0:00:15 > 0:00:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:26 > 0:00:30The show with unvarnished truths and highly polished lies.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:31 > 0:00:35a man who's spent his whole career sitting next to a comedy genius,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39so tonight will be a welcome change for him - it's Bob Mortimer.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:45And a comedian and actress who's been described as having a bit of
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Morecambe and Wise about her.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hopefully, they mean Eric's quick wit
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and not Ernie's short, fat, hairy legs -
0:00:52 > 0:00:55it's Diane Morgan. APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01winner of The Great British Bake Off,
0:01:01 > 0:01:02she's in such demand
0:01:02 > 0:01:05that last December she was asked to go to Luton and
0:01:05 > 0:01:08turn on their Christmas light - it's Nadiya Hussain.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And he's an actor and comedian who had his own show
0:01:14 > 0:01:16where he cycled around Northern Ireland.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Dressed head-to-toe in Lycra is how I chose to watch it -
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Michael Smiley. APPLAUSE
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And so we begin with Round 1 - Home Truths,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of
0:01:31 > 0:01:32them. To make things harder,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34they've never seen the card before,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36they've no idea what they'll be faced with,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Michael is first up.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Michael, please reveal all.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44OK.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49"I have developed a technique to help me deal with annoying idiots."
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Lee, do you want to kick this one off?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Well, first of all, who do you find is an annoying idiot?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01I mean, what type of people?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Just, you know, the GP.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08You know, the General Public wind me up from time to time.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- OK.- And I really want to tell them how I feel,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14and instead of doing that I scat.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- You do what?- What?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I, uh...I scat.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Can I ask at this point...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25what is a scat? Do you know what a scat is?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Like jazz....jazz scatting, isn't it?- It's like, the old jazz scat,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- yeah.- It's your basic jazz rap.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32So, you must make random noises?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Let's... Can we have a scenario now, right?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Is it a...?- That's a very negative view of music, Lee.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's jazz, though.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Fair enough.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43So, if I'm the doctor...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Yeah.- ..what would annoy you if I was a doctor?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47If you kept me waiting for too long and then,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49say you come into the reception room
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- and I thought I was next... - Right.- ..and I went to get up
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- and then you picked somebody else, for example.- OK, well, imagine that
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- scenario, OK?- OK.- So, I walk in, you think I'm going to see you,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and I go, "Mr Brydon, we've got the results of your test."
0:03:01 > 0:03:05And I'd go, "Oh for the bampity-bampity, le-bampity, bam...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- "Da-da-da-dah." - HE MUMBLES ANGRILY
0:03:09 > 0:03:13"Bom-bom-bom-da-da-dah pow!"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's an STD.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Do you promise me that you always do it out loud?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You don't just do it in your mind?
0:03:27 > 0:03:32I always vocalise it. Otherwise, if I don't let it out,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34it might turn into a haemorrhoid.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I must say, that explains a lot.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Well, imagine now, imagine I've made you angry, OK?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Perhaps he's given you an STD.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:53At least have the decency to say I've given it to him via his wife.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Watch him now. Go on, jazz scat him, quick!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I haven't got any babidee-bap-da-diddlygo-da-da-dah
0:04:03 > 0:04:07dah-bam-bam-bam-bam.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Yeah!- See-babbidee-boo-bap!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12See-babidee-boop-boop-boop! Baaaaah.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Wow.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21This is really weird.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26When was the last time you had to employ it, Michael?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Oh, I'd say...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29God, about two weeks ago.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Yeah?- What happened?- The classic thing of the, you know,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36the tourist walking out of the department store and stopping.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And I wasn't paying attention and I walked up and they were there in
0:04:39 > 0:04:42front of me, and I went "Why did you fuh-foh-feh-foh-fah-ba-bee-dee..."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And walked round them and carried on walking.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47What are you thinking, Diane? Does this have the ring of truth for you?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Yeah, it does. He seems really convincing.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51- Don't you think?- Mmmm, I don't know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Why are you getting so upset in the first place?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Why don't you just be like me and really just laid-back?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Just get outside the department store and just stop and enjoy life.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03When I've ever left a department store, I'm always sprinting.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:13It's very bizarre behaviour. If you encountered it, you know?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You can't spend your life doing that.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16So, what are you going to say?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18So we're going to say... You're saying true,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- you're going to say lie.- Yeah. - I'm going to have to go lie.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- It can't be true. - You're saying it's a lie.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25OK, Michael Smiley, was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh ye of little faith.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- It is the...truth.- Aw!- O-o-o-o-oh!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31APPLAUSE
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Yes, it's true - Michael does have a technique to deal
0:05:36 > 0:05:40with annoying idiots and it is scatting. Diane, you're next.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"I once dumped a boyfriend, because I didn't like the way
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"he fell down the stairs."
