0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening. Welcome to Would I Lie To You?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27the show with barefaced lies
0:00:27 > 0:00:30and well-masked truths.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31On Lee Mack's team tonight,
0:00:31 > 0:00:35an American comedian, actor and star of The Simpsons.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36One of the few people for whom
0:00:36 > 0:00:38having voices in his head
0:00:38 > 0:00:39is actually a good thing.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It's Harry Shearer.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:47And she presents The Great Pottery Throw Down,
0:00:47 > 0:00:48which I think is just smashing.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's Sara Cox.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00a comedian who used to be a glass collector in a comedy club.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It was a tough job but he picked it up as he went along.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04It's Jason Manford.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And the BBC's former chief political editor.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15In one year, he asked politicians a record number of questions - 5,000 -
0:01:15 > 0:01:17and got a record number of answers - seven.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's Nick Robinson.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:25So, to round one, Home Truths,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27where our panellists each read out a statement
0:01:27 > 0:01:29from the card in front of them.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction -
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and Jason is first up tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40OK.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45"I once wet myself whilst baby-sitting a toddler."
0:01:45 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Lee's team.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49When was this?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I reckon I was about...
0:01:52 > 0:01:53..12 or 13.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's quite young to be baby-sitting.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's not in the North. LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Most of us are parents by that age. I was going to say.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:02So, whose baby was this, then?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Was it a neighbour's or...? It was...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06No, no, it was, like, a niece...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09LIKE a niece? No, no... LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Was it a nephew?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:13No, it was a niece.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15No, a cousin. Well, it's hard to...
0:02:16 > 0:02:17It's a niece.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Why didn't you go to the toilet? Because...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I, like, heard... I heard a voice upstairs.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"LIKE" a voice? Like a voice, yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Like a niece's voice? LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It was like the voice of a man,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32like, of someone who shouldn't have been up there, like...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh. Like a voice that I didn't know... Yeah.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36..and I just got scared. I thought it was a ghost.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38So, you heard this voice and you went to investigate?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It was on the baby monitor.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42So... What did the voice say?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It said... "Wet yourself."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:48HARRY: Go ahead!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50It wasn't an instruction. It was just, like, a voice.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"I'm in the toilet, it's occupied."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56So, what did the voice say? I can't remember the exact words, but...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Cos you always forget what a ghost says.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Did he speak in English? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was English.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02What kind of accent?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Like a Northern accent.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06He wasn't going, "Oooooooh!"
0:03:06 > 0:03:07He wasn't doing like a typical ghostly noise,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09he was just going...
0:03:09 > 0:03:10"Ay up."
0:03:10 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And then did you go upstairs?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I went up and...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21there was nothing there.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And did you ever get to the bottom of what this voice was?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Yeah, I think what had happened was
0:03:24 > 0:03:28the baby monitor had tuned into one of the neighbour's baby monitors.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Oh, yeah. I was just listening to, like, someone three doors down.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34When you realised that you'd had an accident
0:03:34 > 0:03:35because you were frightened... Yeah.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39..did you then make any attempt to sort of get changed or...?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40No, I still... Can I say, Sara,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42it's a lovely line of inquiry
0:03:42 > 0:03:44but can I just go a step further
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and ask the extent of the spillage?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Because...
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Well, no, no...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51There's the full-on,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53there's the deluge, then there's something
0:03:53 > 0:03:55that some of the more middle-aged men on the panel might...
0:03:55 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58..might be aware of,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00which is the sitting and, "Oh, not again."
0:04:00 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Can I just say -
0:04:03 > 0:04:05you're saying this out loud. LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Was it age-related seepage
0:04:08 > 0:04:09or did the levee break?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, stop saying "seepage."
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Rob, are you hoping to become...?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Cos there are many products for gentlemen of that age
0:04:15 > 0:04:16with that problem,
0:04:16 > 0:04:17are you hoping to become the face of them?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Only if you're wearing a Brydon will you have real peace of mind."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:29APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Rhymes with Dry-don.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32"Stay Dry-don in a Brydon."
0:04:32 > 0:04:34There you go. LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Dryd-on? Dried-on.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39With a Brydon...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"With a Brydon, you'll be dried-on."
0:04:42 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:47It has, it's dried on. It's dried on.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50So, you go up, you get to the niece's bedroom,
0:04:50 > 0:04:51you check on her. Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53When does the penny drop?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I went up, grabbed the child, who was asleep in her cot...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Yeah. ..I went out the front door and my...
0:04:58 > 0:04:59You actually ran out the house?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yeah. Yeah, I did. Screaming what?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02I didn't scream, Lee, I just...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Well, you've wet yourself. Well... LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Don't try and keep dignity with this story.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"I didn't scream, I just wet my pants."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11So, my auntie and uncle just live round the corner,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14so I just went round there. And what did you say to them?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"There's a ghost in the house, so I've got the baby."
0:05:16 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER And what did they say?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Have you wet your pants?"
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:22So, what's your team thinking?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Harry, does this strike you as the truth?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I'm still back at, "Like a niece, like a nephew".
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Yeah, it was unsettling, wasn't it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32A bit. That got me off my feed right there.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35So, Harry thinks it's a lie and Sara says it's...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I think, I kind of think it might be true.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, split decisions, I hate them.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Who can persuade me the most?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I think if... I think Smithers could.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Can we make him do the voice, please?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46That's early.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Round One. LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I thought, "At least have the dignity
0:05:50 > 0:05:51"to wait till the second half."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54"Is it truth or a lie?" "Never mind that, do Smithers."
0:05:54 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I swear, all day...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Now, dance!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01APPLAUSE
0:06:01 > 0:06:03OK, we'll go with Harry and say it's a lie.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Saying it's a lie. OK.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Jason, truth or lie?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09It is...
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Oh. APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:19It is true - Jason did wet himself while baby-sitting a toddler.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Sara, you're next. OK.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"I know how to properly wash a cow."
0:06:27 > 0:06:28David's team.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30How do you properly wash a cow?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34With water... Mm-hmm.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36..and soap... Oh.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37..and determination.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Why do you have to wash a cow?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, if they get dirty, and...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Yeah, you need to wash a cow if you're going to...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51If you're going to show your cow, like, at a county show or something.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Oh, right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54What sort of soap would you use for a cow?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58A typical soap or was it a special agricultural soap?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Um, you'd use Fairy liquid.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Just the one brand? Just Fairy?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I mean you could use a citrusy, lemony-fresh one.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I think that would make the milk taste lemony.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:13But the steak would be lovely.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21LEE: Because everyone likes a bit of lemon on their steak, don't they?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER I'd eat that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Well, yes, Lee. Do they?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26They often marinate a sn...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29A snake. LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32You certainly made me look an idiot there, Rob. I'll give you that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I won't be messing with you again.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Yeah. Yes, Lee, because...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You said, "Snake," you can't do it again!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Every time you say it, I'll shout, "Snake!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:43So, why did you have to wash a cow?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45You marinate a steak... Snake!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Save it for tonight when you're in bed with your wife.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"I'm just marinating the snake."
0:07:51 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Why did you have to wash a cow?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Yeah, I washed a cow because my dad's a farmer
0:08:05 > 0:08:09and so we would wash the cows and take them to the shows,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11the county shows. Arable?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12No, he's a nice man.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:17What do you mean, "Arable?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:18They're cows!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20How can they be arable? LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:21What does arable mean?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Arable is crops.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Yeah, well. Like wheat.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Well, have you never heard...? Not animals. Duh.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Have you never heard of a farmer
0:08:31 > 0:08:33who has a little bit of arable
0:08:33 > 0:08:34and a little bit of pastoral?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That would be mixed farming, not arable farming.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Which was going to be my THIRD option.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:41What breed of cows were they?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44They are, they are the brown and white ones.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Don't get too technical.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48They're called Herefords.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50ALL: Oh.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52What were their names, your cows?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Well, there was a long line of Dianas.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Dianas? Yeah. "Diana, the cow." Diana, the cow.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What do you mean by "long line"?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Well, Diana would have a daughter
0:08:59 > 0:09:01and then that'd be another Diana.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03And then the initial Diana becomes...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Steak Diana?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Ooh. Oh, that's good. Wow. That was so good.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That is a classy pun.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15So, David, time to take a guess.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17What do you think? Nick? I'm suspicious.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18You think it's a lie?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Well, a plausible lie.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Yeah, I think it's a lie.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23If you both think it's a lie...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm afraid so. Yep. Yep. We're going to go, "Lie."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You're going to say, "Lie"? OK.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Sara, truth or lie?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30It's...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33APPLAUSE Yes!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Yes, it's true, Sara does know how to wash a cow.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Our next round is called "This Is My,"
