0:00:04 > 0:00:06Hey, good session, lads.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Listen right, we're going straight to the Oak after here.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I want a pint off everybody.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16Tell you what Ben, we're going to kick some serious arse next week.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Yeah, about that. There's a lot of really good teams
0:00:19 > 0:00:23playing in this tournament. There's a lot of skill, a lot of pace.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- I know what you're saying.- Do you?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Yeah. I won't be crying this year.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32It was an emotional moment, a penalty shoot-out. I missed.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Look. We don't want you playing up front.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36You want me playing at the back in defence?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Bit of an old head back there, I understand, yeah.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Actually, bit further back than that.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43What do you mean?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Well, you know my cousin, Danny? - That cheeky little ball bag?
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Yeah. He's playing instead. He's quicker than you. And he's younger.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52W-what are you saying?
0:00:52 > 0:00:58You've given this team great service over the years, but you have to know when to call it a day.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I'm 32, Ben.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Good. I'm glad you understand.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05We'll see you in the pub. Happy birthday, man.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Come on, lads!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Yeah, great.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Happy pissing birthday.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29How has he replaced me?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Forget about him, son, he's nothing. Open your gift.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Oh, for God's sake.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- I've told you, you can use the paper again.- Just open it!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45All right, I will.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"Classic War Movies 4". Thanks, Dad.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52My pleasure.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Want to borrow this when I'm done?- That'd be brilliant.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- I'm done.- Fantastic!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- I've got your present from Darren. - Oh, yeah?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01He's not coming - he said that was your gift.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's the best present he could've got me.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Right, so same again?- Yes!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Hi, all! Happy Birthday. Before you ask, I haven't bought a present.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13I figured what with you being so old, you probably had everything you need already.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14That's great, yeah.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17So instead, drinks are on me. All night.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Are you going to the bar? - Yeah, I...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Great, I'll get a Sauvignon blanc. New Zealand, not South African.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Oi! Watch where you're going.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise there was a school trip in.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Danny.- Liz.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So, you're on the team?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Yeah. We're celebrating my joining.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46I'm the new, faster, sexier version of him.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, OK.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So. You gonna buy me a drink?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00How about I buy you all one?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01THEY CHEER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Seriously, how can they replace me with a younger player?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15We're really going to do this now, are we?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Fine, go back to sleep. Just saying.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Thing is...- Oh, God!- I don't need pace. Because I've got experience.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25First two yards are up there, aren't they?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31We need to go to sleep, OK? So just sshh!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Why not just join another team
0:03:35 > 0:03:38and win the stupid tournament with them?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- I could do that. - You could do that, yes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Imagine the look on Ben's face if we won.- I'm imagining it now.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I'll do that. I'll phone round some teams tomorrow.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Shut up, Ollie.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Well, usually I play up front but I'm happy to play anywhere, really.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'm a handyman.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58About size 9.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I've just turned 32.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Hello... Hello?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10That's just rude, that!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13What is wrong with this pissing bell?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14It's old!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Probably want to replace it with a sexier, younger one, to be honest.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Just saying!- Don't you listen to him. You're not old.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Talking to inanimate objects - first sign of old age!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It's probably gone deaf anyway, being so old, pointless and washed up and forgotten.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Oh, shut up! You're boring!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Come on, Maplebury FC, don't let me down.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Hello?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Hi, I'm calling about the football team advertised in the paper.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I just wondered if you had any space...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55You do?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57My name...?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Oliver Josh Curry.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Tash. I'm the manager. We're really excited to have you here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I bet you can really teach us some mad skills.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Yeah, I've got some ideas. A few tricks I've learned over the years.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well not a lot of years, just a small amount of years.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Sounds good to me! Let's go meet the other players.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17OK. Wait, wait does that mean you play on the team, then?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oi, I'm as good a player as anyone.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21No, I wasn't saying that...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Right, go and stand in goal. - No need for that.- Go stand in goal!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Come on don't be silly!- DO IT!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29OK, then.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Right, I'll curl the ball round you to the top corner.- Brilliant!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45HE GRUNTS IN AGONY
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Don't ever question my place on this team again.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I was just saying...
