0:00:02 > 0:00:03So, I've got some big news.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- I'm buying a flat.- Oh, wow! Amazing!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11What, like a buy-to-let sort of thing? You go, girl.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15- No, I'll be living in the flat. - Right, OK.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17OK!
0:00:17 > 0:00:20So, you'll be the landlady and I'll be your lodger.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21That'll be funny.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24No, Leanne, it's a one-bed flat.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Right. So...?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I'm moving out, Leanne.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34We won't be flatmates any more.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Um...
0:00:47 > 0:00:48OK, wow!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Congratulations. I'm so happy for you.- OK.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Are you going to miss me?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58God, yeah. Of course, I'll miss you.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Feels like we've lived together for forever.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Two years, eight months.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03You're the longest one by two years.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- So, where is this flat?- Bedminster.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Bedminster? That's, like, the other side of Bristol.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- You're going to be so far away. - Yeah, shame.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I'll have to stay when over when I visit.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- I don't... - Oh, can we go by Londis?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I need to stock up on some crisps and Tampax.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'm coming on tomorrow. I'll get some for you as well.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Oh, no, I'm good actually, I'm not... - Rhona, girls who live together,
0:01:28 > 0:01:29flow together. Science fact.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59DOOR OPENS
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Ladies...thank you for your time.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Here's a leaflet
0:02:05 > 0:02:07that you may find helpful.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11And I'm required to pass on.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14We've no further questions for you tonight,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17so we'll arrange a car to take you home.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- KNOCKING - Excuse me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25INAUDIBLE
0:02:33 > 0:02:35What the fuck?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37For fuck's sake!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39All right, go and get the lady officer.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Now, in our communication with a suspect's solicitor,
0:02:57 > 0:02:58we were required to inform him
0:02:58 > 0:03:02that two eyewitnesses had positively identified his client.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07During this process, it appears that, regretfully,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10your names were involuntarily misnonredacted.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11(What does that mean?)
0:03:11 > 0:03:13By which you mean...?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Your names were inadvertently passed on to the defence's legal team.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The good news is that, at least until this goes to trial,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23you'll both be granted protective witness status. Let me assure you...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27SHE GASPS
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You'll be issued with new identities
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and the requisite documents to accompany them.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32I want to talk to your boss. No, in fact, MP.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Get my MP on the phone.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Can I just say you've come to the right person for this?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I've got a BTEC in Performance Arts,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41so I know all about creating character.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44There really is nothing you would call acting involved.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48One starts with the shoes. Through the shoes, one finds the walk.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Is this all really absolutely necessary?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud
0:03:54 > 0:03:56over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59The people it involved are considered highly organised
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and extremely dangerous.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18What's this? I asked for a Mini Milk.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Mate, that's worth five Mini Milks. - Don't care.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I ain't selling it, am I? I want to eat it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- I want to eat a Mini Milk. - Boys...
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Look, I got a job for yous, ain't I? This one's come from upstairs.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36The Osama Bin Big Bollocks himself, yeah?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Said he wants my soldiers, DJ Safe As Fuck...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40DJ Sound As Fuck.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And, er...
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- Appraisal.- Wants my boys DJ Sound As Fuck and Appraisal on this one.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52They need taking out.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55See where I'm coming from?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Now, er...
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yeah, yeah, of course, man.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Loads of times.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07We're cool.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12MUSIC: Lapdance by N.E.R.D.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14# I'm an outlaw
0:05:14 > 0:05:16# Quick on the draw... #
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Get one with the porn!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23PHONE RINGS
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hello, I'm John Inverdale.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Usually, it gives me, and others,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41a great deal of joy when I say that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43But today I say it in an altogether more sombre tone,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46because if you're watching this video, it means you been placed,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50or are about to be placed in police witness protection.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54First up, I want to talk about "legends",
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and I don't mean Beefy Botham or Sting.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Legend is police terminology for your new identity
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and the requisite documents that come with it.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Sarah Penn.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Lisa Smith.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Li-sa Smith...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21My mind's filling up with ideas already.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Who is Lisa Smith?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25What are her dreams?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Can I see a statement of exactly
0:06:26 > 0:06:28what you're going to tell my employers?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Do you know, I think Lisa Smith hasn't always been happy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- I'll make sure it's run by you. - There's a darkness to Lisa Smith.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Something in her past.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39If I can ask you to hand over any cards?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Debit cards, credit cards, anything that identifies you.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46But she'd be strong. Well, she's had to be.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51From now on, I need you to only use these names, even in private.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53There are bank cards and PIN numbers in there.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55The account will be topped up weekly
0:06:55 > 0:06:58and you'll also find £60 of vouchers for George at Asda.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Ooh!- OK, if you're ready, I'll take you to your accommodation.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- SHE GASPS - Ooh, exciting!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07HORN BLARES
0:07:07 > 0:07:08HELICOPTER WHIRS
0:07:13 > 0:07:15'You have reached your...'
0:07:19 > 0:07:22This is nice and it's bang in the centre of Swindon.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Right. I thought you were supposed to match our current living situation.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29I don't understand.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33We live in a Victorian conversion with period features.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I'm not seeing cornicing.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You lived in a two-bed, this is a two-bad.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Hey, there's a lovely smell of egg in here.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I'll be in touch.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Er, actually...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45if you think about it,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I was in the process of moving out of the flat I share with Leanne.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Ah!- Sorry, Lisa.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54So, technically, shouldn't I be given a place of my own?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I'm sorry, we're not required to budget for that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And there's no sort of top-up system?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Is there an equivalent of BUPA?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15God, look at this place!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It'll feel like home once we've got a Glade plug-in.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27The police are effing morons!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Hey, this will cheer you up.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Guess who held on to her Boots advantage card?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Leanne, that'll have your name on it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yeah, and 2,000 points!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- That's the business end of a femidom.- No, I'm serious, Leanne.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You need to cut that up.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- Seriously, this affects both of us. - OK, OK,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47But you owe me at least ten Meal Deals.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49God.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Morning, all. Well, here we are. Day one of WitPro.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What should you do?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Well, I'll tell you what you shouldn't do.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You shouldn't just sit around, knees knocking,
0:09:04 > 0:09:05chewing on your fingernails.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It can be a while before your legend is tested,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10so best get the first one out the way.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Something nice and simple.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You're going to register with your local dentist.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17So, put your shoes on, get off the sofa
0:09:17 > 0:09:18and get ready to say,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, nice.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Is that a character detail?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- No, it's a mild asthma attack.- Oh.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Hi, we'd like to register as new patients.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Because we've just moved here, because of, with our jobs,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52from a different area to this one.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55OK, well, let's get you on the system.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Who wants to go first?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00My name is Sarah Penn, I live at 39 Woodbridge Court,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I work in the public sector.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Fine, and, er, can I get your NHS number?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Seven.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Seven.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17- Is that another seven or...?- Seven.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Sorry about her, um, she's a little bit nervous.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Um, she had an experience when she was younger.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- Dentist put his thingy in her mouth. - No, no, that didn't happen.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Bless her. Abuse memory. They cover it up.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Your dentist here, he doesn't do that, does he?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Well, actually, Dr Prakesh is a lady.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Ah, did you hear that, Sarah?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Lady dentist, hasn't even got a thingy.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44We haven't got our NHS numbers. Is that going to be a problem?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46No, that's fine.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Can I get your name?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50My name is...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53..Mystique.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Mystique?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58And could you spell that for me?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Ooh, now you're asking!
0:10:59 > 0:11:00M...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You on the internet there? Can we google it?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Mystique? What the fuck?!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I just felt, in the moment, this woman's not called Lisa.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, for god's sake, this isn't Inside The Actors' Studio!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17This is trying not to get murdered in Swindon.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Well, I like to ad-lib a little. Keeps it fresh.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21That bit that you did about the dentist
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- putting his thingy in your mouth - great!- You said that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26All right, it's not about taking credit for this bit or that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I'm just saying, it was a nice detail.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29It brought the character to life,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and I could tell she really enjoyed it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Look, we don't want her to enjoy it, we want her to not think about it.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Is someone cross with themselves because she thinks she was rubbish?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Mmm.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You were fine and you're going to get even better.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Until then, I got absolutely no problem with picking up the slack.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Now, we've got 60 quid's worth of George at Asda vouchers
0:11:53 > 0:11:55burning holes in our pockets.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Let's dress Sarah and Monique. - Mystique.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Yes, I like that! Monique Mystique.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Next!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- You killed a man before?- Nah...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16In the end, he pulled through.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- What about you?- Yeah, mate.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- When?- On holiday.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Corfu.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Guy slagged off my pedalo.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Bang!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Smashed his windpipe.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Now I can't set foot on the island.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Or book a holiday through Thomson direct.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Next!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We want to look at the register.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52The election thing with the, um, people's names and shit.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Can I ask why?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Fucking...school?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Certainly.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Yeah, well, I've just moved to the area, you see,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07with my friend Sarah, who's also single, like me, single.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- OK, well then, you should definitely come.- Hmmm.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14They don't do peach frappes, so I got you a tea. Hello?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Sarah, this is Patrick.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17It was so funny!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Patrick left his receipt thingy in the cash machine,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22but I chased him and gave it to him.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Yeah, it was a close call. I'm actually still shaking.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- You cheeky... He's taking the piss! - Hm.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Patrick's having a house party tonight
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and he's very kindly invited us along.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Yeah, one of my flatmates is a really talented beatboxer,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39but he's away for the weekend, so it's a perfect time for a party.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, shit!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45We can't because we've got that, um, thing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46What thing?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47You know, that bloody, um...
0:13:50 > 0:13:51..christening.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53What, tonight?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Oh, tonight?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Sorry, I thought you meant the party was on, um, Sunday morning.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- So we can go then?- Yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Amazing.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And you were talking to that guy because...?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Rhona, he clearly looked at my baps.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Now, if I don't say hello, how suspicious is that?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15We've got to be careful, Leanne, he could be anyone.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He's a student nurse. I asked him.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20He's basically doing a degree in being lovely.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Well, we're obviously not going to that party.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Rhona, we have to act natural,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and that means we can't run a mile every time boys talk to us.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29We're two normal girls,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33and when normal girls get asked to parties, they say yes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- I just feel like it's risky. - Well, I'm going.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You're more than welcome to join me.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41OK, we go for one hour, tops.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42That's the way.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44We could do with a bit of nightlife.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Have you ever been out in Swindon? It's mental!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49A bit like Gloucester,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50only not so stuck-up.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55BUZZER SOUNDS
0:14:57 > 0:14:59HE SNIFFS
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Are you ringing for flat two?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07They're not in.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I don't know when they'll be back.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- Can I help you? - Do you know 'em?- Oh, yes!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Lovely girls. They always shut the back gate.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22I sometimes accept parcels on their behalf.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Have you come courting?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28DOORBELL
0:15:28 > 0:15:32MUSIC: Daft Punk Is Playing At My House by LCD Soundsystem
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Hi.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47H-hi.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Sarah. Penn.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I work in the public sector.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Manage a small team.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Six years I lived in Saudi with that particular husband
0:16:09 > 0:16:11and I wanted for nothing.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Servants, perfumes, fine silks,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17but there were two things I wasn't allowed.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18My freedom
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and a Facebook account.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Oh, wow.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Hi, I'm Sarah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I work in the public sector, I manage a small team.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35And I said, "Well, Hassan, we have a phrase in English.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"'If you love someone, set 'em free'."
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And I took my burka off
0:16:41 > 0:16:43and I threw it into the champagne fountain.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50And I said, "Hey, just because this is the public sector
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"doesn't mean I'm afraid to bang a few heads together."
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Do you know what I'm saying?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I manage a small team - that means a few things.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- RADIO:- Earlier today, police were called to a house in the Easton
0:17:04 > 0:17:07area of Bristol following reports of gunfire.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09A spokesman for the police confirmed
0:17:09 > 0:17:11a 76-year-old woman was found dead at the scene.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Her name has not yet been released.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16In other news...
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Mate, I know what you're going through.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You should have seen me in Corfu.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Couldn't even finish my egg and chips.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27But you became a man today.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Respect.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I'll do the next one.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38You've kinda got me in the mood for it now, actually.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Someone's having a good time!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58This guy is a scream!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Whoo!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- I'm Mystique.- Ooh!
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Sorry...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Look!- What?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Him.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh, yeah!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Patrick looks well fit in a suit, doesn't he?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42No, him!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Hm?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Oh, bums.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Wakey-wakey, Rhons!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Hey, that was a bit of a close shave last night, wasn't it?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07What are the odds?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Oh, well, all's well that ends well.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Probably laugh about it in a few years. I made you a cuppa.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Oh, you're up.- Yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20How come?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I can't do this any more. It's too dangerous.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26What, are you going to go to the police?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28They got us into this mess in the first place.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32No, I am going to do what I always do. I'm going to sort it out myself.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It's that Virgin Media contract all over again.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40S...So, what are you going to do?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'm going to talk to these people, strike a deal.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44What, the baddies?!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Are you mad?- Leanne, these are businesspeople.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50All they want to do is sell their illegal fags without any hassle.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- The police said...- Of course the police are going to say
0:19:52 > 0:19:55they're bloodthirsty murder-bastards -
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- they want us to testify. - Well, they shot that guy!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00That was a precision hit. Strictly business.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06Listen, I have seen Breaking Bad, I've seen...most of The Wire.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10We're only in danger if they think that we're a threat. Think about it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15If they can avoid bloodshed, they will. I mean, you've not read
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Freakonomics, but bloodshed is bad for business.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It brings police attention.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23If they can be assured we won't testify,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27they'll have no reason or wish to do us any harm.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Hmmm...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Rhona, hon, I know you're feeling kind of shaky because I had to
0:20:33 > 0:20:36save you at the dentist, but honestly,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39you're not in any danger at all.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You're with a BTEC-qualified actress,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46and I am more than happy to use my gifts to keep you from harm.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Listen to me...- In fact, I've got some ideas about Sarah Penn,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- and I'd be delighted to workshop them with you.- Listen to me!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58You are the problem! You are fucking terrible at acting.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It is your acting that is going to get me killed!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05That is why I am doing this, you silly, silly shit!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Boys, I'm, erm...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35looking to score a medium portion of ecstasies.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42No? Not to worry, should probably have an early night anyway.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43But before I go,
0:21:43 > 0:21:48I just wanted to put the word out there about something...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51get it out on the street, as it were.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Now, I presume you boys heard about the shooting on Parsons Lane?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Well, my client,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01the person I represent,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04was a witness to that.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09Now, obviously, the po-po have been on her balls trying to
0:22:09 > 0:22:13get her to talk, but my client is a woman of business
0:22:13 > 0:22:18and she wants it to be known that she is willing to cut a deal.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25So if the interested party would like to meet with me,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I will be in the Ambassador's Lounge strip club from four.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I'll be the lady who doesn't have her tits out.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Community leaders in Bristol's Easton district expressed shock
0:22:55 > 0:22:58today following the shooting of a pensioner in her own home.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01The 76-year-old, whose body was discovered last night...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- Look, I can't talk now, I'm nearly there.- Rhona, wait...
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I'm meeting them at a strip club,
0:23:09 > 0:23:10the one near Robert Dyas.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13It's safe for them, it's where they like to do business.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Rhona, please, stop...
0:23:14 > 0:23:18You'd know if you'd gotten past episode three of The Sopranos.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Oh, I'll call you later.- No, Rhona - I mean Sarah - if you refuse...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Oh, bums.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Mate!
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Mate!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I know where one of them is, and it's brilliant.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# Talk dirty to me
0:23:45 > 0:23:46# Talk dirty to me
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# Get jazzy on me
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# You know the words to my songs... #
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Would you mind just keeping an eye on that while I nip to the ladies?
0:23:57 > 0:24:02I presume you have a ladies. For the performers and lesbians?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Great!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Mate, this is going to be sweet.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14We'll have a few beers, a few quick fucks, then we'll drop the body.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18No, actually, we'll drop the body first, then we'll have the fucks.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Cos you know what women are like. They see you drop a body,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24they ain't going to make you pay for your fucks.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Talking of which, give me the gun. I'm going to do this one.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Oh, my God, Rhona, you're not dead! Come to me.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51LOUDLY: Sorry, I don't know anyone called Rhona.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54What are you doing here?! I said I'm taking care of this.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, my God.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Oh, my God! These people ARE bloodthirsty murder-bastards!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Come on.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- That's them, that's them!- Oh, my God, our lives are going to end here,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25in the Ambassador's Lounge near Robert Dyas.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The police are going to see my brown pants, and they don't match!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30What are we going to do?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Erm...all right, listen.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I've got a plan, but it involves a certain amount of acting...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38and you getting your ninnies out.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- COCKNEY ACCENT:- Get out, you slag!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I take you in off the streets and this is how you repay me?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Selling it on the side in the bogs!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51This is a classy establishment.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56I will not have brasses dragging it down to the gutter!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57You're fired!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01That was brilliant!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- They totally bought it. COCKNEY ACCENT:- Come on!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I'm going to stay in cockney till the train, if it's all the same.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Let's get aht o' here!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15How...how come he's got Visa Electron, then, if he ain't 18?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I'm scared, Rhons.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Like, more than when I saw Paranormal Activity 4 on my own
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- and that old man tried to talk to me.- I know, mate.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Listen...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38..thanks for saving me today. Seriously, you were amazing.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- You don't have to say that. - No, I mean it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43For a second or two, I honestly felt like I was being
0:26:43 > 0:26:46chucked out the Queen Vic by Barbara Windsor.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Thank you!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51That is the highest compliment you can pay an actor.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56We'll be all right if we just stick together, yeah?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Yeah.- Come here.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04By the way, um, if I tell you something, please don't shout at me.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- W-what is it?- Well, you know my Boots card with my name on it?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- Mm...- I...didn't cut it up.
0:27:17 > 0:27:23OK. Um, let's cut it up now, shall we?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27And I lost it, with my purse,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29in my bag.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Right.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35And I think I know where it is.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I will come with you and wait outside.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Well, you're going to have to come armed.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Ha... Hiya!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Mate? It's me.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08We got him. And I mean we fucking got him.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I know your little secret, Mystique.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Your name isn't Mystique at all, is it?