0:00:02 > 0:00:07The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18Mr T is on a special mission.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20He's been searching far and wide -
0:00:20 > 0:00:23assembling an army of extraordinary individuals -
0:00:23 > 0:00:27people who boldly venture where others fear to tread -
0:00:27 > 0:00:30people who dare to do things differently -
0:00:30 > 0:00:32people who aren't afraid to ask questions like...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35"Can I fit in that?"
0:00:35 > 0:00:40"What's through that door?" And, "Do I really need a parachute?"
0:00:40 > 0:00:45He's found the stupidest, clumsiest, most dangerous people on the planet.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48He's found the world's craziest fools.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Hello, people of Britain. I'm Mr T and you're watching my TV show.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I've searched all over the world
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and I've found the craziest fools you can imagine.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I've found fools jumping off stuff.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I've found fools breaking things.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I've found fools crashing into other fools.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13I've found so many fools I'm amazed this planet is still turning.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16But enough of this jibber jabber. We can do small talk any time.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I want to see some action!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27First up, we're going to see some people parking their cars
0:01:27 > 0:01:29in new and exciting ways.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Put on your seatbelt and strap yourself in.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It's going to be a riot.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39You're looking at a parking lot in Ontario, Canada.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41The car's looking for somewhere to park.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44As you can see, there's lots of good spaces around.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49That ain't one of them!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I like this guy - he thinks differently.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"I ain't going to park where everybody else parks,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57"I'm going to park on top of another car."
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Here's a lady in France who's already parked.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05All she's got to do is reverse out.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Reverse? Who wants to reverse?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Why go backwards when you can go forwards?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Next up, Finland.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You can tell it's Finland because it's so cold.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26There ain't nobody outside.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31This guy's seeing what it's like to park in a big puddle.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34It's wet!
0:02:37 > 0:02:42Welcome to Spain, or as they say in Spain, "Welcome to Spain."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45That's what the English speaking people in Spain say anyhow.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49This lady is having trouble parking.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53I like her. You know why? Because she perseveres.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You should never quit. Quitters never win.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06OK, lady, you should quit now.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Come on! You can get a tank in there!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14What do you do when you ain't got change for a parking meter?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Boom!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20What does it look like from a different angle?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Similar.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Our next piece of television is from right here in the UK.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31This fool has parked in a no parking zone,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33right in front of someone's garage.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Here comes the owner. He's old and he's angry.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42What is he going to do?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44That's right.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46He's going to push that car right into the road.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50# Move, bitch, get out the way... #
0:03:50 > 0:03:52The message here, don't mess with this guy!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Our next lesson comes from Poland.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Don't sneeze when you're at the wheel or this happens.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02# Get out the way, bitch, get out the way
0:04:02 > 0:04:04# Move, bitch, get out the way
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Get out the way bitch, get out the way... #
0:04:07 > 0:04:10She ain't going to have no trouble finding her car.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"Where did I leave it again?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"Oh, yeah, at the end of that massive trail of destruction."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22More parallel parking - this time from Russia.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I'm starting to think bright yellow is a good colour for this lady's car.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41We can all see her and get out of the way when she's coming.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45# Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way, bitch... #
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Here's a tip.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50When you find your parking space,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54don't waste time with jibber jabber, otherwise this could happen.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I like this woman's style.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I also like her convertible. Convertibles are great.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I like the feel of the wind rushing through my hair
0:05:20 > 0:05:22when I'm driving down the road.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23HE GRUNTS
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Next up, this happens.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30# Get out the way, bitch, Get out the way
0:05:30 > 0:05:34# Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:39That garage door closed too soon! It will not make that mistake again.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45OK, now that we know HOW not to park,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48let's find out WHERE not to park.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Here's five places you shouldn't put a vehicle. Listen up.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Number one, on a boat.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06As a general rule, if you can hear seagulls and smell cod,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09it's probably not a good place to park.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Number two, in a pothole.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15If you find a pothole like this on your road,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17write a letter to the council.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Sign it "yours angrily" so they know you're angry.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Number three, on a house.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Next time you want to borrow a cup of sugar,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29just ring the doorbell like everyone else.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Number four, in the gutter.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35This may look like a good way to hide from traffic wardens,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37but it isn't.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40They'll find you and give you an extra big ticking off.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Number five, in a shop.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47It doesn't matter how much you want that can of fruity juice,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49if you can't find a parking space on the street,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53go back home and take the bus instead.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Now, how many times have I got to tell you people? Crime don't pay!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Now, this is you and this is Mr T.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Now, if you do a crime, this is what's going to happen.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Now, only if these dummies had listened.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23London, England. This guy thinks he can walk in and rob a bank.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Wrong! The alarm goes off and he tries to make a run for it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32He doesn't realise that it's a pull door.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Watch when his hat comes off.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38There goes your disguise, sucker!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Here's another disguise.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51This crook has put a bag over his head.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Advantage, no-one knows who he is.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Disadvantage, he can't see.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01ALARM
0:08:01 > 0:08:05This guy turned out to be the security guard of the store.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07When your security guard needs a security guard,
0:08:07 > 0:08:12it's time to find a new security guard.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Here's another law-breaker
0:08:15 > 0:08:19who thinks he can take someone's money and get away with it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He's not happy with the dollar bills,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28he tries to steal the whole till.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Man, these guys make me so angry!
0:08:36 > 0:08:41I just want to reach into the television and give this guy a slap around the face.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50This guy has been caught on camera breaking into a golf shack.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Once he's in, he can't get back out.
0:09:02 > 0:09:08While you're trying to open that window, let me tell you what it's going to be like in prison.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11It's going to be hard. It's going to be lonely.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Some big guys are going to come up to you and tell you they want to be your friends.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But you want to stay away from them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I got carried away. The point is, don't steal stuff!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Here's another dumb criminal.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Course he's dumb - all criminals are dumb.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35This one walks into a bank in Arkansas and hands over a note
0:09:35 > 0:09:36demanding money.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He obviously didn't do his homework - he doesn't notice
0:09:41 > 0:09:44there's a cop sitting right behind him!
0:09:59 > 0:10:04That's right. The two of them are going to tango all the way to the police station.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16This house is being robbed.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20The burglars are about to make their getaway...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22straight into the pond!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26How do you feel now, toerag?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37This is a pharmacy in Florida.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Looks like crime figures are through the roof again!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Fools profess to be wise but they are ignorant.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55They can't DO no better because they don't KNOW no better!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56They are fools!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and fools have wasted theirs.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15This guy had better head straight to the aspirin aisle
0:11:15 > 0:11:18because he's going to have a huge headache in the morning!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Here's a burglar trying to escape the law by climbing a fence.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35This is the definition of being caught with your pants down!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You dumb fool! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47This crook breaks in a door, runs in, grabs some money
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and then tries to run out a different door!
0:11:53 > 0:11:59All doors for this guy lead to the same place - jail!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Those law-breaking fools deserve everything that's coming to them.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Have a listen to this.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10A man in Iran was arrested after
0:12:10 > 0:12:13one of the worst thought-through bank robberies in history.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17During one busy lunch-hour, the hapless thief entered the bank
0:12:17 > 0:12:21and began snatching money from customers' hands.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25He was quickly overpowered and the police were sent for.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29The man was surprised and confused to find himself arrested.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31As he later explained to the court,
0:12:31 > 0:12:36he had paid a wizard £290 to make him invisible,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40which should have allowed him to rob the bank to his heart's content.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Amazingly, the wizard's spell hadn't worked
0:12:42 > 0:12:46and the man instead found himself facing a long prison sentence.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Now, I know what you're thinking. In a world where criminals are this dumb,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57why don't they get caught all the time? Why ain't they in jail? Here's the answer.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I like the police. They play a valuable role in society.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13They work hard to do that. In fact, they work so hard
0:13:13 > 0:13:16it's no wonder they make mistakes from time to time.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29This cop pulled the driver over for speeding.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33He's about to write him a ticket. Watch what happens next.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55That's right. He locks himself out of his car,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57then offers the driver a deal.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"Drop me off at the police station and I'll forget about the ticket."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Frisking is an important part of police work.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Just make sure when you're frisking someone
0:14:13 > 0:14:15you don't get too frisky yourself.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31This is all kinds of wrong.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37We're going to have to kick this door in.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Next up, a cop notices a house on fire.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45He decides the best way to alert the owners
0:14:45 > 0:14:47is by smashing all the windows in.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Police Department! Your house is on fire! Come out!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Police Department!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- What is the burning for? - I don't know. Come on out.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Is there anybody else in the house with you?- No.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12We got the Fire Department on route. Come on out, ma'am.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Unfortunately, he then finds out that he's been smashing
0:15:16 > 0:15:18the windows in the wrong house.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22OK, there's one occupant in the house. I'm getting her out right now.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24OK. That's the house next to it, Todd.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The one that's on fire is over here.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's the house next door that's on fire. Error!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38He kicked the door in on the wrong house.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I knocked all the windows out of this lady's house.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I thought it was on fire but it turned out it was the house next to it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- How do we write this one up? - You're the supervisor, you tell me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I want to thank you for alerting me about the fire.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Well, I...- Even though it wasn't my house.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Our next clip comes from Russia.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03You can tell it's Russia because everyone is wearing a hat.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12These riot police have just loaded a couple of troublemakers into the back of a van.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15In a situation like this,
0:16:15 > 0:16:20you need discipline, control and tactics. You also need locks.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Where did they go?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Costa Rica.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Take a look at these guys who think they're pretty tough.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Boom! Look after your head, people.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It's where all the happy thoughts are made.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51This policeman pulled a guy over for reckless driving.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55He gets out of his cop car, but he forgets to put his handbrake on.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Morning. Can I see your driver's licence and insurance, please?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I pulled you over to stop cutting corners... Oh,- BLEEP.- Goddammit.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Ah!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- Ah,- BLEEP, BLEEP.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17BLEEP
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Goddammit!- BLEEP.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Don't worry. The guy in the other car ain't going nowhere.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27He's too busy laughing.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Whatever you've seen here today, you should respect the police.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33They have to deal with dumb people on a daily basis.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Take a listen to this.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13You see, people. That's why you need to pay attention at school.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15If you can't spell, you'll never excel!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27The human body is a beautiful thing.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Sometimes you just want to show it off.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33It doesn't always work out, though. Take a look at these sexy fools.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37RAP MUSIC
0:19:49 > 0:19:53The Netherlands in Holland.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Something exciting is about to go down.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00THEY SPEAK DUTCH
0:20:10 > 0:20:11THEY SHOUT IN DUTCH
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I guess we've all learned some Dutch today.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22San Francisco.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26This girl in the window is shaking her bootie to Lady Gaga.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29LOUD MUSIC
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Oh-ho, ho, ho!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Her butt just broke the window.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Don't worry. She's still dancing. She's fine.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's the window pane that's in window pain.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Next up, this happens.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Listen up, ladies. Gravity don't care how hot you are.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You mess with gravity, you lose.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'll say stick to your day job.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Unless your day job is pole dancing, in which case, give it up.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12But let's not judge these sexy fools.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I guess some people are just lonely. Have a listen to this.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19PHONE RINGS
0:22:12 > 0:22:14DIALLING TONE
0:22:15 > 0:22:19That woman was arrested and charged with wasting police time.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23She got a date all right - a date with justice.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29That was exciting! What's next?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Now if you ever worked in a warehouse,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40you'll know that driving a forklift ain't easy, unless you're me of course.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43But then, I can drive anything cos I'm Mr T.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47But for those of you who ain't Mr T, here's the rules for forklift fools.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Rule number one - don't go messing around and breaking stuff.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Rule number two - don't go driving your forklift through a space
0:24:05 > 0:24:07you ain't going to be able to drive it through.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Looks like now would be a good time to take lunch.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38Rule number three - this is a serious piece of machinery, don't go showing off.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Luckily, he was wearing his high-visibility jacket
0:24:50 > 0:24:52so we all saw him land on his butt.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Rule number four - if you're loading up a truck,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01make sure the truck knows you're loading up the truck
0:25:01 > 0:25:04so it doesn't drive away and leave you on your face.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Rule number five - forklifts work better when standing up.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26They ain't so good on their sides.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Don't worry - he's OK.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41Rule number six - don't go driving indoors with your forks up. This fool did.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46And now look at him. He's set off the sprinklers.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I was only going to do six rules,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58but this guy is making so many errors I'm going to have to add another one.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Rule seven - be careful when using ladders.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Rule eight - don't mess around with things you don't know about.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Don't be this guy, just be someone else. It's easier.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Rule nine - keep your foot away from the accelerator.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Were fools born that way?
0:26:55 > 0:27:01No, some were born losers, lunatics, jerks, idiots, morons,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04suckers, dimwits, nitwits, halfwits, misfits,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08derelicts, dingbats, bimbos, winos, weirdoes.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10That's right!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17That's the end of the show. Did you enjoy it? Say yes. Good.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Before I let you leave, I would like to share my final thought.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Wise men talk because they have something to say.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Fools talk because they have to say something.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29See you next time. So long, suckers.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# I pity the fool
0:27:36 > 0:27:39# I said I pity the fool
0:27:42 > 0:27:47# Well, I pity the fool, yeah
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# I said I pity the fool
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# That falls in love with you
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# And expects you to be true
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Oh, I pity the fool... #
0:28:09 > 0:28:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:14 > 0:28:17E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk