0:00:16 > 0:00:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Good evening. Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31A very special edition filled with festive fibs.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36a tough-tackling footballer who's now in huge demand as a commentator.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40In fact, he's getting almost as many bookings for his TV work
0:00:40 > 0:00:41as he did when he was a player.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43It's Chris Kamara.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:51And a writer, comedian and actress who loves animals so much
0:00:51 > 0:00:53she believes they sometimes write to her.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Next door's cat certainly leaves me the odd message.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57It's Sara Pascoe.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02And, on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04an award-winning actor.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oscars, Tonys...
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Franks, Johns and Freds, he's worked with everybody.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's Tom Courtenay.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And the co-host of Pointless,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20who's been described as the thinking woman's crumpet.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Presumably, they're thinking, "I've had two bottles of prosecco, he'll do."
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's Richard Osman.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And we begin, as ever, with Round One - Home Truths,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46And, Richard, you're first up.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I still haven't watched Breaking Bad
0:01:52 > 0:01:53because every time I sit down to start it,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I notice there are new episodes of Homes Under The Hammer
0:01:56 > 0:01:59on the planner and I have to watch those instead.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:03OK, so you have a planner?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06So they're not next to each other on Netflix, these shows?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08No. Unbelievably, Homes Under The Hammer
0:02:08 > 0:02:10yet to break Netflix.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I've genuinely never seen it. What happens in Homes Under The Hammer?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There's three houses each time, they're all been sold, and you see who buys them.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20And then they say, "We're going to come back in six months' time
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- to see what they've done to the house.- Whoa, whoa.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- They renovate the house? - When I describe it,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26it doesn't sound as amazing as when I watch it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So how many episodes of Homes Under The Hammer would you say you've watched?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Have I watched? What, like, ever? Goodness me.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34What, there's too many?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You sound like someone who's slept with so many people
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- they just have to round it down! - LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I would say...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44About 300. I don't know, who's counting?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I would say a few hundred, a couple of hundred.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Is that the sleeping with thing or the...?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:51No, we're talking about distressed semis here,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- so it's Homes Under The Hammer. - LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Give us the summary of your favourite episode.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, you see, these days...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It used to just have the two hosts - Martin and Lucy -
0:03:08 > 0:03:09and now they've gone three-host.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12They've gone Martin, Lucy, and Dion Dublin is now a host
0:03:12 > 0:03:14of Homes Under The Hammer as well.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Well, it was an obvious choice, wasn't it?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18The ex-footballer who wants to help sell houses.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Are you suggesting we shouldn't have ex-footballers on television, Lee?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- You're a football fan as well, right?- Yes, I am.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28If you saw Dion Dublin, would you go,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30"Wow, it's Dion Dublin that used to play for Man United"?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Or would you go, "Wow, it's Dion Dublin,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"the bloke who presents Homes Under The Hammer"?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, don't.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Don't... Rob, you haven't.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Your hands are so big that when you did that, I felt a draft as well.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- That was incredible. - APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:48So, Lee, what are your team thinking?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Do you think this is true?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- First of all, do you believe he watches Homes Under The Hammer?- No.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What? You think he's made all of that up?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54He's too clever for that.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56The thing about Richard is he is very clever
0:03:56 > 0:03:58but he's like high culture, low culture.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- He's one of those very well-educated stupid people.- I am here, you know.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Do you know what?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07At 7'2", I bet you've never had to say that before!
0:04:09 > 0:04:10- So you are saying it's true.- True.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12You think it's...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- I have to go with Sarah, then. - I think it's true as well.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- You're going with true?- Yeah.- OK.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Richard.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18It is...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21..a lie.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:27It's a lie.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Richard doesn't get distracted from watching Breaking Bad
0:04:30 > 0:04:32by new episodes of Homes Under The Hammer.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Chris, you're next.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38My full name is Christmas Kamara.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Christmas Kamara?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45David's team.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Why?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Cos I was born on Christmas Day.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Jesus was born on Christmas Day and his name's not Christmas.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You were named Christmas because you were born on Christmas Day?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59- That's...- Yes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03What happened is my mum was having me at the time...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:08It checks out so far.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13My dad was just about to say happy Christmas to my brother
0:05:13 > 0:05:16when I popped out. My mum...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- You were expected, though, right? - LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:21So your dad was saying, "OK, this is mid-labour,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"time to get some greetings in to other family members."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26OK. "Happy..." And then... "Oh!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Then all of a sudden I popped out and my mum thought,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"I've heard the name Christmas", so she went...
