0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I've always loved great magicians.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12They're the double glazing salesmen of the entertainment business.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Last year, with nothing but a massive curtain,
0:00:15 > 0:00:16and an even bigger pair of balls,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19David Copperfield made The Statue of Liberty vanish.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Now, you and I both know he couldn't have vanished
0:00:23 > 0:00:26The Statue of fucking Liberty...
0:00:26 > 0:00:28but look into his eyes.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Tell me he doesn't 100% believe that
0:00:30 > 0:00:32he just made her disappear for real.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35What you're looking at there, folks, is the secret of sales.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Believe in what you're selling.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I'd forgotten that, and it's almost cost me everything I love -
0:00:41 > 0:00:44my wife, my kids, my money.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48But now it's time to start taking it all back the only way I know how -
0:00:48 > 0:00:52by selling the greatest product that exists on this beautiful planet...
0:00:52 > 0:00:53me.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Aren't you going to be late for school?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- But we're not finished here. - Oh, I think we are, sweetheart.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You want me to piss away my money
0:01:12 > 0:01:14starting a double glazing company with you?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18I mean, that's a less nuanced version of it but, yeah.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Why don't you just take over at Cachet?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Walshy won't sell, it's his nest egg.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Well, I always find a man more amenable to an offer
0:01:26 > 0:01:29when I've got his nuts clamped in a vice.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Are we talking metaphorical testicles here?
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Yeah, for the minute. Now, Vincent, ever heard of a phoenix scam?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41No, but feel free to enlighten me.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It's when you take a business...
0:01:44 > 0:01:47say, a flourishing double glazing firm,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48you siphon off all the cash
0:01:48 > 0:01:52and at the same time, you run up crippling debts
0:01:52 > 0:01:54until it gets wound up.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You see, that's a bit short-term for me.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I want to run my own company, build it up into a national chain.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07And you will, young Vincent, because at this point
0:02:07 > 0:02:10a handsome and respected local businessman steps in,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13buys up the company for a nominal fee, say £1,
0:02:13 > 0:02:18and a new "debt free" firm rises from the ashes of the old one.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20The phoenix from the flames.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23How legal is it?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Well, let's just say it's not completely illegal.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's certainly immoral, though.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I mean, how would you feel about stealing Walshy's livelihood,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34his money, his business?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I feel surprisingly OK about it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41To be honest, I'd have felt OK about letting Ronnie take
0:02:41 > 0:02:44a shit in my mouth if it had meant I could clear my 50 grand tax bill.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Stage one of the plan was getting me installed as a partner at Cachet.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Being a greedy cocksucker, Walshy jumped on my offer to invest.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Do I want to know where this came from?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Don't shit your pants, it's all above board.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I re-mortgaged the house.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Which is partly true, Ronnie loaned me the money.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00What I didn't mention was that
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'd borrowed it against Walshy's business,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05not my house, with interest rates that were fucking eye-watering,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07even for a shark like Ronnie.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- Congratulations, partner. - Best move you've ever made.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Fortunately, Walshy had about as much business acumen as
0:03:12 > 0:03:15a bucket of pig shit. As long as orders were coming in,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17he'd think business was hunky-dory.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19But before I could start spending his money like a cunt,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21firstly I needed to re-hire one.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Hello, Maureen, love. Is Brian about?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- SHE GROANS - Fuckface! Door.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31HE SOBS
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Fitzpatrick took less convincing than I'd imagined.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Christ, I need this job. Thank you.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Walshy! Get a load of that.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43It didn't matter that we were selling our windows
0:03:43 > 0:03:44for practically cost,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47to Walshy's barely-educated eye, business was flying.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What he didn't know was that I was about to pilot it into
0:03:49 > 0:03:51the side of a fucking mountain.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Here you are, boys.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54One of my first acts as a codirector was to approve
0:03:54 > 0:03:56company cars for the entire sales team...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59including a nice little upgrade for moi.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02In fact, everything got upgraded - our suits,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04the office furniture...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08..we even had prototype car phones fitted.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11As communication devices, they were next to fucking useless -
0:04:11 > 0:04:13they never worked.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17But as toys to wind up the Millman Young pricks, they were priceless.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19To soften the blow of Fitzpatrick's return,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I promoted Lavender to head of marketing
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and gave him an unlimited budget to blow on
0:04:23 > 0:04:25an obscenely expensive radio ad.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27We are rolling.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29FRETLESS BASS PLAYS
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Right. Cut there. Sorry to interrupt.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34What's up?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Erm, have you cleared this with Paul Young's label?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I wrote this fucking lick, mate.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I own this sound, all right?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43All right. Take two.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Ronnie was even throwing me a kickback from
0:04:45 > 0:04:47the extortionate interest on his loans to Cachet
0:04:47 > 0:04:50to settle my outstanding tax affairs.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51It was beautiful.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54HE CHUCKLES
0:04:54 > 0:04:56You're welcome.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Now, I appreciate this all might seem a little harsh on Walshy,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03but at least this way he gets to keep £1
0:05:03 > 0:05:04and, more importantly, his nuts.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- MAN ON RADIO:- And that was Kool & the Gang there, with Celebration.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Now, we'll be right back with travel after this short break.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Essex Radio!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18FRETLESS BASS PLAYS
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Hang on, Sam, this is it. This is it!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22What's happening?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24On the radio. My ad. Sh...