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Right! Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone else.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Ollie Curry, this is Maplebury City FC.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15THEY MURMUR GREETINGS
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Maplebury's a town. - Yeah. I know. It's a joke.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Oh, brilliant(!)
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Ollie's from the Saturday leagues. He's going to save us from abject humiliation.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Don't say that. Who's to say you aren't as good as any other team?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You play in the same tournament, don't you?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32It's for charity. I think they're letting anybody play.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37I'm here now and I'm going to help you, and you lot, win this tournament on Saturday.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Right? We could be heroes - just for one day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44David Bowie?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Yes, man! I heard it in the van on the way here. I love that song.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I need a bit of commitment, right. Who wants it?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Eh? who wants it?! Come on!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54I do!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Good, good that's a start, you see?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Bit of training. Nothing's gonna stop us now.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Starship?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I'm not doing song lyrics, it's just a nice thing to say.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Nothing going to stop us now. Gets us going.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Late as usual, here's our goalkeeper.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Ollie, this is Dazza. Dazza, Ollie.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Ollie's come to help us out.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25No!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Shut up.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- So the milkmaid said "Pull the- udder- one!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:38STILTED LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Do you want some more wine?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Don't mind if I do!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- I- love- this place!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Have you been here before?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Once. Just thought it'd be the type of place you'd like.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58You were right.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Man, they do a lot of soup.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Mm.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Why would you think I'd like it here?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- I dunno. I've never been out with an older woman before so...- What?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Sorry. Do you prefer "cougar?"
0:08:21 > 0:08:24No, Danny - I'm 27!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Yeah, like I said - Cougar!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Raow!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30And look, I was right - you love it here.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Danny no, I don't, so leave it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yes, Mum. Ma'am. Yes, Ma'am. Joke.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I was gonna say "Ma'am". Like in the army.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Next time, we go somewhere younger.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42There's going to be next time?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Just shut up and eat your bread.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Hello!- Here he is...- You're late.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I know, sorry. I'll just get cleaned up and I'll make a start on dinner.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- You cheered up any?- Yes, yes I have, thank you very much.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Good. Cos I know what it's really like to be put out to pasture.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I wasn't put out to... I'm 32. Jesus!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02So, how was training?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06You know what? Darren wasn't very happy, but it was really good.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Do you need me to come Kick a few people in the air?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I don't even know what that means. So, no. you should be resting.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Oh, there's this one guy on the team, right?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19When he runs he... Like, honestly.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- I'll let you see for yourselves when you come down at the weekend.- What?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- What?- You expect me to come?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Well, yeah.- To watch you play football?- Yes.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Why? - Because you're the Posh to my Becks.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I can't do Saturday. I have a breakfast meeting.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, it's all right.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44It's just football, no big deal.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47OK, I'm going to go start dinner.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- If we wait for you, we'll starve to death.- Yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Sorry, just to clarify. if anything, we're both Becks.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58How are we both David Beckham?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01We're different sides. You're the good looking, sporty side.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I'm the entrepreneur and brains.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You're David Beckham's brains? No wonder you're so small(!)
0:10:06 > 0:10:08(Right!)
0:10:11 > 0:10:12OLLIE YAWNS
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Oh, Dad, listen. I'm having a few problem fixing an old doorbell.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Any suggestions?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Chuck it out, get a new one.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27What's wrong with it?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I'm thinking of doing extra training on Thursdays. What do you think?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What is that annoying whining sound?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It's so high-pitched and weak.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Seriously? You're still doing this?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I hope it stops immediately, before I smash it in the face!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- What's the problem? I'm trying to make you lot better. - You've ruined it!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Last night, after training, I bumped in to Tash in the chippy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I was getting a battered sausage and chips. Know what she asked for?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50A salad, Ollie.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Can you get a salad in a chip shop?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57The point is - she wanted one. Because you said it would help.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Yeah, well, it will. - There you go again!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Before, the team was fun. We didn't care.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05But the second I saw you, I knew it. I thought "That's ruined, then."
0:11:05 > 0:11:09It's still going to be fun! And we get to kick Ben and Danny's arses.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I'll pay you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18£10 a session.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22£20 and I'll do it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24£15, right?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28But listen, I want total commitment, Darren. Right? Deal?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Deal.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Deal.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35See you tonight at training. All right.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39No wait, Darren, it's not the end of the work day! Get back here! Darren!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47WHISTLE TOOTS
0:11:47 > 0:11:50What the hell are you doing? Some of them nearly hit me!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54James, was that you? Oh, big guy now! I'll smash your face in, bruv!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Darren, leave it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59OK people, this is getting better!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I need some side-skips round the pitch. Come on.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Come on Darren, you too. - So stupid!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11DARREN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- What are you doing? - Aren't you laughing? It was funny. - No, it wasn't!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Just keep going round the pitch to loosen up.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Sorry! Who doesn't wear pants to football training?!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Why aren't any of you laughing? It's funny.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29You know what, Darren?
0:12:29 > 0:12:34- Perhaps you shouldn't play for this team any more. - Perhaps I don't want to!- Good!- Good.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You're a massive bunch of losers!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- No they're not.- We're on the cusp of being winners.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44No. You're not, you're rubbish! Why can't you accept that?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Stop acting like a child, Darren.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Stop acting like an old man, Ollie!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I'm not old. I'm 32.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I'M NOT OLD!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00JAGGED, GRIMY HIP-HOP PLAYS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02No.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08This isn't music.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Oh, my God, what was that?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Oh, you wouldn't know it. It's really underground.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I think I preferred their earlier work.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What, you listen to this?
0:13:22 > 0:13:27God, no! You say that when someone plays you music and you want to look cool. Bit of advice from me to you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- What do you want, Emma? - Nothing, nothing. Just a chat.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Are you going to support Danny at this tournament on Saturday? - Er, yeah.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Right. And if for some reason you couldn't go, what would you do to show your support?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Would you get a banner with his face on,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44with slogans like "Go Danny Go" on it? Would he like that?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Yeah, he'd love that.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You're asking me this because?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I'm just worried because I said to Ollie that I couldn't.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Hello, hello, hello!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Ooh!- What?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You two. Together. Should I run and duck for cover?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04No, Emma was just asking me for some advice.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh, yeah? Well, you've come to the right woman
0:14:06 > 0:14:08cos at school, we called her Auntie Liz.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Old head, young shoulders. - Not that old...
0:14:11 > 0:14:12No, no Liz is really cool(!)
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- MUSIC BLARES - Thanks for the chat.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Love you.- Bye, love.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Since when do you listen to that crap?
0:14:26 > 0:14:31Since ages ago. Though I think I prefer their earlier work.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- Are you feeling all right? - Yeah, fine. Why?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's just that music, man. It's just...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39MUSIC BLARES
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Liz, turn it off.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Liz don't start doing all this...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I need to ask you something.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Liz, Liz, listen...
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Are you going to do that while I talk to you? That's...childish.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Oh, God. Ughhh!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Hey, jump in.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Nice wheels. Didn't know you had a car.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I don't - more of a scooter girl myself.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23OK. So whose car's this then?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Hmm... Dunno.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27You don't know?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31No. I was thinking to myself, what is it the kids like to do today?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And then it hit me -
0:15:34 > 0:15:36joyriding.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- OK...- So I nicked it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Buckle up.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Rrargh!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49TYRES SCREECH
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Oh, shiiiiiiiit!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54What are you doing?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Doing what all the young kids do.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- You stole a car!- Don't act like you haven't done it before.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- What the hell is wrong with you?! - Nothing. Do you want a go?- No!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I can see why you all do this... This is great!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07We don't all do this. THIS isn't what we do!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09POLICE SIREN
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Shit! It's the rozzers.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15What do we do? Do we run? Do we stay?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18What do we do? Do we run? Do we stay? Do we run? Do we stay?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21WE STAY! Jesus Christ, Liz!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23YOU STAY! SHE CACKLES
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I heard you're a goalkeeper down.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Lucky I was here.- What are you doing? You're not well enough.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Not well enough? Standing out in the open air watching you run around?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I hear you're really good now so the ball's going to be up the other end most of the time...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59No, Dad. Gerry's going to go in goal when he gets here...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03That's not going to happen... That was the old people's home.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Gerry didn't wake up this morning...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09At least it was in his sleep.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I'm sorry...erm... I...I didn't really know Gerry...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Does that mean we're playing in the game or not?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, we're playing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34We're playing for Gerry!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, thank God for that, right, cos this, this is our moment.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Martine McCutcheon?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42No, no. How bad do you think my music collection is?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Still need a goalie?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Right, Dad, you can play in net, but listen to me now - you take it easy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- And no playing dirty either. - I don't know what you mean(!)
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Good to see that Emma's made her presence felt.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02OK, now tell me...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Can we do this?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Yes.- Yeah.- Yeah.- Can we do this!? ALL: YES!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yes! Come and win this match - come on!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Right, come on City!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13See that big one?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Right, first corner, get your studs right down the back of his shin pad.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Come on City!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39So, you ready to go down in a ball of flames?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I don't think so. I've bought marshmallows.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Not for cooking on the flames when we go down, for when you go down.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50We're going to cook them on your flames. How do you like that, eh?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Where's Boy Wonder then? - He'll be here in a minute.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Let you down has he? - Shut up and let's do this.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Bring it on, Sunshine.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00# Jabbie doh bay Swing doh bay
0:19:02 > 0:19:04# Shudlee bop Shudlee boop
0:19:04 > 0:19:06# Whoa-oh-oh
0:19:06 > 0:19:07# Wee-weeoh
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# Wee-weeoh dee woodlee didlee whoa-oh
0:19:11 > 0:19:12# Zwee
0:19:12 > 0:19:14# On the intercom Rosie tell me to come
0:19:14 > 0:19:17# Said she didn't have a daughter She did have a son
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# She say the lift doesn't run Run up the stairs and come
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# And if you don't come quick You not gonna know that son
0:19:23 > 0:19:26# So I grab a bunch of rose And I started to run
0:19:26 > 0:19:28# Here I come Oh whoa... #
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Well, that was embarrassing!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Shut up, Dad.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I thought I might just leave the ball in the back of my net for the second half.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I thought we could do this,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50but I've let my pride get in the way. Sorry.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Well this doesn't look like much fun does it?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54What are you doing here?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I wasn't going to miss this - I wanted to enjoy your pain
0:19:57 > 0:19:58and you've not disappointed.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01No, no, don't listen to him, now. We've got the second half.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Just use what we've learned in the first half, all right?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Or you could just start to enjoy yourselves.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I mean, look at you lot.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You've lost sight of what's important.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Ask yourself this - are you winners?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Yeah!- Yeah. - No, you fools, you're not!
0:20:16 > 0:20:20All right ask yourselves this - are you rubbish?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Come on, accept it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Are you rubbish?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- ALL: Yes.- Yes! Yes! And what's wrong with that?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I mean individually, you're awful, but as a team you're even worse
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and I don't even know how that's possible, but it is.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Just accept who you are. Who you were.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42We had something that no other team had.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45We played to have a laugh and have fun.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48That was it. Nothing more. And he's drummed that out of you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49You have.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59All I'm saying is that you could be heroes just by being yourselves.
0:20:59 > 0:21:05Your useless, unathletic, incompetent selves.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- He's right.- Thank you.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14So I'm going to ask you again - are you winners?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- ALL: No!- No! But do you care?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- ALL: No!- So let's get out there and be shit!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21ALL: Yeah!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Come on you slow coaches, come on! Work it!
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Like it!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- It's exactly what I always do, isn't it?- Huh?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Try and find what I don't have, take the fun out of everything.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You just spent two days trying to fix a doorbell,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44that I kept swapping the batteries out of to piss you off...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- How is that not fun?- You what?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Do you fancy getting thrashed?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54All right!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Come on! Come on!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Come on! Bring the pain!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Yeah! Come on!