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Well, that is the rule, isn't it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37That the first noise the father makes when the baby comes out
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- just is the name. - LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41But my brother was born on St George's Day.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43April 23, is it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- And...- He's called Red Cross.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- LAUGHTER - He's called George.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And there's your sister, Pancake Tuesday.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Have you got any middle names, Chris-TMAS?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Yes, I have.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59What are they?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00My dad used to be in the navy,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03so it was going to be Christmas Captain Cook Kamara
0:06:03 > 0:06:07but they decided to call me Christmas Columbus Kamara.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Why Columbus?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Because my dad was in the navy.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Yeah, was he in the Spanish navy in the late 15th century?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- He was always his hero when he was a kid.- Right.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29OK, so what are you thinking, David?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Well, what do you think, Tom?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- I'm still thinking about it. - Richard?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I'm really waiting on Tom's verdict, I have to say.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:40David, what about you?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I don't believe it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- No, I don't either.- Oh! LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I think it would be very nice, you know,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50on the Christmas special, to have someone whose name was Christmas
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- but...- And it saves us from booking Noel Edmonds.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58But I just don't think... I don't think people...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I don't think Christmas is really a name.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- All right, so you're saying it's a lie?- Yeah.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05OK. Chris-TMAS.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Truth or lie?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's a lie.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Yes, it's a lie.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Sarah, you're next.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22As a child, my Christmas was once cut short
0:07:22 > 0:07:26when my mum took the decorations down halfway through Christmas Day.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- David's team. AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Thank you. - LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Was she always down on Christmas or was...?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36What happened this year?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Well, this year in particular,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42just halfway through Christmas Day, she was like, "I've had enough!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We'd done the presents...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Had you done the lunch?- Yeah, we'd done lunch. So let's just...
0:07:47 > 0:07:48What was the time?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- 2.30pm.- OK, so pre-Queen.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Oh, we don't do the Queen in my family.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I'm so sorry, David.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- You don't...? You don't listen to the Queen?- No.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Did it become...?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I mean, she's the head of state.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Eight minutes a year, you know?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Six and a half if you skip the bit with the trumpets.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Was it a great dramatic gesture? Or was it sort of...?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It was quite dramatic because...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I mean, were the...the things were on the ceiling?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So taking the tree down and putting a plastic tree back into a box.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28The stuff on the ceiling, did she have to get a ladder?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29We didn't have stuff on the ceiling.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32What, you had no tinsel around the room?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- No.- Oh, this is hardly a Christmas.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You don't watch the Queen's speech. I expect you were having a pizza.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44You were having a pizza and she put the fake tree away,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47like an umbrella. Fine, pop that away.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49This is barely worth hearing about.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Was there a specific incident that set her off?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58She was very disappointed with me and my sisters because...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- In general. - LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I think I had got one present and I had not liked it
0:09:06 > 0:09:07and so that was a bad point,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and my sister, Cheryl, hadn't got out of bed yet.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Now, tell us about your Christmas Day.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm imagining there's a lot more structure to it
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and respect is a word that's coming to my mind.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Er... Thanks, Rob.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, I don't know.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I think I have quite a normal Christmas Day.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I imagine...buck's fizz at 11.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29No, we don't book a band.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:39So, David, what is your team thinking? Could this be true?
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- Heartbreaking.- Yes, completely rings true. What do you think, Tom?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Well, whatever I think will be wrong, so...
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Well, that could be... If that's 100%, that's very useful.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- I'd ask...- What do you think, then?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Well, I'd go with Tom, really.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- I've had an insight. - Tom's had an insight.- Go on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Yeah, I think she's not telling the truth.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Oh, why do you think that? - I don't know. It just came over me.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Right. - LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think she's telling the truth,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16but it's quite easy to know who to side with here.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I literally sit at home all day watching Homes Under The Hammer
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and you're next to a knight of the realm.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Yeah, but...I'd go with him, if I were you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- True.- True. You're saying it's true.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Sarah, a tragic tale.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- A tragic tale.- Fact or fiction?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39This tale was...