0:05:24 > 0:05:25# If your windows and doors
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# Don't look loved and adored
0:05:27 > 0:05:28# Time to make a change... #
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What do you think?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I think I want you to stop talking and start unbuttoning my blouse.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Seriously though, what do you think?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38How does it make you feel?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Unbelievably irritated.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Irritated? Why?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh, I don't know, maybe because I'm playing second fiddle
0:05:47 > 0:05:49to a Paul Young sound-a-like jingle
0:05:49 > 0:05:52for my shithead, soon-to-be ex-husband's business.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Paul Young sound-a-like? I created the bass hook on that bloody intro.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- ON RADIO:- 'Don't forget the name, Cachet Windows and Doors.'
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Even when we're fucking escaping Vincent there's no escaping Vincent.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I thought you liked our little secret rendezvous.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06All right, saying it in French doesn't make it more romantic.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'm sick of sneaking around for quickies in lay-bys.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- It's not a good time to go public. - What?!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14We're not Charles and Diana, the public don't give a shit.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17The only people that care will be the kids,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and Nat and Robbie like you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Christ knows they want me to be happy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's not just them though, is it, it's Vincent.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I can't do this.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I love being with you.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I think you're kind, you're thoughtful,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35and I really fancy you.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41But I need to be with someone who respects me, puts me first.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Christ, not even first, just not always fucking last.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48We both agreed it's just not the right moment.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52I've just been promoted and... Come on, what are you doing?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I'm going home, Martin.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Vincent was right,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- you're a pair of bollocks short of being a decent bloke.- Sam!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Guess what's in here?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12A million pounds?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Of course not.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15How could I fit a million in here?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I don't know.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18A cheque?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- So, what is it?- Doesn't matter now.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Oh, come on, don't leave me on meathooks.
0:07:25 > 0:07:2750,000, cash.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Ooh, way less than a million.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- So, where did you get it? - Never you mind.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I'll tell you where it's going, though,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Her Majesty's Inland fucking Revenue.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Wow! Are you going get to meet the Queen?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Not unless she works at a tax office in Southend-on-Sea.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45She doesn't. I'm pretty sure she works in London.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Vincent, can I have a word?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50This sounds serious. Is Paul Young suing us about the ad?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Let's go upstairs.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Have you been upsetting him again?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I know things haven't been easy between you and Sam,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and the last thing I want is to add to your problems...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It's all right, mate, I know.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- You what?- Sam told me.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm so sorry, mate,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I should have been straight with you so much earlier.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I hoped the promotion would have helped.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- That radio campaign's top-notch, by the way.- Thanks.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21What has Sam said exactly?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24That you've been disillusioned for a while.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26The music business pulling at your heart strings.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Was that all she said?- No.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Apparently I'm a narcissist, a scumbag,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- a terrible father and I'm going to die lonely.- No, I meant...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Look, mate, I know I haven't been a great boss these past few months,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39but can you give me a few more weeks?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43There are some big changes about to happen around here, and I need you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Yeah...sure.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Good boy.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Actually, there is one thing you can help me with.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I want to get Sam back.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Really? I thought you and Robbie's teacher...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Nah, that's over, mate. I finished with her last month,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- it was just a bit of fun.- Oh.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04And how can I help exactly?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07You go and see her, you tell her I still love her, I need her...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09That might be a bit weird.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Maybe you should talk to her yourself?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It's hard to have a conversation
0:09:13 > 0:09:15while you're dodging the glasses getting launched at your head.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Well, maybe don't go to the house,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20arrange to meet her on neutral territory.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21That's a good idea.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And be honest about how you feel, about how much she means to you.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Deep down she needs to feel that she comes first.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Christ, not even first, just not always last.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Probably.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35That is good.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I knew there was a reason why I employed
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- an overeducated ponce like you. - Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41PHONE RINGS
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Cachet Windows... Carol.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What's up? Why are you whispering?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Because your son's teacher is in the showroom
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and she wants to talk to you. She seems upset.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52'Shit. Does she know I'm upstairs?'