0:05:47 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51David's team.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53How often had you been pushing him down the stairs?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I just hid his wheelchair.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05If you've been affected by any of the issues
0:06:05 > 0:06:07raised in tonight's show...
0:06:07 > 0:06:08How did he fall down the stairs?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- What was the...?- Very ungainly.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14What kind of stairs did he fall down? Where was he?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18It was just outside his flat and there was, like,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22five steps and then another five steps.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You know those ones that go sort of in different directions?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Concrete steps?- Yeah, concrete.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28So this is nasty, this isn't...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30It was a nasty fall, yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Yeah.- Did you finish with him, because he was so badly injured
0:06:33 > 0:06:35he was no use to you?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40This is sort of, like, the last straw, really.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What was the other straws?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44There were so many straws.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Tell me one.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47He used to fall out of cupboards.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He was quite mean, he was quite a mean person.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Can you walk us through the scenario? What happened?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Yeah, OK. So, we're leaving his flat, he locks the door,
0:07:01 > 0:07:07he loses his footing on the steps, makes a little scream.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- And he just fell. - How many stairs did he go down?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Because the way you've described it, there were corners.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Did he go round the corners?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- I think...- He's a man, not a slinky!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17No, he did.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He did.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So, how did you react? Did your compassionate side come out?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Well, I asked him if he was all right,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and then I sort of made a mental note to cut him out of my life.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33So, what are you going to say? Nadiya, does it ring true for you?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Did you want to leave him before the fall?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- I'd been thinking about it. - Yeah, cos it was the last straw.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It was the last straw, yeah.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40But she only offered up one straw.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43If I had a resentment against an ex-lover,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I could give you a shortlist off the top of my head.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47- Even that was a bit scatty.- Yeah.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- SCATTING:- Waking up and seeing her in bed with the milkman. Ooh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- I think it might be true. - You're saying true?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- We're going to go with true. - Saying true.- Yeah.- Diane -
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- truth or lie.- It is actually...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- True.- Yes.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Wow.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It's true. Diane did dump a boyfriend
0:08:09 > 0:08:12because of the way he fell down the stairs.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Nadiya, you're next.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Right.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"To celebrate her last birthday,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"Mary Berry and I went tenpin bowling."
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Lee's team.- Which one did you go to? She'll say, "Hollywood Bowl."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Hollywood Bowl. - It was the Hollywood Bowl?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Hollywood wasn't with us, though.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Why did you not invite him? Do you not get on?- No, not really.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32No, he's very...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34We'll just edit it at that bit and leave it at that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Just don't like him, just don't like him. He's um...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And also his head is so orange,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42you could accidentally pick it up and throw it down the thing.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Put your fingers up his nose and in his mouth
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and end up accidentally bowling him, like that. "Argh!"