0:10:39 > 0:10:40true.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- I told you, you see. - APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Tom, your turn.
0:10:49 > 0:10:55I kick off every Christmas morning with a bowl of cornflakes
0:10:55 > 0:10:58in a sea of Baileys.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Lee's team.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05So, first of all, what's Baileys? Cos you don't seem to know.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06What is Baileys?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11It's a drink, sort of milky alcoholic drink, sort of pale brown.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I like the Baileys because I don't need the sugar.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- LEE:- It's not because you're an alcoholic, then?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19No, no, no. It's all right at Christmas, you know.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Does it make you tipsy?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22There must be quite a lot of Baileys in there to fill a bowl,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24so do get a little bit drunk?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26No. There's a lot of cornflakes in it, too.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I don't want to spoil the day for everyone else by...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32well, for my wife, Isabel, and our dog, Stanley.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I don't want to spoil the day for them by getting drunk first thing, do I?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Stanley's had his photograph on ITV breakfast.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42- Has he?- What did he do?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44He does an impersonation of Maggie Smith
0:11:44 > 0:11:46doing an impersonation of him.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Ready?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It's his paws.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Imagine paws, not hands.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Is this Maggie in Downton, when she sits like that?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Yeah, a bit like that. I think she got it off seeing Stanley do it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09So this is you doing an impression of Stanley
0:12:09 > 0:12:12doing an impression of Maggie Smith doing an impression of Stanley?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Yeah. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- So your wife doesn't... Does she eat cornflakes?- No, she doesn't.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21She knows this is something I did in a previous life.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- LEE:- In a previous life?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24- SARA:- When you were Henry VIII?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You know, I was married before, a long time ago.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31So, Tom, every time you slosh the Baileys on,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34you may as well throw them in her face.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38All right. So, Lee, what are you thinking? Is this ringing true?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I so think it's not true that I think,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44to be that obviously not true, it must be true.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- That's the conundrum I'm in. - Yeah, this game's got to you.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48- It has. - LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- LEE:- What do you think, Chris?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52- Not Sir Tom.- You don't believe it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You don't want to believe it of Sir Tom, do you?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Not early in the morning. - OK, so you say it's a lie.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- I think it's a lie. - You say it's a lie.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I... I think you might be wrong.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Oh, really?- Because it's a festive time of year.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- You might do something unusual. - People do things like that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I do something once a year at Christmas that my wife lets me
0:13:09 > 0:13:10that we don't do at any other time of year.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It might be a similar thing.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Aren't you going to ask me what it is, Rob?- What is it, Lee?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Can't say.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But she has to drink four bottles of Baileys before she'll do it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Time to decide, Lee. What's it going to be?- We're going to say it's true.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27You're going to say it's true? OK.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Tom, truth or lie?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31It is in fact...
0:13:31 > 0:13:32a lie.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- APPLAUSE - I thought he was acting.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:13:42 > 0:13:45who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them
0:13:47 > 0:13:50that has the genuine connection to the guest
0:13:50 > 0:13:53and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56So, please welcome this week's special guest - Dennis.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07So, Chris, what is Dennis to you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08This is Dennis.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We once staged a burglary
0:14:10 > 0:14:14to cover up for the fact that we'd been bunking off school.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Sarah, how do you know Dennis?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18This is Dennis. He's the park gardener who came to my aid
0:14:18 > 0:14:21when my legs turned to jelly mid-run.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Dennis?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28This is Dennis or, as I call him, Squeaky Diesel.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I always fill up at his petrol station
0:14:32 > 0:14:34because his unbelievably high-pitched voice
0:14:34 > 0:14:36always cheers me up.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:40So there we have it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Is Dennis Chris's burglary buddy,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Sarah's gardening angel,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47or Lee's falsetto friend?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49David's team, where would you like to start?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- So, Chris...- Yes?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54The two of you staged a burglary?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Yes.- Explain how that helped cover that you were bunking off school.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Erm...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Well, because, when we bunked off school,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- it was cold, sometimes...- Yeah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- ..so you had to go in the, well... a house.- Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- So we went to Dennis' house. - RICHARD:- OK.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And the key wasn't where it normally is.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Dennis' house is locked?- Yes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Why didn't you then try your house?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Because my mum was in.- OK.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Good answer.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- So I climb up the drainpipe to get in the house.- Right.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- So what...?- Cos there was only a window open, sorry,
0:15:30 > 0:15:31on the second floor.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32And you got in...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- That way, successfully?- Well... - Or not?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- No, not successfully.- OK.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39To try and get the window latch down,
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- which is down there...- Yeah.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44..with my hand...my knees have gone through the window.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Oh, right.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Did it draw blood?- No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Everything shattered that way.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Shattered that way. Was it made out of windscreen glass?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So I went downstairs to let...
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Why hadn't Dennis...?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- ..Dennis... - Do you remember his name?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Your old school friend?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Why hadn't Dennis...?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's Dennis' house, why were you having to do the climbing?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Good question.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I know why, I know why, because Dennis...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Don't say it like you've just thought of it!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You've got to act in this show!
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Dennis...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- ..climbed up the drainpipe first. - Right.- Right.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But his arms were not as long as mine, so when he put his window...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32His arm through the long latch window,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34he couldn't quite reach it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37So you climb in, you go downstairs, you let Dennis in,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39what happens then?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Well, we then realise Dennis was going to be in trouble
0:16:42 > 0:16:45with his mum and his dad when they get home from school, so...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Were they at school as well?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Were they slow learners?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- They were teachers! - Oh, they were teachers?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:57At the school that you went to?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Not at our school, no.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00So what did you do, then?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So Dennis came up with this great idea
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- of making it look like a robbery. - Mm-hm.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08So he said,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Let's break into the gas meter..."
0:17:11 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Murder a postman...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:18..scatter his body parts around...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# We wish you a merry Christmas. #
0:17:22 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:24I think he used a screwdriver,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26flicked up the corner flap,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29put his hands in, got the 50p coins out,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and then we were gone.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And what did you do about finding somewhere warm to...?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Did you use the 50ps to get a hotel room?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40All right, who next, David?
0:17:40 > 0:17:41- Sara.- Yes?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Tell the story of your encounter with Dennis.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I'd been out...erm...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49drinking alcohol,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50with friends.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I was over 18 and it was fine.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Erm, but my friend had given me this advice
0:17:55 > 0:17:58that if you exercise first thing in the morning,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00you sweat it all out and then you feel...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You don't have that hangover thing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So, erm, I ran from my house to the park,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and then I was just starting to go round in a loop,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and I was going to be so ill. I just kept thinking,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"Be sick in a bin. No, don't be sick in a bin."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And I was really desperate for water. And anyway...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16This is like listening to Paula Radcliffe.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:19I was so concentrating on not being sick
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I didn't realise my legs had gone to liquid, and then I just was...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24had my face in the grass.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27And I was thinking, "I'll just stay here, hopefully."
0:18:27 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:29"Everyone'll think I'm a dead body."
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And what did Dennis do?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, Dennis came over and took my pulse.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So I could kind of feel...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Bit sinister.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Did...?- No, no, no! No, no, no. I...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What was Dennis doing in the park, was he...?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44He works there. He's a park gardener.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46He's a park gardener? Like Percy The Park Keeper?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Percy The Park Keeper? - You've not read that?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- No. Have you?- Yes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- What is it?- It's a children's book. - Why are you reading it, then?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Because I'm a father.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:57He's got to have something to do
0:18:57 > 0:18:59when he's allowed to see them on a Friday.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So, he's taking your pulse.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05What happens then?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Well, he kind of took me up and walked me to a bench,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and then went and got me some water from the little hut where he works.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11What a lovely man.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I'm going to write a series of kids' books...
0:19:13 > 0:19:14all about him.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Not sure it's the right market.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Dennis The Menace has got a different ring to it now, hasn't it?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Right, what about...? What about Lee?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Lee is Squeaky Diesel.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29So where is this petrol station?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's about a mile from my house.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33So it's also convenient?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not so high-pitched
0:19:34 > 0:19:36that I'd drive to Harrogate...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37- OK, fair enough. - LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Can you give us an impression of how...?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Well, I could try and do an impression, but I...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Obviously, it won't be as good as...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I find impressionism is for the lowest form of entertainer.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Shall I play you? Like, if I be you in your car, would that help?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Can you do impressions of me?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, all right, I'm Lee Mack.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:57My diesel's run out...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It's good with the way you said, "I'm Lee Mack," cos that...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- That helps.- That clarifies who you're trying to be.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Did you come up with the name Squeaky Diesel, or...?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I was that one, yes.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- And does Dennis know that? - He does now.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- But he didn't before?- No.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16He has no idea what he's doing on the show tonight.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I just told him, "Come along, I've got a free jumper for you."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:22And he said...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- HIGH-PITCHED:- "That's very kind, thank you very much!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:27APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Squeaky Diesel.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32OK. One question,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- this might trip you up.- OK.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Does your car take petrol
0:20:37 > 0:20:38or diesel?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- It takes petrol.- Ah! Got him!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42D'oh!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I just didn't think Squeaky Petrol had the same sort of scan to it.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It just sort of... It felt, Squeaky Diesel just sounds nice.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49- RICHARD:- What do you think, Tom?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It seems so unlikely
0:20:51 > 0:20:55that Lee's car runs on petrol,
0:20:55 > 0:20:56not diesel.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00It so undercuts the truth of what he's saying
0:21:00 > 0:21:03that I think it's probably true, what he's saying.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04What?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:12So, we need an answer.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14David's team, is Dennis
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Chris' burglary buddy,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Sara's gardening angel,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20or Lee's falsetto friend?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Tom, what do you think?
0:21:22 > 0:21:23What do you two think?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Well, I was very taken with your Lee...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Because it's such a bad mistake, wasn't it?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33But Sara didn't like it
0:21:33 > 0:21:34when we were taking the mickey out of Dennis.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Maybe...- There was a bit of feeling there, wasn't there?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah, a bit like, "Genuinely, this man has helped me in the park."
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Yeah, but she... But maybe it was just, you know, acting.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- If turns out you're lying, Sara... - Yeah?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- ..Tom thinks you're a good actor. - Yeah.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- If you're telling the truth...- Oh.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50..he can take or leave your performance.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I mean, I personally...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57The one that rang true the most was Kammy's,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58- I felt.- Really?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Yeah. Did you not?- Really? No.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- No, I didn't.- Oh, OK.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I've just ruled out Sara.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh, yeah?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:08APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Well done. Beautiful acting, Sara.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- But it's definitely acting?- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Richard, would you like to rule anyone out?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Yeah, I would rule out Lee, I think.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21OK.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Well, I mean... That's very easy, then.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25If you're ruling out Sara and you're ruling out lee,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'll rule out Chris and we can move on.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It is time to make a decision.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34So, you...? You think...?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:38For God's sake! Sara! It's Sara! I'm overruling...
0:22:38 > 0:22:39- So you're saying Sara?- Sara.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You're saying it's Sara. Good man!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I'll be so unhappy if I'm wrong!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:46If I'm wrong, Christmas is over!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:51OK. They're saying that it's Sara.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Dennis, would you please reveal your true identity?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yes, I'm Dennis,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and Chris and I staged a burglary together.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Yes, Dennis is Chris' burglary buddy!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Thank you very much, Dennis.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stay there!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Just say that one more time.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- HIGH-PITCHED:- Chris and I staged a burglary together.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20He has got quite a squeaky voice, hasn't he?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Thanks very much, Dennis!
0:23:22 > 0:23:23APPLAUSE
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30And we start with...
0:23:32 > 0:23:33It's David.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Aged nine, I undertook my first ever acting role
0:23:38 > 0:23:41as Joseph in the school Nativity,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44a performance described in my end-of-year report
0:23:44 > 0:23:46as "world-weary".
