0:00:02 > 0:00:06# Red, red wine
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# Go to my head
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# Makes me forget that I... #
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Come on, you promised if I stayed over, you'd give me a lift to work.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Don't think I can. Barely see five feet.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Well, that would explain where you tried to kiss me when you got in.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Sorry.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34How are you not hung over?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Well, I left you and your dad at 11 o'clock,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40singing Islands In the Stream, which was, well, terrible.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Then, I got back here, fell asleep, only to be woken by you telling me
0:00:43 > 0:00:46you loved me and you had something really important to tell me.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Did I?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No. No, just that the electricity man was coming between 12 and 6.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53All right, then.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Come on, look, I'm running late.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- Hold on, let me just check on Darren. - Oh, I need to talk to you about him.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00I bet he can't cope on his own.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Listen. I did try and phone you last night, so...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Can you get a signal? - One bar by the window.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- I'm trying to say... - I'm renting a flat I can't get a signal in. Brilliant(!)
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Do you know what? I'm just going to let you find out on your own.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'll get a cab, bye.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16PHONE RINGS Oh, here you are.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Hello?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No, he was supposed to be there at 8 o'clock.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Sorry, sorry, you're breaking up.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Hello?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26For God's sake.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Come on.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33How can you get no signal outside?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Come on.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Bingo.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43PHONE VIBRATES
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Hello?- Hello. Yeah. Why am I getting customers calling me
0:01:51 > 0:01:52asking where you are?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Err.- You know what, today was an important test, right.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And, congratulations, you've failed. Where are you?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I don't know. I think I'm in a coffin.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Grow up, Darren.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04- HE BANGS - I think I'm trapped in a coffin.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- For God's sake, Darren. - No, wait, wait, wait, don't hang up.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Get to work, now. All right?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Please don't hang up. Please, don't hang up, Ollie.- Oh, OK.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Ollie. Ollie! No!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Morning, Ollie. What you looking for? Nails, paint?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Ah! New brain?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Ah-ah-ah. Sew me up. Darren's address, please.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Why?- First time I send him on a job on his own, hasn't turned up.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I need to go round there and kick him out of bed.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I can't cover him, I've got loads to sort out at the flat.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- New address, please.- He won't give it me cos he reckons I'll give it you
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and you'd go banging on the door every time he's late for work.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50A point you're proving, actually.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Right, then.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57PHONE BUZZES
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Hello.- Ollie, thank God.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Where do you live, you skiving, little shit?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Hey, listen, I'm not in a coffin, I'm in a cupboard.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07What?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I'm trapped in a cupboard!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Do you know what, Darren? I'd tend to believe you
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- if I hadn't heard these excuses before.- What?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Got food poisoning.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Train's delayed.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Won tickets to see The Killers in Vegas.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm trapped in a cupboard.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Right, what can you see around you?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Well, Liz, to my right, I can see the rocks of Stonehenge
0:03:30 > 0:03:31and to my left, just open fields,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- stretching as far as the eye can see.- Really?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36No, of course not. I'm in a cupboard.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- What do you think I can see? - A fawn and a lamppost?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40No, cupboard, Liz. All I can see is cupboard.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Give me your address. I'm coming to get you. - I promise I'm telling the truth.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The doors are locked, there's some old clothes
0:03:46 > 0:03:50and I can't remember how I got here. Ollie, what if I've been kidnapped?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Bye, Darren
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Ollie, don't go, please. Ollie, help! Ollie. Help!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56I take one day off.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Right, how abouts we go find Darren, drag him out of bed.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01He'll be working in under an hour.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I like the way you think.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- There you go.- Thank you
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Right, so, we know where we're going, then?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Yeah. Where else would we go?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Excellent.- All right.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What you going that way for?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- To see my source. You? - Yeah, the same.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Well, I'll just let you know when I've found Darren then, shall I?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Oh, really? Not if I get find him first, hey?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Yeah, whatever.- All right, see you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Day one.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41And I find myself trapped in some sort of cupboard.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45After initial bursts of fear and dread,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48time has allowed...
0:04:48 > 0:04:52a kind of calmness to wash over me.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And now, I find myself somewhat at peace with the world.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I, erm... There's something in here with me!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05It's a rat. There's a rat. There's a rat in here with me!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It's just ladies' clothing.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Clothes left by ladies kidnapped and killed here before me, no doubt.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Left alone to die in a cupboard.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Goodbye, Mum. Bye, Dad.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Goodbye, Tony. Ooh, Tony.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29MUSIC: "Think Twice" by Celine Dion
0:05:31 > 0:05:32HE SIGHS
0:05:39 > 0:05:44# Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
0:05:46 > 0:05:50# You've been the sweetest part of my life so long... # PHONE RINGS
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Bloody hell.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Hello?- Hey, Tony, it's Darren.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- I knew it couldn't last.- What?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I thought, "First time properly alone in the house for ages.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04"Enjoy yourself, Tony" I said.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- None of the usual mental stuff will happen.- I'm trapped in a cupboard.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- How wrong can a man be? - Is that Celine Dion I can hear?
0:06:11 > 0:06:16What? No, err, err. No, it's coming from next door.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Shut up!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20MUSIC STOPS Thank you!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Err, basically, I-I'm a bit...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Listen, Darren. Take a deep breath. Tell me what's going on.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You've just watched too many Saw movies, is all.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32What do you mean? Am I going to have to cut off my own foot? I hadn't thought of that.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Jesus, I am. aren't I? I'm going to have to saw off my own foot.- No.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Darren, that is not going to happen.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Why don't you shout for help? I'm sure someone'll come and find you.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, yeah(!) Shout for help and let the murderers know I'm awake
0:06:46 > 0:06:48and ready to be butchered. I don't think so, Tony
0:06:48 > 0:06:51OK, look, I'm going to come and find you.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52All right, thanks, Tony. Thank you.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Well, that was a waste of a perfectly good face mask.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Hey, Chanel. It's Daddy here.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Turns out I'm not going to be around to show you the things
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I would have liked to. And I'm sorry for that.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14You see, I'm about to die in a cupboard.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15It's Uncle Ollie's fault.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You should definitely blame him when you're old enough.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22You see, he didn't believe me and now I'm dead.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28Anyway, I thought I would document my last few moments for you
0:07:28 > 0:07:33so that, in the future, you can get a feel for what kind of guy I was.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36And I've chosen to do this in a dress.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I don't know why. I was bored. It was here.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No, listen. Rule one in life.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It's OK to be inquisitive.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49All right?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58All right, Kenny?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I hear you're the man who can get things.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Who told you that?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm Phil's niece, Liz.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13That's OK, then. Sorry, I didn't recognise you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You still don't know who I am, do you?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Haven't got a clue. Sorry.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23Phil Flatley. He runs the hardware store. He's my uncle.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Oh, yeah, Phil. Yeah. I love Phil.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- You still don't know, do you? - No. What are you looking for?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Answers.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Hiya, mate. Listen, I just...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- What you doing here?- What are you doing here? Did you follow me?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01No. As if. Darren's just got a new flat, hasn't he?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He'll have needed new keys. He'll have come here,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Kenny would have his address. - Who's Darren?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Darren, you know, Phil Flatley's nephew.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Looks like him out of Thin Lizzy. - Yeah, yeah, I know him.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- He doesn't.- I don't. - What you doing here?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Darren's been here a lot, recently. Kenny's his accountant.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- I wouldn't say accountant. More bespoke financial advisor. - Bespoke dodgy credit card provider.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I also hold a provisional dentistry licence
0:09:25 > 0:09:28and I'm registered to perform civil partnerships out the back, there.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I could sort you out.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- There's nothing wrong with my teeth. - I'm not talking about your teeth.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42- Sorry?- You know, you're well-groomed, obviously work out. Eeeh.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Look, as much fun as it is debating Ollie's sexuality,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- I need to find my brother. - Who's your brother?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51We've just been talking ab... Tall, thin, he's got massive hair.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52You're his accountant.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Ah! I am cognisant, yes. He hasn't been here for weeks.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I think it's because of that lady friend of his.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- He hasn't got a lady friend. - Holding out for him, are you?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- No.- You got her address?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Ah.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- As if by magic. - He's not going to be there, is he?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11He's in his flat, playing with his knackers.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Ah. 20 quid, please.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I will see you later, loser.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I don't think so.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Listen, now we know who we're talking about,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34can you give me his address, please?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Oh, can't. Key cutters' code.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. What? 20 quid?- No.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43But you just...
0:10:43 > 0:10:4550 quid?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47As if by magic.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Yeah, funny that. OK, then.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53All right, Darren Brown, let's see where you live.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58You've got to be kidding me.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Holly Phillips.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It WAS me that vomited in your handbag and I should have told you
0:11:08 > 0:11:13before you went for your purse. I'm really sorry about that.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Helen Doyle.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I don't know why I said I was a hairdresser.
0:11:17 > 0:11:23I mean, I thought it looked pretty good, but, yeah, I'm sorry.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25This is going to be a pretty long list, actually, isn't it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28But you see, Chanel, this is the kind of guy your father was.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Darren lives in the flat above me. How can you not tell me that?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I did try to this morning, but I only found out about it last night.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40How?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44'90S HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Oh! Yeah, man. It's a great party!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Thanks. Thank you very much. Go, go. Dave, Dave, Dave.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Liking your flat, you know. Dave, man.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Oi, Darren. Have a popper. I think I will. Woo!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:59 > 0:12:02KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I know you're in there. I can still hear the music.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I'm trying to sleep downstairs. Would you mind just keeping it down?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:20 > 0:12:22That was Darren. Why didn't you tell me?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25You got in at 4am so drunk, you'd have slept through anything.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30- He was pretending to have a party, I wanted to sleep.- I'm renting the flat under Darren's. I hate my life.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Yeah. Silver lining, though. He'll never be able to sleep in again.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36That's true. Shall we?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Well, that's handy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Brilliant.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Think you can hide from me, do you? Hey, hey?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Right, so he's not here, is he?- No.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Where the hell is he?- I don't know but I need to get back to work.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, you don't. You're the boss now, since you got John fired.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- I did no such thing. - This is interesting.- What?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21This rug has been trampled on by many a shoed foot.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Empty bottles on the table, nibbles, curtains are still drawn.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And, if I'm not mistaken...
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Yeah, the CD player's still warm. There was a party here last night.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Hm. Yeah, that's what I said. Only, I didn't say he was having a party,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I said he was trying to make it look like he was having a party.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Arrrgh.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Shhhhh.- Me shush? You shush! We're trying to sleep downstairs.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02- Why are you below? Who sent you? Who are you working for?- Ollie lives downstairs. You're neighbours.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Well, that's ruined our lie-ins, hasn't it, Cornelius?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Why are you making so much noise? - It's a housewarming party.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- But there's no-one else here. - No, shh. Please, shush.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Are you on something?- No, no, no, I promise, I am as sober as a baby.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20THUD
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Argh!
0:14:22 > 0:14:29Come on, party! Want some dip? Dip? Wicked party, man.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Ha-ha! Yeah, totally, bruv. Look, yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Do you think there are other people here?
0:14:35 > 0:14:40No, I'm not mental. I just need it to sound like there are.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43He knew.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46That dirty, little bastard knew I was moving in,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- so he faked a party to keep me up all night.- Oh, here we go.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Th-That's just evil.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I always knew he was a bit warped, but that's just outright psychotic.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, I'm not entirely sure that's what's happened.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Where the hell is he?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04HE MOUTHS
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Argh, argh! God!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Urgh. I don't want to know what he uses that for.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28No, no, it's fine.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30He uses it as a punch bag.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Pretends it's Simon Cowell.- Nice.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45OK, Darren's mystery girlfriend, let's see who you are.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Hello.- Tony?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Hello!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Joanne?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03What the hell is going on?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09This is getting stupid. I need to get back to work.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10No, I can't.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12If I don't find Darren, I've got to go and get this job done.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Listen, I'm going to ask you a favour
0:16:14 > 0:16:19- and you not going to like it, but, because you're the boss now, it won't be a problem.- Ollie.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21It's midday now.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I need you to wait for the electricity man for me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- I'll be back as soon as I can. - No, no, no, no, Ollie.- Thank you. - Argh!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Urgh.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Yeah, that actually works.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yeah, erm...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Still day one in the cupboard and cold is setting in.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I've used all the clothes I can for warmth
0:16:45 > 0:16:48but there seems to be no stopping the bite of the cold, Arctic wind.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50And to add to my woes...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- PHONE BUZZES - Hello?- Hello.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Why are you calling? I'm trying to save the battery.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Because I've given up on you, you plank.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- I'm going to do your job. You happy now?- Sorry, man. I really wanted to prove I could do it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04But things here just keep getting worse and worse.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Like how, Darren? How's it getting worse?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I need the loo.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Get up and go to the toilet!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I can't! I'm trapped in a cupboard.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Darren, just stop with that crap now.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Shh.- What?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- (I think someone's here.) - Don't be so stupid. What are you talking...?- Shh, shh.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22(Oh, God. Ollie, please help me.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25(Someone's here, I think they've come to finish me off.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- (Please help me. This could be goodbye, man, this could be goodbye.)- Darren.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Darren?
0:17:33 > 0:17:34'WATER TRICKLES'
0:17:34 > 0:17:35You're having a piss, aren't you?
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Ah.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So, Joanne. I thought you still lived with your dad.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Oh, well, yeah, I did. But I just moved in with Steve.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Joanne's boyfriend.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And how was he about...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53you know, Darren and Chanel?
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Oh, well, yeah. He's fine. I mean, he was a bit jealous at first
0:17:58 > 0:18:00what with the fact that I got pregnant
0:18:00 > 0:18:03whilst I was seeing him, but, you know, he's over that now.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05He took anger management classes and everything.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08The second I found out that Darren was missing,
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I came straight round here. Because I reckon Steve's still thinks something's going on.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Oh. No. Why would he think that?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Oh, God. There's something still going on, isn't there?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Well, it's not very often.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I mean, I like Steve, but he's away a lot.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And, with Darren, well, it's just physical.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So, Steve. Is he away a lot with the army?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33No. What makes you ask that?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Oh. What? You mean all the stuff? Oh, no, my Steve's not in the army.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43He works on the oils rigs. Obsessed with soldiers.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47(Loves the idea of being a trained killer.)
0:18:47 > 0:18:53Oh, God. And what would you say the chances are of Steve knowing you're also sleeping with Darren?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, well, 100%. I admitted it to him last night.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Why?- Well, he asked. I just can't lie to him.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- He means too much to me.- And yet, you're still shagging Darren?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yeah, I told you. That's just physical.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14PHONE RINGS
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Hello.- It's real.- What? - All of this, Darren. The cupboard, everything. It's all real.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Whoa, whoa, slow down. What you talking about?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I'm with your dad and we think he's telling the truth.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28We think Darren's locked in a cupboard.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Don't you start.- You don't understand. You've not met Steve.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Who's Steve?- Joanne's boyfriend. - What? Joanne, as in...?
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Yeah. Your dad's distracting her now. Listen. Steve is a genuine, army-loving nutjob
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I mean, he loves Ross Kemp.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- What, him from Spandau Ballet? - No. The guy from EastEnders.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Oh, no, you mean Gary Kemp. Oh, no, no, no, that IS him from Spandau Ballet.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Listen. Steve's got it into his head that Darren's been shagging Joanne.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Why?- Because Darren's been shagging Joanne.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Great, brilliant(!)- Yeah, I think Steve's actually kidnapped him.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I just spoke to Darren. He said he thought he heard someone coming.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Oh, God.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Listen. Text me the address, I'm coming over now.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Darren!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Right. I've got to go for a wee, so don't you dare come now.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Oh, man. Ollie!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40We need to look upstairs for Darren.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Shhh.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43There you go.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Thank you.- Oh, thanks.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Oh, do you want to see my gay scrapbooks?- All right.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Your what?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59This is my gay celeb scrap books.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03It's cut-outs and collages of all my favourite gay performers.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Watch out for all the glitter. - I just need to go to the loo.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- You got one upstairs?- Yeah.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Why don't you just go downstairs like Liz did?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I, err...