0:22:01 > 0:22:02ALL: Argh!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Gummity, gummity
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Whirly, whirly
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Gummity, gummity
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Whirly, whirly
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Shake your tikka masala sala
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Whoah...argh!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18THEY MAKE NONSENSE NOISES
0:22:20 > 0:22:22# A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird
0:22:22 > 0:22:25# B-b-b-bird, bird, bird b-bird's the word
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# A-well-a bird, bird The bird's the word
0:22:28 > 0:22:30# A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well a bird is the word
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word
0:22:32 > 0:22:34# A-well-a bird, bird, bird Well a bird is the word
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word... #
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Go on, lads! That's it! If you can't beat them, scar them!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# ..bird, bird, b-bird's the word
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# A-well-a don't you know about the bird?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# Well, everybody's talking about the bird
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# A-well-a bird, bird b-bird's the word
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# A-well-a... #
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Wait! Wait! I'm not ready yet!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
0:22:59 > 0:23:01# Don't you know about the bird?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word... #
0:23:06 > 0:23:08END OF HALF WHISTLE Whoo!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Don't know what you're all looking so happy about, bunch of losers.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's not about the winning, Ben - you don't look happy.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Hey. How did you sleep? - How do you think?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Best date ever!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I don't think so.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Hey, it was always going to happen
0:23:33 > 0:23:36and now we've got a great first kiss story.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38OK, you're actually scaring me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Well, can't say I didn't see this day coming...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Enjoy your night in the cells?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Shut up, Martin.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48You shut up. I'm going to enjoy this.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Oh, my God, do you two actually know each other?
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Do you get arrested a lot?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No, he tried to train me as a community support officer.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- I'm not a very good pupil. - I'll bet.
0:23:58 > 0:24:0411:45am, interview with Elizabeth Brown and Daniel Brigstocke.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07PC Martin Orsom questioning, O-R-S-O-M.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10So, it turns out the owner of the car didn't even notice
0:24:10 > 0:24:15it was missing, and because I'm so awesome, A-W-E-S-O-M-E,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I've managed to get you off with a caution.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, my God, thank you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Yes!- All that I need from you is that you pay for any damages
0:24:22 > 0:24:27and to admit to me right now which one of you actually stole the car.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29She did. It was her. I was just a passenger.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Pshh!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Your mother's outside waiting.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Obviously, we had to call her, what with you being a minor.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40What...who's a what now?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Danny. Didn't he tell you?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45He's only just 15.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I, er...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oh, God...
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Oh, God - I'm Mrs Robinson!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57We need to get this going now, mate.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I don't know where he is. Look, I'll sort it.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01They'll be getting hammered, you know.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Hey. What did I miss? - Where have you been?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- I got arrested. It was brilliant! - What?- Nice.- What?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Yeah.- Hiya.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Hey! You made it.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yeah, meeting got cancelled. Someone stole the client's car.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16What? No! Shut up - in Maplebury?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18What is the world coming to?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21So, are we all gutted we didn't make the final?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24No, we're not, are we? I think we're the real winners.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Such a bell-end. - What are you laughing at?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- You watch too many Disney films, son.- I think it's sweet.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Thank you, love.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Hi. Look, mate, we're totally screwed.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Danny's still not turned up. - He's grounded.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- What?- What?- Nothing.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Look, our sub's injured, we're a player down.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I need you back on the team.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oh, really?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Well the thing is, I'm getting a Zimmer frame delivered in a bit,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54then I've got to watch Midsomer Murders.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Look mate, don't be a dick. You want to play in the final or not?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08OK.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11What?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Look, it's just something I need to do, right?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26TRANQUIL CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:26:26 > 0:26:27WHISTLE BLOWS
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Referee!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01WHISTLE BLOWS
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- We got a penalty. - Right, this one's mine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- What are you talking about? I got fouled, I'll take it.- No way.
0:27:10 > 0:27:131-0 down, it's almost full time, we need this for a shoot out.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15You'd be one man down if it wasn't for me. Come on, Ben.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Come on, please, I need this.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19OK...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Do NOT screw this up.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Don't worry, I won't.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Come on!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44He's really going to do this, isn't he?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- What?! - HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Hey, sorry mate, must have been my hip replacement, eh?
0:28:04 > 0:28:05END OF GAME WHISTLE
0:28:05 > 0:28:07CHEERING
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
0:28:13 > 0:28:14# People try to put us d-down
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Talkin' 'bout my generation
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# Just because we get around
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Talkin' 'bout my generation
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# Things they do look awful c-c-cold
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Talkin' 'bout my generation
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# I hope I die before I get old
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Talkin' 'bout my generation
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# This is my generation
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# This is my generation, baby... #
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd