0:00:38 > 0:00:40# This guy love me
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# This guy love me... #
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Oh, bit early, aren't you?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Has she already let you in?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01What are you wearing?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oi, don't just stand there. We've got work to do.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Damn you, tequila.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Hello, earth to Darren. Give me a hand?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35What, is she making us take our shoes off?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- < WOMAN:- Darren. Darren, you still here?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What are you doing?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Em...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, sorry! I didn't know you were here.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Did Darren let you in? - Yeah. Sorry, love. I'm Ollie.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- (Hey, you can see her knickers. - I know.)
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Well, get yourself sorted, I'll be down in a minute.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Darren, I'll sort us some food in a sec.- OK, thanks.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05What? I said I was hungry. Shall we get going then, unload?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Bit eager, aren't you?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Sorry, love, just going to nip to the van, get some more stuff.- OK.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- I'm just gonna help him.- Oh, OK.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- What she need to know that for? - Why does she need to know you're doing it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Well, I'm in her house, aren't I? It's common courtesy.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22There you go - common courtesy.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26You haven't got any painkillers, have you? My head's killing me.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Seriously, Darren, what are you wearing?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm willing to listen to other ideas, I am,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- but Hair Of The Dog, it's dead. - Ian, I...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40No, Emma, it's not making money and I can't afford
0:02:40 > 0:02:42to lose any more. It's a dodo.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50OK, OK. Well, I've got lots of other ideas you can invest in.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54There's Fish And Dips, we serve fish with...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- No.- Coney Island -
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Irish stew in ice-cream cones.- Ridiculous.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Hungry Like The Wolf?- What's that?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well, it's a song, isn't it, by those Rio guys?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- It's a themed restaurant. - And what's it serve?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11- Wolf.- Goodbye.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Toast.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Toast.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21The Toast Office. Beans on toast with luxury beans,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24cheese on toast with cheeses from around the world,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26all served with champagne to toast your toast.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Toast your toast.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Interesting.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I like the sound of that. Have you got a business plan?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Yeah, yeah, of course.- OK.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48So I have a couple more meetings and then I've got to get the 5.16 back to London
0:03:48 > 0:03:51so I can meet you here at 4.00pm when you can pitch to me, OK?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- OK.- And Emma, here at 4.00pm, last chance.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Ian, everyone loves toast.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07- You can't keep doing this, coming to the office all hungover.- Office?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yeah, work, a day at the office, that's what people call it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12That's what people who work in offices call it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Had a tough day at the office? Never heard that?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Yeah I've heard loads of people say it. They all worked in offices.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Just a common phrase, Darren. - You're just obsessed.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Wasn't your restaurant idea an office thing?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Yeah. The Toast Office. Not going to happen now though, is it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Yeah, well, good cos it will break your dad's heart.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- She's pretty fit, though, isn't she? - She's massively out of your league.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- No, she's not, we're both nines. - You're both... OLLIE LAUGHS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- You're a low seven at best. - Oh, thought about it, have you?- No.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- You said it. Can't take it back now. You think I'm a seven.- A low seven.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Doesn't matter, it's out there. You want me and I'm sorry to say,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51but as a low seven, four points out of your league.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Grow up.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Sexual harassment in the workplace, that is,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58checking me out whilst I do my job.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- Why is there a suit? You don't actually think this is an office? - It's my dad's, from the dry-cleaners.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- They are some pimp lapels. - Yeah, I know. He bought it in '78.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- "One good suit to last you your whole life, son."- Jesus.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Yeah, I know.- Darren?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I've rustled us up some coffee and croissants.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20OK, I'm just helping here, there's a lot of stuff to carry.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- OK, well don't be too long.- I won't.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28What was that about?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30DARREN MUMBLES
0:05:30 > 0:05:32MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Oh, yes. Hello.- 'Hi, listen, that idea you had, the Toast Office,'
0:05:37 > 0:05:38do you have a business plan?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Yeah, sort of, why?- OK, great. Listen, where are you?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- I'm coming over.- 'I'm working.' - Yeah, well, I need the address. I've found an investor.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- How'd you manage that? - 'It's a business contact.'
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Look, can you tell me where you are? I've driven round this roundabout four times.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Well, let's meet for dinner.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57No, I've got to pitch this at 4.00 today.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- I can't, I'll be working.- I don't need you, I'll pitch it myself.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Listen, it's my idea, I'll pitch it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06All right, just tell me where your business plan is and hurry up - I feel sick.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10It's in my house, in the lounge, in the top drawer of the sideboard?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12OK, great, I'm coming over.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Toast Office, baby!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Come on!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Was that the hospital? Cleared you of knob-rot, have they?- Ha-ha(!)
0:06:23 > 0:06:28- Come on, give us a hand with this. - Sure thing. No worries, boss, whatever you need.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31A question - the lady who lives here,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- don't suppose you know her name? I've been racking my brains all morning.- What?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36What are you talking about?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41OK, just there.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- What are you doing, why are you helping him?- I'm just being nice...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Miss L McKeith. Why, thank you, Mr D Brown.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Why hasn't it got her first name? - I don't know, it just doesn't.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Bollocks.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04Louise? Liz? I hope not, that's my sister's name.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Nice place you got here. How long you been here?- About three years.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Darren, brunch is ready.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are YOU going?- Brunch.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16We've got work to do.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Just let me have a pastry and then I'll help.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22No, Darren, it's a two-man job. Got to be out of here by 4.00.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Why, what are you doing?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Going to the hospital to deal with my knob-rot. Darren,
0:07:26 > 0:07:31seriously, what are you wearing? OK, that's a Top Shop blouse.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Listen, I spilt a drink on myself before you came here and she leant it to me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40That's not appropriate. I shouldn't find you wearing a client's clothes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I caught your dad trying on a bra once.- No, you didn't.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Did you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54So I've had to take the day off for the handyman.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Do you fancy sticking around? Not if you've got to go to work.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Yeah, yeah, I'll stick around for a bit.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, perfect, I wasn't sure if you'd be needed today or not.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Must be nice to be the boss.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Sorry, sorry, he's...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11He's the what now?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Darren, he runs his own firm.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Oh, my God!- Oh, God, Darren. - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21- Quick, quick, get a cloth. Coffee stain.- Oh, all right.- Coffee stain.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I shagged her last night. I met her in a club.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I was sneaking out this morning and you were at the front door.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Oh, hang on, what?- Last night. I nailed her.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31You nailed her?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Twice.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And they say romance is dead.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I'm sorry, I'm so clumsy.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Don't worry about it, it's no biggie.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44DARREN MOUTHS
0:08:44 > 0:08:46(What?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49(She doesn't know I'm a handyman.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51(Why not?
0:08:51 > 0:08:57(I don't know, I just made stuff up. She doesn't know I know you.)
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- All done.- Brilliant.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Oh, crap! - What are you doing?!- I'm so sorry!
0:09:04 > 0:09:05You'll need a bigger cloth.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Oh,- I- am, am I? You get it, it's your mess,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11you clean it up. Under the kitchen sink.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Ollie, do you want to give us a hand?- Why do you need him?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I don't know why he's stood here. I'm paying you to work. Fireplace.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yeah, sorry.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm just going to go and get those papers.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Oi, what did you lie for?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- I just made stuff up to get her into bed.- Stuff like what?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35I don't know, I can't remember.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Oh, oh, ashamed of being a handyman, are you, eh?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Not good enough for you, are we?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Here are those documents you said you'd look at for me. Do you mind?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Not at all. Great.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Sounds very important. What is it you do for a living, Darren?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Sorry, would you just mind getting on with your work, please.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Oh, come on, I'm just interested in what it is you do for a living.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What's your, er... What's your job?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Are you just going to annoy my friend or fit my fireplace?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Yes, I'm glad I'm not employing you if this is what you're going to be like.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I was just asking Oliver to pop round next week and give me
0:10:11 > 0:10:12a quote on my pool house.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I'm retiling my pool house,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18but he says he's really bad at tiling...and plumbing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Strange, I thought that'd be just another day at the office for you.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23OLLIE MOUTHS
0:10:23 > 0:10:25MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh, I'm sorry. I might have to take this.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Bloody cowboys.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Are you wearing my blouse?- Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Sorry to keep you waiting. Oliver Curry speaking, how can I help?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Sorry to keep you waiting, Oliver Curry speaking."
