0:00:02 > 0:00:06Wait there, don't get out. Don't get out.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- My Lady.- Thank you.
0:00:08 > 0:00:14And here you go, treat yourself to a pretty little dress.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18I'm sorry, a pretty little dress? Is this doubling up as a time machine now?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Because we appear to be in 1955.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I just want tonight special.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24We've got me and you together alone and a stunning meal.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I never buy you anything, so go on.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31- All right, well, don't expect anything kinky in return.- I won't. - And don't expect change either.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I want you to know I'm appalled by the idea and the only reason
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I'll agree to it is to punish you for suggesting it
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- in the first place. Do you understand?- Not really.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Tough.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I will never understand the way women work.- Ollie!
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Jasmine! Hello.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- Oh, my God, how long's it been? - Since you ripped me heart out and trampled it into the ground?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- I don't know... - I think it's been ten years.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Ten years?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59So, how you been? You look great.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Yeah, thanks. You know, I've... Well, you know this is me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Oh, you took over your dad's business? That's cool.- Yeah.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Clearly keeping in shape.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Oh, I don't know about that, just, er...
0:01:11 > 0:01:17- So, what about you? What you doing? - Me? Oh, different city every week,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- all-night parties, superstar boyfriend.- Really?
0:01:20 > 0:01:25No. I'm single and I work in a solicitor's in Bristol.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Ollie Curry. The one I let get away.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Oh, I don't know about that.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37So... I'm only in town for a day. Do you want to get early drink before I get the train,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- catch up on old times? - I'd love that.- Yeah?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'll finish work early and we'll go for a drink in The Oak?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Give me your phone. - There you go.- All right.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- That's my number.- This is me.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Cool. All right, I'll see you later.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Don't make me miss my train.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Why would I do that?- I don't know.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Good to see you!
0:02:10 > 0:02:11No.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh! Oh, It's a date.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- It's not a date.- It's a date. You know it, I know it.- It's not a date.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28- It's just two friends having a drink, talking about old times. - Answer me this - how do you know her?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30She was my first proper girlfriend.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Do you still find her attractive?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35No, I don't know. She's got, you know... She's got a certain charm...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- It's a date.- It's not...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40God, I've got a date, haven't I?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Yeah, you have. I just hope Emma doesn't find out.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47How's she going to find out? Maybe I should ring her.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Emma or Jasmine? It's a web of lies, isn't it?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Shut up, Darren, you're doing me 'ead in! Winding me up already.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Right, let's see what we've got here.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Here we go - Patrick Smallcock.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04ECHOING, EVIL LAUGHTER Smallcock?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Yeah, it says there, look. "Smallcock."
0:03:08 > 0:03:10If this turns out to be the Patrick Smallcock
0:03:10 > 0:03:13who taught me at school, I'm going to smash his face in.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Shut up, Darren. - Seriously, I really am.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18There's something wrong with you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Hello.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23ECHOING, EVIL LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:26That's him.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Darren Brown?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Darren! You just punched a bloke in a wheelchair!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I know.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I want to do it again.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Hello.- Bloody hell!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Didn't hear you. You're like a little blonde ninja.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- JAPANESE ACCENT:- Why, thank you!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00What were you looking at?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Me? No, nothing. No. Wasn't looking at anything.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Was it that shirt?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- No. No. I've got shirts.- OK.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Then it was either one of the pretty little dresses
0:04:12 > 0:04:14or the Footballers' Wives VHS box set.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- It was the shirt. - Why were you embarrassed about that?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Apart from the general grossness.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I don't know, I...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- It's for a date.- Tony!- A date.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29That's fantastic news! Congratulations!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Well, I don't know.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35What about Ollie? You know, cos of his mam.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38He'll be fine. He'll be pleased for you. Enjoy it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40OK.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43OK, well, good luck.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Emma.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Can you help me? It's been 35 years since I had a date.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Thank God, I thought you were never going to ask.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58OK, firstly, I'm not letting you buy that shirt.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Looks like somebody vomited up a Smurf. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I've been with loads of men.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08No. No, I've been on dates with loads of men.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So, I know about dates. I wasn't saying that I...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I understand. You're a very modern woman.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17No, no, I wasn't saying that... God, this is going to be a long day.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18'What were you thinking?'
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I couldn't help it. The horrors of my past overwhelmed me.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You can't just go around punching people in the face,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25- especially him.- Why not?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Why not? He's in a wheelchair.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- That's discrimination, that is. - No, it's not.- Yes, it is.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34If Osama Bin Laden had been in a wheelchair, would you have said,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"No, Special Ops, don't shoot him, he's in a wheelchair?"
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Darren, that's not the same on so many levels.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42It is to me. He was a vindictive bastard.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44He's right, I was.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46What?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I caused Darren hell, acted a proper asshole with something to prove,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57nit-picking at everything. I pretty much used him as a punchbag for all my frustrations.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- See? He enjoyed it! - It's still no reason to punch me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- You had it coming, Smallcock! - Grow up, Purple Rain!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Darren! What you trying to kick him for?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Stop it, right? Listen, listen. I'm sorry.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- I don't know what's better, do I stand?- Pick one.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22OK. Can I just sincerely apologise for my assistant's...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- Business partner. - ..behaviour. I'm sorry.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30Fine. Look, peace offering. I thought maybe we could sort this out over a cup of tea?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32No, no, I'm not negotiating.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Darren, let me just give you a hand with this.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- I'm fine. - I'll help you, you're struggling.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Jesus, stop trying to help me! I'm better if you don't.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Ha! Pissed yourself. - I think that's very brave.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46It's not brave, it's a fact, you eejit!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- I'm sorry. Sorry, is that burning? - Stop acting like a dick.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Look, can we just have a chat, try and clear the air,
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- so you can get on with your work without me getting under your skin? - Yeah, why not, Smallcock?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Stop saying that like it's an insult!- It is!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, stop it now, the pair of you, please!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- MOBILE RINGS - Let me just... Hang on. For God's sake.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I'm going to take this phone call, right?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I'm going to go outside and come back in. Please, try not to kill each other, all right?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Darren, look at me, please. (Calm down.)
0:07:18 > 0:07:20ECHOING, EVIL LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Hello, Liz.- Are you going on a date with Jasmine Brooks?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- No. It's not a date... - Oh, my God, you are.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Look, how did you even know? - A woman on the bus just told me.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- What?- It's Jasmine Brooks!
0:07:32 > 0:07:36You might as well buy an ad in the Gazette. If I know, Emma knows.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Oh, my God.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when she finds out.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I'd like a ringside seat, but... - Liz, I'm sorting it, all right?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45OK, good luck.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47God!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51MOBILE RINGS Hi.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Listen, erm, I've got a problem with tonight.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, really? What?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yeah, it's just, erm, just something.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04A work thing. I really did want to see you as well.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yeah, me too.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It's a shame you're only in town for one night,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12cos we could have done something tomorrow or on Sunday.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- But that's not going to happen now, is it?- Well...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18it might. I could stay at my sister's
0:08:18 > 0:08:22and then we could spend the whole weekend together.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Yeah, sounds great!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25So, we can have that drink tonight?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yeah, I can't wait.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Me too. All right, see you later.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31- Bye, love.- Bye.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What a dick.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What a DICK!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Right, you two...
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- What's going on?- We're working. - I can see that. Why? Why?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Cos it's what you pay me to do.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Oh, yeah, and we've had a chat, ironed a few things out.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Oh.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I've apologised and he's agreed to let bygones be bygones.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Yeah, it's time I stepped up and showed you how mature I can be. For that second van, eh?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Seriously, everything's cool.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Yeah?- Yeah.- Right. Good, because I've got to pop out.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Leaving town for a few days till it all quietens down?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- I'm guessing you've made your date situation worse. - No, why would...?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22No. You just do your work, right? I'll be back in a bit.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Darren, are you sure everything's all right?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yeah, totally.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28He's fine.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Don't you worry about him.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- I know how to keep him in line if he starts playing up.- OK, good.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Darren, be good, right?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- See you in a bit.- Good Luck.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Chop, chop, get to work.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46ECHOING, EVIL LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Calm down, calm down, it's all in the past.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54You're a ninja.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55A Smurf, really, I...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Why does it matter so much what I wear?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Trust me, Tony, you'll thank me in the morning.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03No, err, sorry, I am not coming across well today.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Right, now it's time to get rid of all your worries
0:10:06 > 0:10:07about telling Ollie.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I don't know...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Come on, he'll be excited for you, you big lump.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You all right?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What are you two doing together?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Shopping! Then your dad insisted we came to speak to you
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- because he's got something to talk to you about.- Oh, OK.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I thought we'd have a talk about relationships.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Oh, God!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Uh, what me and your mum had,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I mean, that was something really special, you know.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Yeah, I know. I know.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Sometimes things change, you know?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I know. I don't want things to change.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I'm happy with the way things are.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01All right.. Well, if that's how you feel...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Well, yeah, it is, yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Well, that's that then, I'll go home and cancel the date.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, I can do that. Fine.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Right. Thank you, though.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Why would you cancel the date?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- What?- She's not going to replace any one, it's just a bit of fun.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- I for one am very excited to meet her.- Really?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Who knows what might happen?- Emma!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Cos I'm not sure that's something I want.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47It's something I want, so stop being so selfish.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I'm going to tell Tony, OK?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I don't see why he's got to know about it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Jesus! She really is a modern woman.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Well, hello there.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Fancy bumping into you in a place like this.- No.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- Why not?- Cos you look like Noel Edmonds auditioning for Grease. Go out and try again.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23All right.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29ON STEREO: # Fight the power!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# Fight the power! Fight the power! #
0:12:32 > 0:12:33RADIO STATIC
0:12:37 > 0:12:39# We've only just begun... #
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Do you remember that time I confiscated your walkman?- Yeah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46The music you had on that was shite.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# They call me Mr Boombastic
0:12:49 > 0:12:52# A really romantic... #
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Clearly your taste hasn't got any better.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Is that the wallpaper I ordered? - Yeah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It looks a little different.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Are you sure you got the right one?- Yep.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Darren, it looks like something you've rolled up and smoked.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Better go check the catalogue, eh?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Brings back old memories, Darren boy.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36# Watching the signs along the way... #
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Calm down, D-Dog, don't lose it now.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Dig in deep.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49OK, so I think we're going to order some drinks now.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'll have a white wine, please. Tony?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54We're in a restaurant, pretend.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59A pint of Nutguzzler, please.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Nutguzzler. Local ale.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Tony, if a lady orders wine, perhaps it's best to order a bottle.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13God, it's been too long, hasn't it? I'm too old.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15No, look, it's going to be fine.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You just need get this sorted and she will adore you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Even if it does go well, I'm not sure I can still...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You know.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Ever since the second... - Oh, that wasn't an image I needed.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Look, Tony, you're attractive man,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35you've just need to start believing it for yourself.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You are Maplebury's Tom Selleck.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45If you say so. It's just...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I don't know what people your age like.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I know. But that's going to be fine.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'm sorry, did you say people my age?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Tony, who are you going on a date with?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I may have got a bit carried away here.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Hey, Mr Loverman.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Shabba.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I had to get some stuff, so I thought I'd come and say hello.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14- Hello.- Hello.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17What do you want, Ollie?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I mean, if you need advice on your love life, just ask.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Did you cancel that date?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Sort of.- What's that mean?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- We're spending the weekend together. - Oh.- Yeah.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- And on the plus side, Emma's already found out.- How'd she take that?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34That's it, good. I think she's wants a threesome!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No, she doesn't. She is not like that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38She is, she lived in London for ages.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I better go back to Darren and Mr Smallcock.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Smallcock?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Patrick Smallcock?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Ollie, you have left Darren alone with the man
0:15:53 > 0:15:55he hates most in the world.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- More than Simon Cowell?- Yeah.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59He's not going to be able to control himself.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01That's where you're wrong, actually.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Because they've sorted it out and Darren is being angelic.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Oh, is he?- Yes.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- MOBILE RINGS - People can change, Liz, people change.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Here he is now. Hello?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hey. I'm losing it, man. I can feel it coming.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm going to crack open and unleash hell on this dude.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I've had ten years of hatred brewing.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21You shouldn't have left me alone with him.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23No, you both said you were fine, you said you were OK.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I thought it would be. I wanted to prove to you that I could do it, but I can't.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I've been thinking of things to do to this guy
0:16:30 > 0:16:32since I was 15, surely I could do a few of them.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That'd be OK, wouldn't it?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37No. Get your work done, Darren, that's what you're there for.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Can I turn his floors into slopes so he rolls everywhere?- No.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Can I make all his shelves high so he can't get his stuff?- No.- Can I..?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Whatever you're about to say, no. No! Right? Do you hear me?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You punched him in the face, leave it at that. Get your work done.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I really need talking down off the ledge.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I'm going do something here. I don't know what or how big it's going to be,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59but I need you to save me from myself.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Right. Darren, listen, give me 20 minutes
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and don't do anything stupid.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05OK.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09EVIL, ECHOING LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm sorry, I'm still taking this in - Jenny Walsh?