0:21:14 > 0:21:15I...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I did a number two.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You do not want to go in there just yet.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's bad.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Oh, right. Oh, OK, then. I suppose you better go upstairs.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- It's second door on the right. - Okey-dokey. Won't be a mo.- OK.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40So, erm, where were we?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Ooh. Who's that?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Thank God.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47No, no, I've been in all day.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50How your man can say there was no-one in is beyond me.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Hello. Hello? Can you hear me?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Hello? Argh! Can you hear me now?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58OK, hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02OK, can you...? Is that better? What about this?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06OK, great. Listen. I demand to speak to your supervisor.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Oh.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12This is a page of famous actresses who are gay.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17This is a page of famous actresses who are not gay
0:22:17 > 0:22:19but have played gay for a role.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And this is a page of famous actresses
0:22:22 > 0:22:24who claim they're not gay.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26But I know.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Judy Finnigan?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- All right, son?- All right.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's all clear up there.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Which, considering what you thought I was doing,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- is a very unfortunate phrase. - Then, where is he, Tony?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Who?- Darren.- Steve.- Oh.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, I don't know about Darren, but Steve's in the garden,
0:22:45 > 0:22:46trying to chillax.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- What?- Yeah. He got in a huff about Darren last night
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and he's been out near the shed ever since. Trying to calm down.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Ha!- You've got a shed?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Yeah.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh, sod it. I'll just unpack for him.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16And it's got a cupboard in it?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yeah, it's just full of old clothes and that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've just found Darren.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Where the hell is Steve?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I dunno.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Hey, wait. What if he attacks me?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Steve won't attack you. He's a pussy cat.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37A pussy cat who's obsessed with the army,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39just found out that you're having an affair with my assistant.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, yeah, and if I'm not mistaken, for many months,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44thought that your baby was actually mine and not Darren's.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Yeah, that's right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Yeah, bet he's a right pussy cat. Right, cover me.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00He can't be that anal, can he?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Wow.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03PHONE RINGS
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Hello? Darren?- Hello?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10He's alive, he's alive. OK. Come on. Let's do this now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Right, we're just outside, mate. Just hold on.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Good. Cos if that's not you, it's the killer getting closer.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right, I'm just outside now.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yeah, I think I can hear you getting closer.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Jesus!- Calm down! - What you doing to me?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Just get on with it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35OK, Darren, I'm just unlocking the door now.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Great, great. OK, open the doors, open the doors.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45OK.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Come on.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I've got it, I've got it.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I've found you, Darren. I've found you, pal!
0:24:51 > 0:24:55SCREAMING
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Is that my dress?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Why does it smell of piss?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I think I know where Darren is.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Good. Where? Argh!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Ah!- Argh!- In the van!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26To the van!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Oof! Ugh!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Jesus.- Ah!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Oh, yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Darren?- He's not making any sense. Why was he hiding in your wardrobe?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- He was trying to hide from mad Steve.- Who's Steve?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Doesn't matter. The point is he's safe. He's been there all night.- The whole night?
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh, my God.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, boy, this is awkward.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Oh, that's what that noise was. I thought it was foxes.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Ha.- What were you doing in my wardrobe?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10In my defence, I think I'm quite concussed.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- How have you got concussion?- I dunno.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Oh! The last thing I do remember is hanging out my window
0:26:16 > 0:26:18trying to find phone reception
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and Steve was on the other end threatening me and...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, hang on.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Mate, I can't hear what you're saying. What?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Yeah, mate, I can't hear...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Yeah, what? No, I've got really bad reception.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I can't hear what you're saying.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40No, don't hunt me down and kill me. I haven't done anything.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Argh!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Ow, ooh, ooow.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Steve's going to hunt and kill me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Stay focused. Too exposed here, Darren. You're too exposed here.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58You need to be around other people.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00You're a ninja.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- And that's why you faked a party? - Yeah, I think so.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- How did you get in the wardrobe?- Oh!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11She went outside to make a call and I snuck in then, I think.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Bloody phone reception.- Yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I thought I'd be safe from Steve in there.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Good thinking, Columbo(!)- Thanks.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- You take Shirley Bassey to hospital, I'll taking these to lunch. - Why've I got to take him to hospital?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- You're the boss.- Business partner. - Brilliant.- That's what bosses do.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Don't worry, I'll drop in on Steve and Joanne on the way home.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- Clear things up.- I need a drink.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- You're buying the first round. - Great(!)
0:27:33 > 0:27:35My face feels funny.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Thanks for rescuing me. It's really nice.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Foxes?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Foxes.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53# Finished with my woman
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# Cos she couldn't help me with my mind
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# People think I'm insane
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# Because I am frowning all the time
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# Can you help me
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Occupy my brain?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Oh, yeah. #
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd