything, I'm not trying to get my job back.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Good, because you're not fucking getting it back. Ever.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Like I said, just...
0:03:24 > 0:03:29came to apologise and hopefully in time you'll be able to forgive me.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31So...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33thanks for listening.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Right. Well, off you fuck then.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Right.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, there was one more thing,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44would it be all right if I pop by the showroom, just to pick up
0:03:44 > 0:03:47a few bits and pieces, say goodbye to the team properly?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No-one gives a shit about you but it's a free country.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Thanks, Vincent.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Good night mate, ah...
0:03:56 > 0:04:01With its haunting aroma of stale sex and 24-hour pervert hotline,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Trixie's flat felt like purgatory. I had to get out.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It was so bad that even a sofa that smelt of Walshy's
0:04:09 > 0:04:10arse-crack felt like an upgrade.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Hello? Hello?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Shit! Fucking Walshy.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Hello?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I'm coming up. I warn you!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I'm armed!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I guess I could've told Walshy I was sleeping in the office
0:04:35 > 0:04:37but if you're about to tap someone up for 50 grand,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40it's probably best not to do it in last night's piss stained Y-fronts.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Fucking hell, Vincent! You could knock...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Sorry, Mum, but before you send me to my room, I'm getting straight to the point.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49It's about time you made me a partner.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And don't give me any grief, all right.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52I've already made you a mint.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- No, no, I think you being a partner's a great idea.- Yeah?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Too right. Have a seat.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I've been looking for someone to invest in the business.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03How much were you thinking of putting in?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06More like what I was looking to take out. Namely, me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08See, I was thinking to keep me motivated
0:05:08 > 0:05:10for the foreseeable future,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13the business could invest in me to the tune of 50 grand.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14How does that sound?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Un-fucking likely. You're not going to quit and we both know it.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20What we both do know is without me you'd have lost
0:05:20 > 0:05:22that disgusting shirt on your hairy fucking back by now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25That was before your recent personal problems.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You ain't selling shit at the moment, boy.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Sales have dipped, granted,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33but that's more due to a downturn in consumer confidence,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34- market forces.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36You tell yourself whatever bollocks you like,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40bottom line is our consumers have lost confidence in you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So unless you start selling windows for me,
0:05:43 > 0:05:48the only thing you'll get from me is a fucking P-45!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Now, are we done here?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I need a shit.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58How come you look so fucking cheerful?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Guess who just reeled in a big one?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Congrats, mate.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04What was it, your first conservatory?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Bit bigger, and smells of piss more.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08You've lost me.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I've just landed us the contract for the refurbishment
0:06:11 > 0:06:13of the old people's home on Wickford Road.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Fucking 42 windows and 12 doors.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18This old mate of mine from Chelmsford Grammar
0:06:18 > 0:06:21works for the council and he made sure the order came our way.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Fuck me. That's incredible news.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26If this goes well we could end up on the council's list of approved suppliers.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I'll go give Walshy the glad tidings.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Hold your horses.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Now, congrats on the Old Girls network coming through,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34but strictly speaking this is a commercial deal,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and as such it has to go through the commercial sales arm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What? What fucking commercial sales arm?!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43No-one's ever mentioned a commercial sales arm.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Vincent Swan, head of commercial sales at your service.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Now, don't worry, I'll make sure you get a nice finders bonus.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I'd better go give Walshy the glad tidings.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54And look, mate, I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I know, I do make the rules.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And that was a dick move. Even for me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Walshy! Stop tugging on that pencil dick and prepare to be happy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Hello, Millman Young.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Hi, it's Sam Swan. I've got a meeting with Little Prick.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I mean, Andrew Davis.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Sorry, was that Andrew Davis?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Yeah, Andrew Davis
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- Come in.- OK.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Are you sure you should be here?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I told you, Vincent and I had a little sit down, cleared the air.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Now take a seat, Carol.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31In fact, Vincent practically begged me to come by
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and share with you my life-changing news.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35And I know you'll be amazed.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Please be a sex change.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Actually, no, this is better.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45My name is Brian Fitzpatrick and I used to be morbidly obese.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- No, you didn't.- Can I just finish the presentation,
0:07:48 > 0:07:49I'll answer questions afterwards?
0:07:49 > 0:07:54I'm ashamed to say that before you knew me I used to be a fat fuck,
0:07:54 > 0:07:59as you can see from this picture of me as a teenager.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, my God! You've lost so much weight.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02That's incredible!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04And grown a different face. That is incredible.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Can I have a closer look?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I think you'll find, Carol, that most of the Nature-Burn Community
0:08:09 > 0:08:11are unrecognisable once they lose the weight.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13You see, it's thanks to Nature-Burn's
0:08:13 > 0:08:16supply of vitamin supplements and diet pills
0:08:16 > 0:08:19that I became the slender man I am today.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20And always have been.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Well, look, here's a little advance on your commission.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That should keep the taxman off your back for a bit.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Well done to Cachet's Head Of Commercial Sales!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Who?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32What the fuck is going on, Brian?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Well, I just popped by to pick up a few things and then the guys
0:08:35 > 0:08:38started peppering me with questions about my new business venture.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40No, you said Vincent was begging you to tell us all
0:08:40 > 0:08:42about your life-changing news.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I think what we need to focus on here
0:08:44 > 0:08:46is that I have life-changing news.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47I've had enough of this place.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Hang on, I was just about tell you Nature-Burn's...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Shove your diet pills up your arse.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Well, unfortunately Nature-Burn don't do suppositories,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57but soon as they do, I'll happily shove them up my arse.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Martin, mate, hold up, let me buy you a pint.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03So, these diet pills work then? How much you charging?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05£30 for a month's supply.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09But I am running a one week's free trial to get people hooked...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I mean, to get them on the road to a healthier lifestyle.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I'm prepared to make that exclusive one-time offer
0:09:15 > 0:09:17exclusively to you, Tony.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19What about me?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, I'm prepared to make that exclusive one-time offer
0:09:22 > 0:09:24exclusively to you as well, Carol.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Oh.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Thank you.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31And one for you. We're celebrating.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Seriously, if you've just followed me here to wind me up...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34No, it's not like that.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I told you, I'm going to make sure you get your cut from this deal.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Just has to go through the right channels first.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41The right channel being your back pocket?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43No, mate, it's not like...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45You've got to be shitting me!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Congratulations, Sam.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49If you thought going on a date with Essex's answer to Jimmy Krankie
0:09:49 > 0:09:51would wind me up, you were right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Now, now, Vincent. This isn't a date as such.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'm happy to say I've just hired Sam as my new PA
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and this is a working lunch. We're talking about her new duties.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yeah, well, she doesn't need a fucking job
0:10:02 > 0:10:03so I suggest you look elsewhere!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Er, pipe down, Tarzan.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I'll be the one deciding if I need a job.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I can provide for my family, Sam.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Sorry about this, Andrew. I just need a minute, is that all right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19If you're such a great fucking provider
0:10:19 > 0:10:21then why did the building society call to say
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- that we're behind on the mortgage? - I'm sorting it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Save me the bullshit, Vincent.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You're not capable of sorting anything right now.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32So please fuck off before I lose the only source of income for my family.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Sorry about that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40We are not skint. Give that to the fucking building society!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I think they might prefer a cheque or a standing order, old chap.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Try and save some of that money, yeah?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46You've got Robbie for the day tomorrow
0:10:46 > 0:10:48and you'll need to buy him something for his tea.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Vincent? - Yes, I know! I stole your deal, OK?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56But I also said I would see you right,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00like I have done these previous ten months while you've sold jack shit,
0:11:00 > 0:11:04so please, stop fucking crying about it. Here.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12That husband of yours is tremendously entertaining.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Oi, shithead.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Those diet pills you're flogging.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25They're basically just speed, right?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28No way. I don't care what Esther fucking Rantzen said
0:11:28 > 0:11:32on That's Life, these are bona fide health supplements,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34not re-packaged Purple Hearts.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Well, I'm not buying any then.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36No, no, no, no, wait, hang on.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41All right, yeah, they're speed, but they're 100% pure
0:11:41 > 0:11:42and they're good shit.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Trust me, you'll be flying.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And boy did I need something to bring the old Vincent Swan mojo back.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51My whole shitting world was falling apart.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And it wasn't only Walshy and Little Prick taking advantage
0:11:53 > 0:11:55of my recent dip in performance.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56CAR HORN
0:11:56 > 0:11:57ENGINE REVS
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Brrm, brrm, mate!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Fuck. Things are worse than I thought.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Usually these zit-faced little fuckers would rue the day
0:12:03 > 0:12:05they yanked my chain. Not now.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Shit, they can literally smell the weakness pouring out of me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Mr Burglar?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Fuck.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Show yourself.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Come out whoever you are.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Hello?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Who's that?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Morning, Carol.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Jesus Christ.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Almost. It's me. You all right?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45You scared the shit out of me.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47The lights have just turned themselves off.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Must be the poltergeist. - The what?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Same thing happened to Walshy yesterday. The showroom's haunted.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It definitely smells like something died in here.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Sorry about that. Dodgy tum.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I think it's those diet pills.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Or maybe this place really is haunted.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Spirits, send us a sign.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Don't... - PHONE RINGS
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Hello? Yeah, this is Carol.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Oh, thank God, I thought you were a poltergeist.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Never mind. Yeah, he's here. One second.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's Sam. Really angry.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Shit. Robbie! Tell her I'm on my way.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Meanwhile recent events had driven Lavender
0:13:27 > 0:13:29back into the arms of an old flame.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Very good, so you were in Paul Young's band
0:13:32 > 0:13:34just before he made it big?
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Yeah. No, commercial success didn't really appeal to me.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, here in Ben Billing's band we're all about the music.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Now our bassist has broken his arm,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and we need a replacement for tonight's warm-up gig.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Then, and I don't know if you're up for this,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53we're going to be heading up north to tour to support the miners.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Love supporting the miners. "Support The Miners!"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I could well be interested in coming on the tour, thank you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Are you sure?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Because it's a very long commitment, and I'll be straight with you,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08last couple of gigs we've had some unwelcome attention
0:14:08 > 0:14:09from National Front thugs.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Sure. I am done working for The Man.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I mean, I've probably got to give The Man
0:14:15 > 0:14:18a couple of weeks' notice, but after that I'm ready to quit
0:14:18 > 0:14:20this town and get back on the fucking road.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Not to mention get back on the booze and the drugs and the groupies!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Well, I'm sober these days.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Yeah, I'm more hopped up on the notion
0:14:28 > 0:14:30of trying to change shit politically through music.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Yeah. Me too. That's what I meant.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Glad to hear it, comrade.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Your bloody pills are making me feel like shit.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Me too.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Can't be the pills. They've been scientifically tested.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45By scientists.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Maybe it's the showroom poltergeist?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It's not a ghost, Carol, it's his shitty pills.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51What's this low-life doing here?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Haven't you got a job or a park bench to get to?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55This is my job. Thank you very much.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58First client progress session, the daily weigh-in.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00As soon as we're done, I'll be out of your hair.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02We are done, mate.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I don't need a weigh-in to tell me I've lost 2st because
0:15:04 > 0:15:08that's how much shit has flown out of my arse in the past 24 hours!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11All right, let's keep things civil.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13You don't have to take the pills, Tony.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14They're a free trial,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18although you should know that there might be some withdrawal symptoms.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19What kind of fucking symptoms?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Shakes, headaches,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24a few of the old suicidal thoughts.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Should only last a couple of days. Week tops.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29OK. Walshy, a quick word?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Before you top yourself, can you forward me
0:15:30 > 0:15:33the rest of the commission on the retirement home?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Until the ink is dry on the contract Vincent,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39you've got two chances - no chance, and no fucking chance.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Now, would you all excuse me, please? I need a poo.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45All right, Carol, where's Lavender?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I need him to get the contract signed by his bum-chum down at the council.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- He's at the dentist all morning. - I'll do it myself.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Can you watch Robbie for a few hours?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56No can do. I'm meeting a white witch this afternoon.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Course you are.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I can do it. I'm doing fuck all.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04I mean, I could probably move a few clients around, make some space.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Really?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Tenner.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Christ.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09All right.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Look, Uncle Brian is going to keep an eye on you
0:16:14 > 0:16:16for a couple of hours, all right?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18What! I knew today was going to be boring.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Listen, my number one son, you'll get to spend some quality
0:16:21 > 0:16:24time with Daddy, straight after Daddy gets back from closing
0:16:24 > 0:16:26a big fucking deal with the man from the council.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Those Ataris don't grow on trees, you know.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33For the next hour, I'm going to forget my life's a shit-show
0:16:33 > 0:16:36and seal this fucking deal using the old Vincent Swan magic.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40First, I just might need some help from our old purple friends.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44It's show-time, folks!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I've been waiting two fucking hours!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Two fucking hours!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I told you, Mr Swan, you haven't booked an appointment.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Mr Osbourne is a busy man.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59- DOOR OPENS - Mr Swan?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Rick Osbourne? Vincent Swan, Cachet Windows Head Of Commercial Sales.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04I'm Martin Lavender's boss.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Sorry to barge in on you like this.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Really? Martin works for you?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Yeah. I see myself more as a mentor, a father figure.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Right, well, I'm actually on my way to another meeting right now
0:17:14 > 0:17:16so if you want to fix up an appointment with Sarah,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18we'll discuss this another time, OK?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Rick, I'll skip the foreplay and jump straight
0:17:20 > 0:17:21into the penetration then.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24We are very happy to be supplying windows to the old people's home
0:17:24 > 0:17:26but in order cut the lead-time we need to get the contract signed
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and the deposit paid.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30As I said, Mr Swan, talk to Sarah about an appointment.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- There's no hurry.- No, no, no, there is a big fucking hurry indeed.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Look, I have the contract here, so if you fancy signing it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Sorry, mate. Sweating like a pig.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44All right. I was dreading telling Martin this,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47but it's actually going to be a lot of fun telling you.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50There was an emergency council budget meeting last night.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52The bloodsuckers on the council finally got their way.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55We're closing the retirement home.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Makes more fiscal sense selling the land to a supermarket chain.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02So the deal's off, I'm afraid.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Fuck.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Well, that's tragic.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I know. The poor residents are being relocated
0:18:08 > 0:18:10to a council facility 17 miles away.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Fuck them, Rick. They're nearly dead. I'm 31!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15How am I going to pay my mortgage?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17You got any other high-end commercial deals
0:18:17 > 0:18:19you want to sling Lavender's way?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Eh? Rick? Please. Oh, come on, mate.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24The choice was simple,
0:18:24 > 0:18:28either sell the Swan family home or spend my 30s in debtors' prison.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30The way I saw it, they could always get rehoused,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33whereas I wouldn't be able to get a new arsehole.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Sarah, love, who do I have to sleep with around here
0:18:35 > 0:18:37to jump the waiting list for a council house?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40The mark-up on these, it's incredible.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What are you doing here?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I'm just baby-sitting young Robbie here.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46We've had a right laugh, haven't we, Robbie?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Uncle Fitzpatrick says I'm a bit on the chubby side
0:18:49 > 0:18:51so he gave me some of these.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52As a gift.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You can explain that to his mum.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Nice wheels.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04You're funny.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No, no, I'm serious. I always wanted a Chopper.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Ape-hanger handle-bars and the old suicide clutch. It's a classic.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Yeah, well, we're a bit short of cash so I had to sell my car...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18so, yeah, that's embarrassing.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Come on. I'll drive you guys home.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Or, better still, you drive you guys home
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and I'll take the Chopper.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27All right.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33He's mental.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34He is!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- A nutter. - What is he doing?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Honestly.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41What the fuck have you done, Vincent?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh, God!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Are you all right?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Oh, no. I think the suicide clutch has mangled my scrotum.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Oh, God, I'm sorry!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Why is the house for sale?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Just come inside.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I just wish that ball-bag Vincent could have told me about this first.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Could we leave ball-bags out the conversation for now, please?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Thank you. I've not had much to laugh about lately.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm glad my testicles could bring you some pleasure.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Who said chivalry was dead, eh?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Well, if you fancied a laugh that doesn't involve me
0:20:28 > 0:20:32being neutered, you're welcome to come to the left-wing agit rock gig
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'm playing in support of the miners tonight.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Whoa! Well, I mean, how could I resist?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41The best thing about having an affair with a 23-year-old
0:20:41 > 0:20:42is that whatever the problem...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Vincent?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45..sex is always the answer.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48# Sweet dreams are made of this
0:20:48 > 0:20:52# Who am I to disagree?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56# I travel the world and the seven seas
0:20:56 > 0:21:00# Everybody's looking for something... #
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Why my Dad is going to hell,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06to hell, to hell...
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Good boy, Robbie.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Don't call me Robbie!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I didn't call you Robbie.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Yes, you fucking did.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What are you doing?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Checking if my hands are pulsating. Fucking pills!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Oh, shit, I forgot about Robbie.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Thank you. Thanks very much.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25While I was ODing on sex and drugs,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Lavender was rekindling his rock and roll addiction.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Well done!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31That was a lot of fun.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I like to think it's a bit more important than that, Martin.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Yeah, of course, yeah. I was just being an idiot.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Yeah. - I thought it was a lot of fun too.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Sorry for enjoying myself.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45This is Sam. She's, erm... She's just kidding.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Well, the thing is, Sam,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I remember when this was a working-class town that would
0:21:50 > 0:21:52have found common cause with the striking miners.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Now it's all Thatcher's fucking children,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56buying their own council houses,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59bankrupting themselves with flash cars and shitty double-glazing.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03So I hope tonight wasn't so much fun as it was
0:22:03 > 0:22:06a much-needed lesson in social responsibility.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10And is it socially responsible to define people politically
0:22:10 > 0:22:11by what they buy?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Because I think it's socially irresponsible.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15And fucking patronising.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18If you played a gig for striking double-glazing salesmen,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I wonder how many miners would be in the audience to support them?
0:22:21 > 0:22:26Well, well, well. I see this lady is not for turning.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Lavender, you going to be on the tour bus tomorrow night?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Hell, yeah.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Great. Sam, pleasure sparring with you,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37but got some TUC Execs in so I'd better go say hello.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Sorry if that was a bit...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44He's just... He's just very committed.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Committed to being a pretentious twat?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Er, yes. He is 100% committed to that.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Another drink?- Yeah.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Oi, barman. We're going to need four bottles of Holsten here.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And now tell me we haven't missed that commie cunt Billings.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Oi, oi!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- Where is he? - Where's that fucking nonce?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12You're not like the other girls round here, really impressive, Sam.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14A real live-wire.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17All right, Ben. What happened to those TUC execs?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19They're just outside in the beer garden,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21waiting for an audience with Ben Billings, so...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23better not disappoint.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Shall we do one?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Oh, yes, please.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34All right, mate, you know that commie ponce Ben Billings?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I just saw him pop out into the garden if you're interested.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43He had it coming though.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Yeah. What a dick.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"You're a live-wire, Sam, seriously."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"Oh, thanks, Ben, you sexy activist."
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Is that meant to be me?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Yeah. Obviously. Hello.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00"Oh, Ben, do you want to come in for a coffee and a class struggle?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yeah, all right.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"I was joking, Ben. I am married."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You weren't being Ben, were you?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Do you want to come in?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20What about the kids?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21They'll be asleep.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Yeah, come on.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Get away from my wife, you arsehole!
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Gotcha!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Mate, you should have seen your fucking face, it was priceless.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39What the fuck are you doing here?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Look, I understand you're annoyed. I'm sorry I fucked up today.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44But I came to apologise and saw Robbie
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and he was like, "Can you stay with me and watch Minder?"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Do you know what, I panicked.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I'll take the house off the market tomorrow.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Sam?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Sam, come on, don't be like that!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I'm sorry for being a dick to you about that council job.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's already forgotten.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Robbie told me you brought him home and took Sam out to cheer her up.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You're taking care of my family better than I am at the moment.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Come on, mate. I know things are tough right now
0:25:26 > 0:25:28but you'll pull through.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Thank you.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Now, are you on the old diet pills because I've lost mine
0:25:34 > 0:25:37and I'm starting to shake like a fucking leaf right now.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Whoa, ooh, oh! Nobody wants you here.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Leave this place.
0:25:46 > 0:25:52Ooh, ahh, hello!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Whoa...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- What's happening?- It's an exorcism.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Don't worry, she's a professional white witch.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Oh, good, because just for a second there I was worried.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04There. It's gone.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06You shouldn't have any more trouble.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, thank God.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10If you do get any more problems with the lights then I'll get
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- my boyfriend round. - What is he a priest?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13No, he's an electrician.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Have you got a tenner? - For what?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18The witch services.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20We're paying her for this?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I can throw in a quick tarot reading as part of the price.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I sense a troubled soul in you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Tarot reading?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29No offence but if I want to appeal to a higher authority to get me
0:26:29 > 0:26:32out of this fucking hole, it'll be someone with more clout
0:26:32 > 0:26:35than a track-suit-wearing Grotbags.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39It looked like I was going to have to take this one to the very top.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I guess I'm really doing this.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Dear God,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Jesus, Mary,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54whoever the fuck it is that deals with prayers,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57or let's call it what it is - begging requests.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02So this is it, I'm literally down on my knees.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I mean, how does it even work?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06I promise to believe in you,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09adjust my behaviour accordingly,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and you do what?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Give me a sign?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Or a feeling of hope.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Do you still do the whole voice of God thing?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Vincent Swan,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24your prayers have been answered.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Ronnie?
0:27:30 > 0:27:31No, it's God, you berk.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What are you doing here?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I've got a deal with that old wino Father Andrews
0:27:36 > 0:27:40for the communion plonk - it's Don Cortez cheap shit that's not been
0:27:40 > 0:27:43consecrated, but don't tell the Catholics.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48You don't believe in this old bollocks, do you, Vincent?
0:27:48 > 0:27:52No. Course not, it's a mug's game.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Ronnie, you don't want to get a pint, do ya?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I've got something I'd like to get your advice on.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08So what can I help you with, Vincent?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Yeah, erm... Well...
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Oh, no. Not these cunts.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16It's him again. You want some?
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mug.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24What did you do that for, you fucking nut job?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I smell different today, don't I, boys?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Leg it, leg it!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Sorry about that.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36Now, Ronnie, isn't it about time you and I went into business together?
0:28:36 > 0:28:41# Red light spells danger
0:28:41 > 0:28:47# Can't hold out much longer
0:28:47 > 0:28:53# Cos red light means warning
0:28:53 > 0:28:59# Can't hold out, I'm burning
0:28:59 > 0:29:02# No, no, no You took my heart and turned me on
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# And now the danger sign is on... #