0:10:48 > 0:10:49You sound like a dick.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- What, someone who's a dick? - Dad, did you withhold your number?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I didn't want anyone listening in, it's a private call.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00It makes the number private, it doesn't make...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- You know, it doesn't matter. What's up?- Nothing much,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07just thought I'd ring for a chat, you know, see how you are.
0:11:07 > 0:11:13- And...oh, yes, I need you to go to the bookies for me, place a bet.- No.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's important, I've tried Darren but I couldn't get hold of him.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- I need you to do it before 3.00. - Dad, I'm working, go yourself.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Look, it's just one bet, Ollie. I need you to do this.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Dad, I'm not going to the bookies, end of.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Hi, Ollie said I should come over. - You're not pregnant, are you?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- What, no, why would I...? - Always worth asking.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45What can I do for you?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I need to get his business... some paperwork.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I know where it is, can I get it?- Go for your life.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00A-ha, bingo...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh, my God - this is rubbish!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh, he's going to make me look like an idiot.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Where's he working? I need to see him now.- You know what,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- I could do with yelling at him myself. Give us a lift and we'll both go.- OK.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17How tall are you?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Six foot, five and a half. Why?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21No reason.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26"Property claim?" What do you think that is? Estate agent, maybe I'm an estate agent.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I'll tell you what you are - a handyman, so give me a hand.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30"Purchase of plant equipment?"
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I never would have said I'm a gardener, that's worse than a handyman.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36What did I say I do?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- I don't care, right? Just get this sorted before it gets worse.- Hey up!
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- It's worse.- I need a word.- Me too. - What are you doing here?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Darren, I... Oh, who are you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Don't worry, we won't come in. Messy shoes, don't want to ruin the carpet.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55- I'm sorry, this is my dad, this is Emma. I'm dealing with it. - OK, I'm Lucy.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Lucy!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- This is Lucy.- What are you doing here?- Your dad told me where you were so we drove over.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- In your car?- Not now, Darren.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Do you two know each other?- Yeah,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I did some work for her dad. It was a problem with a tree.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- BOTH: Wasn't it the bathroom? - Yeah, the tree was blocking the light to the bathroom.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Right.- Yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I read your proposal, it is shocking.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- It needs focussing, formatting. - Not now.- We need to sort it. It doesn't just affect you!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Fine, outside.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Please, just give me a minute, please.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Hey, what's he up to?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I think she might be up the duff.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Emma, I can't do this now, I've got to be working...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, my God! Did you put my dad in that car? He's supposed to be relaxing.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Your plan is rubbish! You may as well have signed it with a thumbprint!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Why can't we rearrange for tomorrow? - Jesus, Ollie, you don't get it!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- It's got to be today, Ollie, today! - Right, calm down.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00ENGINE PUTTERS
0:14:00 > 0:14:05- I brought the fireplace adhesive you need.- What adhesive? I didn't ask for adhesive.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Darren rang me. How else you planning on attaching it to the wall?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- I'm just...- Don't tell me you were going to nail it on?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Oh, my God, you were! - Here you are, let's have a look.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I know what this is about - beans on toast with luxury bloody beans.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22What, we're not good enough for you now? Cheers, sis.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- What is his problem? - Where's he going?- Brunch.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29- Will somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?- Exactly.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Emma thinks she might have found me an investor. You know, for the Toast Office.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37She's got to meet the guy at 4.00.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Thank God for that. I thought you'd knocked her up.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- What?- What?- What?- I haven't.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- He really hasn't. - I should have known better.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I mean she's a ten, you're a four at best.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57A four?! You're OK with this though, Dad, the restaurant thing?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Yeah, sounds like a good opportunity.- Tony!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Where's the meeting? - On the High Street.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06That's perfect - right near the bookies! I need this put on by 3.00.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- OK, but the meeting's at 4.00. - The cash and details are inside.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Dad, why can't you just put the bet on yourself?- Politics.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Now, look here! She's not paying you to stand around and gossip, you know.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21DARREN MOUTHS