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Lee's team.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Why did they describe it as world-weary?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I think perhaps I thought Joseph would be tired
0:23:55 > 0:23:57after the long journey...
0:23:57 > 0:23:58- SARA:- It's a long journey, yes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01..and the donkey, and finding the... And perhaps I overdid the tiredness.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03And didn't get...
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I didn't get into the wonder, perhaps, to the extent that...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yes, but I think acting coaches would say, you know, don't...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- You didn't go for the obvious thing of wonder.- Yeah.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Obviously, you had an instinct
0:24:14 > 0:24:16for this wonderful doubt that he must've felt.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19You know, how did this happen? You know...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Exactly.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I don't know whether I understood that at that age...
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Could you give us, perhaps, as a treat at Christmas,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30a little taste of the performance?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Just give us a soupcon.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I have some stuff here that could help you.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Let's see.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You can be the three kings.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, lovely. Pass them along.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43There, pass them along.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Now, then, imagine it was Joseph and Mary arriving, so why don't...?
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Richard, you can be Mary.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Thank you, that's very kind. - There we are.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Would you like to be a shepherd, Sir Tom?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I'd very much like to be a shepherd.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54All right, you know what to do with it.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Here's the baby. Now, remember, you've got to hide Baby Jesus.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59He doesn't appear until later in the script.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Yeah, well, I think that's...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- That's Mary's job.- Oh, I know exactly where to hide that!- Yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Something for David.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10There we are.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12And then...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Tom, would you mind holding the star as well?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I'll be Father Christmas as the innkeeper.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21All right. You haven't arrived yet.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23What, do you mean in my career?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Oh, no, that's been and gone.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:28So.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31HE SIGHS
0:25:31 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Just... I've literally just had a text from Sonia at my NCT class
0:25:38 > 0:25:40and they've had the baby!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- Oh, right.- And look at me, still. - LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Richard, Richard, I think you're getting the period
0:25:44 > 0:25:45a little bit wrong. LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- In those days, no texts, nothing like that.- I just...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I've just seen a star in the sky
0:25:50 > 0:25:52and it's Sonia from my NCT class!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- And they've had the baby. - Oh, that's...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- That's nice.- It's a boy.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Can you stop going on about Sonia?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:00It's just, I'm sorry, I know you get on with her,
0:26:00 > 0:26:01but it's been a long journey.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Yeah, but that's because... - LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06That's because her husband, Adam, has already painted the nursery...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- and certain people haven't.- It's...
0:26:09 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:13This dates back to Homes Under THe Hammer.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I'm sorry, I'm very...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You know, I find the whole thing very touching, but...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:29..I haven't got any lines.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Oh, Sir Tom, I'm so sorry.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'm so sorry. I'm going to give you a line.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- SARA:- Tom?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I've got something, it's all right, I know.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40All right, you've got something, all right. So get ready.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41So, the baby's coming.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43OK. Look!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44- Oh.- Oh!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48And now a shepherd has appeared!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I kick off every Christmas morning
0:26:51 > 0:26:54with a bowl of cornflakes in a sea of Baileys.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:26:57APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Well, there we are. Now, there's our performance.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05So, are you willing to believe that David
0:27:05 > 0:27:09was a world-weary Joseph at nine years old?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- Yes, definite from me.- True?- Yeah.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13He would have been a clever boy at nine years old.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15They would have asked him to be Joseph
0:27:15 > 0:27:16because he's got the gift of the gab.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- And, at nine, he did have a beard. - Yes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It was harder for Richard to get the part of Mary
0:27:22 > 0:27:23cos he was that height at nine.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Like it was impossible for you to get the part of one of the wise men.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:35What are you going to say?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37We will say it is a truth!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39A truth, you're saying truth. David,
0:27:39 > 0:27:40truth or lie?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And it is a...
0:27:42 > 0:27:43lie.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:47It was a lie!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52David didn't play a world-weary Joseph
0:27:52 > 0:27:54in his school Nativity!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55BUZZER
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00And I can reveal that David's team have won
0:28:00 > 0:28:02by five points to one.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Thanks for watching. Goodnight!