0:09:41 > 0:09:43where we bring on a mystery guest
0:09:43 > 0:09:45who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
0:09:48 > 0:09:50that has the genuine connection to the guest.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So, please welcome this week's special guest, Claire.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:06So, Nick...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08what is Claire to you?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Well, this is Claire.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I was once so peckish
0:10:11 > 0:10:14that I broke into her cottage
0:10:14 > 0:10:15to steal a tube of Pringles.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Jason, how do you know Claire?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20This is Claire.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I once called her to drive my car
0:10:22 > 0:10:25from the roof of a multistorey car park
0:10:25 > 0:10:27because I was too scared to.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER Right.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31David, what is your relationship with Claire?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33This is Claire, and she is my dentist
0:10:33 > 0:10:35whose earring I swallowed
0:10:35 > 0:10:37mid-procedure.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Well, there we have it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Is Claire Nick's burgled buddy,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Jason's multistorey mate,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48or David's dozy dentist?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Lee's team, where do you start?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Jason, let's start with you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53How old were you? Um, I was...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56like, 20. Have you just started driving at this point?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Yeah, I'd just passed, so...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00So you'd managed to get to the top... Yeah, yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Why did you find going down worse than going up?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04It was a different way down than it was coming up -
0:11:04 > 0:11:07one of them really tight spirals, where you...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09But it was a spiral going up, too, wasn't it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No, it was up the ramp and then along the car park,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and then up the next ramp and then along the car park, so...
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Did you know Claire before?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Who is she? What's the relationship? She's my friend's mum.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Friend's mum? Yeah, yeah. Auntie, niece?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Which friend? Steve.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Oh, so Steve... Is Steve your age?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Steve's my age, yeah. And that's...?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I mean, you look about the same age.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30And that's the mum? LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:32She's, like, 55.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34AUDIENCE: Ooh! Oh, I don't know.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35I tell you what, Jason,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37if it's not your person and you're not telling the truth...
0:11:37 > 0:11:38No, I know her.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41..this is going to be a hell of a green room conversation, isn't it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:45She looks phenomenal for it, I'm just saying.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47HARRY CHUCKLES
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Keep going.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Why did you call Claire of all people?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Claire worked...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh, where I parked was at the Arndale Centre in Manchester,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and Claire works there. What does Claire do?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Where does she work? Oh, I think it's, like, the jewellers,
0:12:01 > 0:12:02one of the jewellers in...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04SARA: Hang on a minute, how did you ring her?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Just on my phone. On your mobile?
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Yeah. What, 20 years ago?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It wasn't 20... Come on, hey.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Come on now. 18 years ago?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It was... See, not nice, is it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15JASON AND ROB: 14 years ago.
0:12:15 > 0:12:1614 years ago.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Jason is 34.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19You're 34? Yeah.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20That's not even a lie.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21True!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Wow, have you had a really hard life?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Yeah. And you had Claire's work number on your cellphone?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32She had a mobile number as well.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I had, like, Steve's mum's number.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37You had your mate's mum's number on your mobile?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Yes, I had my friend's mum's number.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42What have you got it down as, Sweet-cheeks Claire or...?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:43 > 0:12:47"Steve's mum." OK, who would you like to question next?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48OK, Nick.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So, you broke into this lady's house...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52for Pringles, did you say?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You mean the crisp or the jumper?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:58So, where did all this happen, Nick?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Paint the picture for us, where are we?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02We're on holiday. We're on holiday. Where?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:07People at home are now banging the TV.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Somebody hit pause. LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Where were you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I was in Italy.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Italy! Italy.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Well, that's narrowed it down. Where in Italy were you?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I was in...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Pardon? Pause.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I'll give you a clue, it could be Rome.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Rome?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Milan? Venice? Florence? That's just...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Near Florence. Near Florence.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32How do you and Claire know each other?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33She was also on holiday.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But I want to know, did you know Claire before you went to Italy?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I did. So, you're near Florence, you've got...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41What, you've hired some cottages close to each other?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Yeah, we're... Exactly. And what happens?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I'm in my cottage, raiding the larder...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yes. ..looking for things to eat,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and I thought, "I know what I need."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Right. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes. Eh, Rob?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:54They are ludicrously tasty.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So, how did you get into the cottage?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I sort of tried the... You know how you get blinds on a holiday cottage,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06those sort of shutters, that's the word I'm after. Yeah.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08So, I tried the shutters.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Spotting that one was open, I thought,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"I tell you what, I could probably...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"squeeze in." What time of day was this?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Just before lunch. So, you got in through the window...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Why didn't you wait for lunch, then? LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Nice work.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25So the shutter is a little bit open,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27but isn't, on the other side of a shutter, a glass window?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Yeah, but it wasn't locked. She's not security-conscious, this woman.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I'm surprised she's working on a jewellery counter, to be honest.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Or have I got these stories mixed up? There we go.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39How did you get out of the cottage?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I opened the door... You opened the door.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43..and I surreptitiously,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45hiding the Pringles tube down my shorts, I...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Baguette? My wife said,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"Are those curiously shaped crisps or are you just pleased to see me?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER What was it? Did you never...?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Why didn't you go to the shop?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Cos we were on a holiday, we weren't near a shop.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Why did you go on holiday at a place that's not near a shop?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03JASON: That's not a prerequisite of a holiday, is it?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Are there shops, though? That's what I need to know.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Never mind the view.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What I'm hoping for is a Londis a two-minute walk away.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And then did you tell Claire what happened
0:15:13 > 0:15:16or are you telling her this now on the telly
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and she's finding it out for the very first time?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That would be a brilliant phone call.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"We'd like you to come along to see your old friend Nick."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"Why?" "There's something he wants to tell you."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:27When did she find out?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I think my children revealed the secret.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Wouldn't it have been easier to have one of them go through the window?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That is a very good point.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Why didn't you do that, Fagin?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42All right now, what about David?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44David, can you just remind us again how you know Claire?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46This is Claire and she's my dentist...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, yes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51..whose earring I accidentally swallowed mid-procedure.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53OK. All right. What kind of earring was it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55It was just a stud.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57What was the procedure?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It was a dental...
0:15:59 > 0:16:00A dental procedure.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It was actually, it was a cleaning.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Not a polishing, a cleaning.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07I won't clean my teeth myself.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12So you pay her at a dentists' rate to do hygienist's work.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I want an expert.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I get a brain surgeon to clean behind my ears.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22What made it suddenly just fall out?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Cos that just doesn't happen. Did you grab at her in terror?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26No, I didn't, no...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Help! I'm scared!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36You make me seem so sexy.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41No, I think it was just simply gravity.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Something has to ruffle your ears...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Yes. You have to...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Oh, David, you didn't!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Goodness sake, man.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You can't blame it on the novocaine,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55you knew what you were doing. LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:57So, you're laying back...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yeah. ..in the dentist's chair, or the hygienist's, chair... Yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05..and she's leaning over you to use the cleaning apparatus. Yeah.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's hard to swallow even liquid
0:17:07 > 0:17:11when the hygienist is working in your mouth.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Mm-hmm. How did you manage to swallow an earring?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Well, I didn't try to.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It just went...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And I felt just a slight...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So, you didn't...? I felt... You didn't swallow at the time?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I felt nothing more than a sort of...
0:17:23 > 0:17:25No, I didn't go, "Ooh! Mmmm."
0:17:25 > 0:17:26HE GULPS
0:17:26 > 0:17:28So, you swallowed the earring -
0:17:28 > 0:17:30do you get the earring back
0:17:30 > 0:17:32and give it to Claire at your next appointment?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34That's a good question.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Did it ever get back to Claire?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It did not.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Did it...? I'm sorry, I wasn't prepared to do that.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Were you sat on the toilet at any point
0:17:42 > 0:17:45and there was a sort of definitive... Ping!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46..a definite clink noise as metal hit porcelain?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49No. I think it must've been deeply embedded in...
0:17:49 > 0:17:55AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:55 > 0:17:57When you... Hang on. Give us a minute.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It must have come out, you know, mid-log. Yeah.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You could've at least used it
0:18:06 > 0:18:08for a very unusual game of pass the parcel.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Is "unusual"...?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Is "unusual" the adjective you want to use?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It's probably not the right word.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"Unusual's" probably not a strong enough word.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"Sorry, kids, the clown's cancelled
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"but in better news, David's brought his little thing..."
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Start the music."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"I don't even want the earring."
0:18:34 > 0:18:39LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42All right, well, we need an answer.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44What do we think? Cos I...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46They're all sounding unbelievable to me.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I tend to believe Jason.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Jason, you think he panicked getting out of the car park.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yeah. Sara, what do we think? Well, I don't know.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I don't know if Nick was being vague on purpose
0:18:55 > 0:18:57about where the cottage was.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59When they come to him outside Number Ten,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01have you ever noticed some, like, crumbs of crisps
0:19:01 > 0:19:03just falling from his mouth at the last minute before he goes...?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And in the background, a slightly opened window. Yes.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What about David, though? I mean, you're not even...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Oh, we're actually entertaining that?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16So, what are you going to say? I say, "Jason." You say, "Jason."
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Oh, I'm drawn towards Nick's story being true,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21but I'm not... I don't know, I'm happy to go with the boss man here.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I think we might have to go with Jason.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24You're going to say it's Jason.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25OK. Claire,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28would you please reveal your true identity?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29My name is Claire,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and Nick stole my Pringles.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Thank you very much, Claire.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I'm really sorry.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Which brings us to our final round,
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Quick Fire Lies.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46And we start with...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51It's Lee.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"Possession."
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Lee, if you step out from behind the desk,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57read the card first.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01"When I ran out of petrol with my kids in the car,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05"the only way I could get to the nearest garage quickly was on this."
0:20:05 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Pop that down there, sir. Brilliant.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:18So, where did you break down?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I broke down just after this round, crying.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It was a country lane. Whereabouts in the world?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It was just somewhere around Oxfordshire.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31You're from Oxfordshire, aren't you? Yes. Let's change that. Uh...
0:20:31 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I was somewhere just around Oxfordshire.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35And this was in the car?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38This was not in the car. This belonged to a farmer.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:41It belonged to a farmer?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44The smallest, campest farmer you can imagine.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So I run out of petrol, we're in the middle of nowhere,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49I pull over, near the hedgerow bit...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Yep. ..and then I remembered passing a petrol station back there.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54How far? A mile, half a mile?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56About a mile and a half. A mile and a half.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57A mile and a half?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And you didn't just think, "I'll walk a mile and a half."
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Well, it's not, it's three miles, isn't it?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Cos you've got to get back as well.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That's true. He's got you there, hasn't he? Yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:10But I have to say... What with you all Oxbridge and everything
0:21:10 > 0:21:12and him having no education, that's quite embarrassing.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Hang on.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20But still, three miles, that's not that far.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Three miles is a long way
0:21:21 > 0:21:24when you've got children in the car, crying.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Well, hold on, then, if you did three miles on it,
0:21:26 > 0:21:27you can definitely do four yards,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30so let's have a look at you on the bike.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31And then... Let me finish the story.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35..I remember, as I came back with the petrol canister,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37falling off and damaging my leg,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and vowing that day never... LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42..ever to ride one of these beasts again.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Would you like me to demonstrate me riding the bike?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I think so. I'm going to kill you for this.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER Go round the back... Yes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53..round the side of Sara, you can do it from there.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55OK, I'm not feeling as young as I used to be,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57so I may not be able to do a wheelie.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Right.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Is it all coming back?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And he had a petrol can as well, of course.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:08APPLAUSE
0:22:13 > 0:22:15That's it, keep going, keep going.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Over the ramp, over the ramp.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I've got the petrol can.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21It's all... Ow!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I've gone over the...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I've got the petrol can.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I'm coming, kids! Kids, I'm coming, stop crying!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Tell your mother not to divorce me, I've got the can!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:38APPLAUSE
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Now I can see it would have been a big help.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Can I make a comment? Yeah. You're very out of breath.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Yes, I am. And you've done one lap of this.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Now you're telling us that you cycled three miles. Yes.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Do you remember having a coronary arrest at the end of the journey?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I was a lot younger in those days.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Why, when was it? This was just after Christmas.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Lee, what are you doing?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10I'm thinking, in a minute,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I'm going to go wheelie the bike to the edge...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15They're saying in my ear, "It seems like a very bad idea."
0:23:15 > 0:23:16I say, "Let him have a go."
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Oh, they're saying to YOU this is a bad idea!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21How do you think I feel? LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What, you mean the same people that said,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Pretend you stole a child's bike and went to a petrol station,"
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and they're saying I'M the one with the bad idea(!)
0:23:29 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:37APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Can I just say, Rob... Come here.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42You with your little body, come on.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER Come on.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49CHEERING
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Will you help me on to it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Right, I'll sit here and do the easy bit.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58IN WELSH ACCENT: Right, I think I'm just going to make him
0:23:58 > 0:24:00cycle around for a while.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01I'm doing Rob Brydon.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:04 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Fair play.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16APPLAUSE
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Do you want me to help you on to the seat?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Come on, up, jump!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So, while Lee brings that huge bike back up...
0:24:28 > 0:24:29..what are you thinking?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Stop me if you object, but I think we're going to say that it's a lie.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You're saying it's a lie. All right.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yeah. It is, in fact...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Yes, it's a lie.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Lee didn't ride a child's bike to a petrol station.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Stupid game!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Next.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It's Harry.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"At a White House drinks reception,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"I was asked to judge who could do the best Mr Burns impression
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"out of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Bono."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, please be true, please be true.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11This is the best thing we've ever had.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Yes!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14What was the occasion?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17They were honouring music, musicians...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18It's a...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21They have about four or five of these a year at the White House.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And why was there a Mr Burns...
0:25:24 > 0:25:27a competition to sound like Mr Burns at a musical event?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I was there,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33and I think they thought it would be a cute idea to have me, you know,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35judge the thing because people are always ASKING me
0:25:35 > 0:25:37to do these voice things.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Do you generally say no when people ask?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No, I don't. Good. Do it.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I mean I'd rather not ride a miniature pink bike... Yeah.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48..but, you know, we all go with the cards we're dealt.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51All right, so I will tell you about your riding the pink bike,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53that you were...
0:25:53 > 0:25:54AS MR BURNS: Excellent.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00APPLAUSE
0:26:00 > 0:26:02One word gets a round of applause.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I cycled round twice... LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:06..and I'm mocked.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And were they, like, the finalists?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09They were the finalists, yes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11What did they get to say?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13AS MR BURNS: "Release the hounds,"
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"Excellent,"
0:26:15 > 0:26:16and, uh, I think a couple more.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18And who was the best?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I judged Barack Obama the best.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Very wise. Yeah.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER He's...
0:26:24 > 0:26:25It was his house. Yeah, absolutely.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Whereas Bono...?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30His Burns was a little too breathy, I thought.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Could you give us an approximation of Bono's Burns?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34DEEP AND BREATHY: "Release the hounds,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"release the hounds." Something like that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38IN MOCK IRISH ACCENT: "Oh, release d'hounds, release d'hounds,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40"release, release d'hounds."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Something like that? No, it wasn't like that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And what about...? Tom Jones?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:48HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:26:48 > 0:26:50AS TOM JONES: "Release...the hounds."
0:26:50 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:56And what about... Bill Clinton.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57AS CLINTON: ..Bill Clinton?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00AS CLINTON: "Well, you've gotta release the hounds now."
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:04AS CLINTON: I did not...
0:27:04 > 0:27:05release...
0:27:05 > 0:27:06those hounds...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08With that woman. ..with that woman.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:13David, what are you thinking about that?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Nick, you know how the centres of power operate -
0:27:16 > 0:27:18is this kind of ado...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It's totally plausible. It's plausible that they'd have a...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22competition like that?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I think so. They wouldn't...?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Obama, Clinton get on well.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Yeah, yeah. Bono's everywhere, isn't he?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Bono's always there. He's like Mickey Mouse,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31there's one in each continent.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I think he's telling the truth. Yeah?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Well, I think, you know, we... You all say, "True?"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38..can't imagine a party at the White House, really.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41We can't imagine what that would be like.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I mean, you've been to Buckingham Palace, haven't you?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I've been to a buffet at Dale Winton's house, that's about as...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER That's as close as I've got.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51All right, what are you going to say? I think we're saying it's true.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54You're saying it's true? OK. Yeah. Harry Shearer, truth or lie?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56AS SMITHERS: "Sir, you have to tell them now."
0:27:56 > 0:27:58AS MR BURNS: "All right, I will."
0:27:58 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Don't rush it, cos I want to hear that again.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:06AS MR BURNS: "It was..."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:13BUZZER
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Well, that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17and I can reveal that David's team
0:28:17 > 0:28:19have won by three points to two.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Thanks for watching. Goodnight.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Unparalleled talent, unprecedented access.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54BBC Two takes a sneaky peek behind the celebrity curtain.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56One piece of advice...
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Go out there, grab it with both hands and stick it in your mouth.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Job done!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Easy peasy, get yourself a catchphrase.