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I'll place the bloody bet, if only to get away Sideshow Bob for an hour.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- I'll go and tell Lucy. - Great, I'll give you a lift.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- You're going to have fit this fireplace.- What is going on?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- So if it's on the party wall then the regulations are different, aren't they?- If you like.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Right, I'm going to have to nip out for a bit.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- What about my fireplace? - My dad's going to take over.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Listen, Dad, take it easy. - Comprende!- All right?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Use Darren as much as you can.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Right then, numb nuts, give us a hand with this.- Er, Tony...- Darren!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Oh, my God, do you know everyone?- No.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00So how do you two know each other?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03(Bloody tequila.)
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I'll go to the cafe, start the business plan, you place the bet then meet me.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Right, I won't be long.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- All right?- Just this, please, love.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21What's that?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Him? He's banned.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28We think he's the ringleader of a local betting syndicate.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29The ringleader?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Horses run badly for races, then when the odds are stupid-to-one
0:16:33 > 0:16:35they let it run properly and make a wedge of cash.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- What, it's a scam? - We've got their number.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They all bet a load of money, say 200 quid each,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43loads of them at a load of different bookies
0:16:43 > 0:16:47about an hour before the race is due to be run.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It's tricky to catch it.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Do you know that guy?- Who, him?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Nah, never seen him before in my life.- Fair enough.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- So what can I do for you?- Erm...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Ach, you know, I don't think I'm going to bet today after all.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Oh, really?! But you've got the slip all filled out.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yeah, change of heart. You've got to be strong - it is an addiction.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Show me that slip.- No.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Why not?- Private.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17After what I told you, suddenly you don't want to bet?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Changed my mind. Haven't got the money.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Yeah, you do, it's there in your hand. I'd say that looks like, what, 200 quid?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Well, thanks anyway, love,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27it's been lovely to talk to you, but I've got to get going.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Ronnie!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32You can't be serious, what are you going to do?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Darren, I know you like helping people, but this is getting stupid.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Yeah, I...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44MOBILE PLAYS THEME FROM AUF WIEDERSEHEN PET
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Hello.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Hello, Dad, it's me. I'm not able to make it back to work today. I'm being held at the bookies.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51'Any thoughts why?'
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- What's up?- Ollie's being held at the bookies, they won't let him leave.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01If they keep him there, he'll miss his meeting. Genius.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09- No. No, I can't, it's his dream. - Sorry love, I've got to go.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14No, no, no, this is... I can't take another day off work. He said it was a one-day job.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Can't be helped. Me son's in a pickle.- This needs finishing!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18There's not a lot we can do, is there?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- Of course there is. Darren, can't you help? You're a lawyer. - Lawyer, I'm a lawyer!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25I'm a lawyer.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Don't try nothing funny or Ronnie'll have you.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I-I came in to place a bet, right,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and I changed my mind and then I wanted to leave.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You can't just hold me here against my will.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You know as well as I do that that was a dodgy bet.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49So tell me who runs the scam!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- I don't know.- Right, show me some ID.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Come on!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Oliver Josh Curry. Posh.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Well, not really, my dad wanted to call me Rogan.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Rogan Josh Curry.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Don't mess with me.- I'm not. You don't know me dad.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Who's this fella?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I've never seen him before in my life.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Ollie, where are you?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- ENGAGED TONE - Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- This is illegal, you know, I've got to be somewhere. - Then tell me who he is!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- You're not going nowhere till you do.- Right!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Darren Brown.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Brown and Brown...and, er, Brown... lawyers?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Got a card.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52This is for a dry-cleaners.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yeah. Yeah, we share an office.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Together, we're cleaning up this town.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02No?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I'm here to represent him,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10so can somebody please tell me what the God damn hell is going on?!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Am I allowed a moment alone with my client?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Isn't that what usually happens?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Whatever. You've got two minutes.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I'll just go and see if I've got any knickers that need washing.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Maybe you can take them back to the office with you.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29What?
0:20:30 > 0:20:36- Oh, yeah, thanks. They'll be happy for the work.- I want a name.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Ronnie!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50What are you doing? Is that my dad's suit? Are they my sunglasses?
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- Yeah they are, I'm just trying... Oi.- Where are the lenses? - I pushed them out.- What for?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Well, I'm trying to look clever. - Darren, what are you doing here?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I couldn't help it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03You rang and then what's-her-face insisted we come down and help you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04She really wants a fireplace.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- How are you going to help? - Well, apparently, I'm a lawyer.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I think we've got a really strong case.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Darren, you're not an actual lawyer.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Ssh, I know, just stay strong. - Darren, I don't care.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Just get me out of here, I'm going to be late.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21What, for your investor thing?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- I should leave you here so you miss it.- Why don't you then?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28I mean, days like these and you wonder why I want to do something else?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It's not about you. It's about your dad.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- It didn't bother him earlier. - And you believed him?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Ollie, it's your dad.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You don't get it, right,
0:21:37 > 0:21:42the business is only thing keeping him going.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Right, time's up.- Fine.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, I ask you again, who were you putting that bet on for?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54My client was putting the bet on for himself.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- No, he wasn't, he's part of a scam. - No, he's not. Look at him.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- He couldn't pull a scam, he's not all there.- Are you taking the piss?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Hey, hey, whoa, no, no, no. No, I'm not, no...
0:22:04 > 0:22:08I just think it's nice that they let him out once in a while.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Why's he here again?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Cos Ronnie'll break his legs if he leaves.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16See, now I KNOW that that's illegal, someone tried to do that to me once.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Hang on, so you've kept him here for over an hour-and-a-half
0:22:20 > 0:22:24and even I know that's kidnapping, and that's a crime.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Yeah?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Yeah!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Nice suit. How did it go?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- I'm a legal genius.- Knew it. - They're idiots in there.- Yeah.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Quick, I need the van keys, I've got to go. Hurry up.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Are you lot still here?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45What the f...? It's bloody you.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- I've never seen him before in my life.- Ronnie!
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I'll meet you in the pub, Darren.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57What about my fireplace?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So what this is, this is your business plan!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I have silent partner, Ollie, he's meant to be here.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- OK, so where is he? Why don't you give him a call?- Well, I've tried,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18but my phone's being an idiot, I keep having to use the payphone.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Maybe it's been cut off. You have been paying the bill, haven't you?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Ah-ha-ha! That'll be it, I've been cut off.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- I'm just going to pop outside and see if I can get some reception.- OK.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Liz! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! OK, OK, I need you to do me a favour.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39VOICES CAN NOT BE HEARD
0:23:43 > 0:23:48And here she is. My business partner Liz.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Er, yeah, Liz, business partner.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Right. I thought we were expecting Ollie?
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Yes, short for Olivia, Olizia. Ollie, Liz, she uses both.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Hmm. And I thought that SHE was going to be a he.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08LIZ LAUGHS
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Post-op.- What?
0:24:13 > 0:24:20Erm, hey, Emma, why don't you tell him that funny story about when you met Ollie? Er, that's me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- I don't think Ian has time.- No, no.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I'd be quite interested to hear that story of how you two met.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Yeah, we went to catering college together, that's WHEN we met.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Tell him HOW we met.
0:24:35 > 0:24:41When we first met, I was dressed as a clown.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Happy?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It's brilliant. I love that story.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Yeah. It's... It's really funny. Erm, Toast Office?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55- Yes, I...- Yeah, you know what?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I stole that off an old mate of mine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I'll text you his number, Em, you should get him on board.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- We need to sort this out now... - You know what?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You should invest. It's a brilliant idea,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09but do yourself a favour and get the brains on board.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I'll leave you with this clown.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Em, I thought Olizia was the brains? - She has issues.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Evidently.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Look, to be honest with you, I like the idea, and Maplebury seems like a wonderful area, but really...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Yeah, no, no. Have another drink, I'm buying...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Wait, wait, wait. You save your money.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I've a feeling you're going to need it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I tell you what, I'll give you a call.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Oh, urgh! Ollie!
0:25:44 > 0:25:48'Ollie, it's Emma. I've got to be quick, I'm using a payphone.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51'Where the hell are you? Oh! I'm running out of money.'
0:25:51 > 0:25:52No, no, no! It's not my fault!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55'You dick, it took a lot for me to set this up,
0:25:55 > 0:26:00'so don't you dare leave me here in a phone box that stinks of piss. It's too important. Oh, crap!'
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- Shit!- 'I can't believe you've done this! I'm making excuses, but Ian's leaving. This is not acceptable.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08'And you owe me for all these calls, you wanker.'
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Perfect! Yes, that's me, I'm the wanker. Go to the bookies!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I'll miss my meeting, don't worry! It was only a chance of a lifetime.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18This is me. I'm the white van man. Brilliant!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Jesus Christ!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- I'm sorry.- Where the hell were you? - It wasn't my fault.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- It never is.- I've had a nightmare.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Well, that's all you'll get from now on. How could you do this to me?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- I didn't mean to do...- I wake up in a shitty room that used to be mine.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- What?- My phone's been cut off. I think. It's hard to say cos the reception is shocking.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40What network are you on?
0:26:40 > 0:26:44They were going to give you money, Ollie. I got here on time, I had the business plan
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and for once I was letting you in.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Letting you in and you did this to me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- And my Christian Louboutin's are covered in tramp piss. - OLLIE SNIGGERS
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Sorry.- Don't laugh at me!
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Argh!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57And, do you know what? Hair Of The Dog, shit idea.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's not a shit idea. It's brilliant.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06MUSIC: "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- You look good.- Thanks. I got another date. I told this one I was a brain surgeon.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Brain surgeons wear suits, right?
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Anyway, as your lawyer, I feel I should remind you that that was just one investor.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There are loads more and someone will give you the cash.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30Just do it for yourself. It's your idea, the Toast Office. That's a good business investment.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Thanks, Dad.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35But then so's Curry's Home Maintenance.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I'm just saying.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh, cheers, mate, thank you.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Doesn't he want paying?- Nah.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48They've been on the house all night, mate.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I told the landlord I'd look at some legal documents.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I'm a lawyer, don't you know.
0:27:58 > 0:28:04- See, that's all day I've got that. - There's no wonder I retired, is there?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06THEY LAUGH
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Darren, have you had a look in the mirror? Serious.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Jealous?!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12THEY LAUGH
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# There's plenty of ways that you can hurt a man
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# And beat him to the ground
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# And leave him when he's down, yeah
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# But I'm ready Yes, I'm ready for you
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# I'm standing on my own two feet
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# Out of the doorway the bullets rip
0:28:36 > 0:28:38# Repeating the sound of the beat
0:28:38 > 0:28:39# Oh, yeah
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Another one bites the dust... #