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- He was busy.- Was Mary good at bowling?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53She's pretty good, she's quite fast, yeah.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- And are you quite good? - No, I'm rubbish.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58The thing is, I don't understand bowling.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01All I know is that I need a size eight ball, that's it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Don't!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Do you go out a lot with Mary in your spare time?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09No, because it would look like she let me win, so we can't really
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- publicly...- You mean the Bake Off? - Yeah, it would just look awful,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15wouldn't it? "Look at her having a great time with the winner of..."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Did she let you win?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- No.- Cos it's hard to tell when you watch it on telly.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- You don't how dry the cake is. - Yes, she did, I can't bake.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24No, no, it's true, isn't it?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27You never quite know. You have to trust Hollywood and Berry.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31They could be just going, "Say she's the winner, she'll take us bowling."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Did you and Mary together get a lot of hassle from other people in the
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- bowling alley?- We picked a good time when it was quite quiet,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- so it kind of...- What time is that?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43It's kind of between four and six.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44- In the morning?- No...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Although I think she wouldn't mind a drink at four.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50She'd happily have a drink at four o'clock in the morning.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Right, this is all going on record. So Mary Berry drinks at four
0:09:53 > 0:09:57in the morning and she cheated to let you win the cake-making.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00When you got to the end of the bowling, did you have a meal
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- or did the group just split, then? - No, we had...while we were bowling,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05we had lots of food kind of brought over to us,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- so we had lots of chips and nachos...- Lots of finger food?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Yeah.- Always makes you think, "What's in the holes?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh, no, I never thought of that.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16So, what are you thinking, Lee?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Is that the truth?- For what it's worth, I'm saying no, lie.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21It's a lie. What are you thinking, Diane?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Oh, see, I think it's true.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Why do you think it's true?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Cos it's quite a dull story.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31That is your trailer.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35So, you're saying a lie, Diane's saying it's true.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- This time I'm going to go with Diane...- You're saying it's true?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- ..say it's true, yeah.- OK. Nadiya, truth or lie?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42- It's a lie.- Ugh!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Well done.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
0:10:49 > 0:10:52who has a close connection to one of our panellists. This week,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine
0:10:55 > 0:10:58connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot
0:10:58 > 0:10:59who's telling the truth.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So, please welcome this week's special guest, Michael.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Right, we'll start with Diane.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14What is Michael to you?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15This is Michael.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I once punched him in the face, because I thought he was a ghost.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Bob, how do you know Michael?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26This is Michael and after cutting his hair,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I got a job on a campsite as a hairdresser.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Michael?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36This is Michael. Together we helped free a donkey
0:11:36 > 0:11:40that had trapped itself in a cubicle of a seaside toilet.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46So, there we have it. Is Michael Diane's ghostly guy?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Bob's campsite client?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Or Lee's donkey do-gooder?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52David's team, where would you like to start?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Um, well, Diane.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Where were you when you mistook Michael for a ghost?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I was backstage at the Theatre Royal, Bath.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And what were you doing there?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I was in a play.- What happened? You were in the dark,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- waiting to go on in the wings? - I was in the wings.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- In the wings, waiting to go on? - And...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I'd been told a ghost story about this...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- The Theatre Royal, Bath is haunted. - Where was Michael?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18What was the story?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Well, that the theatre was haunted.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26They said that about once a week, this ghost,
0:12:26 > 0:12:32a man with white hair would float around the theatre.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- So, you heard that story... - I'm standing in the wings...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Uh-huh.- ..I turn round,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41and I see... Well, I know it's Michael now,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44but at the time, I thought it was the ghost cos of the hair.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And I sort of inadvertently punched him.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50And what was he wearing?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53He was wearing quite dark clothes, because he was, you know,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55working backstage.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He looked like he was kneeling on some sort of prop,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59so he looked like he didn't have any legs.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02That's what made me think, "Oh, my God! It's the ghost!"
0:13:02 > 0:13:06So, he had sort of sidled up and knelt on something?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Yeah.- I have to say, I have slightly less sympathy for Michael now
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I realise that what he did is he sort of crept up behind you
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and knelt there.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18That is slightly creepy behaviour, isn't it?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Yeah.- Yeah.- I did ask him why he was kneeling on the bookcase.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I imagine that, at that point, he was also asking you why you hit him.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Yeah.- Which presumably...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Did he answer you? Was he able to say why he was kneeling on there?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yeah, he said there weren't any chairs backstage.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36All right, who next?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Bob. You cut Michael's hair and this was on a campsite.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Yeah.- How did you come to...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Cos you're not a hairdresser, are you?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I'm a hairdresser, David.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You had previously worked as a hairdresser, had you?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I'm from a family, I'm the youngest of four boys,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58and in my family, tradition is that the eldest is a priest,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- then a lawyer... - LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:04..then a teacher and then a hairdresser. So...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10So it fell to me to take up the scissors.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I was given my first set of scissors when I was 13.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19I actually had a pair of scissors when I was younger than that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Were you the fourth child? - No, no, it wasn't...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23It was more for, you know, cutting out bits of coloured paper and...
0:14:23 > 0:14:27No, these, no, no, these were Japanese steels, these were Yasukis.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Right, OK.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31So, you...
0:14:31 > 0:14:34you were given these hairdressing scissors at the age of 14.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Yes.- Had you undergone any further training
0:14:37 > 0:14:40or just were encouraged to experiment?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Well, here's the rub, because Michael, or Micky as he's known,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Micky the Drink, he's...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Why is he called Micky the Drink?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Ah.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Anyway, so, he was one of the first people that I ever gave a haircut
0:15:01 > 0:15:03to as a young boy, as one of my friends.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06And then fast forward to 1982,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I go to the World Cup in Spain.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11There was Michael, Billy the Pigeon...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Gentle Ken...- Billy the Pigeon? - Gentle Ken...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Why's he called Billy the Pigeon? Always finding his way home?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20No, he's a pigeon.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Because he had, like, a flat chest.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33We all went to Spain, we were on the campsite for the England fans.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I, as always, gave Micky his haircut,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38and the one man army from Nottingham,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41the Nottingham Forest fan, who caused all the trouble out there,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43he demanded that he had a haircut.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45What trouble did he cause out there?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Well, for example,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49he rushed to the cafe that we were in and threw a coin like that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Could've damaged anyone.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Luckily, it went straight in the slot machine and won the jackpot.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I'm just going on here, it was really a rather simple story.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08So, I cut Micky's hair as I've done since he was 13...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11So you'd cut his hair regularly, you first did it when he was 13...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- When he was 13.- ..and you were his regular hairdresser.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16No, that would be a lie, but I would always cut Micky's hair.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I was seen doing this, and before you knew I,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20over the course of the next ten days,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I probably did 50 to 60 haircuts.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26And were you paid for these haircuts?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I probably was, but in kind.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, no.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The only thing any of these English fans could say was
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"Huevos solo," and that got you an egg sandwich.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43And I seem to remember that people, cos I was cutting hair,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46it was always in the morning that someone would bring me...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"Mate, you're busy cutting hair, have a huevo solo."
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- So, you were paid in egg sandwiches? - I think maybe I was.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- I don't, I think...- And you did 50 haircuts over, what, how many days?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58I think it was probably eight days.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03So you're having 50 egg sandwiches over eight days?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I mean, I'm interested in the haircuts themselves.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Yeah.- Was there a signature style? It was the early '80s,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11were there mullets going on? I mean, what was the look?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13It was a feathered look I was expert at.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Where I'm from, it's called the foffer.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18You'll probably think of it like Rod Stewart.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Oh, it's a lovely look. - Layered at the bottom, yeah?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yes. Do you still cut hair now?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, not so much now, Rob. I...
0:17:27 > 0:17:32To be honest with you, I can't... I can't do the new cuts.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Did you hear that? "I can't do the new cuts."
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- I can't do the new cuts, no.- Right, what about Lee and the donkey?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41So, Lee, tell us your story.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- I was at the seaside. I went to... - Whereabouts?- Blackpool.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- When was this?- This was last year, believe it or not.- Last year...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Only last year, since the last series
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- and why it hasn't cropped up so far. - Fair enough, fair enough.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55On holiday or were you summer seasoning there?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Summer seasoning? - Doing a summer season?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I'm not a juggler.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00They have comedians in Blackpool.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Or were you giving a keynote speech at the
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Conservative Party Conference?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13All right, I was doing a summer season.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15No, I was just, I was on a little weekend break.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I decided to take my family to Blackpool.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19What sort of loos are these?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Public toilets on Blackpool seafront.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- So, you go into the loo...- I go into the loo...- Yeah, where's...?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- ..to use the toilet. - Where's the donkey?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The donkey is in the cubicle. The door was shut and I did that thing
0:18:29 > 0:18:32where I looked underneath, and I just saw two hooves.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I said, "Will you be long, mate?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Which way was the donkey?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Which way?- Which way in was he?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45He was actually facing outwards,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48so the bottom was stuck in the cubicle
0:18:48 > 0:18:49and the head was sticking out the front.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51So, he reversed in, did he?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55No, he didn't reverse in, the toilet reversed up to him.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Yes, he reversed in.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- OK.- It turns out that someone had witnessed this happen.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00- Yeah.- He'd gone into the toilet...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Who is this person who witnessed this happen?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It was...some guy was in there.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Some other guy, not Michael, and he goes,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"I tell you what's happened here, this donkey..."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- And what did he say?- I walked straight over and I went,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"Blimey. There's a donkey stuck in the cubicle!"
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And the man told us, "This donkey has wandered in from the beach,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20"you know, where they do the donkey rides and then someone had used
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"the hand-dryer and he's freaked, ran round, got disorientated
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"and then reversed into a cubicle."
0:19:28 > 0:19:31At this point, Michael was in there, cos the other fella went out,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33he said, "I'm not dealing with that, I've got to go."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"I'm just the one that's here to explain the scenario."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38The guy said, "I'm not dealing with this,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"I've just got a leopard out the sink. You can do this one."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46So he goes out, and the donkey's back end was literally stuck inside
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- this, inside the cubicle. - How did you get the donkey out?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I pulled, I pulled the reins as hard as... He had reins.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55That's why we knew he wasn't a wild donkey, cos there are wild donkeys
0:19:55 > 0:19:57in Blackpool. I'm pulling on the reins like that,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and Michael sort of tried to lean over the back,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and he had his beach towel with him, and gently gave him a little...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I wouldn't say a whip, that would be hard, but enough to make him try
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and come forward. But it just didn't work.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- We could not get this donkey out. - Right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- It died. - LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:16The hooves fell off. "Join us next week on..."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Yeah, and...- At least he was the right way in to use the loo.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Yes, perhaps he was using the loo!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- That's why he wouldn't come out, he needed the loo.- Yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I hadn't thought of that. I say donkey, I mean fat bloke.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I remember now, it was a fat bloke, and I wanted to use the toilet.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I think he had one of those funny little Blackpool masks on
0:20:34 > 0:20:38of a donkey. It's all coming back to me now. "You're arrested!"
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I did three months in Parkhurst.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- That's the end of the story. - You did three months in Parkhurst
0:20:47 > 0:20:49since we last did the show?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Actually it was the prison office.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55HE MUMBLES
0:20:56 > 0:20:58So, there we are. We need an answer.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02David's team, is Michael Diane's ghostly guy,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Bob's campsite client,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06or Lee's donkey do-gooder?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Well, what do you think?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11See, I first, when I heard Diane's story, I thought that was a lie,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and then I heard Bob's story...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And Lee's story,
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- and then suddenly, Diane's story seems a little bit more real.- Yes.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26I think it's Bob. I think giving your man a haircut is the truth.
0:21:26 > 0:21:2850 haircuts a week, paid in egg sandwiches?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I don't know that you can do that hairstyle with one pair of scissors.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I'm from a family of hairdressers and I just don't think you can do
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Rod Stewart with the one pair of scissors.- She's from a family of
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- hairdressers. Did you have more than one pair of scissors?- No.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43My response to that, Nadiya,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- is a family of not very good hairdressers.- O-o-o-o-oh.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Two sets of scissors?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- He looks round about Bob's age. - And Bob's haircut.- Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- DAVID:- Can I just say, one final chance,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02he looks to me like a man who hangs around gentlemen's toilets.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- I'm going with Diane.- Yeah.- You're going with Diane, you're set, then?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13David's team are saying that it is Diane.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Michael, would you please confirm your true identity.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20My name is Michael and Bob gave me a haircut at a campsite.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30We can actually see photographic evidence of Bob
0:22:30 > 0:22:34cutting Michael's hair. There they are.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Oh, my gosh. It really did happen. - Thank you very much, Michael.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It is Lee.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Possession.- Right.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Under the desk is a box, so pop it on the desk very carefully,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56very carefully, like that.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02"I've recently got into baking and here's a cake I made yesterday,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- "specially for David."- Oh.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh, it ain't bad, is it?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Let's have a proper look at that cake.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Wow.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20That is uncanny.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's got all of my thousands of teeth.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Why don't we see how close a depiction it is?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30We have the technology to do what they call split screen.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Look down camera one.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46OK, so, talk us through what's gone into making that cake.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Well, how do you... What do you want to know first?- How you made it.- OK.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Right, first of all, I made the cake,
0:23:53 > 0:23:54let's call it the cake bit, right?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I made a sponge, that's the word.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- I made the sponge first. - How do you make a sponge?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00How DON'T you make a sponge?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01How DO you make a sponge?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05No, let's do "How don't you make a sponge?"
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- OK, what you do is you get your eggs and your flour...- Of course.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- ..and then...- How many eggs for a sponge of that size?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- I would say, for that size, the bottom bit...- David's bottom...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Or the other bit, really, they're the same size.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Oh, no they're not. They're not, David.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Your bottom is a lot bigger than your top half.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22For the bottom, I use about...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- I would say I use about six eggs for the bottom sponge.- O-o-o-o-oh.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Nadiya, six eggs for the bottom, yes or no?
0:24:28 > 0:24:29So, 12 eggs altogether?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- No.- Yes.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34No. I didn't say how I'd made the top sponge.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38What temperature did you bake it at?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42It was... The room was room temperature at the time.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47I preheated the oven at 180 degrees, because it's fan-assisted,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49so I knocked off 10% for that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- Oh, right, so...- That sound right, Nadiya?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Almost convincing.- Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54- Wow.- You knocked off 10%. - You always do.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Knock off 10% if it's fan-assisted.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Mm-hmm.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Just going to have a little lick of your moustache, David.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I hate to say it, Lee, but you've slightly spoiled my present.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Wait till you eat it and you pass out and wake up in me cellar.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22So... Six eggs per sponge?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- No, no, no, three eggs per top half and bottom half.- OK.- Right.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- How long do you leave that sponge in?- I would say...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31What I tend to do is, I don't do it the traditional way of timing it,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I keep a good eye on it, and I wait till it's sponge-like
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- and take it out.- OK. - It takes about...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- I'd say it took me about... - Half an hour, Nadiya?- ..40 minutes.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I mean, unless you bake, you don't know...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42when you've got a fan-assisted oven...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- It's difficult, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45- LAUGHTER - Difficult.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He seems to know...he seems to know that bit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50You seem to know that bit of information, which is...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Not everyone knows that.- Well, people are stupid.- Yeah, well...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Let's go to the centrepiece.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Yeah.- The crowning triumph,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00which is the wonderful visual depiction of David.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01How did you approach...?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Yep.- ..bringing him so vividly to life?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Well...- Talk us through that.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Well, I started off, I tried to do you.- Here we go.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12But that came out very bitter.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Lee, even though you violated David's face,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22who would like to try a piece?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- I'll try some.- All right.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Now, what flavour is it, just so we know when we taste it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It's a sort of, it's an orangey citrus invention.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34OK, here we go. Here's the first slice. This is going to Diane.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Yes.- There you go. And then Bob.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39How would you describe the flavour, Diane? I won't be insulted.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It's very dry.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Well, it wasn't dry when I made it last week.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- David, would you like a slice of your own head?- Yeah, I would.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Yeah, I'd love one.- Nadiya, you be the judge.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Listen, don't hold back, I can take it.- We can all have this.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55It looks like cake and it tastes like cake...
0:26:55 > 0:26:56But it acts like a carpet.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01It's dry enough for me to believe that you might have made it.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02- Aaah.- What?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- What are you thinking, Michael? - I think
0:27:05 > 0:27:08that he's been doing a bit of baking. I think he's made it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- I think it's bad enough for him to have made this.- Whoa!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Michael, you also think... - Unfair.- ..you also think he did it?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- I think he did.- Yeah.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Yeah, I think, I think maybe... I think...
0:27:20 > 0:27:21He's just cutting your eye out.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25You know, often on this show, you say I don't see things from your
0:27:25 > 0:27:27point of view? Well, let's...
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Is everyone still here?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41David, it's time to decide.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Well, I think...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46We think it could be true.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47- You're going to say true?- Yeah.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- OK, Lee...- I'm going to keep these and take them home.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And wear them when I make love to my wife.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00All right. Was it the truth or was it a lie?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Well, actually, it is in fact...a lie.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10BUZZER Oh, that noise signals time is up.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12It's the end of the show, and I can reveal
0:28:12 > 0:28:16that David's team have won by three points to two.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Well done. Well done.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Thanks for watching. Goodnight.