0:09:52 > 0:09:54No, but she's not leaving until she sees you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- 'Is my briefcase down there?'- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Right, put it in my car and I'll sneak out the back.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, just going to the loo.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Reading material.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It's a poo.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17So, no school today?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No, because guess who's been suspended for having an
0:10:20 > 0:10:23inappropriate relationship with a student's parent?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Do you know how long I had to train to become a teacher?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Three years.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Three years of my life down the toilet
0:10:30 > 0:10:32along with my fucking reputation.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Think I'll just nip to the little boy's room too.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Right, Carol, you got it. - I popped it on your car.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- You mean in my car. - No, on it, it was locked.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It's a fucking convertible, Carol, the roof's down.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, there's no need to be rude. I'm the one doing a favour.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Or as I like to call it, your job.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53And your BMW's not convertible.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55No, but I traded the BMW in for a Mercedes
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- four fucking weeks ago, remember? - Oh, yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- So, where's my fucking money, Carol? - On your BMW.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05ENGINE STARTS
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Fitzpatrick's BMW. - Fucking hell! Brian!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Brian! Brian! Fuck.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Get that shitheap out of my way!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26TRUCK ENGINE REVS
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- They're stuck together. - Yeah, no shit, Professor Fuckwit.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Fucking useless piece of shit!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Get Fitzpatrick on that fucking car phone right now!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Vincent.- Not now! - No, I need to speak to you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54That bitch of a wife of yours has spoken to the head
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- and I've been suspended.- Any luck? - I can't connect the call.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You keep fucking trying. I'm holding you responsible.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Did you hear what I said?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I'll get out on the road, try and track him down.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- I said that bitch... - Watch your fucking mouth!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07She's reported me. I've been suspended.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Save the crocodile tears, sweetheart.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10You loved playing with fire, so did I.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Don't start acting like one of your first year fucking infants
0:12:13 > 0:12:15because you got your fingers burned.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Fuck you, Vincent.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It won't connect. Useless fucking phones!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Fuck.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Fuck, fuck, fuck.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Anything?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I think I'm going to be sick.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35PHONE RINGS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Hello, Cachet... Oh, thank God!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40It's him. He's with Lavender.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Where the fuck is my money, Brian?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44What do you mean you don't know?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Well, don't bother setting foot inside this place
0:12:48 > 0:12:51until you find my briefcase.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Yes, that does fucking mean you'll be sacked again!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Good news?- No, not good news.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And if my money doesn't turn up for
0:13:00 > 0:13:02my tax hearing this afternoon, you will be sacked too.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Should I call the police?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11OK, but just ask them if it's been handed in, all right?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Do not mention the money.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15The last thing I need is the Old Bill sniffing about.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Yeah, got it. Incognito.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20PHONE RINGS
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Hello, Thurrock Police. How may I help?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- IRISH ACCENT:- I'd like to report a missing briefcase,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- so I would, so I would. - I'm sorry?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29A briefcase, yer big eejit.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It fell out of a car somewhere in the West Essex area.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Can you hold the line? I just need to grab one of my superiors.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Get me someone from Bomb Squad.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I've got a suspected coded message from the IRA here.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'Sorry, I didn't quite catch your name?'
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Get a move on, arseholes!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48CAR HORN BLARES
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I can't go back to selling diet pills.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Those pyramid scheme wankers are already after me for three grand.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56We'll find it, all right? Where else have you been?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Nowhere. We've been fucking everywhere.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01What's the hold up?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, fuck.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Not very clever, was it, sir? Now, could you turn around, please?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19We've a got suspect package on the roundabout.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Nothing's getting through until the Bomb Squad have investigated.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Oh, you're joking.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Yeah, excuse me, officer. What kind of package?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Vincent, I've found it! - 'You beauty.'
0:14:29 > 0:14:31'Where are you, I'll meet you on the way to the tax office.'
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I'm on the roundabout outside the refinery.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35'OK. I'm on my way.'
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Oh, and one more thing.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Could you hurry up because the police kind of think it's
0:14:39 > 0:14:42an IRA bomb and they want to conduct a controlled explosion?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44'You useless mother...'
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Sorry for the trouble, officer.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Aren't you going to open it? Make sure nothing's missing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Yeah, of course.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yep, that seems to be all good.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Sir, can I ask what you're doing with such a large amount of cash?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, you can, but unless the Iron Curtain has shifted
0:15:03 > 0:15:063,000 miles west, I don't have to fucking answer.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Well, perhaps you'd prefer to accompany me to
0:15:08 > 0:15:11the station for further questioning about today's incident.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Look, mate, I'm having a day from hell here, all right?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Please, give me a break. The money's to pay a tax bill.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- I have a hearing in 30 minutes. - Well, why not just say that then?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I should have, I just have this natural aversion to authority
0:15:21 > 0:15:23that makes me behave like an arsehole.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'm hoping I can just apologise and be on my way...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Control, this is PC 486.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I need you to contact someone at Inland Revenue in Southend-on-Sea
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- and check that... - Quick as we fucking can.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Sorry, take your time.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Check if they have an appointment with a Mr Vincent Swan.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Once my story did check out, all that was left was to close
0:15:46 > 0:15:48this heart attack inducing chapter of my life.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56This is actually highly irregular, Mr Swan.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Most of our clients pay by cheque or banker's draft.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And you appear...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- ..to be £50 short.- Yeah.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I had to bung that to Lavender after you made him finger you
0:16:09 > 0:16:12behind the bins. Let's call it compensation for his trauma.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16OK.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Well, that all seems to be in order.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Thank you, Mr Swan.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I wish I could say the pleasure was all mine,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32but as you and I both know, it was mainly yours.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Ciao.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39As it goes, paying tax felt better than I'd imagined.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Probably helps that it was all Walshy's cash.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Now time to make The Statue of Liberty reappear in my life,
0:16:44 > 0:16:49or as I like to call her, Sam.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- PHONE RINGS - Millman Young. How may I help you?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54SPEAKERPHONE: 'Can you take a piss in Little Prick's coffee for me?'
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Right, I'm hanging up now, Vincent.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59'Sam, Sam, don't, it's important. Sorry, bad joke.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01'It's about Robbie.'
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What's happened? You didn't forget to pick him up did you?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06'No, he's with me. I've just had a problem, my car's packed in.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07'Can you come and get him?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10'I'm at a client's house - 23, The Old Yews,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12'on the new estate just off Southend Road.'
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I'm at work, Vincent. I can't be there for half an hour.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17'That's great. Thanks, babe.'
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Don't call me fucking babe!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Here she comes, the love of my life, your beautiful mother.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27All right, wish me luck.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37What the fuck is this, Vincent? Sorry, Robbie.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40This is our new family abode. Chez Swan.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Are you deranged? We're getting a divorce.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I don't want to live with you ever again,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48you terrible wanker. Sorry, Robbie.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Sam, I know I fucked up. Sorry, Robbie.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You have every right to hate me, but I want you back.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I need you back. Plus, I've just put down a non-refundable deposit
0:17:57 > 0:17:59for ten grand on this place so, please, just have a look?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Please, Mum, have a look. It's fucking amazing in there.- Robbie!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Right, Vincent, five minutes.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Come on. After you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Is there any way you can stop the deposit from being taken?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15You see, my soon to be ex-husband isn't a well man, Philip.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17He's lost his marbles.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I only show people around. I don't really have a say in that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Don't listen to her, Philip.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Once she understands that I'm a changed man
0:18:24 > 0:18:28and I would never cheat on her again, we'll take it.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That's his problem, you see, Philip.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34He doesn't understand how embarrassing this is for you or me.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37He thinks he can buy his way out of any problem.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39On a scale of one to ten, Philip,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41how insanely wrong would you say it is
0:18:41 > 0:18:44to cheat on your wife with your son's primary school teacher?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Do you want to see the garden?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50It's a fucking 11. It's off the chart.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52And I'm the idiot who did it. I am.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54But I'm also the idiot dying here,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57trying to find a way to make it right.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I should've respected her, Philip.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I adore her.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09I should have made her feel like she was my first and only thought
0:19:09 > 0:19:11instead of making her feel like she was my last.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Is it OK if I pop downstairs and let you both have a think about it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19No, you stay, Philip.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21You need to see me beg.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27If it's too late, Sam,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31tell me, and I'll leave you to get on with the rest of your life.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32I'm so sorry, baby.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I lost my way.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41It's always been you that made my world turn and I fucked it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43But I need you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I can't do any of it without you.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50So I'm begging for one last chance.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54In front of Philip.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Begging.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Look at me begging, Philip!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So come on, Sam. If not for me,
0:20:02 > 0:20:03do it for Philip.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Get off the floor, you wally.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11What do you say?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No more lying. No more cheating.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17I was a fool, Sam.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I'll never do anything again to risk losing you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Can we even afford this place?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Yes, baby. I've cleared my tax bill, I'm a partner in the business.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27You say the word and it is yours.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yeah, yes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32I fucking love it!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Oh, my God.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Right, Philip, before we close the deal on the asking price right now,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45we're going to need to test-run that Jacuzzi bath.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47And it is a deal breaker for us, I'm afraid, isn't it, Sam?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Absolutely, Philip.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51How do you feel about that, Philip?
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Er, OK.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54That's great stuff.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Now can you pop downstairs and keep an eye on Robbie?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58We'll be with you shortly.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You're such a plum. A great big sexy plum.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Tony, there's a suit out there wants a word with you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What fucking now?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Excuse me, Mr Walsh?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Depends. Who's looking for me?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I mean him. Shit.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Mr Walsh, I'm a legal representative for Farrell's Debt Collection.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I'm serving Cachet Windows and Doors with a statutory demand
0:21:31 > 0:21:36for unpaid debts of £798,000
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Very good, you're very good.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43What? Did Vincent put you up to this? Is this a wind-up?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45If you do not respond to this demand within seven days,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48we'll file a winding-up petition at the High Court, after which
0:21:48 > 0:21:50your bank accounts will be frozen.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HE KNOCKS
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Hello, mate. What's up?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Look, I wasn't straight with you earlier today.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Don't worry about it. Look, mate, I'm kind of busy.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It won't take long. I'm going to say what I've got to say,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- then I'm going to go.- OK.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Don't be such a drama queen.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It's Sam.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What? What about Sam can't wait until tomorrow?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24No, it's Sam. Behind you.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Yeah. We've been introduced.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29QUIETLY: Hey, look, mate,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31that gubbins you told me about putting her first did the trick.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33You are a bona fide marriage saver.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, go on! Quick, have your say.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Nat's baby-sitting Robbie
0:22:40 > 0:22:43so I've still got several hours of making up to enjoy.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Doesn't seem important now. I'll catch you tomorrow.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47OK. I might be late.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56'In the end, Ronnie administered Walshy's final coup de grace
0:22:56 > 0:22:59'with a pound coin rather than a testicular vice.'
0:23:00 > 0:23:03This is complete fucking bollocks.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09'Walshy signed the business over to Ronnie for a coin.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12'It was that or be declared bankrupt and lose everything.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14'Walshy came to collect his things the next day.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'I almost felt sorry for the poor sap.'
0:23:17 > 0:23:18No hard feelings, eh, Tony?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24That's right, now fuck off
0:23:24 > 0:23:27in that Range Rover my hard graft allowed you to buy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41SMASHING
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Ouch. Some hard feelings, clearly.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Now, I appreciate the last few days have probably been a bit...
0:23:51 > 0:23:55unsettling, but as far as you boys are concerned
0:23:55 > 0:23:56it's business as usual.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And I know it seems a bit rough on Walshy, but don't forget
0:24:00 > 0:24:02he made this rod for his own back.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Yeah, by hiring you.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And by rod you definitely mean knife for his back?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09All right, fine, let's get it all out now.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I've got a desk delivery for a Mr Farrell.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- First floor, mate.- No-one said anything about any stairs.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Do your own furniture arranging, pal.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Cheeky bastard. That's everything that's wrong with Britain today.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Don't worry, guys. I've got this.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29New headed paper.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Take a look at that, boys.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Wow, that is headed paper all right.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Yeah, with one very small but hugely important change.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Look where it lists the new company directors.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Director. Singular.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Your name's not on there, mate.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48What the fuck? Carol, get the printers on the phone right now.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'm not paying for this until it's been corrected.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That is what we ordered.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Ronnie popped in on Tuesday and told me to take your name off.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56What? Are you sure?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Yeah, it was definitely Ronnie. He had his face.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01This is obviously Ronnie's idea of a wind-up.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yeah, or his idea of a stitch up.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Look, I have to pop out for a bit.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You two lazy pricks can haul this fucking monstrosity
0:25:08 > 0:25:10up into Walshy's... Ronnie's office.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You're joking. It looks like it weighs more than an actual Roller.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I'm fucking not. Get it done.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19OK, boss. I really enjoyed today's pep talk(!)
0:25:33 > 0:25:35GUNSHOT
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Pull!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39GUNSHOT
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Vincent, my old mucker!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45What a wonderful day to be alive.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47How's the office shaping up?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Nothing's really changed, other than your desk has arrived.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Which is what I need to talk to you about.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55What, the desk? Want me to get you one? Gorgeous, innit?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Not the fucking desk, Ronnie.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Why did you take my name off the paperwork as a director?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because you're not a director, Vincent.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Pull!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07GUNSHOTS
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Fuck me, Ronnie, do you have to?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12The deal was I helped you fuck over Walshy
0:26:12 > 0:26:13and then we run the business as partners.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Yeah, there's been a complication.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It turns out that as a former director of Cachet
0:26:18 > 0:26:20you've been barred by the Companies House
0:26:20 > 0:26:22from becoming a director of the new business for five years.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I'm sorry, mate, but it was unforeseen.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Bollocks was it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Pull!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31GUNSHOTS
0:26:33 > 0:26:34What about my partnership?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36We can still be partners in the business, Vinny,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38just not in a legal sense.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39More like hombres.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41HE CHUCKLES
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I'll tell you what, Ronnie -
0:26:42 > 0:26:45you can stick your hombres up your hombrarsehole.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46I wanted to run my own business.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48If I can't do it at Cachet
0:26:48 > 0:26:51then I'll fuck off and find a proper investor elsewhere.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Have a go.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Fuck.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Nah, I'm all right.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59No, I want you to have a go.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Fucking...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03You ever fired a gun before?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05No.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Oh, it's easy.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10You just look the target straight in the eye and gently pull the trigger.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Then you try not to smile as they disintegrate in front of your eyes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Apparently it makes you look psychotic.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19- Pull! - GUNSHOT
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Ah, fuck!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22HE GROANS
0:27:23 > 0:27:26You'd be advised to remember that now I own the business outright,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30that money you borrowed off Cachet belongs to me.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33So while you owe me £50,000, young Vincent,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37it'll be very much in your interest to remain my hombre.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Now go on, get back to work,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43and make sure they don't put a scratch in my desk.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Cost me a fucking fortune, that, son.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Pull!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47GUNSHOT
0:27:49 > 0:27:51YELLING
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Don't!- Put it down, put it down, put it down.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Fuck!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Oh, for fuck's sake. - Oh, look what you done now.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I didn't do that. It's not my fault.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Every so often karma can pop up and kick you in the bollocks,
0:28:02 > 0:28:03but the way I see it,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelette.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Only now I was cooking with psychotic eggs
0:28:07 > 0:28:09with a penchant for violence.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And maybe you reap what you sow, but believe me,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I'd rather reap a harvest of ill-gotten gains than fight
0:28:15 > 0:28:18over a handful of slim pickings with the rest of you fucking plebs.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26CHILDREN LAUGH AND PLAY
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Come here, my little Swans.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Go and fight over who gets the biggest room.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37- Oldest gets it! - Right, I'll have to kill you, then!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Not bad, eh?
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Thank you, Vincent.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43You deserve it.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45From now on we're in this together.
0:28:45 > 0:28:46I've heard that one before.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49I know, but I promise.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50No more lies.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Shhh.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04MUSIC: The Night by Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons
0:29:04 > 0:29:06# Beware of his promise
0:29:08 > 0:29:12# Believe what I say
0:29:15 > 0:29:18# Before I go forever
0:29:21 > 0:29:25# Be sure of what you say
0:29:26 > 0:29:29# So he paints a pretty picture
0:29:29 > 0:29:31# And he tells you that he needs you... #