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- She was in the year below me at school.- Well, like you said, I'm the Maplebury's Tom Selleck.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yeah, but Jenny Walsh was a slag.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20People change.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23No, not her, Tony. Seriously, she slept with everyone.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Sounds to me like the pot calling the kettle black.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I went on dates. Dates, Tony, not...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, forget it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Don't you think she fancies me then?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36No. No... You're a good-looking guy.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Of course she would find you attractive, why wouldn't she?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's just... Oh, I hate Jenny Walsh.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I thought she seemed quiet nice.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Of course you would. You're 64, she's 27. What's not to love? She'll keep you up all night!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Jenny Walsh, you dirty bitch.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55EVIL, ECHOING LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:57SIREN WAILS
0:18:06 > 0:18:09As I thought.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's not quite squared off.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You'll have to do it all again.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18HE SNIGGERS AND MUMBLES
0:18:21 > 0:18:23HE LAUGHS CRAZILY
0:18:23 > 0:18:25All right, Smallcock.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I should just start over again,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30right from the beginning.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Sorry, Darren, but it has to be perfect.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42It's OK, I'm a perfectionist, too.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44OK... Darren!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Darren! What are you at? Darren, what the...?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Jeez!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Are you all right?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm fine.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Hello? Darren?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Oh, my God, Darren, what have you been doing?!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Hey! Careful you don't trigger anything.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Careful.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Darren... Darren, what have you done?
0:19:24 > 0:19:30Ten years of revenge in one day, my friend. Now, you will hate it, but you have to admire the construction.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34So, Patrick enters the threshold here. "Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak."
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Darren?!- That's what he does. Anyway, so he comes in.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: "Hello, I'm Patrick,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"I'm your old teacher, I used to bully you, I am a twat."
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Anyway, triggers the tripwire which releases...the marbles.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51They, in turn, trigger the video cassettes.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53IMITATES MACHINE GUN
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Which then release the space hopper - thwah!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Which then goes over to the boxing glove. Nyets!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Which leaves him penultimately at the cricket bat. Baza!
0:20:02 > 0:20:03No, Darren, wait, stop.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06No, mate, I haven't even got to the best bit yet - the hammer!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Darren, Darren. Just stop it now, Macaulay pissing Culkin.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Take it all down. It won't work anyway.- Oh, it'll work, bruv, don't worry about that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Darren, just, seriously... You're terrorising a disabled man.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Who's the same as anybody else.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25He deserves this and he'll get what's coming to him and he'll get it hard. You need to stop
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- defining him by his disability. - I'm not, I'm not. I don't want this to happen to anyone.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32SQUEAKING
0:20:34 > 0:20:36What the hell's going on in here?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Whoa, whoa, Patrick, wait. No, don't cross the line!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49What did I tell you? Told you it wouldn't work.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Argh!
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Ooh-agh!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Argh!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Oof! God, Jesus!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Agh!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17HE GROANS IN PAIN
0:21:17 > 0:21:19CREAKING
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Told you it would work.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29HE GIGGLES
0:21:31 > 0:21:32I look like pissing Casper.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Do you know what the worst thing is? You might just be a genius.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40To actually make something like that.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43If you applied yourself, you could do anything you wanted.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44I wanted to hurt him.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Well, that didn't work out, did it? Just glad he had a sense of humour.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yeah, he's quite a nice guy.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Why was everything hitting me in the bollocks?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, he's in a wheelchair. I was aiming for his face.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57You know what, I feel really good.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Ten years of hate and revenge, pfff - gone.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Yeah, I haven't felt this relaxed in ages. I highly recommend it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- Hey, you should date Jasmine, get it out your system.- No, no chance.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I'm going to go there now, tell her the truth and then leave.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'll clean myself up and have a lovely dinner with Emma.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Seriously, you're going to turn down a threesome?- I couldn't care less.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I struggle to cope with one woman as it is.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24# No, no, no
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# You don't love me and I know now... #
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Right, see you later.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Yeah, see you.
0:22:36 > 0:22:43# No, no, no
0:22:43 > 0:22:48# You don't love me Yes, I know now... #
0:22:48 > 0:22:49MOBILE RINGS
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Jasmine, leave me alone. RINGING STOPS
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- Hi!- All right?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Jesus, what happened to you?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- Darren.- Mmm, of course.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10This is your Dad's shirt. The only way to convince him not to wear it was to say I wanted it as a dress.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You didn't have to wear it though, did you?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15No, but he dropped me off on the way to his date so, you know...
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Dad's got a date?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Er, yeah. What did you think we were talking about earlier?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23My date with Jasmine.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- KNOCKING - You have a date with someone else?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Oh, no. No, no. Not intentionally.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30How do you accidentally have a date?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- KNOCKING - I, erm... I'm not going. I stood her up.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Oh, fine.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Is that fine?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38- No! - KNOCKING CONTINUES
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Go away!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43OK, OK, look. I'll just get rid of them and then...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Oh, for f...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Where the hell were you?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You invite me on a date, and then you stand me up
0:23:54 > 0:23:58and don't even have the balls to call me and tell me you're not coming?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00You asked me on a date. I didn't...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Who's she?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Who?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh, her? She's, erm...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13This is Emma.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18She's my girlfriend.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- What? - I didn't say I was single, did I?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- You asked me to stay for the weekend.- Uh, you did what?
0:24:24 > 0:24:29I-I-I got flustered. I've had a really stressful day, right?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33She asked me out, right? Then Darren punched a bloke in a wheelchair
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- and then I thought you wanted a threesome.- What?- What?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39How can this get any worse?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Thanks to you, I've just had a date with a prostitute.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- It's worse. - Jenny Walsh? Dirty bitch.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I'll... I'll tell you later.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I should've known when she approached me. Bloody hell, I even paid a deposit.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Who pays a prostitute a deposit?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00In a restaurant. Bloody hell, Jasmine, what are you doing here?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Ollie's wants me to have a threesome with his girlfriend.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Fair enough. Emma used to live in London, you know?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07OK, either this is some weird sex club,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10or you're all just a bunch of morons.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Either way, I want nothing to do with this.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What happened to you, Ollie?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Pretty girl.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Dad, it's not helping.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Emma, Emma, I didn't do anything.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I've wanted to go out with you for ages. Why would I mess that up?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Because you're a twat?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35- I am a twat.- You are a twat.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- I'm sorry.- Is it worrying that I'm starting to find it charming?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Little bit.- Yeah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43All right, you're forgiven.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Thank you. - Sorry about your date, Tony.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Oh, there's plenty more ladies out there, but to tell the truth,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I don't think they're ready for this jelly.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57What? It's what they say nowadays. I heard it on the wireless.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Oh, my God, I've created a monster. - I'll go and clean up
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- and then I'll start dinner. - Oh, good, I'm starving.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Hey, shall I call Liz? The more the merrier.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Yeah, why not?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11So much for the romantic meal.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Ha ha ha ha!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You're right, I'm a genius.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- SONG: "Whole Lotta Love" - I'll kill you. - I'm fine with that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30That's a good job cos I am going to kill you. Get here now!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I'm going to kill you, you ruddy turd!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# You need coolin'
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Baby, I'm not foolin'
0:26:38 > 0:26:45# I'm gonna send you back to schoolin'
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Way down inside
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# Oh, honey, you need it
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# I'm gonna give you my love
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# I'm gonna give you my love
0:26:56 > 0:27:00# Oh, wanna whole lotta love
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Wanna whole lotta love. #
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd